Thanks to muffin_donat2007 for the beautiful banner. Brian's POV I've been spending a lot more time with my Sonny Boy, ever since Justin left me for the fiddler. Though it will never fill in the hurt that Justin's leaving caused, it does let me not think about things for a while. I spend time playing with my Sonny Boy, and telling him how much I love him. I've always been afraid of being a shitty father like Jack, and half of the time Melanie and Lindsay make me feel like I'm one anyway. They make me feel that I'm as bad as Jack was. But there are only two real differences between myself and Jack Kinney. The first one being that I'm a fag, which my father hated. The other one being, that I would never lay a hand on Gus or any other children I might have. I know first hand how painful it is, and I don't want to be the cause of a pain like that. I've been working overtime a lot, trying to keep myself busy. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts, because they are all horrible thoughts. I keep remembering everything, and I don't want to. I remember the first time that Justin and I slept together. I remember him chasing me, and me pretending that I wanted nothing to do with him, for the longest time. I remember the King of Babylon contest, the prom, and the bashing. I remember the sound of the bat connecting with Justin's head, and I flinch. I remember Justin's body hitting the ground, and me hitting Hobbs so that he couldn't get away, or try again. I remember the coma, being there every night to watch over Justin and make sure that he was okay. I remember being called an asshole because no one understood, and they still don't understand. I remember Justin surviving, and coming after me again, and the problems he has with his hand. But most of all, I remember the one thing that he can't, and never will. I remember how beautiful we were, when we danced. I remember that I was going to tell Justin that night, that I loved him. But I never got to. Instead, what I got was Justin's blood on me and my clothes, and his still body in my arms. I can never forget about that night. It still haunts me to this day. All I ever wanted, was for my Sunshine to be happy. Now he is, with his little fiddler. I never thought it would hurt this much, and Mikey, the man who is supposed to be my best friend, only makes it worse. He said that I should have let Justin die in the parking garage. I know that Mikey is a spiteful little shit, but I would never have guessed he would say that. When everyone looked at us, and made me seem like the bad guy, I was ready to tell all of them to fuck off. So I left, and I took Sonny Boy with me back to the loft. We are lying down now, and I still can't help but marvel over my beautiful little boy. I never thought I would love someone as much as I love Gus. He is the world to me, and even though everyone thinks I'm a shitty father, at least there is one thing I know with absolute certainty that I can promise him. I will never hurt my son the way Jack hurt me. I smile down at my son, and I watch as he yawns, and looks around the loft. I set Gus gently down in his bed, and then cover him up. I don't know much about babies, but I do know that I would and will do anything and everything for Gus, no matter what it is. Gus is my joy. He is the one and only thing in my life that I've done right, and I don't regret having him, for a single minute. After making sure that Sonny Boy is taken care of and okay, I grab my laptop, and take a seat on my bed to start working on a new account. I got my laptop so that I can sit in bed, and be closer to my Sonny Boy if he ever needs me, when I'm working. I still have my computer desk, and other computer, but I don't use it as much. I've been spending so much time with Gus lately, and I find myself loving him more and more every single day. He's so small and helpless, and all I want to do is protect him for the rest of his life, the same way that I feel about Justin. But I can't because I realize, that like Justin, one day Gus won't need me to look out for him anymore, and then I don't know what I'll do with myself. So for now, I'll savor every touch, every kiss, and every laugh, and I'll store it in my mind for when I can no longer see him. It's just the same that I do for Justin. The only thing is, I don't think I could stand to die another death, and have Gus leave me. Yes, I know that I'm getting carried away. But it's like I've always heard, kids grow up so fast. I don't know what I'll do when I have no one to need me anymore. I can't stand to think of it, but I know that I have to. My Sonny Boy won't be a baby for long. I pick up my Sonny Boy once more, kiss his head and murmur softly, "I love you, Sonny Boy. You and Justin are the two things that keep me going, when I just want to give up." Gus starts to cry, and I realize that he's hungry. So I quickly feed him, and then put Sonny Boy back down for his nap. My life has changed drastically ever since my two boys came into my life. But I wouldn't trade my time with the two of them, for anything in the world. I love Gus and Justin, and even though I have problems expressing myself, I know they love me too.