Part 4a of For All Time By: Acacia PERSONAL NOTE: This fic has been very hard for me to write do to my own problems with finding out I was disabled, and suffering from my own form of PTSD at the young age of 20. Finally eight years later, I, myself, have come to terms enough with my ordeal to where I can talk about it. Although I am taking Justin to the extreme, the emotions are the same. This is my attempt at showing people what it is like (at least it was for me) when something happens that is out of your control. That’s what this series is for me – a release. Hope you enjoy. PERSONAL NOTE #2 (Disclaimer): I am not a doctor, nor do I really know a lot of medical terms so if I am wrong in anything that is stated here, I’m sorry. Blame it on the internet. Breathe -- Inhale Part 4a In a way I know my heart is waking up As all the walls come tumbling down Closer than I've ever felt before And I know, and you know There's no need for words right now Breathe – Faith Hill Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. Summary of Previous Parts: Part 1: Brian and Daphne discuss Justin’s problem with PTSD, and try to come up with some plan to help him. Meanwhile, Justin breaks up with Ethan, and makes plans to leave Pittsburgh. Part 2: Justin runs into his father at his mom’s house, and learns what his father thinks of him. Brian and Daphne go in search of Justin after a frantic call from Jennifer. Once Brian finds Justin he takes him back to the loft, and Justin lets everything out into the open. The two make love, but when Brian wakes in the morning, Justin is gone. Interlude #1: Reactions from the gang back in Pittsburgh when they discover that Justin is gone. Brian gets a call from Justin. Part 3: Justin arrives at his destination, and tries to start his life over. Meanwhile, back in Pittsburgh, the gang tries to become close again. Brian makes plans to make his move, but a phone call puts everything on hold. Interlude #2: Set During Part 3: Fourth of July in Atlanta with Daphne, Emmett, Brian, and Justin. Brian and Justin talk Interlude #3: Preparations are made to head down to Atlanta as tragedy strikes. ---------------------- Brian quickly parked the car at the hospital that Kate had told him, and immediately ran in through the double doors with the others not far behind. He ran up to the nurse’s station, and impatiently waited for him to be acknowledged. By the time the others caught up with him, the nurse looked up from her computer, and smiled. Brian didn’t even try to be courteous and greet her in a similar fashion. “We’re here for Justin Taylor.” The nurse looked over at Brian and then to Jennifer and Daphne, trying to get some understanding of who these people were. “Relation?” Brian felt like he wanted to reach across the desk and rip the nurse’s throat out, but Jennifer placed her hand on his arm, and stepped forward. “I’m his mother. Can you please tell us what’s going on? We just came all the way from Pittsburgh.” The nurse smiled at Jennifer briefly, glancing quickly away from the threatening look that the man in the group was giving her. Brian didn’t care if she was afraid of him. He still remembered the time when a stupid nurse wouldn’t let Mel back with Gus. If anyone tried to stop him from getting to Justin, they would have to arrest him for assault. Brian watched as the lady picked up the phone and called someone, then turned around to take a closer look around the place. Immediately he spotted a familiar face, and ran to her. “Kate?” Kate ran to Brian and immediately wrapped her arms around him. Brian held her tightly hoping to stop the sudden chill that had wrapped around him at the site of being in a hospital again. Pulling back he looked at her face, and saw that it was streaked with tears. Fear began to creep up further in Brian’s chest. ‘God, no. Please, no,’ he prayed. “Brian, thank god you’re here.” “What’s going on? What happened,” he asked as he led her toward on of the nearby chairs. As he took his own seat beside the young woman, he heard the nurse tell Jennifer that the doctor would be out to talk to them shortly. “Nate wanted to take Justin out to celebrate, and I told them that I just had to go,” she began through her tears. “They decided to take Nate’s car, but Nate had already had some to drink so Justin drove. They were coming to pick me up, when . . . when this creep came plowing down the road toward them. . . Oh god, Brian you should see the car. . .” Brian tried not to let the tears fall down his face as he gently pulled the woman toward him. He looked up to see Jenn, Molly, and Daphne standing close by wanting to hear what happened. “Shhh. It’s okay. What happened? Do you know?” Kate just nodded her head in response, as Brian began to caress the back of her neck. “Nate didn’t make it. . .” she cried. Brian felt everything stop as she said the words. If Nate hadn’t made it, what happened to Justin? Brian knew that Justin would be devastated to learn of his friend’s death, but he silently hoped that Justin would be okay. “He, Nate, had too many injuries, they said. . . I’m not sure about Justin yet. I know . . . they said something about a leg and head injury,” she informed him. The words HEAD INJURY caused Brian to halt all movement. What would it mean for Justin to have two head injuries in such a short period of time? Could he survive that? If he did what would he be like? ‘FUCK! Why? Why?’ Brian wanted to punch something, but knew that he had to first find out how serious the injury was. “I don’t know much else. I’m sorry.” Brian closed his eyes briefly and nodded. Rolling his lips into his mouth, he tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to come to the surface. He wouldn’t lose it now – not now. “Ms. Taylor,” asked a young looking man in hospital grubs as he approached the group. Jennifer looked over at the man, and held out her hand. ‘I guess all of that time in the country club takes over at the strangest of times,’ Brian thought. He was amazed at how cool Jennifer seemed to be, when he felt like his whole world had started to crash in on him. “I’m Ms. Taylor.” “My name is Doctor Jamison, I treated your son when he was brought in,” he stated as he shook her hand. “What’s wrong with my son? Is he alright?” Doctor Jamison held out his arm, wanting us to follow him. “Why don’t we go into my office and I’ll fill you in on your son’s condition.” Jennifer stood there and looked at the doctor, just nodding her head. “These are very close friends of the family,” she said as explanation to the doctor’s look as they all began to follow him to his office. Once inside Brian knew he wouldn’t be able to sit down, so he stood by the door and leaned against the wall. “Now, please tell me how my son is.” “Ms. Taylor, your son has suffered some major injuries as a result of the accident. He has some minor cuts and abrasions from glass, but those we can deal with easily. However there are two injuries that your son has sustained that are causes for alarm.” Brian began to feel his anger at the doctor rise. All he wanted was for the man to get to the point, and it seemed to Brian that it was taking forever. “First off, Justin’s right leg was literally crushed in the impact, which has caused multiple open fractures to his lower right tibia.” The doctor went over to the wall and turned on the light showing them an x-ray. Brian looked closely at the x-ray, which he could only guess was Justin’s leg, and he began to feel sick. The bones looked like they had been broken in at least three different places. “Now as you can see here, the bone is severely damaged.” ‘No, shit,’ Brian thought. ‘This guy is the master of under statement. “The other problem arises in which the bone is also no longer attached to the knee. There is tissue damage, and ligament damage to the knee itself.” Brian watched as Jennifer placed her head in her hands, trying to understand what the man was telling them. Brian was almost afraid to ask, and was grateful that he didn’t have to. “What can be done? Will he ever walk again,” Jenn asked the doctor. “We believe that we can save the leg, and won’t have to amputate. However, Justin will have to have multiple surgeries to repair the damage. We will have to reconstruct the entire lower leg. We do this by placing metal rods in the bone to try and stabilize it. We want to try and stay away from a procedure which is called External fixators. This is a frame that we attach to the outside of the leg to try and stabilize it. However, we will keep as an open option. We will also have to try and remove the damaged tissue from his knee, and repair the ligaments. This whole process will be long, and painful for Justin. But we are hopeful that he will be able to walk again. However, as I said it will be a long time before he can, and I cannot guarantee that he will ever be able to walk without assistance,” the doctor continued to explain to the group. Brian was grateful that he was trying to tell them Justin’s injuries in a way that they could understand. He knew that there would be no way that he would be able to put up with someone who tried to talk down to them, who would not tell them what was wrong. Brian didn’t want to try and translate what everything meant. He just wanted to know what was wrong. “And the other injury,” Brian asked trying to remain calm, but failing. As he stood there against the wall, he continued to clench his fists into tight balls. The more the doctor spoke of Justin’s injuries, the more Brian wanted to hurt someone. The doctor looked over at Brian, and sat back down in the chair behind his desk. “I understand that Justin sustained a serious head injury a little over a year ago, Mr.?” “Kinney, and yes Justin was bashed in the head with a baseball bat,” Brian said unpleasantly. “So I guess you could call that a serious injury.” Brian wasn’t about to be kind to the man before him. He could tell that the doctor was hiding something, and until Brian knew exactly what was wrong with Justin he wouldn’t be kind. ‘To hell with niceties.’ “During the accident, it appears as if Justin’s head collided with the steering wheel,” the doctor began. Brian saw Daphne lean forward in her chair and look shocked at what she was hearing. “But what about airbags?” “The car was an older model, one before airbags were standard in cars,” he explained. Brian once again clenched his fists hoping to avoid pounding the doctor upside the head and causing his own head injury. “Justin has a slight skull fracture on the right side of his head. From Justin’s medical records we do know that that section of the skull is not as strong as the other sections, thereby causing a slight fracture. However, we have also been able to determine that he is suffering from Extradural hemorrhaging. We have located the hemorrhage, and we have done a perforation to the area. He is in ICU under heavy supervision.” “In other words you drilled a hole in his head,” Brian hissed. He was beginning to feel ill. “In order to relieve the pressure, and the fluid build up, yes,” the doctor explained. “Is he awake,” Jennifer asked the doctor in a weak voice. Brian could tell that she was remembering the time in the hospital after the bashing as much as he was. “No. I’m sorry but Justin has slipped into a coma.” Brian closed his eyes, not wanting to hear anymore. “FUCK!” Brian leaned into the wall and allowed himself to slide down so that he could sit. Placing his head in his hands, he shut out everything around him. He didn’t want to hear anymore. He couldn’t. Justin was once again in danger, he was back where he was a little over a year ago. Brian could almost smell the blood on his hands, and see Justin’s blood flowing onto the ground. He felt his world come crashing in on him. He felt like he was dying inside, and there was nothing anyone could do. Brian hadn’t felt like this since the last time he had heard words similar to what had just been told to him. Brian felt a sudden urge to call Michael. He was drowning, and the only one beside Justin who could help him was Michael. Brian felt a hand on his shoulder, trying to bring him out of his self-imposed trance. “Brian, the doctor said that we can see him now,” Jennifer said in a soft voice. Brian could only nod in response and slowly stand. Upon standing, Brian felt his legs weaken, and he had to place his hand on the wall to steady himself. “I’ll meet you there, I need some air,” he said as he quickly made his way out of the room. He felt the walls closing in, and he was suffocating. He walked past the nurse’s station, and out the front door. Quickly finding the smoking area on the side of the building, Brian moved to sit down. He couldn’t fucking breathe, each breath felt like it was burning a hole in his chest. As he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, he felt his hand shake so much that he knew it would be almost impossible to get one out of the pack. He decided to give a try, but after numerous attempts, he threw the offensive object on the ground. “Fuck!” Brian needed Michael. He needed someone to help ground him, like Michael did after Prom. ‘But Mickey’s too far away. Who’s going to help me now?’ “Let me help you with that,” came a voice behind him. Brian didn’t even look up as the person moved to sit beside him on the curb, and reach for the pack of cigarettes. Before he knew it he saw one being placed in his hand. “Do you mind,” the person asked him. Brian just shook his head, not really caring what the person was talking about, or what he just agreed to. All he knew was that Justin was laying in a bed inside, once again fighting for his life. “You know this is a standing joke between Justin and I,” at the sound of Justin’s name, Brian’s head snapped up to see who was beside him. Sitting next to him was one of the last people he would’ve thought would be there. ‘But then again, I shouldn’t be too surprised. Justin has a way to get people around him to be very loyal. No matter who it is.’ “We always tell each other that smoking is bad for us, that we should really stop. That it’ll kill us. Then what do we do, we turn right around and both light up.” Brian smiled at the woman sitting beside him, and knew that Justin had gotten to her, no matter what anyone would say about the fact. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing here? Don’t they have some rule against shrinks spending so much time with their patients?” Marsha shrugged, taking a deep breath of smoke. “Fuck if I care. Justin maybe my patient, but I do care. When I got the call, I knew I had to be here.” Brian saw her turn to face him, and he saw trusting eyes staring at him. “And not only for Justin, but if I can help everyone else. . . That and I care. I care what happens to him. I don’t want anything to happen to him.” “I’m glad he has friends like you,” Brian said as he brought the cigarette up to his lips with a shaky hand. He silently cursed himself for allowing his hand to shake. He had to be strong, but somehow his body wasn’t cooperating. “You know about Nate,” he asked trying to get his mind off of what was waiting for him inside. He wasn’t ready to face that yet, he didn’t want to face that yet . . . not yet – maybe not ever. Marsha nodded as she looked down at the ground. “Yeah, Kelly’s a mess. As is Kate for that matter. I know that in my profession, I shouldn’t get attached to people who are my patients -- or my co-workers really. But I always knew I wasn’t like the others – I just couldn’t let someone get away from me. Like Justin, when I make friends – I make them for life. There are certain people who just have a way of finding their way right into your heart, not matter what you try to do to stop it from happening it does. Justin and Nate were like that. Both of them are very persistent, they knew what they wanted and to hell with anyone who stood in their way.” “I know what you mean,” Brian said with a small smile. “Did he tell you our story?” Marsha nodded slightly with a smile on her face. “He told me that you had tried and tried to push him away, but he just kept coming back. He knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to let anyone – especially you – stop him.” Marsha leaned back on her arms in the middle of the sidewalk and looked up at the sky. “He told me that every time you had pushed him away, every time that you had tried to get him out of your life – it would make him more determined. He would stop at nothing to get what he wanted – and what he wanted was Brian Kinney.” Brian shook his head, and leaned back as well with a small smile on his face. Marsha had a way to make him forget the pain of the situation that lay ahead, and make him realize what was important. She was reminding him of all the reasons why he needed to be here, and all the reasons why he loved Justin. “He told me early on – right after that first night – that he loved me. I told him then that I didn’t believe in love, that I only believed in fucking. Little did I know how wrong I was. He said he wanted me. Me! Hell the age difference didn’t even matter to him. Then a year later, Deb pointed out to me that I did love Justin. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, no matter how much I didn’t want to – how much I new he deserved better – I had fallen.” “And he loves you. I shouldn’t tell you this, but he told me about Ethan, and how he was so confused. He said that all he wanted and still wants is you.” Marsha sat up and placed her hand on Brian’s arm forcing him to look at her. “He loves you, and he’s going to need all of us right now. He’ll come out of this, and he’ll need you there for him.” “I know,” Brian said as he looked up at the sky. “No matter what I may think about how much better he would be if he never met me, I know that he needs me to help him get through this.” Brian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. “I talked to him not TWO HOURS before for this. Two fucking hours. He seemed fine, happy. I should’ve known that something was going to happen. I guess I should feel lucky that I had two hours. At the Prom, I had maybe twenty seconds.” Brian felt Marsha’s hand on his arm, calming him. “Let me tell you something – give you some advice. You need to let him know when you’re hurting, let him know when he’s doing something wrong. Don’t let him get away with things that he wouldn’t otherwise. He’ll test you, he’ll try and push you away – don’t let him. He thinks that you’re too good for him, and with this injury it’ll be one hundred times worse. He doesn’t want to be a bother to you anymore – at least that’s the way he sees it. Don’t let him get away with it.” Marsha was looking directly into Brian’s eyes, drilling her point into him. “He’s going to have more problems now than before. He had reached a critical point in his therapy with me before this. I’m afraid of what this will do. I believe that he will try to shut down again. He will try and go back to where he was before we started our sessions. He will shut down again, and I don’t want to allow him to do that. If we allow him to sink back into that hole, I’m afraid we’ll never be able to bring him back. Please promise that you’ll help me with this. I hate to see him go back to that. I hate to lose a bright young man like that.” Brian sat up and placed his head in his hands, thinking about what he was being told. He knew that he couldn’t let Justin fall back into the person he was a year ago. He couldn’t allow Justin to shut him out. Brian didn’t think he could go through that again. He couldn’t lose Justin again. “Hell, he’ll get so sick of me by the time he gets out of here. I promise, but I can’t do it alone,” he said the last part looking right at her. “I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with this alone. I’ll need help.” “Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of support right there with you. And remember Brian. If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here. I can’t tell you what Justin has said. . . okay so I already broke that rule tonight – but I won’t again,” she said waving her finger in his face. “But I will be there for you if you need to talk.” Brian nodded his thanks, then began to stand. He glanced toward the door, and closed his eyes. “I should head in there.” “Take your time. No one will fault you for taking your time, Brian. No one,” she said as she stood and began to walk back into the hospital leaving Brian alone to gather the strength he needed. ‘Thank-you,’ he thought. ‘Thank-you for keeping me afloat.’ ***************** Brian walked into the ICU, and immediately spotted Jennifer standing outside a room on his left. He walked up to her, and placed his hand on her shoulder. “You okay,” he asked in a quiet voice. Jennifer just nodded, and gave him a small smile. “It’s not as bad as it looks,” she said to him. “Daphne’s in there now, but you should go in. I think that it would help him to know that you’re here.” Brian moved to sit down in a chair next to a sleeping Molly. “Do you want me to call the hotel and see if we can get in earlier? Molly looks exhausted.” Jennifer walked over to stand by her sleeping daughter, and ran her hand through the young girl’s hair. “I tried to get her to lay down in a room the nurse told me about, but she told me that she needed to be here for Justin. She’s just as stubborn as Justin.” Brian smiled and leaned his head back to rest against the wall. “I wonder where they get it from,” he said as he looked directly at her. Jenn smiled for the first time that night, and shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I am not stubborn.” “Yeah right.” Brian looked up as he saw Daphne come out of the room, and immediately noticed that she was about to fall over. He walked up to her and pulled her into his arms. “Shhh,” he said as he allowed her to cry on his shoulder. ‘Fuck, I knew I should’ve changed after work. Tears on Armani just doesn’t work,’ he thought with a sigh. He knew that he had to think of things that were insignificant as that so that his mind didn’t wander to the last time he was in the hospital waiting on Justin to wake up. He had to keep his mind on helping Justin, and not on his own pain. If he thought about that, if he thought about how much it hurt and unfair it was, he wouldn’t be any help to anyone. He would fail once again. ‘And I’ve failed Justin enough. Marsha’s right, he’ll try to push us all away. I can’t let that happen. I have to be strong for him, cause he can’t do it himself.’ “He’s strong. He’ll be fine.” Daphne pulled away and wiped her face, then moved to wipe the tears from his jacket. “I hope I didn’t ruin your jacket, cause I sure as hell can’t buy you a new one,” she joked through a sad smile. “Don’t worry I’ll take it out of your paycheck,” he lightly joked back. “What for the next one hundred years,” she answered back. Brian only shrugged as he watched her move to sit down in the chair that he had just vacated. “Why is this happening? Hasn’t he been through enough? Why?” Brian kneeled down in front of her and took her hands into his own. “Fuck if I know. But he’s strong, he’ll get through this. He has to. I won’t lose him now,” he said trying to reign in his emotions. He couldn’t lose it now. He wanted to be strong when he walked into that room. “We’ll be there for him. Hell, if I could lock him up in a fucking room, and never let him out, I would. But I know I can’t. We’ll make sure he makes it out of this, I promise.” Daphne gave his hands a squeeze, and smiled at him. “I know we will. You’re right, he’ll get out of this, and be as annoying as ever. It’s just so unfair.” “Life isn’t meant to be fair. We always are tested, and I guess someone felt that we weren’t done yet with our little test. Granted when I find out who that is, I kick them square in the ass,” he joked as he placed his head on their joined hands. He needed to gather his strength in order to get up and move his feet toward that door. Brian felt arms wrap around him from behind, and he began to feel himself slip. “Don’t try to be strong for us, Brian. Allow yourself to feel the pain, to be sad, to cry. We will all need to count on each other and each other’s strength when he wakes up. Now . . . now is the time to let it all out, so that we can be strong for Justin. Don’t hold it in. Please. We need you to be there,” he heard Jennifer’s gentle voice quietly behind him. Brian began to feel the tears surfacing from behind his eyes, and didn’t stop them from falling. “Go in there. Be with him. Let him know that you’re there – that you love him. Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, do what you need to do to let go. Don’t hold back for us, or for Justin. You’re allowed to hurt; you’re allowed to be sad. No one will think badly upon you. It shows that you care, that you love him. Let us help each other. Please.” Brian could only nod in thanks as he attempted to take deep breaths, hoping to get some air in his lungs. “Go. Justin needs you – more than he needs any of us.” Brian felt Jennifer reach around to pull his face to look at her. “He needs YOU. Love my son, take care of him, let him know that you’re there.” Brian couldn’t talk through the lump he felt choking him, so he grabbed a hold of her and wrapped his arms around her in thanks. She had given him the best gift that he had ever received in his life, the best thing that anyone had ever granted him – permission to be with her son, to love him. Brian let go of her, and stood. Taking a deep breath, he forced his feet to move toward the door leading into the room that held his love. ************** Brian opened the door and looked around the small room. He could hear the sounds of the heart monitor, and the breathing machine, as he made his way toward the sheet that had been placed around Justin’s bed. Briefly he wondered if Daphne had pulled the sheet around the bed in order to give him time to regroup, and he found himself grateful for the consideration. He knew that if he had walked in and saw Justin immediately, he would’ve lost his nerve. Brian took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then reached for the sheet, and stepped into the enclosed space. When he opened his eyes, he immediately felt weak – sick. He had to sit down before he fell down. Brian found a chair near the bed, and fell into it, placing his head in his hands. He couldn’t breathe. Even with his eyes closed and covered, he couldn’t get the sight of Justin out of his head. Once he felt a little more in control, he opened his eyes, and reached out with his hand to touch Justin’s own. Justin was laying in the middle of a bright white bed, looking peaceful, and very pale. Justin was surrounded by machines, and IV bags -- everyone connected to various portions of his body. Brian noticed the large bandage around Justin’s head, with spots of blood soaking though the white material. Justin’s leg was heavily bandaged as well, and appeared to be ten times the size that it originally was. Justin’s beautiful blue eyes were closed and surrounded by blackness, which showed the seriousness of his injury. A tube was inserted into his mouth, and Brian believed down his throat, helping him to breathe. Brian placed his head on the mattress beside their joined hands, and allowed the tears to fall. He hated to see Justin so frail, so lifeless. Justin had always been the strong one; he had always been the brave one. And now, Brian tried to picture that man in his mind so that he could wipe out the scene before him – the scene of a weak, and battered man. Brian looked up into Justin’s pale face, and reached out a hand to gently carress a section of untouched, unscathed skin on his cheek. Gently, he stood, lightly placing a kiss on the area he had just touched, and then placed his forehead against Justin. “Justin,” he whispered against the younger man’s skin. “Justin, baby, you have to listen to me, okay. You have to come out of this. You have to come back to us, to me. . . I don’t,” Brian began as he felt the tears flow from his eyes, and his heart break. “Baby, I need you. I know that things haven’t always been easy for us, I know that I’ve been an ass. . . but please. . . you have to come out of this . . .I need you to come out of this.” Brian sat back down in the chair and reached for Justin’s hand once again. Holding it in his own larger hand, Brian held it to his mouth. He placed a kiss on the back of Justin’s hand, then moved to kiss the inside of his wrist. “Please, Justin. I know that things have been hard for you, and I haven’t always been there for you when you needed me – the way you needed me. But I want to fix that. I want the chance to prove to you that we can be together, that we were meant to be together. But I can’t do that until you wake up, baby. You have to wake up so I can tell you how much I love you, and I do. I know I never told you that before, but I do. With all my heart.” “I’ve had a lot of time to think about things these past couple of months, Justin. Things that I never would’ve thought I could even stand to think about,” he continued. Brian reached up and carefully ran his free hand through a spot of hair that was sticking out of the bandage on Justin’s head. “I never believed in fate, never wanted to . . . but I wonder about that now. I wonder why I had left the club when I did, why I had looked over when I did. All I know was when I was ready to get into the jeep that night, something inside of me screamed at me to turn around. There was a pull, a . . . I don’t know . . . but something told me to turn around. You were pulling me toward you. And when I saw you. . . you looked like an angel with the light dancing off of you, and the mist rising around you. I have never before seen anything like that. At that moment I was lost. I didn’t realize it then, but that’s when I fell in love with you, and I knew I had to have you.” “I have never believed in love at first sight, or love for that matter, but you proved me wrong. You proved to me that I could be loved, and that I could love. I know that I never really showed you, never told you what you meant to me, but these past couple of months without you, I’ve felt so lost. Like I wasn’t complete without you there. I’d wake up and reach out for you, I’d shower and want you there with me. Everywhere I went, I thought of you. I need you, Justin,” he said through the tears that were freely falling down his face. He hoped that Justin could hear him, he hoped that Justin knew that he was there, and loved him. Brian had heard that people in a coma could hear people around them, he hoped that it was true. He hoped that Justin could hear him now, and that Justin understood what he was saying. “And I love you. If I could turn back the clock, and change the way things were between us those past couple of months, I would. I hope you know that. But I was scared . . . scared of what I felt for you. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be in a relationship. Never would I have thought that I could love someone like I do you. You taught me the meaning of the phrase soul mate. ‘Cause you are mine, Justin.” Brian closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. ‘Please hear me, Justin,’ he begged. ‘Please.’ “Justin. . . you need to wake up, baby. You need to wake up and tell me you hear me, that you forgive me. Tell me that it isn’t my fault. I know we both messed up in the relationship. I wouldn’t listen, and you wouldn’t talk, but we can work that out. I know that sex isn’t always the answer, but you need to talk to me. I needed you to be the one to tell me when I fucked up. But we can fix that. I want to . . . no need to fix that. I need you. Wake up, so that I can tell you how I feel, so that we can make it right between us. Please . . . please. You can’t leave me now, not when I’ve finally realized what you meant to me. I want a second chance. I want the chance to prove to you I can be the man you want, the man you deserve. But I can’t do that unless you wake up. I’ve almost lost you before, and I can’t do that again. I need you to show me that you’re okay – that I’m not too late. Wake up, baby, please.” Brian couldn’t continue. He felt drained, empty. Brian sat back down in the chair, and placed his head on the edge of the bed still holding Justin’s hand in his own, as the tears continued to fall. ‘Let him know that you’re there – that you love him. Let yourself mourn, let yourself cry, do what you need to do to let go. Don’t hold back for us, or for Justin,’ Jennifer’s words came back to his mind as he allowed the pain to emerge. He began to let it all out; all of the pain, all of the sadness, and feelings of unfairness and anger came pouring out. He was releasing it so that he could be there for Justin when he woke up, and Brian knew that he would. Justin had to; he just had to come back to him. He would come back to Brian, and they would make it work. ‘Love my son, take care of him, let him know that you’re there.’ Brian once again brought Justin’s hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist. “I love you, Justin. Come back to me.” ******************* Brian was awoken by a hand on his back, quickly he looked up at Justin wondering if the man was awake. “Brian,” he heard Jennifer behind him, letting him know in his heart, that nothing had changed. Justin was still unconscious, and Brian hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep. Brian sat up in the chair and ran his hands through his hair. ‘Fuck, I’m tired,’ he realized. “I got all of us checked into the hotel,” Jenn explained, and Brian only nodded in response. “Why don’t you go and change, shower, eat, whatever. I’ll stay with him for a little while.” Brian felt a sudden sense of dread deep inside him. He didn’t want to leave, he couldn’t leave. If he left, and something were to happen to Justin while he was gone . . . he would never forgive himself. As if Jennifer could feel his turmoil, Brian felt her hand gently rub his shoulder. “You won’t be any good to Justin if you’re not taking care of yourself,” she began. “Plus, I’m sure that that suit is not very comfortable to sleep in. Go, I’ll watch over him. If anything happens I’ll call.” Brian nodded, then leaned over to kiss Justin lightly on the corner of his mouth. “I’ll be back. I love you,” he whispered to the young man. Taking the keycard and car keys that Jenn held out for him, he glanced one last time toward Justin and left the room. When Brian reached the hotel, he immediately went to his room, stripped off his jacket, and fell onto the bed. He reached up to loosen his tie, and closed his eyes. The past couple of hours weighed heavily on his soul, and all Brain wanted to do was forget. He wished that Justin was there with him at that moment so that he could lose himself in the other man. He wanted to forget that Justin was injured, that Justin was unconscious. He wanted to go back to a time when everything was good, when they were together, when there were no barriers. He looked at his watch; suddenly realizing what day was coming up, and cursed. It was coming up on Gus’ Birthday, his and Justin’s anniversary. He thought back to their last anniversary, and what had lead them to that moment. Justin had remembered the bashing at Gus’ party, and Brian had taken the young man home. He never did find out who had gotten his kid that damn bat, but it didn’t matter, cause Justin was hurting. They had made love that night for the first time. Brian had never felt closer to anyone than he had at that moment. Still laying flat on the bed, Brian reached over to his jacket and pulled out his cellphone. He had promised Lindsey that he would call when he had news, so he figured that he would follow through with that plan. He waited for the phone to pick up, not sure if he wanted the answering machine or Lindsey to pick up. “Hello,” Brian heard Lindsey’s voice say. “Lindz, it’s Bri,” he said placing his arm over his eyes ensuring that the phone was still tucked in tightly to his ear. “Bri, what’s going on? How’s Justin,” she asked. Brian took a deep breath, not sure how much he really wanted to tell them. Yes, they were his friends, but he wasn’t sure he could deal with all of them coming down here right now. And he knew they would. “It’s not good, Lindz.” “Talk to me, Bri.” “Justin’s in a coma right now. He has a head injury and his right shin is fractured. Right now all we can do is wait,” he automatically informed her. Brian figured if he could stay closed off, and tell them just the bear essentials without going into the emotions of the whole thing, he might actually survive. “Do we know anything, anything at all,” Brian heard her shaky voice. ‘Don’t lose it, Lindz. Please don’t lose it. I don’t think I can make it if you do,’ he thought. He knew if she lost it, then he wouldn’t be able to continue. “We don’t know much right now, we’ll just have to wait until he wakes up. When that will be we don’t know.” “Bri? Do you want us to come down there? Do you need us there for you,” she asked him. ‘Yes,’ he wanted to yell, but then shook his head. “I don’t see the point right now. There’s not much we can do, and I know Justin wouldn’t want all of you to put your lives on hold because of him. Especially since he’s not even awake to enjoy it. Besides Gus’ Birthday is coming up, and I know you have that big, fucking party planned. Don’t put it aside because of this.” “Brian, you know we all love Justin, and we would want to be there for him – for you, and Jennifer, and Molly,” she stated. Brian sighed deeply, knowing that he just might lose this battle. Lindsey had always been able to get him to do things that he didn’t want to do. How in the hell she was able to do that, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to let her this time. He couldn’t. “I know you do, Lindz. But think about Justin for a moment. Think of what he would want. He wouldn’t want to ruin Gus’ party, or interrupt your lives. You know that, Lindz. Just please don’t do anything stupid.” “I don’t know, Brian,” he heard her said. Then he heard the background noise coming over the line. ‘Fuck, just what I don’t need right now. The whole fucking gang there waiting to ambush me.’ He knew before Lindsey even told him that the others wanted to talk to him. “Brian, Deb wants to talk to you.” “Lindz,” he began, but knew she didn’t hear him as the phone changed hands. “Brian, is Sunshine going to be alright,” he heard Deb ask. ‘How the fuck am I supposed to know,’ he wanted to yell. “Justin will be fine, don’t worry about it. There’s nothing that anyone can do right now, so don’t worry about it.” “Don’t worry about it! What the hell are you saying?” Brian cringed slightly at Deb’s outburst, as he quickly pulled the offensive item away from his ear. “Don’t worry about it. Sunshine is hurt, and I want to know what is going on.” “Deb, listen, as I told Lindsey, don’t worry about it. There’s nothing that anyone can do right now, but wait.” “Well I’m coming down there. I’ll get on the first fucking plane down there. Sunshine will need us down there, and so will you and Jennifer,” he heard her say. ‘Fuck!’ “Deb, right now is not the best time. Justin wouldn’t want you all to put your lives on hold, as I told Lindsey. Jenn, Daphne, Molly, and I are doing okay. There’s nothing that anyone can do. Hell we don’t even know when he’ll wake up,” he tried to explain. “That doesn’t matter. We care, dammit. We should be able to be there,” She said. Brian knew that they all meant well, and that they cared what happened, but he also knew that since they had no idea when Justin would wake up, it would be a wasted trip. He knew that they wouldn’t leave it alone, so he figured that he’d give them an alternative. He needed them away right now so that he could concentrate on Justin, and Justin only. “Listen, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll give regular updates, and when he comes out of his coma, I’ll call you guys and let you know. Then we can try and get you all down here.” Brian could tell that Deb was thinking it over, and he silently prayed that she would accept. “Alright. I don’t have to like it, but alright. You better let us know the minute he wakes up, you understand me.” Brian could almost see Deb standing there with her hand on her hip waving a finger in his face. “Yes, Deb. I said I would and I will. Fuck! I’m not that fucking insensitive.” He hated that they still thought the worst of him. He hated it especially since THEY were the ones who had ignored Justin when he needed them the most. He didn’t want to argue with them over anything right now. “Look, I have to let you guys go, so that I can get back to the hospital. I’ll keep in touch,” he finished as he hung up. He didn’t want to hear anymore from anyone up there. Brian threw his cell on the bed beside him, and closed his eyes. He could feel anger growing in him at the entire situation – both with everyone back in Pittsburgh, and with Justin’s condition. He knew that he had to try and let it go, he wouldn’t let Justin feel the tension that he was feeling. Brian rolled out of the bed, and began to strip his clothes. By the door he spotted his suitcase, and began to pull out everything he needed, then headed for the shower. As he turned on the water, he thought of Justin, and their time together. He missed holding the younger man in his arms, feeling their bodies pressed together as the water cascaded around them. Brian began to run the soap over his body, imagining Justin’s smooth hands caressing up and down his body. Closing his eyes, Brian brought forth the image of Justin before him. He could see the desire in the blue eyes -- the need -- as he felt his own need begin to grow. Brian reached down and began to run his hand over his cock, lightly teasing the tip, the same way Justin had on many occasions. Wrapping his hand fully over his hard cock, Brian began to stroke himself imagining Justin’s hand was working it’s magic – seeing in his mind’s eye Justin’s mouth licking his balls and moving up and down his cock. His need for Justin was overwhelming as he continued to stroke himself, gripping harder with each stroke. It didn’t take long before Brian felt his body begin to tighten with the oncoming release, and he didn’t fight it – allowing the sweet release that only Justin could allow him. Brian leaned his head against the shower wall, as he tried to catch his breath. “Justin,” he sighed, wishing once again that the man was there. Brian fell to his knees, and cried. As his tears mixed with the water from the shower head, Brian wished that he could make the pain stop. He wished that he could make it wash away like the water down the drain. ******************* It had been four days since Brian and the others had arrived in Atlanta, and still Justin had not awaken. Brian hardly ever left the young man’s side, and when he did it was only to shower and change. Kate had told them that it would be better if they stayed at Justin’s place, and they had checked out of the hotel, and moved to Justin’s new home. Brian had been impressed with Justin’s choice. The house was a two-story town home in a quiet neighborhood. It had a two-car garage, and basement – which could convert into a small apartment. Justin had very little furniture, but Brian knew that Justin had plans to get more in the coming weeks. Upstairs, Justin had set up a small studio for him to work in, with his drawings, and paintings lining the walls. The kitchen was large with a duel oven, and center island. Just the way that Justin would like it. Brian could see Justin’s presence in every inch of the home, and even noticed that Justin had added his own little addition to the bedroom. Seeing the neon lights that lined the back wall behind Justin’s bed, brought a smile to Brian’s face. He knew that Justin had slept better with the lights on, and Brian knew that every time Justin had those lights on, Brian was in his thoughts. Brian stood in the bedroom, and looked in the mirror. Today was Nate’s funeral, and Brian felt he had to be there for Justin. He knew that Justin would’ve wanted to be there, so Brian decided that since Justin couldn’t he would for him. Brian had met Nate once before, and talked to him many times on the phone. Justin and Nate had become good friends, and Brian had been grateful that Justin had found someone that he could share things with. But now those days were over with. The same accident that had claimed Nate’s life had also left Justin in a coma. Brain turned when he heard a knock on the opened bedroom door. “Yeah,” he said not bothering to turn around. He spotted Kate and Kelly walk into the room from their reflection in the mirror. “We’ll we’re ready whenever you are,” Kelly said with a sad smile on her face. Brian walked over to her and gave her a hug. Kelly had lost her brother, but she had still been there ever minute praying for Justin’s quick recovery. She would come by the hospital with a cup of coffee for him and Daphne, tea for Jennifer, and milk for Molly. Brian realized that in the short amount of time that Justin had been in Atlanta, he had made friends that would last a lifetime, no matter what happened. Friends like Mickey was to him. No matter how angry you got at the person, when you needed them the most, they were there for you. Brian placed his arms around both woman’s shoulders and walked them out of the house. He would be there in Justin’s place. He would let everyone know that if Justin could be there he would. He would do this for Justin, cause he knew that Justin would do it for him. Once they reached the church, Brian felt Kelly reach over and kiss him lightly on the cheek. “Thank-you, Brian. For everything. . . for being here . . .for being a friend. It means a lot to me,” she said then got out of the car and headed inside. Brian just sat there and watched the two women as they walked away, and thought about how differently he was viewed here. There was no one here who only knew him as the cold and uncaring Brian. Everyone here had only seen him as he knew Justin saw him. He didn’t have to hide here. He didn’t have to pretend here. He didn’t have to be the strong one here. It wasn’t that he felt trapped by his friends back in Pittsburgh, it was just that for so many years he had acted a certain way. They had gotten so used to that person, and almost refused to see him as he was now. Justin HAD changed him, in more ways then one. He knew that their refusal to see, their interference had been part of the problem between him and Justin. Maybe here, away from their past they could have a chance to start over. He hoped so. ‘Now all you have to do is wake up, Justin. You have to wake up.’ Brian got out of the car and headed inside to say good-bye to someone he had only met briefly, but had made a big impression on him. He would say good-bye for Justin, and himself. ******************* Brian walks out of the hospital the next day and moves toward the rental car with keys in hand. He didn’t think he could handle it anymore. He didn’t think that he could stand there and watch as Justin fought for his life and not knowing if he was going to live or die. Upon reaching the car he opened the door and sat in the driver’s seat – putting the key in the ignition. He didn’t turn the car on, only placed his head against the steering wheel, and tried some of the breathing techniques that the doctor had taught him to use with Justin the last time he was getting out of the hospital. ‘I’m not strong enough to deal with this. I can’t fucking do this, not again,’ he thought as he continued to try and breathe. It was getting so hard to sit in that room. Every time he walked in that room, and looked at Justin laying there he felt as if the walls were closing in around them. He was losing Justin, he just knew it, and he wanted to stop it, he wanted to wrap Justin in his arms and never let him go. There was a light tapping on the passenger window causing Brian to glance in that direction. Spotting Marsha standing there with a cup of coffee in her hands he just turned his head back to the look at the floor beneath him. Reaching out to the lock he let her in, without saying a word. “Thought you could use this,” she said placing a cup of steaming Starbucks coffee down beside him. “Let’s go some place where we can talk,” she suggested, and Brian just started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. “Just follow my directions and we should be there in no time,” she said with a slight smile. Brian didn’t look at her or even really acknowledge her, just followed her directions heading toward parts unknown. They had been driving for a little more than an hour or so, when they had finally reached their destination. “It’s a secluded little spot that I take Justin to every now and then when he just wants to let loose. It’s a good place to yell, scream, dam the gods, whatever. I thought you could use a little break from the big, bad city.” Brian stepped out of the car, and finally realized that he was no longer at the hospital. He hadn’t even realized that he had shut down and was going on nothing until he felt the cool breeze and clean air hit his lungs. “What is this place,” he asked as he took a look around. It was dark, and there were no lights anywhere. Trees lined in rows as far as the eyes could see, is what greeted Brian, and he felt a sudden sense of peace. He could almost see Justin sitting on a rock nearby, sketchbook in hand, capturing the beauty around him. “This is what I call my office,” Marsha said, sitting on the hood of the car. “As I said I’m not really the traditional shrink,” she said with a laugh. “I found this spot after my parents kicked me out. Okay, beat the shit out of me, then kicked me out after finding out I was gay. I got in my car, and just started driving. Something in me told me to stop here. I don’t know what it was, but when I walked around I felt peace – I felt connected to something bigger than myself. I came here, and just started yelling – yelling at the top of my lungs, telling the gods that they weren’t going to ruin my life. I asked why. . .why me. Why is this shit happening to me? I kept going on that I wasn’t going to let them bring me down. I wasn’t going to let THEM take what I am away from me.” Brian turned toward her, trying to look deep in her soul – asking her, wanting answers. “When I walked away, I knew. I knew what I was, who I wanted to be. I felt at peace for the first time in a long, long time. I found the will to fight here. This place gave me the strength to continue. To live.” Brian could only nod, knowing what she meant. She had told him that she was going to help him, that she wanted him to be strong for Justin. She had told him that she would be there for him, that he had people who would support him. For the first time since this had happened, he felt like it was true. Normally it was Mickey who had been able to pull him out of his despair, but here was a person who had meet him on two other occasions helping him out. They didn’t owe each other anything. They had no history, no common bond – except Justin. Before – back in Pittsburgh – it had been Justin who had been dragged into his world. Now it was Brian being drawn into Justin’s world. It felt strange, but strangely liberating. He was finally beginning to feel like he could be himself. Like no one here was going to judge him for his past mistakes, his past remarks. “Go ahead. Let it all out. No one here will judge you for what you’re thinking what you’re feeling. Trust me there is nothing you can’t say that these trees haven’t heard. Hell, between Justin and myself, do you honestly think that there’s anything you can add that they haven’t heard already. Just let it all out, so that you can go back to that hospital and wait it out. So that you can go back there strong enough to deal with this. If you hold it all in, you will only destroy yourself. Trust me I know, I’ve seen it happen more times than I care to count. Don’t let this destroy you. Let it make you stronger, let it make your relationship with Justin stronger.” Brian watched as Marsha got off of the hood of the car, and turned around to head down a small bend between the trees giving him time to be alone. Brian looked up at the sky, and closed his eyes. ‘Let it all out? If I do that, I may never be able to return. I’ll fucking drown,’ he thought. Then he glanced around and saw Marsha sitting on a rock well within sight to offer help if he needed it, but allowing him the space he needed. Brian sat down on the grass, and began to pick at the fallen leaves beneath him. Everything that he had been feeling since he had gotten that dreadful phone call days ago, began to surface of their own free will. He began to feel consumed by the unfairness of the whole thing, and suddenly began to let it out. “Hasn’t he been through enough? Hasn’t he fucking proven himself to you over and over again? Why? Just fucking tell me why!” With each sentence that passed his lips his felt his anger rise, forcing his voice louder until it began to echo throughout the small valley of trees. “What the fuck has he done to deserve this shit? Huh? Tell me. Is it because of me? Are you trying to get to me through him? Don’t fucking punish him because of me. Don’t you fucking dare!” Brian stood and looked at the sky above him. “Justin is a beautiful, kind, caring, loving, young man. If you want to fucking punish someone take me. Leave him alone. Let him have some fucking peace! Fuck. He hasn’t done a dam thing in his life except love me. Is that so fucking wrong in your eyes. Well FUCK YOU!” Brian picked up a sharp rock from the ground and threw it up towards the sky. “First you fucking send in Craig, then Hobbs, and now this. What else do we have to get through to prove to you? What other fucking test do you want to throw at us? Did you want me to realize that I love him, that I can’t live without him? Is that what the fuck you want. Well guess what I DO! I LOVE HIM! HAPPY NOW! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!” Brian felt his legs begin to weaken, as he fell to the ground. “I love him. . . Oh god,” he began as he felt his anger begin to fade to reveal the pain hidden deep within his heart. Brian felt arms wrap around him, holding him tightly in an embrace. “I can’t fucking lose him. I can’t live without him. I love him,” he cried. “And he loves you, too. You’ll get through this Brian. Both of you. And you’ll both be stronger for it,” Marsha said to him still holding him tightly as he let the pain go for the first time since he got word about Justin’s accident. “Why,” he asked through the tears. “Hell if I know, but I do know that you’ll get through this. . . together. I have faith in you, and in Justin. You’ll make it through this. If you believe in anything, Brian, believe in that. Believe in your love for Justin. Never give up on that. Never. That’s what will get you through this, and through the years ahead.” Brian held tightly to Marsha as he let his pain go. When he finally felt it ease, he wasn’t sure how long they had been there, but he knew that she had been right about one thing. He felt more at peace than he had in a long time. He finally felt that he might be able to do this . . . he just might be able to be there for Justin, and help him through this. He also knew that if he ever felt lost again, he knew where he could come to get himself straight. He knew where he could come to realize what was important. Brian pulled back form the embrace and smiled his thanks slightly at Marsha. “Shall we head back. I need to be there for Justin.” “That’s my boy,” she said as she stood and began to move to the car. “You know what,” she asked as they reached the car. “Grass stains are a bitch to get out of jeans.” Brian laughed at the stupidity of her comment. Here he was yelling at the world for the unfairness of what happened to Justin and she was bitching about her fucking clothes. “I’ll fucking buy you a new pair, okay. Dam!” “Don’t worry, I’ll just add the cost to your bill,” she said as she got in the car. “Well let’s go. Justin’s waiting.” Brian shook his head, and got into the car. “Bitch,” he whispered as he started the car, heading back to the hospital and Justin. ******************* It had been two weeks since they had heard about Justin’s accident. Two weeks of waiting for Justin to come out of his coma. Jennifer had told Brian that she had to get back to work, and had left a week ago. Molly couldn’t miss any more school, and they all knew that Justin wouldn’t allow it. Not because of him. Brian had told her that he would call the first sign that Justin was coming out of the coma, and make sure that she got down here as soon as possible. Daphne was the next to leave. Her classes were starting again, and Brian had to force her out of Atlanta. She kept telling him that she could stay, that she wanted to stay. . .to hell with school. But Brian would hear none of it. So he had forced her on a plane back to Pittsburgh. His stuff from there had been arriving daily to Justin’s home, and things were slowing coming to a conclusion. Slowly his life was moving away from the past, and heading toward his future. His future here -- in Atlanta -- with Justin. He had been working out of the offices here, in order to get the final preparations taken care of for his ‘official’ move down here. Vance was actually thrilled at the chance to have Brian there to completely oversee the final details of the buyout, so he didn’t give Brian any grief over leaving two weeks a head of time. Brian had spent most of his time either at work, Justin’s town home, or at the hospital. He had decided that no matter how much Justin argued with him, he was moving in with the younger man – in fact he had already had all of this things sent to the town home. Justin would need supervision when he got out, he would need to be watched and monitored. So Brian figured it would be easier if he just moved in now. Hopefully that way, Justin couldn’t say that he was interfering in him life, that he was forcing Brian to give up everything for him. Brian wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and took matters into his own hands. He would be there as a friend, as someone Justin could trust. ‘And hopefully get him to allow me to be there for him as a partner, as a boyfriend.’ Brian knew that it would take time for Justin to feel that he was ‘worthy’ enough to give their relationship another try, but Brian was determined to prove to Justin that it was worth it. That he was worth it. He wasn’t going to let this go. Brian was now a man on a mission, and no one, not even Justin was going to stop him. He was going to get Justin back, and he was willing to do whatever it took to accomplish that task. “Now all you have to do is wake up, Sunshine,” he said. Brian sat back in the chair, holding Justin’s hand tightly in his own. As he felt himself begin to doze off he felt something. Immediately, Brian sat forward in the chair and stared at the bed – at Justin. “Justin,” he asked. “Justin can you hear me?” When no reply came, Brian began to wonder if he was just imagining things. As he began to relax, he felt it again. This time there was no doubt in his mind. Justin’s hand had moved. Justin was waking up. Justin was coming back to them. ******************* (end of part A)