Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews. HUGE THANKS to Sheila for the beta job and her ideas :) _______________________________ Faintest Spark, IV Sunday night, Debbie has them all invited for dinner. Justin is nervous because he knows little to nothing about everyone once again, just like in the beginning of it all. He comes over to Debbie's early because she asks him to. The first surprise which awaits him is waiting for him at the door. It's an elderly man with a friendly face who smiles happily at Justin. When he sees confusion spread on Justin's face, he introduces himself. “Hello Justin, it's good to see you walking around again. I'm – this is awkward – I'm Carl. Carl Horvath. I live with Debbie, for a couple of years now, actually.” Justin remembers that Brian mentioned him, so he smiles back. “Good to meet you again.” They laugh because the situation really seems to be more than a little awkward. As it turns out, Debbie had a purpose in asking Justin to show up early. “I thought you might want a quick update on everyone's lives. You must feel terribly out of place, Sunshine.” “I do!” Justin says. “Everyone has been very uptight about what happened. No matter what I ask – it's always 'But you don't need to know about it now'.” Debbie tells him about Melanie and Lindsay in Toronto, not that he didn't notice their absence. Then she moves on to Ted and Emmett and just briefly lets Justin know about failed attempts at relationships and drug addictions. “And you need to learn about Michael. He has grown up,” Debbie says with pride. “He's with someone now who is called Ben. Michael and he are legally married in Canada. Ben is a professor at Carnegie. And he's HIV positive.” Justin nods. “What happened to David?” “I guess David wasn't what Michael was looking for just then. However, Ben and Michael have a son of sorts.” Justin almost chokes on his water. “Don't worry a foster son, Hunter. He goes to Penn State now. He tried hitting on Brian when Hunter was still working the streets.” Justin's eyes grow wide. “He was a hustler?” “I guess that's Michael's and Ben's story to tell. I just wanted to give you a heads up, so you wouldn't wonder about all the new faces.” By the time they all have dessert Justin wonders why he was nervous. It's so easy to be with everyone and none of them prod him with strange questions. Justin contemplates whether he ever had close friends in New York. Friends? Family? He doubts it, doubts that he could ever give his heart away to another group of people. He's been released from the hospital for a few days now, but some of his medicine still knocks him out. Brian notices Justin's tiredness and how he can hardly keep his eyes open and offers to take him home. Justin is glad to get away. Of course, he loves all of them but sometimes, they are just too much. Outside his apartment building, Justin turns to look at Brian. “Can we go to your place?” Brian quirks an eyebrow in question, “Why?” “I don't want to be alone just yet,” Justin explains honestly. Brian offers to come upstairs with him but Justin refuses. “I'd like to go to the loft because it might help, you know?” They know that nothing seems to light the faintest spark of Justin's memory but Brian can't think of any reason why Justin shouldn't come along, come home. In reality, there are a million and one reasons but Brian lets himself be happily oblivious to them just once. Fifteen minutes later, Brian slides the heavy steel door open and lets Justin into their 'once-upon-a-time-shared-home'. Except for a change of furniture in the living room, everything seems to be the same around there. It feels familiar to Justin, comfortable even, and he takes a deep breath. He goes to explore everything, knowing Brian is not going to hold him back. Brian merely watches from where he is pouring himself a drink at the liqueur cart. Justin ends his tour at Brian's desk. He picks up the photograph of a young boy who looks a lot like his father. “Do you see him often?” “Every couple of weeks I pay Toronto a visit, yes.” Brian nods. Justin puts the frame back in place. “Can I come with you one of those times? I really want to see Gus.” Brian puts down his glass and shakes his head. “Let Kevin take you. The munchers will be more than happy to welcome you in their humble home.” “Fuck, Brian. Can you stop being so bitter about him? It's hard enough to deal with him but you giving me shit because of him doesn't exactly help.” There, he said it. Kevin is a problem and he doesn't know how to handle it. Brian bites back a reply because Justin can never answer all the questions Brian wants to ask, not without his memory anyway. “When was that one taken?” Justin asks. He pulls out a photo sticking out of a staple of papers. Brian and him, dressed in formal suits, looking utterly happy. “Does it really matter?” Brian takes the photo from him and puts it face first into one of the drawers. “It's not like you remember anyway.” It stings. The comment burns on his insides and Justin knows Brian's trying to build up that defensive wall again which Justin had pulled down successfully. “Brian, Jesus. Of course, it matters. Everyone else's memories are all that I have left of my life.” Brian exhales deeply. “It was taken during out rehearsal dinner.” Justin stares at him, surprised, in shock. It's nothing he expected. “But we - “ “No, we didn't, but almost. I bought you a house and ring and stunned everyone. But we agreed not to make sacrifices for each other and so you went to New York.” “You wanted to marry me?” Justin asks, as if Brian hadn't explained the situation a second before. Brian shrugs. “It doesn't matter anymore.” To Justin it is everything. It's proof of what he always knew – that one day Brian would cave and admit his love for him. “We were beautiful,” Brian says. “You looked all grown up and confident. I was proud of you and what you had become.” It's much more than Brian intends to say and he wonders where the words come from. When the words sink in, Justin blinks once, twice. Then he lunges at Brian, hands clawing at clothes, lips seeking out another pair. Brian doesn't need a lot of convincing to respond to Justin because he's thought about this very moment, the moment Justin would come back to him, more often than he'll ever admit. And then he remembers that it is so utterly wrong. His fingers curl around Justin's shoulders and push him off, not forcefully but in a way that signals Justin that this isn't going any further. Brian thinks he should probably fight for Justin, make him come back. But what is there to fight for? He has all Justin's attention and Brian knows he could have Justin if he'd give into that craving inside him. Justin doesn't know any better, doesn't know about broken promises and New York visits which never happened. “You should probably go home now,” Brian says and reaches for the telephone to call Justin a taxi. “I – this is home,” Justin mutters. “Brian, why did we break up? Why am I with Kevin?” Brian shrugs. “It doesn't matter. Not anymore. You left me. You're happy now. And I'm not going to steal you away like a jealous ex-boyfriend.” Justin backs away. “Hearing you repeatedly say that things didn't matter, it seems as if I, I, didn't matter. Do I look happy to you?” Tears brim in Justin's eyes and he's taking the rejection much worse than Brian expected him to do. “You know, Brian. If you'd been less of an asshole, I might have stayed.” Justin grabs his jacket, turns around once more as if he's going to say something but doesn't. He leaves, the door gaping open wide after he's left. Brian inhales, exhales, then goes over to close the door. Justin's word hurt, and yes he knows that Justin is probably right. Brian still doesn't do regrets but he regrets that one single mistake: Letting Justin go. ................. “Maybe we should go away for a while,” Kevin suggests over dinner on Tuesday night. “A while?” Justin asks. Being away from friends and family to be alone with Kevin seems like such an odd idea to him. Kevin nods and clarifies, “Vacation. We haven't had a decent vacation together in a while. Maybe we could go to Florida again, or Los Angeles.” It feels like 'Los Angeles' rings bells in his brains but Justin doesn't remember. “I – we can't. The gallery called while you were away. The show's been postponed, yes, but they can't wait much longer. I agreed to have it opened next Monday. And I'll stay for the duration of it.” Kevin doesn't protest. “I'm glad you're not putting your career on hold.” He starts clearing away the dishes and when he passes Justin on his way to the kitchen, he leans down to kiss him. To Justin, it still feels wrong. It has become less unfamiliar but there's no emotion involved, at least on his side. The evening is quiet, both working on their respective projects. Justin leaves the unfinished canvas as it is and paints something else – at least he tries until he is too tired and follows Kevin into bed. He curls up on his side, facing the digital clock on his bedside table. It's been like this since his release from hospital. He watches the time tick by at night until his eyes fall shut from exhaustion, which is usually never before four. But tonight, Kevin moves closer and a hand tentatively curls around Justin's hip, pulling him to the other body. Justin turns around to look at Kevin. So wrong, it feels so wrong. “It's – look, Kevin. I can't do this, okay? I – just. You've been terribly great about everything and it must be hard on you that I – but...” “Shhh...” Kevin silences him and takes his hand off Justin's body. “It's okay, Justin.” Justin shakes his head. “No, it's not, not at all. I'm here with you though I don't feel anything for you. We try so hard but we're not going anywhere. I – I don't even know why I fell in love with you to begin with. You're a great guy, you're everything someone could wish for – but...” Justin sits up. “I'm in love with someone else.” To say it is easier than Justin anticipated. He's speaking the truth. “I know,” Kevin says and withdraws from Justin's side of the bed. “Just promise me one thing: Give me a chance, Justin. Give yourself a chance to love me. That's all I'm asking for.” Justin wants so badly to nod, to say 'yes, Kevin, I will' but he can't. “No more promises I can't keep. Look. He was here. Brian came by because Debbie sent him. And I went to the loft and we kissed. He stopped it. I wanted him so badly, I still do.” Whether he says it to hurt Kevin or himself, Justin doesn't know. But Kevin rolls over on his other side and tells Justin that they'll talk in the morning. “Stop being so fucking understanding!” Justin mumbles and wrenches his pillow off the bed. Kevin's body freezes but he doesn't respond. He's at his wits end and to deal with Justin has become unbearable, so he doesn't stop Justin when he exits the bedroom to make himself a bed on the couch. ....... A few nights later it is Monday and Justin stands in front of the mirror in Kevin's and his shared bedroom. He's trying to smooth out creases from his slacks that aren't even there. The opening to his show starts in three hours and he's nervous because he just doesn't know what it'll hold in store for him. His mother is going to pick him up and take him there. Kevin flies in late from New York, or at least, that is the plan. They've spent a few days apart, trying to figure out how they can continue living together. By the time the gallery's doors are opened and the guests seep in, Justin is on his third glass of sparkling champagne because he thinks he cannot face the press with a sober mind. It's hard to miss out on Debbie's arrival. She calls out for him from where she surveys the building. If he did remember, Justin would know it's how she has acted at any of his shows. Right now, he blushes a little and meets her halfway through the room. There's only time to talk briefly to everyone because Schulze, the agent, approaches him and makes Justin meet a few interested, possible clients for commission works. Justin makes polite small talk and wonders where this knowledge of his comes from. As it seems, he only lost his personal memories. When the clock strikes ten, Justin glances at his watch nervously and notices it's long past the time Kevin promised to be there. Justin excuses himself and goes outside to make a phone call. “Why, Sunshine, how nice of you to come and greet me at the door!” Justin snorts but doesn't turn away from Brian. “I'm glad you came,” he admits honestly. He thinks it's not worth being angry with Brian. “Go, meet everyone. I'll be with you in a minute to give you a tour.” Brian enters the gallery and Justin turns away, dialing Kevin's number on his cell phone. When no one answers, Justin decides not to care – not that he really did in the first place. He joins his friends again. Brian stands off to the side with Michael and Ben and the last Justin catches is Ben saying, “You'll have to ask Justin.” “Ask me what?” Everyone turns silent but then Michael speaks up and invites Justin to come to his comic bookstore the next day. Justin agrees because it's obviously the only way he'll find out why he'd been the topic of their conversation. Justin puts a hand on Brian's arm and tells him to follow before Schulze comes and steals him away again. The family is surprised at how easy Justin and Brian seem to act around each other but they don't know the half of it. It's not easy for either of them but as long as they don't talk about the subject of 'them', it's fine with Justin and Brian. For a long time, they stand in front of the biggest of all canvases. It occurs to Justin that Brian sees more in it than he can remember putting into it. In fact, he sees hurt, fear, regret flashing in Brian's eyes for a moment before he tells Justin that he's outdone himself, as it was to be expected. Halfway through an animated discussion, someone taps Justin on the shoulder. He stares at her incredulously and can't believe it is her, Daphne, at last. “Daph!” he hugs her and then looks at her closely. Her appearance is all grown up and she radiates with happiness. Jennifer watches them from away, glad that she thought of inviting Daphne. Daphne's company, however, leaves Justin puzzled. She reintroduces Justin to Tim and lets him know that they're just married and got back from their honeymoon. Justin sighs. “I knew about the wedding, right?” “Are you kidding me?” Daphne laughs, “You were Tim's best man.” Justin goes off to show her and the husband around, leaving Brian to stand on his own. “It means a lot to him that you're here,” Jennifer tells Brian over his shoulder when he gets a refill of his drink. Brian pinches the bridge of his nose. “And I wish it didn't. Now, where's the other kid? Shouldn't he be here?” Jennifer shrugs. It's not that she doesn't like Kevin. On the contrary – she's happy for Justin and that after Brian, he finally found someone new. Everyone knew Brian hadn't taken the separation from Justin easily but she had seen Brian Kinney suffer every time they went out for lunch, every time they talked about Justin. “He's going back to New York at the end of the month. He hopes to regain some of his memory until then. For all I know, living with Kevin is difficult for him because right now, he has no feelings for Kevin.” Jennifer tells Brian everything in a calm manner, matter-of-factly but she knows Brian understands her. Nonetheless, Brian tries to brush it off. “Well, Justin is clever. Why does he put himself though it?” “He has no place else to go, Brian.” Jennifer’s eyes are telegraphing what her words won’t say. Brian doesn't reply, eyes locked with Jennifer for a long moment before he breaks the stare, stalks over to Justin and tells him that he'll pick him up at Michael's store after work the next day. He turns to go, hesitates for a moment then turns back and presses his lips to Justin's. If this isn't a declaration of love in front of everyone, then Justin doesn't know what it is.