Dedicated to the One I Love Part 5 """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Justin waited until he could hear the water running in the shower before he tore open the envelope that had been haunting him for three days. He knew it was bad even before he began to read the words. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Mr. Taylor: It is with regret that I have to inform you of our withdrawal of a position here at the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. We are in receipt of your Performance Appraisal from Ryder Advertising Agency and while you have received exemplary points for your attitude, attendance and general work habits, your ability to perform in an artistic capacity was low. As you are aware, qualification to attend your chosen course of studies is of the highest caliber. We are sympathetic to the fact that you were injured and are still recovering and with this in mind we will hold a spot for you for a period of one academic year, upon re-qualification. We wish you well in your recovery. Your tuition will be refunded in full to Mr. B. Kinney at the address provided by him. Sincerely, """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Justin didn’t read any further; it was what he had expected and more. Brian had paid his tuition. Brian had probably arranged for the job at Ryder. The water in the shower could still be heard and Justin, his head in a fog, walked to Brian’s top coat that had been thrown over the back of the sofa. He could see the ad executive’s checkbook in the top inside pocket. Not caring if he was discovered, he opened it and looked through it. Each month he’d been at Debbie’s, there was a check drawn in the amount of seven hundred dollars payable to her? In the explanation Brian had written – ‘room and board – the kid’ The same explanation could be found against the amount written to the Pittsburgh Clinic. ‘The kid – that’s what he was. Not the man I could love. Not Justin Taylor. Just ‘the kid.’ His heart breaking, he put the checkbook back. It was time for him to make some hard decisions, because while Brian might think of him as a kid, he wasn’t. He was a man, albeit a young man, but a man nevertheless. Last night had been unexpected, but wonderful. It was a night he was never going to forget. He felt something for Brian, whether it was love or not he wasn’t sure. He’d never been in love before; he had nothing to compare it to. But one thing was for sure. He wasn’t going to take anything more from Brian or anyone else if he could avoid it. He had almost four thousand dollars in his savings account. It wasn’t a lot, but it would be enough to keep him going until he found another job, in another city, where he could learn to be his own man. If it meant that he could never be the artist he’d wanted to be, well that was life. He would always be an artist; it was in every fiber of his being. What kind of artist was obviously up for grabs now. He didn’t want Brian to go into protective mode so he hastily scrawled a note to him. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Brian, Sorry, couldn’t wait for you to get out of the shower. I just remembered an appointment and I’ll be late if I don’t hurry. Thanks for the awesome night. You definitely lived up to your reputation. Catch you later. Justin """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Justin left the keys to the jeep and the loft sitting on the kitchen table. He took the credit card that Brian had given him for the jeep and tucked it into Brian’s wallet that was sitting on the counter. Then he left the loft, mentally calculating the amount of money that Brian had spent on him for room and board and therapy. There was probably more, like the computer which was probably Brian’s idea to help him, but he couldn’t worry about those other things. He’d look after the obvious first and deal with the extras later. He hurried to Debbie’s, he knew that both of them would be out this early, they would be shopping together, something they both enjoyed. He went to his room and carefully packed his backpack with the essentials for travel. He included a sketchbook and pencils as an afterthought. Practice wouldn’t hurt, he figured. Another hasty note was left on his bed. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Dear Debbie and Vic, I’ve decided to grow up and I can’t do that here. I love you both and you have always made me feel like part of your family. I’m going to be leaving the Pitts, I have some money and a destination in mind, so don’t worry. I’m not running away – well not really – I have put some thought into this. As soon as I’m settled I’ll send you an email and let you know I’m ok. Don’t forget me, I’ll never forget you. Justin Taylor """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Not sure about the next step, but knowing it was something he had to do, Justin thought about it and worked up the nerve to finally make the phone call. “Mr. Williams, it’s Justin Taylor. I’m sorry to bother you at home on a weekend, but I’d like to talk to you.” “No bother Justin, no bother at all. Saturdays are always quiet around here, this one even more so as Margaret is visiting the children. Can you find your way to the Commodore Building, we’re in apartment 116.” “I’ll find it sir. It’ll take me about half an hour to get there if that’s alright.” “I’ll be waiting Justin.” The first hurdle over, Justin determined, walked toward the downtown area in search of Bob William’s apartment building. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Brian walked out of the bathroom still drying his hair. He’d hoped Justin would join him in the shower, but apparently the boy had other ideas. Maybe he’d been too hard on him about the letter from PIFA. “Justin” he called out. That’s strange, no answer. Brian padded down into the empty kitchen, he noticed Justin’s backpack was missing, the PIFA letter lay discarded on the counter, so he picked it up and read it. “Fuck, fuck, fuck” he exclaimed out loud. It was only then he saw Justin’s note to him written on the back of the envelope. Brian read it twice, not sure what Justin was saying. The kid probably was heading back to Debbie’s to change his clothes. He’d catch up with him later like the note said. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Bob Williams answered the door and smiled at Justin. The blonde had definitely been an asset to have around the busy offices at Ryder. He could see that he would be giving Brian Kinney a run for his money if he decided to make advertising a career. “Come in Justin and sit down. I’ve made us both some tea and even managed to scrounge some cookies that Margaret must have left behind by mistake, she usually takes all the good stuff to the children.” Justin walked in and sat down. Bob Williams’ home was comfortably furnished. A large overweight Siamese cat jumped up on Justin’s knee and looked at him with bright blue, slightly crossed eyes. Turning around three times he settled down on the blonde’s lap, and began to purr. “Cool cat Mr. Williams.” Justin said and he began to stroke the plush ivory body. “Ralph is just a tad on the chubby side, he does insist on sneaking food every chance he gets and the most hunting he does these days is chasing the odd fly that makes it past the screens. But he’s good company and even though he talks back, he listens well.” Bob Williams laughed. “Now Justin, tell me, there must be some kind of a problem if you can’t wait until Monday.” Justin looked at the cat, avoiding Bob Williams eyes. “I’m leaving Ryder. I’m sorry I can’t give you any notice, but I have to go as soon as I can.” “I’m sorry Justin. Where are you going?” Bob was surprised to hear this. Justin had seemed so happy with his job and the people he worked with appreciated his dependability and skill. “I don’t know, not for sure.” “Why don’t you begin at the beginning, don’t leave anything out. I want to hear everything.” “Part of it’s about Brian. I know your his friend and I feel like I’m putting you in a tough position if I tell you.” “Brian and I are friends and I like to think that you and I are friends as well Justin. But I’m also the head of Human Resources and I’m a husband, a father, and a grandfather. I can be all those things because I keep the confidences and problems of each as separate as possible. Tell me what’s happened and if it’s something I can help you with I will. I won’t betray your confidence Justin. This is between the two of us.” “Thanks Mr. Williams, I really need to talk to someone about this and I’m not sure that my friends would understand, because they all think of Brian differently than I do.” Justin sighed and continued to pat the purring cat, who began to knead the leg of Justin’s pants with his front paws. He looked at Justin and smiled, a bit of drool at the corner of his mouth. “Your cat is smiling and drooling. I didn’t think they did that.” “Only with people they like, Ralph must like you a lot. He doesn’t drool on just anyone.” “I guess I’m lucky then. I was kicked out of PIFA before I’d even started.” Justin began bluntly. “It seems, that my hand is holding me back, but they did say I could try again. I have a year.” He sighed. “I know Brian had something to do with my job at Ryder, and I’m ok with that, sort of. But realistically, I can’t continue as an intern, if there is no school involved.” He held up his hand to stop Bob from saying anything. “Don’t even start, I know Brian would find me some work, but Mr. Williams, I don’t want Brian to be finding me work, or paying for my school, or where I live or any of that stuff.” Justin could feel tears start to fill his eyes, and he swiped the back of his hand angrily across them. “I’m going to say something that maybe you’ll find stupid and dumb because of my age and the fact that I’m a guy. But I love Brian, I wasn’t sure if that’s what I felt for him, but on my way here I realized I was only fooling myself if I didn’t admit it. But I’m not going to be the young blonde bimbo on Brian Kinney’s arm. Taking everything I can from him like a good little wife, while he goes off to work. If we ever get together, and I’m not sure we ever will, it has to be as equals or damn close to it. I want to earn my own money in amounts, if not as much as he does, at least close enough that there is no question that we are equal partners in our relationship.” Justin turned to the older man, his eyes beseeching. “I can’t do that here. I can’t grow up here. Brian is too close, too involved with my life in more ways than you can even imagine. If I stay it would be easy to let him look after me and I don’t doubt for a minute that he has that idea all set and ready to go. If I do that, if I let him, then I’ll lose something of myself with each passing day until I’m a pale imitation of Justin Taylor. I refuse to be that way no matter how much I love him.” The two men and the cat sat still. The sun filtered through the windows and the dust in the air danced in the heat currents. The only sound was the loud rusty purr of the heavy cat in Justin’s lap. “Do you like advertising?” Bob’s voice broke the silence. “I love it. I love the challenge of translating the client’s ideas, meshing them with ours and turning out something that grabbed you and made you want and desire whatever it was they had to sell. I can totally see how Brian loves what he does. And the art department, no matter what the Brian’s of the company say, is the heart of the whole operation. Without us, there would be no campaign, the concepts would be flat and uninteresting.” Justin’s face lit up and his eyes sparkled when he talked about the job. Bob made a decision, based on Justin’s reaction to the question he’d asked. He’d never before offered this kind of thing, mostly because his son and daughter weren’t interested in advertising. “I have a proposition for you, that may interest you. Here me out, because part of being a man is to know when to ask for help and accept it freely when it’s offered.” He reached for the telephone. “Let me make one call first, you listen, because this call involves you.” Consulting a small address book that was tucked in a drawer by the telephone, Bob Williams dialed and waited for it to ring. “Peter, it’s Bob Williams here. Yes I know it’s been a long time, but the phone works both ways.” He laughed. “Of course I called wanting something, why else would I want to talk to you? Margaret is doing fine, she’s visiting the children for a week. Do you still run that Co-op program? You do, wonderful. I have someone here that worked for us this summer who would be perfect for the art department spot. No, he’s pretty good, well he has both hands, that’s two better than you. Do the kids in the company still call you Captain Hook?” Bob Williams laughed. “Kinky, Peter, I’m sure Armand would cut you off if he heard you talking like that about him.” “Justin wants to relocate and with one thing or another, he finds he could use a decent job while he gets his degree. Great! Fax me the particulars, use my home fax, that’s where we’ll be. Yes, he can get out there by the end of next week. Is that apartment still available over the garage, could he rent it until he finds something decent?” Bob laughed again. “I’ll be warning him about old fags as soon as I’m off the phone, and Peter, I appreciate it and know Justin will as well.” When Bob hung up the phone Justin was looking at him puzzled. “Bob, it sounds like you’re as bad as Brian. I want to do this myself.” “Before you jump to conclusions remember what I told you, learn to accept help when it’s offered. Peter runs the Art Department of Petra Agency, one of the largest advertising companies in California. In fact he owns the company along with his partner Armand. They offer a number of different programs for up and coming young people like you, one of which is a co-op program. They will pay for your degree at Berkley; in return you work your ass off for them. You do a semester at Berkley, then a semester with them, it continues like that with minimal time off until you get your degree. At that time you both can decide to either part ways or join the team. It’s up to both of you. You will receive, in addition to your tuition, books and course materials, a pittance in wages, just enough to keep you from starving to death; usually they throw in the garage apartment. It isn’t much, but it beats a park bench. Once in a while a freelance art job might come your way and they don’t object to you taking it. Berkley offers a solid advertising and marketing degree as well as fine art courses. You could do both as long as you hold your own at Petra.” Justin sat stunned; it was the only way to describe how he felt. His hand automatically continued to pat Ralph, the spot of cat drool getting larger on his pant leg. Finally he gasped “I can’t talk, I can’t take it all in. Why would you do this for me Mr. Williams?” “This little story is between me and you. A number of years ago, a hotshot young artist was best friends with my son. They went everywhere together and then they grew up and joined the marines together. There was an accident and Peter lost both of his hands. Oh he has prosthetic hands, sometimes he uses them and sometimes not, but he didn’t let that slow him down, he had always wanted to work in advertising and when he was out of the hospital, I talked Marty into hiring him, much like Brian convinced us to take you on. Peter worked hard, studied hard and soon ran the Ryder Art Department. Of course he could no longer produce art the way he did before, but if you’re an artist, you find a way or die. He met Armand at a conference in New York and the rest is history, they took off for California, formed their own company and haven’t looked back since.” He poured himself another cup of tea. “He has damn near begged me to let him pay me back for giving him a chance when no one else would even consider him. When you walked in the door today, well, let’s say, this is Peter’s way of saying thank you. I know it’s bothered him that he could never do anything.” “I’ll repay the favor some day, that’s a promise.” Justin said. The cat, Ralph got up and turned around in Justin’s lap before settling back down. “I know you will, it’s what makes the world go round Justin.” He sat back enjoying his tea. “I hear the fax machine now. When it’s done, you and I will go over the details and we’ll see about getting you across the country. Will you join me for supper tonight Justin, and if you like you can have the guest room. Bright and early tomorrow is time enough to get on the road.” “I don’t want to put you to any more trouble.” Justin began. “Nonsense, there’s some planning to be done. You will need to check out the courses offered. I’ll find a map; you can see where you’re going to live and where you’ll be working. You’ll become intimately acquainted with the bus system.” Bob grinned at him. “Mr. Williams, is this really going to stay between the two of us? I don’t want Brian or anyone else finding me. I’m not really running away, more like running to find myself. I won’t let them worry, I’ll email everyone, even Brian.” “Justin, this is between you and I and no one else.” He looked at him. “You do have some money don’t you?” “I have some saved. I could buy a cheap plane ticket, if it means getting there faster. It would probably be cheaper than the bus anyway, because I wouldn’t be eating for the zillion days I’d be on it.” “True enough. Now come into my office and let’s see what Peter sent. Ralph get off of him.” The cat looked balefully at Bob and jumped off of Justin’s lap reluctantly. Tail twitching, he stalked over to the chair Bob Williams had just vacated and jumped up to resume his nap in the warm spot. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" “Hey Vic, can I talk to Justin.” Brian was calling on his cell phone, he was on his way to visit Gus and thought maybe Justin might like to come with him. “He’s gone Brian.” Vic hated to tell this to Brian, he had a feeling that the solitary man cared a great deal for the young blonde. “There was a note on his bed thanking us for everything. He said he’d let us know how he was doing, but that he wouldn’t be back.” Brian felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. “There must be some mistake.” “No mistake Brian. He said he’d be emailing all of us including you.” He sighed, “I don’t know what happened. Yesterday everything was fine. He was spending the night with Daphne, he seemed happy enough. It must have had to do with that damn letter from PIFA. I wonder what was in it.” """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Brian didn’t have the heart to go to Melanie and Lindsay’s after talking to Vic. Instead he went back to the loft, to see if there was anything there would give him some idea of where or why Justin had left. The first thing he noticed when he stood in his kitchen was the letter. He picked it up and started to read it, but the last lines about returning the tuition to B Kinney, that had to have been what set Justin off. He’d thought they were becoming friends, and last night, last night was amazing. He’d never expected to feel with Justin or anyone, what he’d felt last night. He was restless, he kept circling the living room, stopping to view his email, nothing new had arrived. Finally he put his jacket on and went out to Woody’s, he saw Justin’s keys to the apartment and the jeep when he moved his jacket and he knew then that Justin wasn’t coming back. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Justin sat in front of Bob Williams’ computer and tried to think of what to say to each of his friends. The hardest letter would be to Brian. He’d start with that one to get it out of the way. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Jtaylor69@hotmail.com To: bakinney@ryder2.com Subject: Life Hey, by now you’ve probably found out that I’ve left town. I don’t want you to think that it had anything to do with last night. Last night was the best night of my life. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I’ll be honest with you. I left because I like you too much, I might even love you and I know you’d just hate that. You’ve eluded guys for years who would love to make you their boyfriend. I guess that would be pretty nice, being your boyfriend. And I really would like to be your boyfriend, partner, significant other – whatever – but not right now. It wouldn’t work. I have nothing, I am nothing, well nothing more than a kid fresh out of high school with a gimp hand - Not that you’re offering or anything, I know that. I want us to next meet more as equals. Does that make sense Brian? Am I being too idealistic? I don’t want to lose contact with you, but I don’t want you to find me right now because I know you, you’ll bend over backwards to look after me and I don’t want that. I’m my own man. I have to do this for me. Because if I’m happy with me, then I’ll be happy with you, if you can wait for me that is. I don’t expect you to; I’ll understand if you don’t. But until we meet again, you have my heart. I give it to you freely. Justin """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" He hit the send button and instantly wished he could take it back and rewrite it. It was too late for that now. He didn’t feel like emailing anyone else tonight except he thought he’d email the Dedication show and dedicate Madonna’s The Power of Goodbye to his Mystery Man. If it was Brian, then he’d understand if he heard the dedication. If it wasn’t, well it wouldn’t hurt. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" None of the tricks in the backroom of Babylon appealed to him tonight. Michael, Emmett and Ted were oblivious to how he was feeling. To them it was just another Saturday night. He’d booked a flight back to LA for first thing in the morning, so he’d made an early night of it. None of the boys seemed to know that Justin was missing and he wasn’t about to bring up the subject. He was just about asleep when he remembered the Dedication show. He flipped on the radio, surprised it was on the right station, and then remembered that Justin had often stayed over. He must have listened to the show. Tonight he was lucky, if you could call it that, and Dedication Daniel began right away with his patter. “Tonight boys and girls, I received an email from the elusive Justin, seems there has been a parting of the ways between him and Mystery Man, could this be true? We’ll have to all think good thoughts to help them find each other again. Justin wants us to play The Power of Goodbye sung by Madonna and written by her and Rick Nowels. This is a powerful song it sends shivers up Danny’s back, I don’t know what it will do to Mystery Man if he’s listening. But if he is, I hope he sits back and listens to the words that Justin is trying to say. This is for you Mystery Man, from Justin. Brian shut his eyes as the words began to fill the dark room, taking the place of the shadows in the corners. Your heart is not open so I must go The spell has been broken, I loved you so Freedom comes when you learn to let go Creation comes when you learn to say no You were my lesson I had to learn I was your fortress you had to burn Pain is a warning that something’s wrong I pray to God that it won’t be long Do you wanna go higher? There’s nothing left to try There’s no place left to hide There’s no greater power Than the power of goodbye The words continued over and over until they broke through his hastily built barriers and tore at his very soul. Brian realized that the ‘boy’ he’d been learning about and getting to know all these weeks, wasn’t a boy, but a man. He’d made that mistake and now he was paying for it. Justin needed to grow, to learn, to be himself and he would never do it as long as he was treated as a child instead of the young man he was. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Brian checked his ticket; he was right on time for Liberty Air’s flight 309 to LA. Boarding was called for the first class passengers and he picked up his carry on and strode through the gate not looking back. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" “I really appreciate this Mr. Williams” Justin said. He gave the older man a hug. “I guess my old student card came in handy.” He waved his student stand by ticket in the air. “I can’t believe that Peter and Armand are going to pick me up at the airport. They didn’t have to, but it’s nice.” “Flying into LA was the best we could do this morning Justin at the rate you got. The boys don’t mind the drive down from Berkley. Besides, it’ll give the three of you time to get to know one another before you start your busy schedule. Now I expect reports from you, I want to live vicariously through your exciting next four years.” “I’ll write every week. Thank you so much.” Tears in his eyes, Justin hugged him again before racing off to the gate for flight 309 to LA.. Boarding the large jetliner, he was steered toward the coach section. He never looked to his left, if he had, a familiar auburn head would have been visible to him. As it was, Justin kept his excited eyes on the seat numbers until almost at the rear of the plane where he found his seat. Moving into the middle seat he belted himself in and sat back and relaxed for the first time since he’d wakened that morning. He might not be with Brian, but he was a lot closer in Berkley than he would be in the Pitts. It was of some consolation to him and he resolved not to cry about what he couldn’t change. It was going to be a long flight, more than five hours. Justin settled back with his headphones on, shut his eyes and began to listen to music while not that far away sat a handsome man, a glass of scotch in one hand, his eyes shut as he relived the night he’d found his Goldilocks in his bed. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" November “Justin catch” Justin looked up from his drafting table just in time to throw up his hand and catch the soft rubber hand exercising ball. He laughed and brushed his long blond hair out of his eyes. “You’re going to nail me with that one of these times.” Peter clicked the metal pincers that acted as his hand for the day. “You know the rules, you need to use that every hour if you’re going to be working on the boards.” “Yeah, well you aren’t supposed to see me here, I’m in class, so this doesn’t count.” “Your class got out hours ago, it’s after six. Armand told me you were probably here. You don’t have to help that lazy bum out. He should have had it done yesterday.” “Who’s a lazy bum?” Armand asked, he stood on tip toe to kiss his tall partner and lover. “Justin volunteered, how could I say no?” Justin and Peter laughed. “I’m about done now anyway, are you guys going home? Can I hitch a ride with you?” Justin asked. “Yes we’re going home and yes you can get a ride with us. No coming in here tomorrow, it’s Thanksgiving, we stay home and eat and watch football.” Peter said. “That is sooooo not going to happen pretty boy.” Armand quipped. “I do not DO football, I believe we have had this discussion on a number of occasions.” He sashayed over to Justin and looked at the completed story board. “That is just what I wanted. This one is going to be a winner Justin my boy.” “Yeah, with that new technique you showed me on the PC, my hand was able to cooperate. I put that piece in to be juried for the art show. I think it was one of my better ones. Maybe I’ll get picked, the prizes are not bad and I could use some cash. I want to send some things back home.” “Yes, Christmas is coming. Are you going home Justin?” “Not this year guys, I can’t afford it and I don’t really have the time. The semester changes, I’ll be here full time. I used up some of my money on some night classes for the next term.” “We pay the tuition big boy.” Armand teased. “These courses aren’t part of the degree curriculum, they’re more for me personally, I can’t ask for them to be paid for.” He smiled at the two men who had become friends, “Don’t worry about Petra, I won’t slack off just because I have two night classes.” “We know you won’t” Peter said. “I’m feeling hungry tonight, let’s have Thai, my treat.” “Sounds good to me” Justin said. “Can I drive?” He hated it when Peter drove with ‘the claws’ and Armand refused to drive in the city. “I suppose so, but I really do have good control.” He let one of his ‘hands’ fall off to land on the desk top by Justin – a ghoulish trick that he seemed to find funny. Armand and Justin rolled their eyes and ignored him, continuing out the door. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" bakinney@ryder2.com to: jtaylor69@hotmail.com Subject: The holidays Justin, I never thought I’d hear myself say this, or in this case see myself write it, but why won’t you be home for Thanksgiving or at least Christmas. We all miss you and want you there. Gus is getting so big, aren’t you afraid he’ll forget you. And yes I am trying to guilt you out. How close are you to the Pitts? Could I come there and drive you home? I promise not to touch you. --- no that’s not true – I can’t make a promise I know I won’t keep. Justin, please come home. I know we’ve talked about this in other emails, but I don’t care if you earn less money. It just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Brian """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" mmarkus@uniserve.com To: jtaylor69@hotmail.com Subject: A big thank you Lindsay and I were so touched to receive the picture you did of Gus. I know it was his birthday, but we miss you so much honey. It was a year ago that you came into our life. You have no idea how much you mean to us. We respect your wishes and won’t beg you to come here for the holidays, but please know that our door is always open for you. Wishing you the best and happy Chanukah. Love, Melanie, Lindsay and Gus """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" cptnastro@hotmail.com To: jtaylor69@hotmail.com Subject: Birthday Presents. Hey, Justin, love the ‘comic’ book you did for me. It was great seeing ‘me’ in a comic with all the guys and Ma and Vic and even Brian. Brian says you had to have had some pretty serious software program to do something like this. Is it expensive? Can I learn how to do it? I always wanted to make my own comic. I could probably come up with a million stories. I need a super hero, maybe a gay one, sort of like the captain only better. Want to make one with me. You seem to know how it’s done. I mean if my birthday present is any indication. How come I can’t phone you? I hate this email shit. Michael. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" honeybutt@hotmail.com To: jtaylor69@hotmail.com Subject: Christmas Justin honey, it was so sweet of you to remember me at Christmas. I absolutely loved the shirt, and to have Zack O’Toole’s autograph on it, I’ll treasure it forever. All the guys were jealous when I wore it to Babylon. Did you know that Brian was here for Christmas? He didn’t stay long, I think he only came because he was hoping you would show up here honey. We all miss you like crazy, I still can’t believe we are only email buddies after all we’ve been through together. Hugs and kisses :o) your favorite Pittsburgh queen Emmett. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" “Justin, you have a visitor.” The voice from the intercom on Justin’s desk startled him. He was distracted anyway because it was the first anniversary of the Prom. He almost wished he was into drugs so he could wipe his mind clean and wake up the next morning. Who could be visiting him, he hadn’t made any friends, he had no time between working at Petra and going to school, his free time was pretty scarce. “Mr. Williams” Justin’s face beamed. He wasn’t expecting to see the older man. “What in the world are you doing here and not in the Pitts?” “Oh I manage to get out and visit the boys at least once a year. I thought I’d surprise you. And I see I did.” “Boy did you ever.” He held out his hand “I have almost 90% use from it now. It must be the warmer weather.” He joked. “That’s terrific Justin and I hear the boys are actually paying you now.” “Yes, after Christmas I got a raise. It’s not much, but it helps.” “Very good, I think you are one of the few who ever received a raise before your second year.” “That’s what Peter said. It made me feel good. My grades are fine and I’m managing to fit in a few fine arts courses as well.” He smiled at Bob “How’s Ralph doing? He was kind of nice to have hanging around that night I spent at the apartment.” “He’s just as fat and lazy as he ever was. You should get a cat. They’re good company.” “I’d have to ask Peter and Armand, I’m still using the garage apartment. They would have paid for student housing, but they’re so much like having a family and they didn’t mind so I stayed.” “Family is important to you isn’t it Justin?” Bob asked. “I have to wonder if you wouldn’t have been better off staying in Pittsburgh with your family. I’m not sure I did you a favor by arranging for you to be so far away.” “Brian is important to me; he’s only 150 miles away. I like to think that he’s so close we can touch, or maybe meet each other accidentally. Which is of course my stupid faggy fantasy number 11, I have a few now, I think I’m up to about 30.” He laughed but not really with mirth, more with the irony of the situation. “I know it sounds pathetic. But we email each other, he doesn’t know where I am, but we talk that way, and we’re getting to know one another. Every now and then I block my number and phone his place. I can hear his voice on the answering machine. Of course I only do that on the bad days. Luckily there aren’t many because I couldn’t afford the phone bills.” He kind of smiled to himself. “And we have kind of a weird communication thing going with a radio show, it’s a long story, but it’s nice because it’s like saying goodnight to each other every night. And he’s never forgotten even once. I figure that knowing Brian; the radio show guy probably gets a list of songs from him maybe once a week or even once a month. I can’t imagine him actually listening nightly.” “Sounds very romantic Justin, and I wouldn’t underestimate Brian.” He cleared his throat. “I actually have to talk to you about him.” “Oh no, you’ve told him where I am” Justin said dismayed. “No, now Justin, I said I wouldn’t say anything and I haven’t. Don’t go getting all excited.” Bob kind of smiled. “It’s Brian, he’s very brilliant. I’m not sure if it was something that you said in one of your emails to Brian, or if he’s just being intuitive, but he gave me something to send to you. I knew I was coming to visit and I thought you would accept it better if I talked to you person.” “Am I that much of a drama princess?” Justin asked with a smile. “No, but we had a deal and I don’t want you to think that I went back on my word.” Bob Williams smiled at Justin fondly. “I’m very proud of what you’ve accomplished here in the few months that you’ve had. I can only imagine what wonderful things you’ll do by the end of your contract.” He handed Justin a small parcel he’d been carrying. “I have no idea what it is or why he’d send something now and not say, Christmas or your birthday.” “From what our friends tell me, Brian isn’t big on holidays. I’ve never expected to receive a gift from him ever for any of the standard ‘gift’ days. Not that I’ve known him all that long.” Justin huffed a laugh and then grinned outright at Bob Williams. “I guess I did myself out of anything he might decide to give when I left the Pitts.” He turned the small package over and over in his hands as if looking for some magic clue that would tell him what was inside or for that matter why Brian was sending it to him. “I always wanted him to give me something that kind of ‘meant’ something. I don’t mean like paying for things, like room and board and my tuition. I appreciated that he did it, and well, I appreciate it now. I was a little pissed when I left.” He grinned again. “Maybe more than a little.” “Being on a tight budget does make you appreciate the ‘easy’ life.” Bob replied tongue in cheek. “It sure does.” Justin placed the parcel on his desk. He had to wait until he was in his own small apartment, before he opened the parcel. Even holding it in his hand, knowing that Brian had held it, had written his name across the front of it in his perfect script, just knowing these things, sent a tingle through his body and made tears begin to prickle behind the lids of his eyes. If he was going to have a drama princess meltdown, he preferred to do it in private. “Justin, I’m going for lunch now with the boys. Will I see you later?” “Count on it Mr. Williams, I have tomorrow off, I promised Peter I’d mow the lawn for him.” “No wonder he doesn’t want you to leave.” Bob Williams said as he walked out the door laughing. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Jtaylor69@hotmail.com To: bkinney@ryder2.com Subject: a brown paper parcel I’m sitting at my desk at (work, school, play, lover’s house ???) at lease I have something you don’t know (grin) unless you are psychic, which of course wouldn’t surprise me. If you were, can you tell me where I’ll be in 3 years time, in 4, in 5. I suppose not. (darn) I’m sitting here at my desk looking at a small parcel wrapped in brown paper with my name on it. Is it a bomb? I can’t imagine what it is and of course just seeing it there and knowing that you sent it makes me happier than you can imagine. I feel likes it’s Christmas and my birthday and Valentine’s Day all at once. I guess maybe I am still too young for you if I get this excited about stuff like that. I don’t care; Brian Kinney sent me a present. I hope it’s not socks. It isn’t socks is it? I want to open it so bad, but I can’t go back to my garret for 3 more hours. I know that opening it will make me cry and I like to project a manly man image here, where I spend my days. Don’t laugh, it isn’t that big of a stretch, I’ve been working out, you can almost but not quite see some muscle in my arms (grin). In anticipation that it’s not socks, I want you to know that you have completely made my day – it had started out kind of shitty because of – well I won’t go into it, but let’s say last year on this day, I ended up sleeping more than I wanted. I hated to even get out of bed. I really like the ‘head in the sand’ approach to life some days. But, I had something that had to be completed today and it affected too many people for me to blow it off, so here I am looking at my BROWN PAPER PARCEL THAT HAS TO BE NOT SOCKS. Justin (who still loves you but doesn’t want you to know) :o) """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Justin did his best to concentrate on completing the project he was working on. It was one of the first ones that he had been entrusted to do from start to finish. Not only would it be part of Armand’s presentation, but it was something he could hand in for one of his courses. It would generate even more marks if he was able to show that it had been used in an actual advertising campaign. The extra credits couldn’t hurt. Every now and then his eyes would stray to the parcel now sitting at the top of his desk. He’d put it in his backpack twice, but unable to resist, he’d taken it out again. The email pop up on his computer screen startled him for a moment. His look turned into a smile when he saw the email was from Brian. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" bkinney@ryder2.com To: jtaylor69@hotmail.com Subject: Drama Princess extraordinaire I see from your last email that whatever else you’ve been doing, you’ve still kept that ‘inner drama princess’ that we have all come to know and love. No it isn’t socks. There is a letter inside that will explain why and why now. I miss you Justin Taylor. I miss your bright blue eyes and I miss your infectious smile. I miss holding you in my arms and waking up next to you. Who would have thought waking up with you once, would have colored the rest of my life? Please hurry up and do whatever it is you are doing, I’m not getting any younger here. Brian (feeling pathetic and missing you in LA) """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" It was actually almost ten o’clock before Justin arrived back at his apartment. Two of the other students had convinced him to go out for pizza. They were both straight, Ron and Pamela, but lots of fun and the fact that he was gay didn’t bother them. The parcel in his backpack was driving Justin nuts, and he finally had to feign a headache so that he could leave earlier than they had wanted. He dropped his backpack on the table that sat beside the window; almost filling it completely the table was so small. He took the parcel out and walked over to his bed, the one decent piece of furniture in the place. Trust two gay men to make sure there was a decent bed in the apartment. He sat himself in the center of the bed on crossed legs. And once again looked the parcel over, memorizing its contours. He’d already photographed it with the digital camera at work, filing the picture in his personal file for future use someday. Slowly, he unwrapped the parcel, the suspense building, to reveal a blue plush box. Rather than open it up right away, he chose to open the folded piece of paper that had been included in the parcel. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Sunshine I want you to accept this because it comes from my heart. It’s how I feel when I think of you. I know you aren’t ready yet, but I won’t give up on you, you promised not to give up on me. So as I seem to be able to speak to you better through someone else’s words. Just know that these words are now ‘my’ words to you. Justin, I dedicate this song to you. Brian. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" “What song,” Justin wondered. He opened up the box and found a bracelet of hammered silver disks linked with gold. He studied the disks closely and what he’d taken for a design was in fact words. Each disk held a verse of a song by Norah Jones. Come away with me in the night Come away with me And I will write you a song Come away with me on a bus Come away where they can’t tempt us With their lies I want to walk with you On a cloud day In fields where the yellow grass grows Knee high So won’t you try to come Come away with me and we’ll kiss On a mountaintop Come away with me And I’ll never stop loving you And I want to wake up with the rain Falling on a tin roof While I’m safe there in your arms So all I ask is for you To come away with me in the night Come away with me. The six discs, the words radiating around them, so that to the casual observer it looked like a traditional Navaho bracelet. Justin remembered an advertising campaign Ryder had released three months ago featuring works of a famous Navaho designer. This must be a piece of his work. Justin’s fingers traced the small letters, and read them over and over not noticing that they were becoming increasingly more hard to read as the tears fell faster and faster. The timer turned on the radio beside him and almost immediately, before Dedication Daniel’s usual introduction theme and the honeyed voice began. The song Come Away With Me began to play and Justin cried even harder.