Endings and Beginnings 

Chapter 2 

Babylon was crowded that evening. The five men held their usual position at the bar with Ben deciding to join the fray for the evening. Michael stayed wrapped around Ben’s side fending off the typical advances of other man. He noticed that Brian was very quiet. He watched the man as he stepped away from the bar and made his way up to the catwalk. He appeared to be cruising for a trick as he stared down at the dance floor. Michael unwrapped himself from Ben giving his partner a meaningful glance before following his best friend. Ben of course understood. He’d watched as Michael had worked to help Brian find his way over the last three years. He was merely grateful that they had all managed to survive the first year. 


Michael moved up silently to stand beside the man. He followed the hazel gaze trying to figure out which man his friend was singling out at the moment. 


“See anyone you like?” He asked smiling over at his friend. 


“Slim pickings.” Brian joked his eyes never leaving the display before him. 


“Why even pretend Brian?” Michael asked leaning over the rail trying to get Brian to at him. He needed to see the man’s eyes. It was the only way he could really tell what the Brian was thinking. 


Brian surrendered as he turned to face his friend a sarcastic smile playing on his lips. “What would I be pretending for Mikey?” He took a drag on the long neck he was holding. A man who was about Brian’s age slowly walked past the two men making sure to brush against Brian’s thigh and rake his eyes appreciatively over his lean body. 


“He’s at his mother’s. Mom called Jennifer after she read the paper today. Justin’s there.” He shouted over the beating of the music. 


Brian shrugged keeping his eyes on the man who had just walked past them. He smirked in Michael’s direction then followed his next conquest. Michael watched as Brian disappeared. A part of him was relieved that he didn’t want to see Justin. He had watched Brian over the last three years struggle to get his life back together after Justin had walked out on him. Personally he doubted he would ever have forgiven Justin but Brian had somehow. Michael had learned this shortly after the blonde had walked out on his friend. A solid right to his eye had settled the matter of where Justin ranked in Brian’s life. He’d suspected that Brian loved Justin and that punch as blinding as it had been had also served to open his eyes to depth of Brian’s feelings for the younger man. He had never explained exactly what had occurred between them but Brian had made it clear that he never wanted Justin’s name slandered in his presence again. Michael at times had bitten his tongue bloody but he had managed to respect his friend’s wishes. 


In the back room Brian pushed the man away from him. He had no intention of finishing what he had started. Ever since this morning all he had been able to think about was Justin. He wondered what the man was thinking and feeling. He wondered what it was like to lose someone you loved. He was finally able to admit that he did in fact know a bit about what that felt like. But even after he had lost Justin, he had always had the power to see him again if he wished. Even all these years later, Brian could have found out where Justin lived, gotten his phone number, gone for a visit. That was the difference now. Justin would never see Ethan again. He would never hear his voice or feel his arms around him. The man was gone. The man who had stolen Justin’s heart, a heart that had once belonged to Brian, was out of the picture. 


Over the last year Brian had had several moments where he had actually fantasized about charging in and reclaiming the man’s affections. He had never been able to shake the deep almost instinctive sense that he and Justin were destined for one another. Since the night of the Rage party there had been a huge gaping hole inside of the man and he wondered if Justin felt the same chasm as well. 


Brian knew that Justin would need time now. It was a devastating blow. It was possible that Justin might never recover from this loss. That thought caused Brian’s breath to freeze in his chest. He wouldn’t think about that. He could give Justin time. He could somehow try to lend platonic support and encouragement. But he couldn’t consider the possibility of there never being another chance for them. He had to find a way to start over with the young man. He would do it right this time. How many times had gone over all the missteps they had both made that last year that they had been together? How many times had he hoped for a chance to correct those mistakes? He hated his good fortune to come at such a high cost, but he knew to walk away from this opportunity would make him a fool. 


Getting into his jeep he quickly checked his messages. There had been two from Lindsay to remind him that he was going with them to the funeral. Brian had contacted PIFA to learn if a memorial fund had been established at the school in Ethan’s name. He had opted for a large contribution as well as suggesting that a wing in the new music hall be named for the man. Another sizeable contribution had bought the man’s approval. Brian wasn’t sure why it was so important that this man be honored. After all he had cheated on Brian sleeping with Justin behind his back, yet Brian felt an urgent need to insure that the man was remembered. Maybe it was out of guilt or perhaps just respect for someone who had been able to give Justin the kind of love and happiness that he hadn’t been able to. Brian refused to consider his motives too closely. 


Tomorrow he would see Justin. Brian felt an odd combination of both excitement and fear at that thought. He wondered what he would say to Justin when he saw him tomorrow. It would be awkward. He hated awkward. Perhaps they wouldn’t speak at all. Perhaps Justin would avoid him. Brian wondered again if should back out of going to the service. 


‘Just be his friend.’ He reminded himself as he parked in front of his building. He hoped that Justin would give him the chance to prove that he could be his friend. Realizing how much losing someone you love can hurt Brian knew that Justin would need all the support he could get. All he wanted was a chance to give what support he could lend. 


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Justin had arrived early at the university chapel. He had needed to get away from Ethan’s parents and sister for a few moments. The animosity Ethan’s parents felt towards Justin was obvious now that their son was no longer around to hold it in check. Justin found it exhausting as he tried to remain as calm as possible for his son. He stepped toward the front of the room and examined the canvas that sat upon an easel at the center of the room. It was portrait that Justin had done of the young man only months before adored. Justin tried not to think about the fact that the beautiful smile and sparking eyes that he saw laughing at him from the canvas were now deep beneath the cold ground. 


Justin had respected the Gold’s religious customs and understood why they had decided to go ahead with the burial while he was still recovering in the hospital. As much as he understood though logic did nothing to ease the itch the young man felt to reach out one last time and touch his lover’s soft brown hair or smooth fair skin. He paused for a moment reigning in his emotions. He couldn’t afford the luxury of feeling for the moment. He had too much ahead of him. 


Justin took a deep breath trying to steady himself. It felt odd to be back at PIFA and not see Ethan, to not hear his laughter, or his music. He ached to touch him one last time, to tell him that he had loved him, to thank him for loving him back. That moment though would forever elude him. It was just one of the many realities Justin would have to learn to accept. 


Along the front of the chapel he found a long row of stones. Student who had no doubt heard of the young prodigy and come to show their respect had left these stones. Fans and worshipful admires of a man whose talent had lit up the skies and now was lost forever. There was also a plaque on a smaller easel behind and to the left of the portrait. 


His curiosity peaked he moved to the plaque and bent low so that he could read the inscription. His lips trembled up into a small smile as he realized it announced the dedication of a wing in the new music building in Ethan’s name. An envelope he found taped to the back of the plaque revealed the donor’s identity. Thee card simply stated, “The Liberty Diner Gang.” 


‘Brian’ He thought. It had to be Brian. Only he would have thought to do something so profound and lasting. It was perfect, but then it would have been coming from him. He had always had the style and taste that Justin always felt he was lacking. 


“Justin?” Jennifer’s voice pulled him back as he replaced the card and turned to see her. She was making her way to the front of the chapel. “Stephen is looking for you.” She smiled. Justin nodded. She came up placing her hand around his shoulders and pulling him towards her. He leaned into her searching for the strength he knew he would need to get through the next few hours not to mention the next twenty years. 


“How are Martha and Abe?” Justin asked hoping he had successful veiled his heightened anxiety at having them so near. They had tolerated Justin’s presence in their son’s life for Ethan’s sake, but now that he was out of the picture Justin was able to see with perfect clarity the depth of their resentment and loathing towards him. It added to his grief. Now Stephen would truly have only one grandparent. He was thankful for his mother but at the same time felt the loss for his son. 


“They are quiet but that is to be expected. I think Stephen has eased their pain some. He is such a joy.” Her voice broke a bit and Justin smiled over at her. 


“Yes he is.” Justin admitted. He was grateful that the Gold’s feelings didn’t seem to be directed at Stephen. They hadn’t really had much contact with Stephen since he was born. Ethan’s sister Rachel had volunteered to give Ethan and Justin their chance at having a family. She had donated not only her egg but also her body for nine months. Justin had yet to notice any resemblance between Stephen and his mother but knew over time it would surely be obvious. She had loved Ethan almost as much as Justin had in fact maybe even more. She and Justin had always gotten along and had enjoyed giving 
Ethan a hard time over his ‘genius complex’ as they called it. 


“Rachel seems to be enjoying her time with Stephen as well.” Justin nodded. “She is with him now. She is hurting that is obvious but trying hard to be there for her folks and you dear. “ Justin nodded again not trusting his voice. It was all just too much. Ethan was gone, the Gold’s were merely tolerating his presence, his sister-in-law was putting herself in the middle trying to protect he and his son from any hurtful comments her parents wanted to say. 


Justin knew that he needed to find time to see Rachel alone before she flew out again later this evening. He hoped that perhaps they could remain in touch. She had never really shown any interest in Stephen but Justin suspected that one day his son would want to meet his mother. He wanted her to know that he hoped that she would remain a part of their lives. Just one more thing on his ‘To Do’ list, how was he ever going to get it all done? 


He linked his arm with his Mom’s. “How am I going to get through this?” He asked a single tear finding its way down his cheek as he ran his other hand along the side of the first pew. 


“I don’t know sweetheart, but I know that you will. I’m here.” She released his arm and turned cupping his face. 


“I miss him” Justin whispered his voice thick with emotions. 


“I know. “She nodded and brought him into a tight hug. 


“I better go check on Stephen and the Golds.” He smiled weakly and started down the aisle. Jennifer watched him retreat as she took a deep breath. She would be there for him, but wasn’t sure it would be enough. The pain in his eyes made her wonder if anything would ever be enough. 


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Michael waved discreetly to Brian, Lindsay, Melanie and Gus as they entered the chapel. Brian nodded and ushered this companions toward the rest of the Liberty Diner Gang who had positioned themselves very close to the front. They would be a mere three rows behind the family. Brian usually was more comfortable sitting in the back at these sorts of affairs but was feeling too nervous to object as Lindsay led them forward. 


He wasn’t sure why he felt so nervous but he did. He hadn’t seen Justin since he’d confronted him in the backroom. It had not been a pleasant moment for either of them. Justin had been so full of anger and Brian had launched the one weapon that he knew would strike home. He’d basically insinuated that the young man had meant nothing more to him that a piece of blonde boy ass. Even now the words felt like acid on his tongue. He could still remember the look of hurt and shock in those baby blues that night. It was as if he had punched the blonde in the stomach. 


They had made a point not to run into each other after that. Shortly after Ethan accepted the management deal, he and Justin had moved to New York City which had made it easier for Brian and Justin to avoid each other. He had heard that Justin had come back a few times to see his mother and sister and had learned just yesterday that Melanie and Lindsay had seen him, but as far as he knew Ted, Michael, Ben, Emmett and Deb hadn’t seen him in years either. 


Everyone gave each other a sympathetic smile as they were seated. Lindsay settled Gus down in the pew between she and Melanie giving him a pencil and some paper to keep him busy during the service. Brian watched his son begin to scribble furiously on the paper. The sound of the furious scribbling sending him back to private moments in his loft silently watching another artist as he frantically worked to perfect a rendering. 


The sound of a single violin brought his eyes suddenly up to focus on a small man standing next to an easel at the front of the chapel. The musician was blond unlike the violinist his music was meant to honor. Brian’s eyes fell to the portrait of Ethan. It was wonderful. He seemed to be laughing and Brian wondered for a moment what Justin had said to get the man to laugh that way. The portrait was breathtaking in its beauty. The boy had had talent and obviously it was still increasing in power. 


The side door of the chapel opened and Brian felt his breath catch as he mimicked everyone else rising to his feet. A man of medium height, dark hair nice suit entered followed by a smaller woman of similar coloring. They were obviously Ethan’s parents. The resemblance was there. They were followed by a woman in her late to early thirties carry a young child. His coloring was strikingly different to that of either the woman’s or the older couple. Brian assumed the child must belong to the woman. He waited for her husband to emerge from the door. To his surprise the next person entering the chapel was Justin. He looked older and had grown into a truly striking man. His shoulders were broader and his face seemed a bit more sculptured but still he had that boyish innocence that Brian had always been drawn to. He didn’t look back at the group instead he seemed to be concentrating on the musician who was filling the chapel with strains of yet another classical piece. Brian wondered briefly if it was the piece that Ethan had played for him when they had first fallen in love. Jennifer Taylor entered last with Molly falling in behind her. Once the family was in place the rest of those gathered were seated. 


A man rose and made his way to the pulpit. He nodded to the family and then turned to face the rest of those assembled. 


“Today we are gathered to remember a remarkable man whose talent touched each of us and whose life stands as an example of the importance of seizing life and love with the enthusiasm of one who doesn’t assume that tomorrow will come but instead cherished his today honoring his yesterdays.” 


As the man’s voice droned on Brian found himself unable to pull his eyes from Justin’s back. He watched the young man as he physically steeled himself. There was a slight straightening of the shoulders and uplifting of the head that Brian had come to recognize as a sign of determination to endure in the man. 


He noticed that as the man started speaking that the small blond boy had squirmed out of his mother’s arms and had snuggled instead into Justin’s lap. Brian hadn’t been surprised since he had watched Justin with Gus and knew that he had a natural way with children. He did find it a bit irritating that Ethan’s sister would ignore the other man’s grief and allow her son to distract him from the ceremony meant to honor his lost partner. 


He watched as the little body made its way up Justin’s body finally laying his tiny head along Justin’s shoulder wrapping his little arms around Justin’s neck. It was a touching sight and Brian found his heart beating a bit faster watching it unfold. It was then that the little boy chose to raise his head and look back. His gaze immediately fell on Brian’s face. Brian’s breath caught. The resemblance was overwhelming. He was looking into Justin’s face when he had been a small child. 


“Hi.” The little boy whispered smiling brightly to the Liberty Diner Gang. Brian noticed that all those on the pew with him had been watching the boy as well and had all offered up their own greeting to him in reply. They had been quiet in their response either with a wave or a smile or a mouthed hello. Well all but Gus who had immediately recognized the boy from a previous play day and had struggled across Lindsay’s lap into Brian’s and called out “Stephen.” 


The boy’s smile widened as he recognized Brian’s son. “Gu Gu Gussssss” He started chanting hopping slightly with each syllable. Justin pulled the boy back so that he could see his face. He whispered something quietly and hugged the child. The little boy smiled once more to Gus then returned his head to Justin’s shoulder his smile never fading. 


Brian quietly asked Gus to sit back down and be quiet until the service was over. Gus nodded and crawled back over Lindsay to his art work. As Brian looked back up he caught Jennifer Taylor’s eye. She had looked back to see what had captured her grandson’s attention. Brian pressed his lips together and gave her a quick nod. Jennifer returned the nod. As she turned her attention back to the speaker she raised her arm up and around Justin’s shoulders. Brain noticed Justin’s shoulders relax at her touch. Brian was glad that Justin wasn’t alone. He was glad that he had his mother to comfort him. 


He caught himself watching the little boy again. Justin has a child. He has a son. A child that he had with Ethan, it was so much to process. Justin and Ethan had a family. They were a family. Now Justin is a widower with a child. He is 22 and a father and alone. Somehow the existence of the child made the whole situation that much more tragic. Brian swallowed hard realizing that he had no idea what to say to this man. He had no idea what to say to this man that he had loved and lost because he had refused to admit that he loved him. Three simple words stood between them. But Justin had found another, built a life with that man, only to have it torn to pieces three short years later. 


So much had happened in Justin’s young life. Brian longed to wrap his arms around the beautiful blond and keep him safe. He wanted to find a way to protect him so that no one could or would ever hurt him again, but as he stared at the portrait on the casket he found himself bitterly remembering how many times he had been the very one who had hurt Justin the most. 


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