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"My emotions left the day my father said that to me.  I just didn't know how to feel anymore.  So I didn't.  I didn't feel anything.  I didn't share anything.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't love anything or anyone anymore."  Brian Kinney paused, "Until Justin."
	
Brian's therapist, Dr. Karen McMillian, nodded her approval at his telling narrative.  The enigma of Brian Kinney was finally starting to unravel and make some sense.  "When did you start to feel again exactly?" she asked.
	
"When I turned thirty.  When Justin asked me to his prom.  When I actually showed up at his prom, I knew I loved him."  Brian hung his head and sighed.  "Then he got hurt, and I had to shut down again.  It hurt too much, so I just reverted back to my usual defenses."
	
"You've told me only a little about the events of that night, Brian.  Could you tell me again exactly what happened?"
	
"When I was leaving the prom, Justin got hit in the head by some homophobe jock…"
	
"No, Brian, the entire night.  What happened before Justin got hurt?"
	
"I was celebrating my thirtieth birthday by getting completely trashed.  I didn't handle thirty very well…that's an understatement!" Brian smirked.  "I was scarfing.  You know, asphyxiating myself during orgasm?"
	
"I am familiar with the practice, yes." Karen said.  "Many people have died doing that.  Do you think that you were purposely trying to hurt yourself, Brian?"
	
"Maybe."  Brian smiled wide, "But it felt great too.  Until Mikey interrupted to 'save' me."  Brian looked down at the carpet.  "I was in a bad place then, and I don't think that I would have objected to ending it that way."  Brian shrugged, "But I'm still here!  I lived to see Justin bashed in the head with a fucking baseball bat!"  Brian's face was contorted with the pain of reliving that moment.
	
"Are you glad that you ultimately lived?"
	
"Yeah, I am."  Brian looked at Karen, "I am."
	
"OK.  Continue the story."
	
"So Mikey untied me from the rafters.  I was pretty pissed at him.  He tends to overreact sometimes.  Scarfing isn't that crazy, but he thought I was trying to kill myself.  He gave me some good advice, though.  He told me that I'll always be young and beautiful, because I am Brain Kinney and that is what I do."  Brian laughed.  "He basically gave me a pep talk and told me to fucking get over myself.  For once I listened.
	
"After Mikey left, I took a shower, grabbed my tux and started to get dressed for Justin's prom.  I was listening to the radio, and that song 'Save the Last Dance for Me' came on.  I was listening to the lyrics, and I realized that that was exactly how I felt about Justin.  As long as we save the last dance for each other, we'll be all right.  I decided to get the DJ at the prom to play that song when I walked in.  Justin still doesn't know that I asked for that song specifically.  He thinks that it all just happened like that-that the perfect song just knew to play right then.
	
"When I got to the prom, I headed right for the DJ.  I avoided Justin and Daphne's eyes long enough to request the song.  I told the DJ to nod at me when the song would be played next.  About five minutes later, the DJ nodded at me, and I started across the floor to Justin and Daphne.
	
"You should have seen his eyes when he saw me!  And that smile!  He looked gorgeous.  I asked Daphne if I could steal her date for a while.  The song started just as we walked to the dance floor.  Everyone moved away from the center of the floor to give the fags some room.  Justin is a great dancer.  Well, I knew he could dance, because I've seen him dancing a thousand times to the thumpa-thumpa at Babylon.  But this was real dancing.  I guess that we were pretty good together.  Daphne said that it was the sexiest thing she has ever seen, so I guess we were pretty hot.  I was completely focused on him.  His facial expressions were priceless.  He had a huge smile on his face-laughing and smiling the entire time.  I planted a kiss on him as the song was ending, and we walked off the dance floor.  
	
"We danced and sang all the way to my Jeep.  I knew then why Debbie calls him 'Sunshine'.  His face was lit up like it was fucking Christmas and every present under the tree was for him.  He made some comment about how corny the song was.  I told him that I preferred to think of it as 'ridiculously romantic'.  He laughed, and I gave him another kiss and told him that I would see him later.  He said later, and I got into my Jeep.  I was watching him walk away in the car mirror when I saw Chris Hobbes come up behind him with the baseball bat.  I jumped out of the Jeep and yelled, 'Justin!'  Just as he turned, Chris Hobbes swung the bat.  I saw it happen.  I saw the bat hit his head.  He crumpled to the ground, and I chased after Hobbes.  I knocked him down with the bat-just hit him in the knees to stop him from getting away.  I went right back to Justin lying on the concrete floor.  The wound on his temple was bleeding so much.  The silk scarf that he had taken from me while we were dancing was still around his neck.  I used it to try to stop the blood.  It just kept coming."  Brian fell silent.
	
"Brian?  Are you all right?" Karen asked.  She had never seen tears in Brian's eyes no matter how terrible the stories got about the emotional and physical abuse he endured as Joan and Jack Kinney's son.
	
"Yeah.  I just haven't thought about this in two years.  Monday will be exactly two years."
	
Karen nodded her understanding.  Anniversaries of tragic events were frequently a big problem in her patients' lives.  "Did you call the ambulance?"
	
Brian looked up at Karen.  He had forgotten that he had stopped telling the story.  "Yeah.  I tied the scarf around his head and went to the Jeep to get my cell phone.  I ran right back to Justin and dialed 911.  It took forever for them to get there!  At least it seemed like that to me.  The paramedics pushed me away as they started to work on him.  I couldn't watch what they were doing.  I kept my eye on Hobbes until the cops showed up.  By the time they did, there was a huge crowd of teenagers looking on.  Daphne ran up to me to see what had happened.  When she saw Justin on the ground and all the blood on my clothes, she screamed.  I hugged her and told her it was OK-that he would be OK.  The cops came up to me then and asked me what had happened.  I said, 'That cocksucker on the ground crying about his knee just took a baseball bat to his head!'  I pointed in Justin's direction, but I couldn't look.  They asked if I knew either boy.  I told them that I knew Justin.  They had the nerve to ask me what the nature of my relationship was with Justin.  I said, 'We fuck.'  The cops looked at each other with that 'another faggot' kind of look.  They turned back to me and asked if I saw it happen.  I told them I did.  I noticed then that the ambulance was getting ready to take Justin away.  I told them that I had to go with them, so the cops just took my business card, and let me go in the ambulance with Justin.  Daphne followed us to the hospital in her car.
	
"When we got to the hospital, I tried to give the nurse Justin's info.  I couldn't even think clearly enough to give the info.  Luckily, Daphne showed up then and gave the hospital his info.  I told Daphne to call Justin's mom.  I knew he was close to her.  I went off by myself to find a place to sit.  I called the only person I wanted to talk to-Mikey.  He was getting on a plane to live in Oregon, but I caught him just in time.  He came to the hospital.  I was a fucking mess.  I had Justin's blood all over me, but Mikey didn't care.  He put his arm around me to comfort me.  All I could do was sit there and stare at the wall and cry."
	
Brian was crying heavily now.  Karen handed him a tissue.  Brian dried his eyes and looked up at Karen.  She asked, "Do you feel responsible for his injury?"

"I told him I loved him.  That song…the kiss…" Brian's voice faded.  "He almost died.  Of course I feel responsible."

"It's not your fault that there are homophobic people in this world, Brian.  You were merely expressing your feelings for the man you love.  The love you showed should never have caused such hatred.  Do you understand that it is not your fault?"

"That's exactly what Justin said.  I feel responsible, but I have gotten over it."

"Getting over something and hiding it so deep that it hurts you emotionally are two very different things, Brian.  Your current problems are clearly an indication that you have not 'gotten over it'.  You need to work through your feelings-all of them, not just the shame.  Does Justin remember what happened that night?"

"Yeah, Daphne and I had to jog his memory of the night, so he could function again."

"But you didn't bother to do the same for yourself, because you don't think your worthy or understanding and forgiveness?  That is very self-destructive."


"That's why I pay you-to fix me."

Karen could see that he was trying to put his defenses back up by making light of the situation.  She wasn't going to let him.  "How did you and Justin spend the first anniversary of that night?"

"He spent the day with his mother.  I spent the day trying to convince myself it was just another day.  I went to Babylon, danced and drugged my way to oblivion."

"Maybe it is time that you celebrate the day together."

"Celebrate?"

"Yes, Brian, celebrate.  Celebrate the fact that he is alive!  Celebrate the day you told Justin with a song how much you love and care for him.  Celebrate the true origin of the day-your love for him.  It could help change the day to a positive meaning for you both.  It may have been the worst day of Justin's life, but it was also probably the best.  You said so yourself that his face was lit up like fucking Christmas!  Well, celebrate!"

"I don't know if I can."

"You have no choice.  It has been prescribed by your doctor.  It's time to take your medicine, Brian."

Brian smiled.  This was why he trusted Karen so much.  She was the only one that wouldn't let him get away with coasting through therapy.  She actually wanted to help him.  She wasn't just out to collect as much money as she could by having him come in for session after session without making any progress.  Once you make progress, you don't have to pay the $100 an hour they charge.  "Thanks, Karen.  I hope this works."

****

Brian thought about it all the way home.  He'd have to tell Justin that he wanted to spend the day with him on Monday.  He called his friend, Emmett, to help him plan a romantic day with Justin.  Emmett was the new party planner in the family, and he had done a great job with Melanie and Lindsay's wedding from the pictures that Brian had seen of it.

He and Emmett had most of the details planned when he entered the loft.  Justin was there on Brian's computer.  "Find any good porn sites, Sunshine?" Brian asked Justin.

"None that you haven't already found yourself," Justin answered with a smirk.

Brian leaned down to give Justin a kiss.  "Yeah, I was pretty sure I had found them all.  I'm pretty thorough."  Brian ran his hands back through Justin's long blond hair.  Brian loved that Justin had let his hair grow out.  It gave him something to hold on to.  Brian pulled Justin into another searing kiss.  

When Brian pulled away, Justin asked what had taken him out of the loft so early on a Saturday morning.  "You never get up before 10am on Saturdays!"

"I had an appointment."

"Was it a job interview?" Justin asked excitedly.

Brian had gotten a considerable severance package from Vanguard even though he had been fired.  After he sold off most of his possessions, he was happy to see that he wasn't in as much financial trouble as he had thought he would be after running those TV spots.  Justin was still worried that Brian might be going through more possession withdrawals, but as long as Justin was there, the loss wasn't too bad.  "No, just a doctor's appointment," Brian answered vaguely.  He had never told Justin that he was going to a shrink.  

"You're OK, aren't you?  You never go to the doctor unless you're sick!"  Justin's forehead furrowed with worry.

"I'm fine, Justin.  I swear.  You can even take my temperature!"

"OK.  OK!  I was just worried about you!"

"I know, Sunshine."  Brian couldn't help smiling at the concern on Justin's face.  It made him happy that someone besides Mikey cared to worry so much about him.  It was more than he ever got from his worthless parents.  "I'm fine.  Don't worry.  If you want to, you can come to bed, and I'll let you make a thorough physical examination, Dr. Taylor," Brian said suggestively.  "I'll even turn my head and cough."  Brian walked toward the bedroom, stripping off all of his clothing as he walked.  He turned to Justin fully naked.  "Are you coming, Dr. Taylor?"

Justin smiled and started toward the bedroom too, taking off his t-shirt on the way.  Justin barely had the shirt over his head before Brian's lips locked on his.  Their tongues slid searching for each other.  Brian could never get enough of Justin.  He never felt such heat with anyone else.  He'd had some hot fucks in his life, but nothing as intimate and trusting as it was with Justin.  Brian's brain was swimming with lust and love for this beautiful blond.  He reached down to Justin's jeans and started to undress him.  Justin slid his hands down Brian's already naked back and ass.  Brian was already hard and ready to go.  Justin pulled away and lay down on the bed.  Brian didn't usually like a lot of foreplay when he was this turned on.  Justin could tell by Brian's cock that this was an urgent matter.

Brian surprised him though.  He lay down next to Justin on the blue duvet and started to kiss Justin slowly, sweetly.  He brushed his tongue slowly against Justin's full lower lip.  He kissed Justin's neck, licked his collarbone and proceeded to nip at his nipples.  Justin moaned softly.  Brian's head came up as he whispered into Justin's ear.  "You like that, huh?"

"Mmmm," was Justin's reply.  Brian continued down Justin's stomach.  He grasped Justin's cock firmly and started to lick the tip.  Justin moaned more, and Brian smiled up at him.  Justin smiled back at him.  Brian closed his eyes and breathed in Justin's scent.  Brian may not go down often, but he knew what he was doing.  After all the botched blowjobs he had to suffer through in the backroom of Babylon, he had learned every trick and everything not to do when giving head.  Justin came quickly with the expert tongue of Brian Kinney flicking and licking his cock.

Brian lay next to Justin for a few seconds to admire the look of satisfaction on Justin's beautiful face.  "What?" Justin asked suspiciously.  He wasn't used to Brian thinking of him first, and that doctor's appointment was still bothering Justin.  

"Nothing," Brian answered.  "Roll over."  He grabbed a condom and some lube from the bedside table as Justin rolled onto his hands and knees.  Brian unrolled the condom onto his very erect cock.  He squirted some lube on Justin and slid himself in.  He liked this position, because he could run his hands through Justin's mane of golden hair while raining kisses down his back and neck.  He entered Justin slowly at first with long strokes that gradually became faster.  He wanted to look at Justin's face while he came, so halfway to orgasm he told Justin to roll over again.  He kissed Justin as he put his legs onto Brian's shoulders, so he could reenter him.  As he slid in, he pulled away from the kiss to look at Justin.  Justin's eyes were closed in bliss.  

"Open your eyes, Sunshine."  Justin's blue eyes popped open at his lover's request.  He stared into those hazel eyes he loved so much and smiled up at Brian.  Brian said, "That's better," and continued to fuck Justin.  He came looking directly into Justin's eyes, their foreheads together.  Brian kissed Justin one more time before pulling out.  

When Brian turned around from disposing of the condom, Justin had a mixed expression on his face-accusatory and satiated at the same time.  "OK, Kinney.  What's going on?  Spill it!"

"I just spilled everything I had into that condom."

"That's not what I mean, Brian."  

Brian could tell that Justin wasn't going to give up without a better answer.  "Do you have any plans on Monday?"

Justin flinched.  "I thought I might call my mom or go out with Daphne.  Why?"

"I was thinking that we could spend the day together--just the two of us."

Justin eyed Brian suspiciously.  "Do you know what Monday is?"

"Yeah," Brian answered looking down at his hands.  He looked back at Justin.  "It's been two years since your prom."

"I'm surprised you remember."  Justin regretted that comment as soon as Brian looked at him.  

"I tried to forget."  Brian and Justin were quiet in their own thoughts for a few seconds.  "Do you remember everything?" Brian asked.  "Everything about that night?"

"Yeah, I remember the bashing.  You and Daphne helped me, remember?"

"Yeah," Brian said.  "But I mean everything from that night.  Do you remember me coming in?  Do you remember us dancing?  Or do you just remember what others have told you about that night?"

"Both.  Some of the things I remember, but some are just what others have told me.  I remember you coming in, but I don't remember anything but flashes of our dance.  I remember what happened when we got to your Jeep.  I remember you saying that the song was 'ridiculously romantic'."  Justin smiled.  "Then I remember the look on Chris Hobbes' face as he swung."  

Brian cringed at that statement.  Then he kissed Justin and held him close to himself.  "I remember that moment too.  Just from a different angle."  He pulled away from Justin and said, "I was talking to a friend of mine today, and she said that we should celebrate the day together."  

"What?!" Justin exclaimed.

"Celebrate that you survived.  Celebrate the fun we had dancing.  She said we should focus on the positive things about that night.  I want you to remember everything that we did that night-the dance, the kiss, the parking garage-without focusing on the bad.  She said that it could change the meaning of the day for us."

"Who is this friend?  We don't know anybody this smart.  She sounds like a shrink!"

"She is," Brian said quietly as he looked away from Justin.  

Justin reached for Brian's chin and made him look him in the eye.  "You've been seeing a psychiatrist?" he asked incredulously.  "For how long?"

"For about a year.  After you left me for Ian…"

"Ethan," Justin corrected.

"Yeah, him…" Brian smirked.  "Well, I found myself thinking about you a lot.  I couldn't stop thinking of you.  I even hired hustlers that looked like you."  Brian looked at Justin for a reaction.  Justin was listening with a raised eyebrow.  "Yeah, I was pathetic.  I had to get over you, because you had moved on.  I didn't think that I'd have another chance with you."  He kissed a very surprised Justin.

"But you did."

"Yeah, and I promised myself I wouldn't fuck it up this time.  I kept seeing Karen regularly.  She helped me through a lot of shit with my childhood-you know, the usual clichéd mother/father bullshit.  Except my ma and pa were anything but the usual as you've heard.  Well, today she brought up the prom and made me tell her everything about the night.  That's when she suggested that we celebrate it."  Brian looked up at Justin and saw tears in his eyes.

"I would love to spend the day with you, Brian."