Brian’s POV


I didn’t think it would hurt this much. Ok, maybe Im lying, I did know it was going to hurt. Why wouldn’t it? You cant just say goodbye to your other half and not feel something. He’d kill me if he knew I thought if it as goodbye, and I know I shouldn’t think of it as that. But here I am, pretty much smoking my way through a whole pack of cigarettes, sitting on the sheets I know I should change and thinking about what last night meant. 

God, Im pathetic.

Its only been a few hours since he left. Not that Im counting. 

Fuck. I still remember him getting up and getting his things together while I ‘pretended’ to be asleep. As if he wouldn’t see through that in a second, like he’s always been able to. But I just couldn’t do it. I don’t care how much I changed after the bombing, I couldn’t stand and watch him leave again. I knew I couldn’t stand there and have that awkward goodbye scene. So I did what would make it easier on both of us. Im sure he expected nothing less out of me anyways. And as much as I know it probably hurt him to walk away without a word, he knew this was the only way I could do it, the only way I could handle this. Thank god for small favors I guess.

I cant seem to move off the bed. I’ve been here all morning and now into the afternoon. Still sitting on these goddamned sheets. If anyone would’ve asked, I would have said I was just too fucking lazy to change the sheets. Cause how could I possibly tell anyone that Im afraid to wash him away? That Im already dreading the day when I climb into bed at night alone, and I will lean over and not smell him there anymore. Almost like he was never there. And as I look around, it does seem like he was never here. All of his things are gone. No more sketch books, no more clothes in the closet and drawer, no more toothbrush next to mine, no more bags, coats, scarfs and just <i>stuff</i> anymore. There is no trace that I used to have someone living here other than me. I never thought Id see the loft like this again.

I finally drag myself off the bed because by now it is just making me overwhelmed. I start to think I need to find something to take my mind off of all this fucking thinking, but I don’t want to. There is nothing I can concentrate on other than last night or this morning. I move to the couch, cause even though I’ve been laying down all day, I still don’t seem to be able to stay standing. There is just too much weight on my shoulders right now to even pace in small lines. Or maybe its my head and these thoughts and memories that are weighing me down. Fuck if I know. 

As Im staring around the loft trying to find a safe area to keep my eyes on so I can focus on something other than what’s ranging on in my head, my eyes land upon the coffee table. Safe enough you would think. However, one thing jumps out at me bringing all this shit back again. Yep, the ring box. How could I forget. Shit. I cant even help myself as I make a grab for it. I open it up and just gaze at the rings. I thought these were the answer to everything. That these simple things would make everything better. But why would anything ever be that easy? I run my fingers over the shiny metal, so soft to the touch. I always thought that when Id touch his skin. There was something almost unnatural about how smooth and soft his skin was. I wish I could have seen how the soft metal and his soft skin would look coming together. I’ll fucking tell myself the truth for once, I really wanted to wear these. As much as I told everyone and anyone who would listen that I thought all this sentimental bullshit was meaningless, this time it wasn’t. That’s why I couldn’t bring myself to return them. My eyes start burning as I continue to look at the rings. I blink quickly hoping that it wont come to this, me sitting alone looking at our wedding rings and crying. 

I remember the look on his face when he saw the ring box still laying on the coffee table. He probably didn’t think this would be just as hard on me. I watched as he stared at the rings, just like I am now. I saw the brief moment of longing in his eyes. But then he put them down and told me what I’ve been telling him for years, the little shit. And for that moment I put aside my pain and let him know in my own way that I was proud of him for being stronger than me. And as I looked at him, seeing that he got it, I just got overcome with everything and I had to kiss him. The need was so intense. And even though he told me we would see each other all the time, it still felt like a bigger deal. Like maybe I wouldn’t see him again. It was a fear that gripped me tight. So I figured if this could be the last time, I had to put everything into it, I had to make this something I would remember.

I don’t think we have ever had a night that could compare to that one. Sure we have had tons of different nights where the sex meant all kinds of different things. But this was different. There was too much riding on this. All I kept thinking about was when he came back from LA. It was almost a way to reassure myself that it would be like that again. He would come back again. I wouldn’t let myself think it was the end. 

But I still couldn’t stop myself from taking in everything. Sometimes I would just get lost in the sex and just feel and Id something keep my eyes closed for most of it. This time, I couldn’t do that. I had to see and feel everything. I needed to keep this and save this for when I missed him so much I felt I couldn’t breathe. I knew it would be like that again. So I kept my eyes open, hardly even blinked. I took in every single detail. I made sure I did all his favorite things. I drew it out as long as we both could stand it. And after three, long times I knew that was it. 

I still remember looking down at him right after, running my hand down the side of his face. Taking in how beautiful he was with a light sweat on his face, his cheeks still tinted a perfect shade of pink, his lips swollen from hot kisses and load gasps graced with a hint of a smile and how his eyes were half closed cause he would always go to sleep almost instantly afterwards. And I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. So I buried my head in his neck, my hand in his hair. I could feel the tears running slowly down my cheeks and I knew that he could feel them too. And as much as I tried to stop myself I couldn’t help when I whispered so quietly “Please don’t leave me”. All he did was wrap his arms around me tight and just held me. He didn’t say anything. He knew that I still wanted him to go and follow his dreams, that I just needed to say that for myself. Maybe even for him too. That way he knew that it was killing me to let him go again. That I did care this time. 

And after I calmed down a little and right before I was about to fall asleep, still wrapped up together, I whispered one last thing, something I knew I had to say again “I love you”. He knew even after I finally said it that I would use the three magic words sparingly, but I didn’t know when the next chance would come up where I felt it was the right time and place to say it again. Cause it wont be over the phone, or in an e-mail that’s for damn sure. “I love you too”. And that was it. I fell asleep. The next thing I knew, I heard him up and getting his things together. 

Now Im back to where I started. Its been a never ending cycle ever since I heard that door close. Then I notice that Im still staring at these rings. I know I wont be able to return then, ever. Who knows, maybe the day will come and I can live out my wish of seeing the soft metal wrapped around the soft skin on his finger. Cause one day will finally be the right time. 

I close the box and set it back down on the coffee table. Im going to have to find a place to put them so everyone doesn’t think Im crazy for not only keeping them, but for leaving them out as a constant reminder. I light another cigarette cause my hands feel empty somehow now. This fucking sucks. I wonder how long it will be before we actually make plans to see each other. That could be a long wait. Im sure he’ll be too busy with his art work and getting everything set up and running, and I’ll pretend to be too busy with work. It could be months...

Fuck that. Fuck my pride for once.

I get up and for some reason the weight is not so heavy and I can walk more determined to my laptop. I search up flights to NY a week from now. That should give him enough time to get somewhat settled and plenty of time to miss me. It might even give me enough time to be able to look like this upcoming week didn’t put me through hell. But it almost seems bearable knowing its not over. That last night wasn’t the last time I could see him under me. That I wont have to miss the smell of him for that long. 

Finally breaking the fucking cycle of thoughts I’ve been going through since this morning, stopping the chain smoking and finally lifting a little of the weight off me, I let out a sigh of relief. I decided to change and maybe try and do some work. 

Later, Michael comes over. And somehow we end up at Babylon. Its still a wreck. And through some well placed words, he convinces me to reopen it. I figure the thumpa thumpa has to continue somehow. This place will always hold good memories, even some bad ones. And even though I’ve come here most of my life, seems most of what I remember most about Babylon now is the times I was here with Justin. I can still see him dancing here when he was 17, trying to get my attention. I remember standing and agreeing to our rules here. I remember finally getting to dance with him again after Ethan. I remember making that bet about going to Ibiza on the sofa. I remember how he helped me give Babylon its glory back. I can never forget those moments here. 

So I got Ted to get Babylon up and running as soon as possible. Funny how much could get done in a week. Seems most of the work was clean up anyways. So here I am, only a few hours til my plane leaves for NY, dancing at Babylon’s reopening. It feels really good. I called Justin and told him about it, purposely leaving out the detail about me flying to see him. He was happy to hear that I gave Babylon the breathe of life, for the second time. He said he wished he could be here tonight. Well Sunshine... this dance is for you.