Justin walked out of Ethan’s apartment feeling better than he had in over a month. He knew where he wanted to go, but had a feeling that Brian probably would not welcome him with open arms if he showed up at the loft, so he decided to go to the diner to see if Brian was there for breakfast. Justin prayed to himself that he would be able to convince Brian that he still loved him and had been a fool to walk away. He knew that he had hurt Brian that night of the 'Rage' party. He knew that he might be setting himself up for a big fall, but he couldn't think about that. He had to be positive. He suddenly had a feeling of deja vu. He remembered feeling this way in the first tentative days he'd spent around Brian. Afraid of being pushed away and yet unable to give up the fight. He could only hope that this time he could break down Brian's defenses once again knowing full well that his leaving had strengthened the walls around Brian's heart and the job would be much harder this time. He walked quickly down the street. Only one more chance, Taylor. Justin thought. Don't fuck it up this time. Can't screw it up this time. -- Brian awoke alone. . . again. It was suddenly a continuing trend in his life. He frowned. He had gone to Woodys and Babylon the night before intent on expelling Justin's ghost once and for all. He knew he had looked damned hot and had teased every guy he saw. They all wanted to dance with him. They all wanted to be wanted by him. They all wanted to go home with him. They all fell disastrously short. Brian had been cruised by several guys at Woodys, but had told himself that he was waiting for Babylon. At Babylon, Brian had spent most of his time propping up the bar ordering glass after glass of Jim Beam. Disgusted, Brian had finally stalked out of Babylon and gone home. He'd fell into bed still dressed and stared at the ceiling for several moments before undressing and climbing under the covers without even a cursory glance through his internet pick up chat rooms. It was useless. There was only one person Brian wanted to see, to be with, and that just wasn't an option. "Fuck." He breathed climbing out of the bed and heading into the shower. He washed himself quickly not liking the jaunt his memory was taking him on. Visions of Justin and he in the shower flashed through his mind. That first morning and many mornings after had been spent in the shower washing, kissing, fucking. He didn't know how much more of this crap he'd be able to take before he did something drastic, like move, or stupid like a repeat performance of his attempt at scarfing on his 30th birthday. Once out of the shower, he dressed quickly needing to escape the loft and it's memories of times that could not, would not be repeated. Deciding he was hungry, Brian pulled on his jacket and headed to the diner. He was pretty sure that Deb was working this morning which would mean enough food on his plate to feed an army and maybe a little bit of a fill for the emptiness he felt in his heart. -- Justin felt a sudden sense of urgency. He knew that he had to get to the diner. He knew, somehow, that Brian was either there or on his way there and he had to get there. For some reason, be it cosmic or just a coincidence, he knew that today was his one and only chance to get Brian back. He was still over 6 blocks from the diner and despite the added weight of his duffle bag of clothes, he began to run. He had to get to Brian. He had to. -- Brian thought about driving to the diner, but decided to just walk instead. He thought that perhaps a walk in the clean morning air would help clear his mind and maybe keep him from thinking about Justin. Unfortunately the walk only served to make him think more. And unbidden memories of walks he had taken with Justin rushed into his head. The times Justin had insinuated himself into trips to Babylon and Woodys. Times the two of them had walked down these very streets with Gus. The baby in his stroller happily cooing about all the sights around him, Justin smiling up at Brian who was always self conscious about pushing the stroller and would slough it off to Justin. Justin window-shopping as he walked beside Brian. More often than not managing to pull Brian into more than one store to look at something that had caught the teen's eye. Brian shook his head trying desperately to shake off the memory of Justin smiling or laughing [or cumming]. I'm going to drive myself nuts. Brian thought as he walked past the bookstore where Justin had confronted Howard Bellweather. He looked in half expecting to see a tow headed young man going toe to toe with a hypocritical old fart who couldn't believe that the two of them could actually love each other. Bellweather was a fool. He had a convoluted idea of what Brian was all about and definitely had no idea what kind of person Justin was. Justin was no little twink. Brian found he was smiling at the memory of the look of determination on Justin's face that had changed to anger at Bellweather's comparison of Brian to Chris Hobbs. Brian suddenly stopped. Love? Did I just say that Justin and I love each other. He searched his memory and remembered thinking that Bellweather couldn't believe that he and Justin could actually love each other. Love? Did he really love Justin? He honest to God wasn't sure. The concept of love was completely foreign to Brian. He had never felt loved as a child or as an adult for that matter. Sure, people had told him that they loved him - Mikey, Lindsay, Deb - but he hadn't really felt it and had no idea how to return it. But, now, on the street just a block or two from the Liberty Diner, he was coming to the realization that for the first time in 31 years someone loved him. Really loved him. Someone who had seen him at his worst and not run away. Someone who wanted nothing more than to be loved in return. No strings. No expectations. No pressures. "Did I really give that up?" Brian said aloud startling himself. Suddenly, Brian knew that he needed to find Justin. He had to tell him what he had discovered. He needed to . . . had to find Justin. He looked around quickly, but no one had been around to see his sudden stop or the goofy grin that had spread across his face. He found his feet and hurried to the diner. It was as good a place to start as any. End Chapter 7