Chapter 1 - 

“This afternoon I’m going to introduce to all of you one of the more famous romance novelists.” Oprah looks out over the audience. “Steamy stuff honey, let me tell you.” She waves her hand fanning herself.

“Of course, these romances won’t be found in the Harlequin archives. I tell you they are better than anything that publishing house puts out. And believe me I’ve read my share of Harlequin Romances when I was younger. These are a teensy bit different if you know what I mean. Well written and researched, the romantic couple of each novel, and that’s what they are, novels, eventually come together and find love. No matter what trials and tribulations they run into, romance and love comes through.” Oprah turns to the television monitors and says “Take a look at this.”

On the screens around the studio various romantic scenes begin scrolling across. Everyone sees a handsome man, blond, well built, but on the small side. Suddenly there is a handsome brunet man entering the scene. They come together with a passion that almost burns the screen. The audience roars its approval. “These are clips from the various Indie films that have been made using the novels of our guest.” 

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome BJ Amour.” The audience is quiet for a moment and then when Justin walks through the curtain, they stand up clapping and cheering; each and every one of them enraptured by the blushing and handsome young blond who was now embracing Oprah.

“Apparently these ladies have a secret life that involves your novels.” Oprah said to him with a grin. “Cause baby, you’ve caused more excitement than when Tom Cruise walked through that door.” 

“Actually, my books do sell well to the female reader.” Justin’s voice was quiet and well modulated. He looked out at the audience. “Thanks ladies.” He said with a grin and his grin got wider with the chuckle that rippled through the audience.

“No BJ, I’ve read some of these novels.” Oprah waved her hand at the display of brightly illustrated books on the table in front of them. “I must say that the book jackets are almost as good as the book itself. My my honey, you have one talented erotic artist doing these jackets.”

“Actually, that’s me.” Justin said. “I’m the artist.”

“You’re Justin Taylor?” she looked closely at one of the jacket covers and then held it up to the camera. “Can I meet your model for Jacob?” she pointed to the tall auburn haired man on the front cover. He was leaning back against a rock, the moon shining down on him and only a well placed letter of the book title - Misty Moonlight - hid his cock.

“The model is in my dreams.” Justin said.

“You have terrific dreams.” Oprah laughed. “Mine aren’t nearly as --- well explicit.” She pretended to moon over the book jacket for a moment and then put it down. “Tell me, why BJ Amour and not Justin Taylor?”

“You really didn’t think my last name was Amour did you?” Justin asked avoiding the question.

“It did seem quite a coincidence for a romance writer.” Oprah admitted. “Justin Taylor is rather famous in his own right as an artist. I even own a Justin Taylor original or two. And now I find that you are a writer as well. How many facets of mystery do you have in your life?”

“I’m an artist and writer foremost. I actually began writing when I was fourteen. Nothing like the Midnight Whispers series of novels, but still pretty good.”

“What did your high school friends think of you when they found out you were a published writer at fourteen?”

“No one knew other than my grandfather who acted as my agent and my financial guardian. It wasn’t something that was discussed at home, due to the kind of books I wrote. All of them were gay themed with an emphasis on high school aged kids. It wasn’t an acceptable topic of conversation at the dinner table let’s say. I had enough of a problem surviving until graduation as it was without adding fuel to the fire.”

“So to an extent, some of your earlier books were autobiographical?” Oprah asked.

“In part I think, everything an author writes has a bit of himself in it. As a writer you are your books. They are like your children.”

“You write so much romance. Is that also part of your life?” 

“No, but that doesn’t mean that romance isn’t part of who I am. I’m an incurable romantic and always have been. What I write is what I wish my life would be like. I’d like to find that special man for me and have him sweep me off of my feet.”

“Wouldn’t we all.” Oprah’s voice was dry. The audience laughed. “So you’ve never found your prince?”

“Oh I found him alright. I found him when I was seventeen. But like all things in life and love, it wasn’t meant to be.” Justin looked sad for a moment and every one of the women in the audience wanted to tear that man who had hurt him apart with their bare hands.

“Seventeen is very young to have fallen in love. Perhaps you weren’t ready and your prince will still come.” 

“Seventeen is different for each of us. I’d been through a lot and lived hard in my own way. By seventeen I knew what I wanted and I wanted, no needed the man I fell in love with. That hasn’t changed. I guess it never will. But I’ve moved on and while I’ll always love him, I can still move forward.”

“I remember my first love. You never forget him do you?” 

“No, he’ll always be with me.” Justin said with a laugh remembering Brian’s words that first night. “I hope that if there is some justice in this world, I’ll always be with him too, in his mind if not in his arms.” 

“I understand that you’ve signed a three movie deal with Paramount Pictures. That’s darn good. They say the best revenge is success.” Oprah laughed. “And I understand that there is a television series beginning this year modeled after your book Alternative High.”

“The movie deal was great. I mean who doesn’t want to see their work on the silver screen. I’ve had my stuff in Indie films like you mentioned, but these will be with major stars and big budget. But the deal that captured my heart was the Alternative High deal. Showtime has taken a six-year option for the series. I’m hoping that it will show those kids who are gay or lesbian, transgendered or bi, that they too can have a normal high school life away from the bigots and bullies. If nothing else it’s a terrific dream.”

“It’s more than a dream for you, though.” Oprah smiled and waved her hand toward the viewing screens again. “We sent a film crew to Pittsburgh, where they filmed the new school you’ve built there. Your own Alternative High.” 

Justin flushed again as the exterior and interior shots were shown of the school he was starting. “Oprah, I wasn’t planning to announce my part in the school. But now that you have, yes, with the help of my grandfather and Senator Baxter and the proceeds from the television show, I have begun this new venture.” 

“Tell me Justin, what this is going to mean for you personally and why Pittsburgh. I mean you have an amazing loft apartment in New York that has been featured in Architectural Digest. Your gallery commitments are all there. And now you’ll be returning to your home town.”

“There are a lot of reasons Oprah, most of them personal. But I’ll share a story with you. When I was seventeen, I knew I was gay. The only one I had to confide in was my best friend, Daphne. I know I could have talked to my grandfather, but it isn’t the same. In order to explore my sexuality, I was convinced I had to go to the gay area of town. You see, if I had someone, like a teacher to talk to, that would understand, I wouldn’t have done something like this. I was lucky that night. The man who I met, was kind and gentle and probably one of the nicest men on the Avenue. It could have turned out a thousand times worse. I want to make sure that all the kids in Pittsburgh have a chance at a normal school life and that includes being who they are without having to sneak out to Liberty Avenue.”

“You’ve set yourself some pretty big goals.” Oprah said. “What do you think?” she asked her audience. “Can BJ Amour become a high school principal?” 

“YES” roared the audience. 

“Your audience has confidence in me.” Justin smiled at them. “Thanks everybody. I appreciate it. You know someone once said he was going to make me into the best homosexual I could be. He’s not in my life now, I’m not even sure if he ever was or if he’s a figment of my imagination.” Justin chuckled. “But I do try to live by his set of rules, both the ones he told me and the ones he lived by that were unsaid, but still very much there.”

“Give a hand to BJ Amour aka Justin Taylor everybody.” Oprah said as she stood up. “And go buy his books, especially Alternative High. You can read it and watch it on Showtime at ten o’clock on Sunday nights.” She hugged Justin again and amidst wild cheering, Justin left the stage.

Justin walked off into the wings. One of Oprah’s crew started to lead him back to the green room but he shook him off and continued down the hall. His eyes focused on the exit sign at the far end. It was only when he was through the door and standing in the alley with sunlight beaming down on him, did he begin to shake. “Fuck,” he said to himself. “What the fuck did I say in there? Brian is going to shit if he finds out.” Laughing he walked down the alley and onto the busy city street. Justin Taylor was coming home.

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The cab Justin caught dropped him off in front of the hotel the Oprah show had put him up in. It was luxurious and reminded him of the time he’d run away to New York, picking a luxurious hotel room and securing it with Brian’s credit card. He’d known deep in his heart that he was taking a chance, and to his credit he didn’t panic until the next day. He’d been on the verge of heading back when that knock on the door told him Brian had come to rescue him. Of course Brian had other ideas, but still it was a rescue all the same.

Justin smiled to himself as he rode the elevator up to his room. The New York reunion featured often in his novels. Of course it was cleverly disguised, or at least Justin hoped it was. Besides, the chance of Brian actually reading a BJ Amour novel was slim to nothing. And it was only Brian who would recognize the various acts of lovemaking as familiar. Now Michael on the other hand, Justin could see him reading a BJ Amour, of course it would have to be in comic book form. He giggled. Luckily none of them watched Oprah.


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“I tell you, you have to read these books. They are by far the hottest thing on the market.” Emmett stated from his seat in the back of the diner. “Hot sex, love, romance… and the sex… makes me want to find my own hazel eyed prince.”

“I don’t think that they are all that good. Like any of that would ever really happen. I mean… really.” Michael shook his head at his friend and wondered how Emmett could get into anything like that. Not that Michael would ever admit it to the man, but he did agree with Em about the whole thing. They were hot, but it was going to be his secret. The man that the books described sounded a lot, at least in looks like Brian. It only helped fuel his fantasies, giving them a little more ‘flavor’.

“I don’t know. Could you just imagine?”

“That’s the problem. I think he’s becoming every gay man’s dream man… one way or the other.” Ted stated as he lifted his cup up to his lips. “What I am curious about is if the two of you think that the men in the book are a lot like some others we know well.”

Em smiled at Ted, and laid a hand on his shoulder. “The one is a lot like a certain ‘Stud’ we all know so well… and the other… Well blond, blue eyes…”

“Don’t even mention that twinks name. Brian would be a LOT better off if you don’t mention anything about that to him.” Michael told his friends. They had all seen Brian’s spiral into the realm of pain, drugs, and sex after Justin had walked out in front of everyone with that Ethan kid. Brian luckily had chosen a new way to hide the pain he was still evidentially in, by throwing himself into his work, his new business. Michael hated Justin every day for what he had done to his friend. The Brian they all knew was gone, maybe never to return.

“Well there’s one way to find out. The author is going to be on Oprah today, wouldn’t that answer a lot of questions?” Emmett smiled. He knew he was going to watch the show, if only to see if who he thought the author was, is correct. 

“I bet you fifty that it’’s some troll.” Michael said with a small smile.

“Works for me, hun. I tell you that you will lose. Someone who writes that type of thing… well they have to have experience. You can’t have that experience if you are a total troll.”

“Is that why Theodore doesn’t get any.” Brian moved to sit next to Michael as a coffee cup was placed before him. “What is this?” Brian picked up the book in front of Emmett and shook his head. “Can’t get any so you have to read some smut? I knew you boys were sad, but this goes beyond anything I ever dreamed of.”

“BJ Amour is one of the greatest gay writers of our time. His stories give light to the love that gay men can share.”

“Something you wouldn’t know anything about.” Ted smirked.

Brian gave Ted an evil glare, and then smiled. “If you want to keep your job, Theodore, I suggest you shut the fuck up. Keeping your boss happy is one of the things that a good employee must do.” Brian began to leaf through the book, shaking his head. “You read this shit too?”

“We all do,” Michael said with his head down. “What?” He asked when he saw the look that Brian gave him. “I’m a romantic.”

“Pitiful is more like it.”

“Well boys, I am heading out. I don’t want to miss seeing this delectable morsel on TV.”

“Oprah… the horrors of life.” Ted replied, glancing up at his friend.

Emmett wrapped his small scarf around his neck and shrugged. “Are you coming?”

“Let’s go.”

Brian watched as Ted and Emmett left the diner, followed closely by Michael. He couldn’t believe the men he hung out with. Reading trashy smut and watching Oprah. That must be a gay man’s nightmare… at least it was his. Seeing that Emmett had left his book, Brian carefully placed it in his jacket figuring that he might want to see what has the gang going all crazy over. 

When he made his way back to the loft, he turned on the TV and headed toward the bedroom to change. Since Justin had left, Brian had taken to having some noise in the loft. Whether it was the TV turned on with the volume on low, or the radio playing in the background. Brian had to have something to keep his mind off of what would never be there again.

When he walked into the kitchen, he caught a glimpse of the TV. On the screen was Oprah talking to someone he hadn’t seen in years, not since the day that the man had walked out of his life. Moving over to the couch, Brian reached for the remote to turn up the volume. “Well fuck me.” He said when it was revealed that Justin… the same Justin who had worked his way into Brian’s heart years ago was the writer that had everyone bending over backwards for. Picking up the book once again, Brian opened it up, and started to read.

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In true Kinney fashion, Brian read the book and then went on line to Amazon and ordered all of Justin’s books, paying a premium to have them delivered the next day. He couldn’t believe the nerve of that little shit. Brian had recognized more than one scene in the book he’d read as something that had actually happened. 

It would be interesting to see what the other books told him. Of course Brian couldn’t and wouldn’t admit to himself that part of the reason he had ordered the books was to see how Justin’s mind was working when it came to his fantasies about the two of them. For Brian was no dummy, the tall hazel eyed hero was him and Justin was the blond no matter what name or alternate universe Justin put them in.

Luckily a the long weekend was coming up, because Brian had no intention of leaving his loft until he’d read every damn word Justin had written about them and his fantasy life.

While he waited on Amazon’s delivery system, Brian began to research BJ Amour something he was good at, research that is. He was surprised to see that BJ Amour had his own web site. In fact it was labeled as the ‘official BJ Amour’ site. Official because it seemed that there were dozens of sites dedicated to the author and his writing. 

Starting with the ‘official’ site, Brian began to work his way through it discovering a lot of things about Justin that he hadn’t known and some that he had known but had refused to admit.

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Justin sat on the couch in his living room, with a sketchbook on his lap. “I know that it’s not going to be easy. When you try to bring something that isn’t the norm into a strict, biased area, it is never easy. But without some place for these kids to go to, then things can be worse. For them, for the community… Considering how I know that school is hell for teens that are ‘different’… Just set up a meeting with whothefuckever I need to talk to, and I’ll be there. They can tell me to my face that gays don’t have the right to the same education without the fear. They can tell me that there is no danger to gay kids in their school system. I’ll show them how fucked up their thoughts are… Yeah, get back to me.”

Justin pressed the off button on the speakerphone and ran his hand through his hair. He hated that every time he wanted to do something to make things better for people he had to explain WHY he felt so strongly. He hated talking about what happened all those years ago. The only one he ever talked to about it was his therapist; he was the only one who had an idea of what motivated Justin. Every time someone tried to bring the mess up during an interview Justin would quickly try to bring them back to the subject at hand, or just lightly touch on the subject telling them that it was personal.

How many times did he have to live the nightmare? How many nights did he have to wake up to nightmares? Justin didn’t think that he had a single night without nightmares since he had walked out on Brian, since the Rage party. Seeing the bashing being played out on the stage, brought it all back, brought back the nightmares. 

Ethan had tried, of that there was no doubt. Justin couldn’t blame their failed relationship all on Ethan. If Justin had been able to open up to Ethan, then maybe they would still be together, instead of only lasting a couple of weeks. Justin knew when he walked into the relationship that he could never give his all to it, but it never stopped him. He had high hopes for it all, only to realize that it wasn’t what he wanted, what he needed. He didn’t want to explain himself and why he did things to anyone. Brian had known, and Justin had taken for granted that anyone who cared about him would know. After all Brian had always known. He’d been there in the dark to hold him. Brian had spent hours listening to him talk, or ramble on about how he felt. Brian had always said that he didn’t ‘do’ conversations about the bashing. But that wasn’t strictly true, in the shadowed dark of the night, while holding Justin; they had discussed a lot of what was bothering both of them. It was only in the light of day that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t talk about it. Justin had figured that their nighttime conversations were to Brian like the confessional in Church. That they were somehow sacred and private in the dark confessional of their bed, what was discussed during those times stayed there. Justin had missed that time of intimate privacy with Brian more than he cared to admit to himself. It sure was a lot cheaper to talk to the man he had loved however they did it, then to pay a shrink. 

Since the end of the relationship with Ethan, Justin knew he would never try again. He couldn’t put himself through the pain of failure until he knew who he was, and how to deal with things himself. He had to be his own person, and deal with his own issues. Abandonment, fear, anger… you name it Justin had it. The thought of being with anyone but Brian scared the shit out of him. He had his chance at true love and he fucked it up.

That’s why Brian was a regular in Justin’s books. It was his way to escape, to remember how things were. It was his way of trying to hold on to a time when things had - not exactly perfect - but had been as good as he was ever going to get. He could never love anyone other than Brian; he could never give himself fully to a man. His books showed the world what he would do if Brian could ever forgive him, and become part of his life again. It showed everyone what his dreams were, what he wanted out of life.

Many people felt that the books had too much angst. Justin never painted the perfect ‘rose-colored’ life. The two lovers would go through hell and back, just trying to get their lives as best as they could. Yes, he had some books that were a basic fairytale, but those had stopped when the bat connected with his skull. Never again would he think that everything was perfect, that everything would be okay.

Thousands of dollars to a shrink proved that.

Shaking his head, Justin pulled his pencil out from behind his ear. He had to get the cover for the next book done, and it had to be perfect. It had to show his love for the man he would never again have. Show that he had never forgotten Brian, that he would always carry a part of him around with him. Justin needed this for himself, if for no other reason.

In the back of his mind, Justin couldn’t get the thought out of his mind that he would be returning to his home town, back to the town where Brian lived. He couldn’t get out of his mind what everyone would think about his return. Would they hate him, or open their arms to him once again? Would he ever find a home to call his own, or would they abandon him like almost everyone else in his life? Would this be the time that Brian finally turned his back on Justin?

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“Jennifer, this is Brian Kinney.” Brian paced his office floor nervously as he spoke into the telephone’s receiver. 

“Brian, what a surprise.” Jennifer knew of course why Brian was calling. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know deep down in her heart that her son still loved the man on the other end of the phone line. From the tone of Brian’s voice, he was still interested in her son. The question is, just what did he want from Justin.
“It’s been awhile.” Brian admitted. “I’ll get to the point. Justin is moving back here.” Brian paused not really sure what he wanted to know. But so far what he’d read, and he’d been reading all weekend, told him that Justin still loved him. Or maybe the blond was in love with the idea of love. Like everything when it disappeared, it suddenly became more important than reality. “Where is he staying?”

“Brian, Justin bought a house here years ago. This isn’t the first time he’s been back in Pittsburgh you know. In fact he’s spent a good deal of time here over the past few years. He says it’s a quiet place to write.”

Brian was silent with this revelation for a moment. “You mean Justin’s been back? I never saw him.”

“Oh, but he’s seen you.” She laughed lightly and Brian remembered Justin’s laugh so like his mother’s. “He’s kept me filled in on what you’ve been up to. Congratulations by the way on your new company. I did get a chuckle out of the location you picked.”

“I would have called you to find me the property, but your office said you were out of town.” Brian remembered the days of nerving himself to make that particular phone call only to find out Jennifer Taylor wasn’t home.

“Yes, I was in New York with Justin. He had just brought home his new baby and like all new parent’s he needed his mother’s help.”

“Justin has a child?” Now that was a piece of news that wasn’t included in the various BJ Amour websites.

“Yes, he adopted a baby a couple of years ago. Actually that was the second one he’s adopted. They are little HIV positive babies. BJ is almost four now and little Malia just turned two and a half.”

“He must have an understanding partner.” Brian tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“Justin has never had a partner other than you Brian. Oh I know he’s had some mild flings, but nothing even close to lasting more than a week or two. I’m afraid that most men he meets just can’t handle his children. They are high maintenance in lots of ways. HIV children require more than just love, there are doctors and drugs and illnesses that sneak up on them.”

“He’s raising them on his own?” Brian knew just how much care, time and attention a child required. He’d had Gus for many weekends and he’d often marveled at how Lindsay and Melanie coped the rest of the time. “He must have help of some kind. I mean when does he have time to write or paint?”

“No Justin doesn’t have anyone to help him on a permanent basis. That’s why I go there as often as I can to visit and encourage him to come to his home in Pittsburgh. I love my little grandchildren and my son and I enjoy giving him some ‘off’ time.”

“I didn’t know.” Brian’s voice was quiet. 

“No one really does Brian. I probably should never have told you, but I don’t want you upsetting Justin when he moves back here permanently. He won’t be as anonymous as before and I’m not sure that he completely understood the consequences of that. He and the children will suddenly be in the limelight.”

“Why would I upset Justin?” Brian was curious.

“Because he loves you. He always has and I’m sure he always will. He loves his children too. You know how Justin has so much love to give. But Brian, his heart was broken when the two of you split up. He was very fragile for a long time. With his work and his children, he doesn’t need any emotional bombs going off.”

“He’ll need someone to help with the children now that he’s going to be in charge of this new school.” 

“Justin assures me that he has everything under control. He hates having anyone thinking for him.”

“I remember that.” Brian chuckled. “I don’t suppose you’d give me his address.”

“Well Brian, since Justin is listed in the phone book and has been for years, I don’t suppose it would matter. “ she laughed. “Justin’s home is on a small acreage just outside the city. If you’d like I could fax you the directions. It’s a little hard to find.”

“Please do.” Brian sighed. This was a lot of information to take in all at once. “I appreciate you talking to me Jennifer. I’m sorry that it’s been so long since we last spoke.”

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Justin picked his sleeping daughter out of the back seat, and with his hand in BJ’s hand, he walked toward the front door of his house. “Is gramma here?” BJ asked.

Justin smiled at his son, and shrugged. “Why don’t you go in and find out?” Justin watched as BJ ran into the house calling out for his grandmother. He couldn’t help but smile, grateful that his son was - at the moment - feeling well. Walking into the kitchen Justin saw his son’s arms wrapped around Jenn’s legs. “I see he found you.” 

“He seems healthy. How’s Malia?” Jennifer picked up her grandson and twirled him around the kitchen. 

Justin could see the happiness in her eyes when she saw BJ run toward her. It hadn’t been that long ago when they weren’t sure if he would ever be able to run, let alone walk. Justin never wanted to lose his children, but he knew that the likelihood of either one of them surviving him would be slim. All Justin knew was that he would enjoy every minute of their lives, every second he was graced with their presence. “He’s doing better. I think that the new medication is doing some good. He hasn’t had a serious cold in about a month or so. And I think his asthma is a little better.”

“Have they figured out what caused it?”

Justin nodded as he carefully placed his daughter in the playpen his mother set up. “Traci’s cat. They went over there, and I guess the cat just came up to them and whatever… anyway, the doctor said he was lucky. It could have been worse. He could have lost his sight, or hearing… something.” Justin glanced down at the sleeping beauty who was curled up in the playpen and smiled. “Needless to say there will never be a cat in the house, no matter how much they beg.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad, Justin.” Jennifer reached down and picked BJ up, placing the young boy on one of the stools. BJ always wanted to help cook, and both of the adults were more than willing to allow the boy his fun. “They say that a lot of things aren’t good for them. They are in good health, and they have already beaten a lot of odds.”

“But if I do something… if I allow something into my home that could be harmful for them and something happens…”

“Justin.” Jennifer walked over and placed her hands on Justin’s shoulders. “No one can protect their children from everything. No one. I couldn’t, and you can’t either. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but you can’t keep them trapped in a bubble.”

“I know that, it’s just that… I don’t know if I could live with myself if something happened to them because I wasn’t careful. They are going to have enough problems in life without me purposely neglecting things that I know could hurt them.” Justin sat down on one of the stools, and ran his hand through his son’s hair. “I can’t do that. So if they say that being around cats… cat feces, whatever, then no cats. I won’t take the chance.”

Jennifer wrapped her arms around Justin and once again wished that Justin had someone in his life to help him through the trials, pain, and happiness of raising these two beautiful children. “You’re a wonderful father, and you would never put them in harms way. All I’m saying is that you have to let them have some life. BJ is starting school soon, have you thought about that?”

“How can I not think about it? I guess that’s why I’m pushing so hard for the school. At least there we’ll have someone who can handle his special needs. I don’t know if I can handle trying to explain to a regular school nurse about that. Or when he needs his meds, or what to do if he gets a scratch. It’s bound to happen… he’s a boy! He gets dirty and likes to play rough. Now that he’s walking with no problem… he hasn’t stopped for the past year!”

Jennifer bent down to BJ and lightly kissed him on the top of his head. “Are you giving your daddy fits?”

Justin only laughed and shook his head, grateful for his mother’s ability to lighten the mood. “Only by running all around the house, and ohh… let’s not forget the time he wanted to climb the ladder all the way up to the roof.”

“Daddy loves me.”

“Yes, I do, but you still are a little terror.” Justin laughed as he reached across to tickle the little boy. “Ohh why don’t you tell Grandma about the time you wanted to play Superman and fly off of your bed.”

BJ glanced up at his grandmother and gave her a small smile, trying to give her his best innocent look. “Daddy did it first.”

Jennifer laughed and shook her head. “Just like you and Molly.”

“How is Mol?”

“She said she will be out here just as soon as she gets out of school. She plans on kidnapping these two little ones for a day at the park.” Jennifer knew that Justin would worry. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his sister; it was that he wasn’t sure she could handle what might lie ahead if something were to happen. “I’ll be with her, so you don’t have to fret. Molly would never let anything happen.”

“It’s not that, Mom, and you know it. No one in this family would ever hurt them… well, no one that matters anyway. It’s everyone else that I’m worried about. It’s not like BJ hides who he is.” Justin hated that his son had no qualms about telling people about his ‘condition’. It had caused more than one problem over the years. He was thrilled that his son wasn’t ashamed, or trying to hide who he was… he only wished that others didn’t turn away when he told them he was sick. Not that BJ really knew what HIV meant, and Justin was not looking forward to the day when his children were old enough to know everything.

“Brian called me the other day.” Jennifer told Justin as she helped BJ with the jar of peanut butter.

Justin paused and stared at his mother. Justin, hearing the name come out of his mother’s mouth like it was an everyday occurrence, shook him to the core. “What?”

“Brian called me the other day. Asked how you were, and we talked for a little bit.”

“About what? You didn’t tell him I was moving to town did you?”

“He already knew, Justin. You have been on TV, if you remember.” Jennifer was beginning to wonder if even mentioning the older man’s name was the right thing. She knew, however, that Justin needed to know.. at least part of it. She had her own feelings as to what Brian might want with her son, that maybe Brian wanted to be a part of Justin’s life. She knew that as long as Justin was happy, she was. Brian was the only one, in her heart and mind, who could truly be there for her son. She only hoped that they both were up to the challenge. Cause it would be a challenge to say the least. 

“I didn’t think he watched Oprah. That’s why I picked that damn show. Fuck!”

“Fuck.” BJ mimicked. 

Justin gave a look to his son and shook his head. “I guess I’ll have to deal with that later. I have to get BJ and Malia set up again with their doctor, make sure he has all their recent records and stuff. It’s going to be a busy few days.” Justin couldn’t help but wonder what Brian might want, and if he could even see the older man again.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian drove slowly down the narrow country road peering at each mailbox to see if he could find Justin’s. He couldn’t imagine why Justin would want to live so far from the city, though he supposed ten minutes wasn’t a long drive. 

A mail box appeared down the road. It was brightly colored in rainbow hues. On it, carefully lettered were the words ‘the Taylors”. Bingo, Brian thought as he turned into the driveway. He was immediately faced with a strong iron gate that was firmly closed. Brian parked his car and got out; looking for a buzzer or someway to let Justin know that he was at the gate. He couldn’t see anything that even remotely resembled a buzzer. Looking through the gate, Brian could only see trees and more trees; the driveway disappeared around a bend. 

Hating to do it, Brian looked down at his Versace pants and his Prada boots and then up at the iron gate that showed signs of rust. The fence running along both sides was topped with barbed wire. Sighing heavily, Brian decided that the barbed wire was the lesser of the two evils because there was no rust to stain his clothing. He took the floor mat from the passenger side of his car and put it over the fence and then started to climb the fence. A loud noise like a gunshot startled him and he fell to the ground on the other side, a sickening rip filled the air and Brian knew his Versace pants were a lost cause.

He stared up at the blue sky and contemplated his stupidity. But shit, Justin would never answer is phone calls, of that he was sure.

“What are you doing Mr.? Are you a bad guy? Are you a robber?” 

Brian looked over at a small boy who stood a few feet from him. The boy held the paw of an old and well worn teddy bear and also a string with a broken balloon.

“Hi,” Brian said.

“Well Mr. are you a bad guy? My daddy says that there are lots of bad guys and I’m not supposed to talk to them. If you’re a bad guy I can’t talk to you.”

“No I’m not a bad guy.” 

“I guess that’s all in who you ask.” Justin drawled coming up behind his son. “BJ, you go on up to the house and keep an eye on your sister.”

“Do I have to?” he all but whined.

“BJ” Justin said quietly.

“Yes daddy.” He turned to Brian. “You’d better get out of here. My daddy will kick your ass.”

“BJ” Justin glared and his son scampered off between the trees.

“Do you mind telling me why you’d climb my fence rather than push the button that would open the gate?” Justin asked. “I mean you don’t seem to be the climb the fence kind of guy, though you might have changed.”

“Are you going to kick my ass?” Brian asked with a laugh as he stood up and brushed his pants off.

“You killed your pants.” Justin observed with a snicker. “Versace aren’t they?”

“It isn’t funny.” Brian looked down at the wide rip. “What the fuck was that noise, were you shooting at me?”

“Hardly, though the thought did cross my mind.” Justin smiled and Brian was reminded of the Sunshine smile of old. “No BJ’s balloon broke. We were on our way to see what you wanted.”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Ahhh, the age of technology.” Justin said as he pointed to a camera aimed at the gate. When he did, Brian saw the button Justin had been referring to.

“Are you going to at least invite me up to your house?” Brian asked.

“I guess,” Justin shrugged and turned around to walk back the way he’d come. “Why don’t you drive your car up? I don’t know how safe it is out there.” He turned back and handed Brian a remote device. “This will let you in the gate and it’ll shut it behind you. Drive slowly, there are kids around.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Do you have a cold or anything?” Justin asked when Brian got out of his car. Justin held a two year old on his hip and the other child was in a sand box playing with a truck, his teddy bear in the back of the dump truck.

“Shit Justin, I never get colds you know that.”

“Shit, shit, shit,” said the boy in the sandbox.

“BJ” Justin said his voice raised, Brian could hear the anxiety in his voice. The little girl began to cry. “Malia sweetie, it’s alright, daddy will get you a drink of juice and you’ll feel better.”

“Mali is sick today.” BJ said to Brian. 

Brian looked down surprised to see the boy at his side. “Mali is sick a lot.” He looked up at Brian. “We’ve got HIV.” 

Justin had taken his daughter into the house to get her a drink leaving Brian alone with BJ. 

“That sucks.” Brian said matter of factly.

“Yeah, it does.” BJ agreed. “I hate it. I have to take lots and lots of yucky pills and daddy says I can’t have a cat.”

“Well cats aren’t all that great.” Brian answered. “I see you have a bear.”

“His name is Brian.” BJ said. “He’s my very best friend in the whole world.”

“My name is Brian too.” 

“It is? That’s awesome. Daddy says that Brian means strong and brave and that every Brian that he ever knew was always a hero. That’s why my bear’s name is Brian, ‘cause he’s strong and brave and he’s a hero. I take him everywhere even to the hospital. Mali doesn’t have a bear, she’s got an elephant.”

“Your bear doesn’t have much fur.” Brian observed.

“That’s ‘cause I have asthma and bear fur is dusty.” BJ was matter of fact.

“What’s wrong with your sister?” Brian asked. He looked worriedly toward the house. 

“Not much, daddy just gets all jiggly when we sneeze. Mali sneezed three times today. I told daddy it was because she was under my bed, but he didn’t believe me.” BJ looked at Brian. “Mali was under my bed. She was being a kitty. Kitties go under the bed.”

Brian laughed. “I believe you. I bet your sister makes a good kitty.” 

“Sorry Brian, I had to get Mali a glass of juice.” Justin came back outside, this time with a small girl holding his hand.

Brian squatted down. “Hi Mali, I heard you were being a kitty today.”

She looked at him, her eyes solemn and then she looked at BJ and nodded. “Meow.” She answered and grinned at Brian. “Meow, meow, meow.” She ran over to her brother and licked his arm.

“Nice kitty,” BJ said. “Nice kitty kisses.” 

Justin rolled his eyes and looked at his kids and then at Brian. “How did you know?”

“BJ told me. He said Mali sneezed and you got all jiggly.” 

“You did daddy.” BJ said. He wiggled and looked worried. “Like this.” Wiggling again. 

“Strange childcare technique, wiggling, but whatever works Sunshine.” Brian drawled.

“What are you doing here?” Justin stalked over to an easel and picked up a brush. His brush strokes were harsh.

“You’ll mess up the picture if you keep that up Sunshine.” Brian walked over to Justin and stood for a moment looking over his shoulder at the painting. “I didn’t think you could improve, but you did. Considering how good you were years ago, you’re amazing now.”

Justin turned to look at Brian, his eyes filled with unshed tears. He tried to speak but couldn’t say anything. Brian held out his arms and Justin fell against Brian’s chest, his shoulders heaving as he quietly cried. And while he cried, he sucked into his body the strength and compassion he felt Brian radiating.

Brian watched the children playing in the sandbox while he held onto Justin. The familiar smell of Justin’s shampoo filled his head and it was all he could do not to turn Justin’s face to his and ravish the other man’s lips.

Justin closed his eyes, trying to gather his strength. When his mother had told him about Brian calling, he still didn’t want to give himself hope that the older man would even care to look him up. “So, how’d you find me?” Justin asked wanting to change the subject to a more neutral area.

Brian shrugged, as he sat down on a nearby bench, trying to make sure that Justin didn’t feel uncomfortable. He could see the tension in the younger man’s body, and the last thing Brian wanted to do was have Justin kick him out. He wanted to get to know Justin, wanted to try and be a part of the young man’s life, in whatever form. “You’re in the phone book.”

Justin nodded his head with a raised eye-brow. “I’ve been in the phone book for about 4 years now, Brian. You never once tried to look me up before.”

Brian could see that this wasn’t going to be simple, that Justin wasn’t going to allow anyone in who would hurt him, or his family. Brian didn’t want Justin to think that he would… not now. “Okay… I begged your mother to give me the information.”

Justin laughed a little as he shook his head. “See, truth is the way things should work, Brian. Plus a little begging is good for the soul, or so they say. Since when did you and my mom start getting along? Last thing I knew you two hated each other.”

“I wouldn’t say hate. We didn’t always see eye to eye, but I have… and do respect her. Nothing can change that. I was the man who took her baby away, and she was the woman who wouldn’t stand up to your father. Times change, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about things.”

Justin could only stand there and stare at Brian, wondering just what the other man had thought about. “Before you get too attached to anything, there’s something I have to tell you.” Taking a deep breath, Justin sat up straight and stared Brian right in the eye. “Both BJ and Malia are HIV positive. It’s like with Vic in their care, only a lot stricter. Clean hands, clean house, so on and so forth. They know that they … well that they have something in them that can make them sick, HIV doesn’t really mean anything to them yet, but when they are old enough they will be told. No one is to mention that this could kill them around them, or could make them really sick. Positive happy thoughts only. They will know all about it in time, but for now both Mom and I agree that we want them to live a happy, loved life.”

Brian’s admiration of Justin increased ten fold. He was proud that Justin was laying down the law, so to speak, and that the young man wouldn’t allow anyone hurt the two children playing in the sandbox near-by. “Whatever ground rules you set, I will follow. How much do they know? I mean, BJ told me that they had HIV… do they know what it means?”

“Enough. I won’t lie to them; I won’t tell them that they will never get sick, that they won’t be treated differently. Cause we both know that it would be a lie.” Justin leaned back against the chair, staring down at the ground to gather himself. The thought that he might one day lose either one of the children tore him up, but he kept telling himself that he had to be positive, that he had to be strong for them. “If they ask a question, I try to answer it so they can understand. It’s not easy, but we get by. And I can tell you, the questions are getting harder and harder as they get older.”

“Gus is the same way… with the questions that is.” Brian slowly walked up the stairs to stand in front of the blond. 

Justin looked down at his watch and shook his head. “Hey, you two. Time to go inside and get ready for lunch. You can say for lunch if you want. I warn you… Molly’s cooking, and the place is covered with toys. Grandma has a little problem with saying no to them. Hence the balloon that I am now going to have to find a replacement for… and fast.” Justin opened the door and led Brian inside. Never in his wildest dreams would he have thought that Brian Kinney would be in his home. He had wanted it, but never held out hope that the man would even try to find him. 

Brian walked behind Justin, taking in the colorful house. Every inch of the place warmed him deep inside, and he knew that Justin had wanted it that way, had planned it that way. Justin had always wanted a home, one that was warm, welcoming, and full of love. Brian could see that Justin had got his wish. He only wished that he could have been a part of it all. 

“Daddy! Malia’s playing with my twuck.”

Justin turned to glance at Brian and rolled his eyes. Walking into the living room, Justin saw the ciaos that the two had caused in his absence. “Where’s Molly? And I thought I told you to get ready for lunch”

“She went potty. Daddy, tell Malia to give me back my twuck.” BJ stood in the middle of the room with his hand on his hip, staring at his father. 

“Both of you, clean hands and get ready for lunch. No toys until after.” Justin went over and started to clean a spot on the couch for Brian to sit. 

“You know, BJ, I have a son a little older than you. Maybe one day I can bring him over and you can play.” Brian told the two young children. Seeing the smile on their lips he couldn’t help but be proud at what Justin had accomplished. 

Quickly BJ ran across the room to pick up the truck that Malia had discarded, causing the young girl to start to cry. “What did you do?” Molly asked as she stepped back into the living room. “And lunch is almost ready.”

“Your nephew and niece are fighting over a truck. If you had lunch ready we could have prevented this… but noooooo….” Justin gave his sister a small smile as he stood from the couch. “And now that you’re here, you can fix this and get them ready to eat. Can I talk to you for a minute Brian?”

Brian nodded as he watched Molly try to calm the two arguing children. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had ever been that close to Claire growing up. “You’ve done good, Justin. They seem very happy.”

“They are.” Justin led Brian onto the back porch and turned to face the man who had once been his everything. “Brian, I don’t want to sound rude or anything, but I don’t want you making promises to the kids that you won’t keep.”

“What?” Brian asked leaning up against the side of the house. He didn’t understand where Justin was coming from, and felt insulted that he would think that Brian would do that. “I would never… I have always kept my promises and I don’t plan on changing that anytime soon.”

“We haven’t seen each other in 5 years, Brian. You can’t expect to just waltz back in and think that everything will be okay. We both made mistakes, big ones… but I can’t get into anything now. I have them to think about.” Justin sat on the ledge surrounding the porch. “I have stayed out of your life…everyone’s life for the past 5 years because of what I did, and how I went about it. I figured it would be easier that way then forcing them to take sides. No matter what I may or may not feel, or what I want, I can’t do anything about it. I have them, and I won’t let anyone come into their lives that could hurt them.”

“Who says I would hurt them? Christ Justin, I wouldn’t do that.”

“I know you wouldn’t intentionally do that. But the life-style you’ve led, the way things have been… I don’t want them hearing stories about that type of thing. They have enough shit to deal with, and I can’t have them overhearing about your latest exploit.” Justin shrugged, and brought his lower lip into his mouth. “I know you’ve changed, Brian. I know… I may not have been around, but I still wanted to know you were okay. I know you don’t do that sort of thing that often, but once is enough. Please understand that I can’t have that around my children.”

“I would never do anything to subject them to anything like that. All I want to do is have Gus see them, get to know them. Is that so fucking wrong?” Brian tried to reign in his anger at Justin’s words. He couldn’t believe that Justin would ever think he would hurt the children, or him. He knew he hadn’t been the best boyfriend in the world, but he thought that Justin knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t’ do that. “All I’m asking for here, Justin is a chance to be a part of your life. Friend, whatever. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Justin stood there thinking about what Brian was offering. Could he have Brian in his life as a friend, having him around with Gus like they were a family. Could his heart handle the pain he knew he would go through? “Okay… just… don’t hurt us, okay. That’s all I ask. We’ll see how it goes, one day at a time. Cause that’s all I can think about right now. One day at a time.”

“You won’t be sorry.” Brian held out his hand for Justin wanting to ‘seal the deal’. “What do you say? Friend?”

Justin reached across the distance and the instant his hand touched Brian he knew he would be making a serious mistake, and that his heart was now on the line. He only hoped that Brian wouldn’t go back on his word and unintentionally hurt him. “Friend.”