When You Touch Me 
Chapter 5

Justin continued to tidy his already immaculate apartment. Joan Kinney was coming home from the hospital today and he’d volunteered to pick her up. Brian had meetings all day and Gus was home from school because of a Teacher’s professional day. Brian said that Gus would have normally gone to the day care that was part of Kinnetic, but Gus wanted to stay with Justin so Brian had asked if it would be alright.

Gus sat at the computer desk working with the video that Molly and Justin had developed. Every now and then he would glance over at Justin who paced nervously. “Justin, you’re making me nervous.” He said finally. “Your apartment is even more tidy than ours and daddy is a nut about things being tidy.”

“I want everything to be nice for your grandmother.” 

“But we’re taking her to our place.” Gus reasoned.

“What if she wants to come down here? I want to be ready.”

“Tell her she has to stay in our loft.” Gus laughed. “Make a mean face and say ‘stay here’.”

Justin laughed. “It doesn’t work with you. Do you really think it’ll work with your grandmother?”

Gus shrugged. “Maybe” he said. He looked at the clock in the kitchen. “I think we should go now. It’s almost time.”

Justin had been keeping track of the time but he’d also been putting off leaving. He’d talked to Brian’s mother in the hospital each day, but somehow now that she was actually going to be living upstairs, it all seemed overwhelming. “Let’s go.” He said and picked up his keys. The heavy brass key with a ‘B’ stamped into it made his heart lurch when he caught sight of it on his key ring. Brian had given him a key to his apartment because Justin would be alternating between his own place and Brian’s.

Gus chattered all the way to the hospital. Justin headed straight for Joan Kinney’s room when they arrived, Gus at his side. He knocked on her door before putting his head in. She was sitting in a chair by the bed dressed and ready to go. “Hi Mrs. Kinney.”

“Hi Grandma, me and Justin are bringing you home.” Gus ran over to the old woman and gave her a hug.

“You’ve grown tall. You’re so much like your father was at your age.” She said. Her hand brushed away his flyaway auburn hair off of his forehead. A nurse came into the room with a wheelchair. And without arguing, Joan got into it. “Do you want to ride with me Gus?” she asked and patted her lap.

“Cool.” Gus agreed. “What about the rabbit” he’d spotted the rabbit on top of the small overnight bag that was on the end of the bed.

“You hold the rabbit, your grandma will hold you and I’ll push the chair and carry the case” Justin said as he organized the two of them. He noticed that Joan Kinney’s hand still shook and that her makeup, though carefully applied was just slightly off and it sadden him because he was sure that Brian, who was fastidious, took after his mother who must have been a real beauty in her time.

Justin knew better than to draw her attention to it though. Brian was a proud man and he was sure that his mother was equally proud. Having to give in to the vulgarities of life and live in Brian’s home even for a few weeks must be hard on her. And to have to have a caregiver watching her every moment, another fag like her son, must be equally annoying.

“This isn’t my son’s car.” Joan Kinney said when they approached Justin’s car.

“No, it’s mine. Brian’s is too hard for me to get in and out of.” Justin said. “And he’s pretty fussy. I’d hate to put a scratch in it or anything.”

“Daddy swears when his car gets hurt.” Gus added. “That’s bad.”

“Yes it is Gus; there is no excuse for vulgar language.” Joan said. Her voice trembled and she knew her words were slurred and occasionally mixed up but she defied anyone to say a word about it. “I don’t understand why Brian isn’t here.” She began again. Justin had already heard about how ungrateful Brian was and how unfeeling, and he was just a little sick of it. He was going to have to have a heart to heart with Mrs. Kinney when Gus was occupied and couldn’t hear him.

“Daddy is workin Grandma. You shouldn’t say mean things about my daddy. It makes my tummy hurt.” Justin glared at the back of Joan Kinney’s head. He bent down and hugged Gus. 

“We’ll talk about it later Gus.” He whispered. “Your grandma needs some extra love right now. Do you think you can give it to her?”

“I don’t know?” Gus eyed the old woman warily. He was beginning to understand why his daddy didn’t want her around. This lady was mean.

Justin made sure that everyone was safe and secure in his car before leaving the hospital parking lot. “I’ve already picked up your prescriptions Mrs. Kinney, so we can go right home.”

“I need to have my hair done. I always get it done every week.”

“Can you wait one more day?” Justin asked. “I don’t think the doctor wants you to over exert yourself on the same day you get out of the hospital.”

“So this is how it’s going to start. I can’t even live my own life or do the things I want.”
She began. She looked at Justin and could tell by the set of his jaw that he was not happy and she relented. “That’s fine. I understand, I’m an old woman who has been ill. I’m sure if I stay in my room, I won’t bother any of you.”

Justin didn’t say a word. He counted silently in his head to ten and then twenty. He was approaching three hundred when they arrived at the apartment building. “We’re here” he said unnecessarily. Gus was silent in the back seat. His eyes were rained on his grandmother almost as if he was afraid of her. “Justin, hold my hand.” He asked as he climbed out of the car. Justin opened the door for Joan Kinney and helped her onto her feet. She was moving slowly, but they eventually made their way into the building. Justin figured he’d run down and get the suitcase and rabbit later.

“I hope you aren’t going to leave my case there too long. This neighborhood doesn’t look very safe.” She began.

Gus moved closer to Justin and clutched his hand even tighter. Justin was having difficulty negotiating the doors and then the elevator with two Kinney’s clinging to him. He wished now that he’d asked Molly to come along.

“The neighborhood is perfectly safe Mrs. Kinney.” Justin kept his voice pleasant, more to reassure Gus than to be pleasant to Brian’s mother. This woman would require some getting used to. But from what Justin had read about strokes, her orneriness was to be expected. It was caused from a combination of fear and uncertainty. “I’m going to get you settled in Brian’s place and then I’ll run down and get your bag.”

“It isn’t enough you know. If I have to stay here for weeks on end, I’ll need more clothing.”

“I know. I thought maybe you and I could go over to your place tomorrow and get whatever it is you need.” Justin was grateful when the elevator arrived at Brian’s floor. He pulled up the door and stepped out offering his arm to Joan Kinney.

“I’m perfectly capable to walking on my own.” She brushed past him. He noticed that she was unsteady but determined. That had to be a good thing if she wanted to get well.

“Justin, when is my daddy coming home?” Gus asked eyeing his grandmother carefully.

“He won’t be long. He was going to finish up his meeting and come home early.” Justin reassured the young boy. He opened the loft and let everyone enter first. He barely had time to shut off the alarm. “Do you want to show your grandma where her room is Gus?” Justin asked.

“Can you come too?” Gus slipped his hand into Justin’s.

“He’s a very timid boy. Brian was never like that. He was always a rather brash child.”

“You’re kind of hard to take Mrs. Kinney. Gus isn’t used to someone as, well rude comes to mind, but I’ll settle for hard.” Justin couldn’t resist. “I on the other hand am used to it so it doesn’t really bother me.” He walked to the door of Joan Kinney’s room and opened it. “This will be your room while you’re here. Brian tried to think of everything that would make you comfortable.” 

She walked into the room. It was pleasantly decorated. She could see that Brian had added a television and a radio for her as well as an easy chair and a desk. She looked through the door on the other side and found a small but functional bathroom. Grab bars had been installed by the tub and shower as well as near the toilet. She was sure it had to have been a recent installation. “It’ll do.” She said grudgingly.

“I’ll run down and get your suitcase.” Justin turned to leave. Gus tightened his hand in Justin’s. “Gus will you come with me please? You can carry the rabbit.”

“Okay Justin. Is it okay if I carry your rabbit Grandma?” Gus asked not wanting to do anything to offend the old lady. He was beginning to think having her live with them wasn’t a good idea.

Joan Kinney realized that she was going to have to put forth some effort if she wanted to have a relationship with Gus. “Yes Gus, I’d like that. I think I’ll just lay down on the bed. I’m a little bit tired.”

“I’ll be careful with him Grandma.” Gus said.

“I’m sure you will be Gus.” She smiled though she was tired and it did take an effort to be friendly. It was a lot easier to be her usual abrupt self.

Justin and Gus went back to the car and retrieved the rabbit and the suitcase. On the way back to the loft Gus asked. “Can we make cookies Justin? Maybe grandma would like some cookies.”

“That’s a great idea Gus. I’ll have to check the list the doctor gave your grandma and see what she’s allowed to eat on her diet. We’ll find something to make after that; maybe she can have the sugar cookies I baked yesterday.”

Gus was uncharacteristically silent as the two of them rode the elevator to the lobby. When they reached the car and Justin was about to unlock it, he said in a quiet voice. “Justin, how come grandma is so mean? Grandma Debbie is never mean. This grandma says mean stuff about my daddy and I don’t like it. My tummy hurts when she does that.”

Justin picked up Gus and sat him on the hood of his car so that they were eye level. “I don’t know why she is so mean Gus. But I have a plan. I think she’s mean because no one has loved her for a long, long time and now she thinks that’s the way life is. So my plan is, every time she is mean, you and I will be extra nice to her. You can tell her that you love her and give her a hug and I’ll give her hugs and do nice things.”

“I don’t love her. How come I have to say I love her and you don’t?”

“That’s a good point. Why don’t we just show her that we care, and someday, when we come to love her, then we’ll say the words.”

“I like that idea the best.” Gus said. He leaned forward knowing that Justin would catch him and gave him a big hug. “I love you Justin.” He kissed Justin’s cheek. “And I love my daddy.”

Joan Kinney stood at the window high above them and watched the free and easy way Gus and Justin interacted. She wondered if Gus would ever be comfortable enough with her to be so loving. She brushed away a tear as she remembered the day that Brian had refused to hug her and that sad look in his hazel eyes that broke her heart. Jack had been brutal to Brian and she hadn’t dared to interfere less he get worse. She knew that Brian had thought she didn’t love him. He was five years old when he had given up on her.

“What took you too so long?” Joan asked when Justin and Gus came back into the loft. “What if I’d fallen?”

Gus looked at Justin and sighed. He went over to his grandmother and gave her a hug. “We would have picked you up and made it better.” He said. “I thought you were going to have a nap?”

“I am, I’m very tired.” Joan turned to walk into the bedroom. “You were taking such a long time and I was alone.”

“I’m sorry grandma, I needed to talk to Justin.” Gus looked sad.

“As you pointed out Mrs. Kinney, you aren’t an invalid. It was only a few minutes. But we’re here now. Why don’t I make you a cup of herb tea? I’ll make you something relaxing so that you can rest. We can join you in your room. It’ll be like an old fashioned tea party.”

“For that you’d need fine china cups and saucers.”

“I can do that.” Justin grinned at her. “I’m gay; of course I’d have fine china. Before my mother died, we used to have tea almost every Friday afternoon.”

“Brian won’t have anything like that.” Joan said. “It’s not like we’ve ever had tea. He probably has coffee mugs though,” conceding.

“I guess we won’t know until we look” Justin replied. “I like to have cookies with my tea, but toast is nice too.” He knew Brian had both because he’d taken the time to check out the other man’s stock of groceries and filled in what was missing.

“Can I have tea too?” Gus asked.

“Certainly you can.” Justin smiled at him. “And you can help me make it. Let’s get your grandma settled in her room first.”

“I’m just going to wash my face and hands Justin, and change into my nightgown. I really do feel like resting.” Joan hated to admit her frailty.

“While you are doing that, Gus and I will prepare the tea. We’ll be in to join you shortly. If you have any problems or feel weak or dizzy, I want you to call out, don’t be shy. That’s why we’re here, to look out for each other.” Justin leaned over and kissed her cheek before taking Gus’ hand and heading for the kitchen. He knew already that Joan Kinney was a proud woman. He wanted to give her some privacy.

In less than twenty minutes Justin and Gus returned to Joan’s room. Justin knocked at the door. “We must always knock before we go in. That’s being polite.”

Gus nodded. “Okay. Grandma is me and Justin.” He called.

“Come in.” Joan said. They walked in, Justin carrying a tray with a tea service of fine china and Gus a plate of delicate sugar cookies that Justin had baked the day before.

“You look pretty grandma.” Gus said when he saw his grandmother. She was sitting up in bed dressed in a fine Irish linen nightgown embellished with lace. It was a soft cream shade and obviously very expensive.

“Thank you Gus. I found this in the dresser along with some other things.” She looked at Justin. “Is this your doing Justin?”

Justin smiled at her, his face soft and his blue eyes twinkling. “I’d like to take the credit, but Brian is the one you’ll have to thank. And Gus is right, you do look pretty.” While her complexion was pale and her eyes had dark smudges under them, Joan Kinney had softened when she’d put on the nightgown. It was one of the nicer things she’d ever owned and now to find that Brian had bought it for her left her speechless.

Justin handed her a linen napkin and then served her a cup of tea. He couldn’t resist. “Brian has a whole set of Irish bone china. Its design is a little plain for my taste. Brian isn’t the floral type I guess. The china was creamy Irish Baleek with just a hint of pale green inside the cups.

“His grandmother had china like this.” Joan said. She placed both hands around the cup to keep it steady a she sipped her tea. Her eyes were dreamy and looked far into the past. “She would use it when we came for Christmas dinner. I’m surprised Brian remembered. He must have been six or seven when she died.”

Gus offered her the plate of cookies. “Justin made these cookies grandma. Do you want one?”

“Thank you Gus.” She said and took a cookie.

Justin had poured Gus a cup of tea. He’d added some cool water to it so that it wouldn’t be as strong or as hot. Gus cautiously sipped it. Justin kept a straight face when Gus’ nose wrinkled at the taste. “Justin, does herb tea always taste like this?”

“Different teas have different tastes. This one is chamomile and is good for someone who wants to sleep.” 

“Its(IT’S) very good Justin,” Joan Kinney said. “What brand do you use?”

“It’s actually something I’ve made up. We don’t live in our home in the country now, but I do have a herb garden there. It’s completely wild and free of any pesticides. Anything that I can’t grow there, I buy at the Herbalist on Brockton Street.”

“Why don’t you live in your home?” she asked.

“Since our parents died, Molly and I find it too painful to live there. Someday we’d like to fill it with new memories. But for now, we stay away.” Justin looked at Gus who was listening avidly. “You would like it there Gus. There’s lots of room for little boys to run around and play. There’s even a real tree house. Molly and Daphne and I had our own exclusive club. We even spent nights sleeping in the tree house.”

“That sounds scary.” Gus said. “Was it really dark?”

Joan laughed. “It’s always dark in the country Gus. There are no street lights, only the moon and stars to light up the night. But it isn’t really scary when you know where you are.”

“You sound like you’ve spent time in a rural area.” Justin said with a smile. He poured her another cup of tea and added some to Gus’ cup as well.

“I grew up on a farm.” Joan said “I only moved to town when I was in high school. It was a big change for me. That’s where I met Jack, Brian’s father. He was a senior in the high school and I was a very scared and shy freshman.”
“Is Jack my grandpa?” Gus asked. His father had never really talked about his parents and even though Gus wasn’t very old, he was curious. Other children had lots of brothers and sisters and family members. He had only a few family members and they were all kind of strange.

“Yes, your grandfather’s name was Joseph Kinney, we called him Jack. He died a few years ago. May he rest in peace.”

“Why should he do that mother? He certainly made life hell for me. I think he deserves to spend an equal amount of time with his good buddy the devil.” Brian stood in the doorway. Justin had to wonder how long he’d been there. He hadn’t heard the other man come in.

“Hey Brian.” Justin stood up and impulsively kissed Brian’s cheek. He let his hand rest on the small of Brian’s back. He could feel the other man quivering. Under the pressure of his hand Brian slowly returned to normal.

Gus had stood up too. “Hi daddy, Justin and I decided, no mean words around grandma. You have to stick to the rules.” He stood with his hands on his hips. “I love you daddy.” He thought he’d try some of Justin’s love medicine. “Grandma was telling us stuff. She’s really cool.” Gus figured he’d give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

“Mrs. Kinney, you look sleepy. I’ll take the tea tray back to the kitchen. You said you wanted to rest.” Justin walked over and put all of the cups on the tray. Before he picked it up, he kissed her forehead and whispered. “Give him some time.” She smiled gratefully up at Justin and settled down on the bed. Her eyes shut so that she didn’t have to see the coldness in her son’s eyes. 

Gus tip toes over and kissed his grandmother’s cheek. He tucked the rabbit in with her. “Have a good nap with the rabbit grandma.” He said before picking up the plate of cookies and following Justin out of the room.

Brian stood for a moment looking at his mother. The robust and fiery tempered woman he knew was hidden under a pale mask as she pretended to sleep. Not saying another word, he turned on his heel and left the room, though he did carefully and quietly shut the door behind him.

Brian turned from the door. Justin and Gus were in the kitchen. Justin had filled the sink and he was carefully washing the dishes. “Hey Brian” he turned and smiled. “I thought tea tasted better in china. I hope you didn’t mind.”

“That’s why I have the stuff. So it can be used.” Brian said. “Though I don’t use it often” he admitted. He picked up a cup and turned it over in his hands. “I love the fragility of the stuff and the color is amazing.” He turned and saw Gus taking another cookie. “Gus you have to eat your dinner, so don’t load up on cookies.”

“It’s just one daddy.” Gus did look a bit guilty and Brian suspected he’d had many more than ‘this one’. “Justin makes the best cookies. You should get him to teach you how.”

“Why should I learn to make cookies when I have a perfectly good cookie maker living only one floor away.” He kissed the top of Justin’s blond head. “Do you take special orders Sunshine?” he whispered.

Justin giggled. “I’ve been known to.”

“How did everything go? Did you have any problem at the hospital?” Brian asked. He began to put the clean dishes away. He watched Gus look longingly at the cookies on the plate and then head to the television. It was time for his favorite show and even the possibility of another sneaked cookie couldn’t win that contest.

“Everything went fine. That was nice of you to buy your mother some clothes. She was really touched.”

“I didn’t go out and buy anything. It’s all things I had for her for Christmases and birthdays for years. I just unpacked them and put them in the drawers.” Brian turned away from Justin’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the pity he was expecting. “I guess I’m pretty pathetic.”

“No,” Justin said. He put his arm around Brian’s waist and hugged him. “Just a little boy who loves his mother but can’t deal with it right now for a million and two reasons.” He rested his head on Brian’s chest. “It’ll get better Brian, you wait and see.”

Brian stood for a moment, his hands at his side not sure whether he should be pissed at what Justin had said. He realized the truth in the statement though and so he closed his own arms around Justin and they stood there in silence for a few minutes. He sighed. “I suppose I’d better think about what to make for dinner.” Brian reluctantly let his arms fall.

“I have a list of things that your mother should eat and stuff she shouldn’t. The hospital dietician gave it to me. I thought tonight I could make grilled chicken breasts with lightly sautéed veggies.”

“YOU Sunshine?” Brian grinned at him. “I don’t expect you to granny sit AND cook my dinner.”

“I wouldn’t expect it either if I were you.” Justin said with a smile. “But I did prepare everything earlier. The chicken breasts are marinating. The veggies are all cut up. It’s basically a diet high in protein, low in carbs. It will be good for all of you. Though you should make sure that Gus has more carbs than what your mother has. He’s still quite young and needs them. A low carb diet isn’t recommended for children his age.”

“Thank you Doctor Taylor.” Brian smirked.
“On that note, I’ll leave you and your family. Have a good evening.” Justin walked to the door. “Gus I’m going home now.” 

“Do you have to?” Gus whined. He ran over to Justin and hugged him. “I want you to stay.”

“You and your daddy need to spend some time together.” Justin hugged Gus back. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Your grandma and I will pick you up after school.” He looked at Brian. “That’s okay isn’t it? Your mother has to get a few personal belongings at her house. We’ll be close to Gus’ school so we might as well time it for when he gets off.”

Brian was like his son. He really didn’t want Justin to leave. He knew he’d sounded like he wanted him gone, but he didn’t feel that way. He could hardly go back now though. “That’s fine Justin. You don’t have to, but I do appreciate it.”

“Can we go to the diner with grandma?” Gus said. He remembered his after school visit.

Brian rolled his eyes - that would be a treat for Justin. Taking his bitch of a mother into the gay headquarters of Liberty Avenue. “Justin will be busy… he began.

“We’ll have to see how your grandma feels.” Justin interrupted Brian. He knew what the older man was going to say. But it was time Joan Kinney faced the realities of life and that included her gay son and the people he knew and the places he went. “Good night Brian.” Justin looked over at the man he was falling in love with. Had fallen in love with, let’s face it. He smiled once more before he let himself out the door. Shutting the heavy steal door, Justin leaned back against it willing himself to breathe. He would have loved to stay with Brian and Gus and yes, even Joan Kinney. But he knew that Brian needed time to adjust to having his mother living with him without someone watching. Closing his eyes for a moment Justin stayed still, the cool metal biting into his back. He was savoring the memory of that light kiss Brian had given him. He knew he could now relate to a high school girl with her first love. He laughed silently and then walked down the stairs to his apartment.

Justin wasn’t surprised to see Molly and Daphne sitting in his living room waiting for him. “Spill, tell us everything.” Daphne said with a laugh. “We heard Brian come home.”

“Everything was fine. Gus and I went to the hospital; we picked up Mrs. Kinney and brought her back to the loft. We had tea, Brian came home, and I left. End of story.” Justin opened the fridge and took out a cold bottle of beer. He looked inside. “Who drank all the cranberry juice?” 

“We made crantini’s” Molly said with a giggle. “You need to buy more cranberry juice and oh yeah, vodka.”

“I think the stairway might not have been such a good idea.” Justin teased. He sat on the sofa between the two girls and swallowed half the bottle of beer. He favored them with a rude belch which made the two girls giggle. Justin turned and put his head on his sister’s lap and his feet on Daphne’s. “I’ve had an exhausting day girls. What have the two of you been up to?”

“I’ve had to work with your Mr. Kinney. He expects miracles, that guy.” Daphne said with a moue. “We were in meetings all morning and he didn’t even want to break for lunch. I don’t think the man ever eats.”

“Well I guess you told him that a growing girl needs to refuel.” Justin said with a laugh as he tried to take another sip of his beer while lying down.

“Actually when my stomach made rude noises for about the tenth time, he got the hint and sent out for sandwiches. He eats the grossest sandwich. It’s so dry I’m surprised he doesn’t choke on it.”

“Let me guess, turkey on whole wheat, hold the mayo.” Justin’s memory had always been superb and he remembered the lunch at the diner.

“That’s it. He about had a cat fit when I ordered a double meatball sub with a chocolate shake.”

“Dieting today are you?” Justin snerked. “Ouch” Daphne had tweaked his toes.

Molly was busying herself making dozens of tiny braids in Justin’s hair and not paying her brother and Daphne any attention. She said quietly. “Jared called me today.” She sighed and kind of half smiled. “He asked me out again.”

The other two almost missed her words they were spoken so quietly. Justin looked at Daphne who returned his look with a shrug. “So Molly, did you say yes?” Justin asked.

“I said I’d think about it and to call me tomorrow.” Molly answered. She looked at Justin and Daphne, her eyes clouded. “The thing is, I had such a great time when we went out for dinner. And we’ve talked on the phone a couple of times. But what if he only sees the Taylor bank account? What if he’s just using me? I told you I was never going to date anyone ever again.” Two tears rolled down her cheeks.

Justin sat up and put his arm around his sister. “Molly, what happened with Chris doesn’t mean all guys are like that. Jared didn’t strike me as the kind of guy who called the credit bureau before we arrived at the school. You have to learn to trust again. How do you feel about him?”

“I really like him and that’s why I’m afraid.”

“Molly girl, Justin and I will punch out that man’s lights if he does you wrong. Justin’s right, you have to go with your heart on this and trust Jared until he proves otherwise. If you don’t, you and I are going to grow old together with a zillion cats. The neighborhood kids will tell stories about us and plague us on Halloween.”

Justin grinned and Molly smiled. “I’ll call him and tell him I’ll go.” Molly decided.

“You should tell him why you were hesitant.” Justin counseled. “There is no point in starting a relationship out with secrets.”

“Like you’ve told Brian everything about you.” Molly said hotly. “I don’t think so little brother.” Justin was ten minutes younger than Molly and she never let him forget it.

“I’ve told him all the highlights.” Justin defended.

“I bet you have.” Molly stood up rather unsteadily. “I’m going home to phone Jared. Walk me downstairs Daphne?”

“I think we’d better go down the stairs on our bums. Four crantini’s are a lot.” Daphne and Molly sat side by side on the top step and amidst considerable laughing, they slid step by step down the stairs. Justin watched from the top to make sure they made it safely to the bottom. It was too early to go to bed and he needed to be fresh tomorrow, so he didn’t want to go out to a club. Stripping off his shirt and stepping out of his pants, he padded into his studio where he began work on a fresh canvas. He let his artist’s imagination flow as stroke by stroke, Brian appeared nude before him. He had him reclining on a blanket in the meadow near the country house. The whole time he painted, he couldn’t stop smiling. The picture wasn’t complete, but he was tired after three hours of standing there working. 

He picked up his discarded clothes and headed for his bedroom and ultimately his shower.

Standing upstairs by the window and looking out into the shadowed city street, Brian watched as one(BY) my one, the lights in the apartment below were turned off. He could see them reflected in the building across the street. He took a sip of his drink. Only one light remained. He could hear the sounds of the building settling for the night. His mother’s door was closed, no light shone out from beneath it. They had survived their first night together in almost thirteen years. Gus’ door was pulled almost closed, only a small gap showed the night light his son used. Brian looked back out the window. The last light had gone out in Justin’s apartment. Watching for another ten minutes, Brian waited. Though he had no idea what he was waiting for. Maybe for some miracle that Justin would climb the stairs to the loft and let himself inside like some fairy tale prince.

Laughing to himself ruefully, Brian drained his drink and then went to the kitchen to rinse out his glass. He checked that the door was locked and the alarm set before turning out the lights and heading to his bedroom. 

Justin lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. All of Brian’s lights were still on when he’d turned out the last light in his apartment. He’d stopped at the big window in the living room and looked out into the darkness wishing that he was upstairs with Brian.

Brian sat on the side of his bed and stared at the phone. He picked it up and hesitantly punched in numbers that had been burned into his memory. “Mikey.” He all but whispered. 

“Brian, what do you want? I can barely hear you.” Michael covered his other ear trying to obliterate the noise in Babylon.

“Nothing. I’ll call tomorrow.” Brian disconnected. “How do you know if you’re falling in love Mikey” he asked the dead telephone receiver. “How does anyone even know what love is?” He placed the phone on the table beside his bed. When Brian laid his head on his pillow he was sure he would never sleep. The thought of Justin so close to him, yet so far away was filling his mind. The last thing he said to himself before he fell into a deep sleep filled with dreams of blond young men was. “I knew I was falling in love when you touched me.”