Picture by Susan ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 5: Gus had already left for school with a new friend and Brian was sitting at the breakfast table; not that he had any appetite to eat. He’d woken at 5:00am., had showered and dressed for work and had then got Gus’s breakfast, leaving Justin still asleep and had consumed countless cups of coffee since coming down to the kitchen. Justin stumbled down a little before 9:00, surprised to find Brian still at home and went to pour himself a cup of coffee. He stood with his back to the counter, drinking from his cup and he watched as Brian read the morning newspaper. “Aren’t you going in today?” asked Justin eventually and Brian nodded and folded up the paper. “Yes, but there’s no rush … perks of being your own boss … you can choose your own hours”. “What happened to you last night?” asked Brian, casually. He looked at Justin, waiting for his answer and knowing full well they couldn’t exactly avoid the situation; to do so would just be burying his head in the sand. Justin scratched behind his ear. “I … I ended up taking the publisher out to dinner and we had too much to drink so I left my car and got a cab … sorry … I was pretty wasted when I got home” and he turned away; hoping the other man couldn’t read the obvious lie in his eyes. The excuse sounded totally plausible, but the catch in Justin’s voice and the very fact that he turned away as he spoke, gave Brian the answer he needed. Justin was lying. He’d seen the deceit in his face last night and now he heard it in his tone. Whether or not there had been an appointment with a publisher, that wasn’t what had kept him away from home until after midnight or what had required him to take a shower before he returned to Brian. “I’ll give you a ride back to your car if you like …” said Brian, but Justin shook his head. “No … thanks … I already called a cab” and he returned to the coffee pot and poured himself a refill. Without a further word, Brian turned and went out into the hallway and collected his coat and attaché case. No “catch you later”, “see you at dinner” or even a goodbye peck on the cheek had passed between them and a familiar feeling of Justin slipping away crept over him. Justin gripped the edge of the counter and closed his eyes. He hated lying to Brian, but how could he tell him where he’d really been. He didn’t love Ethan, he was convinced of that and didn’t have any real memory of what had happened the previous night, but if Brian ever found out that he’d betrayed him again, then that would surely be the end of them. Thirty minutes later, as ordered, the cab arrived to collect Justin and take him back to the hotel parking lot to retrieve his car. But what he wasn’t aware of was the fact that Brian had waited just down the street and had followed them and was now watching him at a safe distance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Immediately he arrived at his office, Brian closed the door and looked up the number. He took out his cell phone and when the hotel answered, Brian asked for Ethan Gold. “One moment, Sir” came the reply and he heard the phone ring and then the click as it was picked up. “Ethan Gold”. Brian’s heart sank as he heard the man’s voice: the final confirmation. Ethan was indeed staying at the hotel where Justin had left his car overnight and slowly, Brian shut off his phone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The next few days passed excruciatingly slowly with them hardly speaking to one another and Justin knew that somehow and without a shadow of a doubt that Brian was aware he’d slept with another man and he watched as slowly, Brian retreated behind the barriers Justin has worked so hard to break down. The older man was withdrawing from him, both physically and emotionally. Brian was pulling away from Justin, making it his decision to put distance between them. This way, it would be easier to bear when their final parting eventually came; he wasn’t going to put himself through the same thing that had happened all those years ago. He wasn’t going to give Justin a choice; it would be Brian who would come to a decision. Watching Brian’s obvious pain became too much for Justin and he knew he had to confront the man, tell him the truth and beg his forgiveness; get it all out in the open. Anything had to be better than this, but he couldn’t face up to the consequences of his actions; knowing how much it would hurt the older man and that it was very likely that Brian would tell him to go. And Justin was still confused about Ethan’s motives. If the man loved him like he said he did back in his room, even though Justin had told him he was in love with Brian, why hadn’t he tried to contact him: left a message for him. Instead, they’d been no word. If he wanted him, why wasn’t he talking to him, trying to convince him to leave Brian? And he wished he could remember more about that afternoon and evening and how come his defences had been so low that he’d ended up in bed with Ethan. Had it been all those shared memories of a much happier time together? A time when Justin truly believed Ethan loved him that had made him succumb to the man’s obvious charms? Brian and Justin hadn’t made love since before the night when Justin had come home so late; after Justin had shared another man’s bed and Brian knew this couldn’t go on. To be so close and yet know he no longer belonged to him, was breaking Brian’s heart and as each day went by, he found it harder to cope. Going into the office, at least Brian could immerse himself in his work and he was actively looking for someone to replace Justin as Head of the Art Department and had received several resumes in the mail. With any luck, he should be able to appoint someone within the next month. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was Friday night and Gus was at a friend’s for a sleepover. Brian had left Kinnetik, skipped dinner and was working in the small office when he heard Justin finally arrive home, come upstairs and go into the bedroom. Brian had been waiting for him; he knew this had to be done tonight and he followed him in. The bedroom had always been their sanctuary: their haven: a place to retreat to where they could block out the outside world. It hadn’t only been a place for pleasure. It had also been a place for healing and honesty; honesty that only comes when two people share each other’s body and mind so totally and willingly as these two lovers had done. But now it was also a place to say goodbye and, as Brian quietly closed the door behind him, he found Justin sitting on the bed, holding his head in his hands. “Why, Justin?” he asked him. “Haven’t I done everything you wanted me to?” and Justin looked up at him and shook his head. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Brian … believe me … and I’m still not sure how it did but …” “And with Ethan …” the older man continued, not giving him a chance to finish. Slowly, Justin stood up and took a pace towards him. “How did you know it was Ethan?” he asked and Brian sighed. “I heard the message he left you on the answer phone and … and I found the artwork you’d done” and he bit his lip as Justin closed his eyes and shook his head in horror as Brian continued. “I … I followed you when you went to collect your car and then called the hotel and asked for his room … that’s how I knew you’d been with him …” “You followed me?” asked Justin, unable to disguise his anger. “You didn’t trust me?” “No, and with good reason it would seem,” countered Brian and he ran his fingers through his hair. “This isn’t getting us any where … is it?” “I don’t love him … I love you …” pleaded Justin, but he could see from the expression in Brian’s eyes that it was too late to repair the damage; there was nothing left. “What do you want me to do?” asked Justin quietly and, unlike before, when they’d reached this almost identical situation all those years ago, Brian could now answer him. “I can’t do this again, Justin … I need you to leave,” he answered him and he saw Justin’s eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry, Brian,” said Justin and the younger man turned away from him and Brian fought to keep his own tears in check as he walked out of the bedroom and back to his office. Fifteen minutes later, he heard Justin’s footsteps on the stairs, the front door close and then the sound of the car engine as he pulled away. Slowly, Brian closed the office door behind him and made his way back to the bedroom and the room already felt strangely empty. Justin had packed a suitcase, taking some of his clothes and then Brian caught the glint of metal on the nightstand and he sat down on the bed and picked up Justin’s wedding band. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The incessant ringing eventually woke him and Brian rolled over, trying to work out where the noise was coming from and eventually realised it was the doorbell. It was late morning and stumbling down the stairs, he opened the door to his son, who had been brought home by his friend’s Mom. “Dad, are you okay?” asked Gus as he came in the door carrying the mail which he dropped on the hall table. Brian rubbed his face. He’d got pretty smashed last night and at the sound of the doorbell had finally woken up after falling asleep on top of the bed and still fully clothed. “I’m fine,” snapped his Father, turning away and he immediately regretted his tone and he stopped and turned back. “I’m just pretty tired,” said Brian, by way of explanation and he was trying to keep a headache at bay. “Gus … can you just watch some DVD’s or something for a couple of hours … I need to get some more sleep …” “Sure Dad,” answered Gus and he made his way to the family room as Brian headed back upstairs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two hours later, Brian slowly became aware of the shrill of the smoke alarm and suddenly came fully awake as fear for his son overtook him. Pushing himself up off the bed, he almost lost his footing on the stairs as he rushed to the source of the noise. Luckily, Gus had thought to turn off the stove, but he was waving a towel over a flaming pan, trying to get the flame to go out as Brian stumbled into the kitchen. He grabbed the towel from Gus and quickly ran it under the faucet and, once soaked, he carefully placed it over the pan, extinguishing the fire. “Gus … what the hell were you doing?” shouted Brian over the noise of the alarm and he threw open the back door and all the windows, allowing the smoke to escape. “I was hungry”, confessed his son, as the alarm stopped. “I was just trying to fix something to eat…” Thankfully, Gus was unscathed and there was no damage other than a burnt out pan and ruined food, but the boy was ashen-faced and shaking and upset that he’d angered his Father. Brian looked at him and dropped down in front of the boy and hugged him close. Christ; Gus was all he had now and he couldn’t even look after him; protect him like he should. “It’s okay … no harm done … as long as you’re all right” and he pulled back to look at him and Gus nodded. Once the kitchen had cleared of smoke, Brian fixed Gus lunch and brushed aside his questions as to Justin’s whereabouts, but knew he was barely holding things together. Leaving the boy eating at the kitchen table, Brian went into the living room and picked up the phone and called Debbie. “Hi Debbie …” “Hi Brian” answered Debbie. “How’s it going?” but Brian couldn’t give the usual polite answer to such enquiries. “Can you do something for me, Debs?” he continued. “Sure, Brian … what’s up?” “Can you look after Gus for a few days for me?” Brian knew he had to get his head together and couldn’t do that and concentrate on his young son at the same time; he’d just demonstrated that. “Sure ... you and Justin having some time away to yourselves?” she asked, chuckling, but the long pause on the other end of the line sounded the warning bells and Debbie’s tone suddenly became serious. “What’s wrong, Brian?” but still Brian couldn’t speak and Debbie didn’t need any more of an explanation. “I’ll be right there,” said Debbie and she hung up. Brian returned to the kitchen and sat down in the chair next to Gus. “Gus, how would you like to go and stay with Debbie for a few days?” Brian asked him and his son looked at him. “What about school?” asked the boy. “I’ll ring school on Monday and tell them you won’t be going in for a couple of days” said Brian and he looked down at his hands, which he’d rested on the table. Gus pushed his plate away. “Where’s Justin?” he asked his Father again and Brian met his gaze. “Justin’s … Justin’s gone away for a little while” he answered him, unable to bring himself yet to tell the boy the truth, but Gus couldn’t miss the sadness in his Father’s eyes; a look he hadn’t seen in months. “Is he coming back?” asked Gus and Brian realised he couldn’t lie. “No”, said Brian, ruffling his son’s hair. “He’s not coming back. Come on … I’ll help you pack a bag” and Father and son went to Gus’s bedroom to pack enough clothes for a few days. Whilst they were waiting for Debbie, Brian rang Rosa, their housekeeper who came in during the week for a few hours each day, kept the house in order, prepared their evening meal and kept Gus company until either Justin or Brian came home. Brian told her she wouldn’t be needed for a few days and that he was giving her some paid vacation time. She was a very nice lady, whose younger brother was gay, so wasn’t shocked at working in an all male household and even had a tendency to fuss over them in a way that reminded Brian of a younger, milder Debbie, but there was no way he wanted anyone else in the house right now. Marty drove Debbie over to Brian’s, but he remained in the car when she came up to the house. Gus always enjoyed staying over at Debbie’s and Brian knew she’d fuss over him and that also she was a link to his past: to his Mom’s at a time when Brian hadn’t been around; a link that Brian wanted to maintain. Debbie could see that Gus was on the verge of tears as she sent him to join Marty in the car and she ushered Brian back inside his own house so that she could talk to him alone. “Okay, Brian Kinney … no bullshit … what’s going on?” asked Debbie, as direct as usual and she saw Brian struggle to keep from showing any emotion as he walked away from her and sat on the sofa. “Where’s Justin?” she asked him. “Justin’s gone” Brian replied coldly, determined to keep up appearances; not wanting to seem weak, even in front of an old friend. But Debbie wouldn’t let up. “Gone where?” “Gone … just gone” and Brian looked away as Debbie sat down beside him. “I don’t understand … what happened?” she asked him. “You guys looked so happy …” and Brian shrugged. “Yeah well, appearances can be deceptive … and at least I know now for sure that it wasn’t meant to happen … after all … we’re queers and ..” “Queers don’t get hooked up for life … is that it?” asked Debbie and Brian glanced at her before getting up and walking over to the side table; he poured himself a drink. Sure things aren’t always what they seem and Brian was doing a number right here and now; appearing as one thing and feeling another and Debbie sighed as the old Brian Kinney had started to re-emerge; but she wasn’t going to let him. “Now don’t give me any of that couldn’t-give-a-damn bullshit … it was obvious to anyone who cared to look that you two are just crazy about each other … love each other. Every relationship goes through a rocky patch, Brian …” “Does that include fucking someone else?” asked Brian and then immediately regretted what he said; it really wasn’t anyone else’s business. “You or Justin?” asked Debbie and Brian couldn’t resist a chuckle. “Well, it wasn’t me … but what the hell…” and he swallowed his drink and started to pour out another. “Little early for that, isn’t it?” asked Debbie and Brian shrugged. “Looks like I was just kidding myself all along” stated Brian quietly, more to himself than for Debbie to hear and for a moment, she saw a crack in the armour. “Brian, if there’s any chance that you two can patch things up … isn’t it worth giving it a try?” but Brian shook his head. “Not this time, Debs” and he looked at her. “I can’t let him do it to me again … especially with …” and he stopped and took a swallow of his drink. “With who?” asked Debbie and Brian looked at her over his glass. “Ethan Gold” said Brian, quietly. “Ethan? … Ethan’s back?” asked Debbie and Brian nodded. “Shit”, muttered Debbie under her breath. When he and Ethan had met before, she’d thought Justin was probably better off with someone his own age, someone who seemed to be able to give him everything he wanted. Brian had never had a serious relationship; had never wanted one and was determined that Justin wasn’t going to change things. But Debbie had seen how Justin got to Brian and had challenged him over his feelings for the younger man; feelings that in the end, Brian couldn’t deny. “So you’re just gonna give up … not even put up a fight?” she asked him, but Brian couldn’t answer her. Truthfully, he didn’t think he had any fight left. Debbie sighed; it didn’t look like Brian could be moved on this one. “Well … I don’t like leaving you here on your own …” “I’m not going to do anything dumb” stated Brian. “I love my son too much for that. Besides he’s lost two … three parents already … I wouldn’t do that to him”. Debbie stood up; she knew Brian had to work through this for himself, but she hoped the man didn’t withdraw from everyone in the process. This was when he needed his friends the most. “Looks like Mikey was right all along …” said Brian, as Debbie turned to leave. “But don’t tell him I said that” and Brian managed a weak smile. Brian walked Debbie down the hall to the front door and they hugged. “Now don’t you go worrying about Gus, ‘cos he’ll be just fine … you take care of yourself, kiddo” and Brian nodded and closed the door behind her and he picked up the mail that Gus had brought in with him and took it through to the kitchen. Absentmindedly, Brian started to sort the mail. It was the usual circulars and credit card statements, including one for Justin and as Brian picked up the bulky envelope marked for his attention with “PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL” in large letters written across the top, the phone rang, but he made no attempt to answer it. Just as well as he heard Justin’s voice on the answer phone. “Brian … it’s me. I thought I’d better let you know I’m at Mom’s in case you need to get in touch or forward any mail. I’ll … I’ll call in a couple of days about collecting more of my things. Love to Gus. Bye …” Brian closed his eyes at the sound of Justin’s voice; the other man sounded like he felt; desolate; empty. There was so much they were going to have to do; going there separate ways, even after such a short time together. Forwarding the mail was the least thing on his mind. Brian opened his eyes, his brow furrowed in curiosity as he tore open the envelope he was holding and had to fight to keep down the wave of nausea that coursed though him as he inspected the contents. Slowly, Brian sat down in the chair and his hands shook as he spread the photographs out on the table. He thought he might cry, but he was passed that now. Instead, he felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest as what he was looking at registered in his head. If he needed confirmation then the 8 x 10 colour photographs was it. Various photographs of Justin, lying on his back: Ethan leaning over him and with his hand on the blond’s belly or on his thigh or sitting astride him. And then there were others: Justin, lying on his belly: head to one side: being fucked by Ethan. Then there was the note: “Do you still think he loves you?” And Brian couldn’t stop staring at them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The rest of the day passed in a haze of alcohol and Brian eventually fell asleep on the sofa: the photographs falling to the floor as he did so. When he next woke, it was early morning and the sunlight was shining in through the windows. He groaned: the ache in his head matching the stiffness in his back as he sat up. And that’s when he saw them again; the photographs scattered on the floor. Everything he and Justin had talked about for the future had gone down the pan. He’d bought this beautiful house for them all to share: to finally be a family and it had all been for nothing. He’d opened up his heart and allowed someone in and it had been broken into a million pieces. If this was love then he now knew for sure how right he’d been in avoiding it all those years. He didn’t need this crap; there was no way he could ever allow himself to fall in love again and Brian tried to turn the wedding band around on his finger and take it off, but his hands were hot and it wouldn’t budge; “Shit” and he rubbed his face with his hands. Slowly, Brian reached down and gathered the photographs up off the floor and that’s when he realised what it was he was actually looking at. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jennifer Taylor eventually opened the door. In the end she was forced to, such was the never-ending hammering it was receiving under Brian’s fist and he tried to push passed her. “Where is he, Jennifer? … he isn’t picking up my calls … I need to see him”. “He’s not here, Brian …” she answered, catching Brian by the elbow and preventing him from entering the house further. It was late morning and needing to talk to Justin face to face, Brian had taken a couple of painkillers and consumed several mugs of black coffee and had then showered and shaved before heading over and he was in no mood to be messed about; his head was still pounding too much. He stepped back. “Don’t lie to me … his goddamn car’s outside …” and this time he managed to get passed her. “JUSTIN … JUSTIN!” “Brian … he’s too upset right now …” “Tough … I wanna see him …”, but Jennifer stood her ground. “Brian, I must ask you to leave. If you don’t … I’ll call the Police and I don’t think any of us need a scene right now … do you?” Brian stopped and turned back to her. “Tell him I need to speak to him … please?” and Jennifer nodded; shocked to see Brian so obviously hurt and hear the pleading in his voice. Reluctantly, Brian left and Jennifer closed the door behind him and she turned round to see her son standing halfway up the stairs. “Was he very angry?” he asked, but Jennifer shook her head. “Well … I wouldn’t call it angry, but he looked pretty upset and … to be honest, dear … I don’t think I can really blame him … do you?” Having presented himself on her doorstep two nights before, Justin had in the end, broken down and it had all spilled out, much to his Mother’s horror. If anyone was going to screw their relationship, then her money had been on Brian. But instead, her son had sat on the sofa and tearfully told his Mother how he’d cheated on the man he loved. The phone rang and they both looked over to it; neither of them moving to answer and they let it go on to the machine; it was Brian. “Justin … I need to talk to you … it’s important. Please come round to the house so that we can talk face to face … you owe me that much at least” and Jennifer brushed her son’s cheek with her hand and Justin closed his eyes. Brian was right; that was the very least he owed him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nervously, Justin rang the doorbell. He wasn’t really looking forward to this, as it was unlikely Brian wanted to talk about salvaging their relationship; the look in his face when he told him to leave had said everything about how over it really was. No, this was more likely to do with sorting out their joint finances, his possessions and when was he going empty his studio and Justin hadn’t even thought what he was going to do about his business. He would have to try and find a place of his own to live and work out of if he wanted to continue working for himself. Brian opened the door. “You lose your key?” he asked him, turning around and walking back into the house; not waiting for an answer. No, Justin hadn’t lost his key, it just didn’t feel right to use it. Christ: it wasn’t that long ago that he’d felt the same way pitching up on Tim’s doorstep and now he was doing it again. Justin followed Brian into the dining room. “We really need to talk … “ said Brian, looking back over his shoulder. “I know”, answered Justin. “I’ll start moving my stuff out …” “That’s not what I mean. Come over here … I need you to look at these.” Brian walked over to the table and the blond followed him. Laid out on the dining table were the photographs of him and Ethan and Justin recoiled in horror. “What the …” and Justin looked at Brian in total shock. “Fuck you … Brian”, he yelled at him and he took a step backwards before he turned and fled. “Justin … wait … I had nothing to do with this …” Brian caught up with Justin in the hallway and caught him by the arm and spun him around to face him and Justin pushed him away. “Fuck off Brian ... it’s bad enough I know what I did without you rubbing my nose in it …” “I’m not rubbing your nose in it …” yelled Brian back at him. “Come back and look at the photographs …” but Justin tried to go passed him. Brian grabbed Justin’s wrist and put an arm around his waist. With all the strength he could muster, he turned the blond around, catching him off balance and he forced him back into the dining room: all the time with Justin pulling against his hold. “Let go of me … Brian … ” Justin was pleading with him. The quick glance he’d taken of what lay on the table had been enough to turn his stomach and now Brian was about to torture him with what he had done. Unceremoniously, Brian pushed Justin down into one of the dining room chairs. “Look at the goddamn photographs …” and he held Justin by the shoulders: preventing him from getting up. Justin gasped and lent his elbows on the table; covering his face with his hands and Brian pulled up another chair alongside him and sat down. “Justin … please … look at the photographs”. Brian had taken a deep breath and lowered his voice; realising he was scaring the younger man, who continued to hide behind his hands. “Justin … I’m not doing this to hurt you … please … trust me” and Brian stroked Justin’s hair and placed his hand on the blond’s arm. Slowly, Justin lowered his hands. “What do you want me to say Brian?” he asked, his eyes brimming with tears. “That I’m sorry. I AM SORRY … I wish to God this had never happened …” but Brian shook his head and interrupted him. “Justin … look at these … tell me what’s wrong with them …” Justin tried to look at the photographs as asked, but took in a sharp breath and looked away, so Brian continued. “Well … how come these were taken in the first place? Why did Ethan do this?” he asked him, but Justin could only manage a slight shrug, still unable to take in what was happening. “Okay …” said Brian, picking up one of the photographs. “You’re the artist … the one with the trained eye … what’s wrong with them?” “I don’t know what you mean,” said Justin at last and Brian pointed to the images of the lovers. “Well … there’s 10 … 12 photographs here … and in not one of them do you have your eyes open …” Justin shook his head. “I still don’t know what you’re getting at …” “Justin … look at yourself. There’s not one flicker of emotion ... not one scrap of pleasure on your face …” and Justin looked at him and frowned and Brian tilted his head towards the photographs. Slowly, Justin turned to look at the photographs and picked up first one and then another and another and Brian sighed in relief as the truth eventually dawned. “I’m out cold!” said Justin, hoarsely, and Brian nodded. “You were either drunk or drugged …” “I was sure I hadn’t had too much to drink,” stated Justin. “I mean, I wanted to get the meeting over with as soon as possible and I had my car with me .. and I was going on to see a publisher ... I had no intention of getting smashed …” “Then you were drugged … he probably used one of the date rape drugs …” “But don’t they turn blue or something?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head. “Only the newer stuff … if he used the older type … you wouldn’t have known anything about it”. “But why?” asked Justin; his voice breaking. “He said he loved me … even though he knew I was with you …” “This isn’t love, Justin”, said Brian. “This is hate … hate and revenge. He wanted to get back at you for leaving him and by doing this he hoped to finish us too”. And suddenly, the full impact of what had happened overwhelmed Justin. “He … he raped me …” he whispered; the pain and horror so obvious in his face. “But … I’d know … wouldn’t I?” he asked and Brian took Justin’s hand. “If you were unconscious … your body would have been relaxed … there wouldn’t have been any resistance …” Justin pulled away from Brian and his hand flew up to his mouth and he tried to swallow. He got up suddenly: knocking over the chair as he did so and ran out of the room and up the stairs. Brian followed him to the bathroom, to find Justin on his knees in front of the toilet bowl and emptying his stomach. Nothing more would come, but Justin continued to wretch on an empty stomach and then gently, Brian helped him to his feet and over to the sink. Turning on the cold water, Justin splashed his face and took a drink: swilling it around in his mouth and then spitting it out. Brian passed him a towel and Justin buried his face in the soft material as the older man rubbed the back of Justin’s neck. Lowering his hands, he looked at Brian’s reflection in the mirror and he tried to regain his composure. “Justin”, said Brian, softly. “I think there’s something else you need to think about …” and the blond turned to face him. “I think you better get yourself checked out … just in case.” “What?” whispered Justin, not fully comprehending what Brian was saying. “Well … who knows what was going on in Ethan’s head when he did this …” This was the last straw; the final humiliation and Justin felt his whole world crumble as he sank against Brian’s chest and the older man wrapped his arms around him as Justin broke down. Half carrying the younger man, Brian helped Justin into the bedroom and sat him down on the bed. “I’m sorry …” whispered the blond, totally distraught and Brian sat beside him, rubbing his back. “Hey … this isn’t your fault … Ethan set this whole thing up …” but Justin shook his head. “I should have told you I was meeting him … been up front with you from the start …” “Well,” said Brian, “the fact that you felt you couldn’t probably says a lot more about me than it does about you. But that doesn’t matter now. What you need now is a good night’s sleep and then in the morning … we’ll go and get you tested”. Happy to let Brian take control, Justin allowed the older man to undress him and put him to bed and then Brian undressed himself and climbed in beside him. Justin was still a little unsure of how Brian now felt about him, but that was made clear when the older man moved in close. Justin hesitated for just a moment before moving into Brian and he closed his eyes as Brian’s arms enveloped him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin woke to the sound of Brian’s voice. The older man had been up a little while and was showered and dressed and he placed a cup of coffee on the nightstand and gently shook Justin by the shoulder: softly calling his name. Brian smiled at him as Justin opened his eyes. “Morning …” “Morning …” answered Justin, his voice a little raspy from his crying the night before and his beautiful blue eyes still showed evidence of the tears they’d shed. “What time is it?” “A little after 9 …” answered Brian. “Do you wanna go and get showered … we have an appointment shortly …” and Justin closed his eyes again as the memories of the revelations of the night before came flooding back to him. Slowly, he threw back the covers and sat on the edge of the bed and then Justin took a couple of swallows of coffee before he made his way to the bathroom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The doctor had taken the blood samples and Brian asked how long before they would have the results. “Two to three weeks should do it …” came the reply and Justin closed his eyes. How in God’s name would he last out that long without knowing for sure? Wanting to support Justin, Brian had offered to get himself checked out also. But what he hadn’t told the blond was that he was the only man he’d been with since his last test. “Can’t we get the results any sooner?” asked Brian, taking hold of Justin’s hand. “Well, you can get the results in a couple of hours … if you want to pay the extra fee …” answered the doctor. “Thank you, doctor”, answered Brian. “We’ll pay the extra ..” and before Justin could find his own credit card, Brian smiled at him, got up and followed the doctor out to the desk to make the appropriate payment. Brian wanted to take Justin for coffee, to get him away from the doctor’s office while they waited for the results; but he wouldn’t go. So instead, Brian tried to keep up a conversation, but it was obvious the blond’s mind was elsewhere and after a few minutes he gave up and they sat in silence. Justin couldn’t believe what a fool he’d been. Why hadn’t he seen through Ethan’s little charade? Was he really that gullible? Was it because he’d once been in love with the man that he hoped Ethan still had enough feelings to be honest with him; an honesty that Ethan couldn’t manage during their relationship? Instead, Ethan had used him and abused him and he didn’t even know for sure whether the man had used protection. He couldn’t trust that Ethan had that much respect for him; maybe he never had. And who was it now sitting beside him; offering all the love and support he needed? Brian. It was Brian who was prepared to overlook the fact that he’d kept his meetings with Ethan a secret. It was Brian who had worked out what Ethan’s little game was and still loved Justin enough to want to support him through this ordeal. It was Brian who had also taken the test along with him; a test that Justin somehow doubted he needed, but was the older man’s way of saying he was right with him. And, as they sat outside the doctor’s office, it was Brian who took his hand and told him that no matter what the outcome that he loved him; that he’d be there for him and that they were still a family; if that’s what Justin wanted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Mr. Kinney … Mr. Taylor …” called the doctor and Justin started at the sound of his name being called: bringing him back to reality. “Do you want to come in separately or …” “Thank you doctor …” answered Brian, “we’ll come in together” and Brian stood and held out his hand to Justin and, hand in hand, they followed the doctor back inside his office. Taking their seats, Justin swallowed hard and tried to stop from shaking as the doctor took his place behind his desk. For what seemed an eternity, the man looked through his notes and said nothing and then he looked at first Justin and then Brian. He smiled. “Negative … you’re both in the clear …” Brian smiled and the relief on Justin’s face couldn’t be more obvious, but the doctor hadn’t finished. “You should both be tested again in about six months, just to be absolutely sure … but I wouldn’t worry too …” and Justin got to his feet; he just wanted to get out of there. After having shaken the doctor’s hand, Justin couldn’t get out fast enough and they made their exit, but not before the doctor had made sure he’d got his point across as to how lucky they were and not to take chances again. That it wasn’t just HIV they were at risk from by having unprotected sex, but various other STD’s as well; a lesson Justin had been well aware of ever since he was 17 years old and one Brian had taken great pains to remind him. Once outside the office, reality finally sunk home and Justin clung to Brian and then Brian kissed him. “Can we go home?” asked Justin softly. “Sure”, answered Brian. “But then there’s something we must do”. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “What the hell are you doing?” asked Justin in horror, as Brian rang Ethan’s hotel and asked for him by name and Brian put a hand up to stop him as Ethan answered. They’d come straight back from the doctor’s and all Justin wanted to do was to be with Brian back in his own home, but Brian obviously had other ideas. “Ethan … it’s Brian Kinney …” and Brian could hear the surprise in the other man’s voice. “Brian? … then I take it you got my little package?” the other man asked him. “Yes I did” answered Brian, “ … and I want to thank you and see if we can’t come to some sort of arrangement …”. There was a pause on the other end of the line as Ethan tried to work out what Brian meant, but in the end he had to ask. “I’m not sure I understand what …” “Well, you’ve shown me what a fool I’ve been … but that isn’t something I want the whole world to know so … I assume the negatives are up for sale?” Ethan smiled to himself. This wasn’t something he’d even considered, but why not? He’d got even with Justin, ruined his relationship with Kinney and would make a little cash into the bargain. “How much?” continued Brian, waiting for Ethan’s response. “10 thousand …” came the eventual reply and Brian repeated the amount, specifically for Justin’s ears. Justin moved towards Brian. As far as he was concerned he wanted to forget the episode with Ethan had ever happened, but Brian wasn’t prepared to let it go. “Okay …” continued Brian. “Give me an hour … I’ll come over to the hotel” and he rang off. “10 thousand? Is that all I’m worth?” asked Justin, but Brian pulled him close and lent down to kiss him. And Brian’s kiss told Justin that his worth was totally incalculable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ethan answered after the first knock and stood back to allow Brian entry. “Well … Brian Kinney … after all these years …” “Cut the crap … we both know why we’re here … so let’s get this over with …” Ethan smiled, it didn’t sound like Brian had changed that much over the years at all and he moved over to the bed and picked up a packet containing the negatives. “You’ve got my money?” asked Ethan and Brian nodded. Ethan chuckled and then handed Brian the packet, which Brian opened and he took a quick glance inside. Brian then reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin, which he tossed at Ethan. Taken by surprise, Ethan took a step back as he caught the coin. “What the fuck’s this … a nickel?” asked Ethan and Brian nodded. “And that’s being generous …” said Brian and he opened the door behind him and Justin stepped inside the room. “These are worthless, Ethan …” stated Brian, indicating the packet. “We’re on to your little game …and it didn’t work. If anything … we’re more solid now than we were before,” and Justin’s heart leapt at hearing Brian’s words. If he’d needed more confirmation of just how much the man loved him, than this was it. Ethan chuckled and nodded and looked down at the ground. He’d been outsmarted and if anything, he’d only served to push them even closer together. Putting the packet of negatives in his coat pocket, Brian turned to leave, but Justin put a hand on his arm. “Ethan … I have to know … did you rape me?” and Brian glanced from Ethan to the blond and back again, dreading the reply. Slowly, Ethan shook his head. “No … I didn’t … it was just set up to look like we were fucking. In the end, seeing you lying there … so … so vulnerable … so beautiful … I couldn’t …” and Justin felt the tears of relief behind his eyes as he and Brian turned to leave. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At last Justin remembered to call his Mother. Jennifer was frantic, not having heard from him for so long and he promised he’d call round and explain what had happened, but for her not to worry; that he was back with Brian and everything had worked out fine; they were okay. In fact, they were more than okay and going back home, barely made it up the stairs before they started to pull off their clothes. “You know … I can remember the time when we fucked practically anywhere …” Justin reminded him as they almost fell through the bedroom door. “Yeah … well … I actually prefer the comfort of my own bed these days …”said Brian, pulling Justin down on top of him and he rolled him onto his back. Brian reached into the nightstand drawer and took out the condoms and lube and smiled as their normal routine took over. Suddenly, Justin put his hand under Brian’s chin and tilted his head to face him. “I don’t want to take any chances … I wanna wait and get checked again in 6 months … but … after then … can we not bother with these?” Brian smiled and looked down. He’d never barebacked with anyone; he’d never been in a monogamous relationship before and he nodded in agreement; there was nothing he wanted more than to be as physically close to the younger man as he could. “I so love you …” whispered Justin and Brian smiled back. “I love you too …” and he moved forwards; between Justin’s legs. Never had their lovemaking been so sweet. These last few days, becoming more remote from each other before Justin had moved out, had in some ways been more painful than when he’d left all those years before; having had him back in his life again. And when Justin had left just a couple of nights ago, Brian had thought that it would be forever, but now realised he should never have doubted Justin’s love for him and that if anything the young man showed what a good heart he had by trusting Ethan; a trust that had been abused. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin woke to find himself alone in bed and, wrapping his robe around himself, went looking for Brian. He found him in the living room, sitting on the rug and with a fire burning in the hearth. “Brian … what are you doing? It’s not cold enough to light a fire …” and Brian looked over his shoulder and, as he approached him, Justin saw the photographs and negatives in his hand. Brian smiled and turned back and carefully placed the offensive material on the fire and Justin sat down beside him and they both watched as it went up in flames. They sat in the fire glow and Justin linked his arm through Brian’s and rested his head on the older man’s shoulder. This was the past finally being laid to rest; no longer would it come back to haunt them. And not for the first time did Justin wonder at Brian’s capacity to love. A capacity denied for so long, but now all-consuming. “Oh … “ said Brian. “I think this is yours …” and pulling away from Justin he reached inside the pocket of his robe and took out the small box, which he opened. And, for the second and final time, he placed the wedding band on Justin’s finger. Justin looked at the gold band and smiled. Ethan had once given him a ring, a ring tarnished and worthless by comparison to the one now on his hand. Tarnished and worthless, just like Ethan’s love for him and Justin lent towards Brian and kissed him, slowly pulling on the belt of Brian’s robe. “Just as well this is a comfortable rug …” whispered Brian, as Justin’s mouth closed over his. To be continued.