AN: I am participating in the NaNoWriMo. Tomorrow I will be starting to post the first chapter of what will be a completed story or at least 50,000 words written by the end of November. It is titled No More Mi Amore and is a AU that will involve many cannon characters and a few new ones.  So, meet me at my livejournal each day. It will only be posted there. The addy is under my bio here.

Then I Knew Many thanks to my beta France

The world stopped and then I knew. I knew all the answers to the questions I never allowed myself to ask.  I never thought that I deserved to have them as anything more than passing thoughts.  I’ve been lying to myself all these years.  I can’t lie anymore, not when I have the answers.

You know you are a good Advertising Executive when you yourself can become a product anyone will wait in line to buy.  You know you are an even better one when your own mind starts to believe your fantasy and the things you’ve always hated about yourself are buried so deep inside of you.  Your world and the people within it have adjusted to the unyielding image.  You are now in demand.  If you think for a moment you’ll be allowed to change, to grow.  You are sorely mistaken.

That’s me.  The one stuck in a pre-made highly manufactured box.  Or, it was me.  Before he came along… before I became what I am today.  

I didn’t have to be the one to spend time in unwrapping myself.  He showed more patience in the unwrapping of me than I could have ever expected from anyone else. He was the only one who persevered and actually pulled out my operating manual.  It freighted me and thrilled me when he started to read the indecipherable words.  He learned how I worked, what my qualities and flaws were.  He handled me like I was fragile, but also, priceless.  Enough so that it actually ended up making me stronger.

I got accustomed to him like a touch that was like no other.  I started to crave it all.  I was no longer an item.  I was still Peter Pan, but he’d been the one that made me into a real boy.

When I first walked in and saw him there, I felt so relieved when I saw the amused expression on his face.  He didn’t make a big deal of my presence, but I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to.  They played that song and we danced.

We danced in an ecstasy of joy all the way back to the jeep, singing the lyrics like a bunch of drunken Irishmen who’d down too much whiskey.  But I hadn’t had a drink, and I know he hadn’t either.  To put it bluntly, we were drunk on love.  There was no other way to describe it.  I know… who would ever believe that I would feel this way?  Who would have dared to think that I would actually use that line to describe the feelings that I felt that night? Certainly not me.  I would not have allowed those thoughts to even formulate themselves into my mind, and ever more so… into my heart. I have another one of those cheesy little thoughts too.  But I won’t share them.  It’s still private to me.

There isn’t much more that I can bring myself to say about the dance that doesn’t make me want to scream so loud the hospital staff would think that I was the one that had been nearly murdered. That is if he hasn’t been.  I don’t know yet.  I’m still waiting. I try to force my mind to relive only those beautiful days where he was alive and well. I wouldn’t dare picture anything else. But it is possible that any horrible images of what has happened can actually reflect in reality. It’s possible that my screaming his name did more damage than it did good.  My throat pushed out the warning too late.  My mind had been momentarily disconnected from my body at the sight of this unsuspecting person’s approach. I just knew what was coming but I my disbelief that it would happen to him caused me to freeze in time. The swing of the bat and the crunch of his skull connecting with it came not a second later.  He fell to the ground… lifeless… the bat dropped beside him as his attacker tried to walk away like nothing had happened.  How I wish nothing had, but it did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been the one to lift his limp body into my arms.  I shouted to a God I didn’t even believe in.  I cried as I clutched him to me, breathed in the scent of his blood, and leaned down to kiss his lips.  I would never have known what it felt like to place my mouth on top of his and feel absolutely no breath.  No life.

The events carried on from the parking garage to the hospital are a complete blur to me.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sort it out. But I’m here now.  I’m real.  He made me real.  He made me grow up.  I'm not a lost boy any longer.  I feel it all and it’s because of him.

I’m sitting in a cold plastic chair wondering if the blood I’m wearing contains the drops that passed through our lips during what may have been our last kiss. I’m remembering that smile, the first time I saw it.  I’d never seen it as bright as it was tonight and it was only for me.  Am I selfish to think that it was?  He’d never smiled like that before he met me. I was the beginning.  But was I now, also, the end? Would the blood on the scarf around my neck be what would tie me to him for the rest of my life?  Would my tears be enough to express my guilt in all of this?

It was that memorable kiss that we shared in front of all his classmates that provoked the attacker. I’m sure of it.  He was disgusted by it because of his own jealousy and insecurity.  His inner violence was unleashed because of an act of love.  

I am disgusted with myself for getting carried away.  I should have known better than to think anything with us would be simple.

Would he want me to save these tears?  Would he want me to wipe them away? I’m so numb with my want for his life that I can’t bring myself to even try to stop crying or clean my face. My mouth tastes coppery from when I kissed him last.  The blood poured from his mouth into mine unexpectedly and I tore myself away shocked.  I thought for a moment that maybe I was the Prince trying to awaken my blond beauty.  

My skin is sticky from blood and sweat.  I feel so detached from it all that I’m not sure I’m even alive right now so I could care less what the packaging looks like.

I am real. Deep down, it’s what I’ve always wanted to be.  But without him, I have no light to illuminate this darkness.  I want him here to comfort me.  I want to switch places with him. I want to have a chance to read his manual.  I want him in my life.  I don’t want to roll the end credits now. I want him to live.  I want to un-wrap him carefully and take my time with every piece that is revealed to me.  I want to let myself smile only for him, once again.  I want to make him feel like the Prince.  I want it all.  I don’t care if it hurts.  I’ll get through the pain.  

When he turned and looked at me, right before he walked away.  It was then that I knew why he was called Sunshine.  I knew then that I knew I loved him.  I knew then, that I would always want to see him smile. And he will.  I’ll make sure of that.     
tbc