Justin awoke slowly.  He was warm and comfortable and unwilling to give it all up too quickly.  He felt soft lips kiss his shoulder and an equally warm body spoon in behind him.  Justin smiled and opened his eyes about to say good morning to Brian when his eyes focused on Ethan.  Ethan smiled down at Justin before softly kissing his lips.  Justin was bewildered for a moment.  He looked toward the window.  It was morning.  He looked at the clock by the bed.  He had spent the night.  Fuck.  He thought just before reality dawned on him.  

He closed his eyes against the onslaught of memories.  The infamous Rage party had happened over a month ago.  Justin no longer lived at the loft.  He no longer had Brian.  He ran his hand through his hair and threw the covers aside.

“I’ll be in the shower.”  He mumbled before getting up and rushing into the bathroom.

Ethan said nothing, but Justin could feel the other man’s eyes follow him.  Justin was pretty sure that Ethan knew what was going on with him.  Ethan was a lot of things, but dumb wasn’t one of them.  The fact of the matter was that Justin wasn’t actually in love with Ethan, the person.  He was in love with what Ethan had represented.  Romance, of which there had been plenty since he’d come to live with the violinist. Commitment, which Ethan gave willingly.   Monogamy; only needing to be with one another instead of tricking.  Unfortunately, though, something was missing.  Justin couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was he just knew.

Justin adjusted the water temperature before stepping in.  As the water washed over him, Justin thought about how he had come to this.  He was standing a small shower stall after waking up in a bed made of pallets and a mattress in a tiny apartment.  Despite how Ethan felt about him, all he could think about was Brian’s huge bed, huge shower, huge loft.  It had been his home and he had just walked away.  Now, he missed it.  He missed Him.  Fuck.  Justin thought as he ran the soap over his body.  I want to go home.  Fuck.  He choked back a sob as he let the water rinse off the soap.  I want to go home and I don’t even know where home is.

“I just know it’s not here.”  He said to himself before climbing out the shower and toweling himself off quickly.  “This can never be my home.”

End Chapter 3