EXPERIENTIA DOCET Pro Tempore For the Time Being This Chapter 5 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Brian Kinney featuring Cynthia Morgan, Justin Taylor, Blake Wyzecky and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: September 2002 Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Fucking Vance… How dare he try to tell me I'm not doing my job? I would like to see him come here and try to get Justin to do the work for him. Yeah, that would go over well. Justin is a hard man to handle – trust me I know – and Vance would be eaten alive. All I know is that I need to calm down at least a little bit, cause the last thing I fucking need right now is to show how pissed I really am. When Blake had called me late yesterday and asked me to lunch, I was intrigued. Blake right now is my connection to try and get Justin back, no matter how much I hate it. I hate the fact that I have to rely on anyone to get someone, let alone Blake. I hate feeling like I owe him something. That thought alone today kept me in a foul mood, and then that call from Vance… Fuck that shit. I sit down in a booth at a small café near the hotel, and wait for Blake to make his entrance. Why am I doing this? I know the answer to that, no matter how much I want to deny it. I want Justin, and I will do whatever it takes to get him back in his good graces. Fuck! A couple of minutes later, Blake comes walking in and sits across from me. He orders his lunch, and sits back with his arm across the back of the booth and looks at me. He's got this superior look about him, and right now that is not the thing I need to see… not after the day I've been having. “Well,” I start off. “You wanted to see me, I'm here.” “So, how'd it go the other night,” Blake asks me. I sit back myself and just look at him. “Why don't you tell me? You live with him, I'm sure that you already got the play by play.” Blake shakes his head at me, and sighs. What the fuck is his problem? Not that I really care, mind you, but he knows first hand what Justin is thinking about me right now, and it's making me crazy. I want to be the one who knows that shit, I want to be in control. These past couple of weeks, I've felt my life spin out of control, and it's practically killing me. I hate disorder, and it seems like that's all I've been living lately. Fuck! I look over at Blake and just wait for his response. Let him tell me what he wants out of this little meeting, cause frankly I would rather be anywhere else but here right now. “Yeah, I did. Justin told me all about it, and well, I'm just wondering what you're next move is going to be.” “My next move is wait until he calls. Look, I'm not going to push him into something that he doesn't want to do… You should know me well enough to know that when it comes to something like this, I won't do it.” I stop when Blake starts laughing, which irritates the hell out of me. “What the fuck is your problem? What's so funny?” “You,” Blake shakes his head. What I would like to do to him right now. No one has ever laughed at me like that before, and it is beginning to piss me off. “You are so full of shit, you know that? This coming from the same person who practically pushes people off of a fucking cliff. Michael, Ted, everyone. You love it, you love to be in control. This is just killing you isn't it? You're not going to push? That will be the day.” “Listen, Blake… You don't know a fucking thing about me. Just because you hung out with us for a while, you fucked Ted, you think you know everything. You don't know shit.” I pull out my wallet, and throw some money down on the table. “And frankly I have better things to do than to sit here and listen to this shit.” I walk out of that stuffy fucking café and start to head down the street to the hotel. I don't need Blake to tell me who I am, what I am. I don't need his help with any of this shit. I hear him behind me calling my name, and I just keep walking. When his hand touches my arm I turn around ready to attack. I am not in the mood for this shit, not now not ever. “Hey! Do you want to know that Justin is willing to give you another chance or what? Do you want to know what he wants?” That stops me in an instant. “Talk… and make it quick.” Blake points toward the hotel, and we walk down the street toward it. Once inside we head directly toward the bar just off the lobby, and sit down. I order a beam and take a sip. I know that I will need a lot more than this one glass to get me through this conversation. “Okay, you got my attention. So let's hear what you have to say.” Blake takes a drink from his coke and looks at me through the mirror in front of us. He can't even look me in the eye to tell me. “Justin has a lot of problems, as I'm sure you know. He never really got over the bashing, and it was the cause of a lot of other problems in his life after that. He did tell me that he had felt something that night, felt someone. He told me once that he had felt his soul mate that night, and regretted the fact that he had never seen him again.” Blake turns to face me, and I try to keep the mask of indifference in place. It's hard… fuck it's hard. What do you say or do when you find out that the first person that you have ever considered having a …. relationship with, feels that you are their soul mate? “That person is you, Brian. You are the one that he has been waiting for since that day. He knows that in his heart. He knows that he will never be happy, truly happy with anyone else.” “So what am I supposed to do? What does he want,” I ask. I've never been in a relationship before, so I don't really have any clue how to do these sort of things. What do you do when you're interested in someone? And I am interested in Justin, there is no doubt about that. I can see myself with him for a while, and I've never felt that way before. “Don't wait for him, Brian. If you want him – if you want to try and make this work – you have to make a show of it. Show him that you want him. Show him that you are willing to take that step. He's confused right now, and I know he wants to know what you feel, what you think… show him. Don't give him reason to doubt,” Blake explains. “If you are serious about this… you have to prove it to him.” Blake places his money on the bar, and walks out, leaving me to think about everything he said. The only problem is… can I? Can I do what he's asking of me, what Justin is asking? * * * * * * * I didn’t get much sleep last night, going over everything in my mind. I called Cynthia and told her that I wasn’t going to be in today, and I know she is shocked. But damn, I have more important things to do. I head out early, heading for god knows where, in hopes of clearing my head. If I am going to talk to Justin, I need to have everything decided; what I want, what I’m looking for… if I’m ready for it. I hop in my rental and just start driving…no where to go, really. I'm hoping that the air, the sense of freedom can help clear my mind enough to decide what the hell I want. There's a part of me that wishes I knew how to ride a motorcycle, cause in all honesty, I felt more alive on that damn thing than I have in a long time… well the combination of the motorcycle and Justin. I remember that Justin's place is on the beach, and I head down there. Maybe being close to Justin, to where we spent our weekend will help me come up with some idea as to where to go next. Santa Monica is very relaxed yet ritzy and trendy, with multi-million dollar beach homes mixed with nice apartments and smaller loft/townhouses - the atmosphere suited Justin's personality perfectly. I park the car and make my way down toward the water. All around I can see people happy. Children playing in the water or making sand castles, people playing volley ball, or throwing a ball around. Couples holding hands walking down the edge of the water… Love… that’s not something that I have ever really related to any thought of my life. For the majority of my life, I thought it was just some shit that straight people tell themselves… tell others so they can get laid. I’ve fucked my way through life, not caring, not allowing anyone to get close. Suddenly here is this young man who within a short amount of time, sneaks his way into my life, my thoughts. I think about the time that we have had together, and I can say that it’s been the best time of my life. I have never felt so free, so loved before in my life. My ol’ man’s way of showing things was with a fist, while my dear old mother stood by. They never loved me, and I always knew that my dad wished me never to have been born. Why do love? All it is, is bullshit anyway, right? Then I look at Mel and Lindsey, Ben and Michael, and I see that it is possible. Even if it does make me sick at times, I can see that they care about each other in ways that I have never seen. I guess that’s why I started to think that my life is on pause, why I started to think that maybe it’s time to grow up. I remember Lindsey telling me one time that it’s not necessarily wanting to be in a relationship, but it could mean not wanting to be alone. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for? Everyone has someone, and maybe… just maybe, I’m starting to feel alone. The tricks aren’t doing it for me really. I mean fuck and get out, that’s it. But to have someone to come home to, to be there for me… maybe that’s what I need. Hell, I’m willing to give it a shot. I’ll try anything once. Now that’s not to say I’m ready to give up the tricking either. I mean come on, I don’t really know if any ONE person can really satisfy all of my needs, and I have a lot of them… but I am tired of coming home to an empty loft, waking up alone… watching my life go by. I just need to know what to do to make this work… to get Justin to speak to me again, give me another chance. * * * * * * * I spent all damn day just driving around, thinking… sitting, thinking… nothing too exciting really. But I think that maybe Blake is right. I need to show Justin that I meant what I said about wanting another chance. I need to show him that I want to give us a try. I went to the ocean, and sat there most of the day, thinking about what my life has been like before the bashing, before I ever laid eyes on Justin. I realized that after that night, even though it ended badly, that those few minutes that I held him in my arms, willing him to live, was the beginning of a whole new life for me. I didn't say no to Lindz when she asked for my sperm. I was able to open myself up to Gus, and a little bit to the others as well. I was even able to open up and tell my dad that I was gay. Justin wasn't even in my life, and I had never spoken a word to him, but he had changed my life. I hadn't realized it then, but looking back on everything, I know that he was partly the reason behind this sudden change in me. I know I felt something that night, even if I didn't know what it was, or what it is, but I felt it. This sudden need, this sudden connection to another – it was frightening. So here I am, sitting on the steps outside of his loft he lives in, waiting for him to show. I need to talk to him, I need to see him. Sometime around 11:30 or so, Justin comes walking around the corner from the garage, and stops when he sees me sitting there. He nods and makes his way past me to the door, unlocking it, and holding the door open for me. We don't say a word as we head up to his floor. Stepping inside the loft, Justin heads for the refrigerator, and pulls out two beers. “What's going on,” he asks handing me a beer. I shrug, not really sure why I'm here, just that I am here. “Hell if I know,” I laugh slightly. Justin shakes his head and moves to the couch. I follow behind him and sit on the opposite end, not wanting to crowd him. “I've just had a shitty couple of days, and then the next thing I know… I'm here.” “So… what's wrong,” he asked me turning so that we can look at each other. I take a sip of my beer, and shake my head. I really don't want to tell him the reason, cause I know that it's my fault that things are the way they are… but then again, I can tell he honestly wants to know. I just hope he doesn't think that I'm only here to try and get him to do the damn ad. Talk about a rock in a hard place. “Just work,” I tell him. Justin nods and sighs. “I'm sorry… if you know, I caused you problems at work. I just couldn't do it… not after…” “I know. Trust me I know, and that's not why I'm here. I'll deal with my partner, don't worry about it.” I look at Justin and I can only hope that things will work out between us. I am not ready to give this up…whatever this is. Justin stood and walked over to the window, his loft spanned the whole floor of the building and had both a view of the ocean for the daytime and a view of the city nights for the evening. I must admit that it is a beautiful view. “I've been doing some thinking myself these past couple of days,” he begins, and I sit up a little on the couch. His voice is quiet so it's almost a strain to hear him. “This whole thing… you know, the fact that you were the one who was there that night… I know you're not lying to me cause Daphne told me the same stuff you did, and NO ONE knew half of that shit… It's not like I remember any of it, really… just what I've heard or read about in the papers.” Justin turns to face me, and I can see the pain in his eyes as he remembers that night… or at least remembers what he had heard about that night. It never occurred to me that he didn't remember, but I should've figured as much. You can't suffer that type of injury and NOT be damaged in some form. I sit silently as he walks back to the couch and sits down, staring straight ahead. “It just seems so unreal. I've been looking for you, it seems, my whole life… and now you're here,” he turns to me. All I want to do at that moment is pull him in my arms and take away the pain that I know he is feeling. “It's just… I don't know. God… and I hate it… I hate not knowing what to think, what to feel. A part of me wants to be happy, to say fuck everything and just go with the flow… but the other part of me…” “Wants to kick my ass,” I finish. I know the feeling, hell I want to kick my ass for what I did – for the pain I caused him. “Justin… I'm sorry I hurt you. If I could take it away, and start over, I would… but it's done, it's over. All we can do now is move past it. Move forward.” I reach out and take his hand in mine, holding it tightly. “I want that. I've never wanted to feel this way about anyone, I never wanted to think these sort of things… and it scares the hell out of me. But the fact is, I do feel something… what I don't know… but I want to find out. All you have to do is give me a chance. Give us a chance. But I said it once and I'll say it again… if you never want to see me again, I understand… I'll just go and leave you alone.” “I don't know, Brian… I just don't know anymore.” * * * * * * * I can’t fucking believe it… First Justin comes in the office and offers to do the account, and now… fuck. Wasn’t it just a couple of days ago, I was thinking how much I hated to be in someone’s debt? Now… now Justin has it set up to where I have definitely job security. I don’t know. I just don’t know what is going on in that kid’s mind. But I plan on finding out. I called Blake, and he came by to get the contract. I had asked him when Justin would be off work, and was happy to hear that Justin was getting off early for the weekend. Blake had told me that he was going to be gone this weekend with some friends down to San Diego, so this was my chance to try and make things right. Thank god for small wonders. So once again in – hell less than a days time – I’m standing outside of Justin’s building waiting for him. Like before Justin came around the corner, and stopped when he spotted me. “This is becoming a habit,” he said with a small smile on his lips. I just shrugged as he lead me in the building and up toward his loft. “Maybe I should just give you a key so that you don’t have to wait outside anymore,” he told me as we walked into the loft. Now that seemed like a damn good idea with me, but I wasn’t going to push… well not too much anyway. “I brought champagne,” Justin turned to look at me. “To celebrate our partnership,” I informed him. “Business partnership.” Okay, so I felt I had to clarify it for him… as I said I wasn’t going to push too hard. “You know,” Justin said as he walked over to me, and took the bottle out of my hand. “You’re hot when you are in full business mode,” he said with a smile. “Maybe we can negotiate another contract…” I feel Justin begin to take my jacket off of my shoulders, and let it fall to the ground. “A contract huh? Now why would you think that we need to negotiate one of those,” I ask him as I begin to slowly unbutton his shirt. Hell, he started this game, and I’m not one to back down…in fact, I don’t think that in this game that there will be any losers. “I don’t know… I’m sure we can think of something,” he whispers as he leans in toward me. “But we can talk about that later.” “How about we talk about it now,” I say lightly pushing him away from me. And I can say that it was hard as hell to do that too. “Don’t get me wrong… I want to be with you… be inside you… but I think that maybe we need to get some things straight before we continue… this,” I tell him pointing at our obvious hard-ons. Justin laughed a little then took my hand and led me to the couch. “You’re right.” We sit down on opposite ends of the couch, and just look at each other. I guess we were both waiting for the other to start, cause after a couple of minutes we both just started laughing at how ridiculous this all was. “Shit… Okay,” Justin begins as he turns to face me. “All I ask Brian is that you don’t lie to me. Tell me what’s going on, what you’re feeling, what you think. This isn’t going to work unless we talk to each other. I can’t stand liars and I won’t tolerate it. Also I won’t be treated as a child. If we do this, it will be on equal terms. No one is more important or more needed than the other. We are equal in every way, no questions asked.” “Okay… But,” I start to say. “What about … How the hell would we make this thing work if you’re here and I’m in Pitts?” Justin moved closer to me so that he could sit on my lap facing me. “Have you ever heard of long distant relationships, Brian? There are these wonderful things called e-mails, telephones, cell phones, video conferencing…” I know he could go on and on about this, so I do the only thing that I know that will shut him up… I kiss him forcefully on the lips. I can feel him mold into me, pushing himself against me, pulling my head closer to his. Fuck… what he does to me. Justin’s hands move up my stomach, lifting my shirt as they go. I pull back slightly so that he can take it completely off of me, then immediately my lips find his again. I tear off his shirt, and start to unbuckle his jeans. I let my hands move down to the smooth flesh of his ass, letting my fingers run along the crack. Justin pulls back, breathing hard, and he grabs my hand. We walk over to the bedroom, pulling clothes off with each step we get closer to the bed. I pick Justin up and place him on the top of the bed, climbing on top of him. Justin rolls on his stomach, and I begin to trace his spine with my tongue from the back of his neck straight down toward one of my favorite parts of his body. Slowly, I reach the curve of his ass, and run my hands over the round globes. Pulling apart his cheeks I glide my tongue over his sensitive hole. “Oh god,” he breathes, clenching the bed sheets. Probing his hole with my tongue, I can taste his sweet essence. God… he tastes so good. He’s so fucking hot… so tight… fuck… I pull away from him, and he moans in protest. “Shhhh. Don’t move,” I command him. I reach over to my jean pocket and pull out a condom and the lube. “Trust me… You’ll enjoy the ride,” I tell him, placing first one of my lubed fingers than another into his tight passage. “Tell me what you want…. Huh? Tell me, Justin… What do you want?” Justin raises himself up on his hands and knees, and looks at me, his pupils filled with lust. “Fuck me, Brian… Fuck me hard.” I position myself at his entrance, and slowly push the head of my covered cock into him. Pausing when I am fully sheathed in his warmth, I reach around and pull his face toward mine. We begin to probe each other’s mouths as I begin to move against him. With each thrust, I feel him pushing back against me, pushing me even deeper into him… I reach around him and begin to stroke his silky cock, bringing him to the brink. I feel him begin to close in around me, holding me in a vice grip, and I feel myself start to lose it. I catch him before he collapses and continue to pump into him, shooting my load and filling the condom. Collapsing on top of him, I roll off him slightly and pull out so I can dispose of the condom. Justin rolls on his side, kissing me lightly on the lips as we catch our breaths. I lay down on my back and pull him close to me as I feel the first wave of sleep begin to overtake me. The last thought that crosses my mind before I lose the battle, is that this whole thing that I have with Justin, just may work. * * * * * * * TBC