EXPERIENTIA DOCET Mihi cura futuri My concern is the future This Chapter 8 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by Brian Kinney Featuring: Justin Taylor, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. September 2002 Summary: Brian prepares to head back to Pittsburgh, but he makes a request of Justin. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Lying in bed, I hold Justin close to my body, dreading what is to come as the day’s progress. Tomorrow I’ll be on a plane heading back to glorious Pittsburgh, and away from Justin. As much as I hate to admit it, that thought terrifies me to no end. I’m not sure really why I’m so scared…but I know that Justin can have anyone here that he wants. I had learned over the past couple of days that he desired by a shitload of people. What would stop him from telling me to fuck off and just go with something easier? I have been doing a lot of thinking, especially since that little fuck-up last night. The fact that the fucking trick came up to me asking for another shot in front of Justin…Fuck that shit. The thing that got me really thinking is the fact that it hadn’t really bothered Justin. I guess that I had wanted Justin to blow up, to cause a scene and when he didn’t … it just blew me away. It’s almost like he’s resigned to the idea that we’re not meant to be. I don’t like that… not one bit. So I had been trying to come up with some ideas… thinking of some ways to try and keep Justin with me. All I do know is that I don’t want to lose him. The one time that I have finally had these feelings, the time that I have finally found myself wanting to open up… I may lose it all because of my past, the way I am. Can I change my ‘wicked ways’ in order to keep Justin with me? Do I want to knowing that he may leave me standing alone holding my dick in my hand… with nothing left of myself? Justin curls up closer to me, and I look down at the top of his head. He’s beautiful; there is no denying that. He’s the one that had helped me realize that I needed to change. I have just found the one person that I could see myself be with for years to come, and I also know that I may not be the type of person who can keep him. Justin deserves the best. And am I that person? * * * * * * * Slowly I notice Justin wake, and look up at me – his blue eyes shining brightly in the early morning light. “Morning,” I whisper as I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips. Justin leans into me deepening the kiss, pushing his tongue into my mouth. I pull him up to me so our bodies are flush against each other, cock to cock… chest to chest. I run my hands up and down his back, moving down toward his ass. I feel my cock stiffen as Justin’s hands move down my chest, tugging on my nipples. I feel Justin rocking against me, grinding our cocks against each other. I want to be inside him now… I don’t want to waste anymore time. I run my finger along his crack and insert a finger into his hole. Justin takes my lips into his mouth, biting down on my lower lip, and tugs on my nipple. The pain mixed with the need and pleasure that I am feeling pushes me closer to the edge. I reach for the lube located on the nightstand near the bed. Placing some on my fingers I push two then three into him, stretching him, preparing him. I feel rather than hear his moan against my lips, resonating through his body. I push Justin away from me slightly so I can place the condom on my stiff cock. Justin watches every move I make, and then sits up straight. He lifts up and I hold myself erect as he lowers himself onto me, filling himself with my cock. Once I am in him, he pauses taking time to adjust. I place my hands on his hips as he starts to rise up and lower himself again, pushing me further into him. I can feel his muscles clench around me, caressing me, as his hands are on my chest for leverage. No words pass between us as he continues to move above me, as I feel my balls begin to tighten. Sweat drips down off of his body landing on my skin, burning me. I reach around him, pulling him down against me and rolling us over. With the new angle, I place his legs on my shoulder and push myself deeper into him, hitting his prostate in a solid thrust. “Fuck,” Justin groans head thrown back in pleasure. I bend him in half so I can kiss his lips, thrusting into him with short, quick jabs… always making sure that I hit that spot that will make him squirm. I trace my lips down to his collarbone, biting the flesh there then licking the bruised flesh. I feel his cock trapped between our bodies, rubbing against my stomach. Justin tightens around me, holding me inside him, and shooting his cum between our bodies. I bite my lip pushing myself in and out of him through his orgasm, bringing myself to completion. I thrust in one more time, and then collapse on top of him, letting his legs fall from my shoulders. We kiss lazily, both trying to catch our breaths, as we are coated in sweat and cum. Never in my life would I have thought that I would be doing the laying together all wet and sticky bit, but here I am, holding onto Justin basking in the after glow of sex. Something about him makes me break all of my old rules, and beliefs. I am learning to be someone different; someone that I never knew existed. I actually think I may like this person… now all I have to do is keep him with me so I can continue to discover myself… the person that has been so far buried deep within my psyche that I never knew was there to begin with. I roll off of Justin and remove the condom, throwing it away. As I lay down flat, Justin moves in beside me and places his head on my chest. We interlace our fingers and both just take comfort in this moment… both knowing that our time together is short. I am not ready to leave… not ready to get on that plane tomorrow, not when I have just found something here. Justin sighs deeply and I run my free hand up and down his back. “What,” I ask. Justin shakes his head, but I know that something is bothering him… and I’m almost afraid of where this will lead. “Nothing,” he begins. I nudge his shoulder letting him know that I don’t believe him. Justin site up and looks at me. “Okay… but it’s nothing that can be changed. So there’s really nothing that should be worried about… right?” I know what he means, and what he’s referring to. “So what is going through that mind of yours,” I ask him running my hand across his cheek. His skin is so soft and smooth that it makes my heart skip a beat thinking of what’s to come… what we are going to have to do soon. Justin leans in to my hand and closes his eyes, taking comfort in my touch. Taking a deep breath, he opens his eyes and sits up. “It’s just strange that you’ll be leaving tomorrow is all. I guess I’ve gotten used to you being around.” I nod in agreement knowing full well what he’s feeling. These past two months… okay so this past month and a half have been wonderful, and I know that things are about to change. And not for the better, I’m afraid. After last night, though, I know what I can do to ease his fears… to hopefully keep him around for a while. “Well now that we have this account, I’ll be here in LA quite often handling the Asian Market. Most likely at least one week a month, maybe more. So it’s not like we’ll be apart forever,” I tell him. Even after telling him this I’m not sure if it is enough to ease his fears, if I have to use the only other thing that I have… the one thing I’m sure will help my situation. “And you’ll be coming to Pitts every once in a while.” “Yeah,” Justin says as he looks out the window across the room. I sit up and lean against the headboard next to him. I reach out and take his hand in my own. We are complete opposites, Justin and I, in everyway. It amazes me that we fit so well together. Hell even I can tell that we belong together in just the short time that we HAVE been together. I can’t imagine my life without him… I don’t even want to think about it. “It’ll just be strange is all. I mean I know that we can call each other, e-mail… whatever. And it’s not like we won’t see each other in another week or so… but it’ll be strange, different,” he states still looking out the window. He turns to me and smiles. “But you’re right. It’s not like neither one of us went into this whole thing thinking that we would always be … here. And it’s not like we won’t be together… just not in the physical sense. Am I making any sort of sense,” he finally laughs out. I laugh as well, since we are moving on to, I guess what one would refer to as another stage in our… relationship. Fuck, I still can’t believe that one. Brian Kinney in a fucking relationship. I guess neither one of us knows what to make of all of this. Things have moved in fast-forward in the past couple of weeks, and I’m amazed at myself for how far we’ve come, how close we have become. “Yeah,” I say leaning in to whisper in his ear. I pull Justin closer to me so he’s leaning against my chest. I can’t help but wonder what the week will bring. What will happen from when I step on that plane to when he arrives in Pittsburgh in a week and a half? What will everyone back at home think about me with someone? Fuck, I don’t even want to know what they will say. Mikey will be pissed I already know that. I’m not sure what Lindsey will think. Deb… fuck I’ll be lucky if she lets me out of the bear hug that she will undoubtedly give me, saying shit like how I’ve finally grew up. Fuck! I am NOT looking forward to that whole mess. The other thing is Justin… it’s all I’ve thought of for the past couple of days. How I can keep him with me, keep him interested in me. The only thing I am certain of is that I’m not ready to give this up yet. I want to try and see what it’s like. Hell if it doesn’t work then no one can ever say that I had never been in a …relationship. So I’ve thought long and hard on what I can do to keep him around. It’s the only thing that I can give anyone. I’m not all flowers, and walks in the park type of person, that’s just not me. So what do I have that I can give someone? It’s simple really… me. “Listen,” I begin not turning him to face me, cause I’m not sure I can say what I need to with him looking at me. “I’ve been doing some thinking about this whole thing, and I want to propose something to you.” “Okay,” Justin states, looking down at our hands. “I think that… that maybe it would be a good idea if… if we…” Fuck this is not turning out the way that I had rehearsed it in my mind. I can’t even fucking say it! If I can’t say it what else can I give. Fuck! I have to tell myself this isn’t for me really, this is for Justin, what Justin deserves. Justin turns toward me and straddles my hips. “If we what,” he asks leaning his forehead against mine. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I can do this. I have to do this. Why is it so hard to say it? I laugh slightly at the absurdity of it all. Who the fuck am I to even suggest this? “Okay, but promise you’ll think it over,” I ask. “Okay.” “I…I care about you,” I tell him. “And I was thinking that maybe we could … you know…try this whole … relationship thing.” Justin leans back a little and looks at me confused. “Brian, we already talked about that. I thought that’s what we were going to do. What’s going on,” he asked. He has no idea how hard this is for me to even get to where I want to be. I don’t know if I can even say the word, but yet he’s going to try and force it out of me isn’t he? When did this shit become so complicated? When did I even consider this whole… thing? I know, in fact I can tell you the moment it first came into my mind. It was that damn Neil, and the way he looked at Justin. Then the next fucking day with all those guys just fucking staring, and lusting. It still pisses me off that his publicist told him he can’t even kiss me in public…who did he do that with before? Why did that little rule come about? The thought of Justin with anyone else makes me sick, and I told myself that I wouldn’t let that happen. Once you have gotten a taste you can’t let this go. I can’t let this go, not now. I push him off of me and stand up, walking over to the window. It’s getting harder to breathe in here. I feel the walls closing in on me and I can’t even think. “I mean… I mean really do it. The whole fucking thing.” I can’t even look at him, not quite sure I can do this, but I know that I have to make the offer. I only hope I don’t fuck it up. I turn to face Justin and I see the confusion written on his face. He’s going to make me say it. Okay… here it goes. Just open my mouth and say the word… that’s all. Then Justin won’t have any reason to even look at anyone else. Right? It’s that simple. It’s just one word. One fucking word. “I mean like seeing each other and only each other.” He better get this cause I can’t get the word out. It won’t pass my lips… I’m trying I really am. “You mean monogamy,” he asks standing. I roll my lips into my mouth and nod slightly. Thank god he said the word cause there is no way I could. “Brian… You can’t be serious.” Anger and frustration begins to boil up inside me. Fuck that! Here I am opening up to him, asking him something that I never thought I’d even consider. Damn! Fucking twat! “Yes, I’m fucking serious. Jesus Justin!” I yell, and then head over to the side of the room to get my clothes. I don’t need this shit. “Brian,” he says placing his hand on my arm before I can reach for my pants. I begin to take deep breaths; cause all I want to do right now is run. Run as far away from here as I can and never fucking look back. Well it was fun while it lasted. Fuck! The one chance I had to see what everyone was talking about, and it’s already blown. “Brian listen to me.” I turn slightly and stare at the wall, not bothering to even look at him in the eye. I hear Justin sigh as he moves to sit on the edge of the bed. “I know who you are, Brian. I know what you are. I know that I could do that, but I’m wondering if you could. If you really could. I don’t want you making promises that you can’t keep, and I wouldn’t ask that of you. I can’t! I won’t.” Justin stands again and turns my face toward his own. Looking into his eyes, I see into his soul. I can see that he cares for me as much as I do about him, and I know he wants to be with me. He’s right, in all honesty, but it doesn’t calm my anger any. I hate it that he’s right. He most likely could do that whole monogamous relationship crap. But can I really do that? Could I change that much? Do I even fucking want to? I guess that’s the real question. “I can try. I want to try,” I tell him honestly. “This is just starting out.” “Are you worried that I’ll find someone else? Is that why you brought this up,” he asks me, and I look away from him. Yes, that’s what I think. I mean come on, who wouldn’t. “Brian, that’s not going to happen, Yes, I would love to be with you and only you. That’s all I wanted from the first moment I felt you. But I also know you,” he states. “You don’t know shit. You know what Blake told you about me. You only know what someone else told you. How the hell do you know that I can’t do it? Who the fuck are you to tell me I can’t fucking do it,” I yell letting the anger I’ve been feeling at this whole thing resurface. Fuck! Justin nods as I begin to pull away from him. “You’re right; I don’t know who you are there. Only what you are when you’re with me.” Justin moves back in front of me, and reaches out to touch my cheek. “Okay, let’s give it a shot,” he says whispering against my lips as he leans in. “Okay.” I feel our lips touch and his quiet agreement. I pull him against me hard, plunging my tongue into his mouth. I know he doesn’t really think that I could do it, but I told him I would try, and I fucking will. I will. I’m not ready to give this up, not when I had just found it. Fuck that. I’m not making any promises except that I’ll try my hardest. Who knows, maybe this will work out after all. Maybe I can be … monogamous. * * * * * * * I stand in line at the check-in counter, with Justin beside me. With all the stuff with 9/11 this will be as far as he can go. A part of me is glad to be having the break away… with all the drama that went on this weekend I need to think. But then the other part of me isn’t ready to head back without him. I don’t want to leave him here. We don’t talk as I step up to the counter for first class, and start checking in. Justin smiles up at me, and I can’t help but smile back. He has got to be the first person that has ever been able to keep up with me, who has kept me interested. For the first time in my life, I felt alive. Really alive when I was with him. I have never felt this way, and I’m not quite sure really what to make of it. So maybe this week and a half away will work out for us. Maybe it will give me time to think about what I really want, and what would be best for the two of us. Being here, this close to him… I can’t think of anything but him. The feel of his skin beneath my hands, the smell of his hair after a shower, the feeling I get being inside of him. Nothing else matters to me when I’m with him. We laugh, we talk, and we just enjoy being together. I’ve never had that and it confuses the hell out of me. After the lady behind the counter hands me my ticket and takes my bags, Justin and I make our way through the crowd toward the security post. Justin pulls on my hand, forcing me to turn to face him. “Now, Nick and I will be there next week. I’ll call you when I get the times and stuff.” I nod, and lean in a little. To hell with what his publicist says, I’m not leaving here without at least touching him one last time. Justin looks up at me, and brushes his lips against my own lightly, allowing me a small taste that leaves me wanting more. I pull away slightly and lean against him resting our foreheads together. “I’ll call when I get in, like I promised,” I tell him. “You better,” he says with a smile. “So I’ll see ya later?” Justin pulls back even farther and I know that it’s time to go. It’s time to head through those doors and leave him behind. I force my legs to move, and start to turn away. “Later,” I say letting go of his hand. “Later,” he answers back then turns to head back out toward the parking lot. We had told each other that we didn’t want a huge ‘good-bye’ scene at the airport. Hell it’s not like we’re not going to see each other again. It’s only going to be a week… okay a week and a half, but who’s counting. I watch him as he puts on his sunglasses and steps out into the sun. Forcing myself to turn away, I head toward the security gate, and make my way through. It’s time to go home… well time to head back to Pittsburgh. I wasn’t really sure how this whole thing would play out, and as draining as yesterday’s talk was… I feel better about leaving. I know that Justin will be there. It won’t be easy I know that. Hell if I don’t screw things up a thousand times, and as long as I don’t lie to him, I think we should be pretty good. Things just might work out. For the first time in my life… I actually feel good about tomorrow. * * * * * * * TBC…