What if Brian Didn’t Have Cancer 
For Meka

 

Sap warning

Justin jumped when he heard the door to the loft slam shut. Brian was finally home. He never should have let him leave Deb’s alone. It wasn’t his fault that what he’d said had come out wrong. It was just Brian’s way with words never seemed to move into his personal life. He could sell ice cream in the Arctic, but damned if he was any good at letting people know how he really felt. 

When he didn’t come to the bedroom, Justin got up to find his errant lover. Brian was sitting on the floor; his back to the door looking like he’d lost his best friend. Justin padded over to him and sat down beside him. The door was cold on his back and he must have made a noise because Brian pulled him close so that he didn’t have to lean on the cold metal. “What are you doing here?” Brian asked, though he knew the answer.

“You need me. I’m here.” Were Justin’s simple words.

“I won the bet.” Brian boasted in an effort of bravado.

“I figured.” Justin said. He’d known that Brian would head to Babylon’s back room when he’d seen the look of sorrow on his face.

“Justin, what if I was sick, really sick, like Vic was or even worse. Would you still love me, would you stay with me?”

“How can you even ask me that Brian? I told you before, I’d never leave you.”

“But we aren’t married. We haven’t had the famous fag commitment ceremony. We don’t have anything legal between us.”

Justin touched his heart. “What I feel in here is all that I need.”

“Vic’s first boyfriend didn’t stay with him.”

“Then he couldn’t have been much of a boyfriend. Brian, if I wanted a fuck buddy I could have found one a less high maintenance than you.” Justin tried to joke. “Why are you asking me these things? Are you drunk?”

“I wish the fuck I was drunk.” Brian spat out the words. He moved to get up but his arms were full of Justin who refused to move. 
“You might as well tell me.” Justin turned and brushed Brian’s hair off of his forehead. It was that gentle touch. The kind of touch that only someone who loves you does consciously or unconsciously that broke through all the barriers. 

As Brian spoke the pain and fear was evident in his voice. “That trick, the one we bet on. He’s a doctor, he said I have a lump on my left testicle. It might be cancer.”

A cold blade of fear sliced through Justin’s gut, but he didn’t react outwardly in any way. “Well then I guess you and I are going to the doctors tomorrow and getting it checked out.” Justin’s voice was matter of fact.

“You don’t have to go. I’ll go.”

“Brian, I’m sitting here in your lap bare assed naked, it’s fucking cold in here, I’ve waited for you to come home even though I knew you were out getting your rocks off with someone else. I think that you and I going to the doctors together it isn’t inconceivable even for you. Perhaps it’s escaped your notice; I am somewhat stubborn where you’re concerned.”

Brian huffed a laugh, Justin always knew how to make him feel safe and protected. He knew that the six foot four Brian Kinney was really that short five year old that was always being put down deep down inside. With Justin around, he’d get through this whatever it was.

Justin stood up and held his hand out for Brian. “Come on partner, it’s bed time. Tomorrow will come soon enough.”

Brian smiled and let Justin pull him upright. Tomorrow was another day, they would make it together.

Justin stood beside Brian when he was being examined. He held his hand and stayed silent. He helped Brian dress when the other man’s hands shook too much to do up his shirt and then he held onto him when the doctor advised them to go for further tests and explained just what the tests would involve.

Brian sat mute and Justin asked question after question. Finally they were able to leave. While Brian lay on the bed in the loft, Justin called Cynthia and made her aware that they wouldn’t be around for a few days. She was to let any of their friends know should they call. Justin didn’t bother calling the gang, they’d find out soon enough that Brian and Justin had left town for five days. Let them think what they wanted.

When their bags were packed, Justin held out his hand and Brian once again let his partner lead the way.

Three days later they were on their way back. Brian’s face was almost splitting he couldn’t stop smiling. He let Justin drive, but that was only because he felt almost drunk he was so giddy and he didn’t want anything to happen to his car.

As they pulled into the parking spot Brian always used by the loft Brian looked over at Justin and said. “You know the last few days have taught me a valuable lesson. One that I should have learned a long time ago.”

“What’s that? Justin didn’t really care. The man he loved was healthy and happy, sure he had a prosthetic testicle, but no one ever had to find that out. It was a secret between the two of them. 

“That when I picked you up under that street light, it was the best thing I could have done for myself.” Brian grinned at him. “You know I’ve made sure that you get everything I have if something should ever happen to me. Well except for a policy I have for Gus.”

“You know what Brian. If I can’t have you, I don’t fucking want your stuff.” Justin glared at him.

“I’m sorry Justin, it didn’t come out right.” Brian sighed. “I meant that we don’t need a ceremony or a ring or some piece of paper that the state has issued. What we have is deeper and better than any of that. You are my life.”

“You’re mine”

“It really is true that we can survive anything if we have each other.” Brian sighed again. “What an asshole I’ve been.”

Justin let his hand brush the hair from Brian’s forehead and then leaned in to kiss his soft skin. “You are just you Brian Kinney, the man I love. Nothing can ever change that.”

Brian shut his eyes all the better to savor the soft touch, the whispered words and the love that surrounded him.