"Then must you speak
Of One that lov'd not wisely but too well."

Shakespeare- Othello


Justin walked down the steps of PIFA and pulled his collar up around his neck to ward off the chill.  He shifted his school bag that swung over his shoulder to rest more comfortably on his hip.

Fuck it was cold!  He headed for the stone bench where he sat to wait for Daphne to pick him up.  Her mother had bought a new car and was letting Daphne use her old one to get back and forth to school.   Since Justin wasn’t with Brian anymore, it was getting harder to find transportation back and forth to his classes.  Daphne’s and his schedules didn’t allow for her to give him a ride every day.  On some days he had to walk.  Thank God this wasn’t one of those days!  It was a long walk from Ethan’s apartment to PIFA.  Not that he minded, but he was glad for the occasional ride he could get from his best friend.  On the mornings he worked at the diner, he had to find a ride to work, and then find a ride to school.  If Daphne wasn’t available he took the bus, then walked.  The bus stop was several blocks from the school.  Finding and scheduling rides back and forth from work to school was becoming a full time job.  It was one of the little things that he took for granted when living with Brian.  Brian always drove him wherever he had to go, and if he couldn’t drive him, he would arrange for car service.

Justin pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.  He didn’t know why he was still smoking.  Not that he smoked a lot.  He had the same pack for over a week now.  But smoking was something he’d only done with Brian.  It was a habit he took with him when he left him.  One amongst many habits. 

Justin took a deep pull from the cigarette as he let his mind wander.  Which was always a bad thing to do cause when his mind wandered; his thoughts inevitably went to Brian.  Guilt flooded him.  He should be thinking about poor Ethan playing in this cold.  And it would only get colder soon.   He hated that Ethan had to play on the streets for money. Ethan was very talented, and Justin was sure that one day that talent would be appreciated by the right people.  Justin cared about Ethan a lot.  He would even go so far as saying he loved Ethan.  Trouble was, he wasn’t “in” love with Ethan.

He knew he should feel guilty about that, but he couldn’t.  Some things were out of one’s control.  And being in love was one of them.  He was still very much in love with Brian.  In the very core of him, he knew he would always be in love with Brian.  That would never change.  But at this time in his life, he had to be away from Brian.  Brian was hurting, and hurting Justin in the process.  It brought new meaning to the phrase, “you only hurt the one you love,” for Justin.

Justin discovered how deeply Brian was hurt and damaged with in the first weeks of seeing him.   Or more accurately, stalking him.  Justin smiled to himself.  Brian never had a chance.   Justin knew from that very first night, what Brian still refused to admit, that they were destined to be together.  Justin tried so hard, for 2 years, to get Brian to open up to him.   But fate always threw obstacles in their path.  

His age was an issue for one.  A twelve-year difference wouldn’t matter to most people, but when your Brian Kinney, 12 years is a lifetime.  Brian always felt Justin was giving up his youth being with him.  Nothing Justin could do or say could convince Brian other wise.  For some odd reason, Brian obsessed about Justin enjoying his youth to the fullest.  It wasn’t like Justin was missing out on anything.  He was enjoying his life with school, and friends.  Just because he hung out with Brian’s friends a lot did not mean Justin was missing out on his youth.  They were “his” friends too.  Justin was more comfortable with them then most the assholes his own age.  Accept for Daphne of course. Most guys his age were immature and homo phobic pricks.   Besides Daphne, Emmett was his closest friend.   That didn’t change when Justin left Brian.  But Brian didn’t see that.  No, Brian was good at denying things that didn’t fit into what he believed to be true.

If that wasn’t bad enough, just when Justin thought Brian was starting to let himself “feel” for him, he got bashed.   

Justin threw his now finished cigarette to the floor in disgust and lit another one.  Great, now he was chain-smoking.  Fucking Chris Hobbs!  More than anything he hated him.  Not so much for bashing his head in, though that would definitely be reason enough to hate him, but for fucking up the little progress he was making with Brian. 

Brian had done something so out of character for him, by going to his prom, and then Chris Hobbs had to ruin it!  Hobbs took so much from him that night.  But the thing he took that hurt the most was the memory of Brian dancing with him.  He would gladly live with his gimp hand and his panic attacks for the rest of his life if only he had that memory.  Each time Daphne describes the events of that night, before the bashing, when Brian strolled into his school gym and took him into his arms, claiming him as his own, it makes Justin want to scream.  Damn it that memory belonged to him!  It was probably the only time Brian let his emotional guard down in public.  And by doing so, in Brian’s mind, he almost lost Justin.

Brian still blamed himself for Justin’s bashing when it truth, if anyone was to blame, other then Hobbs, it was Justin.   

Justin knew his own faults.  He was passionate, impulsive and at times, reckless.  Like when he went to Liberty Avenue that first time.  He was just 17, and so very, very naïve.  His only encounter with other gay men at that time was chats on the Internet.  And those guys were freaks!  God only knows what could have happened to him if Brian hadn’t found him standing under that lamppost.   

That same impulsive, reckless nature that led him to Liberty avenue that fateful night, led him to embarrassing Hobbs on the street in front of his friends.  He knew Chris wouldn’t take that lying down.  He shouldn’t have done it.  Brian warned him that his little act just made him an enemy.  And he was right. 

It was also his impulsive nature that led him to leave the Rage party with Ethan that night.  He was hurt, angry and fed up.  Not that he wouldn’t have left Brian at some point.  He knew he had to get away from him. But leaving the way he did wasn’t right.  Justin regretted his actions that night.  Brian didn’t deserve that.  Things were just so bad for them at that point, Justin wasn’t thinking.

After the bashing, Brian took Justin in and nursed him back to health.  He was so focused on “fixing” what he thought he had broken, that he lost his focus on “them”.  They started slipping away from each other.  Brian wasn’t letting Justin in, and other then sex, which was the one area where they were in total harmony, they were not connecting.

It seemed the more Justin tried to connect with him outside the bedroom, the more Brian pulled away.  But inside the bedroom Brian was totally exposed emotionally to Justin.  He spoke volumes with every touch, every breath, and every kiss.  Their souls could commune free from the bullshit of world outside.  If only they could spend the rest of their lives in bed.. Justin thought wistfully.  

In the end, Justin stopped trying.  Ethan came along and it was so easy with Ethan.   Ethan gave with such ease Justin melted into it.  For once, Justin didn’t have to work so hard to be with someone.   What a revelation it was for Justin to finally hear someone say, “I love you” to him.    Justin knew when he left Brian he was still in love with him. But being in love was not enough.   And Justin didn’t have the strength to carry them through a relationship on his love alone.

Justin crushed his second cigarette under his foot on the pavement.   Maybe Brian was right.  Where did his youth go?  He sighed heavily.  He was way too young to have this much emotional baggage.

“Beep, Beep!”  Daphne’s horn pulls him out of his thoughts.  He stands up and walks over to the car, and pulled the door open to get in.  

“Have you been smoking?”  Daphne scrunches her nose up at Justin.

Justin settles into the passenger seat and puts his seat belt on.  “Yeah, why?  It’s not like you never smoke.”  He answers

“Yeah but you only smoke around Brian.”  

Great, now she’s going to psycho analyze me.  “That’s not true!”  He snaps defensively.

“Geesh, fine!  Have it your way.”  She turns her attention to the road and pulls out into the street.

They drive in silence for a few minutes.  Daphne turns on the radio.  Carly Simon’s, I haven’t got time for the pain” is playing.   Justin reaches over and turns the station to something more recent, and less prophetic.  He settles on the college station.  Great, their playing Heaven Forbid by The Fray.  
He sighs and settles back into the seat. 

Daphne sneaks a look over at him, taking note of his dark mood.  

“Trouble in paradise?”  She asks light heartedly

“Why would you say that?”   Justin whispers unconcerned.  He turns to look out the passenger window.

“Well you’re in a mood.”  She comments.  “And if it isn’t Ethan, then it must be Brian.

Justin doesn’t acknowledge her.  He remains staring out the window.

“Ok, it’s Brian then.  What happened?”

Justin lets out an exasperated sound. “Why do you do that Daphne?”  He asks.

“Do what?”

“Assume my moods center around Brian?”  Justin asks a little agitated.  Daphne knew him too well.

“Well Justin, if you must know, it’s because your mood DOES center around Brian.  Have you talked to him since you moved in with Ethan?”

He doesn’t even bother to deny her accusation that his moods are center around Brian.  For the most part, she’s right.

“I’ve bumped into him a few times.    It’s so weird.  He’s friendly, asks how I’m doing.  If I didn’t know better I’d think he didn’t give a shit.”  Justin couldn’t’ hide the hurt in his voice.

“Hmmmm… But you do know better, right Justin?”  Daphne leans towards him and bumps her head against his shoulder while keeping her eyes on the road.

Daphne was more of a romantic then he was.  He smiled at her.

“Yeah, Brian Kinney gives a shit.  Ok? You happy now?”    They both laughed.

“He left me a 20 dollar tip the other day at the diner” He informs Daphne.  “All he ordered was a coffee to go.”

“See, he does give a shit.”  Daphne says.

“Actually, he always leaves me a 20 dollar tip when he comes in.”  Justin smiles to himself.  It did make him feel good to know that Brian was still trying to take care of him, in his own small way.

“Wow, that’s true love if you ask me.”  Daphne’s laughs.

Daphne’s cell phone starts vibrating on the dashboard.  She reaches for it.

“Don’t you know talking on a cell phone while you’re driving is against the law?”  Justin teases. 

She gives him a “give me a break” look and answers the phone.

“Daphne’s phone!”  She cheerfully speaks into the phone.

“Um, yeah Brian, he’s right here. Do you want to talk to him?”

Justin’s nearly jumps in his seat.  Brian called her looking for him?  Oh, that can’t be good, he thinks.  Daphne looks over at him and makes a face that says she’s just as surprised as he is.

“Sure Brian.  Here.”  She starts to give Justin the phone but pulls it back and says, “Oh, and hello to you too Brian.”  It’s clear from her response that Brian was being his usual blunt self.

She smiles to herself at whatever response Brian gave her then handed Justin the phone.

Justin takes the phone from Daphne.  “Bri?”  He asks as if there was a chance maybe it wasn’t him on the phone.

“Hey Sunshine.  How’s it going?”

Ok, this is weird.  Brian’s calling him Sunshine.  It doesn’t sound sarcastic, but it doesn’t sound endearing either.  

“Is something wrong?”  Justin asks cautiously.

He hears Brian sigh on the other end.  Justin starts to get nervous when he doesn’t answer right away.

“No.  I’m going out of town for a few days.”  He pauses.  “Justin, I need to talk to you before I go.” 

Now Justin is really nervous.  His stomach clenches.  Something is wrong. He can feel it.

“Okay, when do you want to do this?”  He asks.

“At the loft, and now if you could.”  

Justin looked over at Daphne who was hanging on every word of this conversation.   He was supposed to meet Ethan in the park this afternoon.  Well that was one appointment he wasn’t going to be able to keep.

“Hold on, I just need to ask Daphne if she can drop me off there.”  Before he gets a chance to ask her, he sees her vigorously nodding her head yes.  He lets out a nervous laugh.

“Daphne says no problem Bri.  I guess I’ll see you there in a few minutes.”

“Great.  Later..”

“Later..”  Justin closes the phone.  Daphne turns the car around and heads for the loft without being told where to go.  Sometimes he thought Daphne had a better grasp of their relationship then he did.

“What the fuck was that about?”  She finally blurts out.

“Hell if I know.”  Justin answers honestly.  

They ride in silence all the way to the loft.  Daphne pulls up in front and puts the care in park.

Justin looks up at the old familiar building.   Fuck.  He thinks.  This can’t be good.