Plot bunny – Judy

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Dear Justin:

I’m sorry to do this to you, but I just can’t stay here any longer. I tried, I really did. I know that you wanted to help me through this and part of me wants that too. But another part of me wants to just go away and hide. I’m afraid that I’m taking the coward’s way out and I’m going away for a long time. Maybe forever, I don’t know. 

I do know this; you don’t deserve to have a boyfriend who is sick. I know that it would eventually destroy everything that we have together. It’s bad enough I’m twelve years older, but now this. And as far as I can see, it will only get worse. Time doesn’t go backward for anyone, even Brian Kinney. I find myself drifting in a black balloon of uncertainty and pain. You are my only salvation and the light of my life. I know that. And I know that you are wondering then why I’m doing this. Why Brian Kinney is choosing to run away rather than stay and fight. It’s the drifting Justin, this endless drifting into nothingness that haunts me in my sleep. 

If this was the sixties, I’d say I was ‘trying to find myself’ and maybe I am. I really don’t know. I do know that all my tried and true methods of staying anchored don’t work. There is no point to drinking myself stupid or taking the alphabet in drugs cooked up in some dykes kitchen. You taught me that Justin. You taught me that I have to face my enemies head on and not drift aimlessly through life. So that’s what I’m going to do but my enemies are nameless and faceless. They are inside my head, and Justin, I need to do this on my own. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less. It just means that I can’t selfishly let you support me emotionally.

In this envelope is a power of attorney in your name. I want you to run Kinnetek. After all you named it and you have the strength of youth behind you. You also have the biggest balls of anyone I know. If anyone can do it, you can. If you don’t feel you can I will understand. There is a second power of attorney in Cynthia’s name should you not want to have anything to do with Kinnetek. But Justin, I really hope that you will overlook my cowardice and realize that Kinnetek was something we believed in together and keep it together until I can return to Pittsburgh.

The loft of course is yours. I put it into your name when I bought Kinnetek. I figured that it was bad enough I was gambling with my financial life, I didn’t need to gamble with your home. And I do think of it as your home. Cynthia has all the details at the office.

Ted will continue to be Kinnetek’s accountant. He’s hard working and he’s learned a lot from the last year or so. I don’t think you could go wrong in keeping him on. But it’s your call Justin. I want you to be comfortable running the business. I’m taking my car and a few clothes. Everything else is yours to do what you want with it. Don’t let Gus forget me. Make him understand that I love him.

Justin, no one and I mean no one other than yourself and Ted knows that I’m doing this. Ted because he is integral to the business and you because I love you with all my heart. I know I’ve never said it often. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. I love you Justin Taylor. I’m not asking you to wait for me or even to keep on loving me. I am asking for your forgiveness in taking such a cowardly way out. I will be continuing the treatments started in the Pitts and I’ll monitor my health. I know you would worry otherwise. This is something I promise you. 

Forever
Brian.

Justin had picked up the letter off of the top step that led into the bedroom. Brian must have thought that would be the first place he’d head when he got off his shift at the diner. He didn’t bother to look and see if Brian had really disappeared. He could feel it. He had felt it at ten o’clock when he was working. He’d been sure that Brian had been watching him. And maybe he had looked in through the brightly lit diner windows. But Justin hadn’t seen him. He had only felt the final goodbye.

It was funny, the rest of his shift he’d been on automatic pilot. No one would have believed him if he’d said that Brian had left Pittsburgh. But he did, and he was gone and all he left behind was a fucking piece of shit letter.

Another time, another place, Justin might have cried for everything that was and what could have been. But not now, now he felt nothing. He was dead inside. Oh he could talk and walk and breath, but the light, the fire, the warmth inside him. That was all Brian fucking Kinney and it was gone. Holding a cold piece of paper with the words ‘I love you’ written on it in Brian’s sturdy handwriting meant nothing. It was only a waste of fucking ink as far as Justin was concerned. A waste of fucking ink. 

Like some preprogrammed android, Justin carefully placed the letter in what was now ‘his’ top dresser drawer. He added it to the pictures that Brian had kept there, the small mementos of places they’d been and things they’d done. It was a private drawer this drawer full of memories and now it was ‘his’ drawer. He took of his clothes and put them carefully in the laundry hamper. Something he had never done before, but now it was only him here in this vast cold and sterile loft. He had to keep it the way Brian did. An unconscious thought and one that Justin would never admit to if anyone had asked.

Padding into the bathroom Justin turned on the shower. His eyes seeing Brian’s toiletries though they were no longer there. The mind plays tricks when you are in shock. Though of course Justin was only doing as expected of him. He always showered when he came back from the diner. His heart always beat and his breathing always worked. He looked in the bathroom cabinet and found a bottle of Brian’s shampoo tucked in the back and one bar of his favorite sandalwood soap. He carefully placed them in their sacred spots in the shower before turning on the water as hot as he could stand it and showering the smell of the diner off of him replacing it with the smell of Brian. And if tears leaked from his eyes, no one would know. The downpour of the water mixed with them quickly and helped wash them down the drain. And Justin’s heart continued to beat and he continued to breathe, though both things were painful to do.

It was Friday night and the boys would be waiting in Babylon for Brian and Justin, the happy couple. But now there was only Justin. Brian was gone and so Justin locked the doors to the loft, set the alarm and headed for the bedroom after carefully unplugging the phone. He didn’t worry about missing a call from Brian. He knew that he would never hear from him for a long time, if ever. In stead he crawled into Brian’s side of the bed and place his head on the pillow and shut his eyes. Willing himself into sleep, hoping against hope that the pain in his heart would go away.

Saturday came and went. Justin got out of bed long enough to use the toilet and once he got a bottle of water, but other than that he slept. Because as long as he slept, he could dream of Brian and remember how happy he’d thought they were.

By Sunday, people started to knock on the door looking for the two of them, but Justin stayed in bed. He kept his head on Brian’s pillow hoping to catch the scent of the man he loved, though time was taking care of that and it was being replaced with the stale smell of Justin’s unwashed body. No one could come in. No prying eyes could see his pain, because Brian and he had changed the locks only the week before. Justin had laughed at Brian’s attempt at being handy, but the locks had finally worked and the only two keys were ceremoniously put on each of their key rings. A commitment ceremony of sorts Justin had thought at the time. 

Justin stayed in bed, his eyes focused on Brian’s face that he could almost see next to him, though it blurred slightly when tears would fill the orbs to be hastily brushed away. Sunday night was long and lonely, because the reality had finally set in. Brian was gone. He wasn’t coming back. He ran away like some thief in the night. Stealing Justin’s heart and soul and leaving only a shell.

Monday morning came. Justin got out of bed, showered and then headed into the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of stale guava juice before dressing in a suit and tie, taking Brian’s briefcase off of the desk and leaving the apartment. He walked into Kinnetek arriving as Cynthia arrived. “Cynthia, call a staff meeting would you for eight thirty. It’s mandatory for all staff to attend.” Justin smiled at her though the smile never reached his eyes, as he walked past heading into Brian’s office. “Oh and Cynthia, could you get me a coffee please. I didn’t have time to stop at Starbuck’s this morning.”

Cynthia looked at Justin in astonishment. It was as if he was channeling Brian. And where was Brian? He was always in the office by now. In fact he was always in at the same time that Justin had walked in.

Curious Cynthia poured Justin and coffee and brought it into him. She was surprised to see that he was sitting at Brian’s desk going through the file folders that had been left on top of the desk. Each one had a sticky note with Brian’s hand writing on it. “Justin?” she said.

“Oh thanks Cynthia, have a seat. I’ll tell you what’s happening. You can make your own decision as to whether or not you’ll help me. Brian has to be away for a period of time. He’s asked that I take over Kinnetek. Now I know that I don’t have the experience but you do. I will be relying heavily on you for advice and guidance while Brian is away. Are you willing to help?”

“Where has he gone? He can’t leave now, we’ve got three proposals in the works and the contracts to sign on the Anderson project.”

“I have Brian’s power of attorney Cynthia. I can’t say why or where Brian has gone. I’m afraid that’s something he didn’t want known. Can I count on you to support me with the rest of the staff?”

“Certainly Justin, if that’s what Brian wants.” Cynthia stood up. “But this is the last time I get you a coffee, you can get your own damn coffee from now on.”

“Fair enough.” Justin said with a laugh. Cynthia felt the hair on the back of her neck rise when she noticed that Justin’s laugh had been dead and that his eyes were no longer a warm blue, but now they were ice cold, the blue of ocean depths, cold and forbidding.

Justin watched Cynthia leave and then he sat in front of Brian’s computer and turned it on. There was no earth shaking message to give him some insight as to where his lover had disappeared to. Though when he checked on some of the web sites Brian had accessed they were all on testicular cancer, the treatments, the suggested causes, the results, good stories and bad. And Justin wondered if Brian had only seen the bad and not the stories with the happy endings.

He hadn’t understood that the fact he couldn’t get an erection since the surgery didn’t mean that is was a permanent problem. With Brian everything was forever. He was the most impatient man Justin knew. He checked back on the hard drive to see what files Brian had erased. Brian never did understand that it was almost impossible to actually lose a file in a computer. If someone knew what they were doing, they could almost always retrieve it. And Justin felt no guilt when he began his search for clues. Brian had given up his right to privacy as far as Justin was concerned when he wrote that letter and ran away.

With not much effort Justin located Brian’s complete list of bookmarked web sites. He was surprised to see that one of them was an on line journal. Just as he was about to try and log into it, Cynthia stuck her head in the door, “Justin, everyone is in the Board Room now.” 

He startled. It must have been his guilty conscience he thought as he turned off the computer to head down to the Board Room.


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Cowardly Lions and how I relate March. 22nd, 2004 @ 13:26 pm 


Hellinthepitts

I haven't gone far. Maybe it's not too late to come back and tell Justin that I'm an asshole and that I'm sorry. I know he'd through my words in my face and tell me that sorry was bullshit and he'd be right. 
I watched him through the diner window as he cleaned up and served the few fags who had ventured forth on this shit night. I could tell he was unhappy, that he knew something was wrong. I don't know why it is, but we always seem to have a connection with one another. That in itself should tell me something. I almost went into the diner, but I didn't. I wouldn't be the cowardly lion if I'd gone in. 

I thought about the letter I'd written. I wished I said more. I wished I could say everything I felt, but I can't - the words don't appear on paper or even in my mouth. But I feel them in my heart. I watched him until the pain inside me was more than I could handle before I turned the key and started the engine to begin a life without Justin, without Gus, with no one but myself - and I wonder if it's all worth it. Will I find what I'm looking for?

Fuck Justin I love you 

Current Mood: guilty

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Sucks to be Me March. 22nd, 2004 @ 09:58 pm 


Kinnetekhell 

In an effort to look creative and busy as I sit in Brian's fucking office. I have decided to record my thoughts in a LJ - I've never done this before but I figure it's better than writing some damn journal and having Mikey find it. I'm assuming he can read. 

Cynthia is gathering the troops together for the summit meeting with their new boss - I can hardly wait - I would say that I was terrified, but frankly I feel absolutely nothing. I'm not mad, sad, pissed off or even upset - I guess what I am is creative because I'm making this journal. I hope Brian never gets another hard on in his life. It's my curse to him. The fucking shit. 
Current Mood: creative

My first Day in Kinnetek Hell March. 23rd, 2004 @ 16:55 pm 
Kinnetekhel It's official - I'm in a special form of hell devised by Brian 'the shit' Kinney - I mean my week really sucked when I came home and found THE LETTER and Saturday and Sunday were pretty much a right off while I tried to make myself deal with THE LETTER - 

Now it's Monday - I'm hiding in Brian's office - I have to stop thinking of it as Brian's office. - I made myself clear to MY staff that it was MY office - unfortunately my brain doesn't listen. That and THE LETTER that is in the briefcase reminding me of things I'd rather not remember.

Michael has phoned thirty two times since I got into the office, which now brings the total calls from his number between the loft and here to one hundred and eleven. He'd be pissed if he knew that Brian's cell phone is sitting on this desk vibrating each time he calls. I figure the battery will wear out eventually.

I suppose I'll have to deal with him eventually and with Debbie and the rest of them. Fuck Brian never even told Lindsay and Mel. I'm going to have to make excuses for the son of a bitch - I'd like to just tell them all he fucked off and ran away because he has cancer - but Brian knew that I'd never let his secret out which also pisses me off - 

Color me pissed off - Day one of Kinnetek Hell 


Current Mood: cranky

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To hell and back April 27th, 2004 @ 10:24 am 


kennetichell 

It has been a week. A week since that damn shit left. A week since my whole fucking life had changed. Brian once again, changed the fucking rules on me and frankly I’m so sick and tired of it. One would think that I would be used to the constant BS with him, but I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will. 

Fucking, worthless, chickenshit… Christ, I’m pissed at him. 

The looks I have been getting from the ‘family’. Everyone has been asking me, ‘Where is Brian?’ like I fucking know! Like he would fucking tell me anything! 

How many times have I been shoved off of Mt. Kinney? How many times do I have to fucking put up with his crap, and everyone expects me to just go on… to be the strong one. Well fuck that! I am sick and tired of running back to that shit. 

If the fucker comes back… Well.. I don’t know. I’d like to think that I’ll tell him to forget it, that I never want to see him again, and he can go screw himself for all I care. But I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to do that. I want to be pissed, angry, sad, depressed… but I don’t know what I feel. Everything is so screwed up.

Fuck it… As I said before, I hope he can never get it up again. I hope he is completely miserable, and that no one will touch him. Anything has got to be better than what I’m going through. He has it easy. He left. Left me to deal with all of his issues. Oh well. In time, things will get easier. Right now, I just wish he was here so I can yell and scream at him.



Current Mood: pissed

Current Music: Music? What’s that? The sound of the keys being pressed? The sound of the office?

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Justin sat behind ‘his’ desk, looking over the file Cynthia had placed there not sure what to make out of any of it. He had never wanted to get involved in business, never had any inkling to do so. Hell, he had argued with his father on many occasions about that very fact. Now… now he was stuck there, running a business for the man that had left him. The funniest thing being that Brian had pushed him so hard about going back to school, but since Brian had left, Justin had to once again drop out. There would be no way that he could run Kinnetek AND go to school. 

Besides, he still had a lot to learn. Watching Brian work every night, or almost every night for years, and being an intern for a couple of weeks told him nothing about how things were really done. Told him nothing about the long hours he had to put in, how many lies he would have to tell. Justin knew that if he survived this… if he could last until Brian returned Justin knew that he would never be the same man he once was. 

With each passing day, he could feel himself drifting further and further away from reality. Drifting further away from feeling anything, from being who he used to be. 

Be Careful What You Wish For April. 05th, 2004 @ 19:31 pm 
hellinthepits I wanted to be on my own. I wanted to 'find myself'. I wanted Justin to be his own man. I've watched Justin leave for work every day at seven. I've watched him arrive back at the loft every night after midnight obviously exhausted. What the fuck have I done to him? I wanted more for him than this. I have to leave, I can't stay here any longer watching him and waiting for what? For him to break? For him to turn into ME? 

I don't blame him if he hates my fucking guts. I'm beginning to hate them myself. I called Ted today to get an update and I truly wish I hadn't. It seems Justin barely breaks for lunch. He's quit PIFA again and is devoting himself to Kinnetek. I thought Cynthia would take over most of the accounts. But apparently she's been have a few life crises herself and has taken off early almost every day.

My staff love Justin though. I knew they would. Even Janet in legal has taken to bringing him lunch and fresh baked goodies from home to tempt his appetite. She never did that for me.

Ted tells me the gang have been hard on Justin and that Deb has demanded he show up for dinner on Sunday. I wish there was something I could do, but I just can't handle it right now. I feel even worse than the day I left though I never thought that was possible. I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss his touch. I miss the smell of him. 
Current Mood: depressed

Justin brushed his hair off of his forehead. He was hot and he was tired. It had been a bitch of a day with three pitches to do. He was glad that Cynthia was back now and Ted had been a godsend, but still they had to work on the scheduling. These presentations to new clients took a lot out of him. It was moments like this, when he was in an exhausted state that he would think of Brian without the malice he felt usually. 

He’d remember how hot the man looked when he’d head off to work dressed in his Armani, Prada boots shining. And he’d remember how tired Brian would be at the end of the day and how hard it must have been for him to carry on during those first few days of being ill after his surgery.

But that’s not how Justin wanted to remember Brian. He wanted to remember the good times, the sweet and gentle and happy times. And they did have those, though few and far between on occasion. But they were happy together and understood each other. That’s why Justin couldn’t understand Brian’s reasoning behind disappearing into thin air.
Right before Brian had disappeared, Justin had honestly thought that they were on to something. Something good and solid. But then this happened, and it had thrown Brian for a complete loop. Not telling anyone, the lies and anger. He missed his lover, and at that moment, Justin wished that he had Brian right in front of him. Whether or not he would kick the shit out of him, or make love to him was another question, but Justin only wanted Brian back. Back where he belonged.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Justin looked down at the file in front of him. He had to get with it if he was ever going to make this pitch. Setting it aside, he opened up the live journal and began to type. 

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Wondering where you are April. 08th, 2004 @ 18:31 pm 


Kinnetekhell 

I can’t help but sit here and wonder where you are. Are you okay? Are the treatments working? Are you eating enough? Thoughts like that run through my head over and over to where I can’t think of anything else. I just wish that you would come home. I’m not cut out for this. I’m not. I am not a ad man, I don’t think I can do this.

I am still trying to avoid everyone. Everyone and their questions. Questions that I don’t have the answers to. I don’t think I can come up with a reason why. I don’t know why you left, I don’t know why you felt that you couldn’t stay here and trust us to take care of you. 

Is that it? You didn’t want us to take care of you? I know you had said some shit like that, but I had thought we had worked beyond that, that we had gotten past that. Is it cause you can’t be ‘Brian Kinney – Sex God’? Christ! I am not even going to answer that one cause it’s just totally insane. Totally! Cause once you let your body heal, you will once again be on top of your game. 

But the thing is… you need someone there to help you. If for nothing else than to tell you that you haven’t changed, that you are still the same fucking asshole that you have always been. Granted, right now you are on your way to surpassing even that. 

I am so pissed at you. Do you know that? Do you have ANY idea what I am going through? What you have put me through? What you are putting me through? No, I don’t think you do. If you did, then you aren’t the person I thought you were. 

I am going through hell, right now, Brian. Pure and total hell. I can’t sleep, I can’t think… I just can’t do anything. I miss you, and I want you here. Where you belong. Do you get it?! I don’t care that you are sick. You took care of me when I was sick, why couldn’t you at least give me the chance to take care of you? 

Strong… that’s what everyone calls me. Strong and stupid, for putting up with you as long as I have.

I just want you home. I just want you to come home.


Current Mood: depressed

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Justin closed out the journal entry and let out a small breath. Standing, he grabbed the file and walked out to the conference room. IT was time to try and win the account. Time to try and pretend that everything was all right, that he wasn’t dying inside. Time to be ‘Brian Kinney’. One day he might actually get it right.

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The Process of Grief April. 28th, 2004 @ 22:37 pm 


Kinnetek hell 

I remember doing a paper once in school on the things people go through when they lose someone. In a way, I wasn't really sure if it was true or not, since I never really lost anyone before. 

With my father, I don't really know if I went through all the steps since he was still around. Always a constant in my life, even if it was just a constant pain in my mom's ass. But I did feel the sadness, the anger... then I felt the acceptance. The acceptance that he will NEVER accept who I am, what I am. He will never accept that his son is gay. I guess that I have to deal with that in my own way. With him... I do have a chance to maybe start over with him. Maybe one day in the future. So I guess I'm not entirely sure about the whole 'process of grief'.

That brings me to Brian... 

Is he even alive? Hell if I know. I would have liked it if he had at least sent me an e-mail saying that he was still alive once in a while. Hell even a message on the phone when he KNEW I was out. I don't know. Something would fucking be nice. Just a little word that he is alive and doing okay. That the cancer that had plagued his body hadn't spread, that they had gotten it all, and he wasn't still getting sick from the radiation.

SOMETHING! But does he give me shit? No. Not a word. Not a note, nothing. Fucking prick.

So here I am... I have finally gotten over the sadness/depression part of it. I have moved on. Now... now I'm pissed. Pissed that he had to leave. Leave me to deal with all of his issues. Everything. Deal with Kinnetek, deal with Gus, deal with the 'family, deal with the loft... deal with EVERYTHING. I have had to give up everything all because he THOUGHT that he wasn't good enough. Thought that he couldn't deal with people around him. Well fuck him!

There are so many nights I come home after dealing with stupid people at work. Deal with all the crap that goes on there. Pretend that I'm all right; pretend that I know what the fuck I am doing. Just pretend. That's all I'm doing. That's all that is getting me through the day. Pretending that I am happy. 

But at night, sitting in the loft, all I want to do is scream. I want to completely take everything here and just throw it out. Throw out everything that even reminds me of him. Hell even selling the place that is becoming my damn prison sounds good. I want to have a damn orgy right here on HIS bed. In HIS shower. In HIS place. I want to just screw him over. 

Just like he is screwing me over. 

He has officially taken everything from me. Taken all that I have, and all that I am. I'm becoming him. I'm becoming someone different. I feel it. Right now... I just hate Brian fucking Kinney. I hate him for making me be without him. For thinking that I can't deal with him being sick. 

Who knows... maybe one day, the anger will leave me too. The question is.... what will be left. 


Current Mood: angry
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“Justin, I’m sorry, but they insist on seeing you.” Cynthia looked at him with desperation in her eyes. “I tried my best but I’m afraid you’re just going to have to deal with them. “Oh” she said as she was pushed aside by Michael.

“Look you little shit. I want to know where Brian is and why isn’t he returning his phone calls?” 

Justin in a gesture that was familiar to all of them who were crowding into Brian’s excuse me, his office, pinched the bridge of his noses in a gesture characteristic of la Kinney. Fuck he was channeling the son of a bitch now. 
He sighed dramatically. “Brian is out of town at the moment. I think I managed to get that message to each and every one of you at least ten times in the last week. Asking me every day isn’t going to change my answer. BRIAN IS FUCKING OUT OF FUCKING TOWN.” Justin could feel himself losing it completely. He stopped himself from saying another word and shut his eyes like a cat, to hide from all of the prying eyes that were looking at him. If he couldn’t see them, then they weren’t there.

“Justin honey, I don’t think screaming at us is very polite.” Lindsay began. 

“Linds, I’m sorry, but I have a bitch of a headache. I have a presentation to do in fifteen minutes and Brad has royally screwed the boards. I’m a little tense at the moment and having all of you bugging me about my boyfriend isn’t helping me any. Did any of you think that if Brian wanted you to know where he was, he would have told you?”

“But Justin, you can tell us, we’re his friends we just want to know he’s okay.” This was from Debbie who was trying to reason with Justin as if he were a child.

“Deb, Brian has asked that I keep his confidence. He’s my partner, I have to respect his wishes whether I want to or not. I agreed to put up with all of Brian’s shit when I agreed to be his partner. It’s what partners do. And believe me I could write a fucking book about Brian Kinney’s shit. But right now I have the dubious pleasure of running his business and making sure that when he returns it’s better than ever. You all know the lifestyle he likes to keep himself in. Well I’m supporting in it with my fucking blood. Justin could feel his grip on reality slipping again and he paused to get his bearings.

“But I needed Brian to watch Gus this weekend. Mel and I have a retreat to go to. He promised us weeks ago he’d do it.”

“What time will you be bringing Gus over?”

“Is six on Thursday night alright?” Lindsay asked. If we leave Thursday we won’t have the weekend traffic to deal with.

Justin was mentally rearranging his schedule. If he could keep Gus happy here at Kinnetek for a couple of hours on Friday, it should work out okay. Maybe a weekend with the little guy was what he needed. “Six is fine. Will you pick him up on Sunday night?”

“Could you drop him at the day care for us please on Monday morning?” Lindsay asked. 

“No problem.”

“Justin, Brian promised he’d get the ads out for Rage. You haven’t even given me the proofs yet.” Michael began.

“I’ll look into it.”

“Justin, don’t forget to come for dinner on Sunday. Gus loves to be at our house. I understand that Ben will be making the dessert.”

“As long as it doesn’t have tofu in it I’ll eat it.” Justin said. He looked at the clock. “Guys, I’m sorry to cut this short, but I do have a meeting. I promise to give your messages to Brian when I talk to him. And Michael, stop calling Brian on his cell. He doesn’t have it with him. He left it here.”

“Why did he do that? He never leaves his cell phone.”

“He was in a hurry and forgot it. What can I say” Justin shrugged. Everyone filed out of the office except Emmett. He shut the door and faced Justin across the desk.

“Honey, if you want to talk about it, I’m here for you. Brian has run off hasn’t he?”

Justin looked at his friend but said nothing though his eyes darkened with sadness.

“Tell you sugar plum. You do what you need to do. I’ll be close by if you need a shoulder. I won’t say a word to the others.” Emmett’s heart broke for the despair he saw in Justin’s eyes. He resolved to stop by on the weekend, Justin would need some help with the rambunctious three year old.


Justin gave Emmett a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he tried to keep the tear at bay. He hated lying to everyone, letting everyone believe that he was still in touch with his supposed partner. Justin sat on the edge of the desk, closing his eyes trying to will the pounding in his head to stop. “Things will get better. He’ll be back in no time.” He explained to Emmett hoping that the other man believed him.

Emmett walked up to Justin and placed his hand on the young man’s shoulder. “But if you need anything… I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Em. I’ll keep that in mind.” Justin stood and took a deep breath. He had to get this account, he had to get back in the mind-frame that everything was okay. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Justin sat on the floor, watching Gus quietly play on the floor. Linds and Mel had just dropped the young boy off, and Justin silently envied them. Envied the fact that they could go away together, that they could get away, while Justin’s life felt like it was spinning out of control. Leaning back to rest his head against the wall as he stretched out on the large pillow, Justin once again tried to calm himself enough to get rid of the headache that had plagued him for days. 

Briefly he wondered if he could get a refill of his migraine medication from the doctor, the same ones he had had since the bashing. It had been a long time since they had struck with such force, that Justin had let the prescription fall to the wayside. But now, Justin was realizing that he may have to go back to taking them. 

That was one of the last things that Justin wanted. He didn’t want to go back to that. Back to the feeling of hopelessness, of not being able to function. The drugs had always made him feel out of it, and not being in the right frame of mind was not what Justin needed right now. The last thing he needed was for anyone to find out that he had no clue where Brian was, or if the older man was even alive. He didn’t want to put up with the looks and the shit he would get from the family. If he continued to let them think that he knew where Brian was, then he could keep making up stories about what Brian was doing, and keep the family off of his back. 

He wondered, briefly, what Brian would do when he returned. What the older man would spin to try and get out of the serious tongue-lashing he would get from the family? Would he destroy everything that Justin had tried to tell them? Would he ask Justin what lies he had told or just go on as if nothing was wrong? Justin wasn’t sure if he really cared one way or the other. Brian was gone, and he just had to deal with it. Justin had to keep things going, if for no other reason than the fact that it was his life too. The loft was his home, and Justin knew that in order to keep it he would have to play the part. He would have to play the good partner, and pretend that he was starting to hate the whole thing.

In recent days, Justin had started to feel the walls closing in around him. Both at the loft and at Kinnetek. He was feeling trapped and suffocated. He felt the need to just escape, run like Brian had, but knowing that he couldn’t. His mind drifted back to the girls and their ‘need to get away’. He tried to remember a time when he and Brian had just packed up and went on a trip. Yes, they had gone some places, but nothing at all like this. The one trip they had planned had ended with Brian canceling. “And then there was Ibiza,” Justin stated with anger tainting his voice. The wonderful trip the two were going to go on, only for Justin to walk into Kinnetek to find that Brian was leaving without him. He had found out that Brian instead went to the hospital, but that brought out more anger at his lover, so Justin only shook his head. 

He couldn’t think that way, he couldn’t allow himself to. Brian was gone, for whatever reason that the older man had concocted in his mind. Brian felt that he had to leave, and now Justin could only deal and try to go on with his life. “Brian’s life,” he sighed as he turned his head to look at Gus. Justin had been trying to figure out why Brian had left. Why the man had just left all of this – all of them behind? Nothing that made any sense would come to mind. He just couldn’t fathom it. He couldn’t see a point in his life when he would leave everything and everyone in his life. He couldn’t picture himself doing what Brian did when it was obvious that the older man needed his family close by. 

Then again, Brian hadn’t told anyone about it to begin with. Justin had only found out by accident. 

Shaking off thoughts of his lover, Justin stood to check on dinner. As long as he kept himself busy he would survive this, he had to. He hadn’t survived getting his head smashed in by a bat only to have Brian and his damn drama moments destroy him now. 

After he had fed, cleaned and put Gus to bed, Justin sat down at the computer and stared at the presentation he had Monday morning. Trying to come up with what he was going to say to try and win the account was not what he wanted to do, but he knew that he had no other choice. He would have to get his head together and get this right. Letting out a deep breath, Justin opened up his explorer and logged into the live journal he had set up. Maybe if he got his thoughts out, then he could concentrate.

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You Can't Find Yourself If You Have No Idea Where to Look April. 29th, 2004 @ 17:28 pm 


Hellinthepitts

I did it. I left Pittsburgh. It was killing me watching Justin every day and not being able to touch him. I was going to leave yesterday, but I was too fucking sick after that last treatment. So first thing this morning I was gone. The doctor says that the prognosis is good. That it's unlikely I'll have a reoccurrence and that I should give up smoking. 

I've given up my life isn't that enough? Running away. Of course that's what I'm doing. Calling it anything else is stupid and I'm certainly not stupid. Of course Justin is pretty pissed with me. I can tell by the way he holds himself. You don't love someone as long as I've loved Justin and not know how they are feeling. I keep telling myself that he'll get over it. That he'll find someone who deserves him. Who is young and beautiful and unscarred? Someone who won't be afraid to tell him the things he wants to hear and to actually mean them. 

The banjo player was no good for him. Justin needs someone of substance. Like me. Fuck did I just say that. Justin needs me. Then why in hell am I hiding out like some kind of criminal. Why am I afraid to be with him? Why am I terrified that he'll look at me and cringe when he sees my scars? Will he avoid touching my balls so he doesn't have to guess which one is real? 

He'll understand someday that I'm doing this for his own good. He'll be a man who is young and beautiful and not saddled with some old fag boyfriend who is past his prime and too dumb to lie down and die. I know Justin, he'd never leave. He honors his commitments but it would kill him inside living with someone who is old and sick. I can't let him do that. He won't have to make that choice.

Ted said that he thought Justin was working on the computer a lot more than usual. I wonder if he has a live journal or if he's surfing the net. I wish there was some way I could find out. He used to love to surf the net. Look at hot guys, compare them to me or the tricks at Babylon.

He needs to get a better car. Winter is coming and that piece of shit he has will never last. I wonder if there is some way I can get him to buy one. 

No, he needs to do things on his own. I can't keep looking after him. I want him to grow up and be independent and yet I would kill to be able to do one little thing for him to make his life better.

I love you Justin Taylor. 


Current Mood: contemplative

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Needs vs. Wants May. 01st, 2004 @ 20:08 pm 


Kinnetekhell Needs :

1) roof over my head
2) food
3) utilities
4) new car (since Brian took the damn vet and the piece of shit I got won’t last much longer) – Is this a want or a need? 

Wow, thinking of that should be easy. What do I need? The only problem is… what I need and what I want are merging together in my mind. Maybe if I put down my wants… 

Wants: 

1) Sanity
2) Sleep
3) Love
4) A damn partner that gave a damn about me
5) Family leaving me the fuck alone! For them to quit asking me questions about Brian and where he is.
6) Brian to get a fucking clue and come back! 
7) For this constant headache to go away, for my damn hand to quit shaking, for my life not to be a fucking mess…

Angry much? That’s what he had asked me when I had joined the ‘possy’ Was I angry much? I try to think back to see if I had ever felt this way about something, if I had ever been this angry and I can’t come up with it. I can’t even think of a time when all I wanted to do was get the hell out of this place. Just completely escape. Cause that whole idea is beginning to look like a damn good idea. Sad isn’t it? I mean Brian really hasn’t been gone that long. Only a couple of weeks, but I feel like things are just starting. Things are going to get worse and worse. Will there ever be a time when I can just be ME? When will I be able to do what I want to do? When I don’t have to worry about what everyone will think and/or feel? 

No… I couldn’t do that. I’m not Brian. He’s the asshole who left, who had dumped all of this shit on me to deal with. He’s the one who had turned his back on all of us. 

The worst thing… I’m becoming him. I feel it, I know that it’s happening, but what can I do about it? What can I do to be me? 

Will I ever be able to remember who I am when or if he comes back?

I guess that’s the thing that is really bugging me. I would like to think that he is coming back, but that thought is starting to look highly unlikely. I am beginning to doubt that he will come back. I mean if he was then he would at least call right? He would drop me a note or something to tell me that he as still alive. Right? He would at least leave me something even if it is just a ‘hey, I’m okay’ note. 

Right? Or have I completely lost my mind?

Current Mood: angry
(Leave a comment)


~*~*~*~*~


“Theodore, I need answers and I need them now. What the hell is going on? You said that you had some information for me, and that it was important, now what the FUCK is going on?” Brian asks as kindly in the phone as he could. Since the day he had actually left Pittsburgh, Brian had been plagued with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t get past the idea that he had made the biggest mistake in his life. But he knew he couldn’t go back. Not now, maybe not ever. Justin deserved more. He deserved a hell of a lot more. 

“I did what you asked and I checked the computer.” Ted stated through the phone. Brian could hear the exhaustion in the other man’s voice, but all he cared about was what he had to say. “It seems that Justin is keeping an on-line journal.”

“A what?” Brian asked shaking his head. He had never heard of this, except if it was related to work. Justin didn’t seem like the type to keep a journal, it seemed so out of character for the young man. “So I can access it?”

“It’s on-line, you can view it anytime. Open to the public. It’s at livejournal.com, he’s using the username of Kinnetekhell. Sort of ironic don’t you think?” Ted laughed slightly. 

“Did you look at it? What does it say?” Brian asked ignoring Ted’s attempt of humor. “Never mind. Just keep me informed as to what’s going on. I’ll check it out myself.”

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Truth or lies May. 05th, 2004 @ 20:15 pm 


hellinthepitts

What is going on there? What the HELL is going on?

Yeah, I have Theodore keeping an eye out, but I don't think he's telling me everything. Either that or Justin is getting damn good at hiding his feelings. Cause I can tell you what I am reading on his LJ and what Ted is telling me are two totally different things... well not totally different, but it's enough to scare the shit out of me.

When Theodore had told me that Justin had a On-line journal, I thought he was nuts. Luckily I could check it out without any problem. I just wish now that I hadn’t. At least in part. 

Theodore says that business is going great, which I had no doubt. But his hints that Justin is acting like me scares me to death. He says it's slight and maybe only temporary, but that's not good. Since I had left them all, leaving Justin with everything, forcing him to handle a hell of a lot of shit, Ted believes that it is normal. 

I hope to God he's right. The last thing I wanted was to lose Justin. Lost him in a way that I may never get him back.

Does he have a right to be angry with me? Hell yes, but I can only keep an eye on his LJ to see how he handles it. I can't see him... I can't be there to help him. Not now. Maybe someday but not now. Of course I can't blame him for being pissed at me. I can't. I didn't leave him much of a chance did I?

I’m learning a lot about Justin from reading the Journal however, I am learning what is going on in his life, what he is thinking… what he is feeling. I hate that he is in pain, and reading the emotions he is going through… 

I have to wonder if I am making the right decision.

No I am. I know I am. Justin deserves better. He will get through this. I know he will

Justin is strong. So damn strong. Stronger than I can ever hope to be. My leaving proves that.

All I know is that once I get a handle on this, I will think of a way to make this up to him. Make it right. I won't come home until I can do that. Until I can give him something more than he had now. Well before I left. 

It's the least I can do.


Current Mood: worried

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Brian lay back on the bed in the small, run-down hotel. He had to find some cash soon so he could stay there and get better. He knew that trying to pull money out of his account wouldn’t be smart so before he had left town he had withdrawn a couple of thousand dollars. Enough to get by for a while. 

However, money was getting low, so Brian had to come up with something. Maybe a call to Ted so he could send him money would be in order. Maybe he could set up a dummy account so that Ted could put money in there. Not a lot, just enough to tide him over for a while. The last thing Brian wanted was to take too much money which could leave Justin in a bind.

~*~*~*~*

Justin walked into Babylon determined to get the release that he had been craving since Brian had left. Determined to get drunk, stoned… fucked. Whatever he could to forget that his life was a living hell. To forget that he had nothing that was his own, nothing that was him anymore. Everything he was for the past couple of weeks… hell months had been Brian. His loft, his job… Everything was Brian. Justin had nothing that he could call his own. 

Justin knew that he was quickly losing himself in the whole mess. He knew that he was beginning to lose his own identity, but he was helpless to stop it. He hadn’t picked up a sketch pad since the day that Brian had walked out on him. He hadn’t had the time to even think about his art. Michael had been upset when Justin had been unable to get to him the panels, despite the fact that Justin had explained to the other man that he didn’t have the time and he did need to sleep despite what people thought. Justin wasn’t a machine. He had told Michael that if his damn best friend hadn’t left then he would have had the time to do this, but since Brian was a chickenshit, Michael would just have to wait. 

In all honesty, Justin hadn’t felt like drawing anything related to Rage. The thought of trying to draw Rage and JT together sent him into either a depression spell or filled him with such anger. 

So Justin decided that he just needed to forget. Forget about Brian and the hell his life had become. If only for one night. He had started off the moment he had gotten off of work around four, after calling it an early day, drinking the liquor that filled the loft. He had contacted Anita and filled his jacket pockets with all the drugs he would need to have a weekend of nothingness. He wanted… no needed to feel nothing. He needed to not feel the loneliness and anger. 

After a couple of beers at the bar, Justin made his way through the crowd, slipping a tablet of E into his mouth as he grabbed a trick and lead the way to the back room. He could make out the looks from the others, the looks of pity. Justin didn’t want nor need their pity. He was used to getting fucked over by Brian Kinney, used to having them wonder why he even bothered. He was used to it all, he only wished that he wasn’t. He wished that for once he could have a normal life and a normal, healthy relationship. 

Brian wasn’t healthy, everyone knew that. Justin just couldn’t find a way to live without the older man, despite how frustrating it was to be with him. Brian was his whole existence, unfortunately. Then there had been Ethan… far from a healthy relationship. That had been one of his biggest mistakes. Well if you don’t count falling in love with an asshole like Brian. 

Justin knew that what he needed was a break away from everything. A long break from life, and the hell it had become. If Brian ever returned, Justin knew he would have to just pack up and leave. He would have to find out who he was once again. He had to re-discover himself. Quite being Brian Kinney and become Justin Taylor once again. 

The only problem was, Justin wasn’t sure if Brian would ever return. He wasn’t sure if he knew who he used to be anymore. He had brief glimpse, but to go back to that, to become who he used to be before Brian had left… Justin wasn’t so sure he could.

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In Case of Emergency - Please Call Brian A for Asshole Kinney Jul. 4th, 2004 @ 03:37 pm 


Kinnetekhell 

Well my weekend didn't go quite as planned. Here it is Sunday night, I feel like shit. My stomach hurts - who would have thought having your stomach pumped would cause so much pain. Apparently though I am taking on the Kinney persona, I don't have the Kinney tolerance for mixing drugs and alcohol. After a rather embarrassing trip to the hospital in an ambulance - thank gawd there are a few good Samaritans at the Baths - and thank gawd my emergency contact was the absent Brian fucking Kinney, no one had to know about my little screw up.

So I got to spend the weekend in the Hospital - According to the phone messages - the general assumption is that Brian and I were off having a weekend fuck fest - without of course telling Mikey and the gang. 

1. I would rather have my dick fall off than FUCK Brian Asshole Kinney ever again.
2. I WILL cut of his dick if he ever tries to fuck me.
3. I will never take another of Anita's drugs - I don't care how fucked up I am.
4. Does the Medical Insurance cover this kind of thing?
5. How do I ask Ted without telling him why I want to know?
6. I HATE Brian Fucking Asshole Kinney
7. I'm changing the locks in the loft - that way Brian Asshole Kinney can sleep in the fucking elevator if he ever comes home. He can kiss my ass before I give him a key.
8. If he ever drags his sorry ass back here - I am so OUT OF HERE - Italy here I come.

sign me pissed off in Pittsburgh 


Current Mood: pissed off
(Leave a comment)

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Justin sat in his office at Kinnetek, with his head down on the desk. His head still throbbed, and his stomach still rebelled. Never again would he try to ‘outlast’ Brian Kinney. He had never felt this bad in his life, not even when he was trying to forget after the bashing. He felt lucky though that no one had known about his little trip to the ER. How he was still able to actually write anything in his LJ was beyond him. How he could get even a solid thought through his mind was amazing.

Justin knew that he would have to do something, and fast. He couldn’t go on much longer the way he had. He couldn’t be ‘Brian Kinney’ much longer. His body, his mind, his very existence couldn’t handle it. He knew that people were reading his journal, and making comments, but Justin couldn’t bring himself to even look at the comments. He couldn’t understand how people could enjoy reading his total and complete demise. 

Shaking his head slightly, Justin reached for his day planner and looked it over. All he wanted to do was go home – back to the loft – and sleep. Sleep until he could wake up from this nightmare and be himself again. He had been wondering, briefly during his bouts of complete anger at Brian if he shouldn’t just leave now. If he shouldn’t just pack up and leave to parts unknown, never to grace Pittsburgh again. He knew however that he couldn’t do that. If he did, then he WOULD become Brian, he would be worse than Brian ever could. It was something that Justin could not allow himself to become. He couldn’t take that step. Once Brian came back – if he ever did – then he would leave, but not before.

That brought back the whole idea of what Justin would do if his wayward lover ever returned. How would he feel? Relief that Brian was okay and back amongst them? Yes, he would feel that, he had no doubt. Anger at the way Brian had just left without a word, leaving them all hanging? Most definitely. But what worried Justin the most was if he could ever feel about Brian the way he had just before Brian had taken off. Could he ever love that man again? Did he love him?

Justin wasn’t sure anymore. He was now beginning to understand – in a way that even Ethan’s betrayal had not taught him – how much love was bullshit.

~*~*~*~*~

Brian sat at his laptop and re-read Justin’s latest entry. Pain, sorrow, and anger coursed through his veins. Pain and sorrow at how Justin had fallen, how the man he loved – yes loved – had fallen into the same depths that Brian himself had only just recently dug himself out of. The anger he felt however, was multifold. Anger at his ‘family’ for not watching out for Justin. For believing a word that Justin said about him being okay, and his evident lies about where Brian was at. But most of all anger at himself. He was pissed off beyond belief at his own stupidity. How could he even think that his leaving the way he had would be good for Justin? 

Knowing what he had to do, Brian logged into Live Journal and began to write. He hoped that Justin would see this. He hoped that the link that he had just supplied to Justin’s own Journal would be read and used. 

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Coming Home Jul. 5th, 2004 @ 15:15 pm 


hellinthepitts

Justin,

What can I say that can make this right? What can I do that will change all of this fucked up mess that we have found ourselves in? How can I fix all the pain that I have put you through?

I don’t know, really. I have no fucking clue. But know that I am coming home. I’m coming back to you. I have to. I can’t stand to see what has been happening to you. I can’t stand to see the pain you are going through. I never should have left. It was wrong, yes, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for putting you through that. 

I only hope that one day you can forgive me. Just give me a chance, please. I want to make all of this shit up to you… if you can let me. If you will let me. 

I’m coming home, just as soon as I can check out and get there. I’m leaving tonight. 

Please, Justin. Hang on. That’s all I ask. Hang on. You can yell, scream, bitch and moan all you like. Just please don’t shut me out. Let me … no please give me the chance to make this right. 

I do love you, Justin. I always have. No I haven’t told you, at least not in words, and I haven’t been the best partner, boyfriend… hell even friend to you. Let me make it up to you. Let me make this right. Please.

I will see you soon. Don’t shut me out.

I love you, Justin. 


Current Mood: determined

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Justin sat in front of his computer idly surfing the web. He came back time and time again for some reason to his life journal site. He noticed that there was a comment left and he deliberated whether or not to read it. He really should make the thing friends only. Considering he didn’t have any friends he wanted to view the thing, which would limit access to it.

His thoughts went to the comment again. He wondered who would look at someone else’s journal. Who had the time for shit like that in their lives? 

The phone on his desk rang and he reached for it without thinking. “Taylor” he barked, his voice and demeanor so reminiscent of Brian it was uncanny.

“Justin” 

Justin slammed the receiver down. It was fucking Brian on the phone. He pulled the phone cord out of the phone. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with Brian, though the fact the bastard called told him he was still alive at least.

Galvanized into action despite his sore stomach, Justin headed down the hall toward and empty office. He booted up the computer there and completed the business he should have been doing when he was in his own office.

Making a few phone calls to clients and discussing some of the latest proposals with his staff ate up the remaining hours in the day. He looked at his watch, it was later than he’d planned on staying, but what else was new. Heading back to Brian’s office he noticed a large bouquet of yellow roses on Cynthia’s desk. When he walked into his/Brian’s office there was an elaborate bunch of flowers on the coffee table. Justin picked them up and ceremoniously opened the window and let them fall to the pavement below taking satisfaction in the crash from the vase and splat of the water.

So Mr. Kinney was back. Have fun getting into the loft asshole. Justin laughed to himself and he grabbed his briefcase and headed out the door.


Justin wasn’t sure if he should head straight to the loft or hide out for the night. The thought of leaving Brian to his own defenses without access to the loft sounded wonderful, and yet frightening. The problem was, Justin wasn’t sure where he could go without Brian finding him. Plus there would be the problem that he had to return to the loft if for nothing else than to pack a bag so he could leave. 

Now that Brian was back in town, Justin wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. On one hand he was ready to hand Brian’s life right back over to the man, and get the hell out of dodge. But on the other hand, he loathed the idea of handing what HE had created over to that egotistical asshole. He had worked his bubble butt of for Brian’s company – gave his blood, sweat and tears to make Kinnetek what it was today, and Justin wasn’t sure he was ready to give that up. He wasn’t sure he wanted to stand by and let Brian screw up all of his hard work. 

Knowing that he was not in the right mind at the moment to see his ex-lover, Justin turned the car down one of the deserted streets, heading toward the old playground that he and Daphne used to play on when they were kids. He had to think about what he wanted, and what he would say when he inevitably saw Brian again.

~*~*~*~*~
Justin made his way up the stairs, avoiding the elevator, and in essence giving Brian a chance to do anything. He knew that his lover was waiting for him, he knew it with everything that he was. When he reached the top of the stairs he could only look at Brian and feel the rush of emotions fill his being. He still felt something for Brian, that was obvious, but the cold-hard fury at the man who was now looking up at him hardened his very soul. “Justin.”

“You’re not welcome here, so why don’t you just go back to wherever you were and leave me the fuck alone.” Justin stated as he stood at the top of the stairs. He refused to give an inch, and he knew if he went to open the door now, Brian would make his way into Justin’s sanctuary. That was one thing that Justin could not allow.

“Justin, listen… I’m so…” Brian began as he stood from his spot on the floor beside the door. When he had arrived back in Pittsburgh, Brian went straight to the loft in hopes of starting his plan in motion. He had the entire car-ride to think of a way to try and make it up to Justin, and he felt he knew how to do it. However, once he had arrived at the loft and tried his key, he had found that he had seriously miscalculated.

“Sorry’s bullshit, Brian. And frankly, I don’t want to hear it. You gave up your rights the day you walked out. You have no right to say shit to me, you have no right to the loft, or anything else for that matter. I don’t want to hear your sorry ass excuses.” Justin stated feeling the rage within him. He had wanted to be calm and not allow Brian to see how he had been affected by this mess, but his emotions were getting the best of him. “I suggest you find somewhere else to go. And don’t try the super either, cause he has already been informed that you are no longer welcome in MY home.”

“Justin,” Brian tried to reason with his lover, reaching out to touch Justin.

Taking a step back, Justin shook his head. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me again. You left me, Brian. You left me cause you thought that I deserved better than you. Do you really think that I am that fucking petty that I would give a damn about you not being perfect? I thought we had fucking covered that before!”

Brian watched as Justin closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. When Justin pinched the bridge of his nose, Brian could see what Ted was telling him before. He could see first hand how Justin had become him. “Let me explain… let me try and fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Brian. Nothing at all. Whatever we may have had is gone. You took it all away.” Justin moved so that he stood in front of Brian, well out of reach of the other man, but still able to get his point across to him. “I gave up EVERYTHING! Everything that I had ever wanted in my life is gone. And why? Because you were too chickenshit to stick this out. To let me help you. Well fuck you. I’m not putting up with your shit anymore. I’m not going to give you anything back. I have made a life for myself, I have worked my ASS off for your business… no wait… MY business. I’ve lied to my friends, I’ve lied to myself. So whatever I may have felt for you, is gone.”

“Please,” Brian tried once more.

“No. Go, Brian. Go before I call the police and have you escorted off the property. You’re not welcome here.” With that Justin picked Brian’s bag up off the ground and threw it in the elevator that was waiting at the top. “Good-bye, Brian.” Turning away from his ex-lover, Justin unlocked the door and quickly shut and re-locked it. 

After turning off the alarm, Justin leaned against the cold-metal door listening to the elevator to reach the bottom. There had been so much more he had wanted to say to Brian, so much more he had wanted to get off his chest. However, he knew that he would have time for that later. He would have time to get his thoughts in order, and think of a way to make Brian Kinney pay for ever thinking so little of him. He had become a man since Brian had left. A man who didn’t need the hassle of a lover who felt unworthy.

He needed a plan to keep his sanity and insurance for his future. Whether it be with Brian or not was still up in the air, but Justin knew he would have to take Brian’s teaching on one thing to heart. ‘You only have yourself.’

~*~*~*~*~*~


Justin walked into Kinnetek the next morning and headed straight to his office. Well Brian’s old office. He knew that he would most likely see the other man today, he highly doubted he would be off the hook so soon after their argument the night before. He had to try and figure out however, what he was going to do with Brian. He knew that deep down he would have to allow Brian to be a part of Kinnetek, but in what capacity he was unsure. All Justin knew was that it would be a cold day in hell before he gave Kinnetek back over to Brian. 

As he passed by Cynthia’s desk, he asked her to come into the office. He would have to ask her opinion… especially since he knew how she felt about Brian, and how close the two were. “I want to talk to you, before he gets here, and see what you want to do.”

“I know that Brian’s back. Are you going to give this back to him?” Cynthia asked as she sat down on the couch at the side of the office. 

Justin gave her a small smile and shrugged as he moved to sit down beside her. “He does have a right to be here, he did start it after all. But I … I don’t know. He hasn’t been here for months, he doesn’t know any of the new accounts…”

Cynthia nodded and leaned forward on the couch to place her elbows on her knees. “So what are you going to do?”

“What should I do? You have been invaluable to me these past couple of months, and I know we would not have made it if it wasn’t for you. What do you think I should do?” Justin asked her. He valued her opinion, and knew that she would understand where he was coming from.

“He never did tell you where he was did he? He just took off?” She asked, having finally put her feelings from the past couple of months into words. She didn’t want to believe that Brian had just up and left them all… left Justin, but she had seen the signs, and hated what her friend had done to Justin. She had hated that Brian had put all of this on the young man who had no idea what to do or expect. Despite respecting Brian, and being friends with the man, she knew that he could be an ass most of the time. This time, he had just surpassed everything she had ever seen before. 

Justin only nodded, confirming to the first person since that day that Brian had left without any indication as to where he was going. “All I got was the little letter. Nothing since then… well until yesterday. I won’t even let him back into the loft. I can’t.” Justin felt Cynthia’s hand on his arm and he shook off the sudden wave of depression. “Anyway, I know we need him, and he has a right to be here, but I just… I don’t know.”

“Considering he left us all high and dry… I say fuck him.” Cynthia stated and smiled at Justin’s shocked look. “The way I see it, he gave up any rights to anything here the day he left, the day he abandoned us. I say we let him work on the accounts he brought in…just like any other executive. But to touch anything you did or brought in while he was away… hell no. Make him suffer for a while, then maybe he will learn that he can’t just leave when things get rough.”

Justin knew that she was right, he wasn’t sure how he would be able to handle seeing Brian every day. Closing his eyes, he closed off that part of him that was afraid and had feelings for Brian. He had to, it would be the only way he would get through this. Brian was an employee now. “Do you still want to work as his assistant? I will understand if you do, I can always find someone else to take over.”

“Hell no, not right now anyway. He has to prove himself to me first. A lot of sucking up to do.” She smiled. “Besides… I have my own accounts to work on.”

“Have I told you how much I appreciate everything you’ve doen for me these past couple of months?” Justin smiled.

Cynthia shrugged as she stood up from the couch. “A nice little bonus would be nice. When Mr. Kinney arrives, I’ll send him in.”

“Thanks, Cynthia. I owe you.”

~*~*~*~

“Justin, Mr. Kinney is here to see you.” Cynthia stated through the phone. She looked up at her old boss, and shook her head. There was so much that she would have liked to have said to the man, so much she wanted to yell at him about, but hearing Justin’s ‘let him in’ reply she held off. She figured that at least she would have a front row seat to the fireworks. “Mr. Taylor will see you now.” She said with a smug voice. “And I hope you get what you deserve.”

Brian looked at her and rolled his eyes. He knew that he would not be the most popular person in the world when he returned, but hearing the contempt in his employee’s voice he wondered once again if this was such a good idea. Walking into his office he could see the subtitle changes in the decorum, the touches of Justin that now graced the room. It felt more comfortable… more ‘homey’. Justin was sitting behind his desk, so Brian moved to sit down in one of the chairs in front of him. “Justin.”

Justin glanced up from his schedule with a blank look. The last thing he wanted was to give any of his inner feelings away. He didn’t want to give Brian an inch in which he could use it against him. “I know that I can’t shut you out of Kinnetek… it is your business after all, even if I have the complete control on all issues pertaining to the operation. So I will make you a deal. You can work here, as an employee – ad exec, working on all the accounts you brought into the business. However, anything new that was obtained during your absence will be left to Cynthia and myself. Furthermore, you will be allowed the chance to bring in more accounts, but you are not in charge of the operation of this business. You will not be able to choose whom we pick and whom we decline. You are an employee, and nothing more.”

Brian shook his head and looked at Justin. He couldn’t believe that the cold, calculating man before him was his lover. It seemed unreal to him. “So you want me to JUST be an employee. I fucking put my life into this business… it’s my fucking name on the door…”

“And you handed it all over to me!” Justin said with a slightly raised voice. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm his anger. “You gave up all rights when you walked out that door, Brian. I don’t know if I can trust you to NOT walk out again. You always used to say that I left when the going gets tough, but I have never once left so much behind as you did when you walked out on us. So if you think that I’m going to just hand over this business to someone who can’t be trusted to stick around… after all the shit I have put into this place, you have another thing coming. There are a lot of good people depending on this job, and I won’t let you fuck it up for them.”

Brian closed his eyes trying to reign in his own anger, wishing that he could convince Justin that it would be better to just give him and sign the stuff over to him, he couldn’t do that. A small part of him knew that Justin was right, that he had left everything without so much as a by your leave. He had in essence betrayed his clients by walking out. “For how long?”

Justin looked Brian straight in the eye, making sure that he had the other man’s attention. “As long as it takes for you to re-build that trust. When I feel I can trust you again, I will let you have more things to do. If you excel with that, then I will keep adding stuff until I feel that I can trust you with the everyday operations. Cynthia will show you to your new office.” Justin stated as a dismissal. He wanted… no needed Brian to leave. Seeing the other man in his office, Justin felt his whole world start to spin out of control. He had to be strong, he had to not let his feeling for Brian control him. Not anymore.

~*~*~*~*~*~


The Prodigal Son Returns Jul. 8th, 2004 @ 05:51 pm 


Kinnetekhell 

Well as if I didn't have enough to deal with, Brian fucking Kinney has returned. Amazingly enough he was under the delusion that he could take over where he left off. NOT - When I saw him at the loft I was sure I was going to lose it. But instead I channelled the asshole himself and became a Kinney clone or heartless bastard - either term works - and told him to leave - which he did.

I knew it was only a matter of time before he'd end up at Kinnetek, after all it WAS his company. I think I handled the interview - and that's what it was - rather well - thank god he left right after that because I had a complete screaming, hysterical fit in the bathroom about fifteen minutes later. I knew everyone heard me from the looks I got when I came out of there, but I didn't let on anything was different. I just went back to work.

I feel myself drifting on a tide that's taking me further and further out into the ocean. I feel like I may drown if I drift far enough.

And if it isn't bad enough that my head is telling me one thing. My heart is telling me another. I had to physically hold myself back from throwing my arms around him and holding him tight so he would leave me again. HOW FUCKING SICK IS THAT. I STILL LOVE THE SON OF A BITCH AND IT'S KILLING ME.

color me crazy in Pittsburgh


~*~*~*~*~*~

“Come in Brian, does Justin know you’re back?” Lindsay opened the door and let Brian walk into the house.

“He knows.” Brian said. “Where’s Sonny Boy, I want to see him?”

“He’s at preschool, you should have called.”

Brian walked into the living room and threw himself down on the sofa. “So Linds, I was thinking, I’ve been away so long, that maybe I should spend a few days here in your spare room and get to know Gus again.”

“Pardon me?” Lindsay said slightly incredulous. “Brian, why in the world would you want to do that?”
“I haven’t seen my boy. I think we should have some father/son bonding time.”

“So Justin threw your sorry ass to the curb.” Melanie said as she waddled into the living room. “It’s about time. I drew up the papers for the loft and for Kinnetek, so don’t even think about breaking the contract Justin has. You snooze, you lose Brian.” She laughed mirthlessly and sat down.

“What’s Mel talking about Brian?” Lindsay asked.

Before Brian could say anything, Melanie said with what only could be considered a chortle, “Brian in his infinite wisdom and against my council gave Justin a power of attorney over his affairs. ALL of his affairs and that included transferring the loft and Kinnetek into Justin’s name. It seems Mr. Kinney was running away from life again.”

“You mean to say that all this time that Justin has been working his ass off, you haven’t been helping but instead were hiding out somewhere?” Lindsay looked at Brian, disappointment evident in her eyes. “Do you have any idea what that man has given up for you? He’d been awarded a FULL scholarship for PIFA and he’d won a place on the Italian six week seminar that took place LAST month. He missed out on the chance for a gallery showing of his work because he had no time to complete new pieces and he’s been looking like death warmed over for weeks.” Lindsay’s voice was getting higher and higher in her angry. “I am so disappointed in you Brian. If you want to see Gus, please call ahead. But as for living with us. I don’t think so.”

“I’d rather have a fucking pit viper here.” Melanie added.

“Apparently you two are on the rag. I’ll leave and see you next week.” Brian got up and headed for the door. Melanie beat him to it. She opened it wide and then slammed it though he’d barely cleared the thresh hold.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Hey Deb” Brian began when he walked into the diner. 

“Brian, you aren’t welcome here right now. Lindsay called and told me what you did to Sunshine. Frankly it makes me sick. I’ve seen how depressed and unhappy he’s been. It’s going to take me a little time to forgive you.” She pointed to the door. “And Brian, don’t bother to go to Michael’s, he and Ben have enough to do looking after Hunter. They certainly don’t need you putting your two cents worth in.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Hey Ted, how’s it going?” Brian asked. He signaled the bar tender at Woody’s for a beer.
“Good Brian, but I don’t have any room for you to stay.”

“So the drums have been pounding.”

“More like the phone lines have been burning up.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Brian, what are you doing here? And why are you carrying two suitcases?” Joan Kinney asked as she stepped back from the door.

“Aren’t you going to welcome me home Mom. After all it’s been a few years. I hope you bought a new mattress for my bed.” He began to carry his suitcases upstairs while his mother looked on incredulous. “I’ll give you five hundred a week, make sure there’s fresh guava juice and don’t worry about lunch or dinner, I’ll eat out.” 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I’m in Hell July. 10th, 2004 @ 20:15 pm 


hellinthepitts 

If I have to hear that bullshit about how God is giving me another chance shit, I think I am going to strangle her. No…. I know I will. I had thought, honestly, when I came back to the Pitts, things would be okay.

Now… Fuck. My life is shit!

First, Justin won’t let me back in the loft. He even changed the damn locks on me. Then… Well to say that the ‘family’ do not want to be around me would be an understatement. How was I supposed to know that Justin didn’t tell them? Fuck me!

So what do I do? I go back to dear ol’ mom. I must have been out of my mind when I went there. It’s the only explanation. 

I have to find somewhere else. I can’t stay there any longer. But I can’t access my accounts since they aren’t mine anymore, so I can’t get a hotel. And of course trying to get an advance on my pay would not be a smart idea. 

I guess I only have one other option. The only option really. 

As much as I’m unsure how this will turn out, I have to do it. She’s the only one who will (hopefully) help me try and get Justin back. She’s the only one who can tell me what the fuck I have to do to win him over.

I just don’t know if I will survive the onslaught though. She’s a real bitch if someone messes with Justin. 

Oh well… Anything has to be better than living with the warden.

Going to my judgment day… fuck me!


Current Mood: Nervous


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“You want to do what?” Daphne asked as she opened the door again to stare at the man who had hurt her friend. “You can’t honestly believe that you can come here and ask me if you can stay. Not after what you put Justin through.”

Brian closed his eyes and ran his hand over his face, trying to see if she broke his nose when she slammed it in his face. Not feeling any blood, and noting that it wasn’t moving on him in ways it shouldn’t, Brian felt a little better. “I am asking you if I could stay. You can bitch at me all you want, whatever… I just need a place to crash.”

“So Justin did what I told him to do, huh? He finally got the guts to tell you to shove it!?” Daphne stated with a triumphant smile on her face. “Good for him.” Opening the door wider, Daphne allowed Brian to enter. “Don’t think that this is going to be easy, Mister. I’m pissed off at you, and I don’t like you very much at all right now. Justin is my number one priority, and you have a LOT of explaining and making up to do. So you might as well get comfortable cause buddy, you’re in for one hell of a fight.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Just kill me now July. 11th, 2004 @ 09:15 am 


hellinthepitts 

Should I be working on one of these damn accounts right now? Yes… but Jesus, I’m so tired. 

Which is worse? The Warden or Daphne? Heaven or pure and unadulterated Hell?

I remember the saying ‘a woman scorned’ but I should have realized the shit that one has to go through when you piss off a woman protecting her ‘family’. Cause that’s what Justin is to her… they have known each other forever. 

Five hours! Five long fucking hours, I had to hear it. What a worthless piece of shit I am. What the fuck was I thinking? How I don’t deserve Justin. You name it, I heard it. 

At least she didn’t kick me out. Of course getting the door slammed in my face to begin with was interesting. Luckily she didn’t break my nose. My arm is killing me however… never knew she could hit that hard. 

All I know is that I need her right now. I need her to help me to get back with Justin. She knows him so well… and I need her knowledge to help me. She knows what I need to do to get back in good graces with him. 

Who would have ever thought I would turn to a young girl for help? 

But I need her. So I guess I just have to take my punches, take the punishment. I have to get her to trust me first, and then I can get her to help me. 

Shit… If I knew that it was going to be this much trouble…

No. I would do it. I need Justin, even if he’s not real happy with me right now. I need him. I love him. 

That has to count for something right?

Current Mood: sore

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Justin talk to me.” Daphne demanded. 

“No fucking way, you are supposed to be my friend.” Justin turned his head refusing to look at Daphne who sat beside him on the sofa in the loft.

“I am your friend and because I’m your friend I know that you and Brian love each other no matter how hurt you are at the moment. He loves you and you love him.”

“I fucking hate him.” Justin’s voice was bitter and he turned and glared at Daphne. “I fucking hate him.” There was less conviction in his voice and Daphne could see the beginning of tears in Justin’s eyes.

“You don’t hate him Justin, you love him. You’ve always loved him. You were scared when he disappeared. You were fucking terrified you’d never see him again, that he’d die without you by his side. I know that Justin.” She moved and pulled her friend into her embrace. “It’s alright to feel that way Justin. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. It’s natural.”

“But he left me with everything to do.” Justin sobbed. “He didn’t even care.”

“Of course he cared. Why do you think he left it to you? You were the only person he could trust. He loves you and he trusts you with everything that means anything to him in his life. He trusted you with his business, his son, his home.”

“But he didn’t trust me enough to help him through what he was going through.”

“Did it ever occur to you that Brian was doing the only thing he could think of to survive?”

“Running away from me?”

“No you asshole. He wanted to spare you seeing him less than perfect. He loves you so much and he’s so terrified of losing you.”

“You think he really loves me?” Justin sniffed.

“I know he really loves you, why else would he put up with me at my apartment.”

“I hope you give him a hard time.” Justin wiped his eyes. “Fuck Daphne, I miss him so much I could just die.”

“Then let him come back to you.”

“No, I can’t give in. I’m always the one giving in.” he sniffed again.

“Why don’t you come over and talk with Brian. Consider my place neutral territory.”

“I can’t talk with him. I want him so badly it kills me to talk to him.”

“You might as well face it Justin. You’re going to have to talk to him sometime. You have to give him a chance to explain himself.”

“I’ll go back to your place now.” Justin stood up. “I want to get this over with.”

“It’s late Justin, it’s almost midnight.”

“Are you worried that Brian is out tricking? Because it sure wouldn’t surprise me.” Justin’s voice was bitter.

“He isn’t out tricking. He’s in bed.”

“Brian never goes to bed before one.”

“Well he does now.” Daphne said. “He really hasn’t been well. The treatments took a lot more out of him then he wants to admit.”

“Is he alright?” Justin was worried more than he liked to admit.

“Justin, think about it. He’s been through a lot both emotionally and physically. You have to understand that.”

“Since when are you the cheerleader for Brian?”

Daphne sighed and linked her arm through Justin’s. “If he’s asleep, let him sleep.”

“I will.” 

The drive to Daphne’s apartment didn’t take long and was completed with the two of them sitting in the car in silence. The lights were off in Daphne’s apartment, Justin was sure that Brian was out.

Daphne turned on the lights in the living room while Justin walked down the hall to the second bedroom. He opened the door; Brian was lying on the bed sleeping, tossing and turning. Justin could see that he was sweating and feverish and obviously dreaming. 

“Justin, no, no, no.” Brian murmured, his voice hoarse. Tears streamed down his face and he turned to bury his head under one of the pillows. Justin had never seen him like this before. The fact that Brian was in such distress upset him more than he would like to admit. Without thinking he climbed onto the bed and gathered his lover into his arms, whispering soothing words and kissing his forehead gently. Brian settled down into a peaceful sleep content in Justin’s arms. Justin could feel the other man’s heart beat slow down as he relaxed. 

Justin held Brian until the sun began to creep up over the horizon. He gently released him and crept from the room, closing the door behind him softly. It wasn’t the time to talk to Brian. Daphne had been right though, Brian was a mess and he did love him.



^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Justin sat at his desk and thought about the night before. He had felt so comfortable in Brian’s arms, actually believing that things could work out between them. The only problem was when daylight began to stream through the window; Justin knew that he could not give in. Every time that he and Brian had separated in one form or another, it had been Justin who had come crawling back to Brian. He couldn’t do that again. He couldn’t allow himself to be the one to come crawling back.

This time it was Brian who had walked away, and Justin had been left to deal with everything.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Justin looked down at his schedule. There was a case review for Brown Athletics today, and Justin wondered briefly if the gods were against him. Steeling himself, Justin asked Cynthia to bring Brian in when he arrived. Only two minutes later, the dark-haired man appeared at Justin’s desk. “Cynthia said you wanted to see me.”

“Have a seat. Mr. Brown will be around 1 to discuss his next campaign, and I figured we should get you up to speed on it.” Justin stated as he began to pull a large file from his small filing cabinet beside the desk. “I think everything you need to know will be in there. You can look it over here, and if you have any questions, I’ll answer them after my meeting.”

After Brian had left the office, Justin thought about what had become of his life in recent months. Hell… since he had met the liberty gang. He had always been considered the ‘strong one’, that nothing could harm him. He had fought day in and day out since the day made that step onto Liberty Ave. He had fought to get Brian, fought against Michael’s jealousy, fought against his school, father. Every day had been a battle. He had gone so far as fought against everyone who ever talked bad about Brian. Telling them that they did not know the truth about the man. 

Justin was tired – tired of being strong. He was just so tired, and wondered when he could just have time for himself. Time in which he can be a normal 21 year-old, a normal college student. Hell, he just wished that he could go back to school if he wanted to. Instead, everything was taken from him the day that Brian had walked out of his life. 

“Justin, Michael is on the phone for you.” Cynthia stated.

Picking up the phone, Justin took a deep breath in order to calm himself. The last thing he wanted was to explain himself, or worse yet – Brian to Michael. “I’m really busy, Michael, what can I do for you?”

“Is it true? Did Brian do that?” Michael asked.

“What do you mean?” Justin stated resting his fingers against the bridge of his nose. If he could ever get rid of the damn headache that had plagued him for the past couple of months, he would be happy.

“What I mean? Did Brian just leave without word? Everything you told us before was a lie… Brian just ditched us all?” Michael asked, and Justin could hear the slight anger in his business partner’s voice. “I can’t believe it… well I can, but what the hell was he thinking? Did he really think that we wouldn’t be there for him… that YOU wouldn’t? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Michael,” Justin began. “I really don’t want to talk about it, okay? I had my reasons, and that’s all you need to know. If you have a problem with Brian, take it out on him… I will not be the middle man. Brian did what he felt he had to do for whatever reason. I don’t explain it, I can’t explain it. Now… I have a lot of work to do was there anything else you wanted?”

Michael took a deep breath, realizing that he wouldn’t get anything out of the blond. “Okay… I’ll drop it for now. But, this isn’t over. I’ll see you later tonight about Rage?”

“Yeah… see you tonight.” Justin hung up the phone, almost feeling sorry for Brian. He knew that the others had figured it all out, but he hadn’t gotten anything out of them… not that he wanted to. Justin only wished that they would all just leave it all alone. He remembered seeing Brian the night before, feeling the other man wrapped around him. It hurt, more than Justin could ever remember it being. He wanted Brian still, but he couldn’t allow himself to forgive Brian. He couldn’t forgive Brian for what he had done, maybe one day but that day was not now. No matter how much Justin wanted to take Brian in his arms and hold the man close to him, he couldn’t allow himself to fall back into the trap. Brian had hurt him deeply, more so than ever before, and Justin couldn’t bring himself to letting go like that. He couldn’t trust Brian to NOT break his heart and spirit again. He just couldn’t.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Justin lay on the floor, joint in hand, just staring at the ceiling. The past couple of days had been confusing to say the least – his emotions were in an uproar. On one hand he wanted to teach Brian a lesson, give as good as Brian gave him, but on the other hand he wanted to take the man back into his heart and never let him go. He still loved Brian to this day, and it was extremely difficult for him to see Brian on a daily basis. How could he even think that having Brian working at Kinnetic was a good idea? How could he survive this without becoming worse off than he already was?

Justin wanted to believe that Brian came back because he wanted to make things right between them, but how the other man could do that was beyond him. Justin wasn’t sure that anything could fix this mess. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to try. What would happen if he let Brian back in? What would happen the next time Brian decided that Justin wasn’t enough, or couldn’t be enough? Would he once again reel Justin in and then stomp on his heart? Justin wasn’t sure he could survive another heartbreak. He knew that the next time Brian did something like this it would completely destroy him… this time had come sooo close, that Justin wasn’t sure he could tempt fate anymore. 

‘He’s hurting so much.’ Justin thought. He still couldn’t get the picture of Brian thrashing in the small bed out of his head. He wondered what Brian had been dreaming about to where he would be calling out Justin’s name in his sleep. “It’s not my concern. He gave up any rights he had to me the day he walked out.” Justin scolded himself. He couldn’t get soft… being soft only got him hurt in the end. He had to become Brian… he had to close off any part of his heart and brain to love. If he was going to survive, he had to become the man who had hurt him so badly. “Now I know really what Brian had said all those years ago.”

Shaking his head he took a long drag of his joint. He couldn’t think about that… he had to NOT think about Brian. Justin had a lot of work that he knew he should be doing, that he had to do, but he knew that in his current state of mind he couldn’t do it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

  

What to do… what to do Jul. 18th, 2004 @ 03:37 am 


Kinnetichell 

Let me see… what to do. That is the question isn’t it? The question I have been asking myself for months… and more so now that the asshole has returned. 

Brian is back, and I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him. How can one build the trust that we had? How can one make up for what he had done, rebuild what he had completely and totally destroyed? I don’t think he can. I honestly don’t.

Will there ever be a time when I don’t look at him and hate him all over again? Will there ever be a time when I don’t resent him for all the SHIT he had put me through? 

I don’t know. Maybe in time we can be friends, but right now… just looking at the bastard pisses me off. I see him, and I just want to rip him a new asshole. I want to make him suffer for all the pain he has put me through. I want him to pay.

Is that a little rude of me? Am I being to harsh on him? I mean he did have cancer… does… whatthefuckever. He is still suffering no matter what he says. See I’m not stupid, I did my research. I know what he had to go through : The operation, the ‘treatment’, the chemo… I know it all. I even know basically what he went through mentally, emotionally. 

See, he thinks I have no clue. I know better than anyone around. He thinks that because he was knocking on death’s door that no one can understand what he is going through. Let me see… HELLO! I WAS THERE!

What no one really knows, and what I never told anyone, is that when I woke up in the hospital that day years ago, the doc told me I had actually died on the table. Not once… but twice. Luckily, both times they had brought me back, but the point is… I had died. No heart-beat, my brain activity was next to nothing. 

Then there a couple of weeks ago, during my little fuck up… they said one more drink, I would have been dead. 

So see, I’m not new to the whole death’s door thing. I know all too well. And I live with it. I live with the knowledge that I survived, that I am still fucking here. I dream about it, I actually can remember what people said while I was in a coma. I remember feeling Brian near me when no one else was around. I remember hearing my mom cry at the unfairness of it all, and my father bitching about how I flaunted myself, how I was a bad son. Oh yeah, I remember it. Maybe not all of it, but I do have some glimpses of it all, some idea.

So if I can survive actually flat lining, why can’t Brian handle this. He is the one without a clue. He didn’t die! I almost did. 

So I guess the question is, can I forgive Brian? Let’s review…

What I gave up when he left : 
School/scholarship
Italy
Rage the Movie (cause I sure as hell haven’t put a lot of effort into that damn thing like I should. I haven’t worked with Mikey on it in a LONG time, and I can’t go out to LA like Bret needs me to)
Friends/family
My heart
My soul
Hell almost everything, I must say. I can’t think of one thing really that is ME anymore. I don’t draw, I don’t watch TV, I haven’t done anything JUSTIN in a long time.

I gave him my heart, my life and he fucked me over. What can he do to fix it? Nothing that I can think of, really. 

I want my life back, I want to be able to do the things I used to do. What can I do to make him understand how much he hurt me?

I feel bad in a way. Poor Kevin. He’s trying hard to get me to open back up, and I do appreciate it. I appreciate all that he has done for me. I can’t say that it’s love, but having him here with me every night helps. It helps ease the pain. Maybe one day I can allow myself to open up to him. Maybe one day I can open up and let someone in.

But in the meantime, I will do what I have to do.


Current Mood: conflicted
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&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


“Take that Brian. I hope you now know what I have been going through.” Justin quietly stated as he hit the ‘post’ on his LJ. He hadn’t originally started off writing it with the intention of hurting Brian, but since he had discovered that Brian had been reading his journal, he knew that he would have his way of a little payback. Let Brian think that he had started to move on… that he had someone else living with him, sleeping with him, and fucking him. Let Brian have a taste of his own medicine. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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