SONS & MOTHERS, SONS AND LOVERS
Chapter 1
Brian closed the door to the loft, with the hum of the descending elevator and his Mother's words still ringing in his ears. "You're going to Hell!"
With Brian dressed only in jogger bottoms and Justin in his shorts, it didn't take a genius to work out what was going on here and Joan Kinney was certainly no genius.
Suddenly confronted with her son and his young male lover, Joan's venom had quickly surfaced. This went against all she knew and understood. Her strong, inflexible religious upbringing did not allow for this kind of revelation. Brian - her son, her successful, handsome son: how could he? How could he do this to her!
"It's a sin and you're going to Hell!" - these were the words she left him with, refusing to discuss the matter further, turning on her heels to retreat back home, to find comfort in the best thing available next to God - the sherry bottle.
“Jesus!” – the word had escaped Justin’s lips before he’d had a chance to check himself.
He was standing in the middle of the floor; the enormity of what had just happened suddenly hit him.
“I’m sorry Brian – I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble”. Justin moved towards him, intending to touch him, to comfort him, but Brian neatly sidestepped away; away from Justin and from the matter in hand - a skill he'd honed to perfection.
"So what? Why the fuck should I care what she thinks of me…… It’s OK Justin. It doesn’t matter. I guess she would have found out sooner or later. So, now she knows. Come on, we’d better get ready. We said we’d be over at Deb’s by 7.30”.
Brian retreated to the shower, to try and wash away that feeling of rejection that always surfaced whenever he’d been around either of his parents.
But the truth of the matter was - Brian did care. All those years of putting up walls and defences to keep everyone out; all the times he'd said "the only person you need is yourself". He'd said this over and over so many times he'd actually started to believe it. But who wouldn't want or need a Mother’s love: the woman who bore you, who would protect you like a lioness protects her cubs. The one person you should always, would always be able to count on, no matter what you did, who you were, who you had become, the bond that could never be broken or questioned. But the truth was Joan had never been a Mother in the true sense of what most people know a Mother to be.
As far back as Brian could remember, there had never been any hugs, any cuddles or comfort. No checking to see how her young son was doing. Never asking "how was school today?" "You made the soccer team! Well that's great news!"
Even when Jack, Brian's Father, would pick on him after a night out bowling with the guys or drinking down at the social, for no reason other than he was there; and had had the audacity to have even been born. Or when Brian had escaped to another woman's house for sanctuary, another kid's Mother looking out for her son. Not even this had seeped into Joan Kinney's conscience. And now, here he was a grown man - grown up without her even noticing and a homosexual. No, this did not happen in Joan Kinney's neat little world.
The ride over to Deb’s house would take 20 minutes or so, give or take traffic, but it was the longest ride there that Justin could remember. He’d tried to make light conversation, but Brian replied with one-word answers or just nodded or shook his head.
“Shit – how could she say that – his own Mother?” Mentally, Justin went over the relationship he had with his own Mom and thanked God he had her. Though Jennifer was still struggling to come to terms with his sexuality and life-style, Justin knew she would always love him, always be there for him. She would never turn her back and walk away from him like Brian’s Mother had.
They arrived outside the Novotny’s just as Michael crossed the street. Ben was at a faculty meeting tonight, so Michael was on his own. He didn’t really mind too much. His Mother always managed to embarrass him one way or another in front of his boyfriend.
‘Boyfriend’ - Michael was still getting used to that, but the more he heard it, the more he liked it. Maybe now Ben was in is life, Michael would no longer cling to the hope that one day, he and Brian would be together.
The look on Brian’s face immediately told Michael all was not how it should be.
“Hi Justin, Brian. What’s up Bri – you look like shit?”
“Well, fuck you too, Mikey”.
Michael and he had never been on the best of terms, but even so, Justin did not want Michael to think that somehow he was to blame for Brian’s mood, so he told him what had happened earlier.
“His Mom showed up at the loft today and caught us”.
“Doing what?” Christ, Michael could be so clueless at times.
“Playing Scrabble – what do you think!” barked Brian sarcastically.
Michael blinked, finally getting it: “Oh!”
Starting up the path to the front door, Brian turned back to face them: “It’s no big deal – she woulda found out anyway I guess and, surprise, surprise – I’m going to Hell! Now, get your asses inside before Debbie comes out and drags us in”.
As Brian took the steps up to the house two at a time, Michael put his hand on Justin’s arm to hold him back. “Is he OK?” he whispered. Justin shrugged: “Who knows what’s going on in his head right now. Fuck if I do”.
Supper was the usual Debbie Novotny fayre – enough to feed the entire Airborne Division and still have enough leftovers to satisfy a pack of hungry Steelers after a brisk workout! “Christ, was I ever grateful for these meals”, thought Brian.
The evening was pleasant; a group of people who genuinely liked each other, but even so Brian's mood did not go undetected by those present. Sure he was polite, joined in the conversation when he had to, but where were the sarcastic remarks and barbed comments? This was not the Brian they were used to.
Jennifer insisted that she and Justin at least clear the dishes from the first course away and all agreed they needed a little rest before even thinking about embarking upon dessert!
Brian watched whilst Debbie and Michael joined Justin and Jennifer, all standing in a little group in the kitchen, totally unaware that Brian was taking such an interest in them – how relaxed they looked, these Mothers and their sons, all chatting and laughing together.
“Debbie, the Earth-Mother,” thought Brian. So totally accepting of her own son’s sexuality. More accepting sometimes than even Michael wished she was. She’d been the one who told Michael he was gay so as not to put him through the pain it would have meant for him to tell her himself.
Working shifts as a waitress at the Liberty Diner, Debbie got to know most of the gay kids in the area and they all came to her – “You got parent trouble honey?” - “Is that boyfriend of yours treating you right?” With her red hair, loud (and not always pretty) mouth, tee-shirts with rude slogans and covered with Gay Pride and “My gay son makes me so proud” buttons, she was there for all of them, with a kind word and sound advice and not there just for the kids either.
Even Jennifer: breeding, money and a queer son. Yes, she’d struggled at first, had even tried to keep him and Justin apart, but how many times had he told Justin how lucky he was to have her. She loved him and nothing he did would ever change that.
Having moved to the lounge area with Brian, Debbie’s brother Vic was trying to hold some sort of conversation with him and not succeeding very well. Brian could be such an asshole at times: Rude, selfish, self-absorbed and right now totally tuned-out.
Suddenly, Brian stood up and, grabbing his cigarettes and lighter from the coffee table, he headed out into the back garden.
Surprised by the sudden movement, Debbie asked: "What the hell’s eating him?"
Justin and Michael exchanged glances. Michael answered her question. "Brian's Mother just found out he's gay".
Justin added: "She told him he was going to Hell!"
Jennifer, clearly shocked by her son’s statement, asked: "My God, what sort of Mother says something like that to her own son?"
Debbie replied: "Joan Kinney, that's who. Though I'm surprised she was able to get outta the sherry bottle long enough to even remember she had a son".
Now understanding Brian’s detachment before, Vic came into the kitchen to join the group.
“His Father was no better”, Vic stated. “The only time Brian knew when he was around was when he used Brian as a punch bag".
Debbie chuckled, though with no humour that could be detected: "My God, if I had a dollar for every time Brian had bolted here when things got rough at home, I coulda retired to Florida years ago. The number of times he'd turn up here after dark with a bloody nose, split lip or bruised ribs. I'd clean him up, give him a meal - 'cos there was never any food at their place, only booze - and put him to bed".
Through the window, they could just make out Brian in the fading light, sitting on the garden table, smoking a cigarette.
"I never realised how abusive Brian's childhood was - didn't anyone contact the authorities?" asked Jennifer. She lightly brushed Justin’s cheek with her hand. How could any Mother allow her child to go through that? She knew she’d fight to the death for her son and Justin knew it too.
Debbie sighed: "What for - he'd only say he got his bruises whilst playing soccer or got into a fight at school. However bad things were at home, he didn't want to end up in care - who would - and whilst he knew he could always bale out and come here, he just put up with it".
Leaving the group in the kitchen, Debbie went out into the back garden. She’d seen Brian looking shitty plenty of times before, but he looked like he’d had the stuffing knocked right out of him.
Gently, so as not to startle him, she spoke quietly: "Hey kiddo. She'll come around Brian".
Brian looked at her: "They told you huh? What did they say?"
Debbie sat on a plastic garden chair and placed her hand on Brian’s knee. “They said Joannie made an unexpected visit. They're worried about you, they don't like to see you down like this".
The words were said quietly, but Debbie could hear the anger and hurt in his voice: "What the fuck do I care what she thinks in any case - she hasn't bothered with me all these years".
Debbie reached up and putting her hand under Brian’s chin, tilted his head to face her. "Brian, honey - if you really thought that you wouldn't be this upset now, would you? Give her time - you're still her son.”
She stood up and cocking her thumb in the direction of the house, commanded: “Now, come back inside and have some apple-pie, fresh baked this morning".
As Debbie turned to go back inside, Brian spoke: "Debbie, you know what I always thought?"
Debbie turned back to face him: "What's that honey?"
Now standing before her, with his hands buried deep in his pockets and hunched up against the chilled air the dusk had brought with it; Christ, she thought: he looks like he did when he was 14 years old and I caught him and Michael with that bottle of vodka. Brian said, "I always thought how great it would have been if I'd had a Mom like you - or even if you'd been my Mom".
Debbie couldn’t help feeling pleased, but surprised. Brian didn’t usually go in for sentimentality: "Well,” she answered, moving closer to him; “you seemed like another son to me that's for sure - all the time you spent here when you and Michael were growing up and all the scrapes you got in to together". Debbie couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory of all the times she chewed them out over something or other, but basically, they were good kids and she was quietly proud of both of them.
Placing her hand on his cheek, Debbie spoke quietly but in a tone that left Brian knowing how deeply she meant this statement: "You do know honey, don't you, that if you ever need a 'Mom', you can always come to me".
Seeing the tears start to form in Brian's eyes, Debbie pulled him towards her and the two hugged. After a few moments, Brian, embarrassed at this show of emotion, pulled away.
Brian stepped backwards: "I'm gonna duck out the back gate -"
One look from Debbie stopped him in his tracks: "Oh no you're not - you're going to come back inside and finish supper", she instructed.
Brian knew that look and tone of voice and that it was going to be real difficult for him to disappear before Debbie had satisfied herself that he was okay.
"I don't want the others to see me like this", Brian whispered.
Understanding how difficult this was for Brian, Debbie replied: "Sure, OK - I'll go back inside to the gang. You come back in a moment and slip up to the bathroom and freshen up - but you're coming back to finish eating - you hear me. Christ Brian, you're getting too skinny as it is - you can't afford to miss too many meals!"
Patting Brian’s face, Debbie smiled, turned and headed back into the house.
The group were still standing in the kitchen, anxious to know Brian was OK and eager to hear what had gone on between the two of them, but Debbie knew Brian would hate for them to be aware of how close he’d came to breaking down, that the façade was shakeable after all.
Debbie grabbed a tea towel: "Brian needs a moment to get himself together so get busy. Now, where were we at?”
The group went back to talking about this year's PFLAG BBQ and Debbie trying and just about succeeding to persuade Vic to brush up on his culinary skills and make that mouth-watering coconut cream pie that was once his speciality.
As quietly as possible, Brian quickly hurried past them and went upstairs to the bathroom. Justin made to go after him.
With a restraining, but gentle hand on his arm, Jennifer said: "Leave him honey, he needs to be on his own right now".
Justin, though desperate to comfort Brian, heard what his Mother said and let him go.
Debbie started to dish out the apple pie and a few minutes later, Brian came back to the group. After his chat with Debbie, Brian was visibly more relaxed and even joined in the light-hearted banter and they all finished supper without a word spoken about his disappearing before.
After dessert had been eaten and the dishes cleared away, Justin turned to Brian and whispered: "Do you want to go home yet?"
Brian replied: "Would you mind?"
Justin shook his head. They both asked to be excused, turning to Debbie to say how much they had enjoyed the evening. They kissed her, and Debbie swore Brian held on to her just that heartbeat longer than necessary. Justin kissed his Mother and they all made their goodbyes and Brian and Justin left for home, Brian promising to call Michael in the morning.
Justin would never know for sure what went on between Brian and Debbie, but whatever it was he was grateful for it. During the ride back to the loft, he and Brian were able to chat about Justin’s art class and “Yes Brian, I have done my homework,” promised Justin. "Cross my heart and hope to die” and he laughed; Brian actually laughed.
To be continued…