Why Some Christmas Balls are Blue “Hey Emmett, let me in. I’ve got food.” Justin stood in front of Emmett’s apartment door and knocked again. “I’m sorry Justin; I’m just not ‘receiving’ today.” Emmett’s voice sounded through the thin door. Justin could tell that his friend was still upset. “That’s okay; I’ll just sit here in the hall and eat it myself.” Justin sat on the floor and leaned his back against the door with as much noise as he could to make his point. There was silence inside the apartment and then Justin could hear footsteps approach. “Justin are you really out there?” Emmett’s voice was almost timid. “No.” Justin said. “Brat” but Emmett opened the door carefully. Justin still ended up sprawled at his feet. “Why can’t you just take no for answer?” Emmett asked. “If I even acknowledged the word no – Brian and I would never have gotten together.” Justin grinned at him. “It just isn’t in the receiving end of my vocabulary.” He picked himself up off of the floor and handed Emmett the pizza box. “I got double everything.” He boasted, the guy making them was a club member.” “I don’t really feel like eating” Emmett said though he opened the large pizza box and began to pick off the mushrooms and eat them. “Hey this is really good.” “I love their pizzas and Brian never lets me get the good ones. We only get the veggie ones with no cheese.” “What’s the point of that?” Emmett asked. He handed Justin a plate and a piece of paper towel for a napkin. “Exactly” Justin said. “What the fuck is the point.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out two bottles of beer. “Want one of Brian’s imported beers?” he grinned at Emmett. “They’re still cold.” “Brian is going to be sooooo pissed at you. I heard him say that he waited almost three months for this to come in.” Emmett giggled and removed the top. He took a deep swallow. “You know for a five dollar beer, it tastes like Bud.” “That’s what I thought too.” Justin agreed. “Brian doesn’t like me commenting on his taste or lack there of in beer.” “When’s his majesty returning to the Pitts?” Emmett was now on his second piece of pizza. He turned the television on with the remote. “He says maybe at the end of next week.” Justin stared at the show. “Hey Em, that’s porn.” “I know, isn’t it cool. I have a friend who did some adjustments to my satellite package and now I get Pridevision from Canada. On Thursdays and Saturdays they have gay porn on for four whole hours.” “What about say Wednesdays and Fridays?” Justin asked. “Lezzie porn.” They looked at each other “Eeeeewww” they said in unison and then giggled. “I want to go to the mall tomorrow and look for something for Brian for Christmas. Will you come with me Em?” Justin asked. “Is this a pity shop?” Emmett answered. “Because if it is, I just don’t need the grief.” “What’s a pity shop?” Justin was curious. “You know, where you ask me to go with you just to get me out of the apartment and out into the world again.” “Cool idea, but no. I really like shopping with you.” Justin finished his beer and pulled another one from his back pack and handed it to Emmett before getting another for himself. “This beer is a lot stronger than the stuff we usually drink.” Emmett observed. “I mean one beer does not normally give me a buzz.” “It is stronger, that’s why I think Brian likes it.” Justin drained half the bottle he held in his hand and let out a loud belch at the end. Emmett did the same and the two dissolved in giggles. “This night is shaping up much better than I thought it would” Emmett said. Justin moved over on the sofa and snuggled close to Emmett. “Let’s watch the porn.” He said finishing off his bottle of beer and reaching for another. Emmett finished his in order to have a hand free for his new bottle. They snuggled together, the lights turned low to watch the television. “That guy looks a lot like Brian.” Justin observed. “Only I think Brian’s hung a bit better.” “He is? Honey I don’t know, that guy has to have at least nine inches.” Emmett twisted his head to get a better look. “It depends on where you measure from and anyway, the TV guy shaves his balls, it always looks bigger when you shave your balls.” Justin spoke with ‘beer bravado’. “I think that’s just a myth. I mean what does hair on your balls have to do with it and besides, have you ever tried to shave your balls, they go all scrunchy.” Emmett looked around for another beer and Justin handed him one after taking another for himself. “Well, look at them, no hair.” Justin observed. “Maybe they use that stuff that takes hair off women’s legs.” “Oh, I have some of that.” Emmett looked around trying to focus. “Now where did I put it?” “You use hair remover on your legs?” Justin looked at Emmett with interest. “No Michael left it here, he used to use it to control that patch on his chest.” The two friends looked at each other and began to giggle which quickly turned into a full scale laugh. “Why don’t we try it?” Justin suggested. “Brian will be sooooo surprised when he sees me without hair on my balls.” “I don’t know Justin; it might not be good for balls.” Emmett looked back at the television. “Well, these guys have to use it. We’ll do it together.” He got up and wobbled into the bathroom to look for the box of hair remover. “Ta da” he announced. “Here it is.” “What does it say to do?” “I’m not sure, the price sticker is over the writing, but it shows this lady smoothing it on her legs. It must be kind of basic. Put it on, wait for a few minutes, wash it off and voila, no hair.” Emmett was trying to focus on the writing that was uncovered but the words kept blurring. Justin took the package from him, but had even less success. “Okay, pants off, I’ll do you, you can do me.” Justin said as he whipped his sweats down. Emmett followed quickly. “Damn it honey, that stuff is cold.” Emmett complained. “My balls will be tiny little raisins.” Justin giggled. “I’ll use less cream that way.” He threw himself back on the sofa, “Okay my turn.” Emmett smoothed the cream over Justin and then for good measure outlined his pubes so they were heart shaped. Both of them wiped their hands on a towel that Emmett grabbed from the kitchen. They drank another beer before the feel of the cream began to sink in. “This stuff is not feeling too great.” Justin was the first to notice. He ran into the bathroom and tried to wipe it off with a face cloth, but quickly realized the shower was the way to go. Emmett was right behind him. Half an hour later they were back on the sofa, both of them too sore to put their pants back on, both of them sitting awkwardly with their legs apart as they drank the last of the beer. “What are we going to do?” Justin asked. “I can’t move. I’ve never had a rash this bad in my life. I’m not sure if it’s stinging or itching and it sure as fuck looks terrible. Brian’s going to kill you.” “Me, he’s going to kill me?” Emmett squealed. “It was your idea. And I’m in just as bad a shape as you.” he reached for the phone. “I’m going to call Michael and see if he knows what happened.” “Don’t tell him what we did, just kind of ask casually.” Justin did not need Michael to know what shape they were in. “Hey Michael” “Hi Emmett, what do you want?” “Can’t a friend just call to talk?” “It’s eleven thirty Emmett, kind of late for a chat.” Michael looked over at Ben who shrugged his shoulders. “I was cleaning out the bathroom closet and noticed that box of hair removal stuff. Do you still want it?” “Shit no, that stuff gave me the worst rash I’ve ever had. It took me weeks to get rid of it. I thought I’d die of old age before it went away. It was my own fault, the package says to test a small patch on your skin, I was just too impatient. Throw it out.” “So Michael, what did you use to get rid of the rash?” “I don’t know, some stuff from the drugstore, or maybe I went to the clinic. It’s been a long time Emmett, I can’t remember.” “Well, it’s been nice talking to you. I’ll catch up with you later.” Emmett hung up the phone, miserable. He looked around for Justin but couldn’t find him. “Justin where are you?” he called. “In here, it’s the only relief I can find.” Justin was in the bathroom sitting in a tub of water. “Move over, I’m getting in.” Emmett said and the next thing he was at the other end. “We can’t stay in here forever.” Justin observed after two hours. The water had long ago gone cold. “I’m freezing to death. My balls are numb from the cold.” He stood up only to sit right back down again. “Cold is good.” He observed. “I think I can move.” Emmett said and he stood up gingerly. “I’m not in as bad a shape as you.” “Yeah, well it figures, I’m allergic to damn near everything, why not this shit.” Justin’s voice was bitter. “You can’t stay in there all night.” Emmett looked at his friend he started to giggle. “Well you know, you did accomplish something tonight.” “And that was?” Justin grumbled. “You’ve made all my other troubles seem insignificant and you made me laugh.” Emmett chuckled as he dried off. “A nice little sprinkle of baby powder and I’m as good as new.” He admired his powdered balls in the mirror as Justin choked on the residual powder floating down to him. “See my dick does look bigger. I think I’m going to do this all the time.” “Emmett, slight problem here, I can’t get out of the water.” Justin looked down at his now blue and purple shriveled but hairless balls. Justin’s cell phone rang and Emmett hurried out to get it. “Hi Brian,” Emmett said. “Justin’s in the bathtub, I’ll take the phone to him.” He walked into the bathroom and handed Justin the phone. “It’s your prince charming.” “Where are you?” Brian demanded. “I just got home and you aren’t here.” “Emmett told you where I was, I’m in the bathtub at his place.” Justin sighed. This wasn’t good. Brian would be horny after his trip and not pleased with Justin’s condition. “Come home now.” Brian demanded. “I’m horny and I missed you.” “There’s a bit of a problem. I can’t get out of the bathtub.” Justin choked back a sob but not before Brian heard it. “Did you fall?” Brian was already pulling his jacket on and reaching for his keys to head over to Emmett’s “No,” Justin said. “But I huuuuurt.” And he started to cry; thanks to the many bottles of beer he’d consumed not to mention his sad balls. Justin handed his phone back to Emmett. “Brian, when you come, could you stop at the drugstore for some diaper rash crème?” Emmett asked before he carefully hung up the phone. He sat on the edge of the tub waiting for Brian and rubbing Justin’s back. “So Justin, what should we do for fun the next time you come over?”