SEPTEMBER 2002 Gussy was a frustrated 2 year old. Gussy knew that while he still couldn’t talk very well he was capable of thinking about the world around him. He knew what the big people in his life were saying to him, at least most of the time, but he knew that they didn’t listen to what he had to say in reply. Since they were continually asking him what he thought about what they were telling him he didn’t understand why they didn’t listen to what he had to say. Rhetorical questions or acting as a sounding board were concepts that Gussy hadn’t figured out yet. Gussy’s mothers had celebrated his 2nd birthday a few weeks earlier and this party had caused the most frustrating days of his life. Simply because the big people told him what they were going through and then asked him questions but wouldn’t listen to his answers. He knew that if they had listened to him then they would be back together instead of being apart and miserable. Daddy and Justee were mad at each other. Gussy didn’t know why they were mad, it was some grownup thing. Both had taken Gussy on visits to the petting zoo and while they were with him they had told him about what they were going through regarding the other one. While both had asked Gussy what he thought neither one listened to what he told them. Since they didn’t listen to his answers Gussy was frustrated beyond belief. He loved Daddy and Justee and wanted them to be together like they used to be. He knew he had to do something but he just didn’t know what to do yet. He knew that he would think of something to get them to be friends again he just had to figure out what it would take. Gussy knew that Daddy and Justee loved each other. Daddy told Gussy that he loved Justee and Justee said that he loved Daddy. But the problem was that Daddy didn’t think that Justee loved him anymore. Justee didn’t think that Daddy loved him anymore. Gussy had told both of them that they were wrong. Gussy told Daddy that Justee loved him, he told Justee that Daddy loved him but they just wouldn’t listen. It was enough to make a boy want to cry. It had all started at the birthday party. Justee was helping Gussy blow out the candles on his cake when Daddy showed up. Gussy hadn’t expected Daddy since he'd heard Mommy and Mama talking about how Brian didn’t believe in birthdays and wouldn’t be coming to Gussy’s party. Gussy sometimes wondered why people called Daddy, Brian, didn’t they know his name? So Gussy was very happy when Daddy did come to the party but Justee sucked in his breath when he saw Daddy. He put Gussy down as soon as Gussy blew out the candles and he walked out of the room. Mama followed Justee into the kitchen. Daddy said “Sonnyboy how is my big boy?” “I’m two now Daddy.” “I know Sonnyboy, well come here so I can give you your birthday hug.” Gussy had walked over to Daddy who hugged him tight and kissed the top of his head. “I love you Daddy.” “I love you Sonnyboy.” But Daddy didn’t seem very happy to Gussy and too soon he put Gussy down and left the party. Mommy tried to get Daddy to stay at the party. “Brian, Justin has left already you don’t have to run away, help your son celebrate his birthday since you are here.” “I’m not running away I just have to go home and finish some work.” “Brian he's hurting too.” “He made his choices, we have to live with them.” “Brian.” “Good bye Linds.” Mommy and Mama helped Gussy cut the cake and everyone got a piece of cake and ice cream. Then everyone sang Happy Birthday, Gussy opened his presents and then the party was over and Gussy was put to bed. He always got put to bed before he was ready, but Mommy and Mama didn’t ask him they just put him to bed. This also made a boy want to cry. But before they left the room, after tucking Gussy in, Mommy and Mama talked about Daddy and Justee. “Mel I wish those two would just talk to each other.” “Linds, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Both are hurting too much to do anything sensible like talking. We just have to hope that in time they can get back together. Did you see how fast Justin left once Brian showed up? I tried to get him to stay but he just said that it hurt too much to see Brian.” “Mel we have to do something, they love each other too much to be this miserable.” “Linds you know they're going to have to work it out themselves. If we push too hard it'll backfire. With Justin more than Brian I’m thinking.” “What do you mean?” “He feels like he's the one that did all of the wrong things, he fell for Ethan, didn’t tell Brian and then chose Ethan when push came to shove.” “And Brian thinks he's to blame since he pushed Justin away. Brian thinks that he made Justin pick Ethan. He told me he did what he did for Justin’s good.” “I sure hope they come to their senses soon, it isn't helping Gus to see two of his favorite people fighting.” “I wouldn’t call it fighting so much as avoidance of how they truly feel.” “Good point Lindsay.” A few days later Daddy came to see Mommy. They talked for awhile in the living room but Gussy couldn’t hear what they said to each other but after a time Daddy came over and asked Gussy if he wanted to go to the petting zoo. “Yes Daddy I like the zoo.” So Daddy and Mommy got Gussy ready to go to the zoo and Daddy picked Gussy up and carried him to his Jeep. He put Gussy into his car seat and then he drove them to the zoo. While they were in the car Daddy started talking to Gussy and the whole time they were in the zoo Daddy talked to Gussy. Gussy couldn’t remember a time when Daddy had talked so much. The problem was that Daddy didn’t listen to Gussy. Gussy would answer Daddy’s questions but Daddy didn’t seem to hear Gussy. This was very frustrating to Gussy. But over the next few days he would think about what Daddy had said and what it meant. “Gussy I need to talk to someone who'll listen and not make snide comments about the famous Brian Kinney being tamed. I know that you'll listen to me and won’t feel sorry for me since Sonnyboy loves his Daddy no matter how stupid Daddy acts.” “Yes Daddy I love you.” “I know that Gussy, I’m counting on you loving me, no matter what I do, since I can’t count on anyone else loving me. Gussy I really blew it with Justin. I had a chance to have someone really love me and someone that I could truly love. But I was afraid of giving him power over my heart. I was afraid that if I let him know how much I truly love him then when he finally left me it would tear me apart. So I did everything I could to make him make the choice I forced him to make. I knew that he wasn’t happy tricking. I knew that he wasn’t happy in group sessions but I made him think that the only way he could have me was to go along with them. I was so afraid that he would leave me for someone else that I figured if he's always with me when someone else is involved then he can’t leave me for that someone else. Of course I couldn’t be with him 24 hours a day and he met someone else anyway. To make it even worse he only met him because I couldn’t be bothered to celebrate Justin’s birthday. Someone who could be happy with only Justin. I refused to let Justin believe that I could be happy with only him, that I have to have others as well. I could be happy with only Justin if I could get over my fear of being in love. But instead of telling him that I loved him and would try to change my ways I told him that I wouldn’t even try. He would have given me more time to change if I could have bent just that little bit. That he had to take me the way I am without any hope of me growing up. Why was I so mean to him? I know why. I was trying to make it clear to him what his choices were. I made it clear to him that I could provide the material things of life, emotional support, and fantastic sex but he couldn’t count on me for romance. Ethan could provide romance but not much else. Of course I checked Ethan out to make sure that he was good enough for Justin. I don’t know if I really expected him to choose Ethan but I couldn’t believe how much it hurt when he did choose Ethan and left Babylon with him. I danced with some guy but all I could see was that he wasn’t Justin. Now I can’t even be in the same room with Justin because it hurts so much to realize what I threw away. But Gussy as much as I love Justin he doesn’t love me anymore. I hurt him so much that I can’t blame him for not loving me any more. Promise me Gussy that you won’t ever let me hurt you so much that you stop loving me. Promise me that you will make me talk to you about my feelings for you. Promise me that you won’t ever leave me to live without you in my life.” “I love you Daddy. I love Justee. Daddy loves Justee?” “Yes Gussy I love Justin but Justin doesn’t love me anymore. Why should he love me any more? I never told him those 3 little words he so desperately wanted to hear. Oh I know that he knew how I felt, by my actions, but he wanted it more concrete even if only once in a while. I couldn’t conquer my fears to tell him even once.” “Daddy, Justee loves you.” “Not anymore Gussy I drove him away through stupidity and fear. I’ve certainly used a lot of stupidity around Sunshine.” “Daddy, Justee loves Daddy.” “I wish he still did Gussy but I ruined what we had because I was afraid. Promise me Gussy that you'll never be afraid to love someone. Promise me that you won’t be afraid to tell someone that you love him. I finally have realized that loving someone is risky but it's worth taking the chance. I refused to take the chance with Justin and now I don’t have his love and I have the pain of being alone. Well I better get you home before your Mommies come looking for us. Did you have a good time at the zoo? Remember Gussy this talk was just between us two Kinney men.” “Daddy, Justee loves you.” But Gussy knew that Daddy still wasn’t hearing what he had to say. It was enough to make a boy want to cry. When Daddy dropped Gussy off at home Mama wanted to know how his visit at the zoo had been but Gussy was so tired and had so much to think about that he fell asleep before he could say anything about his visit with Daddy. Gussy sometimes thought that Mama and Daddy didn’t really like each other though Daddy and Mommy really liked each other a lot. A few days after Gussy’s trip to the zoo with Daddy; Justee came by the house and asked Mommy if he could take Gussy to the zoo. “Well Justin Gus went to the zoo just the other day with his Daddy.” “Oh, it was just an idea, I thought Gussy and I could have a boys day out. I need one Linds.” “Justin why don’t you just go to the Loft and talk?” “He made it clear when I got my stuff from the Loft that I had made my decision and that I had to live with it. Is it all right if Gus and I go out?” “Sure Justin just don’t stay too late, he does need his beauty sleep.” “Lindsay you know as well as I do that he's gorgeous no matter how much he sleeps, just like his Daddy. Damn I didn’t mean to say that.” “It’s OK Justin we all know how you feel and we know how Brian feels too, the problem is that you two can’t talk to each other about how you feel. Of course there is nothing new about that.” “I made my choice and I'll live by it. Come on Gussy lets go on an adventure.” So Gussy was packed up and put into the car seat in Justin’s little car. Gussy thought that every big person must have a car seat since he couldn’t think of ever being in a car that didn’t have one. When they were in the car Justee asked “Gussy where do you want to go?” “The zoo Justee.” “But you just went the other day with your Daddy.” “I always like the zoo Justee." “OK you win, the zoo it is. You know Gussy I need to talk to someone. Will you listen to what I have to say and promise not to tell anyone else?” “I love you Justee.” “I love you too Gussy.” “Gussy I miss your Daddy so much but I threw everything we had away. I knew from the beginning that he had limits on how much emotion he can express. I thought that I could live with his limits and that eventually he would be able to change for me. I should've known better. I should've done like he said from the beginning and stopped chasing after something I could never have. I should've found some twink and stayed out of Brian's life. But I couldn’t do that, I chased after him and never gave up no matter what crap he threw at me. I thought that everything was going to be perfect when we danced at the Prom but then Chris Hobbs ruined that. I thought that when I first moved back into the Loft that your Daddy really did care for me. But I have to admit now that it was just guilt.” “Justee, Daddy loves you.” “No Gussy not anymore if he ever truly did. I thought for a long time that he did but he just cared for me. I'll always be grateful for everything he did for me. But he simply couldn’t get over the hump to truly love me in the way I wanted. I should've known better since he never promised me anything. But when he came to me that night at Babylon and we set up the rules I thought that finally he was getting to point where we could become a real couple. That didn’t last long though. He still couldn’t be happy with just me. He had to have his quota of tricks even if he included me in the situation. I wanted to be with him so much that I went along even when it made me miserable. I don’t know why he didn’t pick up on how unhappy I was. I guess he didn’t want to know. Then I met Ethan and we just clicked; he was everything romantic that Brian couldn’t be. I made the rules and I was the only one to break them. That has to say something about me Gussy.” “I love you Justee and so does Daddy.” “He likes me, and I’m not so sure about that now, he can’t stay in the same room with me any longer than he absolutely has to. Finally at the Rage party I had enough of Brian ignoring what I wanted and treating my concerns with indifference. I chose Ethan over Brian. Of course that was the end of Rage. Michael certainly wasn’t going to work with me once I chose somebody else over his Saint Brian. The next day when I went to the Loft to get my belongings your Daddy told me that he respected my choice but that I had to live with it, he wouldn’t chase after me. That I could change my mind and stay, with no hard feelings, but that he wouldn’t change his ways just to make me happy. I had to leave Gussy as much as I wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him and hug him I just couldn’t stay if things were going to remain the way they were. I almost thought that he was going to cry when I looked back from the door but Brian Kinney doesn’t cry for anything let alone the twink that wouldn’t go away. That's something you are going to have to work on Gussy. Getting your Daddy able to express his feelings.” “Daddy loves you Justee.” “I wish he did Gussy but he doesn’t, we have to move along with our lives. I will find someone else eventually and I hope that Brian is able to find someone that he can be happy with. Ethan and I were happy together but I did learn that romance can’t take care of everything. Then he won the Heifetz Award and had the chance to go on a concert tour. I couldn’t stand in his way and so he left a month after the day I moved out of the Loft. Luckily there was an opening in the Dorms at school and I have a place to live. I’ve sold enough of my artwork and I made enough money from the few issues of Rage that were issued that I don’t have to worry about financial problems at least for another year or so.” “Daddy loves you Justee.” “Gussy I wish that was true but it isn’t. Well did you have a good time today at the zoo? it's time to go home. Would you like to stop and get some ice cream?” “Yes Justee.” “Just don’t tell your Mommy.” “OK Justee.” Even though Justee got him ice cream he still didn’t listen to what Gussy had said about Daddy. It was enough to make a boy want to cry. Try as he might Gussy simply couldn’t get Justee and Daddy to listen to him when he told them the truth. Daddy loves Justee and Justee loves Daddy but they are just too grownup to see it. But Gussy knew that as frustrating as the two made him feel he still loved them both. Gussy knew that he would figure out how to get them back together as friends he just didn’t know when or how. Gussy had decided that he would work hard to be able to talk better. Maybe he could convince them that they loved each other when he could say what he wanted to say. Then again maybe grownups would never listen to a child when they thought that they already knew the answers. That was enough to make a boy want to cry.