Are You Ready For Love?
Plot bunny by Stephanie M 
Author: Bryant Maclagan

Chapter 2 - 

Brian sat at the booth in the diner, sipping his coffee. It had been almost two days since he had last seen Justin, and Brian was already trying to think of a reason for stopping by. He never thought he could be more proud of Justin than he was now, never thought that he could admire the younger man more than he did when they last saw each other, but Brian knew that in just the few hours he had spent with Justin, everything he felt for the man grew. Justin had done well for himself since they departed years ago. Brian hadn’t been lying when he told Justin that his art was completely breathtaking. Justin had always been good, exceptional, but now nothing could compare.

Then there were the kids. Brian couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like for Justin. How Justin could handle the two small children on his own. If the children were perfectly healthy, it would be one thing, but since both were positive, Brian wasn’t sure if he could do it. Hiding the small smile that was threatening to break out across his face with his coffee cup, Brian thought back to the two children. They were so full of life, so happy that it cut Brian deeply knowing that at any moment the drugs could stop working and that they could die. 

Shaking those thoughts from his mind, Brian decided to follow Justin’s rules. Only positive thoughts were allowed when it came to the children. Brian had to believe in his heart that nothing bad would happen to them. In just those few hours he had fallen for them, and fallen hard. Besides Justin, they were the bravest people he knew. To have this disease and to still live and play and be happy… Brian wasn’t sure if he would feel the same way. Deciding that he would have to talk to someone and get some information, Brian thought of his schedule. He wanted to talk to Vic, since he was the only person he knew who had lived this long with this thing. Ben, maybe, since the man seemed to have a great regime on keeping healthy. Hell, Brian could also talk to Hunter. Get some idea what it’s like for a kid. 

So many things he wanted to do, needed to do. Brian wasn’t sure he could fit it all in. He wanted to know everything before he saw Justin and the kids again, wanted to prove to Justin that he wasn’t kidding, that he was serious about wanting to be a part of their lives. Jennifer had hinted that Justin had been alone since he adopted BJ, and that no one he’d met could deal with the problems of HIV positive children. Brian didn’t plan on being one of those men. 

“Do you believe that it was Justin? Our Justin… Will wonders never cease.” Emmett stated as he lifted his fork up to his lips. 

“He’s not OUR Justin. The little shit left. Left us all hanging with nothing. He completely ditches Rage and I am supposed to be happy that he went off and became some famous writer?” Michael shook his head, and leaned back against the back of the booth. “Don’t look to me to throw him any fucking parties.”

Deb came up to the table to refill the boys’ cups, and shook her head. “Justin’s been through hell and back since he came out. I’m damn proud of him. And to think of that school… I know I for one will support that any day of the week.”

“They say that the school is built, but they are having problems with the school board and the city government getting final approval.” Ted sat next to Emmett eating his eggs. Shrugging, Ted thought of his own years at school, and shook his head. “I hope it works out. If someone can be surrounded by people who are similar to them, without the hassles from the jocks…”

“No bashings.” Emmett whispered remembering not only his own school years, but what happened that night years ago to Justin. Giving a small smile, Emmett glanced up at Brian. “Did any else catch the little comments about Brian here?”

“Emmett.” Michael warned, stealing a quick glance over at the other man. The last thing he wanted was to remind Brian about the twink who walked away from him, embarrassing him in front of everyone. “It was years ago, and I’m sure that it doesn’t matter one bit.”

”Hmmmm.” Emmett closed his mouth as he continued to stare at Brian. “You’ve been awfully quiet, Brian.”

Brian glanced up from his cup and shrugged. “If you have a intelligent conversation, then maybe I’ll join in.” Feeling the phone in his pocket vibrate, Brian pulled it out. Standing from the table, Brian threw some money and began to walk out. “Hello.”

“Brian, it’s me.”

“Hey, what’s up?” Brian couldn’t stop the smile that crept up at the sound of Justin’s voice. “Everything alright with the kids?”

“Huh? Oh they are fine… well mostly. I am just wondering if you knew a place where I could take them for… say an hour or so.” Brian could hear Justin running around the house and the sound of clothes being pulled on. “They moved the meeting with the school board up to … shit an hour. I can’t get in touch with mom, and Molly’s at school. I can’t take them to day care, cause Mali is still not feeling well, and I don’t have time to explain to them what needs to be done… Please tell me you know somewhere that I can take them. A place you take Gus… something.”

“Don’t worry about it…”

“Normally I wouldn’t ask, but I’m desperate. I need to take them somewhere, and I know that Gus went to daycare. Do you think they will take them for an hour or two? Dammit, this meeting was supposed to be tomorrow, and mom was going to take the day off… fuck! BJ, please buddy, help your sister get dressed.” Brian could hear the near panic in Justin’s voice, and knew that if the young man was going to do anything productive, he had to calm down. Unfortunately, Justin wasn’t letting him get a word in edgewise. “They are doing this on purpose. I just fucking know it. I’m not ready, and now I have to find somewhere to take them. If I could take them with me, I would. Fuckers!”

“Calm down.” Brian said with a slightly loud, but calming voice trying to get Justin’s attention. “Do I have your attention now?”

“Yes.” Justin’s small voice came across the phone. 

Brian moved to his car, and started to pull out into the street. “I can come over there, or you can bring them to the loft or hell even Kinnetic. I’ll watch them while you go.”

“I can’t ask you to do that, Brian. That’s not why I called. Fuck!”

“I know it’s not what you were asking, but I’m offering. I don’t think that an hour or two will kill me, or the kids. I own my own fucking business; I can take a couple of hours off, no problem. Nothing’s going on this morning, so it won’t be a problem. So which do you prefer? Me coming there, which I can be there in a half an hour, or you coming here?” Brian could hear complete silence on the other end, and knew that Justin was trying to decide what was best, and if he could actually go through with this. “You can’t miss this meeting. So let me help.”

“How clean is your place?” Justin asked, and Brian could almost see the small smile on the man’s lips over the phone.

“The cleaning lady was there yesterday. I can quickly do a little clean-up and be ready for them when you come by.”

Justin took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Okay. Thanks, Brian. I can’t thank-you enough.”

“Just get your ass in the car, and bring the kids over here. Take care of your meeting, and don’t worry about it. See you soon.” Brian hung up the phone so that Justin could finish getting the kids ready. Quickly, Brian placed a call to Cynthia telling her to quickly re-arrange the meeting he had set for that morning for later that afternoon, or the next day, telling her that he had some personal things that he couldn’t get out of. Cynthia didn’t ask anything, knowing her boss as well as she did, agreed and went to work her magic. 

Now all Brian had to do was make sure his place was ready for the two children.

On the way to his loft he called the service that did his grocery shopping and arranged for them to deliver to his loft an assortment of things he thought the kids might like including juice and milk. He made sure he specified organic products. Brian wasn’t taking any chances, after all what was money for than to spend on kids.

When he arrived at the loft he did a quick run through to make sure that Justin would approve of its cleanliness. He’d been telling the truth when he said that the cleaning lady had just been. But he hadn’t mentioned the fact that he rarely went out these days and never had tricks over ever. Somehow after Justin had left, any tricks at the loft only made things worse for Brian. It hadn’t been worth it. So the loft really didn’t get dirty even between visits from the cleaning lady.

When the buzzer rang downstairs Brian smiled to himself. “Hey, you could have used your key.” He said into the intercom as he pushed the button to open the door. 

Justin pulled open the elevator door. He had both children by their hands and a familiar looking backpack over his shoulder. “How did you know I still had the key?” Justin asked before the elevator door had opened fully. 

Brian stood back and grinned. “I know you Sunshine.” Was all he said. 

“You could have changed the alarm code.” Justin walked into the open loft door.

“And take the chance that you’d be locked out if you ever came home?” Brian hated that his voice sounded as desperate as the words felt.

Justin rolled his eyes. “I wrote down everything you need to know. I shouldn’t be longer than an hour and half if that. I really do appreciate this Brian, you have no idea.”

“Oh I think I do Sunshine.” Brian replied. He took picked up Malia and wiped her nose with a tissue. “Hey baby girl, do you have a cold or is it allergies like your daddy?”

“We aren’t sure what it is. The doctors don’t know.” Justin looked at Brian holding Malia. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Justin get your butt out the door. I’m fine and so are the kids. I promise not to do anything weird and I gave up eating babies when I turned thirty if you’ll recall.”

“Very funny Brian.” Justin looked worried as Malia began to cry when she realized her daddy was going. “I won’t be long Mali” he leaned over and kissed her. His head was so close to Brian’s that Brian kissed Justin’s temple softly.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.” He murmured when Justin looked at him. Justin turned to BJ. “Brian is going to watch you and your sister BJ, I won’t be long.”

“That’s okay daddy, Brian Bear is here.” He held up his bear. “And I have trucks.” He had spied Gus’ old toys.

“I washed them off. “ Brian said to Justin’s enquiring eyes. “Now go.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
“Is there any more business on the table?” the head of the school board asked. He tried to control his smirk. He’d arranged for the meeting to be moved forward knowing full well that Justin Taylor would unlikely be able to attend. He’d done his homework well and knew that the man had two small children at home with no home help.

“There is the matter of Justin Taylor and his proposal for an alternative school for young men and women who are unsure of their sexuality.” Surprisingly enough the voice was that of one of the older members of the school board.

“Mr. Taylor hasn’t seen fit to attend this meeting. I feel that we have spent enough time here today. His request will have to be held over for our next monthly meeting.” The chairman raised his gavel to declare the meeting over when suddenly the doors to the conference room opened and Justin appeared inside slightly breathless.

“Sorry I’m late, but apparently the conference room had been changed for your meeting and I didn’t get the memo.” Justin walked into the room radiating a confidence that he didn’t feel. “I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Justin Taylor.” He continued to walk toward the group waiting expectantly. Handing them each a prospectus he said. “You’ll see that my qualifications for running this school are broad. I graduated at the top of my class from Saint James Academy and then went on to graduate with honors from PIFA. I also have a MBA from Dartmouth.” He looked at them. “I am also a gay man who suffered his high school years in fear and intimidation. I want to give the opportunity of a decent high school education to kids who are gay, lesbian, transgendered or questioning.”

“We have more than enough high schools in the Pittsburgh area now. Some of which are private schools like Saint James Academy. I really don’t think we need to have another one.” Began the chairman. “Besides, kids have no idea of their sexuality at that age. You need to grow into it.’

“This is ridiculous, children should be in school to learn not to be doing abnormal sexual practices.” This came from a young man sitting at the end of the table.

Before Justin could add his rebuttal, the old lady who had originally wanted to wait for Justin stood up. “Young man, I knew from the time I was twelve years old that I preferred girls to men. I’m sure that this young man knew his own preference at an early age as well. I didn’t dare say a word to anyone and I have lived my life up to now in fear that someone would find out. Well enough is enough. I applaud Mr. Taylor for putting his money to such a good use. He will make the life of these children in Pittsburgh so much richer than it would have been otherwise. And maybe, just maybe the bigots in this city will discover that being gay or lesbian or transgendered isn’t anything that can be helped but rather the way they were born.” She glared at all of them and then sat down.

“Why don’t you all take a few minutes to read my prospectus? I’ll just wait here and then maybe you could vote on it.” Justin knew he was overstepping his bounds when he stepped in and suggested this, but he was desperate. 

The chairman began to splutter, but the rest of the board smiled at Justin and opened up the folders in front of them. “Excuse me Mr. Taylor, but why weren’t we given this information earlier. It doesn’t leave us much time to review it.” Asked a nervous looking man as he glanced at his folder.

“A copy for all of you was sent to the school board more than a month ago. It was sent to the chairman’s attention.”

“Yet you brought in additional copies.” The man continued looking pointedly at the chairman.

“Yes, I thought maybe I should.” Justin smiled. “Despite the Boy Scouts stance regarding homosexuals, I was a Boy Scout once and I do believe in their motto of “Be prepared”. He smiled. “A good friend made sure I remembered it when I became an adult.”

A chuckle went around the room. The chairman stood up. “The board will need until the next meeting to study this prospectus.”

Justin stood up and faced him. “You know Mr. Chairman, that I don’t require sanction from the school board to open this school. Under state law, as long as the curriculum requirements set by the state are met, private schools can operate. I have zoning permission from the city of Pittsburgh for my school on Liberty Avenue. The only reason I came to the board was to be accepted into the district school boards area governing bussing and league games such as basketball, football and anything else. I dodn’t want to have the children miss out on these activities with the other city schools.” He looked at each of the members in turn. “I am in the process of hiring teachers and despite everything, the Liberty School of Pittsburgh will open in thirty days with or without your sanction. Quite frankly, I’m questioning whether a school board run by a bigot is a good thing to want to be part of.” He picked up his brief case. “I’ll let you all get on with your day while I get on with mine.” Justin began to walk out of the room.

“Mr. Taylor” the older woman spoke up. “Have you hired an English teacher yet?” 

Justin turned around. “No, not yet. I do have a couple of applications though.” 

“I’d like you to consider me. I taught English here in Pittsburgh for thirty years. There are still a few good years left in me. I would enjoy coming out of retirement and helping this school get a good start.” She smiled. “My name is Elizabeth Snell, oh and I’m not too bad as an Physical Education assistant.” 

“What about the school board?” 

“You hire me and I’ll tender my resignation immediately.” 

“Cool” Justin grinned and dug into his pocket for a business card. “Give me a call on Monday and we’ll meet and discuss your lesson plans. You’ll have quite a variety of ages to teach. Welcome to Liberty.” 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When the loft door slid open, Justin was greeted with the sight of his two children playing on the floor with all of Gus’ old toys. He was glad that Brian had been able to calm Mali after he left, since the young girl didn’t want her daddy to leave. It was always harder for all of them when one wasn’t feeling well, but Justin knew that he couldn’t put everything on hold, not when it came to their very future. 

“She’s still sniffling and sneezing all the damn time,” Brian said as he headed over to the fridge to pull out two bottles of water, handing one to Justin as he made his way back to the children on the floor. “Do you think she should see the doctor or something?”

Justin smiled at the picture before him, and knew that it was a look that he would most definitely have to put to paper as soon as he got back home. Brian with his jacket off, sleeves rolled up, looking good enough to eat in Justin’s opinion. It wasn’t until he saw Brian move back over to the floor with the children did he feel his heart constrict painfully. Brian had one of the trucks in hand and was chasing after the ones in BJ’s hand as Mali chased after both of them with a small police car. He had always known that Brian was a good father, despite the other man’s belief, but he had never been graced with seeing Brian play with Gus. Not like this. He had left before Gus was younger than Mali.

“I took her yesterday. They say it’s nothing, just to keep an eye on it. More meds is always the answer, it seems.” Justin came up to the three on the floor and placed his hand on Mali’s forehead to check her temperature. “She doesn’t have a fever, which is good. Granted it still doesn’t ease the worry any.”

Brian stood up, grabbing Justin’s arm and moved them to the computer desk so they could talk in some privacy. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Last night… the night before.” Justin shook his head, and shrugged. “A little. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for this. I did all the research, knew everything that the ‘experts’ tell us to do. What they left out is the fear that you go through. The worry. The littlest thing, Brian…something that to us would be nothing could be very serious with them. Hell, I can’t tell you how many cleaning ladies I’ve gone through cause they miss a spot, or don’t get things ‘clean enough.’” Justin gave a small laugh as he sat down on the edge of the desk.

“I’ll give you the number for mine. You know she gets into every nook and cranny.” Brian lightly tapped Justin’s knee trying to bring a smile to his ex-lover’s face.

“Yeah, I remember.” Justin straightened up a little and glanced over at the two children on the floor. “I know I can’t protect them from everything, but I can’t help but wonder what life will be like when they start school. Do I send them to a public school? Private? Home school? I don’t want them to be isolated, but I know I’ve fucked that all up now.”

“How so?”

Justin glanced over at Brian and rolled his eyes. “Before I had them safe from the spotlight, so to speak. No one knew who I was, so in essence, they didn’t know about them. Now…”

Brian rolled his lower lip into his mouth and nodded. “Now you’ve come out, in a way and everyone knows that Justin Taylor is BJ Amore.”

“Yep. I didn’t even realize it until today really. It never crossed my mind, and it should have.”

“You didn’t know… hell no one knows what can happen from day to day. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” Brian laid his hand on Justin’s knee letting the younger man take some strength from him, letting Justin know that he was there for him… for them.

Justin took a deep breath and shrugged. “I try not to, but I will always wonder you know. It never crossed my mind that if I told everyone who I really was that it would affect them. Well it crossed my mind, but … I don’t know.”

“So why did you?” It was something that had been bugging Brian since he had seen the show. Why did Justin decide now to tell everyone who he was? Why did he in effect let them all know about his life, and what he felt? Cause Brian had no doubt in his mind just where Justin’s heart was, and where his priorities were. He was just grateful that he had a section of Justin’s heart as well, if the books were any indication. 

Justin looked down at the bottle in his hand and laughed. “Actually my mother.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She reminded me of something that I had forgotten, something that I had lost a long time ago.” Justin didn’t want to get into when he lost it, cause he wasn’t quite ready to open that can of worms. Not yet, and maybe not ever. He didn’t want Brian to know about the nightmares he still had, and that the children were not the only reason why he didn’t sleep at night. He didn’t want Brian to know that one of the reasons was because his bed was just entirely too big for just him, and there was only one other person he wanted to share it with. One person who could make the nightmares go away, and make him feel safe.

Brian could see the wheels turning inside the blond, and he wondered where Justin’s mind was at. “What was that?” He decided to ask instead, wanting to keep Justin there as long as possible. If Justin wanted to share his private thoughts then he would. Brian knew that they weren’t at that point yet, things were still too new.

“She reminded me of this seventeen-year-old who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Who didn’t care if people didn’t like who he was, and who stood up for what he believed in. A young man who saw what he wanted and went for it. Someone who would fight the system to get what he felt was his right to have.” Justin gave Brian a small shy smile. Standing, Justin headed over to where the children were. “Anyway, I better get them home. I have stacks of resumes to go through, and people to interview if I want to get this thing started next month.”

Brian caught the sudden change of topic, and felt the loss. He wanted Justin to stay, but was refusing to push… yet anyway. He would give Justin some time, then he would go after what he wanted, what they both wanted. “So they went for it.”

“Well not really, but it’s not like I really need their permission. I would have liked it, so that the kids can be a part of the ‘system’s’ events, and whatnot… but I didn’t need it. I guess it’s just as well.” Justin went over and started to collect the small bags of things that he had brought with him. “I really can’t thank-you enough, Brian. For watching them. I don’t know where I would have been.”

“Not a problem. You can call on me anytime. I’m here for you.”

“But you have a business to run, and I won’t interfere with that. I don’t want anyone to put their lives on hold for us. That’s my job, not yours.” Justin told Brian, not catching the pained look on the other man’s face at the words. “Anyway… I will just have to take you out to dinner sometime. To thank-you properly.”

“We could do that Friday night. I’m free.”

Justin stood and glanced at Brian and shrugged. “I’ll let you know. Thanks. Give Brian a big hug and kiss and thank him for watching you.” Justin told his children.

Brian held both of the two kids tightly in his arms, suddenly feeling like he didn’t want them to go. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Later, Brian. Thank-you.” BJ grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand in one and Mali’s in the other as he led the three out of the door. “See you soon!” Justin said. BJ broke free from his hand and ran back to Brian for another hug. 

“Bye Brian, I like your hugs, they are better than Brian Bear’s.” the boy smiled up at Brian. He gave him a quick kiss and then ran back to his father who stood with moist eyes watching.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian stood at the loft door and listened for the elevator to reach the bottom. His arms ached to hold Justin and the kids. When he heard the distant sound of the main door closing, Brian finally turned and headed inside. 

He picked up his phone and called Cynthia. “Hey Cynthia, do you remember that client who had the housekeeper and nanny that she was going to have to let go?”

“You mean Mrs. Lions?” Cynthia asked. “She seemed really down, but the kids were grown….. “ Cynthia’s voice trailed off. “Why?” she asked.

“Can you get me her number? I think I found a job for her.” Brian gathered up his jacket and brief case. “If she still needs the work, have her come in and see me. See if you can set up an appointment today.”

“That’s short notice Brian.”

“So?” Brian disconnected and headed out the door. 

At four o’clock that afternoon, Cynthia ushered in a woman who looked to be in her fifties. “Brian, this is Nonna Gibbons.”

Brian stood up and held out his hand to shake. “I’m glad to meet you Mrs. Gibbons.”

She shook his hand. “It’s Miss, but you can call me Nonna, everyone does. I understand you have a reason for me to come out of retirement?”

Brian liked her immediately, her face was wreathed in smiles and laugh lines and her no nonsense approach suited him just fine. “That I do. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, there are only so many pieces of needlework and soap operas that one can do before their mind turns to mush.” She laughed. “Tell me about this job.”

“You’d be employed by a man called BJ Amour or Justin Taylor, have you heard of him?”

“Of course, everyone knows BJ Amour, I have all his books. I didn’t know he had children.”

“Justin has two children, but they are both HIV positive and require special care. As well their environment needs to be kept cleaner than most. Does this bother you?”

“What the cleaning or the kids?”

“Either one”

She looked at him incredulous that he’d ask. “I won’t justify that with an answer.”

“Great, you’ve got the job if you want it.”

“I think maybe I should talk to Justin Taylor, don’t you?” she asked.

“Damn, I mean darn, yes, you’re right. Somehow I always seem to want to do things for the twink.”

“I hardly think BJ Amour is a twink.” Her eyes sparkled. 

“Can you come with me now?” Brian asked. “I’ll take you over there. Justin could use all the help he can get as soon as possible. I think it could be a live in position would you mind that?”

“No, I don’t mind.” She stood up ready to go.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian, now familiar with Justin’s gated entry soon found himself driving slowly up the winding driveway. “Sorry, but the kids could be out. I need to keep my speed down.”

“I understand.” Nonna Gibbons said.

Finally Brian pulled up in front of the old farm house. “Brian, Brian Bear” BJ yelled and ran over to Brian who scooped him up in his arms and gave him a hug while he growled like a bear, causing BJ to giggle. 

“Nonna this is BJ.” 

“Hi BJ” she said.

BJ buried his head in Brian’s neck and said hi back, his voice shy. “Where’s your dad and your sister?” Brian asked.

“Daddy and Mali are in the house, Mali had to go potty.” BJ declared. “She’s scared to go in the house by herself.”

“Well the world is a scary place when you’re two.” Brian told him. 

“Hey Brian.” Justin and Malia came out of the door.

“Hey Sunshine, I brought you a present.” Brian said with a smile. “This is Nonna Gibbons. She’s a certified nanny and a meticulous housekeeper. I was hoping that if BJ and Malia liked her, that maybe she could move in and look after the kids.”

“Brian” Justin’s voice cautioned. He’d barely been back in Brian’s life a week and already the man was trying to run his. 

“Don’t go there Sunshine. This is your decision. I found Nonna on a recommendation from a client. You could use some good reliable and trustworthy help with the kids and Nonna is willing.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Taylor, Mr. Kinney interviewed me, but I wasn’t aware that you didn’t know about it until later.” She looked at BJ and Malia. “The children are lovely and I really am qualified. My previous employer had a child with Cystic Fibrosis, so I understand children with medical problems.”

Justin like that she didn’t refer to the kids as ‘sick’ and he liked her well modulated voice and manner. “Come on in Nonna” he said with a smile. “I’m sure Brian would love to play with the kids while we talk.” 

He handed Mali to Brian. She put her arms around his neck and snuggled close. “Bwian Bear” she whispered softly making him smile. Brian never thought that he could love two children who were not his own. Hell, he never thought that he could love one that was. But in the week since he had first seen the two children, Brian knew he could never let them down, that he had to be a part of their lives. Now if he could only convince Justin of that fact.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Justin walked Brian out to his car after the interview with Nonna and leaned against the ‘Vette. He felt conflicted when it came to his feelings toward Brian. On one hand he was thrilled that Brian was acting so out of character, that he was so willing to force himself into Justin’s life. But on the other hand, it made Justin feel like he was seventeen again, needing someone to take care of him. He knew that he would have to one day sit Brian down and go over some ground rules, but for now, he decided that a little warning would be good. If Brian followed the warning, then they could avoid the potentially painful discussion that would occur. It was not a discussion that Justin was looking forward to having, since he would have to reveal things that he didn’t want Brian to know. He couldn’t put himself in that position again.

“I really appreciate everything you’re doing, Brian. I really am.” Justin leaned against the car with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“But…” Brian moved to sit beside Justin, close enough to touch. Brian had to resist the temptation of running his fingers through Justin’s hair, of pulling Justin toward him and kissing him.

“But…” Justin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t need you to take care of me. I have done perfectly well for the past five years without your help, and I plan on continuing to make it without help. I’m not saying a little is nice once in a while, but I don’t want you to try and take over. I don’t need you to find someone to be a live-in nanny. We’ve only been back in each other’s lives for a week, Brian. Can’t you let me come to terms with that first before you try and shove this shit down my throat. Can’t you learn that if you think something needs to be done or whatever, that you will have the thought of consulting me if it concerns me or my kids.” 

“I didn’t think, okay. And it worked out in the long run. Justin,” Brian turned slightly so he could look Justin in the face. “You have to admit you need help. Today should have shown you that. I’m not saying that you’re a bad father, because I don’t think you are. Those kids prove that you’re not. But once in a while a man needs to know when to ask for help.”

“Christ, Brian. Can we not bring old mottos back into this?” Justin ran his hand through his hair, and closed his eyes. “I’m just saying, next time talk to me before you decide you know what’s best, okay? That’s what friends do, they talk. I know we’ve never been good at that, but that’s what we are now. Friends.” Justin wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince more, himself or Brian. He wanted - had wanted - Brian for so long that he wanted nothing more than have Brian back in his life, and in his heart. But Justin knew he couldn’t do that… not yet. Too much time had passed, and too many changes had gone on in their lives. They had to get to know one another again before Justin would even consider it. 

“I’m trying, Justin. I really am.”

“I know you are and that’s why I’m not too pissed off. I’m upset, but I know where you’re coming from, and I know the type of man you are. You like to take care of people, and want the best for them, but I have to do that for myself too. I have to look out, and care for, those two small kids in there. And no one can help me with that, no matter how hard they try. They are my responsibility, one I take very seriously.” Justin moved back to sit next to Brian, gathering his thoughts. “Do you really know what it’s like, Brian? Caring for someone who’s positive? What it really means?”

“I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time with Vic and Ben… and hell, Michael’s little ward is also positive. So yes, Justin I know what it consists of.” Brian tried to keep the hurt out of his voice at the thought that Justin didn’t think he was prepared for what could happen. The thought that Justin didn’t think he could handle it, or didn’t know what to do. 

“It’s different with children Brian, and it’s different when you are around it every day, every second. Ask Vic what it’s like taking the pills every day. What it’s like knowing that at one moment it could all end. Once you can fully understand what it’s like, then look at what it’s like for Deb, or anyone who has to stand by and watch. Who has to make sure that they get their pills, or look for the signs of something that could be a problem. I have to deal with it every day, Brian.” Justin rested his hand on Brian’s arm, giving it a firm squeeze. “What you have seen this past week, Brian is nothing. Nothing. This has been one of the best weeks for all of us. Ask them, and find out. See them when they are cranky, or have sores, or get sick from the meds. See them when they just don’t have the energy to get out of bed, or they can’t keep anything down. When you know, when you can look me in the eye and say that without a doubt you could stand by and watch them die, then and only then will I let you help with the decision process. Cause every damn day they are dying a little bit. The medication is not a cure.”

Justin turned and walked back into the house, leaving Brian to think about what he had said. He hoped that Brian would talk to Vic or someone. Brian had to know more than the few short visits with people could offer. No matter what, Justin wanted Brian in his life, he just wanted Brian prepared for the worst case scenario. That was when he knew he would need Brian the most. He only hoped the man could be there if it ever happened.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian opened the door for Vic, grateful that the older man had come right over. “I can say it’s good to see you, but I can’t help but wonder what this is all about. It sounded urgent.” Vic stated as he came into the loft and sat down across from Brian on the couch. 

Brian handed Vic a bottle of water and tried to think of just what he was doing. He knew if he wanted to be a part of Justin’s life he would have to try and find out what the blond wanted him to know. He didn’t understand what the big deal was, since everyone knew what happened to someone who is positive. They had all lived with it through Vic and now Ben and Hunter. What more could he know?

What angered Brian was that Justin wouldn’t allow him to find out. Brian knew he would never know without being there for Justin and the kids. He would never know unless he was put in the position, but Justin wasn’t allowing that. “You know that Justin’s back in town right?”

Vic nodded as he leaned back in his chair. “I remember hearing that through the gay-grapevine. I shouldn’t be surprised that you knew he was.” Vic had always been a supporter of Brian and Justin together, and had felt terrible when it hadn’t worked out. He had high hopes for the two young men. ‘Maybe there is still hope,’ Vic thought.

“What I am about to tell you, I need you to promise me that you won’t tell anyone else. Not Deb, not Rodney… no one.” Brian didn’t want the gang to get involved, wanted time to get to know Justin again before everyone tried to add their two cents in. He knew that if everyone knew, then they would be knocking down Justin’s door trying to ‘help him’ with the kids, and as he was finding out now, that was something that Justin would NOT allow happen. 

Vic leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “Now I’m intrigued. What we say here will never leave my lips. It’s safe with me.”

Brian nodded as he stood from his spot on the couch. Walking over to the window, Brian looked out at the Pittsburgh skyline. “I’ve been spending some time with him.”

“That’s great. I had always hoped that the two of you could work things out.”

“He has two kids.” Brian turned to see Vic’s shocked look on his face. “They are both HIV positive babies.”

“How is he handling it? Who’s helping him?”

“He’s done it on his own… well his mother has helped. He’s keeping positive.”

“And you want to know what?” Vic asked sitting back in the chair to look at the man he had often considered a son. “Let me tell you about what I know. When I go to my support meeting there are times when a parent of a HIV positive child will be at the meetings. They are always different than the others of us who are in there for a number of reasons. They may not be positive themselves, but they have an understanding that no one else can. Sometimes they have it harder than us. Why? Because they have to live with the fact that they will most likely out-live their children. They have to deal with more things than someone like Ben.”

“When you’re my age, or Ben’s, we’ve lived a long life. We made a choice, whether it was a mistake that happened, a fluke whatever… we lived our lives and we knew the risks. Those children didn’t have a choice.” Vic always felt a sharp pain in his heart every time a parent went to the meetings. He knew what he went through, and he couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for a parent to watch their children go through that every day. “What’s their T-cell count? What medications are they taking? Are they taking the liquids or just pills? How much, and how often do they take them? Are they taking multi-vitamins as well? Do they take them with food or not with food?”

“I don’t know.” Brian ran his hand through his hair. “I know it can’t be easy. I’ve seen you enough to know that it’s not.”

“How often do they see the doctor? What are their immunizations? How is their weight compared to others their age? Have they had thrush? Sinus infections? What is their stool like?” Vic kept the questions coming. He didn’t want Brian to be ignorant to the facts. Although the man knew some of what Vic had to go through, if he was considering being a part of Justin’s life, then he would have to know everything, no matter how painful it might be. “Can you tell if they are depressed? Low energy? Have they had chicken pox yet? Children who are positive could have problems learning to walk or talk. Do you know that 20% of children develop some serious disease in the first year and don’t make it to their fourth birthday?”

“Fuck!” Brian knelt and placed his head in his hands. “I didn’t think…”

“It’s not something people think about. You never want to think your child is sick, or could die. Children are the future, but what future can they really have?” Vic took a sip of his water, and let out a slow breath. “You know how much my medication is, Brian. You’ve gone with me enough times. Think about that and times it by two. Plus who knows what they have to take. Children’s immune system isn’t like ours. How often does Justin have to take them to the doctors to get poked and prodded? Have their antibody blood tests done? How many doctors do they have?”

“Mali had the sniffles and couldn’t stop sneezing yesterday.” Brian remembered, quietly thinking of everything Vic was asking him. The thing was… he didn’t know. He didn’t know the answers to any of those questions, but he wanted to. He just never thought it was that much. Yes, he knew that it couldn’t be easy; he’d seen that with Vic, Ben, and Hunter. They all seemed in pretty good health, despite occasional lapses. They all came out of it okay; Brian just didn’t think that it would be that much different. 

“Most likely from what I’ve heard about children who are positive it could be that she has a sinus infection or something like that. It’s common in children. One of the many things.”

“Justin told me that the doctor said it was nothing, to just keep an eye out.”

“If he’s as determined to handle this himself, do you think he would tell anyone about ALL the problems that come up? It could be that it’s a regular occurrence with one or both of them that he doesn’t really think about it too much, or doesn’t want to share.” Vic hoped that Justin wasn’t getting lax in his thinking about potential problems. He was almost positive that it wasn’t the case, and that Justin just didn’t want to worry anyone else. Silently he promised himself that he would sit down with Justin and talk to the younger man. Be there to help support him. “Either that or it could be just another side effect of one of the medication they have to take.” 

“I guess I have a lot to learn, don’t I?”

“What, you didn’t think that it would be easy did you? You know about AIDS and HIV, Brian… but you don’t know the everyday life of someone who has to live with it. That’s what you need to know. Plus you have to deal with the children differently than you do with adults… or someone Hunter’s age. Of course he would be a good source of information, especially if one of them is in school.”

“BJ is almost four. Justin’s trying to figure out what to do when it comes to school for him.”

Vic nodded as he stood from the chair. “There’s a support group meeting tomorrow night. Why don’t you come, talk to them. Find out what goes on. All of the facts and whatever won’t do any good until you know the impact it has on them. The facts you need to know, don’t think that it’s the same as what I have to go through. But talk to them, talk to Justin. I bet one of the things that he wants is for you to ask. Don’t assume you know… ask if you have questions. My guess is, that’s what he’s looking for. Someone to share things with, not take over thinking they know what’s best.”

With that Vic left Brian alone. He had given the man a lot to think about. Vic only hoped that Brian would listen, and do the right thing. What Brian needed to do above all else was to start asking Justin the questions that he knew the younger man was waiting for. Once Brian realized he didn’t have all the answers and started asking, the lines would be open and they could start to build a life together. Whether it was as friends or more, Vic didn’t know. It would come clear in the coming months. He only hoped that Brian would allow himself to open up and talk. And that the man would allow someone into his life without reservations. That’s what Justin was asking for, now it was up to Brian to realize that.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Justin had to admit that having Nonna in his life had made it a lot easier. His mother was thrilled to find he had help and the kids loved her, quickly making the older woman a surrogate grandmother. 

He was pleasantly surprised when the first night she was in the house she asked for all the books he had on pediatric HIV. She wanted to read up on it while the children slept. For the first time since BJ had arrived, Justin was able to fully relax. Just having another person in the house that cared about the children was somehow load lifting.

As he sat in his chair looking out on the gardens, his hand idly sketched Brian’s face. It was a familiar task. He’d sketched it so often since he’d met the man when he was seventeen. But now he had an older Brian to sketch, one that had matured in ways that couldn’t be seen, but were there never the less. Justin smiled remembering the touch of Brian’s warm lips on his cheek. He’d always known that Brian could still affect him in that same old mind altering way, but experiencing it was a whole other ball game.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brian had spent the entire day at work doing research on children dealing with AIDS and HIV. Just hearing the facts, and what needed to be done, he realized that he hadn’t known as much as he had thought he did. It was one thing to spend time with Vic, but it was another to find out what someone really went through. And to know that it was a child, a little person who had no choice, no understanding of what was wrong with them… Brian hadn’t thought of that. How could a child, a baby understand that they had to take all of these medications when other children their age don’t? 

Brian knew that he would have to get some first-hand knowledge. He would go to the meeting and see what they had to say. It couldn’t hurt, and he figured that if nothing else, he could understand Vic better. It was a part of the man that he thought he understood, but in reality didn’t. Maybe Vic was right that unless you actually lived through it, you wouldn’t know, couldn’t know.

Closing down his computer, he walked out of the offices toward his car. Brian didn’t bother head to the loft to change, figuring that the moment he stepped foot in his home, he wouldn’t want to leave. He made the decision to go and nothing was going to stop him now. 

Walking into the large room, Brian felt overwhelmed and out of place. He was ready to walk right back out, when he felt a hand on his arm. “If you leave now, you’ll never get the answers you need.” Vic told the other man with a small, sympathetic smile.

“I don’t belong here, Vic.”

“If you want to be a part of Justin’s life, and those kids’ life, then this is exactly where you belong. Here, let me introduce you to someone. I think she may be able to help you with the questions you have.” Vic led Brian over to a woman, not much older than he was who was standing by the snack table. “Jessie? I would like you to meet a friend of mine. This is Brian Kinney.”

“Hi,” she said holding her hand out to Brian. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Are you here to support Vic?”

Brian took a deep breath as he reached across and shook her hand. “Not really.”

“Brian has a friend whose children are positive, and he is just trying to understand. I thought that maybe you could help him out a little. Help him not make a colossal mistake.” Vic laughed a little. 

“I can understand that. Too many people have a small tendency to make a mistake.” Taking a Styrofoam cup of coffee, Jessie nodded off to the side. “If you’re really interested we can go talk over there. Today’s meeting is just about getting to mingle so we’re not really having a ‘share’ moment.”

With a slight push by Vic, Brian followed the woman off to the side of the room and sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs. “Can’t they have something better to sit in than this shit?”

“I know what you mean. I could never bring Catherine in here, not unless I brought a better chair.” Jessie looked down at her cup and let out a deep breath. “What do you really want to know? Are you serious about wanting to be a part of this?”

Brian leaned back in the chair and thought about her question. It was one that he knew he had to answer truthfully, and he had to be 100 percent sure that it was what he wanted. Did he really want Justin with all the ‘extra’ stuff that would be involved? Brian knew the answer immediately. There was no way he could turn his back on any of them. The children had already wormed their way into his heart, just like Justin had years prior. “Yes. Tell me what it’s like.”

Jessie took a deep breath, and rolled her lower lip into her mouth. “I was sixteen when I had Monica. I was young, stupid. Thought I had found the one.” Shaking her head, Jessie turned her eyes toward the far wall, but in her mind she was back in time. “Once he found out I was pregnant, he left. I had already left home to stay with him, so I had no where else to go. I was working three jobs, trying to raise her better than I was, but it wasn’t easy. I was a high school drop-out with a kid. So she went to the streets. I guess she figured that since I wasn’t home much that she could get some love out there.”

“I had just gotten my GED, had just been accepted at a full-time position somewhere with benefits… finally things were starting to look up. When she finally told me she was pregnant, I was floored. The test proved that she was HIV and we talked and talked about what we were going to do. Does she keep the baby? Do I take her to have an abortion?” Jessie could feel the tears start to build behind her eyes, but held them at bay. “I had promised myself that she would never be put in the position I had been in. I would never abandon her like my family did. So we stuck it out, did everything that we could to make it easy on her, and on the baby.”

”What happened?” Brian asked. He thought he had an idea, but as he was finding out nothing was clear cut.

“Monica died not long after Catherine was born. Liver failure. She just completely shut down. So there I was without my daughter and now I had to take care of my grand-daughter who was positive.” Jessie turned to Brian and gave him a sad smile. “When we go out, people think that Catherine is my daughter. I tell them no, that she’s my grand-daughter. When they ask about her mother, I tell them that she died of an AIDS related disease and that yes… Catherine is also HIV positive. I’m either a saint in their eyes, or I’m a terror, evil incarnated.”

“People always try to tell me what I need to do, what I should do. I shouldn’t be burdened with a sick child who’s only going to die anyway. Why put myself through that, they ask. Do you know that the first time I had to take Catherine to the doctors because she went to play with some kids down the street and got sick, that I was almost ready to call it quits? She was lying there in that bed with tubes and machines hooked up to her, and all I could think of was not again. How can I put myself and her through this pain again. She didn’t deserve to suffer. Then I would look at her smiling at me days later, happy as can be, and I know that I made the right choice by not letting her die.”

“I know, in my heart, that even if she dies tomorrow, or fifty years from now that it won’t make a damn bit of difference. The pills, the doctors appointments, the looks and hatred that you get from people, the ones who refuse to even acknowledge your existence make not a damn bit of difference and you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I know that no matter what, I am a better person because of her. I can love more, and feel more because she has enriched my life, made me LIVE my life. That’s something I never had before. Something I was afraid of before.”


And Brian realized the truth in what Jessie was saying. Justin had done that. Because of Justin he was a better man than he had been before that fateful night when they met. 


TBC...