Boys of Summer Part 2 sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian woke up with the morning sun washing over his body. His arms were empty. The house was empty. Justin was gone. He could feel it like a part of his own body was missing. His eyes were sore, his sinuses aching from the tears he’d shed for hours after Justin had fallen asleep in his arms. He wanted to stay in bed forever, never leaving - fuck having to return to the Pitts. The thought of returning to his old life, to his friends, to his family, his job without being with the man he loved was almost more than he could bear. “Buck up Kinney” he thought “the kid has more guts than you. He left to resume his life.” It was then that he noticed his journal on the bed beside him. It was opened and turned over as if someone had been reading it, leaving suddenly, marking his spot by turning it open. “The little shit” he thought. He turned it over carefully. Justin had touched it. Right away he saw Justin had left something in it for him. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss August 31, 1999 Sorry about using your journal Brian, but I wanted you to see this and refer to it often. I didn’t snoop – well not much – I, Justin Craig Taylor want to propose a kind of ‘life’ deal with you. Read this all the way through. Please Brian. First of all you have to realize I could never promise not to love you. Because it’s too late I already do. Don’t give me the bullshit about my age – I’m not dumb – I know people and things change with time. I just don’t think how I feel about you will change. Maybe I’m right and you’re wrong – Hey Kinney, it could happen. Brian smiled at that. He read on. I am going back home and I’m going to resume my life, go to school and graduate. It’s what we both want so that’s the easy part. I will keep my promise to you and stay off Liberty Avenue until I’m out of high school. That’s another easy part because I don’t really want anyone else and if I see you there it would be too hard on me. I do have feelings you know. I will stay out of your life as much as I can. I have a summer full of wonderful memories that I can relive in my dreams during the next ten months. In return I would like you to meet me for the summer of 2000. Say at the end of June and we will spend your six week vacation together somewhere alone, just the two of us. If we still feel the same way about each other then we’ll do it for my first year at University and so on until I graduate. I’ll know then whether you still love me like a partner, a friend and a lover and if I feel the same way. I’ll live my life as a school boy, I’ll enjoy my years at the University and I’ll love you each summer. And you can live your life as the ‘stud’ of Liberty Ave just save six weeks each summer for ‘us’. Is it a deal Brian? Please. Justin (who has your ‘heart’ in his pocket at all times) Brian looked at the small picture of him giving Justin ‘his heart’ that day on the beach. He wiped a tear that had escaped from his eye. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “You do have my heart Sunshine” he thought. He turned the page and smiled. If you ever want to email me my addy is jtaylor2@hotmail.com and my cell number is 250-791-9234 – as long as I can’t actually touch you I should be able to make it until next summer. He should have known Justin would never give up easy. His heart was light as he prepared to vacate the small house. And lighter still when he discovered page after page of their summer recorded by the talented artist and left through out the rooms. He found Justin’s favorite sweatshirt in the middle of the small bed that had rarely been used by the blonde and he knew right away that Justin had wanted him to find it. He wasn’t surprised to find his black wife beater that he’d worn yesterday was missing. He knew that it was probably tucked carefully into the backpack of his love. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian was moving out of the booth at the diner. He was afraid he was going to be late. This was Justin’s first day back at St. James. “Brian, why can’t you drive me to work” Mikey whined. “There’s lots of time.” “No can do Mikey, I have an early meeting.” Brian was grinning to himself when he walked out the door tossing his car keys in the air, his step light with happiness. “What’s with Brian?” Emmett asked. ”He’s been unusually cheerful since he got back from his vacation.” “I don’t know. He won’t even tell my where he went or what he did. He just said it was a life altering experience what ever the fuck that meant.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Justin and Daphne piled out of his Mom’s car like two puppies. There were laughing at some joke they had shared about the first day back at school. Justin felt the back of his neck tingle. Brian was close he just knew it. His grin was full of happiness and his eyes sparkled. He didn’t know where Brian was, he just knew he was near. He jumped onto the cement steps at the front of the school raising himself above the rest and quickly with his right hand signed “your heart in my pocket” then jumped down. He and Daphne walked through the large double doors, quickly lost in the crowd, but not before he caught a glimpse of a black jeep speeding away. Brian had watched him on his first day back at school. The rest of the day passed in a blur, twice he’d been told by teachers to wipe the grin off his face. But it was impossible. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian walked into the office early. He’d almost beat Cynthia. She was making coffee when he found her in the lunch room. “Cynthia, you mentioned once that you knew some signing.” “Yes, my brother is deaf the whole family can sign. Why?” “Can you tell me what this means” Brian moved his hands in imitation of Justin. “Do it again” Cynthia realized right away what Brian was signing but it made no sense. “You are saying “your – heart – in – my – pocket” Cynthia looked puzzled especially when Brian broke into the biggest grin she’d ever seen. “Thanks Cynthia” he left the lunch room almost giddy with happiness. Justin had known he was there. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss To:jtaylor2@hotmail.com From: bakinney@ryder.com Subject: your back No matter what Sunshine – I’ll always be there watching your back – Keep my heart safe in your pocket Brian (counting down until June) Brian hit send, satisfied that he had let Justin know he’d always be there for him. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Brian, you haven’t been to Babylon since you got back from your vacation.” Mikey was whining again. “We just wanted you to come out for one drink. There have been some pretty hot tricks there lately” Brian grabbed a beer. He twisted off the cap, walked over to his chaise and settled down in it. He picked up the TV remote and began to scan through the channels. He stopped suddenly; “Yellow Submarine” was showing. “Geeze Brian, what kind of shit are you watching?” Michael complained. He slumped down on the Italian sofa. Brian ignored him. He turned the volume up drowning out the irritating drone of his friend. The phone rang, it was Mel’s cell phone. “What’s up?” he asked “No shit. I’ll be right there.” Before Michael could ask any questions Brian hit a speed dial number. “Hey” his voice softened. “It’s happening tonight” he had a goofy smile on his face. “I’ll call you and let you know. Later.” He flipped the phone shut. “Come Mikey, Lindsay’s having the baby.” He grabbed his jacket and keys waiting impatiently for Michael to move to the door. “Who did you call?” Michael asked. Once again Brian ignored him. He raced down the stairs from the loft two at a time. His baby was being born and “Justin’s ‘I love you Brian’ repeating in his brain. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian stood there mesmerized by the scrap of humanity he held in his arms. He was surrounded by Michael and at least a dozen lesbians. “Brian, Melanie wants to name him Abraham after her grandfather, but I was thinking Gus.” She looked at Brian and smiled. Brian tucked the baby into the crook of his arm. He took out his cell and to everyone’s amazement he hit a speed dial number and “Hey, it’s a boy. They want to know Abraham or Gus” he listened for a minute and grinned. “Thanks. Later” he flipped the phone shut. “I have it on good authority that he wouldn’t last a day at school as Abraham, but that Gus is good.” He looked at the baby, his little hand reached up to touch his father’s face. “Gus, it’s a good butch name.” “What the fuck was that all about?” Melanie asked. She was pissed that her son was now named Gus because of some mystery person in Brian’s life. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian was at Lindsay’s holding Gus when he noticed some sketches on the coffee table that looked very familiar. “Hey Linds, who did the art work?” he asked. “Oh, I met a young student in the park the other day when I was walking Gus, he was sketching and we got to talking.” She held up one of the sketches. “He’s very good. This one looks a lot like you” she handed him a sketch of him sleeping, his cock at rest. He remembered that day immediately. “Why do you have them?” “I’m going to put them in the art show at the GLC. I think he might even sell one and it’s for a good cause.” She looked at the sketches again. It’s funny, he’s a very out young man, yet he won’t go to the Center. He said he’d promised someone that he’d wait until after he graduates before he goes to Liberty Avenue. I told him it wasn’t like he’d be in one of the clubs. But he said “a promise is a promise and he wasn’t about to ‘split hairs’.” “Is this show important enough that he should be there?” Brian asked Lindsay looked wistful. “I’ll never forget the first time my work was put in a show. I was so proud. I wanted everyone I know to be there and see it.” She shook her head as if to clear it of the memories. “That’s why I couldn’t understand Justin. Did I tell you his name is Justin? That’s why I couldn’t understand Justin’s refusal to even go there to make sure his work was hung the way he would want it displayed.” “He told me maybe next year and then he smiled the most amazing smile.” She looked at Brian holding Gus. “He was fascinated by Gus once I introduced the two of them. I swear he even got teary eyed when he held him. He gave me his number. I might use him to baby-sit. He did offer and I know his parents. He comes from a good family.” “He sounds like he would be responsible with Gus and you did say he liked him.” “It was so cute Brian seeing him holding Gus. I could tell he bonded with him right away.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss To: jtaylor2@hotmail.com From: bakinney@ryder.com Subject: promises and compromise Two places on Liberty Avenue that could be considered ‘safe’. The first one is the GLC where I understand there is to be an art show soon. The second one is the Liberty Diner. I want this year to be fun for you and both of these places will offer you lots of opportunities and help to make the next few months pass quickly. Isn’t Gus amazing? Brian (missing the keeper of his heart) sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Hey Linds, Mel, great to see you guys out and about. Where’s my son?” Brian was sitting in his usual booth with Michael, Ted and Emmett. “We left him in the car” Mel snerked to Brian. She started to laugh at his immediate outrage. “Oh for fuck sake of course we didn’t. We have a wonderful babysitter. He’s going to be watching Gus every Saturday afternoon while we have some ‘alone’ time.” “Yes Brian, I think I mentioned Justin to you. He’s very good with Gus and it’s only for a couple of hours on a Saturday.” Lindsay relaxed when she saw the smile on Brian’s face. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian had just arranged to buy the picture of him sleeping. He was standing behind a room divider preparing to leave when he saw Justin come into the Center with a small blonde woman. Must be his mother he thought and a young dark girl who was holding onto his arm and talking a mile a minute. The best friend Daphne he guessed. Seeing Justin so close and not being able to hold him was actually physically painful, yet he couldn’t leave. He watched then almost laughed out loud when Justin, still talking to his mother and Daphne as he showed them his work on the walls, signed ‘your – heart – in – my – pocket’ without missing a word of what he was saying to the two of them. He walked out the back entrance to the Center, his heart light and his smile wide. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Justin sat in his room and carefully unwrapped the small parcel that had been delivered to his house the day before Christmas. It was early Christmas morning and he couldn’t wait any longer. There was no gift tag but he knew it was from Brian. Nestled inside was a small jade sculpture of a whale breeching. A brass plaque on the base of the sculpture said ‘first kiss’. Justin’s face broke out in a smile as he wiped away tears. A card was in the bottom of the box. In Brian’s handwriting, “I remember the feel of your lips. I can still hear your sigh. My legs still go weak when I think of our first ‘real’ kiss.” Tears flowing silently down his cheeks, Justin opened his summer sketch book and found the sketch he’d made of that day when they had watched the whales and shared that first ‘real’ kiss. He tucked the small card in with the sketch and quickly closed the pages. The pain of remembering was sharp. He indulged himself in a few minutes of hard crying before wiping his eyes and washing his face. He’d blame his red eyes on his allergies. He missed Brian so much it hurt. He had not realized that the deal he’d made would be so hard. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian sat alone in the loft watching the weak winter sun slowly light the sky. He’d been sitting in that same spot since midnight. On his lap was a brightly wrapped gift, the only one visible that Christmas morning. He’d spent the night looking at the pictures Justin had left him of their summer together. He watched the love grow in each scene remembering and reliving them all. The past four months had been hard; knowing the man he loved was so close yet so far away. Every opportunity he got, he watched over Justin making sure he was safe and happy. Justin babysitting Gus helped. He would chat about his school week to Lindsay and she in turn would chat about Justin and his week to Brian not realizing how important it was for him to hear every word. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss The present had been propped up against his door when he’d arrived home yesterday with a note from the building superintendant saying it had been delivered just after Brian had left for work. He opened the wrapping carefully, not wanting to tear the paper. Slowly a painting of him holding Gus emerged along with a wallet sized school picture of Justin. On the back of Justin’s picture he’d written the date and Brian smiled remembering his own school pictures. He carefully tucked the picture into his wallet. Then he held up the painting of him and Gus. He recognized the pose. It was from a picture Mikey had taken the night Gus had been born. Lindsay had a copy of it in a frame. That must have been where Justin had seen it. Lindsay was right, Justin was talented. He looked around the loft for the perfect spot to hang the painting then remembered a brass easel he’d bought last year and never used. It was perfect for the small picture. He placed the easel on the display cabinets then added Justin’s painting. Perfect. He sat back on the chaise and looked around it was only then that he noticed his face was wet with tears. Fuck he missed Justin. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “You coming to Woody’s tonight Brian?” Ted asked. The four of them were sitting in their usual booth at the diner. “He hates going there on Valentine’s day Ted, you know that. All the ‘couples’ drive him crazy.” Michael answered for Brian. “Yea, what he said” Brian smirked. “I’m working tonight until late. I have an early morning conference with some clients to prepare for.” “Well, will you look at that little hottie that just walked in” Emmett strained his neck trying for a better look. Brian didn’t turn. He knew who had just walked into the diner. He sat still pretending interest in his coffee. “My goodness, Sunshine, I haven’t seen you for a long time. Since the show at the GLC” Debbie gushed. “And Daphne, you two sit down I’ll bring you a milkshake. You still like chocolate Sunshine?” Brian couldn’t hear Justin’s reply. He smiled to himself; Justin loved chocolate. He remembered chocolate sauce trailing down his belly closely followed by a hot tongue. His cock hardened and he had to wiggle in his seat to make himself more comfortable. He continued to drink his coffee. Deb came over to refill their cups. “Sunshine Ma?” Michael enquired. “You’re adopting them younger all the time.” “It’s his smile, it lights up the room. I met the two of them with Justin’s mother at the GLC in the fall. You remember he’s the one who did that nude that looked so much like Brian.” She looked over at Justin and Daphne “Sunshine you and Daphne come on over here and meet my boys.” She called. “Ma,” Michael protested. Debbie smacked him upside his head. Brian and the rest snickered. Justin and Daphne walked over. Justin had known Brian was in the diner the minute he had walked in. He would have turned and left right away but Daphne had insisted. His face was flushed. “Boys this is Justin and Daphne.” She indicated the two standing by the table. “This is – she started to say when Justin interrupted her. “Let me guess Deb, test my psychic abilities. He grinned his sunshine smile his eyes dancing. He pointed at Emmett. “You’re Emmett the fashion guru of Liberty Avenue.” Emmett looked pleased. “You must be Ted, the hot accountant” Ted smiled at him. “And you have to be Michael, Debbie’s son.” Michael looked at him suspiciously. Justin looked into Brian’s eyes. His hands flashed the “your – heart – in – my – pocket” signs. “You are Brian Kinney, stud of Liberty Avenue.” He grinned. No one other than Daphne and Brian had noticed Justin’s signing. The other’s were too busy looking at Brian as he actually blushed. They all laughed at Justin’s words. “Hey Brian, he’s only been in the diner five minutes and already he’s heard the word.” Ted teased. “Just joking guys, Deb talks about all of you and Mom and I spent a lot of time with her in the fall at the Center.” He used all his willpower to tear his eyes away from Brian. “Daphne wanted to come in here and see the place.” He smiled at them all again and led Daphne back to the counter. The two of them drank their milkshakes and visited with Deb. Justin was conscious of Brian’s eyes on him every second he stayed there. Brian could feel the padded delivery envelope in the breast pocket of his leather jacket. Having Justin close was too good of an opportunity to pass up. He moved out of the booth and headed to the restroom at the back of the diner. When the door shut behind him he pulled out his phone and hit number one. “Hey Sunshine, fuck I miss touching you. I have something for you; I’m putting it in the waste basket in the restroom for you to pick up.” He paused “you do? Look can you create some kind of diversion when we leave. Maybe you can slip it in my pocket.” He smiled “later”. Brian returned to the booth. “Time to go boys, I feel the urge to beat you at pool this afternoon.” Justin had felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket. He knew it was Brian. He looked at Deb and Daphne “I have to take this” he said apologetically. “Hey” he blushed as he listened. “Ok, I have something too.” He smiled “Of course, later” and hung up the phone. His face still red. Deb looked at Daphnem “Sunshine must have a boyfriend.” She stated. “Yea, an invisible one” Daphne grumbled. Brian and the boys were moving behind the two at the counter. Justin stood up suddenly, his hand hitting his almost empty glass spilling the milkshake across the counter. “Hey” Daphne said jumping back. Justin turned, brushing up against Brian; his hand slipped something in the pocket of the leather jacket all in a move so smooth you would think it was rehearsed. “I’ll get some paper towels” he said and moved toward the restroom. “Sunshine, I have it covered” Debbie called. Michael looked at Brian “Ah those clumsy teen years, I remember them well.” Brian just smiled back at him his hand in his pocket keeping the stiff envelope safe. Justin stopped just before he disappeared into the small room. He looked back and grinned, Brian had signed “You – have – my – heart”. He continued to smile as he shut the door behind him. He looked into the waste basket and under a couple of paper towels was a small padded shipping envelope. He ripped it open to find a silver framed picture of Brian with a small card. “You all ready have my heart.” His finger traced the familiar cheek. He could almost feel the warm skin; smell the citrus cologne Brian wore. He wiped away a tear and carefully replaced the picture in the padded envelope and put it in his pocket. The small card he tucked in his wallet. Debbie cleaned up the spill while she chatted to Daphne. She wasn’t sure but she thought there had been some kind of knowing interchange between Brian and Sunshine. Brian was a bit of a bastard, she didn’t want this young one to get hurt by him. There was time enough for hurts as he got older. She smiled at Justin when he walked back to the counter. “How do you know Brian, Sunshine?” she asked Justin flushed “Everyone’s heard of Brian Kinney in the gay community” he stammered. “Besides I sometime baby-sit Gus for Linds and Mel. They talk about him a lot.” “I’m sure they do. Well you stay away from him. He’s bad news when it comes to breaking hearts.” She sighed “I sometimes wonder if he’ll ever let anyone close enough to him to find love.” Justin didn’t answer. He knew Brian better than any of them. That knowledge was what helped to sustain him these last five and half months. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian couldn’t concentrate on his pool game and finally with considerable razzing he forfeited the game. His jacket hung on the back of his chair. The white envelope peeking out of his jacket pocket had him mesmerized. His were drawn to it as if it were magnetized. “I’m going home guys. Thanks for the game.” He shrugged his jacket on careful not to disturb the envelope in the pocket. He waved as he went out the door and all but ran to where he’d parked the jeep. He wanted to wait until he was home and alone before he opened the card but couldn’t and he pulled over only two blocks from Woodies. His hands trembled. He’d never before received a Valentine card. All the words he always spouted about the day were really to cover up the fact that even in grade school he’d never received a card. He looked at the white envelope. Justin had remembered him talking about Valentines Day. He’d only snuggled closer when Brian had told him about this disappointment in his life and how he had compensated over the years. He pulled out the small knife he carried and carefully slit the envelope. Inside he found a folded piece of hand made paper colored a deep burgundy. Printed on another piece of paper, this time white, was a picture of the ocean glass heart. This small white square had been mounted in the center of the first page. He carefully opened it. In gold script were the words. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss I have your heart in my pocket Will you be my Valentine? I’ll be yours. J. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss His first Valentine and it was made by the man he loved. He turned the jeep around and drove to a small shop he’d noticed earlier in the week. He went in and carefully selected a leather bound box with shiny brass corners, and it came complete with a well engineered lock. The foot square box was embossed a Celtic love knot in the rich leather. He paid for it and carried it to the Jeep. Before he drove home he unlocked the box and placed the Valentine card in it. One key he tucked into his wallet. The other he added to his key ring. Finally satisfied he drove home, one hand resting comfortably on the box in the seat beside him. When he reached the loft he cleared a spot near his painting that Justin had done for him at Christmas. The box sat proudly beside the painting. He moved the chaise so that he could sit in the evening and relax while watching over his ‘treasures’. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Brian, why do we have to go eat here?” Michael whined. “Shit Mikey, aren’t you ever happy. You’ve been bugging me for weeks to go out to dinner, so we’re going.” Brian had overheard Marty Ryder talking to his sister Jennifer Taylor about them all celebrating Justin’s eighteenth birthday at this out of the way French restaurant. He wanted to see him even if it was across the room. His hand went to the small package he had in his pocket. Hopefully he’d be able to slip this to Justin while there were there. “Brian, you know I don’t like this kind of food.” “You and Dr. Dave are going to France. You planning on eating at McDonalds the whole time you’re there?” he looked over at his sulking friend. “Think of this as a rehearsal for France.” Brian walked into the restaurant, his eyes finding the blonde head immediately. Justin’s head snapped up his gaze burning into Brian’s. His hand automatically signed “your – heart – in – my – pocket” Only Molly had noticed the exchange of looks. She had also read what Justin had said. She smiled, Justin had a secret and now so did she. Justin tried to concentrate on what was being said at the table. Brian was doing his best to listen to Michael prattle on. Brian and Michael’s attention was taken by the waiter bringing in a small birthday cake complete with sparklers. He put it down in front of Justin while everyone sang Happy Birthday. Justin’s face was red but he managed to blow out the few candles after he handed Molly the sparklers to wave around. “Hey isn’t that the kid who was talking to mom?” Michael asked. “Could be, lots of kids talk to your mother.” Brian feigned disinterest. Michael’s appetizer that he’d ordered was delivered, rather than watch Michael eat, Brian got up and excused himself. He walked to the restrooms at the rear of the restaurant. He had barely shut the door when it burst open and a blonde bombshell was in his arms his lips devouring Brian’s with a breathless passion. Finally the two of them were able to break apart. “Brian, I wished I could kiss you when I blew out the candles. This was the fastest return on a birthday wish I’ve ever had.” Brian held him close, tears barely held back. “Damn Sunshine how did I ever think we could actually end things last August?” “We couldn’t, but this is hard Brian. I’m trying to enjoy my senior year but it would be a lot more fun with you in my life.” “It’s almost over Justin. You enjoy yourself. Are you taking Daphne to the Prom?” “Probably, she’s been hinting like crazy.” He looked up at Brian. “I’d really rather go with you.” “Like that would ever happen.” Brian laughed and brushed his lips over the full red lips of his lover. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. “Happy Birthday Sunshine.” Justin opened it to find a leather and shell bracelet. “They look like the shells we found on the beach this summer.” He held out his wrist for Brian to fasten the bracelet on. “Thanks Brian, I’m glad you at least ‘do’ my birthday.” He slipped the empty box into his pocket. “I’d better go before I’m missed.” He reached up kissing Brian once again, his eyes sad. “I love you Brian.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small piece of ocean glass. “I still have your heart.” He sighed as he opened the door. “Later” Brian went into a cubicle and shut the door. He leaned his forehead against the cold metal and tried to compose himself. Tasting Justin’s lips had brought all the feelings he was holding back to the surface again. He hoped he was doing the right thing. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian unlocked the chest and removed his journal. He opened it to write in for the first time since August. Oh he’d opened it often in the past six months to relive the time his very life was returned to him but he had never felt compelled to add to it until tonight. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Journal March 2000 I saw him tonight. I’ve seen him before, his blue eyes shining with laughter and at the same time regret. But tonight for a brief moment he was in my arms, his lips on mine. Everything I had ever felt for him boiled to the surface and for the thousandth time I wished I was not the adult, strong and resolute. But I would rather be the child, so I could give in to my feelings and cry and rage against the unjustness of it all. Common sense tells me I’m doing the right thing. But at times like this my common sense deserts me and I want to say FUCK IT and drag him away with me. I want to lock the two of us in the loft and hold him forever. Instead I put on my Brian Kinney mask. The one everyone but Justin knows and retreat to my loft like some love sick dyke. He tells me he wants me at his Prom. Ironically it’s on my birthday and what I wouldn’t give to see him all dressed up in a tuxedo. We would dance the night away. It would be ridiculously romantic. Of course something like that isn’t going to happen in Pittsburgh. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Lindsay, will you help me put together a portfolio to send to Concordia University in Montreal?” Justin held Gus while he asked Lindsay for this favor. He kissed the downy hair that was usually covered in a stupid cap. “But why Concordia, PIFA is a very good school Justin and it’s close to home.” “It’s kind of personal Lindsay, but even more important is Concordia is amazing. The have usually more than one hundred apply but only seats for eighteen. The teachers are from all over the world. I’d learn another language and meet new people.” He handed her the list of what was required for his portfolio. “Wow Justin, this is some list.” Lindsay was impressed by the thoroughness of the long list of items required. She looked at the young man sitting beside her. It was obviously important to him to leave Pittsburgh. “I’ll help you, but we don’t have much time.” “Academically I qualify, but I can go anywhere for that. I want to go to this school.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Daphne, I told you before, many times, I’m gay. I look at you and see a friend who happens to be a girl. Ho Hum. I look at a hot guy and yabba dabba do.” Justin was trying to reason with his best friend who was determined to have Justin as her first lover. “You mean you couldn’t get it hard and do it?” Daphne asked. “I could get it hard making a peanut butter sandwich Daphne, I’m eighteen.” “So get it hard, stick it in, what could be more simple?” “I’ll make a deal with you. I want to surprise Brian on his birthday. It’s our Prom night. If you help me do that then I’ll do the dirty deed for you.” “You make it sound so romantic.” Daphne bitched. “If you want romance find one of the hetro guys. With me you’re going to get the basics. I might have to have that book with me that we used in Sex Ed.” He teased. “You know the one ‘put part A into slot B, shake it around --- he dissolved in laughter as she started to hit him with her book.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss To: bakinney@ryder.com From: jtaylor2@hotmail.com Subject: surprises Please, please, please, meet me at the Tatton Ballroom at two in the morning on Saturday. Dress is formal. (I bet you look hot) I won’t keep you long, you’ll still get your beauty sleep. Justin (sitting here with his fingers crossed while holding your heart) sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Journal March 2000 I admit when I received Justin’s email I was puzzled and surprised. He rarely emails me, keeping to his part of the bargain religiously. But my common sense must have been sleeping and I thought why not. So Saturday night I found myself dressing up and presenting myself at the door of the Tatton Ballroom. It was a bit eerie, the hotel was shutting down for the night. I opened the door and stepped into a room decorated in balloons. It was Justin’s Prom, though the prom was over. I had wondered if I would hear from him on my birthday and I guess I did. Suddenly the lights dimmed and the spots were turned on. Music began to play he walked out onto the dance floor in his tuxedo, his hair slicked back and his face bright with one of his amazing smiles. He walked over to me and placed a white silk scarf around my neck then led me to the dance floor where the hours of ballroom dancing lessons that I’d had to endure with Lindsay were put to good use. I know I’ll never forget the words to the song that he played. ‘Save the Last Dance for Me’ by the Drifters. To make doubly sure I went out and bought the CD today. When the dance was over he led me out of the ballroom. He waved to Daphne who had obviously been in on this with him and she waved back then scooted out the door and down to the parking garage. Justin led me by the hand into an elevator. Each time I went to say anything he would stop my words with a kiss. We got off on the sixth floor and he went straight to a room. He unlocked the door and when we stepped inside he was like a blonde tornado. In no time at all he had my clothes off and me on the bed where he proceeded to show me what a good little student he’d been in his summer classes of homosexual love 101. It was most definitely the best birthday I had ever had. I completely forgot it was my thirtieth. I’m not sure what part I like the most but I do know falling asleep with Justin wrapped in my arms ranks right up there. When I woke up this morning he was gone. My clothes were neatly folded on a chair, the white scarf on top. His note was kind of cute. I’ll put it and the scarf in my locked box. Brian, Happy Birthday to you, the scarf reminds me of the silky feel of your hair. I love you. Justin (who not only holds your heart but who got his ‘own’ birthday wish last night) sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss For reasons known only to St. James, they decided to play up my acceptance to Concordia with an article in the local paper. I hadn’t told anyone about my application other than Lindsay but I wasn’t surprised when. “Oh my God, Oh my God” Daphne squealed over the phone. “Now that I’m permanently deaf, what’s the problem.” Justin said his voice calm. He’d dealt with Daphne’s hysterics before. “It’s in the paper, with your school picture and everything.” “What is?” but he knew. He’d had to talk to the reporter. He didn’t know how to say anything to anyone about his achievement and he was afraid to jinx it if he talked. But it was official now. “In the Arts section, there’s a whole write up about you. They say “Justin Taylor’s talent will take him far in the art world.” Justin could picture her bouncing up and down on her bed while she talked to him. “It’s no big deal Daphne. I’m going to a University just like you and all the other kids in our class.” “But it’s the best Justin, in Montreal. Will you have to speak French?” “I will have to learn French. I’m going to spend the summer there learning the language and finding a nice apartment. The school is in the old section of Montreal in the downtown.” “I saw that in the paper. It says you will be leaving June thirtieth.” She paused for breath. “Did you really get picked from more than one hundred others? Isn’t that completely awesome?” Justin felt shy all of a sudden. “Yeah it’s kind of special.” He sighed, “I’ll be gone for two years though with only short visits maybe at Christmas or spring break.” “That part sucks.” Daphne sounded gloomy. “I think I’m going to hate growing up. It means we’ll drift apart I just know it.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “So I’m spending my vacation in Montreal am I?” Brian grinned into the telephone. “How much French are you going to learn from the bedroom?” “I have it on good authority that there are lots of things the French do in the bedroom.” Justin chuckled, his voice suggestive. “We can learn them together and you know what they say – practice, practice, practice.” “I’m going to book us someplace special. I’ll make sure it’s close to Concordia. And I’ll make sure it has a king size bed.” “I wish I could see you before we go.” “You’ll see me Sunshine.” “I mean touch you and hold you.” “It’s almost summer and you made the rules.” “I know, but aren’t rules meant to be broken?” “They have been on occasion if I remember correctly.” “I love you, I miss you, I love you. Did I mention that I love you?” “Go to sleep brat” Brian paused “I love you too” he whispered. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss The banquet hall was full to capacity. The chandeliers gleamed and sparkled. Everyone stood and clapped at the Ryder Agency table when Brian Kinney’s name was announced as this year’s recipient of the prestigious award for the best advertising campaign. He stood up to walk to the podium to accept the award. It meant a great deal to receive it for the second time. The only thing missing was Justin. It was times like this when he wished his partner could be at his side. A tingle that quickly spread through his body made him look toward a partially opened door at the side of the large room. Justin stood there beaming, his pride in Brian’s accomplishment evident. He signed “your – heart - in – my – pocket” then mouthed “I love you” When Brian held the award in his hand; his face was uncharacteristically full of joy. The award meant a thousand times more than had only a few minutes before. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Justin I don’t understand why you won’t let us book you into a nice hotel at least for a few days.” Justin’s mother was becoming exasperated. “I told you Mom that I can stay at the dorms if I don’t find any place. The Jazz Festival starts the day after I arrive and I don’t want you spending inflated room prices just for my convenience.” “But I’ll worry about you.” “I’m eighteen Mom, I can cope.” Justin kissed her cheek. “I promise if I don’t find anything within two hours, I’ll head to the dorms. Either way I’ll call you.” This argument had been going on for days. Justin would relax and she’d start again. Graduation would be next week and then he was headed for Brian and oh yes for Montreal. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Brian, I took my vacation the first two weeks of July so we could be together and hang out. You’ve hardly had any time to spend, just you and I together since last summer.” Michael was getting impatient with Brian. He just didn’t understand why Brian rarely went to Babylon and only occasionally went to Woody’s and then he didn’t stay long. “Mikey, I’ve explained to you. My vacation last summer taught me that I need to get completely away from everything and everyone here in the Pitts. I’m taking this six weeks and relaxing.” “At least tell me where you’re going. I could call you.” “Not going to happen Mikey. If there’s any kind of emergency with Gus or the Agency, Cynthia knows where I’ll be.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Brian, there’s a Mrs. Taylor on line one for you.” Cynthia said. Mrs. Taylor? Justin’s mother? “Put it through Cynthia.” Brian was mystified why Jennifer Taylor would call him. “Brian Kinney here, how can I help you?” Jennifer thought, ‘my, what a nice sounding voice’ “Mr. Kinney, I’m Jennifer Taylor, Marty’s sister. My brother mentioned that you were traveling to Montreal to attend the Jazz Festival. I would like to ask you a big favor if I could.” “A favor?” Brian was now completely puzzled. “I don’t mean to impose, but I’m so worried. My son Justin is also traveling to Montreal, he’ll be attending Concordia University in the fall and he’s actually going to spend the summer there learning the French language.” ‘among other French things’ Brian thought. “That’s very interesting Mrs. Taylor, but how can I help you?” “I just thought, hoped really, well Marty said you were one of the best young men he’d ever had working in the Agency. He said you were very responsible. I was,” she hesitated hating to ask a favor from a stranger. “Could I have Justin travel on the same plane as you and maybe could you talk him into staying at a hotel at least for a few days until he gets to know the area before settling into any kind of apartment.” “I could do that Mrs. Taylor. I’ll be spending some time in Montreal myself beyond the Jazz Festival; I could help him find an apartment. Make sure it’s in a safe area.” “That would be wonderful Mr. Kinney, I would feel so much better knowing Justin had someone looking out for his welfare, someone from home. I’ll let him know tonight when he gets back from school. Perhaps you could come to dinner Friday and meet the family. It won’t seem so odd if you already know one another.” Brian didn’t know what to think, dinner with Sunshine at his family’s home? How completely bizarre was that? “Call me Brian, Mrs. Taylor, I’d love to come and meet the family. Cynthia my assistant will let you know my travel schedule so you can make sure Justin’s matches.” “Thank you so much, Brian and it,s Jennifer.” She sounded almost flirty. Brian smiled; he recognized that tone of voice. Someone he loved used it on him all the time. “Friday then Jennifer, let me transfer you back to Cynthia now.” Brian couldn’t stop grinning when he got off the phone. He debated calling Justin and giving him the head’s up but thought it might be more fun to let Justin’s mother surprise him. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “Justin dear, I have cookies in here for you and Daphne.” Jennifer wanted to lead up to her meddling gently. With teenagers you were never sure how they would react. Justin and Daphne walked into the bright kitchen. “What’s up Mom, you never let us eat cookies so close to supper.” “I’ll get right to the point then.” She sighed gearing herself up for an argument. “You know how worried I’ve been about your trip to Montreal? Well, I’ve arranged for someone to travel with you, maybe help you get on your feet once you arrive.” “Mooooommmm” Justin was outraged. “He’s a very nice man dear. He works for your Uncle Marty and his name is Brian Kinney. Marty says he’s quite responsible. He’s a young man, and will be able to understand your needs better then your father or I.” Justin’s face had split into a smile. He quickly changed his expression when Daphne kicked him under the table; luckily his Mother had turned to get the milk from the refrigerator. “This guy is going on the same plane as me?” Justin asked. “Yes, I made the travel arrangements this afternoon.” Justin went over and kissed his mother’s cheek. “Thanks Mom, I know I’ll be fine now with someone to help me.” Daphne rolled her eyes but Jennifer beamed. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss “How come you’re setting the table in the dining room?” Justin asked his mother as she bustled around. “We’re having company dear. Brian Kinney is coming to dinner so that we can all meet him before your trip.” “Really” Justin thought to himself ‘that shit never warned me about this’ “Yes, I thought we should meet him. Let him become part of the family group then it wouldn’t be so strange to have you under his wing while he’s in Montreal.” ‘I’ll be under more than his wing’ Justin thought. “Cool, I’d like to meet him first. You never know he could be some kind of old pervert.” “Justin Taylor, Brian Kinney is a very nice young man. I would never send you off with someone I hadn’t thoroughly checked out.” “You checked him out?” “Of course I did. He comes from Pittsburgh. His mother lives alone, his father recently died. He has a sister named Claire and two nephews. --- her voice trailed on. Justin was lost in his thoughts remembering when Brian’s dad had died. For more than a week Brian called him every night. They had talked for hours while he worked out his feelings for his father and his father’s death. He had needed Justin’s voice to keep him grounded. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Justin was a nervous wreck by the time seven o’clock rolled around. He’d changed his clothes a dozen times. Interfered with his mother’s table setting and then with the dinner that was being cooked so often that he’d been banished to his room to wait. He stood at his window waiting to see the black Jeep pull up. When it finally did he watched Brian slide out, elegant in charcoal Armani. He pulled out a large bouquet of mixed flowers then walked up the long walkway to the front door. His eyes went up to Justin’s window and they both grinned at each other both of them enjoying the charade. Justin stood at the top of the stairs to watch Brian be admitted to his home. His mother answered the door and Brian handed her the flowers and kissed her cheek. Justin almost laughed out loud when he saw her flush with pleasure. Brian had that kind of effect on everyone, male or female. He bounced down the steps in his two step at a time familiar bounce and like the first time, he stumbled on the last step and landed in Brian’s arms. “Justin” his mother said outraged. Brian held him close for a moment then reluctantly parted from him. “You must be the Justin I’ve heard so much about.” He said with a smirk. Justin beamed at Brian. “Hey thanks for catching me” “I’ll always catch you when you stumble Sunshine” Brian whispered as they followed Justin’s mother into the living room. The dinner went well. Brian charmed both of the Taylor parents as well as the youngest Taylor. Justin remained almost silent throughout the meal just happy that Brian was there. When dinner was over Jennifer suggested they go into the living room for coffee but first. “Justin, why don’t you take Brian up to your room and show him some of you art work dear while your father and I clear the table and make the coffee.” Justin couldn’t believe his luck. “Sure Brian, want to see my artwork?” Brian smiled his agreement and followed Justin up the stairs in the elegant but comfortable home. Justin had been pretty lucky growing up in a home like this he thought to himself. They were barely in the door when Brian pulled Justin tight to his chest and kissed the sweet lips until they became swollen with passion. They broke apart breathless with the need for one another. Justin pulled Brian down on his bed and they sat there side by side when the door opened. It was Molly. “I saw you at Justin’s birthday.” She announced. “You did?” the two of them said together. “Yep, Justin signed to you.” “Can you sign too?” Brian asked. “Sure, we all learned it because of Sandi, my friend. She can’t hear and that’s how she talks.” “That was very nice of you to learn to sign for your friend.” “How else could I talk to her?” Molly reasoned. “And how else could Justin yell at us when we snoop in his room.” Brian laughed at that. “It would be very quiet yelling.” Molly giggled. “First you sign that you’re yelling, that makes it louder.” “I’ll remember that.” “Are you Justin’s secret boyfriend?” “Molly!” Justin was shocked. “Justin, it’s ok with me if you have a secret boyfriend, I know about some guys being gay.” Molly was matter of fact. “I listen to you and Daphne all the time” She looked at her brother and then at Brian, “I won’t tell. I didn’t tell when Daphne wanted you to have sex with her.” “Geez Justin, tell me you didn’t” Brian looked at his lover who was blushing deep red. “He did” Molly said. “I’m never going to have sex with a gay guy. I’m going to find someone who knows what they’re doing when it’s my turn.” “Probably a good idea Molly.” Brian said his voice was amused. He’d have to ask Justin about this later. Justin couldn’t believe what was coming out of his sister’s mouth. “Molly” he began. His door opened again and his father’s head peeked in. “There you all are, coffee’s ready.” sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian walked from his Jeep into the large crowd of people in the lobby of the conference center. Just as he was thinking he’d never find the Taylors, a warm hand pushed into his. He looked down into laughing blue eyes. “Hi Molly, thought I’d never find you.” “Mom and Dad are over here Brian. Justin’s hiding in back with his class” “Hiding?” Brian laughed “Sort of, he said he looked geeky in the gown” Molly was leading him over to the double doors where Craig and Jennifer Taylor stood. “I’m glad you could make it Brian. You and Justin seemed to get along so wonderful the other night I thought you might like to watch him graduate. We’re having a celebration dinner later at the Club and you’re invited too. I want the two of you to be good friends by the time he flies away from me on Saturday.” Brian laughed. “I’m sure we’ll be good friends Jennifer, you really don’t have to worry.” The loudspeakers overhead told everyone to take their seats. Craig, Jennifer, Molly and Brian walked into the large hall and managed to find four seats near the center front. Like all functions of this kind, it was excruciatingly long and boring for everyone except the family of the one receiving the diploma at the time. Brian watched the proceedings with interest. The only one in his family that attended his own high school graduation was Debbie. He could see families and friends all around him smiling in anticipation and realized that he was doing the same. His eyes were glued to the blonde as he walked across the stage to receive his diploma. He was surprised to find them tearing up. Justin looked out in the crowd hoping to catch a glimpse of his family. His whole face lit up when he spotted Brian’s tall form sitting beside Molly. He was sure he must have floated off the stage and down the aisle to sit with the rest of his class. After the ceremony he joined the others still beaming. Brian took pictures of the family with Justin. He was pleasantly surprised when Jennifer stopped another parent and asked that they take a picture including Brian in the group. Molly snapped one with just Brian and Justin in it standing side by side. Brian planned on adding that one to his memory box. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Brian found himself in what he liked to think of as some kind of alternate reality when he put his suitcases into the trunk of Jennifer Taylor’s Volvo Saturday morning. She had insisted on driving the two of them to the airport to see them off. Molly was in the front chattering away and he and Justin were sitting side by side in the back seat of his mother’s car. He could feel the heat radiating off Justin’s leg so close to his. He looked at the blonde and the two of them shared a grin. His jacket was on the seat between them, his hand underneath it. He felt a soft hand slip into his and their fingers laced together. After that the long drive to the airport became much more pleasant. He leaned back in the seat and listened to Molly’s unstopping commentary, content now that his lover’s hand was in his. Jennifer parked the car and they all walked together to the departure sign in area. Both Molly and Jennifer were subdued with the thoughts of Justin being gone so long. Brian and Justin were both trying to contain their excitement that they were going to have six wonderful weeks together. Finally it came time to say goodbye. Jennifer hugged Justin and kissed his cheek. “Be careful Justin and listen to Brian.” She looked him in the eye. “I really like Brian; I think he’ll be good for you this summer.” Brian was about to enter the departure area when Jennifer came over to him and put her arms around him in a quick hug. “Take care of him Brian, don’t hurt him” she whispered. Justin had walked through the barrier and Brian had to follow. He looked into Jennifer’s eyes, not sure what she was saying or why. “Jennifer, I’ll guard him with my life, please believe that.” She only nodded and tried to smile though her eyes were filled with tears. Brian leaned down and kissed her cheek, then turned and walked through the gate. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Jennifer was glad Molly was with her or she would have given in to her fears and probably never made it out of the parking lot before dissolving into tears. Molly’s constant chatter and her need for answers kept her grounded. “Mom” Molly asked “Did you know that Justin was gay?” Jennifer was startled but she felt she should answer Molly honestly. “Yes dear, I’ve know for a long time now.” “How come you never said anything to Justin?” “Justin isn’t ready to share that part of his life with us yet Molly. We have to respect his privacy. He will when he’s ready. I’m sure when he displayed his work at the GLC it was his way of letting me know without really saying anything.” “Did you know that Brian is gay?” “I thought he might be” “What if Brian was Justin’s boyfriend?” Molly was testing the water. “Justin couldn’t do better than Brian for a boyfriend. He’s a wonderful intelligent young man.” “He’s a lot older than Justin.” “Age is just a number dear. You’ll find that out when you are older.” “I like Brian” Molly sat back in the seat satisfied. “I do too Molly.”