EXPERIENTIA DOCET Fac ut vivas Get a life Part One This Chapter 9 Part One in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by Brian Kinney Featuring: Michael Novotony, Emmett Honeycutt, Ben Bruckner, Ted Schmidt, Deb Novotony, Gardner Vance, Cynthia Morgan, Justin Taylor, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. September 2002 Summary: Brian returns to Pittsburgh and has breakfast with the guys. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * I’ve been back almost ten hours by the time I walk into the diner for breakfast before work. I know already that Mikey’s going to be pissed that I didn’t call him the moment I got to the loft, but I had a more important call to make. Then this morning I plan to head straight to work to try and finish up the shit with this campaign. Will I take great pleasure in seeing Vance’s face when I hand him not only Justin’s contract but Nicholas Brendon’s as well? Two words… hell yes. I just know that if he could he’ll shit a fucking brick. He’ll try to hide it, his anger at being had… but I know that it’ll just tear him up. He’ll know that as long as he wants those two doing ads for this company, he has to keep me around. What a high it is knowing that he can’t touch me. I walk into the diner and spot the gang sitting in our usual spot. It suddenly hits me that my life before I had gone out to LA was what I had feared it was. Every day it is the same thing… hell we even sit in the same damn spot every fucking time. Day after day, the same thing, and I feel that meeting Justin now was the right thing for me. Of course I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to tell the guys, if I’m even going to try and tell them. What would they think about this whole situation? Hell I’m still trying to figure this shit out. I mean, I told Justin that I wanted a fucking monogamous relationship. I really must have lost my friggin mind. “Brian,” I hear Mikey yell as I move in to sit by him. “When did you get back?” “Last night,” I say as I look over at Deb letting her know I need some coffee. Hell I know that I’m going to most likely need more than coffee to get through the rest of the day. But coffee is always a good start. I hear Mikey go into his questions, and I bite my tongue to keep me from saying anything. ‘Why didn’t you call me?’ ‘Where have you been?’ Shit like that. I want to tell Mikey that he has Ben now, he should just be happy with that, and not worry about me. So I tune them all out until I hear Emmett going on about something or another. “Have you seen who will be in the latest issue of the Advocate? The one with the hot young thing on the cover…” “Come on, Emmett. We all know that actors only care about money, and fame. They don’t care about anything but themselves,” Mickey goes on. What little does he know? Hell when did he become an expert on what actors are like? “I have everything that this hot little item has been in,” Emmett goes on. Fuck, he’s one of those damn crazy fans that Justin had been chasing away all the time. “I have already watched that show he’s on, and can I say that he was … ah, the things I could do to him.” This whole conversation is getting too strange for me. Knowing what I know now, and seeing what it does to these people… it’s a wonder that more actors aren’t on drugs or something. “You wouldn’t know what to do with him if he stood right here in front of you bare ass naked,” I say. “Which show is that,” Ted asks trying to ignore me. Like that would ever happen. “Why Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Emmett tells everyone and I almost spit out my coffee. “I love that show,” Mikey states, and he reaches for the magazine preview picture Emmett got off the internet. I look over his shoulder and see a picture of Justin. Fuck! Emmett wasn’t kidding, Justin did look hot in this picture. Suddenly I feel a chill running through me… I wonder if Neil shot these pictures of Justin. That fucking ass hole. I know he has the hots for Justin, and seeing how good Justin is in these pictures, I can’t help but feel that all Neil would need is an opening and he’d be there with Justin. Fuck! “He’s that new guy right… the wizard or something? He is hot. With those tight pants and everything.” I guess Ben gave Mikey a look cause the next thing I know they kiss. “You’re still hotter.” Mikey continues to look down at the picture, and I look around the diner wanting to be as far away from here as I can. “What I wouldn’t do to meet him,” Emmett went on. I can feel the jealousy starting to boil up within me. “Did you see that one movie he did two years ago? I got a copy of it from a friend who saw it. It’s bootleg but Honey, let me tell you, there was a nice little shot of his ass… what I wouldn’t do for an ass like that, honey.” “I hadn’t seen that one. I know he has a new movie coming out the end of this year, beginning of next,” Mikey goes on. “They say that it’ll be out as soon as they pick up a distributor. It’s still an indie film though. But I hear it will be great.” Of course hearing my friends talk about Justin like he’s a fucking piece of meat is making me sick to my stomach. And what the fuck is this about an ass shot? That kid is going to have some explaining to do. There’s only one person who is privy to that ass and that’s me. Not my fucking friends! “I hear he’s going to be at that Sci Fi convention in New York next month. I already got my tickets.” Emmett sits there stunned, and I want to tell him that he can’t be more shocked then me. Yes, Justin is hot, but he’s mine. “And you are taking me right,” he asked Mikey. Oh no… that’s the last thing that I want. I can just see it now. Emmett and Mikey fawning all over Justin, posters and pictures galore, wanting just one minute with him. Fuck! Why didn’t I realize that this is what my life was going to be like? Now I’m glad that I didn’t tell them about Justin and I. I don’t even want to think about what they would do if they knew I was seeing him… hell even knew him. “The gay grapevine is buzzing over this man. They say that he’s single, and looking for Mr. Right. Imagine what it would be to have him to come home to every night.” Like they would fucking know what to do with Justin. “Doesn’t he drive a motorcycle, and his favorite music is…” Mikey begins. “He loves David Bowie, Lou Reed, White Stripe, and even Junior Wells when he is relaxing, just to name a few. He’s from Pittsburgh, you know. Born and raised here,” Emmett goes on. Yeah… born, raised and bashed here. What a wonderful combination. I don’t remember if that is in his bio, or if it’s really been out in the magazines and stuff or not. “I heard he is the same kid that was bashed here a couple of years ago… remember that,” Mikey asked. Fuck… okay I guess it is out somewhere. “Where did you hear that at?” Emmett asks leaning forward so he can hear Mikey better. “On the Justin-addicts message Board. Misfit said that he knew Justin back when he was living here… and that he went to school with him. He said that Justin was attacked by a fellow student a couple of years ago,” Mikey said. Fuck! What is that shit? People getting on these boards and shit and writing things that shouldn’t be put there. “Who on the show do you think they’ll hook him up with?” “I could see Spike of course… could you imagine that one,” Emmett goes on. Okay these two are too far into this to even acknowledge. They’re starting to scare me. Coming here was a bad idea I know that now. Hearing Mikey and Emmett and their ‘Justin Taylor appreciation society’ is making me sick. Just the thought of Justin with one of them… hell anyone else is sickening. Before I can say anything about stalking laws or something else derogatory, my cell phone rings. I don’t even look at the caller ID as I flip it open and answer. “Yeah,” I say wanting to scream at this fucking mess around me. A part of me knows that since everyone is already here, well minus the munchers, that I can’t answer my usual fashion. I have to play nice, which is the last thing on my mind. “Hey,” I hear the voice of the man who has been the hot topic today. “What are you doing? Are you busy?” Just hearing his voice sends me into a tailspin. My heart starts racing, my cock almost instantly hardens, and it seems as if the world just fades away. Fuck! What this kid does to me…and he won’t even be here for another week and a half. “Not much, and no. Shouldn’t you be on your way to work? It’s what…Almost five.” I ask him looking at the clock on the wall. “Don’t tell me they let you have the day off.” I hear Justin laugh, and I smile slightly. His laughter has a way of making others around him happy… that and his damn smile. “I’m at work already, have been for an hour. I’m on break. I’m finished with make-up and just waiting to start, so I’m just sitting here talking to you. Is that a problem?” “Just sitting there,” I ask him with a small smile on my lips. “Why you want a repeat of last night,” he asks and I can hear the laughter in his voice. Just thinking about our ‘talk’ last night sends an immediate signal straight to my groin, and I try to shut out the images going through my mind of his naked body laying beneath me. Fuck, that little twink. He knows exactly what he’s doing and how to make me smile. “You’re bad, you little sex fiend you. Why didn’t you tell me that the magazine was going to be out?” By this time, I completely shut out anything and everything around me. I know that it is a mistake on my part, but right now all I care about is Justin, and what he has to say. “It was a surprise. In fact I have to go to the party for it. It’s amazing, I thought it wouldn’t be out until next issue,” he tells me. “I hope I don’t look too bad in the pictures.” I smile at his innocence. It amazes me that after everything that he’s been through, everything that he’s done, he can still be unsure of himself. I know that he doesn’t want to look bad in anything that he does, and he still to this day has a belief that he’s no good. No matter what I tell him, or anyone else for that matter, he still feels that he is a terrible actor, and that he should just quit while he’s ahead. I wonder if it’s some after effect of what he’s been through… both with his parents, the school, and the bashing. What happened that had given him these insecurities about himself? It’s something that I’ll need to ask him when I see him next. This is something that we’ll have to work on. “I’m sure it will look great, Justin. You worry too much. Who shot the pictures?” The sharp intake when I said Justin’s name finally registers in my brain. Fuck! I guess my secret is out. “Neil… you remember him, right. I told you he did the pictures for that. He’s supposed to be there at the party so I’m going to see what he’s come up with for the ad.” Great not only did Neil take the pictures, he’s going to be at the party… and I just sent Justin right to him. Fuck! “So do you and Nicholas have your tickets yet,” I ask him wondering when I will see him again. Not that I’m anxious or anything, but…but hell I don’t know, all I know right now is I have to get my mind off of him and Neil. “Yeah,” he says. “We’re scheduled to land in Pitts next Wednesday at two fifteen.” I hear quiet whispers from the guys and I close my eyes, wanting everything to just disappear. Realizing that I’m screwed, I stand up and walk outside of the diner. They don’t need to hear anymore of my conversation. I’ll deal with the fallout of this later. “So where you staying,” I ask silently hoping that he’ll say what I want him to say. “I could always stay at the same hotel that Nick and his wife are… but….” He begins. I can see where this is heading and I smile to myself. “I know this guy there who said that I should come and see his loft. So I thought…” I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. “Really? What’s this guy like?” Okay so I’m fishing… can you blame me? “Well he’s hot, an incredible kisser, oh and he’s great in bed.” I have to laugh at his description. “And I figured that I might as well spend some time with my boyfriend while I’m there.” Hearing him call me that brings me hope that things will work out between us… that this long distance thing just might work. “Really? So when do you get done tonight?” “Around ten or so. Want me to call you when I get home,” he asks. “Yeah,” I tell him. I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight without talking to him. Somehow I realize that I sleep better with him near, or at least talking to him. I’ve gotten so used to it, that now… now it’s hard not to have my little ‘Justin fix’. Of course a phone call isn’t as good as the real thing, but it’s better than nothing. “I better let you get back to work.” “Yeah, I better go see what’s going on. Later,” he says. “Later,” I reply back. We never say good-bye to each other, and truthfully I’m not sure why. Since that day that we had first met, it’s always been later instead of good-bye. I think that word would get stuck in my throat if I ever tried to tell him that. I don’t ever want to know what it will feel like. I put my cell back in my jacket pocket and briefly wonder if it would be better to just leave… leave all the questions that I know they will be asking me if I go back in there. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who I was talking to, and that someone was the very topic of discussion since I had walked into that room. Taking a deep breath, I pull open the door and decide to meet this head on. * * * * * * * The moment I sit down I know that this was a mistake. I should’ve done what I had thought of and left… but no I had to try and face the music. This is the last time I do this. Mikey seems pissed, why I don’t know. Emmett is practically jumping out of his skin, Ted… well I don’t think that he really cares one way or the other. Ben… well who knows with him. And just my fucking luck that Deb has decided to make her way over to us at the exact moment that Emmett opens his mouth. “You know Justin Taylor,” he asks. “What,” Deb practically yells. She pushes Ted out of the way and sits down across from me. Just what I need another person of Justin’s fan club. Knowing now that they have the connection to what happened three years ago, I wonder what they all think about it. Do they care? Did they care at the time? They hadn’t made the connection until they had seen something on the message boards. Hell I didn’t either at first, but for me it was more personal. Deb I know was all over it, with her gay rights campaign and wanting to march down to city hall when they had let the fucker go. I look up from my coffee and sigh. “He’s doing an ad for Vanguard. That’s why I went out to LA,” I explain not wanting to get into everything with them now. Okay, maybe not ever. “And yes,” I begin before the other question I know that will come can be asked. “He is coming here next week to finish the ad.” “I would love to be able to have him come and talk with my class about what it’s like for him there,” Ben says looking at me. “Do you think that it might be possible?” At least he’s asking. I nod, letting him know that I’ll ask, but promising nothing. Emmett is practically bouncing up and down in the booth, and I try to stop the urge to reach across and strangle him. “You just have to introduce us,” he says. “Why?” I ask not even wanting to think about Justin anywhere near this crew. “He’s going to be busy with the ad, and I don’t think that he’ll have the time to do anything else.” “You fucked him didn’t you,” Michael practically yells. I swear that the whole fucking place just went silent. You can hear a pin drop in the place. I don’t answer his question; they don’t need to know who I fuck. It never mattered before so why now? I pick up my coffee cup and take a drink. I’m definitely going to need something stronger; there is no doubt in my mind. “Well there goes any chance that any of us may have had,” Ted says looking across the table at me. “Why do you say that?” Emmett asks. “We all know that he only does someone once… so the field is still open.” “Like hell it is,” I say before I realize what I’m doing. “Fuck it, I’m out of here.” As I stand up to leave I feel Deb’s hand on my arm. “What’s the matter with you,” she asks. I look over at Emmett and at everyone sitting there waiting for some explanation. “Let’s just say that the ‘gay grapevine’ is a little behind the times,” I say throwing my money on the table and left. Okay… so I just outed myself to everyone. Yes… Brian Kinney has a fucking boyfriend. Fuck! I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like it’s any of their damn business who I fuck or not. But hearing them go on and on about Justin like that… I know that I should’ve stayed and explain what I meant, said something. Well something besides what the fuck I did say. I bet right now they are wondering if hell has frozen over, or saying shit about the apocalypse being here. I really don’t want to mess with anyone or anything right now. I am not ready to try and explain myself to them… hell I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. I’m Brian Kinney. No apologies, no regrets. Fuck that shit. I don’t want to deal with that right now. All I want to do is go home, and drink myself into oblivion. * * * * * * * I walk into the office, knowing that when I leave here I’ll be getting hell from Mikey and the guys. I only hope that they wait until after work. The last thing I need now is for a million phone calls from the gang. I walk past Cynthia and set my briefcase on my desk so I can pull out the papers and information on the whole deal. “Vance said that he wants to see you as soon as you get in,” she said with a smile. She’s been fucking ecstatic since we got the contracts signed. I know what she means… this is our chance to prove to Gardner Vance that he can’t push us around. I pull out the file, and grab the cup of coffee in her hand, downing it, drowning all thoughts of this morning out of my mind. Setting the cup on the corner of my desk, I smile at my assistant. “Time to meet his majesty,” I tell her as I head out the door and down the hall to Vance’s office. By the time I reach his office I calm myself enough so that I don’t have a smug look on my face. I can’t wait to shove these contracts in his face, and see him try to pull it off as if HE had planned it that way. After the shit he tried to pull on me while I was away, saying that if I couldn’t do it then he would find someone who could. Well fuck him…I showed him. I walk into his office and sit down in the chair across from him. “So Brian, do you have the contracts?” I grab the file I have in my lap and hand him the paperwork. With the stuff in his hand, he opens it and begins to look it through. “So I assume that everything went smoothly?” “Right as rain,” I say. “Everyone will be here next week to finish up the project and we should be set for OUR meeting with Mr. Jacobs at the end of the week.” I have the whole thing planned out, and I know that if I don’t make sure that I stress that it will be our meeting he’ll fucking try and shut me out again. Of course I don’t think that I was supposed to know about the meeting, but then again, Cynthia and the grapevine pulls through again. “I’m positive that Mr. Jacobs will be pleased with the outcome.” Vance looks through the file and I know when he spots the extra contract sitting in the file. His face pales a little more, and his eyes widen. Of course I’m trying to wipe the smile that is threatening to surface. Smug bastard. “I wasn’t informed of this new addition,” he states, trying to pull it off as if I had made a mistake. “It was a last minute addition. Mr. Brendon came with Mr. Taylor to the shoot, and stated that he would be thrilled to be included in the deal,” I tell him. I can almost see the steam coming out of his ears. He’s pissed that as of this moment he can’t fucking touch me. He knows that since what is in the contract that he has to watch out how he treats me. If I leave…so does his contracts with Justin and Nicholas. Sucks to be Vance. We sit and talk a little more about the deal, and after an hour I head back to my office. I can see the smile on Cynthia’s face, and the question in her eyes. I grin back at her as I walk in and close my door. Fuck Vance! He thinks that he can get rid of me, and that he can do this shit without me. He thinks that I don’t know how to do my job and that he can do a better job than me? Well fuck him. He knows now that without me… he’ll be shit up a creek. Since I really didn’t have to be in today, I tell Cynthia after lunch time that I’m heading out for the rest of the day. I have too much shit I have to do, and sitting around the office isn’t one of them. I want to have everything done by the time Justin calls around 10. That’s one phone call I don’t want to miss. * * * * * * Somehow I knew that this was coming the moment I stepped out of the elevator. I knew that Mikey would be making an appearance at my door sometime tonight, so I just opened the loft door, and headed toward the bedroom to change. Nothing was said during that time, but I knew that Mikey was just waiting until he had my attention. Walking toward the kitchen I grab the bottle of Beam, filled a glass and moved toward the living room. Sitting on the couch, I brace myself for the confrontation I know is coming. “So when were you going to tell me,” he said standing in front of me. I looked up at him and shrugged, downing my drink. Standing I headed back to the kitchen to pour me another drink, and I feel him behind me. I know he’s disappointed that I didn’t fill him in on what’s going on… but hell it’s not like he’s filled me in on all the shit that’s been going on in his life lately. I’ve noticed that these past couple of years our friendship has changed. I’m no longer number one on Mikey’s list of priorities. I know this… and in a way I’ve accepted it. He’s got a life now… a life away from me, separate from me. We’ll always be friends, but we’ve both grown up… and maybe grown a little away from each other. As much as it pains me to think that, I know it’s true. We’re not those young kids anymore. “What, you and Emmett foregoing the worshipping at the ‘Alter of Justin Taylor’ tonight?” “This isn’t funny. What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked me. I turn to face Mikey and I can see that he’s not amused. “Oh come on now, Mikey. Not ten hours ago, you thought he was the hottest little thing. I was wondering who was the head of the Fan club… you or Emmett.” “I’m serious,” he said looking at me. He seems a little pissed off, and I can say that I don’t blame him. Okay, I think he’s totally over-reacting, but there’s only so far that I’m going to go with this whole conversation. “What is going on? We’re best friends, we tell each other everything.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. What do I tell Mikey? How do I explain my relationship with Justin to him. “What do you want me to say, Mikey? Justin’s a great guy, we talked about … hell everything. I had a great time with him. He’s coming here, and I plan on spending time with him while he’s here. What do you want to know? Did I fuck him? Yes, we slept together… more than once even. Fuck I can’t even think of the number of times we were together. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s…What do you want me to say?” I shrug and move back to the couch. I knew that if they found out that I was seeing Justin… hell if anyone found out, they would freak out. “Are you two seeing each other?” he asks. “Are you… dating him?” I turn away from him not looking him in the eye. Mikey stands there in shock, and he doesn’t look happy. “You’re dating him?! I thought you didn’t to that. I thought you said you didn’t believe in all of that crap.” “Mikey… you wouldn’t understand.. hell I don’t understand. Trust me when I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know. But until then I’m going to go about my business, and see where things lead me… lead Justin and me.” I can see that he’s still pissed and I stand next to him. “Mikey,” I begin trying to get his attention. “Mikey, listen. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. I know that for right now… this is right. My fucking life is at a stand still. Everyone is moving forward and I’m stuck in a fucking time warp. This is my chance Mikey. I thought you’d be happy for me.” “You don’t believe in love… or boyfriends,” he said, and I can see the sadness in his eyes. I know that Mikey has always had this thing for me… he always wanted to be the one for me. But I’ve never felt that way about him before. I have never wanted that type of relationship with him. “Why now?” “Fuck if I know,” I laugh slightly. “I’m feeling things here Mikey that I have never felt before. I’m thinking things and doing things that I never dreamed I’d be doing or thinking. I have no fucking clue, and it scares me to death.” I move closer to him and pull him closer to me so our foreheads rest against one another. “Mikey… I have no idea what I’m doing here. We’ll always be there for each other… no matter what, that won’t change.” Mikey nods, and pulls away from me. I know that he’s not satisfied with my answer, and I don’t know if I really care. I wanted to tell him he’s a fucking hypocrite if he thinks that I can’t have a shot at what he and Ben have. That I can’t change. I want to yell and curse him for thinking that I can’t change, and find some sort of happiness. But instead I use the only thing that I know will work with Mikey…sexual tension. He lives on it… the game we’ve been playing each other for years. He fucking thrives on it. Always waiting for the day that I will give him what he wants, or think that he wants. Well fuck that. I won’t fuck him, not now, not ever. That’s not what I want or need. No matter what I feel for Mikey it will never be enough for him. I stand there watching as he heads out of the loft, and I wonder what our friendship will be like now. Will he be there for me like he always has been? Will my seeing Justin change everything for me.. for Mikey and I? I don’t know. I don’t know if forced to choose, who I would. Would I choose Mikey, or would I chose Justin? All I know is that I hope it doesn’t come to that. Cause I’m not ready to give up what I have started with Justin. This is my only chance at something real, and I’m willing to do anything to keep it, keep him around for a while. Mikey just may lose, and I don’t know if I’m really ready to let go yet. * * * * * * * Ten o’clock comes and goes, and I sit on the fucking couch waiting for the damn thing to ring. I don’t know what to think anymore. The more time that passes without word pisses me off more. I can’t believe this shit. Justin is at that Party that he has to go to. He didn’t say that it was tonight, and he said that he’d be done with the studio by now. So where the fuck is he? What the fuck am I doing here waiting for his call when more likely he’s out fucking someone? Okay, I know that I’m being irrational, but dammit I think I have a right! He thinks I can’t do this shit… this fucking monogamy shit? Well look where the fuck he’s at? I pour me another drink, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know… I fucking know that this won’t help matters any. If anything it will make everything worse. But do I stop? Fuck no! I’m well fucked by the time 10:15 rolls past, and I quickly take note that the bottle is almost empty. What’s a guy to do? It’s not like I’ve ever been in this sort of position before. It’s not like I’ve ever thought that I would be in this position. The only thing that runs through my mind is that party, and WHO is on the guest list. I know that that fucking Neil is there, Justin said as much. And that fucking prick isn’t hiding the fact that he wants Justin. The way they were together at the shoot… the fucking subtext and shit. Fuck! I know that Justin was disappointed that I had to leave, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I have a job, and I can’t just up and leave it. I pick up the phone and start to dial his cell. Hearing the damn voice mail message, I hang up without leaving a message. What the hell am I doing? I just bet that Justin hasn’t called cause he’s unable to. It’s the reason WHY that I don’t like. I mean I know that he’s busy and shit… but dammit he said that we could make this whole long distance thing work. It hasn’t even been a full 36 hours and he’s already off fucking someone else. That little fucking shit. Yah, he was hurt I left, and I just bet that that fucking ass hole Neil is just lapping it up. I bet he’s trying to make Justin get over his sadness. FUCK! I throw the bottle across the room, stand and head toward the bedroom. This calls for some fucking payback. Fuck him and fuck his long distance shit. I’ll show him just who I am. He says he knows all about me… well if he did then he wouldn’t be out fucking some ass hole. ‘Want me to call you when I get home?’ Well fuck that. Grabbing my jacket and keys, I storm out of the loft. There’s only one place that I can think of that will take my mind off of that little fucking twink. Fuck him and his crazy ideas. I need to wash the bad taste out of my mouth. I can’t believe that I actually bought into it. I actually believed that we could make this work. Well I’m not going to be sitting around waiting for him to decide what the fuck he wants. Not me. * * * * * * * I walk into the Baths, and pay the attendant. Now this is where I belong… not waiting by the phone for some fucking little twinkie to call me. No. I strip and begin to walk the halls. Looking into the rooms lining the hallway, I begin to feel the tension that had been building all day start to leave. This is where I belong. This is the person I am. On my way to the baths, I had stopped by and saw Anita for a quick fix, and I can feel the Special K take effect with each step I take deeper into the bowls of the Baths. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something of interest in one of the rooms. I walk in and drop my towel, looking over the dark haired, muscular body before me. This is my type. What Justin is… is frankly the opposite of everyone I had ever had. Fuck, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t think about that little twat here. Without any words passed, I feel the man’s hand on my cock, rubbing his thumb over the head. Oh yeah. I feel as he begins to stroke my length, forcing my blood to flow straight to my cock. The drugs only enhancing the feeling of his warm mouth around my member, his hands cupping my balls. I place my hands on his head and start of fuck his face, needing to get a release. I pull the trick to his feet before he can get me off and push him down onto the bench. Placing a condom on my still hard cock, and slam deep into him. Fuck being gentle, fuck caring if he’s uncomfortable or not. This isn’t about him… it’s never about them. There is only one thing that matters, and that’s me… my fucking needs. And there’s nothing wrong with getting one’s needs meet… right? As I slam into the guy’s ass I clear my mind. No caring, no dreams… nothing. The trick shoots his load, and I feel his ass tighten around me. Pushing harder and faster, I move myself toward my own release. Closing my eyes, I can only groan as I cum. Pulling out of the guy, I throw the condom in the garbage and walk down the hall. After at least two more stops, I notice that it’s three a.m. and I need to get back home to rest before work in a couple of hours. After getting dressed, I leave the Baths with a satisfied smile on my face. Take that Justin Taylor. You think that you can fuck with me? * * * * * * * I close the loft door, and walk toward the bedroom. The message light on the answering machine is blinking at me, and I shake my head. Pressing play as I make my way up the steps I hear the voice of the man I had been waiting on all night. “Brian? Hey… listen, I guess you’re not home. It’s about 9:30, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m heading out now. I forgot all about that fucking party tonight. I’ll call you when I get there. I was hoping that you’d still be there, I mean it’s only like what…12:30 or so there? Okay… I guess I’ll try back later.” I freeze in my tracks when I hear the message. “FUCK!” I can’t believe that I forgot all about that. How could I forget something like that? Fuck! “Brian,” comes Justin’s voice again on the machine. “I guess you’re still not home. What the fuck are you doing out on a work night at 1,” his voice laughs. I feel like such shit. “Okay… uh, I just wanted you to know that I’m at the party, and I’ll call you just as soon as I can. I don’t think I’m going to stay long… only a couple of hours. I’ll call when I get home. It should be around midnight or so… my time. Fuck, I hate this whole time difference shit. Okay, I’ll talk to you later.” I sit down on the bed, and run my hands over my face. Fuck, fuck, fuck! How could I be so fucking stupid? He didn’t forget… he was just busy with work. I can’t believe that I forgot about the time difference. I smile slightly at how quick I was to judge, how quick I was to just believe the worst. I can’t believe that I got so worked up over nothing. Fuck… I am new at this shit. “Brian… Jesus what are you doing,” Justin’s voice laughs. “I hope you’re not working too hard. Or maybe that your friends are keeping you out late. It’s a work night, you should be resting. But then again, who am I to say shit,” he laughs again. I know that he’s joking, I can hear it in his voice. Then it hits me… Fuck! I rush into the bathroom and let what little food I have in my stomach out, as Justin’s voice continues to ring through the loft. “Well, I won’t bother you again tonight. You should get some sleep. It’s almost midnight here, and I have to be at the studio at four, so I guess I better head home to get some sleep myself. I just wanted to let you know that … I miss you,” he said quietly and it makes me feel even worse. “Later, Bri. I miss you.” “What the fuck have I done?” I can only sit there by the toilet and place my head in my hands. I am so fucked. I believed the worst, and now… When I had left LA I had told myself that I would be able to keep my promise to Justin... but the first sign of trouble… fuck! How am I going to explain this? How do I tell him that I fucked up? I want to call him back, to tell him I miss him … that I’m sorry I wasn’t here when he called. But the sensible part of me knows that he’ll ask where I was. He’ll wonder what I was doing all night. How in the hell do I tell him about what I had done? Who I had done…. Fuck! The first test and I fuck it up. No… I won’t tell him. That will work. What Justin doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? He didn’t think that I could do it anyway, so why let him know? That’s what I’ll do. I’ll just forget about it… not tell him. He doesn’t need to know, and everything will be alright. I learned my lesson. I’ll remember next time. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Just take it as it is… a lesson. I just hope to god that he never finds out. * * * * * * * This is Chapter 9 Part 2 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by Justin Taylor Featuring: Neil, Nicholas Brendon, Anthony Stewart Head, BTVS cast, Brian Kinney, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. September 2002 Summary: Brian has returned to Pittsburgh and Justin is now faced with uncertainty. * * * * * * I hardly get any sleep during the night. Dreams of Brian danced though my head, and I could see him whenever I closed my eyes. I can smell his scent in the sheets, feel him on my skin. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through 10 days without him. It’s funny that I had always done what needed to be done, always for others and never caring about myself, never needing anyone. Now… now I find that I need someone there with me. Someone to help chase away the sadness that still lies deep within me. The one person I thought I would never find. The other half of my soul. I’m not naive, and I’m not stupid. I know what I want, what I need. I guess I just am afraid that once I have it, I’ll lose it. I know that I’m still pretty fucked up. I know that between Hobbs, my dad, my mom.. hell so many people in my past, I know that they did a number on me. I’m fucked up; there is no doubt about it. But I think I’ve found the person who I can share all of that with…share all the stuff inside. I head to work early Monday morning, almost dreading the day before me. This will be one hell of a long day. All I know right now is that I love Brian. I know that he had said he could be monogamous, but I am so afraid that he won’t be able to follow through with it. I hope he can, I even pray for it… but am I sitting around holding my breath? No. I can’t… I won’t. God do I wish that he could. I want to believe him. I want to believe that we can make it work… but I’m a realist if nothing else. I know that the likely hood of us working out is slim to none, but I can hope for it right? I walk into the studio and head straight toward make-up. I have to get my ‘bruises’ worked on for today’s shoot. I can honestly say that I love this job. I love working with these guys. They have made me feel right at home. It’s the only reason why I get up in the morning. It’s still hard to believe that a year ago…hell five months ago, I was ready to hand in the towel. Despite the fact that I had been in at least one movie, and I had offers on the table… I still felt as if my life was out of my hands. That I had no one. Now, sitting here in this chair, I feel that I have a family. I have friends who will watch my back… and a lover who is willing to put his reputation on the line … all for me. I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in Pittsburgh. If I had stayed in that hell. Would I have followed my father’s ‘orders’ and denied who I was? Would I be in college… most likely Dartmouth since that’s where Craig wanted me to go? I don’t know. All I know is that for the first time in my life… the first time since I had meet Chris Hobbs, my life is going great. That only brings me to my next thought… what happens when I go back there? Do I tell my mom that I’m coming? Will I even be allowed to see her and Molly? Will I run into Chris Hobbs? I hope to god I don’t. I don’t even want to think about that. I know that I’m still suffering from what had happened. I have the evidence every day of my life in the form of a shaky right hand, and that small scar near my temple. That’s the way of life I guess. I try not to think about it at all. Forget that I was ever a victim. Forget that my dreams had been taken from me. I can’t think about it… it’s too painful. So I just bury it. I’ve buried it soo far down within my psyche that I’m afraid to even go back to that town. I’m afraid that if I go back there… everything that I have lead myself to believe in the past three years has been a lie. And I have been lying to myself. There is no doubt about that. I am the perfect subject to have his head examined. Maybe someday, but not today… most likely not for a long time. Once they are finished with me, I step out of the small trailer and walk over to my own. Thinking about that place, about the past has left me feeling alone… lost. Pulling out my cell, I dial a now familiar number, and await the response. “Yeah,” he says, and I can almost hear the stress in his voice. “Hey. What are you doing? Are you busy?” I smile into the phone. I want to tell him that just hearing his voice makes me hard. Just hearing his smooth voice sends my heart racing. God how I love this man. “Not much, and no. Shouldn’t you be on your way to work? It’s what…Almost five. Don’t tell me they let you have the day off.” I can hear the sarcasm in his voice. He’s loving this… I just know it. I laugh. Just the thought that I had the day off, and the knowledge that he actually knows my schedule amazes me. “I’m at work already, have been for an hour. I’m on break. I’m finished with make-up and just waiting to start, so I’m just sitting here talking to you.” I decide that maybe a little payback might be in order… and well maybe I’m fishing for information. “Is that a problem?” “Just sitting there?” He asks me, and I can just imagine what he’s thinking about. “Why you want a repeat of last night,” I laugh. Last night I had called him around 10, and we talked for like two hours. Fuck, my phone bill this next month will be a pain. But it was well worth it. It’s hard to believe how much I got off just talking to him. I had never before had phone sex… and I can say that my introduction into that little realm was the very best. I know just thinking about last night is getting me hard, so I can guess what it’s doing to him. “You’re bad, you little sex fiend you. Why didn’t you tell me that the magazine was going to be out?” Fuck… I was hoping that he wouldn’t mention that. “It was a surprise. In fact I have to go to the party for it. It’s amazing; I thought it wouldn’t be out until next issue. I hope I don’t look too bad in the pictures.” I am so nervous about the article. I hope that I look alright, that I don’t look too much like a little kid. It’s my fucking curse I guess. I look about 14… not almost 20. But what the hell, right. It’s not like I can do anything about it. But I still want it to look good. I mean a lot of the gay population … and quite a few of the straight ones as well will be reading that article. I have no doubt about that. All I know is that those who didn’t know I was gay… now will. I know that Brian is smiling at me. He always makes fun of my insecurities. He thinks it’s funny that I still feel that way. “I’m sure it will look great, Justin. You worry too much. Who shot the pictures?” I am grateful that I have him. One thing about Brian that I have learned and experienced over the past couple of months is that he pulls no punches. If something -- especially a magazine layout, or a picture -- isn’t right he’ll tell someone. He has no hesitation about that. If something didn’t feel right, he’d tell me. Of course it’s not like he’s already seen it, which he hasn’t… but I feel better nonetheless. It’s funny that as sure as Brian is about everything, there is one thing that I know that he is unsure about. And that’s our relationship. Well he’s unsure in part. He knows what he wants – yes, but he gets so jealous about other people and how they look at me. I think that it’s kind of cute… not that I would ever tell him that. “Neil… you remember him, right. I told you he did the pictures for that. He’s supposed to be there at the party so I’m going to see what he’s come up with for the ad.” I try to ease his tension, which I just KNOW he’s feeling at the mention of Neil’s name, by telling him that its just business. I had hoped that I had eliminated his fears where that issue was concerned, but I guess I was wrong. He still feels that jealousy. It’s funny really. I’m not afraid to let people know that I’m gay… hell I would prefer it actually… but the thing is, I still have to follow certain rules. I know that when Brian was here and we went out he hated that we couldn’t do certain things. We couldn’t kiss, we couldn’t hold each other. I wish that we could, and I know that he understands that all I want to do is show people who I am and who I love… but if I do I know that my publicist would have a fucking cow. He’d be so angry, and the last thing I need right now is more bad press. I’ve had enough of that shit to last me a lifetime. Some stupid shit came out once… about the incident back home, and now I guess that’s why I’m finally agreeing to do these things. These interviews, and articles. I never wanted to be the type of person who thrived on that sort of shit. I wanted to keep my private life just that… private. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen anymore. I’m stuck. “So do you and Nicholas have your tickets yet?” Brian asks me, bringing me back to the here and now. I’m glad for the subject change… my mind was beginning to race a mile a minute and for me that isn’t good. “Yeah,” I tell him. In fact, Nick and I had picked them up the same day that I had dropped him off at the airport. I was out to my car before I had realized that I had forgotten to schedule them. Okay… so I’m a blonde, as many people like to remind me of. “We’re scheduled to land in Pitts next Wednesday at two fifteen.” “So where you staying,” he asks me quietly. I smile at his bout of unease. He’s nervous, that much I can tell. Of course he would never admit it to anyone, I know, but I can still hear it appear in his voice ever so slightly. I put my finger to my lips thinking of how I could answer him. “I could always stay at the same hotel that Nick and his wife are… but….” I know that I’m just killing him. I know that if he were here in front of me he would take me in his arms and make me suffer. Not that that would be a bad thing mined you. “I know this guy there who said that I should come and see his loft. So I thought…” “Really? What’s this guy like?” I just love it when he gets all unsure of himself. I pause thinking it over… making him suffer. “Well he’s hot, an incredible kisser, oh and he’s great in bed.” Hey now none of that is a lie. I could die a happy man in his arms. “And I figured that I might as well spend some time with my boyfriend while I’m there.” “Really? So when do you get done tonight?” “Around ten or so. Want me to call you when I get home?” Like I really have to ask that question. “Yeah. I better let you get back to work.” “Yeah, I better go see what’s going on.” Not that I really want to now. I want to have his arms around me… holding me. But I know that it’s not going to happen… Not for a while yet anyway. Not for 10 days. God is it really that long? Damn! “Later.” “Later,” he replies back. I know that this is killing us both. We were in heaven those couple of weeks we were together. But we’ll be together soon. I know it. And I can’t wait. * * * * * * I head over to the tables for lunch, and sit down next to Nick. Reaching into my pocket I pull out his tickets and hand them over. “Thanks. I got reservations already for the wife and I. You sure you don’t want a room?” “Nah,” I say with a small smile on my lips. “I think I’ll be just fine.” “I bet you will,” he laughed. “So you ready to be back there?” “Back where,” Anthony asked as he came to sit down next to me. Anthony has been like a father to me for a long time. Between Nick and Anthony, they are my family… my support. Well those two and Blake. I remember the first time I had met Anthony. Nick had introduced us, and instantly I felt like I had the father I had always wanted… one who was understanding and caring. I’ve been to his home in England lots of times, and I know that I’m a part of his family. He’s the only one outside of Nick and Blake who know everything about me. Even Brian doesn’t know everything. I know what he’s worried about me going back to Pittsburgh, same as Nick. They both want to protect me, and as much as I want to scream at them that they can’t always protect me, I’m silently thrilled. It’s nice to know that people care. It’s a lot more than I’ve had in recent years. “Back home for that ad thing,” I tell him picking at my food. Anthony just nodded, looking straight a head. I know he wants to say something but he’s not sure what. “Are you going to see your mother and sister while you’re there?” Okay that’s so not the question I had thought he’d ask, and it gets me thinking. Will I? “I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “A part of me wants to, and I know that my mom wants me to stop by… but….” Anthony places his hand on mine and gives it a squeeze. “Well I’ll only be a phone call away if you need anything.” I turn and smile at him. He’s never told me what NOT to do… he’s allowed me to make my own decisions and was always there no matter how they turned out. He doesn’t judge me or pass judgment on me. He’ll never say I told you so… which I am grateful for. I know that Blake isn’t like that… and neither is Nick. I know both of them mean well, but it’s nice to have someone who will allow me to make the mistakes needed to grow. I appreciate all of them… but Anthony is someone special. He’s the father of my heart, and I don’t know where I would be without him. Oh it’s not that he doesn’t push me to be the best I can… cause he does. In fact he keeps telling me that I should take some courses at the university… or do some plays. Expand my horizon, he says. “I’ll keep you in mind.” “Good,” He says with a wink. Nick, Blake, and Anthony… my family. All you have to do is add Alyson and my family is complete. The five of us are inseparable. I don’t ever want to think of what would happen if I didn’t have one of them. I can’t lose any of them. Now I have Brian too. My circle is complete. I only hope it’s strong enough to last, and that the fates won’t work against me this time. I’m happy and content for the fist time in my life. I don’t want to lose anyone. I like my life now. I can face anything. * * * * * * Blake comes up to me in a rush, and reminds me of the party. Fuck! I can’t believe that I had forgotten about it. I remember telling Brian that it was coming up, but I had completely forgotten that it was tonight. I was done for the night, so I quickly changed and headed to my bike. Pulling out my cell I dial the now familiar number, and wait for someone to pick up. “Hey I’m not here. Leave a message,” came his voice on the machine, and I felt my heart sink a little. Where is he? I told him I would call. God I hope that… no! Don’t fucking think like that. He’s just out with the guys or something. I told him around 10. I’m early so he’s not in yet. “Brian? Hey… listen, I guess you’re not home. It’s about 9:30, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m heading out now. I forgot all about that fucking party tonight. I’ll call you when I get there. I was hoping that you’d still be there; I mean it’s only like what…12:30 or so there? Okay… I guess I’ll try back later.” I close my eyes willing the awful thoughts that had sprung to my mind, and shake my head. “I’ve been listening too much to Blake,” I tell myself as I climb on my bike and start it up. “Don’t get all worked up over nothing. It’s not like that, and things will work out. It’s nothing.” After convincing myself I put my helmet on and pull out of the lot making my way downtown toward the Mondrian Hotel and the Sky Bar. I have been to a couple of parties, and I can say that I have never been real please with them. I mean yeah, it’s a great place to meet people, to get noticed – but it’s just not me. I pull up to the hotel, and let the valet take the bike away. People are lining up outside, wanting a glimpse of the actors. This is standard, since the Sky Bar is known to have some of the greats here. Someone important is always here, and fans just can’t wait to get a look at their favorite, or to touch just one of the actors or actresses. Plastering a smile on my face, I begin to walk up to the entrance. I’m still shocked that people actually give a damn about me. Seeing people off to the side asking for MY autograph is something that I never thought would happen. But there it is. Pictures of me, people wanting just one chance to talk to me. It’s almost overwhelming. I am beginning to think that Anthony is right. That I need to go and see someone about my phobia. I can’t stand large crowds, which is funny if you think about it. I mean I’m an actor in one of the hottest shows in the world… and yet I’m so fucking nervous whenever I get around a big crowd. I guess I never thought about it before. I didn’t think that it would matter. I never thought that I would be put in this position. Now that I’m here… I’m fucking scared shitless. I need to talk to Brian… I need to hear his voice, and then I know it will be alright. Stepping inside I walk over to the side of the mail lobby and pull out my cell. I feel my heart sink when I hear his machine again, and I try not to let it show. “Brian? I guess you’re still not home. What the fuck are you doing out on a work night at 1,” I say almost letting my disappointment show in my voice. No I won’t do that. I won’t make him feel bad for missing my call. I don’t want him to feel pressure. I take a deep breath and laugh slightly, hopefully letting him know I wasn’t mad. “Okay… uh, I just wanted you to know that I’m at the party, and I’ll call you just as soon as I can. I don’t think I’m going to stay long… only a couple of hours. I’ll call when I get home. It should be around midnight or so… my time. Fuck, I hate this whole time difference shit. Okay, I’ll talk to you later.” * * * * * * I walk into the room by the pool area, and I begin to mingle. Talking to everyone here, the stars, the promoters, the reporters, whoever, I begin to feel a little closed in. On the surface you feel right at home, like they are your best friends. But I know, man do I know. Some of the people there, you can just see it in their eyes… the truth behind their kind words. They are all fake. The ones who are just trying to make a name for themselves, who want to use you to further their career are all over you. Wanting to bow to your every whim. I know that beneath it all, they look at me like I’m some sort of freak. Maybe it’s just me… maybe it’s what happened to me. I don’t know, but I find myself a little nervous around them. I can almost see Hobbs coming around the corner with a bat wanting to finish the job… and I know that no one in this room would care less. It makes me sick. If it isn’t the people who want to use you to further their career, it’s the ones who want to use you for their other own purposes. Money, power… whatever. Then those ones who only look at you cause you are someone… ones who wouldn’t give you the time of day if you were just some kid on the side of the road. I haven’t really met that many people here in Hollywood who are real. Everyone wants you to conform… conform to their thinking. It’s not easy, I tell you, to be an openly gay man here. Not many people are. You never get the good parts, you’re always over looked… other actors refuse to work with you. I knew what I was getting into when I didn’t hide. Hell how could I hide when my damn picture was already over the fucking news! Everyone knew who I was… what I was. How could I turn around and say that I wasn’t gay? I can’t… and I won’t. I’m not ashamed. There are a lot of actors and actresses who are gay who refuses to come out. It’s not the norm. It’s not right. Hollywood can be unforgiving on many things. I spot Neil over by the bar, and I can’t help but appreciate his beauty. He is beautiful; there is not doubt about that. He is openly gay, and one of the top photographers in the world. He’s been everywhere, seen everything. He would be any gay man’s dream. He has the money and the power. He really doesn’t flaunt it either, which is amazing. He’s kind… caring… just not my type. I guess it’s just the fact that when he’s around other people – straight people – he tends to be superficial. Yeah, he doesn’t really hide who he is, but it’s almost as if he’s ashamed at times. He tries to pretend to make them feel more at ease. I’m not like that, never have. And if a fucking bat to my head didn’t change me, I don’t see how the damn Hollywood crowd could do it. Okay so I don’t do things that certain people say I shouldn’t do… like kiss my boyfriend on a crowded street, but if I don’t do something it’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am. Instead I tend to think of others. What would others think of whom I am working with if I go around and make big waves? I don’t ever want to do something that will hurt Nick, or Anthony’s careers… or Sarah’s or Ambers, or Alyson’s or anyone else I’m working with. I know how cruel people can be, and I know that if I do something ‘out of the norm’ too much then they may suffer for my needs and wants. That’s not something I want to ever happen. And then there’s Brian’s career. What would happen if we made out in the middle of a busy street? Where would I find the pictures plastered on the next day… hell the next hour. I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardize his life and career. No if I ever go down, I’m not taking anyone with me. I won’t pretend to be anyone I’m not, but I won’t drag others into my hell with me. I stay for another couple of hours before the sickening fakeness of my surrounding begins to choke me. I tell everyone that I have to be up early for filming so I head out of there as quickly as I can. I can’t stand it any longer. If I stayed in that room with those people, I may start to believe in their lies. If there’s one thing I won’t do it’s conform… conform to their idea of a perfect star. That’s just not me. I will not be forced back into the closet… not after what I have been through. * * * * * * I walk into the loft and throw off my shirt. Blake is already asleep and for once I’m kinda grateful. I am sooo not ready to talk right now. This night has been one big disappointment after another. I know that there are things that I have to do because I’m a star… but I don’t always have to like it. In fact there are often times I wish that I had never come here. Brian… just thinking about him brings a smile to my face. He’s one of the few people who I have been interested in who hasn’t made a big deal out of who I was. He doesn’t care that I’m a star. He could care less if I ever make it big. Oh he wants what’s best for me, and he wants to see me raise above all the crap that this place offers… but he doesn’t make a big deal out of it. When he told me that he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship… I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Of course my first thought was no way… not the man I had heard so much about. The Brian Kinney that I had heard about would never do that could never even attempt that. But then I realize that he’s not the Brian I had heard about. The man I know is different, caring, loving, and thoughtful. He always asks for my opinion, which I think is wonderful. Never before have I had someone really value what I thought… at least no one I was in a relationship with. And if I am wrong he will tell me. I mean I want a monogamous relationship… I just didn’t think that it was in him. I didn’t think that he even knew what the word was. And to hear him say that he wanted one too? I was ecstatic. Fucking thrilled. It’s what I always wanted… what I always craved. I walk over to the phone and dial Brian’s number. I try to hide my disappointment in my voice when once again I hear his machine pick up. “Brian… Jesus what are you doing? I hope you’re not working too hard. Or maybe that your friends are keeping you out late,” I say trying to sound cheerful. Not wanting to think that maybe he is out doing something that I don’t want to know. I can’t think like that. He said he wanted what I wanted. Brian never lies… at least he said he never would again. I take a deep breath and try to sound happy. “It’s a work night, you should be resting. But then again, who am I to say shit? Well, I won’t bother you again tonight. You should get some sleep. It’s almost midnight here, and I have to be at the studio at four, so I guess I better head home to get some sleep myself. I just wanted to let you know that … I miss you,” I say quietly. “Later, Bri. I miss you.” God do I miss him. How am I supposed to sleep without him beside me? I had gotten so used to that. At least last night I had his calming voice to ease my fears of separation. The fear that once he’s away from me, that we will not make it… that the past couple of months had been a lie. No… he loves me. I know he does. I crawl into bed and pull the covers up over me. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to do anything right now. I just hope that I can talk to him tomorrow. Please Brian… don’t tell me that this is the end. We’ve just gotten started. I don’t want to think that we can’t make it. No, I have to believe. Believe in him… in us. I can’t believe in the things that I had been told. I have to believe that what we have can overcome everything. That we will last. Calming myself enough, I close my eyes and know that tomorrow is another day… that tomorrow will be better. * * * * * * * TBC…