Endings and Beginnings - Book 3 Mouse’s Manifesto First of all I want to express my sincere and deep felt appreciation to each of you for the support you have generously given me over the last couple of weeks. Those messages in no small part helped to get me to the point where I am now able to jump back into the trenches and get EAB where I want it to be. Second of all I want to put forth something in writing that in my opinion has in the past only been an unspoken understanding between a writer and his/her reader. I am back because I love to write. My mind reels then my fingers itch and the next thing I know stories form on pages. To quote Ethan, (please don’t throw any tomatoes), it isn’t me. It comes from some place else. That’s what it feels like anyway. I do feel a responsibility to each of you. I know you willingly volunteer precious moments out of your busy day to travel to this alternate universe I’ve created. But just as I feel a responsibility to you, I feel you have a responsibility to me. It should be a relationship of mutual respect free from the chains of entitlement. That being the case, I’m asking that if anyone reading this has a copy of the original EAB that was distributed against my wishes and without my consent, please destroy it, delete it and if you have read it, forget it. If you are in a group where someone is offering it, please decline and encourage others to as well. It’s an honor system and since I’ve recently been betrayed, I’m taking a chance by trusting you. At the same time I’m asking you to trust me. I wrote the first and I’m writing this version from that manuscript but this one is better. I’m making it better for you. You are just going to have to trust me. I know where this one comes-from in my heart. It’s not the insecure scribblings of a first time writer. It’s with more depth, understanding, and realism. So we begin again. Let’s hope that this fragile beginning will grow into something strong and lasting much like we hope will occur between our favorite characters Justin and Brian. A would like to especially thank Margaret for her suggestion that I take a few days to consider my decision. Lois, who supports and challenges me to see things from everyone’s point of view, and last but not least the amazing members of the Moonshadow Tribe, who in a short time have become very near and dear to my heart. You all know what wonderful writers these individuals are, but trust me they are even more incredible as friends. Thank you again. Humbly Mouse P.S. This chapter will be longer than the others because it is the only thank you gift I have to power to offer as a way of expressing my appreciation for the massive amounts of support and encouragement you all sent my way. Hope you enjoy it. It’s nice to be back on track. Last time: Justin had a talk with Ben after he and Brian had decided that perhaps they would only be friends because of Brian’s inability to give up tricking and Justin inability to include that in their relationship. Michael and Ben have a spat over Michael’s continued interference in Justin and Brian lives and his blind faith in his friend. Brian has a late night conversation with Lindsay. He tries to sort out what it is that he is feeling. Clearly upset that Justin has decided that he can’t accept him as he is, Brian is both angry and hurt. The chapter ends with Justin opening the hotel room door as Brian scrambled under the blanket feigning sleep. Endings and Beginnings Book Three Chapter 7 Justin paused just inside the door listening to the steady breathing that filled the room. He toed off his shoes and quietly removed his jacket. He leaned against the wall for a long moment and sighed deeply. He felt as if a chaotic storm was brewing inside his heart and mind. All the events of the past five years rushed past his eyes as he fought to discern the mistakes from the right moves that he had made. In all the images the only true consistent face seemed to be Brian’s. He’d pursued him, stalked him, won him over then lost him. He’d cheated on Brian, hurt him, and then to add insult to injury he’d left him. He’d stuck it out with Ethan but always in the back of his mind and in the center of his heart he’d known it was all a lie. He would always love Brian Kinney. Slowly he crept over to the pull-out where Brian lay. Justin watched as the pale moonlight dimly lit the man’s body. He knelt down and gazed upon the man as he slept. Unable to resist, he reached up and gently moved some hair out of the man’s eyes. “I love you Brian.” He whispered to the peaceful face and steady breathing. “I’ve always loved you. I’m sorry I can’t go back to how it was. I need more. I’m so sorry.” A soft sob choked the final hushed word from his throat as he leaned forward placing a soft kiss on the man’s forehead. He quietly rose and headed back to his own bed missing the single tear that trailed down the sleeping man’s cheek. Brian’s mind was white knuckled as he fought to maintain the façade of sleep. He heard the sorrow and regret in Justin’s voice and knew that somehow it was more compelling than his own anger and disappointment. Justin wasn’t the scared little twink he’d taken home. He was a man. He was trying to be a man anyway, but being a gay man isn’t always an easy task especially if you are a gay man in love with a self proclaimed asshole. Brian considered Justin’s words as he listened to the sound of the blonde undressing. Justin had always loved him? How could that be when he’d left him? It made no sense and yet Justin hadn’t meant for him to hear the words. There was no point in lying or distorting the truth. There was no advantage gained by making the proclamation. Brian opened his eyes and watched the silhouetted form as it slid in behind Stephen in the king size bed. He’d been through a lot but so had Brian. Brian had survived an abusive father, tyrannical mother and a generally shitty childhood. It had been a nightmare, worse than anything Hollywood had ever cooked up. It had left its scars but he had survived. Looking over at the form under the blanket he realized that Justin was still in the midst of his nightmare. He had scars as well. One in particular haunted Brian’s nights more than any of the others. Justin wanted so much but thinking back that didn’t come as a surprise,he had always wanted more than anyone else. More than wanted, he’d expected it. It seemed like such a small thing to ask. Don’t fuck other men. It should be easy. After all Brian had Justin now and even thought their sex life was nothing like it had been before, the times that they had come together had been the best sex that Brian had had since the blond had walked away three years ago. It seemed so simple. Brian would just stop tricking, but it wasn’t that simple. Brian had tried to stop before, more out of curiosity than anything, but after a few days the drive had grown so strong it had felt like an act of compulsion. His desperation mimicked that of an addict. Brian felt the disturbing dark thought slide into his consciousness. Maybe he was an addict. Maybe he was a sex addict. ************************************* Max was surprised to find Justin and Stephen sitting alone at breakfast. He’d never been able to reach the blonde after he’d disappeared from his room the previous day. Giving a quick glance around the rest of the dining area Max felt relieved that Kinney was nowhere to be seen. Finding this an interesting development he made his way over to the table. “Justin.” Max called as he approached. Justin looked up as he handed Stephen another piece of banana. Max couldn’t miss the tale tail signs of fatigue. “Hey Max.” His voice sounded pleasant but weary. “Have a seat.” He offered moving the morning paper out of Max’s way. “I called but I was never able to reach you yesterday.” Max admitted a note of concern in his voice. “How did it go?” Max asked after a moments hesitation. If he and Justin were indeed going to attempt this friendship thing it was important that he be supportive of the blonde even it that meant enduring endless conversations about Kinney. “Not so good.” Justin admitted. “I don’t think it’s going to work out at least for now.” He softly stated. Max felt his heart leap for joy but remained subdued on the surface. Max noted the disappointment in the man’s tone and decided to change the subject. “So when were you planning on heading to the airport?” He asked. “Our flight leaves around noon.” He offered. “Yeah, I’m pretty much packed. I just need to transfer some things to Stephen’s bag for the flight.” He replied. Max glanced at Stephen and noticed the boy gazing warily back at him. “Well we were seated together. If you would like for Brian to sit in my place, so that you two can talk some more, I’d be happy to exchange seats with him.” Max reached for the carafe of coffee and filled his cup. “No that’s fine. I think it would be best if I sat with you. Brian would need a seat for Gus.” Justin’s voice trailed off hoping Max wouldn’t offer any other solutions. “Besides, with any luck Stephen will sleep and then we can go over some of the ideas I got at yesterday’s program.” Justin smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was going through the motions. It felt as though he had been going through the motions of living in one way or another ever since Ethan’s death. Justin was finding it harder to grasp the energy to keep going and last night hadn’t helped the situation. He had really believed that he and Brian would reach some sort of compromise but they’d failed. When Justin had first awoken this morning, he’d made his way back over to the sofa bed where Brian was still sleeping. He had knelt once more by the man watching him sleep. He’d come so close to giving in and just accepting the open relationship. As painful as it was to watch Brian with other men, surely it was more painful to consider not being one of the men that he was with. In the end Stephen had sounded his infamous alarm cough ending the debate. Justin knew now looking at his son that it would have been a huge mistake. He’d already made so many mistakes with Brian. He couldn’t risk another one. Max seemed to notice Justin’s mental drift and remained quiet allowing the man to sort through whatever feelings he was dealing with. He knew how much Brian meant to Justin. He knew that these would be difficult days for the blonde if what he had just admitted was true and the two men were really calling things off. As much as he wanted to move in quickly and fill that void, Max realized it would be a huge mistake. “If you’re sure.” Max mumbled after a long moment as he turned his attention back to his plate. He picked at the fruit salad he had selected from the buffet, not really hungry but not sure what to say to the man sitting next to him. “I think you’ll like a couple of the ideas.” Justin replied as he reached for a napkin and began cleaning up his son. “A few are over the top but it really got me thinking about branching out into other disciplines.” Max looked over, his curiosity peaked. “I’ll tell you on the plane.” Justin reminded him wanting to have the brochure and information in hand when he pitched his idea. “I suppose Brian will be helping you with your luggage and Stephen.” Max carefully noted the stiffening of Justin’s body at the mention of Brian’s name. He’d missed it earlier but now it was obvious that this subject was off limits. “Or would you rather I help?” He volunteered quickly. “I don’t know.” Justin sounded unsure and hated that he felt as lost as his voice sounded. He wasn’t looking forward to returning to the room. Brian and Gus had been asleep when he and Stephen had headed out for breakfast. Gus was surely awake by now causing Brian to be as well. They hadn’t spoken since “the talk” so Justin wasn’t sure if Brian intended to help him or not. Brian had been so angry. Justin didn’t blame him but certainly didn’t feel strong enough to endure any of his wrath today. “Can I join you?” Justin looked up and was surprised to see Ben. Justin looked around for Michael. Noticing Justin’s reaction Ben continued. “Michael is still in the room.” Justin gave the man an apologetic look before nodding to the empty chair. “Hey Stephen.” Ben tickled the baby under his chin causing Stephen to giggle and push his hand away. Ben laughed as well then turned to Justin. “You look as tired as I feel.” “I guess we’ll have to stop our midnight rendezvous.” Justin teased causing Max’s eyebrow to shoot up as he looked between the two men. Catching the look Ben decided to keep Max guessing. There was something off about Max. Ben couldn’t put his finger on it but somehow he guessed that the man wasn’t the right person for Justin. “Do you think our little friend ever found his way home?” Ben continued to rouse. “Probably not. He’s probably still searching out there but now he’s no longer wondering around alone on deserted streets but joined by masses of others searching for their way home.” Justin stared off romantically causing Ben to laugh out loud. “How tragically romantic.” He chimed in earning him a laugh as well. Stephen wasn’t sure what was going on but he liked the way Ben smiled and he always liked it when his daddy laughed so he joined in as well. Max on the other hand was still trying to figure out what had happened between the two men. “So,” He began smiling as he looked from one to the other. “You two went out last night?” “Yes.” Ben replied before Justin could reply. He glanced over at the look of confusion on Justin’s face. It wasn’t really a lie. They had both been out on the smoking patio. “Ben.” Justin warned. Max misunderstanding the reason for Justin’s felt a wave of jealousy race through his blood and consume his better judgment. “Well that’s nice.” There was a stark bitterness to Max’s voice. Ben had pushed it far enough so that he could see what it was that he didn’t like about Max. It was obvious to him now. Max was possessive and had the potential for being insanely jealous. Those were two things Justin didn’t need in his life. “Max.” Justin began to explain. “No that’s fine Justin. I guess you aren’t as selective as I thought.” Max spat. “Max!” Justin stated his voice more filled with outrage. “You need to get a grip.” “Well one minute we’re on the floor begging me to fuck you and the next you’re giving me some shit about only wanting Brian then you’re meeting Ben for a late night-“ “Smoke.” Ben smiled sweetly. “We ran into each other on the smoking porch.” He gave the man a knowing look. Max let the realization slide down over him as he struggled for some way to save face. “A smoke?” He asked again looking to Justin who was cleaning up his son obviously in the process of beating a hasty retreat. “I’m sorry. It sounded like –“ “Something that was none of your business Max.” Justin lifted Stephen from his seat giving Ben a weary but grateful look. “Justin—“ Max stood. “Don’t you EVER talk like that in front of my son.” Justin warned. “I don’t care if you’re my boss or not. Am I clear?” Max nodded glancing at Stephen and noting a look of triumph in the smaller blonde’s eyes. He was really starting to hate that kid. “I’m just worried about you.” Max offered. “Well don’t be. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of my son and myself.” Justin laid a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Thanks.” Ben covered it with his own before smiling up at him. “I hope things work out with Michael.” “He’s gunning for you.” Ben admitted. “What?” Justin asked wondering how his day could get any better. “He was pissed about you and Brian—“ “Big shock.” Justin replied. “Well just watch your back.” Ben offered. “He got really quiet. That usually means he’s plotting.” “Or constipated.” Justin replied. He noted the warning look from Ben then silently apologized. Ben smirked then, now that he could laugh at the remark as well. “Need some help with your stuff?” He offered. “No, I can take care of it myself.” He stated casting one last glance in Max’s direction before leaving the dining room. Max sat helplessly watching him go. “I really care about him.” He muttered. “Funny way of showing it.” Ben swallowed a bite of his Wheaties. “What? Because I got jealous? I think that ‘s a fairly natural reaction.” He defended. “Justin doesn’t need some jealous boyfriend who is going to give him the third degree every time he is out with his friends.” Ben stared into the man. “He isn’t something you can possess.” Ben stated firmly. “I would never try to possess him. I know he is free to make whatever choices he wants.” Max picked at his plate once more feeling insecure and frustrated by his own outburst. “He needs someone who will love him, support him and accept him. I’m not sure how much of that he had with Ethan but it didn’t seem like he got much of that from Brian the first time around.” Ben turned back to his cereal. “I just want to see him happy.” Max stated firmly making it clear that the conversation was over. Ben continued eating his cereal wondering if that was truly all that Max wanted. ****************************** Justin knocked feeling uncertain. Brian opened the door giving him a quizzical look. “I wasn’t sure if I should just come in or not.” Justin sounded unsure and Brian was reminded of the young man who had first come to live with him when Craig had tossed him out of his house. Seeing this insecure version of the blonde deepened Brian’s frustration. “You’ve seen me naked.” Brian spat impatiently and refused to notice the slight wince from the blonde as a result. Justin didn’t comment just headed for his bags and began repacking Stephen’s carry on. “We were just about to head down to breakfast.” Brian offered trying to undo a bit of the damage. “We just ate.” Justin stated. “I’m going to get all this together then call for a bell hop.” “Justin, I’ll help you. That’s what FRIENDS do.” He couldn’t help the dig. Justin rolled his lips into his mouth. “Yeah Ben and Max offered too but I think I’ll just call a bellhop.” He replied softly not wanting to take the bait Brian was dangling. He wasn’t in the mood for a fight. “Ben and MAX.” Brian leaned on the final word. “Brian, we’re friends just like you and I are friends.” Justin stated firmly. “Really?” Brian asked glancing over to make sure that the kids were immersed in Sesame Street. “You fucking him?” He accused softly. “You’re obsessed.” Justin returned in disgust. “You’ve been fucking me and we’re just friends right?” Brian walked away. Justin watched him go. “Yeah well not anymore.” Justin replied deciding maybe he would feel better if they just had it out. “Big loss.” Brian stated sarcastically knowing where to hit and wound the other man. “Yeah it is a big loss. You might just have to break down and start fucking Michael just so you can have someone that’s convenient and available at all times.” “Availability has never been a problem for me.” Brian leered. “Besides it wasn’t like that with us and you know it..” Brian defended. “You were never just a—“ “Forget it. It doesn’t matter.” Justin dismissed Brian’s words with the wave of his hand. “Really, well that’s good to know.” Brian spat as he returned to the task of shaving his face. “Why are you making this so difficult?” Justin asked him following him into the bathroom. Once he cleared the door he felt Brian push him up against the wall, his mouth assaulting his own. He was lost in a moment as the tastes and feel of Brian filled him. It was then that he remembered and pushed the other man away. “That’s over.” Justin stated firmly. “This is the only way we will be able to stay friends.” Justin demanded. “I don’t want to be friends.” It was out before Brian could stop it. His eyes sought out Justin and saw the hesitation. He knew that denying their feelings for each other was killing the blonde as much as it was him. He wanted to feel responsible but somehow found himself blaming Justin for the situation instead. Brian turned back to the mirror trying to get a handle on this new situation. How was he ever going to keep his hands off of Justin? He felt as though he were being banished from his home somehow. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Justin moved out of the bathroom. A few moments later he heard another door close and walked out to find Justin, Stephen as well as their luggage gone. “I’m hungry.” Gus stated staring up at his father. Brain glanced at the boy then back up at the door. There was something bitterly nostalgic about the moment. “Okay Sonny Boy.” Brian replied feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut. “Okay.” He repeated as he stood staring at the door remembering the last time Justin decided to walk out on him. *********************** On the plane home Max sat next to Justin. He noticed the tension in the man and wondered how he could possibly rectify the breech between them. He watched as Justin gave Stephen a juice box to help with his ears. Max could feel Kinney’s eyes trained on them without turning back. He had noticed Brian and Michael sitting a few rows back when he and Justin had boarded. He’d wanted to gloat a bit but realized that things were far too tenuous between he and Justin to make any sort of victory dance. Ben was still one row up on the aisle across from them. He noticed that Ben and Michael had not been together on the shuttle either. Instead Ben had helped with Stephen. There had been tension between Ben and Novotny, Justin and Novotny and Justin and Brian. Max had no idea all that had transpired but somehow felt caught in that sitcom Gay as Blazes. He wondered which character he was playing at the moment. He hoped it was handsome Daniel Blackmore, the school teacher who had come between the main couple. “You keep getting out of line.” Justin murmured to the man causing Max to furrow in brow in consideration. He offered the blond a guilty look then put up his hands in surrender. “You’re right. I do.” He offered. “You still want to quit?” He asked. “Or I could resign.” He sighed. Of course he had no intentions of resigning but hoped Justin wouldn’t see through him. “Don’t be ridiculous if anyone should leave it should be me.” Justin turned back joining his son who was looking out the window at the passing clouds. Max felt his anxiety jump a step. “Justin.” Max began. “ I was out of line to say the things that I did this morning at breakfast and the fact that I said them in front of your son makes that all the more despicable. I don’t want to see you hurt and yet that’s all I seem to be witnessing lately. I know you love Brian and I do want to be your friend. I guess I just need more practice. I don’t have many friends. I was really just trying to—“ “It’s okay.” Justin looked over. “I mean not what you said in front of Stephen and if you ever do that again I will quit.” Justin paused making sure that the man understood the seriousness of the situation. “I don’t have many friends either. I know you care. You were just trying to get me to see things from your perspective, but if this friendship stuff is going to work I need for you to stop being so jealous.” Justin met his eyes. “You’re my boss and even though things went too far on this trip I have no intentions of ever letting that happen again.” “You said it would be easy to fall in love with me.” Max offered softly searching the young blonde’s face. “It would be.” Justin meant it. “Then why not just let it happen?” Max asked reaching out and laying his in hand on top of Justin’s. “You said you had to see if it was going to work with Brian. Well you tried and now you see that it isn’t going to work.” He noticed Justin wince at that realization but Max had come too far to stop. “Justin, look at me.” Justin glanced up and stared into incredibly dark eyes. They were so much like Ethan’s somehow soothing and playful in the same moment. “I care about you. I care about Stephen. I won’t hurt you. I promise.” He whispered. Justin continued to stare at the man for a long moment inventorying who he was as well as who he wasn’t. He wasn’t Brian. He would never be Brian, but he seemed willing to commit and understood that Stephen came first in all things. He was smart and funny and kind but he wasn’t Brian. Somewhere deep inside Justin a voice was crying out. It was the same voice that had screamed itself hoarse over the three years he’d been with Ethan. It was that part of him that had been lost to Brian from the moment they’d first kissed. He’d gone down this road before and in many ways it had been a bleak journey. His life had felt empty until Stephen had come along. At that moment the little boy leaned in and rested his head on his father’s chest. Stephen. Justin thought. Stephen needed love and stability. His life had been turned upside down over the last six months. Looking into eyes so similar to the ones he had settled for before, somehow Justin found the compromise came much easier this time. As he merely nodded then turned back to the window accepting that in life sometimes it wasn’t about what you wanted. It was about responsibility and obligation. It was about putting someone else’s needs before his own. It was a lesson he’d learned long ago and yet it seemed one that his heart would never really accept. Max tightened his grip on Justin’s hand. Feeling the band on the man’s right ring finger he lifted the slim, long artistic fingers and stared first at the simple band then over at Justin’s deep blue eyes. “I guess I should take it off.” Justin offered watching as Max gentle ran his finger over his commitment band. “I just haven’t been able to yet.” He offered. “I don’t think you should.” Max replied softly. Sometimes he forgot how much Justin had lost. He forgot all that the young blonde had endured in order to lay claim to his life. “I think you should wear forever if you want. Just because your partner is gone doesn’t take away from what you had or what this stood for.” He replied still fingering the band taking in each scratch and dent in the inexpensive band. It was obvious that the couple had been struggling when the band had been purchased. “There were days when it seemed it was the only thing I had to prove that I was his.” Justin admitted. “All secrecy was very isolating.” He watched as Max continued to finger the band. Justin pulled his hand away offering the man an apologetic smile. It would be so easy to make a mistake right now. They needed to take things slow. It would be too easy to rush into a relationship with Max in order to forget the gaping void he felt now. Max was after all so thoughtful, so considerate and so ready for the type of relationship Justin needed. He knew he wasn’t ready for anything serious but yet he craved the distraction as he found his mind constantly returning to thoughts of Brian. It had been almost half a year and as much as he missed Ethan, he also missed having someone to lean on, to love and to love him back. He’d thought he had found that again in Brian’s arms, but now he realized that he had been wrong. He’d made a mess of his relationship with Brian just as he had the last time. Stephen yawned then closed his eyes. Feeling the weight of the baby against his body Justin realized how confused and alone he felt. When had everything gotten so complicated? Maybe it was just time for him to fall back and see no one. He was going to start classes soon and with work on top of it, it was going to be difficult to find all of the time he wanted to spend with his son. Stroking his son’s blond head as he felt the baby relax deeper into sleep, Justin closed his eyes. He remembered the sight of Brian surprising him in the museum with Stephen and Gus in tow. He could feel the man’s hands on his body and felt his heart beat quicken. He thought about how angry Brian had been when he had confronted Justin about Max. Justin wondered if Max was still watching him. He wondered if the man could read his thoughts. He hoped not. He didn’t want to hurt Max anymore than he wanted to hurt Brian. Justin suddenly wanted to jump from his seat and rush back to where Brian was sitting. He wanted to look into his eyes as he had so many years before and declare that he was on to the other man. He felt torn between wanting to chew the man out for not trying harder and kissing him because he had tried so hard. Brian had changed but not enough. Justin had grown up but perhaps too quickly. “Justin.” He glanced over at Max. Max watched as the blonde swallowed his emotions as the turned to face the man. “It’s going to be okay.” Max reassured. Those words fell inside the blonde, echoing off the eerie stillness where once a love had lived. ****************** “Are you sure this is their flight?” Melanie asked as she stood next to Lindsay in the concourse. “I’m sure.” Lindsay was staring down the walkway scanning for the familiar faces of her son and his father. “I’ve missed Gus so much.” Melanie squeezed Lindsay’s hand in agreement. “Did he say how it went?” Melanie asked knowing that Lindsay and Brian had spoken late the previous night on the phone. “Not good.” She said softly. “Gus had a good time but I think Brian and Justin are in trouble.” “That didn’t take long.” Melanie commented. “Fancy seeing you guys here.” Vic’s voice caught them by surprise. They turned to see he and Deb walking up behind them. “Hey.” The women greeted pulling each of the new arrivals into a hug. “What brings you two here?” Lindsay asked. After her short talk with Brian she already knew that Michael and Ben were having problems, but she hadn’t realized that it was this serious. “Came to pick up my baby.” Deb’s voice was as loud as the shirt she was wearing. “I thought he was with Ben?” Melanie asked. Seconds later she felt Lindsay’s hand on her side and realized that she her partner had omitted more details as to what had transpired in Toronto. “They are barely speaking.” Vic replied smiling and shaking his head. “It’s ridiculous.” Deb announced. “It has something to do with Brian. No surprise there.” Deb complained. Lindsay turned away. She was really tired of having to defend everything that Brian did. “He’s a selfish little shit.” Deb’s voice caused Lindsay to turn back. “Well that selfish little shit took Stephen to see his Father when he didn’t have to. He could have had Justin all to himself but instead he selfishly brought along the man’s son because he wasn’t eating he was so upset.” Deb started to defend her comments but Lindsay put up her hand. “I don’t want to hear it. I think you need to talk to Michael before you pass any judgments against Brian.” She turned back leaving Deb looking a bit lost. ************************* Justin had just gotten Stephen out of his clothes and was about to put him into a bath when he heard someone knocking on his door. Wrapping the baby in a towel, he picked him up and headed to answer it. “Howdy Neighbor!” Emmett smiled and hugged Justin as he made his way into the man’s house kissing Stephen on the head as he moved past the two blondes. “Hey. Mom said you guys are up the block now. Where’s Ted?” He motioned for Emmett to follow him. “He’s at work.” Emmett said sounding tired and irritated. “I have to get Stephen in the tub. You mind talking while I bathe him?” Emmett shook his head and followed Justin making goofy faces at Stephen causing the baby to laugh in delight as he peeked around his father’s neck. “So how was Toronto?” He asked as he planted himself on the commode lid watching Stephen splash his father. “Good and bad.” Justin admitted laughing at Stephen and giving him a splash back. “The conference was good. Brian showing up and surprising me with Stephen was great, but then Brian decided to.” Justin turned and mouthed the word “fuck” to Emmett then continued on in his normal voice “ the concierge and well it all went south from there.” Emmett was shocked. “What?” He asked. “Are you joking?” He asked curiously. The look Justin gave him ended all speculation. “Sorry. So what did you do?” Emmett smiled at Justin who only shook his head. “I almost let Max—“Justin stated then glanced down at his son. “You know.” He made a facial expression clearing indicating what it was that Max had almost done to the blonde. “Max is hot.” Em announced. “Aren’t you the guy who is in LOVE with Ted?” Justin asked soaping up Stephen’s hair. “Well you’re right about the fact that I love him but we have decided to see other people.” Emmett confessed. Justin looked over at his friend sympathizing. “You okay?” He asked softly. “Oh yeah. It’s for the best. There just wasn’t any spark between us. We’re just going to be roommates. It will be fun.” Justin smiled at him seeing that Emmett was trying to put a good face on a painful situation. “I guess some things just weren’t meant to be.” He commented. Emmett wondered if this had something to do with what had happened in Toronto. “So back to Max.” Emmett smirked trying to lighten the mood. “Does this mean that you two are together?” “No, I don’t think so.” Justin stated. “I’m not sure I’m ready. He’s all yours if you want him.” Justin absently replied as he tried to get the rest of the soap out of Stephens’ hair. “That’s good to know.” Brian voice surprised both Emmett and Justin. “Shit Brian you scared me.” Justin said staring up at the man. Brian smiled down. “Shit!” Stephen yelled laughing. Justin looked down at his son then up at the man. “Don’t look at me. You said it.” Brian deadpanned. Justin knew he was right as he sighed and reminded his son not to say that word. “So how was YOUR trip Brian?” Emmett asked carefully observing the two men. “Good and bad. Isn’t it about time for you to go home?” He asked giving Emmett clear instructions with his eyes. “As a matter of fact it is.” Emmett announced rising from his pseudo throne. “You don’t have to go just because of him.” Justin explained staring up at Emmett briefly as he then turned to give his son’s face one last swipe with the wash cloth. “No I’m not Sweetie. I need to go start something for dinner. Teddy will be home soon and he will be hungry.” Emmett moved past Brian then playfully added. “Brian you look pretty hungry too.” Brian gave him his best fuck off look as Emmett chuckled and left. “Lock the door.” Brian called after the man. “You left your door unlocked.” He turned his attention back to Justin. “So?” He was sitting, watching Stephen play with his sponges. “So this isn’t the greatest of neighborhoods. You never know who could walk through that door.” “Well you do have a point there.” Justin deadpanned then turned to regard Brian for a moment. “Why are you here?” He finally asked. “Look Justin—“ Brian started but Justin stopped him as he lifted Stephen, wrapping the slippery boy in a towel. He handed the baby to Brian then motioned for the man to follow him. Brian did so as he snuggled the baby deeper in the towel. He’d never admit it but he missed the feel of Gus in his arms at this age. Holding Stephen reminded him of those fleeting days. “Don’t say anything. The more we talk the more screwed up everything gets. I get it. You want an open relationship again. I don’t. So you go get this out of your system. I’ll move on with my life. Maybe we can meet on the other side.” Justin grabbed up another towel he had lying on the dresser in Stephen’s room. Brian was a little taken aback by Justin plan. This wasn’t how he had interpreted their conversation the other night. He watched as Justin removed Stephen from his arms and settled onto the floor. “So you are suggesting an intermission?” Brian asked. Justin wasn’t sure if he heard confusion or dismay in the man’s voice. He looked up unsure of how to answer. “I guess that’s one way to put it.” He admitted. “Except—“ “Except what?” Brian asked “Well except maybe you’ll never want to stop.” Justin paused. “Or maybe when you do finally want to, I won’t be available anymore.” “I really fucking hate it when you pressure me like this.” Brian spat. “Brian, watch your language.” Justin warned leveling the man with an icy glare. Brian nodded but at the same time ran his hands over his face in frustration. “Justin, so I trick. I don’t see how that would affect you? I mean it’s not like I would bring them here.” He gestured around Stephen’s room. “Brian, you want an open relationship; I don’t. End of conversation. Move on. Next topic, where do we go from here?” Justin finished drying his wiggling son. “I have no idea.” Brian stated. “Well I say we work on the whole friendship thing. I mean just because we can’t be lovers doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. You were a great friend to me when I first came back. We weren’t lovers then.” He glanced up then reached for Stephen’s pajamas. “That’s true, but—“Brian fumbled for the words. “But what?” Justin asked curious. “But I wanted us to be. I was just waiting until you were ready.” Brian admitted. “Well then you know how I feel.” Justin’s voice was soft but hit Brian with a strong realization. It was the same. Justin was waiting until Brian could be ready for monogamy. “What about not being available when I am ready?” Brian asked feeling a little bit better about things. “That’s a chance you’ll have to take, just like I’m taking one on you.” Justin released his son who immediately scampered over to Brian reaching to be picked up. Brian complied as Stephen gave him a quick Eskimo kiss. Brian smiled then looked down at Justin who appeared near tears. “What is it?” Brian asked in alarm. “That’s what he always did to Ethan.” He replied rising to his feet. He gave his son a small smile. He wasn’t sure what that meant. Was Stephen already seeing Brian as a father figure? Justin wondered what damage this change in his relationship with Brian would do to his son. He felt as if he was totally screwing up the poor boy. Brian reached out and placed a steadying hand on Justin’s shoulder. “You okay?” He asked. Justin merely nodded. “You sure you want to have this intermission. Don’t forget what you’ll be missing.” Brian teased trying to lighten the mood. Justin reached for his son giving Brian a longing look. “Yeah I know. Don’t forget you’ll be missing a lot as well.” He and Stephen headed into the kitchen to get the boy some milk. Brian followed along watching as the two Taylor men moved into the kitchen very much aware of what he would be missing. Now he just had to decide which he could survive without: his backrooms or his blondes. **************************