Thanks as always to our beta's for their hard work and Eka for our beautiful banners I’m watching Justin’s arm bleeding and I don’t know what to do about all this shit either. Everything that I wished, not minutes before, has blown up in my face and now I can’t have anything that I want. I grab the first aid kit and start cleaning up Justin’s arm. We keep eye contact almost the whole time and I feel the need to rage and cry consume me once again. I think back to my conversation with Lindsay and know what my answer has to be. “Hey Lindz. How’s my Sonny Boy doing?” “Where the hell have you been, Brian?” “I’ve been staying at Justin’s house since I got into a car accident.” “You got into a car accident? Are you alright? What happened? Where you drinking? You know how many times I have told you not to drink and drive. Brian, you just have to be more responsible now that we have Gus.” “Fuck Lindsay, I didn’t say I was drinking; a nut case slammed into Justin and pushed his car into me.” “Who the hell is Justin?” “You met him a couple of weeks ago at the loft.” “That trick?” “He’s not a trick.” “Brian, I said I didn’t want your tricks around Gus and you now have one who puts your life in danger.” “It wasn’t his fault, his ex is a nut job.” “Brian, if you are going to be around this Justin person, then I can’t allow you to be around Gus.” “What the fuck are you talking about Lindsay, he’s my son.” “I am not joking Brian, you have to choose. It’s your son or this Justin. I want an answer.” “Lindsay…” “I want an answer, Brian.” "Fuck that, Lindsay. You can't ask me to choose between Gus and Justin. Fuck you. Justin is not just a fuck, Lindsay. He means more to me than that. I thought YOU of all people would understand." “Brian, I’m not telling you again.” "I'll give you my answer soon, Lindsay." After Justin is all fixed up, we stand in the bathroom just looking at each other and knowing that our tears are cried out for the moment, we face the truth. “If I can get her to change her mind you know I will. I’ll do everything in my power to get you to be able to be a part of our lives.” “I know Brian, but Gus and our baby have to be more important then what we want.” “I’m going to go pack. I…goodbye Justin.” “Goodbye Bri.” I walk away from Justin, my heart heavy but knowing I have no other choice. I have just crossed the doorway out of the bathroom when I hear his voice and I force myself not to turn around. “I’m sorry I said no.” His words hit me as hard as when he did say no because it had killed me to think that he didn’t want to be with me but I thought then, and it has been reinforced now, that he was just scared. Scared that I didn’t mean it or that he would be forcing me to be someone I didn’t want to be but he was wrong, he was my chance to be exactly who I want to be. I’m not saying that I would never fuck up and that I’d even know what to do but I do know that I wanted to try and now that’s over, and I will never know what it’s like to be truly happy. I walk away from him, my future, the father of my unborn child and I go pack silently, not acknowledging anyone in the house until, when I’m almost done packing, a small voice hits my ears. “Brian, why are you leaving?” I couldn’t ignore her if I tried so I kneel down in front her, bring us eye to eye as much as I can. “I have to go home, honey. I don’t live here.” “But can’t you be my daddy’s boyfriend and live here with him?” “I’m sorry, maybe in a perfect world but I have to go home, I’m sorry.” I know that I’m not really giving her any explanations but truthfully I don’t have any to give her, shit, I don’t know if I understand what’s going on myself. I would love to do just what she said and then it dawned on me that if I can’t fix this, Jamie will never meet her little brother or sister. As my tears burn the back of my eyes at this thought, Daphne comes in and takes a crying Jamie out of the room. I glare at her, not forgetting what she is trying to do to Justin and she walks away without saying anything. I walk to the door carrying my things on my left shoulder because the right one still kills me. I hold my breath as I’m about to open the door and when my hand touches the handle, it is covered by Justin’s. I turn to look at him and both of our eyes are wet but we are not actually crying, yet. I let the bags slide to the floor and we put our arms around each other. It is just a hug but it conveys so many things that I need to feel right now and so does Justin. Our arms around each other tells of our love and our sadness, along with a million other things that we may never get another chance to say and when we break apart, I feel I huge hunk of my heart stay with him. But in its place, a piece of his heart that he has just released to me, fits quite nicely. I walk out the door and down to the cab without any real thoughts. I hear myself tell the cabby to take me to the airport but it’s like it’s from a distance because my entire being is still safe within Justin’s arms. As we get further and further away from Justin, my mind seems to reenter my body and the crushing blow of heartache but I know I can’t give into it. I have to find a way to deal with Lindsay so I can get back to Justin and we can raise our child together. I will do everything I can to have my child have both its fathers. I put my hand on my stomach and rub soothing circles into it. “I promise baby, Dadda will fix this. Dadda will get Daddy back.”