Endings and Beginnings Chapter 6 It was pitch black when Brian woke. He reached out but Justin wasn’t there. He sat up and searched the room by the dim light coming from the window. He rose stepped down the steps into the main area. He immediately spotted the younger man silhouetted against the window. He was sitting in a chair with his back to Brian. The light from the window showed that he had a blanket draped around himself and Stephen. Stephen was sitting in his lap drinking from a cup. “Midnight snackers eh?” Brian said kneeling behind the chair. His voice startled Justin and caused him to jump at the sound. He looked over his shoulder smiling in embarrassment. Stephen peered around as well causing Brian to laugh, like father like son. “What’s up?” Brian asked wrapping his arms around Justin’s chest as the blond stared once more out the window. “Just thinking that’s all.” He sounded tired and distant. “Don’t you think maybe sleeping would be better?” Brian offered. Justin just shook his head. He couldn’t sleep. He heard the tires in his sleep. He saw the look on Ethan’s face when he closed his eyes. Ethan had known. His partner had realized a split second before the cars impacted that he wouldn’t survive. It was all coming back to Justin now with greater clarity than before, each and every horrible second of that night. It was the longest minutes of his life. He could still feel the enormous chasm that stretched between his seat and Stephen’s in the back. It felt as if Stephen had been miles away. Justin knew that he was powerless to protect either of the men in his life. He had no time. Ethan was fighting the wheel trying to control the vehicle. Justin had nothing to do but sit and watch and record every tragic moment. He could watch in horror as the headlights grew closer, finally blinding him as everything turned from bright white to sudden darkness. “I’m not tired. Stephen was thirsty. I was trying not to wake you.” He continued to look out the window. He wanted Brian to go back to bed. He wanted him to stay and comfort him. He wanted Ethan to be alive. He wanted to go back three years and make a different decision. Stephen looked up at him at that thought. ‘Sorry.’ Justin thought. ‘If I’d stayed with Brian I wouldn’t have you.’ He couldn’t imagine his life without his little buddy boy. He was everything to him. He was the first person ever to love him and accept him completely. He hugged the boy tighter. “Come back to bed Justin.” Brian stated rising to his feet and reaching out to him. “No I’m going to stay up for awhile. I have a lot to figure out.” Brian wondered what was so interesting outside the window. He looked for himself and saw nothing unusual. He knew that Justin was looking for answers, but he wouldn’t find them out there. “Can I help?” Brian asked coming around to sit on the window sill blocking his view for a moment. Justin’s gaze rose to meet Brian’s. Brian was struck by the emptiness in his eyes. “Wanna talk?” He offered. “No I’ve said more that enough.” Justin looked down again. He felt guilty for all that he had confessed. He had told Brian all the secrets from his marriage. He had aired all of their laundry without any regard for Ethan’s feelings. He would have been furious. He would have been hurt and he would have had every right to be. “Justin—“ Brian started. “Just go to bed.” Justin cut him off a little abruptly. “You can’t grieve for me Brian. I have to do this by myself.” He continued to stare straight ahead. “We had our problems but I miss him. It feels odd talking about him to you. I feel like I am cheating on him just like I cheating on you with him three years ago. Either way it is always me cheating on someone, betraying their confidence, and it just feels so messed up.” Stephen turned dropping his cup to the floor and immediately moved to his Father’s shoulder to rest. Justin bent to retrieve the cup but Brian beat him to it. “You think he would let me lay down with him?” Brian asked reaching for Stephen. “I don’t know.” Justin pulled the boy back as Brian reached for him. Stephen hesitated for a moment then went to him resting his head willingly against Brian’s neck. It felt so good to have him there. Brian had forgotten how wonderful it was to have a little toddler in his arms. Gus was growing up too fast. He missed these days already. Brian squeezed Justin’s shoulder once then turned and made his way back to the bed. He laid down for a moment grateful that he had put on his underwear earlier. He held the boy for a moment and then heard his breathing deepen and knew he was asleep. It was easy to comfort a baby. All they needed was a hug to make everything alright. He drifted off to sleeping wishing that that he could give Justin what he needed but Brian knew that the blonde needed time and no matter how much he wanted to, Brian could do nothing to speed up the days, weeks and months that were coming. ************************* “No sachew.” Stephen shook his head as Brian attempted to feed him one more bite of bananas. “Polite will get you no where with me Sunny Boy. Open up.” Stephen got a very concerned look on his face seeing that his charms were not going to work on this man. He looked around for his Father then back at the serious face of the man feeding him. “Daddy?” He asked looking around. “Nope not here right now. I’m what you got. Now open up.” He watched as the bottom lip came out. He had to steel himself to keep him smiling. He had seen that same expression on Justin’s face so many times. Looking up into the baby blues now starting to fill with tears he decided to take another tack. Reaching for the boy’s foot he began to tickle. The first eruption of laughter he quickly inserted the spoon dumping the bananas with a triumphant cry. Stephen immediately began chewing. After swallowing he opened his mouth again deciding that more bananas might be a good thing after all. Brian shook his head. Taylor’s were a fickle lot. The sound of the loft door opening caught both Brian and Stephen’s attention. Justin entered carrying a paper, two cups and a sack. “You look rested.” Brian stated sarcastically. Justin rolled his eyes. “Shut up or you can’t have any of the latte I brought you.” Brian’s ears perked up at that. Stephen had gotten him up at the crack of dawn. He had been surprised to find that Justin had left. He had forced himself not to worry, after all Justin had been living in New York, he knew all about street smarts by now. In the man’s absence, Brian had played with Stephen, changed his diaper, gotten him some juice and then finally decided to try breakfast on the boy. Justin brought the offering over to him and placed it in his grateful hands. “Thanks for taking care of my buddy boy this morning.” Justin leaned down kissing his enthusiastic son getting a smear of bananas on his cheek in the process. Brian found himself fighting the impulse to lick the fruit from his skin. He caught himself remembering a very memorable ice cream kiss and fought against the sudden urge to grab Justin and have him for breakfast. Justin wiped the banana away innocently and thanked his son. “That must be where he gets it from.” Brian quipped. “What?” Justin asked stepping back to get his cup and bring the sack over. “He was polite as could be the entire time he was insisting that he wasn’t going to eat.” They both laughed with Stephen joining in not understanding but laughing anyway as babies love to do. Justin brought the sack over and opened it. “Stephen, guess what is inside?” He closed it and made a surprised face. He peeked back inside then looked up smiling at his son one more time. Stephen was ready to come out of his skin with anticipation. “What do I have?” Stephen shrieked kicking his feet. Justin took his little hand and placed it inside the bag. Stephen got a confused look on his face then a studious one. He pulled his hand back holding a donut hole. “Um Um Um” He chanted as he attacked it pulling it into his mouth. Justin worked quickly to take it and break it into smaller bites. Brian sat mesmerized by the game which had obviously been played out many times between them during Stephen’s short life. Justin had been right to have a child. He was a natural at it. He wondered for a moment if they had stayed together if they would have had a child. He knew immediately that they wouldn’t have. Justin would have missed so much if things had turned out differently. Brian found some solace in that thought. Maybe things did turn out as they had for a reason. He continued to watch until Stephen reached up offering him a bite. “No sachew.” Brian replied in a sweet yet sarcastic tone. “He doesn’t want it Stephen but that was very sweet of you to offer. You can have it.” Stephen seemed undeterred continuing to offer it to Brian. Brain finally relented and ate the soggy bite. “Sachew I think I will go throw up now.” He said just as sweetly realizing the baby had no idea what he was saying. Justin punched him lightly in the shoulder. “Hey that was an act of love. He adores donut holes. He hardly ever shares. You’re special. “Brian raised his hands in surrender. “I have this strange effect on Taylor men. They just feel compelled to immediately love me.” Justin rolled his eyes. “Yeah but he is half Gold and Ethan thought you were an asshole so be glad the Taylor is winning out or else he’d be peeing in your latte and crapping on your couch.” He laughed at the horrified expression on Brian’s face. Seeing that Stephen had eaten more than enough sugar, Justin began untying the dish towels that Brian had used to hold him in the chair. “Very clever, Kinney.” Justin said admiring his handy work. “It’s in genius.” He smiled finally freeing his sticky boy. “Well I do have my moments.” Justin smiled at him. Brian saw something in his eyes for a moment. It as a fondness he had not seen in a long time. He wondered if he had been remembering something or if it was the love that had never left rising to the surface. It disappeared quickly as Justin turned his attention back to his hopping bundle of goo. “Mind if we borrow your shower?” Justin asked. Brian shook his head and watched as they made their way up into the bedroom. ‘Justin naked in my shower again.’ Brian swallowed hard. He was really trying to hold it all at bay. He was trying to be a friend. He had managed to keep from jumping him in bed the night before so surely he could steer clear of the shower one more time. After all Stephen was in there as well. He looked around his kitchen. The table was fairly covered in banana and sugar. He grabbed a cloth. ‘Work’ He told himself. ‘Work. Don’t think. Don’t think about the naked man in your shower. Work.’ He didn’t hear the water turn off but did hear the giggles coming from his bedroom. Entering he saw Justin with a white towel wrapped around his hips struggling to diaper a rolling Stephen. It was obviously another well practiced game. “You’re good with him Justin. You did the right thing.” It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. Justin looked over and considered his words. “You think so?” He asked placing one hand on Stephen to keep him on the bed. It was all so confusing to him. He remembered all the good times he had had with Ethan but all the emptiness he had felt when he would think about Brian. He knew he was settling but staring down at his son he smiled. “Yeah.” Brian continued. “ I doubt I would have said yes to a baby and you are a natural. You deserve to have a child. If nothing else good came from all the pain. Stephen makes it worth it don’t you think?” He stepped closer leaning down over the bed to tickle the boy. Justin exhaled and smiled watching Brian as he played a tickle game with his son. There was a tenderness that came out in Brian whenever he was around Gus and now he saw this same vulnerability as he played with Stephen as well. It was safe to love these boys. They hadn’t hurt Brian yet and perhaps Brian believed if he played his cards right he would never be hurt by them. It was a vain hope but Justin understood it. Brian seemed so much more mellow than he had been when they had been together. Perhaps the years had taught him a thing or two as well. Brian glanced up at him as Stephen rolled and tried to escape. Justin and he both scrambled to corral the boy. Continuing to admire his son he replied. “Yeah I guess he does make it all worthwhile.” Their eyes met and Brian finally saw a genuine Sunshine smile. ************************ Jennifer was waiting for her son when he arrived. He could feel the tension in the air as he made his way into the kitchen to get Stephen his lunch. Brian had offered to come in and help him, but he had wanted to spare him this very scene he and his mother were about to play out. “I’ll do that.” She began reaching for Stephen. Stephen reached back and Justin allowed her to take him. “How long are you going to stay for?” She refused to meet his eyes. “I don’t know a few days.” He turned to check the refrigerator for food possibilities for his son. He heard his mother’s sigh of relief and smiled slightly to himself. He was glad that his decision had brought her some relief. She had been so supportive of him. She needed a break as much as he did. “You ok with us staying here for a few more days?” He turned eyes meeting hers. She smiled gently. “This is your home. You are always welcome.” She finished attaching the tray on the high chair. “It isn’t my home. I have a home in New York. This is your home, but I appreciate you allowing us to be here.” He replied. It wasn’t rude just firm. It was important that he keep his independence. He felt too shaky at the moment and it was very tempting to just fall down and let his mother or Brian catch him. He couldn’t afford to do that. He wasn’t the only one who had lost someone. Stephen had lost his other Father. He needed Justin to be steady and consistent. He needed him to be both loving and understanding. Justin wasn’t sure where he would find all of those qualities amidst his obvious fatigue but he was sure that he would find them and give them to Stephen if that was what his son needed. It was about being a parent. Parenting wasn’t a life of luxuries but one of responsibility and sacrifice. “You look exhausted.” She stated placing Stephen in the high chair. “Did you get any sleep?” “No I was up most of the night.” He waited for the other shoe to drop. “With Brian?” There is was. He knew she would just have to ask. She really didn’t want to know but yet always managed to ask him anyway. He sighed, feeling his frustration rising within him. “Yeah with Brian.” He got a spoon and then began filling Stephen’s cup with milk. “What were you two----“ “Doing?” He interrupted her. He turned from the counter and stared at her for a moment trying to get a feel for what she was aiming at. “What do you think we were doing?” “I don’t know probably talking right?” She asked wishing she had never gone down this path. She had seen Justin exhausted before having spent the night with Brian Kinney. Those times she had suspected that very little talking had been involved. “No fucking.” He waited for her to look at him. He saw something in her eyes that cut him to the core. She believed him. He shook his head swallowing his disappointment. “We were talking Mother. I just buried my partner. How could you think so little of me?” He sat down and started feeding his son. “It isn’t that I think so little for you it’s just that you and Brian had such strong feelings for each other. I know you must feel vulnerable right now—“ “So is that a Fuck Anyone You Want for Free card that I get for being vulnerable?” He asked his tone icy. She didn’t know what to say. Rising without a word she left. *************************** Brian pulled up in front of Lindsay and Mel’s house. As he knocked on the door he could hear the laughter coming from inside and it reminded him of the tickle game he and Stephen had shared earlier. It brought a smile to his face. Mel opened the door and stood back. “Brian Kinney smiling.” She shouted over her shoulder mockingly. “Call Hell and see if it’s snowing yet.” Brian shot her the finger before pushing past her into the house. “Never mind.” Mel quipped shutting the door and following Brian upstairs into Gus’s room. The laughter continued to grow louder the closer they came to his door. “Hey Brian.” Lindsay greeted him. “Daddy!” Gus sprang from his bed where he and his mother had been reading together. He leapt into Brian’s waiting arms. “Hey Sonny Boy.” He kissed his son on the cheek and released him back to the floor. “This is a surprise. I thought you would be with Justin.” Lindsay asked as Gus climbed back up on the bed. “Nope. He is over at his Mom’s. He is changing his flight to go home to later in the week.” Lindsay smiled knowing it had been a victory for both Brian and Jennifer that Justin was giving himself a few more days. “Does he know what he wants to do?” She asked. “It’s all so much for him to process right now. I watch him and can see the wheels constantly spinning.” Brian leaned about the door frame. Lindsay shuddered shaking her head. “I don’t know what I would do. I can’t imagine. Not just the emotional side of it, but just all the having to take care of business. I would have to find a job, sell the house since I couldn’t afford it on even a full time instructor’s salary, get someone who could keep Gus in the afternoons, sell the unpaid for vehicle—“ Brian interrupted Lindsay’s continuing list. “But you wouldn’t have to do that all in one day.” “Like hell I wouldn’t. In two month I would lose the car and the house and my credit rating. I’d have to have a job to get an apartment then there would be insurance needs for Gus.” “But you’d need time to grieve. “ Brian argued. “Parents don’t always have the luxury of time Brian. Justin has responsibilities. He is not only a widower now but a single father who has been staying home to care for his child. He has little to no work experience and never finished his degree. He is deep shit and I think he knows it.” She sighed shaking her head. Brian noticed Gus sticking out his hand. Lindsay regarded it then rolled her eyes up as if trying to remember something. “What did I say?” She asked. “The ‘S’ word. “ Gus announced. Lindsay reached into her pocket and pulled out a nickel. Gus took the offered coin and pushed past Brian and down the stairs. “What was that all about?” He asked turning back to the blond. “Swear Jar.” She announced. “We are trying to keep it “G” rated in the house.” She rose from the bed and made her way over to Brian. Placing her hand on his chest she looked up into his eyes. “I know you want to fix this for him but I don’t think you can. He is bright and resourceful. He will be ok, but I think the next few months are going to be a little rough.” She said sympathetically. Brian nodded. “That’s why he needs to move back closer to family. He never even wanted to go to New York in the first place. It was that fucking Gold’s idea.” “Dad?” Gus’s voice caught him by surprise. Brian looked down at Lindsay before turning regarding his son who was now standing with his hand out waiting to accept Brian’s coin. Brian reached into his pocket and reluctantly dropped a nickel into Gus’ waiting hand. “The ‘F’ word is a quarter.” Gus said keeping his hand out. ‘Naturally’ thought Brian. ************************* Rachel Gold left her parent’s home more confused than ever. They were all still reeling from the loss of Ethan. It hadn’t even been a full week yet. She stifled a sob. She had to get it together. She had to be able to get back to work in a few days. She had wanted to stay at her parents during the seven days of Shiva but after five she had known it was time to get out of there. In two days she would return to work. She was almost looking forward to it. It had been a very trying time dealing with her parents. They weren’t the easiest people to deal with under the best circumstances but had been unbearable during the last week. It was as if they had no idea that other people were hurting as well. They had leaned on her the heaviest. She had expected them too but still she had found herself missing her younger brother even more because of it. They had always played tag team when it came to their folks, but now she was on her own with the Gold brand of dysfunction. She unlocked her car door and slid behind the steering wheel. She turned to regard the home she had grown up in once more. It had been a pleasant enough home, but definitely a place for winners and not losers. She remembered the endless nagging Ethan had endured when it was learned that he had a special gift for the violin. She had been jealous at first until she had seen what the gift would cost him. She had then felt sorry for the little boy, but had been powerless to help him. When she grew older she had tried to run some interference but had not prevailed very often. Now that sweet dark eyed boy was gone. She felt a tear slide down her cheek. She winced as she remembered the polite tolerance that her parent had treated Justin with at the memorial service. He had been devastated by the loss and yet they had refused to see his pain and expected him to be the man that he looked to be and not embarrass them. They had always kept Ethan’s sexual orientation as much of a secret as possible. They had even asked that Rachel carry Stephen into the service at PIFA in hopes that everyone would think he was hers and not suspect anything unsightly between the young blond man and their son. Rachel hadn’t told Justin why she had been spending so much time with Stephen. She hoped he would just see that she was trying to be supportive. She remembered how pleased her mother had been and elusive when a family friend had asked if Justin was Rachel’s boyfriend or perhaps they had married. Of course Stephen was Justin’s son. Who could look at the beautiful blue eyed, blond boy and not see the resemblance. Justin was a good father. That gave her a great deal of comfort. She had felt odd at first handing the child she had felt kicking inside of her for the last few months over to Ethan and Justin. Ethan had his strong points but she had never seen nurturing or self sacrificing as two of them, but Justin had surprised her. He had immediately adored the baby and totally dedicated himself to Stephen. Pulling onto the interstate she found herself thinking of the night Ethan had called begging her to consider giving them a child. He had sounded so desperate. He “It would be like it was mine and Justin’s.” He had explained. “It would be a real Gold/Taylor creation.” She had smiled at this logic. She had never known that he wanted children but he had been very convincing on the phone. A few weeks later she found herself pregnant with a baby that she would never raise and now she wondered if she would ever see the little boy again. She started at that thought. Surely Justin would allow them to continue to see Stephen. He had been Ethan’s child and more accurately her child too. Could her parent’s have shared her concern? They loved Stephen even if they couldn’t accept the conditions of his creation. They had completely distanced themselves from the entire situation until the baby had been born. They had hoped that he or she would have looked like their son in some way but had been disappointed to find him practically a carbon copy of Justin. But despite their disappointment, they had been unable to resist Stephen’s charm even as a baby though. He had always been so loveable, so easy, so sweet and fun to be around. She remembered the last time she had held him and felt a lump form in her throat. What if that had been the last time she would ever touch him? She needed to talk to Justin. She needed to find out what his plans were. She needed to know how the Gold’s would figure into his life now that Ethan was gone. Stephen was her son too and he couldn’t just assume that she would never want to see him. She hoped he was willing to keep her in Stephen’s life. She would give him the chance to do the right thing on his own and if he refused then she would have to play rough. She hoped that it wouldn’t come to that but as she changed lanes accelerating she resolved that she would do whatever it took to keep her son.