“What’s gone and what’s past help, should be past grief”
--The Winter’s Tale.  Shakespeare

Michael walks into the diner and shakes the fresh fallen snow off from his shoulders.  It was unusually cold for October, and a bit early for snow, but somehow this sudden change in weather seemed fitting.  He looks over at his mother who is clearing the table of an empty booth at the far end.  The place is quiet, the early breakfast crowd thinning as the work day begins.  Normally, Michael would be at the shop by now.  But not today.  Today he’ll be late opening the Red Cape.  If things didn’t’ go well, the store may be closed for the entire day.

“Hey honey, shouldn’t you be at your store?”  His mother looks over at him smiling, her arms piled high with dirty dishes.  He smiles back at her, trying to appear calm, normal, but knowing she’s not going to buy it.  

He loves his mother more than anything.  And he knows she loves him unconditionally.  She had sacrificed, and would sacrifice anything for him. Yes she was loud, yes she was outrageous and yes she had him blushing with embarrassment on more than one occasion in public, but he could not imagine his world without her.  

Growing up, during those early years, it was just the two of them.  When he was feeling sad or hurt, she always managed to make him feel better.  Michael wasn’t popular in school and he got picked on a lot.  His grades suffered, and his self-esteem was almost non-existing.  The only one he could turn to for comfort was his mother. She was his friend, his confidante, his everything. Then Brian came into his life and everything changed.  

Brian moved to Pittsburgh from New York when he was just 14.  She knew from the moment Michael brought him home that he was “trouble”, to use her words.  She also knew from that day forward she would have to share him with Brian.     Debbie loved Brian like a son.   She was there for him during that time when things were very bad for him.  But the real truth of it was, she had no choice.  She knew her little boy was never going to let him go and in her attempt to keep Michael from running off with him, (oh and there was a time he really wanted to) she would have to take him in as one of her own.  What she didn’t know was what made Brian so special to him.  He knew it still confused her.

In time though, she did grow to love him, and probably resent him too a little.  But 17 years is a long time.  A lifetime.  And they all adjusted well.

It took Michael almost all that time to sort out his feelings for Brian.  His love for him is deep.  But he understood it more fully now.  For the longest time he mistook it for romantic love.  The kind of love you read about in dime store novels.  Michael chalked that up to the dreamer in him.  In truth, their love for each other is that of close brothers.  Michael is often heard saying how Brian is “like” a brother to him.  And he knows Brian feels and says the same. But no one will ever understand how deep their brotherly bond is.  A bond that came out of a shared, traumatic experience. An experience so profound for Michael, that his attachment to Brian afterwards was almost desperate.  It’s no wonder he was so confused about his feelings for Brian for so long.  An experience like that changes a person.  An experience he never told his mother about.  Or anyone else for that matter.  A promise made, 17 years ago.  A deed done.  A time long gone.   

“Hello!?  Michael honey, were are you?”  He hears his mothers’ voice.  He comes out of his thoughts and walks over to her and places a kiss on her cheek.   “Smack”. She playfully slaps him upside his head. The dirty dishes now gone from her arms.  Michael rolls his eyes at her.  “Ma, don’t start.” He chides.  Michaels’ eyes skim the diner looking for signs of Justin.  “Justin off to school already?”  He asks his mother.  

“Yeah.  That kids got more energy than an ever ready battery!” She sighs dramatically before she continues.  “Poor Sunshine.  Between working here, school and dealing with the almighty Mr. Kinney!” She says the name like it leaves a bad taste in her mouth…”I don’t know how he does it.  Well, at least now he’s with someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved.”

 Michael opened his mouth to defend Brian. It was an automatic reaction on his part, but he quickly shut it, realizing he had no time to get into this debate.  Brian would be here any minute.  Besides, she knew as well as he did there would never be an end to Justin and Brian.  Those two, by some cosmic reasoning he couldn’t understand, were destined to be together.  

He was hoping Justin wouldn’t be here at this hour.  It’s why he asked to meet Brian so late in the morning.  He didn’t know how Brian would react to the news he had, but he knew one thing for sure, Brian was too proud to show his vulnerability in front of anyone, especially Justin.

“We’re not getting into this today Ma, ok?”  Michael said.

“Fine, then tell me what the hell are you doing here?  Why aren’t you at the store? Is something wrong?”  

Here it comes.  “Listen Mom, there is something important I have to talk to Brian about.  I called him at his office, he’s coming here to meet me.”
  
She snorts her disgust. “Why am I not surprised?”  She all but sneers.  “It’s always about Brian! What’s going on Michael?  And don’t give me any bullshit!”  She leans in and stares directly into his eyes.  

He sighs, and holds her stare for a long moment before he answers.
“I can’t tell you Ma.” He says, then he holds his hand up to stop her before she starts in on him again.

 “Please, Ma, this is between Brian and me.  And I’m not asking you, I’m telling you to butt out.”  

She steps back a bit, holding his eyes with hers.  She is startled by his bluntness.  It’s not that they haven’t had screaming matches before. Like when he first started seeing Ben and she told him she didn’t want him seeing “that guy”. He made it clear that he didn’t care what she wanted; he was going to see Ben. That was a pretty emotional conversation.  But this is difference.  There is no belligerent child standing in front of her.  At this moment he is not a son needing approval or permission from his mother.  He is a man, telling her quietly, and quite sincerely, that she may not interfere or be informed of his life at this moment.  And there was no debate about it.

“If this is going to be a problem for you, we can meet somewhere else” he continues, making sure she understood the seriousness of his position.

It takes her a minute to answer, and in that time Michael sees respect in her eyes, and then acceptance.

“Ok honey.  I won’t pry.  But you do know, I’m here for you”… she hesitates, then adds…”For anything” emphasizing on the word “anything”.  He nods and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and heads over to the booth at the far end of the diner, to wait.  His mother goes about her business, every now and then stealing a worried glance in his direction.

He slides in the booth and removes his jacket.  A jacket that is way to light weight for such a cold day.  He shivers as he rubs his arms.  God its colder in here then it was outside he thinks. Or maybe the cold is coming from within him, and not the temperature in the room.  He can’t decide.  He reaches over and puts his hand inside the pocket of the jacket he just discarded and pulls out the letter.  

When the man came to his door at 6 a.m. this morning and handed it to him, he knew.  He recognized him.  Funny, Brian is like that.  Can’t remember names for shit, but faces he never forgets.  And the face at Michaels door at 6 a.m. was a face all too familiar.   He saw it twice a year for almost 10 years.  Well, not including the time Brian was in college.  Then he only saw it once a year.  In June when Brian was home from school.  June and January.  That’s when “he” would come with her letters.  The man whose face Michael would never forget.  

The man would suddenly appear out of nowhere to make his delivery.  And always in a place where no one could see the exchange of the letters. There would be one letter for Brian, and one for Michael.  Brian carried both their letters to “her” on him at all times during those two months, ready for when the man would arrive.  Michael was usually with Brian when the man showed up.  Hell, he was always with Brian.  Michael smiled sadly to himself at that memory.  God how he depended on Brian back then. Still depends on him.

Michaels’ letters to her were mostly short and sweet.  His letters read like a greeting card, “hope all is well, miss you, can’t wait to see you again” yada yada.  Why tell her more?  Brian wrote pages and pages telling her all about their lives, and the people in it. Anything he would have written would have only been redundant.  The letters she wrote to him on the other hand were always more exciting then the ones he wrote her.  She wrote about her travels, her aunt, what she was learning, all the exciting adventures she was having.  Michael loved hearing from her.  She sounded so happy, and had a colorful way of describing all the places and people she’d experienced.  It was almost as if all that had happened before she left was just a bad dream. Almost.   Then one day, the letters stopped coming.

It was the year Brian turned 24.  That was a rough year for Brian. June passed and no letter.  At first, Brian ignored it. Michael thought perhaps she just stopped writing him. After all, she was closer to Brian. One night, as they were leaving Babylon, Michael asked Brian if he had heard from her.

“Mikey, Mikey, Mikey,” He slurred giving Michael that sexy lopsided grin of his as he threw an arm around his shoulder.  “It’s been 10 years.  She has a fucking life.  You should try getting one.”  He said stumbling back a bit, as he tried to light a cigarette. 

Michael pushed at him, half angrily.  “So what are you saying?  After 10 years, she just stops writing?  Just like that?  Doesn’t sound like her.”

That got his attention.  Brian straightened up and sobered up a bit.  “She’ll write.  She’s very busy with school.”  He said, and then added,  “We’ll be fucking drowning in all that bullshit she writes come January.”  He hugged Michael and kissed him on the mouth.  End of that conversation.

But then, January came and went, and still no letter. Brian had no idea where she was.  That was the condition.  No contact, no phone numbers, no addresses; nothing that could lead anyone to where she was.  It was too dangerous.  Even in her letters she was careful not to give out too much information.  Michael didn’t know what to think.  He couldn’t’ even imagine what was going through Brian’s mind.  He refused to talk to Michael.

Brian went into what Michael later dubbed as his “pain management” mode. Every night for months he literally drank, drugged and fucked until he passed out. Michael was still amazed at how Brian kept it together at work during that time.  He managed to hide his pain from everyone.  It was easy to hide in a bottle of Beam.  Michael watched helplessly as Brian’s “pain management” started spiraling out of control.  He was reverting back to….Michael shook his head clearing his mind of those thoughts.  Some memories were too painful.

Lindsey noticed a change in Brian that year as well.  She has always been, and in Michaels’ opinion still in love with Brian.  He snorted, a little too loud he assumes because his mothers head snaps in his direction. He quickly hides the letter under the table and smiles at her. 

 “Hey ma, can you get me some coffee please?” He asks.
   
“No problem sweetie” She goes over to pour him a cup. 

That was close.  Fucking Lindsey.  He wonders what part of Brian being Gay does she STILL not get?   Talk about dreamers.  But she was, and still is in tuned to Brian’s moods and noticed when his behavior changed.  Of course Brian never discussed it with her.  And Michael would never dare speak of it to anyone.  Ever.  But it didn’t matter.  Just at the point where Michael feared Brian was going to totally lose it, something happened.  

Two months after a year had passed with no letter, Brian told Michael he was contacted.  He was told she was fine, but she wouldn’t be writing anymore.  And that was it. If Brian knew why, and Michael suspected he did know, he wasn’t going to share it with Michael.  That hurt.  Still hurts him.  After what they went through together, the pain, the secrets…  Well, no use thinking about it now.  He would have to be more careful. He couldn’t’ let his emotions get the best of him.  Not only did he NOT want his mother knowing about any of this, but he had to keep it together for Brian.   

Of all the fucking times for her to start writing again!  Hell, it’s been over 6 years! Brian was not in a good place at the moment to be dealing with this shit.  With Justin leaving him for that fucking fiddler, and Mel giving him shit about seeing his kid, add to that the huge risk he’s taking in starting his own agency, this is the last thing he needs!  Michael stops to breath, calming himself.  He has to get his emotions under control.  Being Italian and gay was a lethal combination in the “drama queen” department.

His mother brings him over the coffee and for once, doesn’t say a word.  She turns and heads back towards the kitchen.  Michael puts the letter back in his pocket and takes a sip of the coffee.  The diner door swings open and he feels a gust of cold air wash over him.  God it must be really bad out for the wind to hit him all the way in the back of the diner, he thinks shivering. He places the cup on the table and looks up to see Brian walk through the door.  Michael can tell by his expression that he’s not happy.  He walks towards Michael and stops in front of the booth he’s sitting in.  It seems someone watched the weather channel before dressing this morning, Michael notices.   Brian is wearing his black wool Armani coat.  Always prepared. Looking fucking gorgeous as ever, as if Brian fucking Kinney could look any other way no matter what bullshit is going on in his life.
He looks down at Michael sharply.  

“Mikey, this better be good.  I got a bitch of a day ahead of me.  I have four very important meetings lined up today, one starting in less then an hour,” He pauses to look at his Swiss, Jaeger-LeCoultre watch for affect. Ever the label queen.  He lets out a deep, “I can’t believe your wasting my time” sigh and continues on his rant.

“Cynthia’s got her pantyhose in a knot over a new hire in the art department. Ted’s on my back about fucking insurance forms for Kinnetic, and I have a hang over from last night that I wouldn’t mind so much if I could remember how the fuck I got it and was it worth it.” He looks at Michael giving him his most threatening glare.  Of course it’s wasted on his best friend.

“So do you want to tell me why the fuck am I standing here instead of in my office preparing a pitch that will make my clients cum in their pants just from the mere brilliance of it, well that and my natural sexual magnetism?”  He smirks at that last part.   

After that list of complaints, Michael wasn’t so sure he should share this latest development with him.  But he had no choice.  The longer he put it off, the more pissed Brian would be.

Michael decides to just give him the letter with out any preliminaries.  He grabs his jacket that is lying on the booth besides him and reaches into his pocket and pulls out the envelope.  He turns to look at Brian and reaches up to hand it to him. Michael watches as Brian stares at his hand.  For a moment, just a brief moment, Michael sees a look of shock wash over his face, and just as quickly, it was gone.   But it was there, and Michael caught it right before Brian slipped on his mask of indifference, the one he uses when he’s feeling vulnerable.  Michael stares at him, truly amazed at how he’s perfected that look.  But Michael knew what the look meant.  Brian was feeling some strong emotions over this new development.

 “Brian,” Michael struggles to keep his own emotions in check.

“Your sister wants to come home.”