EXPERIENTIA DOCET Culpa est mea The fault is mine This Chapter 17 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Blake Wyzecky, Brian Kinney, Daphne Chandler, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: November 2003 Justin thinks about Brian, and comes up with a plan of his own, as he prepares to head to New York. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I left Pittsburgh, and all I can think of is what I left behind. A small part of me knows that I should’ve resolved things before I left, but the rest of me knew I needed to think of what exactly I wanted. I want to forgive Brian, I want to hear what he has to say. I do, really! It’s just that… hell, I don’t know, I guess the wound is just too fresh. Maybe with some time, we can get past this and work things out. Who knows? If it’s one thing I learned, relationships suck. I know, I know… I really shouldn’t think that, but with the way things have gone since I met Brian, can you really blame me. The worse thing… I don’t know if I would have it any other way. See the way I look at it – if we get past this then we will be stronger for it. I know this. Of course we have to get through this, and for that to happen I have to break down and talk to him. That’s the biggest problem, cause I’m not ready to forgive him yet. I can only hope that for the next couple of days I’ll be too busy that I don’t have to think about the whole thing. The next couple of days will be intense; we’re constantly going to be filming so we can start this convention tour before the holidays. Now here’s another thing… my life these next couple of years will be full. I talked to Joss, and today I sign the contract to go over to Angel once this season is over with. I have the promotion for the movie I’m in coming up next month, plus I’ve been asked to be in a couple more. I don’t know when I will ever have time to do anything… let alone have a relationship. I don’t want to seem selfish and tell him I’m willing to give us a go, when I won’t even be around for him. What type of person would that make me? It wouldn’t be fair to him. Who’s to say that we wouldn’t be back here again? Who’s to say that one of us won’t cheat on the other? I’m going to be working non-stop. I won’t have much time for myself… who’s to say I will have time for a boyfriend. How the hell do people do it? Fuck! I spent the day trying to avoid everyone. I didn’t want to talk about how things got so fucked up. It wasn’t easy considering we were here for 18 hours. I thought I had gotten away, but seeing Anthony standing by the bike when I came out of the dressing room, I knew that I couldn’t avoid it any longer. So here I am… sitting in a small bar, nursing my beer, waiting for the interrogation to begin. “I know, okay,” I begin. “I should’ve talked to him, you don’t have to tell me. You told me I might regret it, and in a way I do. It’s just that… everything got so fucked up so fast. I couldn’t think straight.” Anthony just sat there taking a sip of his beer, and nodded. “You need to do what you think is right. I only want you to think about what you want, and not settle for anything less. You deserve to be happy, Justin.” I start to pull at the beer label, trying to think about how things in Pittsburgh got so screwed up. “Everything… I never should’ve gone back.” Anthony reached over and put his hand on top of mine, offering comfort. “What happened?” “What didn’t?” I ask. “My mom was all freaky… wanting me to stay there, to be her son. Personally I think she just wanted to show my off to all those damn country club assholes. My dad… it was a mess. He still doesn’t want to acknowledge me. He still hates the fact that I’m gay. I think it’s worse now since everyone knows it, no matter how much he wants it silent. Then Molly… god! She wanted to use me to get herself into the ‘in-club’. She was great though… I had fun hanging out with her.” “You and your sister have always had a good relationship,” Anthony replied. “I’m happy that you were able to spend time with her, even though it was brief.” I nodded in agreement. It was nice, spending time with Molly. “Daphne, my friend, and I hung out. It was cool. We talked about everything. She’s coming out here, and I’m taking her to the screening.” I can’t help but smile. When we talked about her going, she was just so excited. She kept going on and on about what she would wear… who she might see there. It was like old times. I missed her. “Besides, Brian and your parents, what else happened,” Anthony asked. I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “I saw Hobbs.” Anthony quickly glances over at me, knowing that it must not have been good. “He didn’t do anything… hell I don’t even think that he knows that I was there.” Taking a huge drink from my beer, I try to clear my thoughts. “He was in this store when I took Molly to the mall. I should’ve known that I might have run into him… I guess I thought that … I had hoped…” “What happened?” “I freaked,” I tell him honestly. “I ran out of the store and went outside to have a cigarette. I couldn’t breathe. Brian saw me… I don’t know.” I look down at the bar and shake my head. That day had been a mess – one of the worst days in my life … well in recent history anyway. “I didn’t even want to hear him out, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t deal with anything after seeing Hobbs. How the hell can he walk around like nothing happened? How can they let him do that?” Those are question that have been plaguing me since the moment I saw him standing there – not twenty feet away from me. “Why does he get off like nothing happened when I have to live with it every fucking day?” “I can only imagine what it must be like for you, Justin. I know that Hobbs had done something to you that no one should ever live through. But you survived,” Anthony tells me. I want so much to believe him, that I have survived. At times I’m not so sure. “You have been through a lot in your young life. Your parents, what you went through at your school, Hobbs. You survived all of that, you will survive all of this as well.” “It’s not the same,” I begin. “Brian… he hurt me in a way that no one else has been able to. I don’t know if I can truly forgive him. I don’t know if things had been different between Brian and I when I saw Hobbs… I don’t know if I could’ve been able to handle it better. I don’t know.” Anthony wrapped his arm around me and just held me for a while. I’m so glad that I have him in my life. I don’t know what I would do without him, and I hope I never have to find out. “I think you should talk to someone about it.” I look over at him, knowing he’s right but god do I wish he wasn’t. “And… I think that you should take some time away. For yourself. You know that you are always welcome into my home. We’d love to have you for a while.” I think about it, and it sound damn good. I think I could squeeze in a week or two in England when the season is over with before I have to been on set for the movie I’ve been asked to do. “I just may take you up on that offer,” I smile briefly at him. “And… I’ll see if I can find someone to talk to,” I tell him. And I will. I can’t go on living like this anymore. I just can’t. I have to move on with my life -- get past everything. “And, I guess that I’ll think about talking to Brian. I do owe him that much.” Anthony smiles at me. I shake my head and laugh slightly. I guess that’s it… the decision has been made. When the hell did that happen? I realize that I have just agreed to take Brian back. Of course it doesn’t mean that I’ll make it easy on him. Hell no. I plan on making Mr. Kinney work for it. Man, it’s going to be one hell of a ride. * * * * * * * In two days, I’ll be in New York for that damn convention. I am not looking forward to it, but I guess it goes with the job. Well that’s what my contract says. All I know is that I have heard horror stories about these things, and I really don’t want to do it. I’ve been working long hours trying to make up for the time I already lost, and the time that we’re taking off for the holidays… I guess I’m just fucking tired. I step into the loft, the immediately throw my jacket onto the couch and pull out a beer. “Hey,” Blake says from his spot on the couch. I nod over to him as I make my way toward the bedroom to change. God, I’m fucking tried… I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks. “Brian’s been calling, I let the machine get it.” Coming out of the bedroom, I plop myself down on the couch and just lean my head back against the back. “I’ll talk to him later. Anything else?” “Not much, really. Eric called and said that the meetings with the magazines are being set up… he’ll let you know the dates and times.” I nod. I don’t even have enough energy to open my eyes. “How’d the interview go,” I ask him. Blake had an interview with a studio earlier today. He’s hoping to be able to work with the film crews, doing whatever he can. Blake shrugs slightly. “Alright I guess. He said he’d give me a call in a couple of days. We’ll see.” I hope he gets the job. Blake wants to keep his life on the good path… he doesn’t want to fall back into the same mess that he was in before he came out here. I know he’ll do alright, in whatever he does… he just needs to have more confidence in himself and his abilities. Unfortunately that’s not something I can teach him. I know I won’t let him fall off the wagon, but I also know I can’t stop him if he does. He has to be in control of himself and his life. It’s the only way he’ll feel good about it all. “So how was Pitts? Did you meet the ‘gang’?” He asked. I laugh slightly, shaking my head. “You can say that. Emmett… he’s something. I like him. Granted he is a little far out there, but he’s pretty cool. Ted looked alright. He seems lonely though. I think I’ve heard that him and Emmett gave it a try, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out.” I look over at Blake, letting him know that he should at least call the man. If for nothing else than to explain to Ted why he left. “We’ll see,” he answered my unasked question. God, who am I to try and give him advice on love and relationships. Especially when my own is so fucked up. “Deb, is a trip. She is willing to adopt anyone who walks in the door. Michael…” “Ahhh, Michael,” Blake said. “It’s hard to believe that he’s related to Deb.” “Yeah, he’s an ass. I don’t think he likes me too much.” I pull my legs up under my body, so I can lean back against the arm of the couch. “I guess he’s still in love with Brian then. I had hoped he had gotten over that shit,” Blake said shaking his head. “And it’s a fucking pity. I mean, Brian’s never going to fuck him. He has this great looking boyfriend, and…” “He’s still with the doctor?” I shake my head, and shrug. “He’s with some college professor now. Ben Bruckner. He’s a great guy. Good looking too. But, Michael… He really doesn’t like me. He was the one who blabbed about what Brian did. Right there in front of everyone in Babylon. God, I wanted to beat the shit out of him.” I did too. I really wanted to kill Michael that day, and I can honestly say that if I see him again, I might just do that. Fucking prick. “I mean I’m not happy that Brian did what he did. I’m not happy that Brian kept it from me, but dammit… I didn’t need that shit either.” “Welcome to the Pittsburgh gang,” Blake laughed slightly. “I always felt like an outsider. No one really liked me. Emmett treated me like shit… hell everyone did. Brian acted like he could’ve cared less if I was there or not. I guess it was better than what everyone else gave me.” “I don’t know how anyone can handle that shit,” I tell him shaking my head. “I was there a week and I was already sick and tired of it.” Blake stood up and put his hand on my shoulder as he began to walk toward his room. “All I can say is give Brian a chance to explain. He’s a good guy, all things considered. He’ll stick up for you. And if you see Michael again… kick his ass for me too,” he laughed. I laugh, shaking my head. What I wouldn’t do get some revenge against Michael. I pick up the phone beside me and begin to listen to all the voice mail messages. There are like ten messages from Brian alone. Each one asking for me to call him back…telling me he just wants to talk, a chance to explain. As each message ends I delete them. I don’t want to deal with that shit right now. I’m too tired, have too much shit to do, that I’m afraid that I’ll just give in without a fight. Yeah, so I know I’m going to take him back. But it will be on my terms, and with the knowledge that he’s willing to do what needs to be done. I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to trust him again, but I do need him to prove to me that he’s willing to try. That’s what’s important. Instead of dialing Brian, I dial the other number I know by heart. I hear her pick up the phone and I feel bad about waking her up at such an hour. “Hey Daph.,” I say. “Hey, do you have any idea what time it is?” “Sorry,” I tell her. I really do feel bad about the late hour. “It’s the only time I have really. I just got home from the studio, and I have to be back in another four hours… well five, so I thought I’d just call and see how you were doing.” I hear her sitting up in bed, trying to wake up. “It’s okay,” she yawns. “I needed to get up soon anyway, I have to get to school for a seven o’clock class.” “You can function that early in the morning,” I laugh. “Since when?” “Asshole,” she mumbles. “For your information I can function quite well, thank-you very much.” She’s sounding more awake, and I’m just glad that I can talk to her. “I can’t wait until this weekend. Are you still going to be able to meet up with me outside of the convention?” “Yeah, I promised I’d take you to a play, and I will. I know I’ll need to get away from that place for a while. Just make sure you have a nice quiet place in mind for us to talk. Even if it’s just in one of our hotel rooms. The less people the better.” Daphne, thank-goodness, knows that I can’t stand large crowds. I know that if there’s anyone there that I can count on it will be her. Yeah, I know that Anthony, Alyson, David, and James will all be there, but it won’t be the same as having Daphne there. Of course she told me that she wouldn’t really be caught dead at the actual convention, it still good to know that I’ll have a safe place to stay once the day is over with. “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back. I’ll kick anyone’s ass who tries to get near you.” Both laughing, I don’t doubt that she will too. She’s like that, and I love her for it. Always looking out for me, never giving up on me. “I e-mailed you the hotel information, so you know. I got you a nice room, and everything. All you have to do is get your ass over there after class on Friday.” “Hello! I’m going to leave early on Friday morning. To hell with class.” I laugh, only Daphne would do that… no scratch that, I don’t even want to think about how many people are going to miss work or school to go to this thing. I don’t even want to know. “You’re a freak,” I tell her. “Look I just wanted you to know that it’s all set, and you should have the information waiting in your in-box. I’m going to try and get some sleep before I have to head back.” “Take it easy,” she told me. I want to say ‘yes, mother,’ but stop myself before she decides to kick my ass. “I’ll see you in two days.” “Bye, Daph.” I hang up the phone and slowly make my way toward the bed. The morning will come entirely too early. On Friday, I’ll be in New York. I look over at the clock and cringe at the time. 12:46. Today is the last day I have to work for a while. Well work on the show. For the next month and a half it will be one TV appearance, one convention, one interview after another. I don’t know how the hell I’ll get through it. ‘It’d be easier if you had Brian with you,’ that damn voice inside my head tells me. I can’t really deny that fact either. I know it would be easier, it would. The thing is, I want to see if I can do it on my own. I don’t know if I’ll have the time and energy to put into trying to fix our fucked up relationship AND do all this shit. I’m not superman. I have a lot I need to do, things I need to take care of. Fixing this mess, or at least waiting for Brian to try and help me fix this mess, will just have to wait. I can only hope that he’s willing to wait. I kinda hope he just doesn’t say fuck it and give up on us. I guess only time will tell just how much he really wants ‘us’. * * * * * * * TBC…