AN: Okay this chapter has lyrics from two different songs – Lindsay’s POV is Garth Brooks’ More Than A Memory and Brian’s POV is I feel Bad by Rascal Flatts. Oh and sometimes I am changing the genders in the lyrics so it fits our story.
And thanks to KJ for not suggesting I add sex to this chapter - ;-) :-P
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Lindsay’s POV
People say he's only in my head
It's gonna take time, but I'll forget
They say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize
Is when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Drivin' 'cross town just to see if he's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
Just to hear her say it's gonna be alright
When you're finding things to do not fall asleep
'Cause you know he'll be there in your dreams
That's when he's
More than a memory
Divorce papers! I can’t believe he sent me divorce papers! I’ve been trying to give him his space; the time he needed to get this little experiment over with but this is going too far! So now after a little more than a month has gone by I find myself at his door once more. I’ve been here a few times before but never once found the courage to knock. Today I don’t need courage, I’m too angry to even care if he wants me here or not.
I can hear noise inside but it takes several minutes of my pounding on the door before he finally opens it.
“What do yo…. Lindsay?”
I push my way past him, barely noticing how disheveled he looks.
Brian’s POV
She pushes her way past me so I shut the door then turn around to face her. Before either of us says anything I notice she has the divorce papers in her hand and I sigh, I guess I knew the day would come eventually, but part of me was hoping that she would just sign them and let me go.
“Lindsay what are you doing here? Actually how did you know where here was?”
“It wasn’t hard to figure out; a friend of mine is a realtor in the same office as yours. She saw your name as a buyer for this listing and asked me if we were moving.”
I just sigh a little in frustration at that, so much for confidentiality.
“That still doesn’t answer the question what are you doing here?” That’s when I see the look in her eyes that I know means her temper is flaring and she is about to blow.
“You are still my husband! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!? I want you to tear up these papers, sell this silly loft, and come back home!”
I’m distracted from responding by the sight of Justin. He’s gotten up off the floor where I had left him half dressed and he was hidden from view by the couch. He is creeping slowly behind Lindsay towards the bedroom; I hold my breath hoping it makes it there without her noticing. Of course that doesn’t work out, because only three steps into his journey the floorboards creak and she whips her head around so fast I briefly wonder if it hurt.
When her head turns back around to look at me the hatred in her eyes is scary.
“Lindsay, this is Justin. Justin this is my soon-to-be ex-wife, Lindsay.” I couldn’t help but add the soon to be ex part, I had to make it clear to her right away that her order for me to go back to her was not going to happen.
“I don’t really care who you are, but you need to leave now. I need to talk to my husband.” Justin looks at her a bit in shock and then looks at me unsure of what to do.
“Justin is staying. He was invited, and we have plans. Justin, please stay.” I say the last part looking at him and I regret to say with a bit of a pleading tone in my voice.
He nods at me, “I’ll be up in the bedroom, excuse me.” He brings a smile to my face by making a show of picking up all of our clothes before he retreats to the bedroom.
My eyes follow his ass until he’s gone from my sight and then I refocus on Lindsay. I notice she is a lot calmer than when she first walked in, and the hatred is gone from her eyes that was there just a minute ago. I watch as she moves to the other side of the couch and sits down like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I really don’t know what to do, but watching her for a minute I remember that she is still my best friend, and a month ago I wanted her to be in my life still. So I steel myself for this impossible discussion and sit down next to her.
After a few minutes of silence I have to get the conversation moving so I try to gently but firmly lay the facts out for her.
“Lindsay, like I told you when I left, I’m gay. I deeply regret lying to you for all that time about it, but that’s what our life was; a lie. I can’t live that way anymore. I love you, but as a friend, and if you’ll have me in that way, then that’s great. If not, I understand but a friend is all I can be to you again.”
After a few more minutes of silence I start to grow a bit impatient and tell her that if she isn’t going to say anything that she should probably just go. That was a mistake. In a second she is off the couch and pacing furiously, when she starts to talk she is waving her hands wildly.
“A friend? A fucking friend is all you can be? You made a choice to be my husband; I didn’t trick you or trap you! Now, after all this time, you are telling me that the person I knew, the man I loved was a fake and that what we had meant nothing?!?”
“Not nothing Linds, you mean a lot to me!”
She scoffs at me and continues ranting. “A lot?!? You mean everything to me Brian. This isn’t the first time I’ve been here you know. I’ve almost knocked on your door a dozen times. I’ve started to call a hundred times. I thought this was some weird early mid-life crisis and that I had to just let you experiment your way through it. Now you’re telling me that you were always this way and our life was a lie. How am I supposed to feel about that? What am I supposed to do now? We’re running out of money in our joint account. How am I supposed to pay the mortgage?”
Took a match to everything he ever wrote
Watched his words go up in smoke
Tore all his pictures off the wall
That ain't helping me at all
'Cause when you're talkin out loud and nobody's there
You look like Hell and you just don't care
Your Drinkin more than you ever drank
And sinking down lower than you ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees
Prayin' to God, beggin' him "please!"
That's when he's
More than a memory
“The mortgage? Get a fucking job Lindsay!” I can’t believe she wants to know how she is going to support herself. I guess that’s just it, she never planned to support herself.
“Don’t yell at me Brian!”
“Don’t yell at you?!? You pushed you’re way in here, you ordered Justin around, now you are ranting and raving, and yes, yelling all around my place!”
“Don’t mention that boy to me again!”
“He’s not a boy Lindsay. His name is Justin. And you are just going to have to accept that I’ve moved on.”
“Moved on? Believe me, I tried moving on! I destroyed most of your stuff, I burned most of our pictures, and I drank your hidden bottles of scotch! Move on! I tried, but you are all I think about. All I have ever wanted. Everyone said I should just forget you, but how can I? If you know how to do it, than please tell me.” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard her so sarcastic, and I’m a little concerned about the drinking since she never drank much, but I won’t be attacked in my own home.
I should be out in that driveway stoppin’ you
Tears should be rollin’ down my cheek
And I don’t know why
I’m not fallin’ apart like I usually do
And how the thought of losin’ you’s not killin’ me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong, cold as stone
Seems so wrong, I can’t explain it
Maybe it’s just I’ve cried so much
I’m tried and I’m numb, baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don’t feel bad
I could let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwin’ love away
Yeah, I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I can’t lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I know that I don’t want to lose Lindsay but she is obviously not ready to deal with this, and since that’s the case I can’t really deal with her. I’ve actually never seen Lindsay so all over the place emotionally. One minute she looks hurt, the next furious, and for a brief moment I thought for sure I saw a flicker of relief when I told her I wouldn’t go back.
We stand silent for a few moments glaring at each other. Finally she smoothes her hands over her hair and clothes, almost like she is putting herself back together. She walks past me to the door, turns and by the look on her face I can tell I’m not going to like her parting words.
“By the way, that farewell fuck you gave me, and don’t deny that’s what it was; well I’m pregnant.”
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AN – p.s. – Dang Tasha girl you are psychic!
p.p.s - sorry this chapter was so much shorter than the last couple - I'll try and do better next time.