EXPERIENTIA DOCET Omnia Vincit Amor Love conquers all * * * * * * * This Chapter 28 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. FINALLY! Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney Featuring the entire gang mentioned Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: December 2003. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * It’s two days until Christmas, and I can’t help but feel bad for Brian. I know, I really shouldn’t get involved, but I just couldn’t sit around and watch as he moped around the loft. See, he had been trying to convince Lindsey to let him have Gus for the holidays… at least be able to spend Christmas with his son, but both Lindsey and Mel have told him no. ‘It’s too far away.’ Crap they have been spouting. I wanted to reach for the phone and bitch them out. But I didn’t. I let Brian handle it. Well for a while at least. So as I was getting ready to leave the studio where I had my last interview of the year at, I sat down on the couch in the guest room and dialed. It’s the least I can do for all that Brian has given me. “hello?” “Lindsey? I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Justin. Brian’s friend?” Okay, like she would ever be able to forget me, right? And Brian’s friend? Soooo I feel like I’m talking to his mother, or some other shit like that. “Justin. Of course I remember you. How are things there in LA?” She asked in her WASPy voice. “Is everything okay? Brian?” I try not to laugh, hearing her ‘concern’ for Brian all the sudden. Especially since she won’t even let Brian see Gus. I don’t know who it is who had decided that Gus wouldn’t be coming, but I think that it’s time for it all to come to an end. “Well, actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if you had thought about Gus coming to spend a couple of days with us.” “Justin,” she began. I could hear the tightness in her voice… like she really doesn’t want to talk about it again. Especially with the damn twink who took Brian away from all of them. “I just don’t think that now is a good time. It’s too far for him to travel, and where would he be staying? Have either of you given any thought to that? I mean Brian doesn’t even have a place there.” “Brian has a place.” I say, trying so hard not to let my anger begin to boil out of me. “Brian and I are living together, and there’s plenty of room for Gus. He’d have his own bed, and everything. And if it’s money, I’ll pay for the tickets. That would not be a problem.” “Justin. You just don’t understand. I don’t want Gus to be subjected to all of that.” Now the truth comes out for real. “Subjected to what, exactly? Brian and I? Look, Lindsey. Brian and I are a couple. We will continue to be a couple for as long as we can. We’re living together, and we plan to spend a lot of time together in the future.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I can just imagine what she is so up in arms about. “If it’s the papers and stuff, you don’t have to worry about that. You should know that Brian will do everything in his power to protect Gus, and so will I. We won’t subject him to something like that.” I hear Lindsey take a deep breath on the other side, and I know that she is thinking of some excuse. “Look, Lindsey. I know that you hate me, you all do. I took Brian away from all of you, and I destroyed any hope that you and Michael had of getting with Brian.” “That’s not…” “But you have to get over it. If not for yourselves, and for Brian… do it for Gus. Gus loves his father, and Brian loves Gus. Brian would give his life for Gus if you asked. So I think you should get over yourself, and let them spend just a couple of days together. You can come yourself and make sure that we are not fucking corrupting Gus. But get over your delusions, get over your anger and do what’s best for Gus.” I hang up the phone and just stare at it. I didn’t want to lose my temper with her. I wanted to discuss this like an adult, but that flew out the window the second she thought that Brian and I would hurt Gus. I know that they all think that this is temporary. They all think that Brian and I won’t last, and who knows. I’m not a fortune teller, I don’t know how long we will last, but I do know that even if Brian and I aren’t together, we would still be friends. I would still make Gus a part of my life. Gus is a huge part of Brian’s life, and I won’t deny him that. I can’t. I can only imagine how pissed Brian would be at my interference. I won’t say that I’m wrong, that I didn’t do the right thing, cause I believe that I did. He can be pissed all he wants. All I want is for him to be happy. * * * * * * * Who the fuck would have ever thought that I would be spending Christmas with Gus? I sure as fuck didn’t. I thought that Mel and Lindsey had completely crossed me off their list, cut me out of their lives. Well except for the money they still want me to send. So imagine my surprise when Lindsey called me and said that she was sending Gus to me for a couple of days. So she flew out one day, and dropped him off at my doorstep. She couldn’t stay – only stayed a couple of days since she had to work – but she did apologize for being unreasonable. I can only guess who was responsible for this turn around. Justin. My blond-bombshell. Neither one of them would mention anything, just let me think that it was all Lindsey’s thinking. But I know that it’s all fake. Justin was the one who had somehow talked Lindz into letting Gus come. I don’t know how he did it, but I’m grateful. So anyway, Lindsey and Gus stayed for three days before heading back to Pitts, but it was the best three days that I had ever had in a long time. I finally had a family. I had people who cared about me, who would go to bat for me. I wish Gus could have stayed longer, but Lindz did promise me that she would let him come out again during the summer. I told her that I would be there for Easter. I never thought that I would have to set up a visitation schedule to see my son. But then again, I’ve been doing a lot of things lately that I never thought I would have been doing. Just being here in LA is one of those things. I had always wanted to get the fuck out of Pittsburgh, but never had the chance. Or the reason. But here I am. I can honestly say that since meeting Justin, my life has turned around. It’s hard to imagine what my life was like without him in it. Before I met him, I was feeling down. Feeling like my life was going nowhere. But then he walked in and told me off. Fuck! We didn’t get off to a very good start did we? We’ve been together only a couple of months, and it has not been easy. Oh we’ve had our fun times, but we’ve also hit some pretty fucking big potholes, I can tell you. Times when I thought that we would never make it to this point, but we did. I have a life now. One that I’m happy with. Finally, Peter Pan has grown up… he’s smelled the fucking roses and grew up. Shit! Who ever would have thought? Not me that’s for sure. I really don’t know where we are headed, but all I know is that it will be one hell of a ride. The funny thing is… I want to go with it. I want to experience it all. The ups and the downs. I want to have the fights and the make-ups. I want it all. I think I fucking deserve it all. Yes, people, I am turning into a lesbian… fuck! All the talk about relationships, and commitment. Well I guess Justin brings it out in me. Cause I want that. He lets me be that type of person. He doesn’t laugh in my face if I do something stupid. He doesn’t blame me for shit that I didn’t do. He’s different – in a good way. I think I’ve been looking for something like this my whole life. Someone who challenges me, who completes me. If there were ever two people who were complete opposites it would be Justin and I. Where he’s strong, I’m weak. And visa versa. I don’t really believe in soul mates… in someone being the other half of you. But with Justin, I am beginning to wonder. Mikey. Well that whole mess hasn’t changed in the past week. He’s still pissed that I left. I know that he still wants me to be there for him, he still wishes for that impossible dream that we will one day be together, but I can only hope that one day he will see that it will never happen. I don’t love him that way. Mikey’s my best friend, will always be my best friend. But I will give him up – if I have to – to be with Justin. Justin is a friend – better friend to me than Mikey ever was, unfortunately. With Justin I see where Mikey and I went wrong all those years ago – for many years. Yeah, I led Mikey on… I gave him the belief that something might happen between us. I stopped him from having a life. I only hope that with me gone, he will finally see that the type of friendship we had was destroying both of us. I hope that we can come out of this stronger and healthier. But who knows. Justin listens – really listens. He tells me when he thinks what I’m doing is wrong. He won’t let me fall on my face. He tells me when I’m being irrational – or as he tells me ‘queening out’. Fuck! He doesn’t take my shit either. Of course I won’t take his either. We both have ways of fucking up, but the fun part of it all… is making each other realize that what we are doing is wrong. Shit some of the ways we convince each other to do things… fuck! Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall? Anyway, Justin helps make me a better person. He won’t ever make me choose between him and anyone else. He will let me make mistakes, and he won’t rub them in my face. He lets me be myself, and not expect things from me that I can’t deliver. I can only hope that what we have will last. I don’t know if I could go back to the way things were before. I don’t know if I want to. Justin changed me. And I don’t know if there’s ever a way to go back. Time to move forward. No matter what the outcome of us will be. I’m finally on track of where I wanted to be in my life. Look forward, never back. In the end, we’ll all be happy. * * * * * * * It’s New Years eve and Brian and I are sitting on the couch trying to decide what we want to do. Myself? Well I’m not for going to a huge party. I know I should, for appearances and all. But I guess this year… I want something simple. Something for me. For the past couple of years… hell almost all my life, I had done things for others. Been places that would look good. But I’m tired of it. For once, I’ve decided that I don’t give a damn about what anyone wants. For once, I am going to do what I want. Well what Brian wants will be taken into consideration, of course. So we decide on just staying in. Maybe making an appearance at the small celebration down on the beach. But for the most part, it will be a nice quiet night at home. Just the two of us. New Years. New Beginnings. At least for us. I made a promise to myself that I would let go of the past… let go of all the bad shit that had ever happened to me… to Brian and I. I made a promise that this year… 2004 would be our year. I would listen more, and not make assumptions. I would let Brian be a part of my life, and my heart – more so than he already is of course. But I promise to be honest with him. If he does something to piss me off, I’m going to tell him. Plain and simple. Of course I hope that he will do the same for me. I know that my life is hectic. I have a lot of shit on my plate, and I won’t have a lot of free time to put a lot of energy into our relationship, but I promise that I will try to make time. I have to, if we are ever going to make this work. I have to take time out and spend it with him. I have to give my all to this, or else all of this… everything that I wanted out of life, will be for naught. I love Brian, there is no doubt in my mind. He’s it for me. So I will do everything in my power to make this work. I have to. We were joking around the other day about him coming to work for me. I mean Blake had decided to move to Pittsburgh permanently. I guess him and Ted are going to try and give their relationship another shot. I’m happy for him, I know what Ted meant to him. Needless to say I’m out of a PR person. So I was jokingly suggesting to Brian that he come work with me. He’s good at selling things… he could sell me. Fuck, did that just come out sad and wrong? So anyway, we’re going to see. We’ll give it a shot, see if we can do it. If not then I’ll find someone else, but at least we’re going to see. I mean neither one of us wants to be away from each other for months at a time when I have to go on location. So who knows? I guess time will tell. But at least we’re talking about it all. Of course there’s always the thought that maybe by the time I have to go on location we will want the time away from each other. Who knows? I don’t know why it would be that way, but right now I realize I’m still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase, so that explains a lot. I don’t want to be far from him. I don’t want to be without him. And the funny thing is… I know he feels the same. We’re happy – really happy. Yeah, we fight. Fight like mad, but that’s just our personalities. You can’t expect two totally different personalities – two very strong personalities – to not fight when enclosed in a small area day in and day out. It’d be ridiculous. Of course the make-up sex is hot. Sex with Brian is always hot, I don’t ever see that changing. * * * * * * * We make our way out of the loft, finally, and head down to the beach. Who ever would have thought that I would be somewhere on New Years Eve that didn’t involve a lot of clothes. Pittsburgh is fucking freezing this time of year, and here I am out on the beach. Eat your fucking heart out guys! So 2003 is almost over, and I guess you could say that my ‘past’ life was almost over as well. 2004 will be a whole new start for me. I have the new job, which will go into full swing the first of the year. I have Justin. I don’t know anywhere else I would want to be. It’s frightening. And to say that I’m not scared shitless would be a lie. I am. I’m afraid that I will screw things up, that what I feel now… what I have with Justin now won’t last. Of course Justin tells me that we can’t dwell on that. We can only live our lives day by day… take what we can get. Spend whatever time we have together and hope for the best. I guess that’s my New Years resolution. I will try my fucking hardest to make this work. To make what we have together last. I’ll even talk. I’ll ask him things, share things with him. I’ll do whatever I can to make this work. I have to. And it’s not only for Justin… it’s for me. I want it to work. I want it to last. I am not ready to lose this now. Not after I worked my ass off to get here. I had never worked so hard for something before in my life, and I don’t plan on giving it up now that I have it. Fuck that shit. No way. Justin is mine and I plan on keeping it that way for years to come. Now here’s the problem though. I don’t know how. I have no idea how to make a relationship work. I don’t even know if I can say the words. I want to. I do. I want to tell him what I’m feeling, but I just don’t know if I can. But I have to. If I want to make a serious go at this, I have to be open. I have to tell him. So I guess it’s time to fully cross that line. To really make a go at this. It’s too late to back out now. So I turn to him, as the count-down begins. “Justin… there’s something I need to tell you. Something that I have…I never thought I would be able to say to anyone… so just bear with me here. Okay?” I begin. I see him looking directly into my eyes. It’s almost like I can see into his soul. I can feel what he feels, see what he sees. I see the love he has for me. The hope he has for our future. I know that this is right. I know that things will be okay. We will be okay. Cause Brian Kinney says so. And with Justin by my side, there’s nothing that will stand in our way. * * * * * * * The End….