Chapter 8 “Justin?” Jennifer knocked but got no answer. She knocked louder. “Justin.” She called again. Opening the door she found him with his back to the door staring out the window into the darkened yard. Concerned she moved forwards gently laying her hand on his shoulder. He jumped and turned to look at her. “I called and knocked.” She explained. He gave her a dismissing nod then turned back to the window. Jennifer followed his gaze wondering what it was that he was seeing out there. She turned her attention back to his pale strained features. Jennifer sighed knowing what she had to do, moving her hand to his arm she gave it a gentle squeeze. He glanced over. She offered him a small smile then moved him to the edge of his bed. Once he was sitting she took a deep breath. “Honey, I think it’s time you talk to someone.” She offered bracing herself for his resistance. “What would I say?” Justin asked fully facing her now. “Hi, I’m Justin, my partner just died, fix me?” “Justin-“ “I know you want me to get over this. I know that it’s hard to watch me flounder this way, but I swear I’m trying. I just don’t know how to get past it.” He admitted weakly. “That’s the point of going.” Jennifer offered gently. “Sometimes we can’t get there on our own, Sweetheart. That’s why we have to accept help from others.” He looked up, her term of endearment oddly comforting him. He wanted to curl up in her lap, feel her arms around him, and listen to her whisper over and over again that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to go back to the days where a new box of crayons and a chocolate cookie could fix all of his problems. He knew those days were past and that his problems extended far beyond the range of crayons and cookies. “I just can’t see myself in a shrink’s office explaining what it was like. What could he say, Mom? It happened. I have to deal with it.” Justin looked down at his hands unable to face at the disappointment in his mother’s eyes. “I don’t know what he’d say, but I think you should go. It might be a waste of time and if it is then fine, don’t go back. But Justin, what if it could help you? Are you really ready to dismiss that possibility before you’ve even given it a shot?” She pleaded. “You remember our last visit to the shrink?” He asked. She blushed remembering how she had dragged him to a counselor trying to convince him that he wasn’t old enough to know his own sexuality. It had been ridiculous and the act of a desperate woman trying to prevent what had ultimately happened to her family. She’d known Craig would react as he had and that in the end the family would be torn apart. It had been wrong to focus her efforts on Justin. She could see clearly now that it should have been her husband in that office with her, not her son. “It was a mistake Justin. I was in uncharted territory and I made a mistake.” She offered honestly. He respected her for that. He respected her for so much. How could he fault her for trying to keep the status quo when she had lost as much as he had in the fall out? “I’ll try.” He admitted. “But I want to use the GLC counselor. They have grief counseling there. Ben mentioned it a while back.” Justin admitted. Jennifer sighed squeezing his hand once more. “I wish there was something more I could do to help.” She admitted. “You’ve already helped Mom.” He leaned over kissing her cheek. “I’m tired.” He admitted. “But you haven’t eaten.” She offered. “Not hungry.” She knew it was a symptom of depression. She knew he had already conceded a lot by agreeing to go to counseling. She didn’t feel comfortable pushing the food issue. She gave him a reassuring smile and left him alone. Justin rose once more and moved back to the window. He remained there most of the night. ********************************************* Lindsay popped in at lunchtime hoping to take Justin out. They really hadn’t had a chance to talk much since he had returned. She was also curious about where he and Brian stood and knew Brian had no intention of revealing any more about it. “How about some lunch?” She asked as she made her way over to his desk. Justin looked up and offered her a small smile. She wondered if it was merely for show. Judging from the lack of spark in his eyes she assumed that it was. “Sure.” He replied. “I just have to take these down to Brian’s office.” He offered. She nodded. “I’ll meet you in the lobby.” She had avoided Brian thus far and was hoping to do so completely. The last thing she wanted was his accusations that she was meddling. Once Justin returned they made their way to a small café a few doors down. “So how is work?” She asked once they had placed their orders. “It’s good. I’m staying busy. How is the gallery?” He asked, immediately changing the subject. “Good. We have a new exhibit coming in that I think you will like. You should come down.” He nodded. “And Gus? How are Gus and Jenny?” He continued to keep the focus on Lindsay’s life instead of his own. She gave her standard glowing reports on the children realizing what Justin was doing. “Justin,” She reached across the table and touched his hand. “I asked you to lunch to see how you are.” “I’m okay.” He thought he sounded convincing but her expression warned him otherwise. “Things okay with you and Brian?” She asked as their drinks arrived. Justin suddenly wished he’d ordered alcohol. “We’re working together.” Justin clarified. “That’s all.” She nodded watching him closely. “Paul told me what happened when he came by to cancel the ceremony.” She offered. Justin sighed then pulled his hand away. “So?” He challenged her. “Well I mean are you okay with all of that starting up again with Brian?” “Nothing has started up again.” He reported. “We fucked; end of story.” “But you’re working together.” She ventured her voice revealing a bit of hope that she held for that situation. “It’s business.” Justin declared. “Nothing is happening, so leave it alone. I just buried someone that I cared about, do you really think I’m up to stalking Brian?” His anger was building and Lindsay sensed it. “No, I just was curious I guess and hopeful.” She admitted. “ I mean you missed him though, right? When you were in Paris, you missed Brian?” She pressed. Justin sighed looking away. He didn’t want to do this. He wished he’d just turned down the invitation. He’d suspected it was a mistake. “Yes, Lindsay I missed him, but I’m hardly in a position to pick back up like nothing’s happened.” His voice was edgy surprising the woman. “Well at least Paul is out of the picture. He was such a mistake.” She sipped her drink. It was Justin’s turn to observe her. “Why do you say that?” He ventured finding her distain curious. “Well, he was controlling and manipulative.” She reported. “It was like Brian disappeared when they were together. Paul just had a way of running over him. It wasn’t like when you and Brian were together. I mean the very fact that Brian agreed to commit to Paul was a sure sign that the real Brian Kinney had left the building.” She almost laughed trying to lighten the mood. “Did you try to tell him what you saw in Paul? Did you warn him that he was being run over, manipulated, controlled?” Justin asked his eyes bearing into her’s. “No.” Lindsay fiddled with her scarf wondering how to change the subject. She resented feeling accused. “Why not?” Justin demanded. “He wouldn’t listen. He never listens. I begged him to go after you in Paris.” She froze noticing the slight reaction that Justin was desperately trying to hide. “He thought he was protecting you.” She defended Brian’s lack of action. “He thought you were better off-“ “This isn’t about me and Brian. This is about people who say that they supposedly love Brian, but would let him remain in what you are now telling me was a destructive relationship.” Justin refused to change the focus. “I can’t believe that you can rationalize your behavior with ‘he wouldn’t have listened anyway’.” Justin smirked. “He listens more than you know. If you ever gave him half the credit that I do then you would know that. He listens, he changes his mind, he reconsiders. He respects you far more than you have ever respected him.” “Now wait a minute.” She spat. She’d taken Justin to lunch in an effort to reach out to the blond, now he was accusing her of failing Brian. “Who do you think you are telling me about Brian Kinney? I’ve known him longer, we were-“ “I know, lovers right? Well Lindsay that was a long time ago and he’s changed. He doesn’t fuck women anymore for one thing and he knows when his so called friends are enjoying his misery.” Justin pushed away from the table. “I know him better than anyone and I’m telling you that by letting him stay in a destructive relationship you’ve merely reinforced all that bullshit his parents fed about how fucking unlovable he is.” Justin threw his napkin in his plate. He reached into his pocket and tossed some bills on the table. “I’m not hungry.” He announced. “Wait.” She demanded. “We aren’t finished here. You don’t get to launch an attack like that then walk away. I was trying to be your friend.” “If your relationship with Brian is typical of your ‘being a friend’ save it, I don’t need it.” He turned and left the table. Lindsay watched him go reeling at how quickly things had gone south and not sure how she had lost control of the conversation. She wanted to stay mad at the way he’d spoken to her but knew that it had more to do with the fact that he was hurting than wanting to actually inflict any pain on her. She finished her drink then motioned for the waiter to bring the check. She kept thinking of all Justin had lost instead of the indicting truth of his words. ***************** “Hey.” Daphne was thrilled to hear Justin’s voice when she answered her cellphone. “I just wanted to thank you for being my friend.” Justin’s voice sounded strong. It reassured the young woman who smiled in reply. “Well I’m lucky to have you as well.” She offered wondering what had brought this sudden appreciation from her friend. She’d expected him to call and chew her out for her visit with Brian. She found herself wondering if he knew about it yet. “I can’t talk. I’m on my way back to work. I just wanted to thank you.” Justin replied warmly. “Are you fat yet?” “Fuck you.” She laughed. “And yes.” She sounded sad. “Come pick me up after work. My mom needed her car today. I’ll buy you ice cream and you can help me find the courage to go to the Center and sign up for grief counseling.” Daphne was surprised by the admission. “Well, will they have pictures because he needs to be hot.” She offered. “I’m not into hot right now.” Justin replied honestly. “Key phrase ‘right now’.” She giggled refusing to give into the sadness she had noted in his voice. “Counseling goes on for years Darling, it’s important that we hook you up with someone with enough ethics to wait but not so much that there isn’t eventually an acceptable amount of sexual tension.” Justin found himself laughing for the first time in weeks. “Acceptable amount?” He questioned. “I’ll explain it over rocky road.” She announced. “You hate rocky road.” He corrected. “I know but the baby loves it and so I’m eating it by the gallons.” She sounded miserable but Justin knew it was merely an act. “Okay Fatty see you at five.” He teased then disconnected as he entered the building running into Brian as he did so. “Shit.” Brian reached out just in time to steady Justin keeping them both upright. “Sorry. I was talking on the phone.” Justin admitted. “I wasn’t watching where I was going.” “Good thing you weren’t trying to chew gum too or we’d both be in the hospital.” Brian brushed off his suit. Justin watched him in amusement. Brian could be such a queen about his clothing. “How can a man who is such a great dancer be totally uncoordinated everywhere else?” Brian challenged good naturedly picking up on Justin’s lightened mood. “Not everywhere else.” Justin replied then looked away wishing he’d thought before he spoke. There was enough sexual tension between he and Brian without adding to it. He suddenly remembered Daphne’s “acceptable amount” quote and he found himself laughing again. “Something funny?” Brian raised a brow. “Something Daphne said.” Justin admitted. “Yeah, the little pit poodle came in here and read me the riot act over you.” Brian confessed. “Daphne?” Justin was clearly surprised and not exactly sure how he felt about it. “Yep.” Brian assured him. “She was being your friend.” He added. “Well I just chewed out Lindsay for not being yours.” Justin offered. Brian narrowed his eyes. He waited for an explanation but realized he wasn’t going to get one. He finally nodded comforted that Justin was still the one person who always managed to champion his cause. “Paul came by yesterday.” Brian admitted not sure exactly why. “Yeah I saw him. He came down and visited with me remember.” Justin headed back to his office, the news keeping Brian in his wake. “Yeah but you never told me what he said?” Brian asked. “Oh you know same old same old.” Justin dismissed it. “I have work to do.” He announced. Brian nodded absently still wondering what Paul had said to Justin. It was time he made it clear to the man that Justin was off limits. “Want to have lunch?” Brian asked. “Why Mr. Kinney what would the other employees think?” Justin dismissed the suggestion. Brian smiled remembering the first time Justin had called him that. “That I realized how thin you look and tried to get some food into your body?” Brian wasn’t about to let up. “When did you eat last?” He asked. Justin glanced up. “Yesterday.” Justin admitted. “Come on.” Justin sighed allowing Brian to turn him back toward the door. “There’s a place a few door down.” “Any place but there.” Justin jumped in not wanting to see Lindsay again. Brian furrowed his brow but conceded as they headed out the door in the opposite direction. ******************************** Daphne realized when they entered the building that she hadn’t been there since the night Stockwell had given his ‘Please Vote For Me’ speech. Justin had organized this entire picture rally to confront the police chief on his department’s lack of support and representation of the gay community. It had been great. Weeks later Daphne had learned that Brian had been working with Justin. It had seemed right. Together they always managed to bring out the best in each other. Looking at her friend she couldn’t help but notice he seemed better than the last time she’d seen him. She wondered how much of that had to do with Brian and how much was just a matter of time doing its thing and healing the wounds. “Hello.” The receptionist greeted them as the approached. “Yes, I needed information on counseling services.” Justin spoke as Daphne took his hand showing her support. He squeezed her’s back reassuring his friend that he was fine. “We have several services available.” The receptionist pulled out a brochure. “What is the nature of the need?” She glanced between Justin and Daphne. Daphne laughed realizing what they must have looked like walking in together both young, now holding hands, Daphne definitely pregnant. “Bereavement,” Justin offered giving Daphne a sideways glance. The receptionist narrowed her eyes confirming Daphne’s suspicions. “I just lost my partner.” Justin bluntly added. The woman recovered and then offered her sympathies as she quickly placed a call. “Morgan will be right down. His last session just ended.” She offered. Daphne gave her a supportive smile then moved with Justin away from the desk. “Sorry I laughed.” She offered half heartedly. “It’s okay. What was so funny?” He asked. “Just the way she was looking at us.” Daphne giggled. “I think she thought we were married or something.” Justin laughed softly as well then realized had he stuck to his father’s plan perhaps they would have been and the baby would have been his. He pushed away the reality that Daphne’s marriage more than likely eliminated the possibility of his being a father. The last thing he needed was something else to be depressed about. “I feel nervous like I might want to make a break for it.” He offered looking nervously toward the door. “We could still leave.” She offered realizing that by doing so her friend would stay. They both heard someone on the stairs and looked up. “Hello,” The man moved toward them. “I’m Morgan Perkins.” He extended his hand. Justin took it. Daphne approved. Morgan was in his thirties, handsome, well groomed and seemed very relaxed. “I’m Justin Taylor. This is my friend Daphne Carroll.” Daphne shook his hand as well. “Well, how far along?” Morgan asked obviously happy for the young woman. “Not far enough.” Daphne laughed. “I have a few more months and I’m so ready to have this over with.” “Enjoy the sleep while you can get it.” The man offered laughing. “My partner and I just adopted an infant and I haven’t slept past five a.m. in two months.” “You have a child?” Justin asked. “We have two.” Morgan gave him a smile then reached into his wallet to show the photos. “Wow, I would think that it would be almost impossible for a gay couple to get a child.” Justin admitted. “Well in my line of work I tend to learn of situations where parents can not or choose not to keep their children. You’d be surprised how many children there are who just need someone to love them.” Morgan offered. Justin nodded. “So, I’m thinking you must have been the one the receptionist called about.” “Yes.” Justin replied. “I lost my partner.” He paused not quite sure what else to add. “I’m not sleeping.” He finally admitted. “I think I might need some help.” “Well that’s the first and the most important step.” Morgan offered softly. “Let’s go up and see how we can find some time to visit in the next few weeks.” He gestured to the stairs. He glanced to Daphne who waved off the invitation. “I’m just here for moral support. I think me and my swollen feet will wait over there on the couch.” Justin nodded then followed the man up the stairs. He glanced back twice grateful to find Daphne’s eyes still on him, her smile still in place, her silent encouragement in place. He’d always felt lucky to have her, but never so much as today. **************************************************** “Maybe we should have Brian and Justin over for dinner?” Michael suggested not looking away from the computer. He could feel Ben’s eyes on him but still refused to meet his partner’s gaze. “Michael.” His voice held a warning tone indicative that he was on to Michael. “What?” The man defended weakly. “What do you know besides the fact that Paul and Brian are no longer together?” Ben asked setting his paper aside. “Brian said that Justin was working at Kinnetics now.” Michael offered. “And?” Ben pressed. “He’s worried about him.” Michael dealt out the information bit by bit. “Michael?” Ben warned. “Look Ben, they belong together. I was the last one to accept it but it’s true. Brian is like his old self again-“ “And that’s a good thing?” Ben offered. Michael smirked moving to his lover and easing into this lap. “A very good thing.” Michael smiled. “I’ve missed him.” He kissed Ben reassuring him that any old fantasies that he’d once entertained involving Brian were long gone. “Besides I need to see if Justin wants to get started on Rage again.” “He’s got a lot on his plate Michael. Are you sure this is the time to bring all that back up? I mean what if we were no longer together? Would you want to draw me if you were an artist?” Ben asked giving the smaller man a meaningful look. Michael considered. It would hard. It would be more than hard, it would be impossible and painful, but he wasn’t sure how else he could help to get the two men together if he didn’t use Rage. “I’ll just suggest it again. If he doesn’t seem interested then I’ll drop it.” Michael offered. Ben smiled kissing him softly on the lips. “Then let’s have them over but make it clear that they are both coming over. The last thing either of them needs is to feel like they are being set up.” Ben made his position clear Michael nodded realizing his lover was right. “How about this weekend?” Michael suggested. “Sounds good.” Ben replied. He returned to his paper glad that Michael had listened to reason. The last thing Justin needed at the moment was to be pushed into a relationship that had already ended badly once before.