Are You Ready For Love? Plot bunny by Stephanie M Author: Bryant MacLagan Chapter 9 - Justin sat next to Brian in Michelle’s room, trying to find a way to comfort his lover, but unable to find the words. Every time he tried to touch Brian the older man would turn away, and Justin knew that it was only Brian’s walls going up in full force. Brian was trying to not feel the sadness that was engulfing them all, and Justin knew that there was nothing he could do to change it. It’s been a week since Thanksgiving, and he knew that everyone was basically blaming themselves for her getting sick. Justin knew in his head that no one could have known that a simple cold would have brought them to this point, but his heart was telling him something else. Knowing the facts and actually seeing a small girl lying in a crib in the ICU made the facts seem unimportant. As soon as they brought Michelle in, Justin had immediately returned to the house to grab the other two children. Fear was running through his body at the thought that BJ and Malia could be in the bed right next to their sister. The doctors told him that they seemed fine, but to keep an eye on them. Fear that they could catch what Michelle did was very real, and a good possibility. So for the next couple of weeks, Justin knew he would have to bring the other two in often. He was a little upset that he couldn’t bring them into the room, but knew that the risk was just too great. Standing, Justin walked over to the window and laid his palm on the cold surface. It had started snowing, winter showing them the wonders it could bring. All he wanted to do was be at home with his whole family, getting ready for Christmas. Put up the tree, and watch as the children place the ornaments in just the right places. It should be a happy time of the year, but Justin knew that their time with Michelle was coming to an end. No matter how he looked at it, the end was always the same. Granted he had thought the same thing about BJ during the numerous visits to the hospital when the boy would stop breathing. BJ had pulled out of it, and Justin could only hope that Michelle would as well. Seeing something out of the corner of his eye, Justin turned to the door. Placing his finger to his lips, he quietly walked out of the room. “I didn’t think you would want to come here.” Justin stated as he turned to face the two women who were looking into the room. “We were worried. And Michelle … we have come to love her, and the other two. We love both you and Brian. Even if we don’t always agree.” Lindsay said with a small sad smile. “How is she?” “Not good. The cold… who would have thought that the simple cold could cause all of this huh?” Justin shrugged as he led the two women farther down the halls, making sure that they were far enough away from Brian and Michelle. Turning to Melanie, Justin stared right into her eye. “Why are you here? You were one of the biggest advocates against the children.” “I was wrong, okay. I’ll admit it. I do care, Justin.” “You have a funny way of showing it. You still have to prove to me that you mean it. Too many words have already been passed between us, that I don’t know that I can trust either one of you not to hurt them. And frankly right now is not the time.” Justin warned them. He wanted them to know where he stood, and he wasn’t going to budge. “And I would suggest that for now… leave Brian alone. He’s having a hard enough time with this that he doesn’t need the added stress.” “Where is he?” Justin heard coming from down the hall. Turning toward the voice he knew well, Justin closed his eyes to try and stop the anger that was rising. “Where is he, I need to see him.” “You don’t need shit, Michael. And Brian doesn’t need you right now.” “Like hell, he’s my …” “Yeah, yeah, whatthefuckever. Don’t play that fucking card with me, cause I’m not going to buy it.” Justin took a step forward so he was right in Michael’s face. “You have no fucking right to be here, and I would suggest you leave, now. You have never once wanted to be a part of the children’s life, or mine. You never once cared what happened to them, and what you said… you can just go and get the fuck out of my life and as far away from my children as possible.” Taking a step back, Justin looked at the three standing there in the hallway. “That goes for everyone. Leave Brian alone. He’s handling this as best as he can, and he doesn’t need your shit to add to it. I don’t need your shit. So go and if Brian wants to see you he will come to you. Until then get the fuck out, and don’t you dare darken my doorstep again. I will have security throw you out if you try and go around me. So don’t play with me, cause when it comes to my children or Brian, you can bet I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a sick child to deal with.” Justin walked back into his daughter’s room and sat on the small windowsill, just watching Brian and Michelle. He watched as Brian would reach out and run his hand over the girl’s small hand always careful of the tubes and wires hooked up to her small frame. Brian would always be touching her, and Justin quelled the small bit of anger that rushed him wishing Brian had done the same thing for him when he was in the hospital after the bashing. Now was not the time to feel anger, and Justin once again pushed his feelings and thoughts down. There would be a time and place to get all of that out into the open, but that time was not now. Looking down at his watch, he realized that ten minutes had passed since he had left the gang in the hallway. Standing, Justin walked over to Brian and placed his hands on the other man’s shoulders. “Brian?” He whispered. “Why don’t you go get something to eat, you haven’t had anything yet today, and you need to keep up your strength. I’ll keep an eye on Michelle.” Brian nodded, and left the room without saying a word. He knew that Justin was right and that he should eat something, but Brian wasn’t sure he could keep anything down at the moment. Instead he walked straight toward the small chapel in the hospital and took a deep breath. Taking a step inside, Brian pushed his reservations aside and slowly made his way up to the front. He knelt at the alter and made a small cross over his chest and did something that he hadn’t done in years - he prayed. Prayed that Michelle would pull through, prayed that he would have the strength to get through the days (AHEAD)a head, and prayed that if the worst did happen, that he would survive the loss. “I can say that if you had told me two years ago that I would one day see Brian Kinney in a chapel, I would have laughed in their face.” The voice behind Brian stated, coming closer to him. Brian could hear Melanie moving to sit in one of the first pews. “And I thought that as a Jew you wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this.” Brian’s voice was hoarse, quiet. He hadn’t been able to say a thing since they brought Michelle into the hospital a week ago, and he wasn’t used to talking. He felt that if he talked then the emotions would come rushing to the surface, and he wasn’t sure he could handle the onslaught. “Yeah well they don’t really have a synagogue in here. So this is the next best thing. Besides, I saw you come in here and I thought I would come see how you were doing.” Mel leaned forward to rest her arms on the railing in front of her as she looked Brian over. He looked terrible, and she wondered if he had left the room at all during the past week. “How the hell do you think I’m doing?” Brian felt anger start to well up in him and he closed his eyes to calm himself, to have the mask of indifference show on his face and in his body. “My daughter is laying in a hospital bed. No one knows if she’s going to make it or not. She’s almost 8 months old, not nearly old enough to have done anything… how do you think I’m doing?” “You’re doing as well as any parent would be doing in your position. Better actually, but I think anyone who knew you could see the pain you’re in.” Mel looked up at the display of Jesus on the wall, and tried not to roll her eyes. If her mother could see her now, she would be throwing a fit, but some things were more important than religion in her opinion. “I know we haven’t seen eye to eye on a lot of things, and we have never gotten along…” “Really? You just realized this? So what the hell does that have to do with you being here now?” “And I don’t know if we will ever agree on things in the future.” She continued without acknowledging Brian’s questions. “But I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. You were right, and I was terribly wrong.” She watched as Brian turned his head to stare at her, a little bit of shock showing through the mask he tried to maintain. “We are more of a risk to those children than they are to us. I was wrong, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I wanted you to know that, and that I won’t keep Gus from you again. I won’t cause any problems between you, Justin, the children, and Gus.” Mel shook her head and tried not to let the small laugh that she was feeling out. “I thought Gus was exaggerating when he wouldn’t go to Malia’s birthday party. He only had a little cold, and I couldn’t believe that he was making a big deal out of it.” “Well at least you can see just what a little cold can do.” Brian turned back to the alter and tried to keep the sadness and anger at bay. “I don’t know what I will do if she doesn’t make it. There’s a pretty good chance that she won’t. I mean … fuck… she already has to deal not only with being positive, but she also is fighting a drug addiction that she didn’t ask for. I want her to live, to grow up, but I don’t know if she will.” Brian wasn’t sure why he was even telling Melanie of all people this, but he just couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. “I don’t know if I can make it if she doesn’t. She has so much to live for.” Mel stood from her seat and walked up to Brian so she could pull the man into her arms. Something she never thought she would ever do. Holding Brian, she let the man cry on her shoulder, let him get all of the pain he’d been feeling lately, the hopelessness out. She knew that words would be meaningless, as she felt her own tears start to fall from her eyes. She felt for Brian, and Justin. She wasn’t sure what she would do if it was Gus or Jenny in the same situation. She would be feeling the same as Brian she he figured. Lost. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin laid his head on Daphne’s shoulder as they sat outside the room in the hospital. Justin just sat there accepting the comfort that his best friend was offering. Michelle was fading, and fading fast, it didn’t look like she would make it another day. Justin wanted to believe that she would come out of it, but he knew it would be pointless to think that. “You think the other two are okay, right?” he asked her knowing that she wouldn’t lie to him. “As it stands right now, they are okay. I’ll want to check them again in another day or so, but I think they will be okay.” Daphne told Justin as she held his hand in her own. “Do you think Brian’s okay?” “I don’t know, he hasn’t said word one to me since he brought her in. I know that someone needs to stay with the other two, but… I want to be here too.” Justin closed his eyes as tears slowly fell down his cheek. “Anyway, I guess it’s a good thing that I’m at home. At least this way, I can take care of them. They have no idea what is going on. The scary part is that it’s almost like the last year hasn’t happened. Just BJ, Malia and I… It’s frightening. I don’t like that feeling.” “I wish there was more that I could do.” “You’re doing more than I could ever hope for. I love you, Daph. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here for them.” Justin stood from his chair and took one last look into the small room. “Just be there for him when the time comes. Most likely when it happens I’ll be at home with the other two. Just … please take care of him.” “I promise.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ It was a week later when Justin walked into the hospital room and knew immediately that his worst fears had happened. Brian was sitting in the rocking chair in the corner, Michelle wrapped in a blanket. He held her close, his eyes stared out the window seeing nothing as he rocked his little girl and crooned the Irish lullaby that was her favorite. Justin went over and knelt beside the chair, he looked at the peaceful face of his daughter. She’d been in the world such a short time. She hadn’t asked to be addicted to heroin or infected with HIV. She was such an innocent soul. Maybe Brian was right; she’d been too beautiful and good to stay here. God had wanted her back to be with him. The soft baritone of Brian’s voice singing the words of the lullaby would haunt Justin for the rest of his life. Of that he was sure. “You know I prayed.” Brian spoke quietly as if he didn’t want to disturb the sleeping child. “I prayed and I begged God, I fucking begged him to take me instead. She suffered so much Justin. How is that fair?” He didn’t wait for Justin to answer; instead he brushed back the soft hair from Michelle’s forehead and kissed it tenderly. Brian looked down at Justin by his side. “Why does something happen to everyone I love?” his voice cracked. “I tried and tried not to love you Justin but I did and look what happened. I tried again not to love Michelle. What’s going to happen to BJ and Malia and Gus?” an unnoticed tear ran down his cheek. “I love them too.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin pulled up to the house and stole a glance over at Brian. There was nothing that could be said at that moment, nothing that could take away the pain that they were feeling, so Justin didn’t even try. He wouldn’t try to say some bullshit that they both knew was hollow. He didn’t feel anything, couldn’t feel anything. There was too much to do now, so much that had to be accomplished, and Justin only hoped that they could get through the next couple of days, weeks, months in one piece. The opening of the passenger door caught his attention, and Justin could only watch as Brian made his way into the house. Justin got out of the car and followed his lover into their home, and Justin had to fight the tears that had been threatening to fall the moment that he held his daughter after she had already left this world. It was something that would now live with Justin for the rest of his life. Feeling the life completely drain out of her right in his arms. He wanted to throw up, wanted to crawl into bed and not get out of it for a month at least. He watched as Brian removed his jacket, threw it in the corner and move up the stairs. Justin wondered where he was heading, wondering if his lover was okay. Since Brian hadn’t said anything since they left the room that Michelle had been in, Justin had no idea where the man’s head was at. All Justin wanted was to have Brian hold him, to show him some emotion, anything to get the look of anger that Justin had seen in his lover’s eyes when he told Brian that Michelle was gone, out of his head. “Brian?” he quietly asked following Brian up the stairs. Brian walked down the hall toward the last room, and walked in. Closing the door behind him, he let all of the emotions that he had been hiding out. Falling onto the ground in the middle of Michelle’s room Brian cried. The pain was so strong, Brian wasn’t sure he would ever be able to breath or feel anything besides the loss ever again. As he curled up into a small ball on the floor, Brian reached out and lightly touched the small blanket that had fallen onto the floor all those weeks ago. Justin quietly closed the door, and rested his head against the wooden frame. Closing his eyes, Justin began to push all of his pain, anger, and sadness down into the farthest reaches of his mind and soul. Brain was losing it, and they couldn’t afford both of them to be lost in the waves of pain. Once he was satisfied that he had his emotions under control, Justin walked down to BJ and Malia’s room and sat down in one of the chairs that lined the wall. When morning came, Justin would let them know what happened. He would tell them about Michelle, and would take the time to explain to them why their sister would not be coming home. It was time to be strong for them. Time to be strong if he was ever going to make it through the preparations that needed to be made. He’d let Brian have his time alone, or whatever. His time would come, but that time wasn’t now. Now Justin had to ignore his own self and feelings and get them all through this. If he failed then he wasn’t sure how they would make it past this. They all needed someone to take charge, and Justin knew he had to be the one. He’d do it, for them. He had to. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Brian was sitting in Michelle’s room. His eyes were shut as he sat there remembering her smile and her soft laugh. He felt a tug on his pant legs and then someone climbing up on his lap. It was Malia. “Daddy Bwian, I love you.” She said. “I know you do baby girl.” Brian said. He wrapped her in his arms holding her close to him. She put her hands up and rubbed his whiskered face. He hadn’t shaved in days. “You’ve got bear fur on your face.” She giggled. “Daddy Bwian, Mickey is an angel now you know.” “Yes I suppose she is.” “She is going to watch over all of us forever and ever. Know what?” not waiting for Brian to answer she continued. “Mickey never has to go to the hospital or have yucky medicine or anything any more. She is the beautifulist Angel in heaven.” She nodded “BJ told me. And he said that Mickey has wings and everything.” She snuggled close to Brian. Brian patted her back and kissed the top of her head. He couldn’t speak. “Daddy Bwian, do you still love me and BJ?” Malia asked. “I’ll always love you and BJ.” Brian choked out. “I was scared that you didn’t love us anymore.” Malia put her head down not wanting to look at Brian. “BJ said you were sad ‘cause Mickey is in heaven. He said that you might not love us anymore ‘cause we have HIV too and we might go to heaven.” Brian felt a sharp pain inside of him when he heard Malia’s words. “Baby girl, I love you and BJ with my whole heart. It’s just that now that Michelle is in heaven, my heart is a bit sore.” “Cause Mickey broke a part of it off?” “Something like that. Michelle took a bit of my heart with her. But I still have lots of it left and I love you and BJ and your daddy too.” Malia gave a big sigh. “We was worried. I’m glad Mickey left some of your heart for us. I had a pain in my tummy and so did BJ ‘cause we were soooo worried.” She turned her head and looked at Brian. “Daddy Bwian, you better tell daddy you still have his love in your heart. I think he’s scared too. He was crying and crying and crying in the garden. He said it was his allergies, but there is snow on the flowers.” “I’ll tell him, I promise.” Brian kissed her again. He never broke his promises and Malia knew that. Satisfied with her talk with Brian, she let herself relax in his arms. Slowly he began to rock the small girl he held. His heart had begun to heal. Floating near the ceiling was a tiny Angel, her wings new and shiny; her halo glowed as she blew a kiss toward her sister and her daddy. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin stood in his office, looking out of the window. He was worried about Brian, wondering if his lover could make it through this in one piece. Justin would let Brian grieve in his own way, knowing that in time Brian would be there for him. He only wished that he had his lover with him in this journey, at this meeting he had to do that day. “Justin?” Jennifer asked from the door as she spotted her son staring outside. “The kids ready still watching TV?” “Yeah. You know that Nonna can stay with them and I can come with you.” Justin shook his head and turned to face his mother. “No, right now they want you. So we’re going to give that to them. I am going to take care of this then we’ll see what comes up next.” Justin went over to his desk to pick up a small bag. “Where’s Brian? Isn’t he coming with you?” “Mom,” Justin warned. He had gotten enough of the crap from others, on Brian not being there. “He’s taking his time getting used to this. It’s hit him hard, harder than he ever thought possible. Let him grieve, in the way that he needs to. We can only have one of us losing it at a time, and right now let Brian have his time.” “And you?” “I’ll grieve in my own way, mom. Leave it alone.” Justin was pleased that Brian was grieving this way instead of going back to his past techniques of drugs, alcohol and sex. “But you were hit hard by this too, Justin. You need to be there for each other, and you need to help each other through this.” Jennifer followed Justin through the house as her son moved to the kitchen. “This isn’t healthy for either one of you.” “You don’t understand, mom.” “BJ was just as sick as Michelle was when you first got him, and he made it through. I know it’s tearing you apart that she didn’t make it where BJ did.” Justin turned to his mother with fire in his eyes. “Don’t ever say that around BJ. He’s hurting enough without that type of talk. Do you hear me?” Justin shook his head and took a deep breath to try and clear his mind. “Now, if you excuse me, I have to go to the funeral home and pick out a coffin for my daughter. I have to give them this dress that I picked out for her, then I need to head over to the church to talk to pastor.” “Justin…” “Don’t. Just don’t. I will be back to pick up the kids to go to the church with me. We agreed last night that they wanted to be a part of the service and I want them there to tell Pastor Eric what they want.” “Are you sure that it’s wise?” “It’s what they want, and I am not going to deny them this. They just lost a sister, and they want to honor her in their own way. So they will be a part of this. It will be for them.” Justin pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge, turning to his mother. “If anyone has a problem with it, that’s on them. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I have two kids who are still alive, and they want to do this. No one else matters.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin stood in the room, greeting everyone that came up to him. Each one giving their condolences, some real heart-felt, while others Justin felt like they were only there for show. Glancing over he could see Brian leaning up against the wall next to the coffin, the same place Brian had been since they had arrived. “Justin?” Daphne asked quietly placing a hand on his arm lightly. “I know you must be getting this a lot, but I’m sorry.” Justin gave his best friend a small smile, allowing her to pull him into a hug. Justin allowed himself the small twinge of sadness and loss flow through him. Taking a deep breath to push the feelings back down, placing the feelings deep behind the door he’d kept them locked away, Justin pulled back from her hug. “Thanks, Daph. I’m glad you’re here.” Justin nodded toward the door, wanting, needing to get out of that room for a while. Following Justin outside into the cool night, Daphne tried to stop the worry from overflowing. “How are the kids handling it?” “They don’t understand why Michelle won’t come back. They always came back, why can’t Michelle? They want a special angel for the top of the tree, saying it could an angel Michelle.” Justin rolled his lower lip into his mouth and slowly breathed in an out. “I don’t think it’s really hit me, you know. When she got sick this last time, it was really sudden. We didn’t really have much notice. The past couple of days it’s been busy as hell, between the doctors appointments to make sure the other two didn’t get it, to the funeral arraignments… I haven’t had time to really think about the fact that my daughter is laying in that coffin. It just doesn’t seem real.” Justin led her out to the edge of the parking lot, far from the others around, and far from the building that housed Michelle. He wrapped his jacket around Daphne’s shoulders to try and keep her warm from the cold night air. He wanted to let the cold fill feel his being, allowing him to feel something besides the pain he was in. “How’s Brian handling it?” Daphne sat down on curb with Justin, just allowing him to get it out. She had a feeling that he hadn’t given himself the chance to do much else but what needed to be done. “This is the first time he’s left the room. We bring him food and stuff, but I don’t know how much he actually eats. The only time I saw him out of the room was to get ready for this. He doesn’t say a word, just sits there in the rocking chair looking at the crib.” Daphne felt her heart break at the image Justin was painting. Brian had always been strong, never seemed one to just let go the way he had. The only time Daphne had seen Brian even close to this were the nights directly after the prom. “It’ll take time, I know that, but I wish he was there to help you. I can’t say that I agree with what he’s doing, but in a way I guess I can’t really say he’s wrong. Brian always felt things stronger than most, even when he didn’t show it. Even I could see that.” “I know. I just … there are times when I want to yell at him, that I hate him.” “Why?” “BJ was worse then Michelle was, and maybe… I don’t know. Maybe if we had followed what I had wanted to do she would have still been around. Yeah, we tried to do things the same way, but this time I actually had to consult with someone, something I didn’t have to do with BJ. Maybe if I had been on my own…” “Justin, you can’t think that.” “I do, and I hate it. It’s stupid, and childish, but it’s still there. Then he’s off moping, not even acknowledging me or the other two… I am left to do all this shit that should be the two of us doing. I had to pick out a fucking coffin for my daughter. I had to pick out the dress that she is wearing, go to the doctors to make sure BJ and Malia are okay. I had to write the obituary, and talk to the pastor. It was all me, and I hate him for not being there for me.” Justin ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. “I wish I didn’t feel that way, but it’s easier than breaking down. The kids need one of us to be strong, and Brian can’t be that right now. So it all falls on my lap.” Daphne stood and pulled Justin into her arms, holding him tightly against her body. “I’m here. Let it out for right now, I’ll hold you up. I promise, I won’t let you fall. Let it out so you can go back in there and do what needs to be done.” “I’m afraid that if I start I won’t stop.” “You do what you have to, I’ll be here. I promise.” “Thanks, Daph. I love you, you know.” “I know.” Justin pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and let out a small laugh. “You know I quit. When BJ came to me, I basically quit except when I was out drinking at the bars. It wasn’t often, and every time I came home I would rush to the shower. I was so afraid that something would happen, that just the smell on my clothes would get them sick. I don’t think that anyone will throw a fit f I have one, do you?” Daphne reached over and pulled it out of his hands taking a puff herself. “Fuck ‘em.” The both laughed a little as they sat on the curb facing the funeral home. “Wish it was a joint.” ”Hell yeah. That would be perfect. Too bad I gave that up too.” “Maybe we’ll have to take a weekend together, just the two of us. Get drunk, stoned… act like we did while we were in college.” “Only college. Hell, we were doing that shit in High School… Middle school.” Justin took a hit off of the cigarette closing his eyes. “I really hate this, Daph. I’m so fucked up. Brian and I … I mean he’s been great, trying so hard to get things somewhat normal between us.” Passing the cigarette to Daphne, Justin tried to stretch the tight muscles out of his neck. “He gets upset if I try to go and do something without him. He gets jealous in a way, and the sad part is… that’s what I wanted for so many years. I wanted to be a priority with him, but … I don’t know. Things moved so fast, and I was so busy. I hated myself because I couldn’t be what I knew I should have been to not only the kids, but to Brian. Then these past couple of weeks, I’ve gotten pissed at him.” “Why? He loves you, everyone can see that. I really will never understand the two of you.” Daphne stated, shaking her head. “I guess I’m jealous. No, I know I am. See I told him to just get out of the house for the night. To go out, enjoy a night with the guys. It was some big thing, something that he had put together or whatever. So I told him to go, since he had such a big part in putting it together.” Justin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He went, reluctantly, but he went. I didn’t see him until around midnight. I could tell he had some drinks, could smell it on him. And I just shut down.” Standing, Justin lifted his head to the night sky and closed his eyes. “Here I went to try and take care of the gallery thing, cause I had shot myself in the foot with the whole legality shit. I go, and have to come back. Brian wanted me there, needed me to come home, to hell with what I needed to do. I can’t leave the house, I can’t do anything, but yet, it was okay for Brian to do it. “I had this belief when we first got back together that we’d share things, share in the responsibility of the care for the children. I was fine, until I had to leave New York. Then… then I just couldn’t get out of my head that it wasn’t like that. I kept this small demon burning into my soul just eating away.” Justin moved to sit back down next to Daphne, hoping that he is getting what he was feeling out so she could understand. He had wanted to talk to someone about this, wanted to just completely unload. “It was like no matter how much I wanted him to be an equal partner, he couldn’t. Terrible, I know but that just started being buried deep inside me.” “Brian loves all of those children. He loves you, that is not the way that he sees things. He is trying to be an equal partner, he’s not used to this. You have to give him some slack. You’ve had years to get used to the fact of being a father of children who are sick. Brian didn’t have that. You can’t blame Brian for wanting you there.” Daphne told Justin. Running his hands through his hair, Justin took a deep breath. “You’re not understanding. I hate that I was feeling that way, and I know that it’s stupid, but that’s the way I was feeling.” Justin leaned back to rest on his elbows trying to figure out a way to get what he was feeling out. The coldness of the ground and snow soaked through his clothes. Justin felt an odd sense of warmth from the snow, it felt warmer than he was at the moment. “The house (IS)if full of people, and I’m completely alone. Brian still went to work at least once a week, and yet I was forced - by choice or not -- to stay at home. I couldn’t do what I had to do, what I wanted to do. That’s the way I felt and the way I feel now. It’s stupid, and I wish to God I didn’t feel that way. I wish that I didn’t resent the fact that everyone is worried about Brian, that he hasn’t been there for me during this. That I was the one who had to pick out the coffin, and plan this whole fucking thing. “I hate it, Daph, and I don’t know what I can do to fix it.” Justin shook his head and rolled his lower lip onto his mouth, bringing his thumb up to his mouth to nibble on it. “Brian asked me if I loved myself once, and I don’t know if I can say that I do. I haven’t had the time. After I left Brian to be with Ethan, I was a mess. When that ended not long after, I was completely destroyed. Not long after that, BJ came, and I just never had the time. Seeing that bashing being played out on the stage completely threw me for a loop, and I found myself stuck in the same damn place I was right after it happened for real. I couldn’t talk to anyone cause I felt lost and weak. So I put all of my energy into BJ, my books, art, then Malia. “I only opened my heart to those two little children. I couldn’t allow anyone to take care of me, to love me because I knew that I was fucked up. The nightmares were still there, I was still freaking out. Hell, my damn hand is still fucked up. The reminders are there every day, but I didn’t deal with it because I had to be strong for the kids. Then Brian came waltzing in, and I feel like I’ve been spiraling out of control.” “Why? I would think that having Brian there would be a blessing, a huge help. I guess I don’t understand.” Daphne leaned back a little so she could look Justin in the eye. “Once Brian came back into my life, everything just started getting crazy. He moved in, took over with the kids cause I was stuck with the school. Then Michelle came and I guess I was pissed that he made the decision without really discussing it with me. He did ask, but I knew that it was already decided.” Justin rolled over to his side and gave Daphne a small smile. “I wasn’t ready to lose him, and I thought that if I said no, I would. So I agreed and you know what that was like. Most of his time was with her… we never once sat down and talked about us really. The children were always around, and we never really discussed what was going on, what we wanted. I just felt, feel like we never had the chance to clear the air between us and all of that old shit is just sitting there in the middle of the room. So much hurt and pain was caused on both sides, and we never talked about it. We still don’t talk about the bashing, and not once do we talk about the times I wake up in the middle of the night in terror.” ”I think the two of you really need to sit down and talk about all of this shit. You won’t make it if you ignore it and let it fester. Talk to him.” Daphne knew she was telling Justin something he already knew, but she also knew that Justin needed to hear it. “The only time we would have had the chance, we were fucking, making love.” Justin said with a small smile. “Our time was spent a completely different way. Talking has always been a problem between us. We talk, Christ do we talk, but when we do, it’s about the kids, not us. I need to know who I am again without the kids, but I’m scared to death to leave them for a fucking night. Mom keeps telling me that I can’t lose myself, that I have to take some time, even if it’s once a month to have me time. To go out, get away from the whole mess. And I know that she’s right in a way. Taking care of them is very draining, and I just don’t … you know me; I shut down everything besides their care. I’m not me. “So she tells me to go out, and the one time in two years that I do, I get shit upon for doing it and leaving them. Brian is upset and I can understand that, but it was others who were yelling and bitching that I shouldn’t have left. How can I find myself and love myself like Brian wants me to if I don’t know who I am? I don’t know who I am without the kids, and it’s both good and bad, but I just don’t know who Justin Taylor is anymore. Am I really BJ Amore, or am I Justin Taylor, and who the hell are they?” “You need help.” Daphne said with a small laugh. “I do, there’s no doubt about that. But I feel that Brian should be there for me during this, for us. I know he’s hurting, but I am too. I have to put everything on hold, and I can’t break down. I don’t have the time to break down, even when this is all cleared up and over with, I just can’t. The kids need me, and Brian needs me, if he’ll let me.” Justin shrugged and tried to hold back the tears that he could feel building. “You know he didn’t really trust me with Michelle? He tried to hide it, but I could tell. And the scary thing is, that is one of the problems we had back then that we have never cleared up. Trust. I can’t help but wonder if some way he’s punishing me for Ethan.” ”That’s not true and you know it.” “Do I? We never talked about it, so I can’t help but feel that way.” Justin stood and held out his hand for Daphne. “We better get in. They have to be wondering where I ran off to.” Turning to look at his friend, Justin took a deep breath pushing the pain back down where it belonged for the moment. “Thanks, for listening. Now it’s time to get in there and get this over with. Besides it’s cold as fuck out here, and I don’t need you catching a cold.” Without another word, Justin walked back into the funeral home and his family. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ When Justin got back into the funeral parlor, Brian had disappeared. He did his best to control his anger. The service was going to start in a few minutes. Where the fuck had Brian disappeared to. Just as the minister took his place at the front of the room, the door to the funeral parlor opened and Brian entered with Malia, BJ and Gus. Malia held Brian’s hand and Gus and BJ held hands. There was a shocked gasp from the audience as they all made their way down the aisle to the tiny white coffin. Brian held Malia up so she could see her sister, she placed Michelle’s stuffed rabbit in the coffin. “Goodbye Mickey, Daddy Bwian said you could have your bunny.” Her words rang out clearly in the quiet. Someone stifled a sob. BJ and Gus approached the coffin next. “Bye Mickey, you were a good sister even if you cried a lot, but Daddy Brian says you’ll be the best Angel ever and you’ll never cry ever again.” BJ slipped his other hand in Brian’s. “Bye Mickey, Daddy said we could come and say goodbye. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to. But daddy said sure why not. Can you make sure my hamster George is doing okay up in heaven. Daddy said you’d look in on him.” Brian turned to the audience. “I guess the kids have said it all. Michelle had a short life but having the love of Malia, BJ, Gus and Justin and I, along with her other friends, made it as good as it can get." He looked at everyone and then at Justin. He hoped that Justin could see how much he loved him. Justin gave him a watery smile and Brian knew that the message had been received. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Brian didn’t stay for the rest of the ceremony. He gave Justin an apologetic smile and he and the children headed down the center aisle and out the heavy doors. The sound they made when they shut seemed to finalize his goodbye to Michelle. He stood outside on the step of the funeral home and looked at the freshly fallen snow. Everything was covered in small heaps of diamond bright whiteness. “Daddy Bwian?” Malia asked. “I’m hungry; can we get some good food for a change?” This was Malia’s code for something other than a decent home cooked meal. She loved MacDonald’s. “Malia, you know how much I hate going to that place.” Brian pretended to whine which caused Gus and BJ to giggle along with Malia. “There are too many kids and they scare me.” “Daddy Bwian, I’ll save you.” Melia declared. “Me too daddy and BJ too.” Gus and BJ skipped ahead on the sidewalk sliding in the snow pack. Gus turned back “I think Mickey is laughing at the snow. I bet she has awesome snow in heaven.” “Do they have MacDonald’s in heaven?” BJ asked. “Not if there’s a God” Brian muttered. “Daddy Bwian, I bet there is too.” Melia danced ahead and skidded into her brothers. “Why don’t we pick up some happy meals at the drive through and go home and eat them?” Brian asked the three kids. Truthfully, he didn’t want to take a chance on them meeting up with some kid who might have a cold or some other thing his kids might get. But he knew that he couldn’t deny the children the fun of eating their favorite meal. “I know, we could have a picnic.” Gus said. “Gus it’s damn cold outside, picnics are for summer time.” Brian was steering them in the direction of the car. He wanted them out of here before everyone came out to head for the grave site. “But we could have a picnic in the family room on the floor.” Gus was being reasonable. “And we could make a tent and everything.” BJ added. Brian resisted rolling his eyes. “We’ll see. Get in the car you guys.” Somehow having the children with him and letting them say goodbye to Michelle, had lightened the pain of losing her. Life moved on and the children were proof of that. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ An hour later, Justin opened the door to his house not sure what he’d find. The ceremony and then the grave side ordeal had been just that, an emotional ordeal. His mother was having everyone over to her house afterward, but Justin said he had to come home and check on Brian and the kids. He’d be back if everything was okay. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to. Justin felt like he was operating on autopilot so when he stepped into the family room where he could hear the television tuned to cartoons and too loud, he wasn’t expecting what he saw. Every surface was draped in sheets and blankets. In the middle of the mess was Brian, Gus, BJ and Malia tumbled together like puppies on a mother dog. There were wrappers and boxes from MacDonald’s and everyone was asleep looking well fed and peaceful. On Brian’s chest was the framed picture of the family that included Michelle. It looked like they had all been discussing it. Justin stood there and stared. Brian opened one eye and saw his partner. He held out his free arm and Justin sank to his knees and crawled forward, not caring that he was dressed like Brian in a good suit. He laid his head in the crook of Brian’s arm, the hard floor their mattress. He looked up into Brian’s eyes and could see that his husband had already begun to heal. Maybe in time he would as well. Being in Brian’s arms with their sleeping children all around them would help. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Daddy” Malia squealed and tumbled onto Justin’s belly. “Did you see Mickey in her Angel dress? Didn’t she look cool?” Malia asked. “Dummy, daddy was there.” BJ answered for Justin. “Daddy Brian bought MacDonalds and we had a picnic.” “I helped build the tent, but it crashed.” Gus added. Justin smiled at the kids. They put things into perspective for everyone. Life moved forward. “I’m glad you and daddy had fun.” “We were hungry.” Malia said. “It’s not fun to be hungry.” She explained. “Justin, I thought you’d be at the wake.” Brian said quietly. “I wanted to check on you first.” Justin was being honest. “I was worried about you. And I wanted to say thank you for thinking of the children. They really did need to say goodbye.” “Well Sunshine, I’ll survive.” He cocked his head to one side. “You know I owe it all to you and the kids though. You all make it so that I can go on.” He smiled. “Why don’t we all go back to your mom’s. The kids are probably hungry again and I think maybe we need to present more of a united front. I feel like a shit for making you do so much on your own.” “You are a shit.” Justin half joked. “I know.” Brian looked sad. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” “Brian, this isn’t a contest. We’re adults, we each of us deal with things in our own way. Knowing that you love me keeps me on track.” “Knowing you love me does the same.” “Awwwww, are you guys going to start kissing? That’s just freaks me out.” Malia threw her hands out dramatically. Brian and Justin started to laugh. They were quickly joined in their laughter by the other two children. Malia just looked puzzled. In less than three quarters of an hour, the family arrived at Justin’s mother’s house. She was surprised when she opened the door to Brian, Justin and the children. “Brian, Justin, come on in. Hi kids.” She looked at them all. Everyone who had been standing near the door stopped talking and watched the two men come in the door. “Sorry we’re late.” Brian said. He helped Justin off with his overcoat and then began to remove the children’s heavy coats. He didn’t offer any further explanation. “Hey kids, come with me, I know where there’s food.” It was Hunter. The happy looks on the children’s faces told the adults that they would be okay with the older boy. Lindsay and Melanie both gave Brian and Justin a quick hug before the two men had gotten very far into the room. Brian used all his self control in awkward situations to look calm and cool. Justin followed his partner’s lead. They shook hands, exchanged hugs and answered questions together, neither one moving far from the other’s side. Finally Ben dragged Brian off to one side. He had a quiet conversation with him and handed him something. Justin watched from his place on the other side of the room wondering what was happening. A little while later, Justin found himself being steered out to the sunroom. The bright sunlight of earlier had disappeared leaving the gray shadows of early evening. Justin shivered in his suit coat. “Brian, I’m not sure that smoking up in my mom’s house is a good idea.” “As if I’d do that, Jennifer would have my balls.” Brian joked. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. “Here, these are the keys to the loft. Ben had the locks changed so the old ones don’t work. They’re for you.” “Why me?” Justin looked at the keys puzzled. “I want you to have the loft. It’ll make a great studio and best of all it doesn’t have a morose partner or a bunch of kids there. Adults only is the policy in that building” he teased. “But why?” “Justin, I know that I’ve been a bastard.” “Sort of” Justin agreed. Brian huffed and continued. “I think that you’ve busted your ass in the last few years between working and the kids, you haven’t had any ‘Justin’ time and it doesn’t look like you’ll be getting much. But if you had a place to escape to whenever you needed. A place to call your own, then you at least could relax. The place is yours. I’ve had it put into your name. Feel free to decorate it however you want to.” “Where will you go?” “I have a home and a partner and two children who live in that home in case you’ve forgotten.” Brian ran his finger down Justin’s cheek and then onto his lips tracing them. “I’m not leaving my partner.” He kissed Justin softly. “I’m hoping that he’ll let me stay.” “Forever.” Justin breathed his arms moving around Brian’s neck. “Forever.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Justin held his brush in his hand, trying to get his mind calm enough to get something down on the canvas before him. Since Brian had given him the key to the loft, Justin had left the wake and headed straight toward the loft. Brian seemed to be back to normal, or as close to normal as possible, Justin knew he would have the time to finally mourn the loss of his daughter. The last thing he wanted was for the children to see him break down. The moment that Justin had walked into the loft, he had stripped his clothes and crawled into the bed and curled up into a ball. That was two days ago, and Justin still felt like he wanted to go right back to that bed and just sleep forever. He wanted to just forget that any of this happened, that Brian and him were okay.. that Michelle was still laying in her crib. When he closed his eyes all he could see was the whole mess replaying in his mind. The coffin and dress he picked out, just engulfing the little girl he had once held in his arms. Justin still couldn’t believe that Brian had left him alone to deal with all of it. He was starting to get over it, but he knew that it would be a long time before he could fully forgive Brian. He also knew that he could never fully forgive Brian alone, he needed his lover there to help him through this, but he just wasn’t ready to head home yet. No matter what, he would be home for Christmas with the children and Brian, but the rest of it… Justin wasn’t sure he could handle anything else. The loft door opened, and Justin silently cursed himself for forgetting to lock it when he went out to get some coffee that morning. Seeing Brian standing in the doorway as if waiting for permission to come in caused Justin to smile a little. “You’re welcome to come in. It’s still your place no matter whose name is on the deed.” Brian came in and looked around. He knew that Justin most likely hadn’t made any changes to the place in just the two days he’d been there, but already Brian could see the signs of his lover’s presence that had been missing from the loft in recent years. “How you holding up?” Justin shrugged as he placed his brush down on a small table, giving up on being able to get anything done. “I’m alive.” “We all miss you at home.” “Brian, you had your time. I need my time too. You weren’t the only one who lost a daughter. You weren’t the one who had to pick out a coffin, and set up the service or hell even sit thought it. So I think I am entitled to have a little break.” Justin began feeling the tears fall down his cheeks. He hadn’t wanted to lash out, that was the last thing that he wanted to do, but for some reason he couldn’t help himself. “Sorry. I’m just … I don’t know.” Brian nodded and walked further into the loft. “Are you mad at me?” “I think I got over the big anger yesterday, or this morning… I’m still upset yeah. I felt so alone, Brian. And I know that it’s stupid, but I needed your help, I needed something.” Brian came up to Justin and pulled his lover into his arms, letting Justin get all of the anger and sadness out as the blond shook with heart-wrenching sobs. “I’m sorry. I should have helped you, and I can’t tell you how bad I feel now about it. I was just in this place…” “I know, and that’s why I don’t hate you anymore. But … I’ve always had to be the strong one. Always had to be the one to take charge and do what needed to be done without help. This time, I was like… I don’t have to do it alone.” Justin pulled back and tried to take a deep breath. His face was red from the tears he was still shedding. “And I hate that I feel this way. I should be there with the kids now, but I just can’t get it together long enough to do that. I keep thinking that this isn’t the last time I have to do this… that at least now I know what needs to be done for the next time, but… Not only do I not want to know, but I also don’t want to have to go through this again. And not alone. I don’t know if I can pick out another coffin, or see another one of the children being placed in the ground. While you were there having McDonalds, I was watching as the coffin was lowered into the cold ground… I can’t do this again.” Brian tightened his hold on Justin and felt as the tears began to fill his eyes at the pain that Justin was feeling rang through the loft. “I can’t promise this won’t happen again, but you will never have to do this alone again. I won’t … I can’t let you down like that again. I feel like I failed you, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.” “I am lost, Brian. I have been for years. I don’t know who I am anymore.” Justin pulled back and tried to calm himself as he wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I have to be the strong one… I have to be. The kids need me and I can’t break down.” “You can. I’ll be there to help pick up the slack.” “But you haven’t been, Brian. You haven’t been.” “That will change. I will do whatever it takes to prove that to you. I love you, and the children. I promise you that never again will you have to do this alone.” Holding out his hand, he waited for Justin to take it, for Justin to believe what he was saying. Justin looked at the offered hand then turned his attention to Brian’s eyes. “We really have to sit down and work out our issues. We have a lot of shit that we need to get off our chests. You don’t trust me fully, or at least that’s what it seems like to me. Miscommunication, missed signals… whatever. If we are going to do this, we have to be on the same page in everything. The children deserve more than this, and I don’t know if I can be strong enough to deal with all of it alone anymore. I need you there, but I can’t keep going on like this. I hate that we’re not right…but I don’t know what to do to fix it.” “We’ll figure it out together, I promise. I need you. And yes we have a lot of things to talk about. I do trust you, and we’ll work on this on us. We have to. Cause I don’t know if I can survive without you and the children.” Brian pulled Justin by their gripped hands and held him tightly in his arms. “I think we might need some serious daddy time.” “No complaints from me.” Justin placed a light kiss on the side of Brian’s neck. “I do love you; we just have to work on the liking you bit right now.” “Definitely. First Christmas with the kids, and while we’re at it, we’ll work on the liking bit.” “Sounds like a plan.” Justin pulled back again and gave Brian a small smile. “Is it okay if I stay here until tomorrow night? I don’t want to be gone and have the kids think that I abandoned them. I just don’t think…” “They understand, and they are okay with it. We’ll be there when you’re ready.” Brian placed a light kiss on Justin’s lips as he headed toward the door. “I love you, and we’ll work on the rest, together.” Brian pulled open the loft door, hating that he was leaving Justin alone, but knowing that at the moment it was the right thing to do. “Now, come over here and make sure you lock the door, okay? I want you home safe and sound.”