~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is just entirely too strange. Never in my life did I have to have a journal… especially not two of them. The thing is, I have to. I know Brian is reading the one on-line, so the only way I can have something that is NOT a lie, I have to do it this way as well. I'll use the LJ to get even. Is that right? Most likely not, but what else am I supposed to do? I mean, the thing is, I am sick and tired of everything. I am tired of him screwing around with me, of determining what MY life should be like. He's the one who had forced me back into school, he was the one who determined when I can stay and when I can go. I am so fucking tired of it all. I am tired of not being able to make the decisions for myself. Since I had arrived on Liberty Avenue , I have had people tell me how I should feel, how I should act, and what I need to do. Well, I think it's time for me to stand up for myself, and do what I want. I had wanted Brian, but the dumbass isn't smart enough to realize that I'm not some fragile thing that needs to be protected. I survived getting my head smashed in; I think I can survive what he tries to throw at me. I'm just tired. Tired of everyone looking at me differently, like I can't handle things. I'm too young to know what I want, and where I want to be. Dumbasses. So I make up some shit and put it up on the net for Brian to see. I'm sure if it came down to it, I can go and find someone to fill the part. It's not like I'm short on men who want to be with me. I just wish that there was someone I could talk about this stuff with. I can't go to Daphne. Before yeah, I would have had no problem talking and plotting with her. She's just as upset over this whole mess as I am, but not anymore. The problem now? Simple… Brian is living with her. I don't know if I can really trust her to NOT share the information with him. I know she wouldn't purposely betray my trust, but I also am smart enough to know that she wants Brian and I together. She wants me to be happy, and Brian always used to make me happy… well mostly happy. So I don't know if I can trust her. Christ! Is this what my life has become? I can't even trust my best friend! Thank-you oh so very fucking much Brian. You have just totally fucked me over. Well, I did get a call from Bret Keller. He would like me to go out to LA to try and talk to the executives about the movie. I told him I would have to try and find the time. It's the least I can do – for Michael and for myself. Who knows… maybe one day I can get my life in order enough that I can leave Kinnetic and start on MY life. One day I just might be able to make some headway in what I want out of life, and that life just maybe in LA. Doesn't that sound great? Justin takes LA. Justin Taylor, Art Director of a huge Hollywood blockbuster. Yeah, I like the sound of that. It's better than Justin Taylor, worthless man who let's his partner run all over him, yet again. Who knows… maybe one day. Until later, J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Mr. Taylor, there is a Daphne Chandlers on line one for you.” Cynthia stated. Justin closed his hand-written journal and placed it in his briefcase. As much as he wanted to believe that she would stick beside him, he couldn't. He had been hurt and betrayed enough in the past couple of years that he couldn't allow himself to be hurt by the one person he depended on the most. So taking any discussion of his plans out of it, Justin decided he would still talk to her, but limit himself. “Hey Daph, what can I do for you?” “I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat later. You know… talk and stuff.” Daphne asked, hoping to get her friend to open up to her. She had seen him shelter himself from everything in the past couple of months, and she wanted to get him back to where he was, back to who he was. She knew that the only way to do that was to get him and Brian talking again. Justin knew what she was trying to do, and he was grateful that she cared enough to try and take care of him. “I can't, Daph. I have other plans. Maybe some other time.” Quickly without waiting for her to even bring up Brian's name, Justin hung up the phone. He couldn't lie to her, but he wasn't sure he could trust her either. This time he was on his own, he only had himself to look after. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Daphne can I ask you a question?” Brian was laying on the sofa in Daphne's apartment. He'd been sighing heavily for the past half hour driving her slight wild so she was glad he was finally talking. “What?” “If Justin was seeing someone else, if he had someone else staying in the loft, would you tell me?” Brian tried not to sound insecure, but wasn't succeeding well. “I don't know.” Daphne said honestly. “I guess if you asked me a direct question I wouldn't lie to you. But I probably wouldn't volunteer the information.” Brian hated having to ask so he remained silent for awhile. Finally he couldn't stand it and asked. “So is he?” “Is he what?” asked Daphne deliberately misunderstanding. “Is Justin living with someone else at the loft?” “You were gone a long time Brian and Justin is the kind of person who needs to feel that he's loved.” She began. “Would you just answer the question?” “I have no idea if Justin is seeing someone else or if someone is living with him. Justin isn't talking to me anymore. Probably because you're living here.” She eyed him. “Which by the way Brian, how much longer are you planning on living here?” Brian just glared at her and got up to retreat to his room and his computer. Maybe he'd write in his journal. It would at least give a place to vent. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Hellinthepitts I have no right to be jealous - or I deserve what I get. Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 06:49 pm I have to fix what I've fucked up. I feel tired and like a piece of shit all day. I know that's the effects of the cancer and the treatment. They say I've got a 99 % cure rate - with my fucking luck I'll be the one percent who doesn't take the cure and lose my other ball. I feel emotionally drained when ever I look at Justin working in my office. He's pale, his hand shakes more than ever, I can tell he's been getting his killer headaches. I know it's the stress. I can't believe I was so self centered that I didn't realize what he'd have to give up just to maintain MY business. I don't blame him for not wanting to just hand it over, though I suspect that it's mostly to make me suffer. And it is because I am. And now I find out that he's got someone else to hold him at night. Someone to offer him hope and encouragement and I'm sick with jealousy, not that I have any right to be jealous. I mean I deserve it all. But the thought of anyone else touching him makes me so angry I could hit someone. He's mine, he's always been mine and I'm his. I know that now. I don't want anyone else except him. How am I ever going to prove it to him. I need a plan. I need a way to make him realize that he's my life, my everything. Justin, please God, wait for me, don't love anyone else. Mood: aprehensive &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& I have to wonder briefly, if I am doing the right thing? I have to wonder if hurting Brian more is really what I want? OF course there is that part of me that screams YES! I want him to hurt, I want him to feel a fraction of the pain I have felt every second of every damn day he was gone. But the other part of me still wants to just go back to what we had… if it even still exists. I guess that's the question, isn't it? Can… Would we be able to ever get that back? Would it be worth it? Could I let him back in after all the damn pain he has put me through? That he could put me through? I really don't know. Hell, I don't even know what to write on the Live Journal anymore. Every time I start, I see Brian sitting across the table from me at work, looking worn out. I want to just rush over there and tell him everything will be alright, that I love him no matter what. But I can't. I can't bring myself to make that move. I have to get out of here. I have to think. That's the only thing I can even imagine, even see working. Every second I am with him, I feel my resolve to make him suffer gets less and less. I have to do something… I have to get out of here, even if it's just for a weekend. I just can't give in. I don't think I will ever be able to live with myself if I did. The only problem would be… who would I leave the business with? Could I trust Brian to run it in my absence? Could I trust him enough to handle things for a short while, and trust him to give it back? I don't know… I really don't know. I guess I will have to try something. I can't stand this anymore. I'm going out of my fucking mind! J ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The ringing of the phone woke Justin up from a sound sleep, something he rarely got these days. “What?” he barked into the phone though his voice was hoarse. “It's Daphne; you have to come over here. Brian saw the doctor after work and he came back here and took a bunch of pills and fell asleep. He wouldn't talk to me. He locked the bedroom door and now I can hear him, he sounds weird. Justin I'm scared.” “I'll be right over.” Justin said as he pulled on a pair of sweat pants. He grabbed his jacket and ran out of the loft, barely pausing to lock the door behind him. What the fuck happened today was all that was going through his mind. He raced through the dark Pittsburgh streets to Daphne's apartment and then up the stairs. He was unwilling to wait for the elevator. “Have you got the door open yet?” He shouted at Daphne. “I can't find the screwdriver to pop the lock.” She was shaking. Justin could hear Brian inside the room retching. He shut his eyes for a moment and with all of his strength he kicked the door open breaking the lock and the door jamb. Brian was lying on the floor near the bathroom. He'd been sick and he was unconscious. Justin rushed over to make sure he was breathing. “Call an ambulance” he shouted. “He's having some kind of a bad reaction to something he's taken.” Justin, familiar with allergic reactions knew what he was talking about. He looked around and found a prescription bottle filled with pills. He slipped them in his pocket. They'd need to know what Brian had taken. The fact that he'd thrown up was good. It meant that most of whatever it was should be out of his system. The trip in the ambulance was harrowing. Justin had to watch while Brian stopped breathing and the attendants worked their magic getting him going again. He prayed more than he'd ever prayed before. They only allowed Justin near Brian's feet, but it was enough for the blond. He kept his hand on Brian's foot no matter how many turns the ambulance took. Inside the hospital he handed the emergency doctor the bottle of pills and explained that it was a new prescription Brian had filled earlier that day. The next hour seemed to take years to go by. Finally the doctor came out to talk to him. “Mr. Taylor, Mr. Kinney is stable now. You can take him home in a couple of hours but only if you can watch him for forty eight hours. I'll have the nurse print out what you need to watch for should he react badly again.” “What exactly happened?” Justin asked. “From what we can tell and from the little Mr. Kinney remembers, he has been having migraines probably because of the stress he's been under since his cancer scare. His doctor prescribed a new migraine medication and Mr. Kinney took a double dose without realizing what he'd done. On top of that he'd had an alcoholic beverage. He would have had a mild allergic reaction to the drug, but the double dose combined with the alcohol was enough to send him into anaphylactic shock. He's a very lucky man that you found him when you did.” Justin shut his eyes in relief and then opened them again. “thanks doctor.” He said. “You can go in and sit with him if you like. I want to keep him here for two more hours just to be sure. He's pretty shaken, but I think he could use some company.” Justin smiled. Brian wasn't used to feeling helpless. It was part of his problem when he first was diagnosed with cancer. He walked into the small cubicle where Brian lay on a high gurney, the sides up. He was pale, his hair a mess. He looked at Justin and his eyes started to tear up. “Jus” he began. And then shut his eyes trying to regain his composure. “You fucking asshole, if you die on me one more time I'll kill you myself.” Justin said as he walked over. He lowered the bars on the narrow bed and put his head on Brian's chest. “I hate your fucking guts.” He began to cry. “I know Jus, I know.” Brian said as he began to comb his hand through Justin's hair. He held Justin tightly afraid that if he let go, Justin would disappear into the night. Finally Justin's sobs subsided. He sniffed a couple of times. Brian reached over for a tissue from the box on the stand near his bed. He tilted Justin's tear stained face toward him and wiped it dry, he even wiped Justin's nose which made the blond giggle. And then made a show of wiping off his chest, which made Justin giggle even more. “Okay asshole, this is how it's going to be. I'm taking you home in a couple of hours. You are going to stay there for two days while I make sure you don't self combust. While we're together we're going to come to an agreement about the business and everything else including ourselves. You fucking had better get it through your head that you're going to marry me and damn well like it. I'm going back to school and I have some dealings out in LA. But I'm going as a married man. If either of us has any life threatening problems bigger than a hangnail then we'd better share. None of this disappearing into the night. “Okay, I agree.” “And I'm going to be the top from now on in this relationship.” “Hold on there Sunshine, I've had a bit of set back here, but it didn't affect my hearing. You are not the top in this relationship.” “Okay, seventy five percent of the time.” “Fifty” “Deal.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ After taking Brian home, Justin laid him down on the bed and headed out to the living room. He had to think, had to try and get his head back in order. He hated that he had once again gone after Brian, but he knew that it had been his only choice. Brian needed him as much as he needed Brian. Standing by the window looking out at the night sky, Justin felt arms wrap around him, holding him close to the solid chest behind him. “We have a lot to talk about, you know that don't you?” Justin informed Brian without turning around. “Yeah, we do.” Brian quietly whispered against Justin's ear as he placed his head against Justin's, enjoying the feel of his lover once again in his arms. “Just remind me to not take too damn many of those pills again, okay. Especially not with alcohol.” “You son of a bitch.” Justin stated shaking his head slightly. He wanted to be angry, but felt like all of his energy had left him when he found Brian laying on the ground. “Must you always make a huge production out of everything? Are you bent on making my life a constant struggle?” “I'm sorry.” Brian began as he placed a light kiss on Justin's cheek. “And this time, it's not bullshit. I fucked up, I know that. And I want to make it up to you… I have to make it up to you. I don't ever want to make you hurt like that again.” Justin pulled out of Brian's grasp, and headed toward the kitchen to grab himself a drink. “You should be in bed resting. We'll talk once you get back on your feet.” “Justin.” “Brian… please. Not now. I have a lot to think about, and frankly right now… it's not the time. Go, rest. I have a meeting in the morning, I have to finish prepping for.” Justin moved over to the computer letting Brian know that for now, the discussion was over. Thing were just getting too much for him at that moment, and his emotions were already scattered… Justin needed to get his bearings so he could try and come up with a logical way that they could work all of this out. Letting out a sigh, Brian slowly made his way back up to the bed. He knew he had to give Justin time, and time is what he would give his lover. He would prove to Justin once and for all that they were meant to be. Laying down on the bed, Brian closed his eyes to try and come up with a plan. Before he even knew what hit him, sleep claimed him. When he woke, Justin had already left. Slipping out of bed, Brian took a quick shower, and sat down at the computer desk. He had to come up with a plan before Justin came home. He only hoped that his lover would be willing to compromise and let him back into his life. From everything he could tell from the night before, Justin was willing, now all Brian had to do was keep Justin with him. He had to keep Justin from thinking too much about the past hurt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin stood outside the loft door, gathering the strength he would need to face what lay beyond the cold metal. He knew that today was the day they would have to sit and talk about all of this mess, but Justin still hadn't come up with anything. All day his mind had been filled with images of Brian laying on the ground unconscious. The thought that he could lose the man tore him up inside, despite all the pain that Brian had caused him lately. Knowing he couldn't put it off any longer, Justin opened the loft door and walked in. Immediately he was filled with the awe, as he looked around the loft. No lights were on, as the place was lit only with candles throughout. A small blanket lined the floor, food set up on one of the small coffee tables. Justin felt the tears start to form behind his eyes, as he fought hard to control his emotions. “Are you coming in, or are you just going to stand there all day?” Brian's voice softly crossed his ear as he felt his jacket slip from his shoulders. “Let me take that,” Brian added as he took the briefcase from Justin's lose grip and set it down beside the door. “What?... Bri…” Justin began, unsure suddenly what it was he had wanted. Brian moved to stand in front of Justin after shutting the door and locking it. “Shhhh.” Brian hushed his lover with a light finger across his rosy lips. “Come on, before it gets cold.” Brian led Justin over to the blanket, and sat down. “Eat first, then talk.” Brian told Justin before the other man had a chance to say anything. Justin rolled his lower lip into his mouth trying to keep the smile from bursting through. Never in his life would he have thought that Brian would do something like this. Yes, they had done it before, but Justin had initiated it. Shaking his head, Justin stretched out on the blanket, determined to enjoy this while it lasted. He sure as hell wasn't so sure about how everything would turn out after their ‘talk', so Justin decided he would just take things as they went. Feeding each other bits of food, they simply enjoyed the peace between them. Setting the plate back on the table, Justin reached for his wine glass and leaned back against the wall. “Thank-you.” “For what?” Brian asked honestly confused. He wasn't sure what Justin could be thanking him for after everything that he had done to the other man. “For this, for trying. I appreciate it.” Justin stated as he took a long sip from his wine. “I guess we should try and figure out what to do now, huh?” “Only if you want to. Yes, I admit that we have to talk. I fucked up, left you to deal with everything. I thought a lot about things these past couple of weeks, and I know that I never should have left.” Brian tried to explain the things that had been going through his head since he had read that journal entry. “You damn right you shouldn't have. But the fact is, you did. You didn't trust me enough, didn't believe in what we fucking had enough to stick around. Do you have ANY idea what that did to me? Any idea at all?” Justin asked. He had promised himself that he wouldn't make this a Brian bashing thing, but Brian had always had a way of opening the door to Justin's emotions. “Fuck…” he began as he ran his hand through his hair. “We don't need to get into a fight. Just know that it hurt. It hurt a fucking lot, and it will take a lot for me to trust you fully again. At least when it comes to my heart.” Brian nodded, completely agreeing with his lover. He knew that Justin had been hurt greatly by his leaving. He wanted Justin to lash out, to express all of the anger that Brian had caused. He didn't want Justin to keep it inside anymore. “Maybe you should get it out. Yell, scream… fucking throw shit for all I care. I left you, made you lie to our friends and family. I forced you to change your life around, all because I was too damn chickenshit to do anything else but run. I can't take that back, and I am sorry.” “You can have Kinnetic back. I never wanted it to begin with. All I ask is that you take care of the ones I brought in. I worked my ass off for those.” Justin stated changing the subject. “Justin.” “Look, Bri. I just… I can't get into that part now. Maybe one day, but right now… I'm afraid of what I will say. The pain is just too fresh, you know? If I start, I know I will say something that I can never take back. And we're trying to at least become friends if nothing else, right? We're trying to work on us.” Justin shrugged and gave Brian a small smile. “Plus… I don't know what to say. I have no idea what I want to say, and if it will even help. We're in enough trouble as is, and I don't want to dwell on all that shit. Can't we just try and move forward?” “We're going to have to have it out sometime, you know that right?” Brian asked standing so he could move toward Justin. “I just don't want you to hold it all inside, I want you to let it out. Talk to me, tell me what you're feeling. What I can do to try and make it up to you.” Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right. They would have to have it out one day, but he didn't want that day to be now. “I'm not ready. Someday, I promise… but I just… hell I don't even know what to say, what to think. I want to work on us, try and look forward. I know we can't forget this, but I don't want … I want to move forward.” Justin tried to explain. “But we will, I promise. We will talk about it, just not right now. I want to just start to work to put all of that shit behind us.” “Okay. But we will talk about it, I promise you that.” Brian stated. He hated that Justin was trying to avoid the much needed conversation, but he also knew that he couldn't push Justin right now. He had to work on getting the young man to open up to him first… even just a little. He knew that they had a long road a head of them before things ever came close to the way they were before. “And I will have you trust me again… besides, we have a damn wedding to plan, and I will make it the best damn wedding that this city has ever seen.” Justin laughed slightly, as he slowly moved his way closer to Brian. Wrapping his arms around his lover's waist, Justin laid his head on Brian's shoulder. “I missed you, Brian. I don't EVER want to go through that shit again.” “You won't have to. You're going to be so sick of having me around that you'll be begging Daphne to give up her couch to one of us.” Brian lightly joked. “Most likely it will be me, but hey… I have this way of bringing out the worst in people.” “And the best,” Justin whispered. “It will take time, but I think we'll get through this. We have to.” Brian lightly placed a kiss on top of Justin's head. “We will. We've gotten through worse, and this time… well I know better. I think I've finally grown up, pa.” Justin slapped Brian on the arm as he looked up at the other man. “We'll start the transfer back to you, tomorrow. I'm sure it will take a while, but I have no doubt that everything will be cleared up by the end of the month.” Brian nodded, and smiled. “Hell it shouldn't be too hard to just add my name next to yours on everything. That way we're both protected.” Justin stared up at Brian with a raised eyebrow. “Don't even think of skipping town again. As you said… we have a wedding to plan.” “Wouldn't dream of it, Sunshine. We might as well get things equal now, that way there's less to do before the wedding.” “You're serious?” “Serious. I love you, Justin. Always have, and always will. I'm never leaving you again.” finished July 27, 2004 -