APRIL 2003 JUSTIN’S THOUGHTS I know that I should just talk to Brian. Tell him that I’m sorry that I hurt him by moving out of the loft. Leaving him for Ethan. But I know that I did the right thing by leaving. I had to be me. I couldn’t keep doing everything he wanted to do just so that he would be happy with me. I should've been able to tell him that I wasn’t happy tricking almost every night even if we always did it together. I should've been able to tell him that all I wanted was him but that I could live with his needing more than me. But I couldn’t find the strength to talk to him, make him listen to me. That was always our problem we could never truly talk to each other. While we could show each other what we felt we couldn’t talk about it, which led to misconceptions. (actually it more that Brian couldn’t talk about his feelings but I couldn’t force him to open up) So I left him, Ethan and I were happy together but it wasn't the same as when I was with Brian. I loved him and he was in love with me but I was still in love with Brian. Then Ethan won the Heifetz award and had to leave Pittsburgh for the concert tour. He offered to stay but I couldn't stand in the way of his professional goals. I was touched that he offered but there was no way that I could have let him sacrifice something he had worked all of his life for. So I moved into the dorms, luckily it was the start of a new semester and there were openings. I miss the romance that Ethan gave me but I really miss being with Brian, how he touched me, how he smells, even how he sleeps let alone the joy of our lovemaking. He made it clear the day I left that I had to live with my decision; that he wouldn’t chase after me. Brian Kinney doesn’t chase after anyone. If I didn’t love Gussy so much I would stop baby-sitting him because it hurts so much when Brian and I run into each other at Lindsay’s house and he ignores me or walks out the door as soon as he sees me. Gussy looking so much like his Daddy doesn’t help matters either. But I'm going to do what makes me happy and taking care of Gussy makes me happy. Hell, being in the same room as that wonderful little boy is enough to make anyone happy. I wish I didn't still care for Brian but I do. I just have to get over him like he has gotten over me. It'll happen before I die, it has to, it just has to. BRIAN’S THOUGHTS I can’t believe that I still care about that little blond twink. It's been over 8 months and I still want him in my bed. Hell I just want him in my life. I want to have to worry about making him put his stuff away. I want to have to worry that he'll make me eat fattening food. I want to make him so happy he can't stand it. I want him in my life but I threw that away because I couldn't admit to him that I loved him. I want to be able to tell him that I love him, but I can't take the chance that he would throw the words back in my face. Why am I such a coward? I can’t remember the last time I had someone here at the Loft. I don’t even go to the backrooms anymore. Sex with anyone else is just meaningless, who would have thought that would've ever mattered to me. Isn't that the point of random sex, it's just a means of gaining pleasure without having to deal with another person. I have to get over him. But he made it clear that I asked too much of him and that he couldn’t take it anymore. How could I hurt him so much? How could I think pushing him off of a cliff would hurt less than taking the chance that he would leave me on his own? Why didn’t we talk before it was too late. Why can’t I talk to anyone about anything that really matters? Why'd I think chasing him out of my life was the best thing for him? Well maybe it's the best for him but it certainly isn't the best for me. How did he burrow into my heart? What happened to the walls I built up over the years. Why does it hurt so much to see him that I can’t stay in the same room? Why do Melanie and Lindsay keep asking him to baby-sit Sonnyboy? Why does Sonnyboy love him so much? Don't answer that Kinney you don't want to know the answer. Why do I keep thinking about him? He's better off without having to deal with me. I want what's best for him and his not being in my life is best for him but why does that hurt so much? Maybe we can talk it over and I can get on with my life. Maybe Deb can lock him in the storeroom so he'll listen to me. Maybe Mikey can show me how to get on with my life even though the love of my life doesn’t want me anymore. Maybe elephants will grow wings and fly. I’ve got to get on with my life. Sonnyboy needs a Daddy that's happy. But why do I think I can be happy without Justin in my life. Why do I think such things. Brian Kinney doesn’t need anyone else to be happy. Yeah, sure, who am I fooling. Life goes on, I'll get over the twink, I have to. I just don't want to get over him. Justin was in his dorm room when the phone rang. “Hi Justin, is there any chance you could baby-sit tomorrow? I’ll understand if you can’t since it such short notice. Not to mention it being a Friday. Melanie got some last minute theater tickets." “Sure Lindsay I can be there anytime after 4. I have no other plans and you know I always love being with Gussy.” “Melanie won’t be home before 5 so anytime you get here will be fine. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice for April so I'll make up a Picnic basket for you and Gus to take to the park. Unless you want something else.” “A picnic sounds great. I’ll come from class so I should be there around 4.” “See you then Justin, Oh, Gussy wants to talk to you.” “Justee I can’t wait to see you. I love you.” “I love you too Gussy. Take a nap before I get there so we can have a good time at the park.” At least one Kinney man can say what he feels, Justin thought and almost missed Gussy’s last comment. “Why does everyone think I have to take naps all of the time?” Well I have plans for Friday night, at least, Justin thought as he hung up the phone. I’m too young to be sitting home every night of the week. I just don’t have any desire to go to Woody’s or Babylon by myself. Maybe I should call Emmett and see if I can tag along with him and Ted some night. No that would be lame and just admit to them how weak I am. Maybe I can find another bar to go to that doesn’t have any old memories. Of course is there another bar that is actually going to sell alcohol to me even if I have a fake ID. Someday I might actually look my age. Maybe I’ll wake up in the morning and everything will be back to normal. All day Friday Justin went from class to class but his thoughts were about the youngster he was going to be with that afternoon and evening. No matter how down he was spending time with Gussy always made him happy. Of course Mel and Linds always came home and the happy time ended. I’ve got to get over this silliness. Brian isn’t the only gay man in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I can have anyone I want. The problem is the only man I want doesn’t want me anymore. Stop it Justin act like the man you are not the silly boy that left because he couldn’t have everything the way he wanted it to be. You're going to take care of that wonderful little tyke tonight then tomorrow you're going to go to Babylon and have a fun time. Yeah and elephants will grow wings and fly. When his final class of the week let out Justin returned to his room to get rid of his school materials and to change into appropriate baby-sitting attire. Gussy was a very active little boy and a baby-sitter needed to be dressed in a way to keep up with him. Gussy was also very mature for his age. Gussy was becoming more and more like his father everyday. It amazed everyone how much Gussy looked like Brian even if he had blond hair. Justin just hoped that Gussy wouldn’t develop the same demons that plagued Brian. He also hoped that Gussy would be better able to deal with the demons that he would get from his own life than Brian had been able to deal with his demons. When Justin got to the Peterson-Marcus home Gussy was taking a nap. Justin automatically got his sketch pad and started drawing the sleeping boy. Justin got almost as much enjoyment from sketching Gussy as he had gotten from sketching the boy’s father. “We won’t be late Justin.” Lindsay told the young man sketching her child. “Don’t worry about me Lindsay I can always spend the night on the couch if you get in too late.” “Oh Justin don’t you want to go to Babylon for at least a little while?” “No I don’t enjoy going there by myself.” But I'm going tomorrow no matter what I just said and dance till I drop Justin told himself. Lindsay went on “Justin just talk to him.” “He made it clear when I left that I had to live with my decisions. I intend to do that.” “Justin he's . . s” Justin cut Lindsay off “Just let it go Lindsay. I am getting over Brian.” If only she knew how false that statement was, Justin thought, but I'm going to get over him before I die. Melanie entered the room and she and Lindsay were soon on their way out the door. Justin noticed that Gussy was now awake so he asked him “Well Gussy are you ready to go to the park?” “Yes Justee I’m ready.” “OK get your jacket in case it gets colder before we are ready to come back here. Do you want to walk or ride in my car?” “Walk Justee, it's too nice out to ride.” Gussy didn’t want to waste time getting into and out of his car seat just to go a few blocks. “Go get your wagon so we can put the picnic basket in it.” Justin told the boy. Justin was fully capable of carrying the basket but taking the wagon would give him something to pull a sleepy boy in after he was played out at the park. Soon they were walking down the sidewalk to the park. “Gussy do you want to eat first or play first?” “Let’s swing first then eat.” Justin lifted Gussy up and fastened him into the swing seat and started pushing, making sure that he didn’t push the boy too fast or high. Eventually Gussy said “I’m hungry Justee let’s eat.” “Do you want to eat at a table or on the ground Gussy?” “On the ground, that is more fun than a table.” Justin got the blanket out of the picnic basket and spread it out on the grass, he then got the food and drinks Lindsay had packed and put them on the blanket, it was all finger food so she hadn’t packed plates, mainly because she knew Gussy wouldn’t use them anyway. Gussy ate everything Justin gave him because he knew he wouldn’t get the brownie Mommy had put in the basket for him if he didn’t. Justee was very strict when it came to desserts, Gussy thought. Brian was sitting in the Loft after a hard day at work. It seemed like work was harder than it had been in the past. But he couldn’t figure out why since he really wasn’t doing anything different than he had always done. He was much harder on his coworkers as well not that he really cared about that. He was the boss now, they worked for him why should he worry about their feelings, not that he had every really worried about their feelings before he made partner. He really didn’t know why Cynthia put up with him anymore. Nothing she did met his expectations even though he knew she still did a great job. He wouldn’t have been amused if he knew that she was giving him slack since she knew his breakup with Justin had torn him up emotionally. Though the length of time and the depth of his sadness had surprised her. “Justee can you draw a picture of me?” “Sure Gussy.” “Can you draw it so that you are in it too?” “Yes but is there any reason you want me in the picture?” “Yes I want a picture of you and me to give to Daddy.” “I don’t think he would want a picture with me in it Gussy. You know that your Daddy and I aren't friends anymore don't you Gussy?” “You're drawing the picture for me, you're my friend so it doesn't matter about you and Daddy.” Justin stared at the boy, wondering what was up. He knew that Brian would pretend to like the picture when Gussy gave it to him but he would soon get rid of it. Justin knew that Brian didn’t like anything that reminded him of mistakes in his life. Why else does he avoid even looking at me. Justin would have been surprised to find out how many of his drawings and sketches Brian still had in the Loft. Actually all of Brian's friends would be surprised at the number since he kept them hidden away. “OK Gussy you go sit on the picnic table bench and then I will draw myself in later like you're sitting on my lap.” “Thank you Justee.” Gussy walked over to the bench and climbed up and then sat as still as he possibly could. Justin started sketching the boy as fast as he could since he knew the sitting still wouldn’t last too long. He knew that Gussy couldn’t sit still anymore than Brian could sit still for any length of time. Why did I have to think about Brian. He's out of my life. I have to quit thinking about him it doesn’t do any good but pretty much everything reminds me of Brian. Brian decided that he would go to Babylon and be with “The Boys” even though he knew that they would find it necessary to mess with his head. Maybe his head needed some messing with. Maybe that would get Sunshine out of his head, not that he really wanted Sunshine out of his head. So he changed into casual clothes and went out the door. But once he was in the Jeep he just couldn’t make himself drive to Babylon but he couldn’t admit defeat by going back to the Loft either. So he decided that he would go visit Sonnyboy, even a few minutes with Gussy always made him feel better. As he was driving by the park a few blocks from the Muncher’s house he saw Gussy sitting on a picnic bench. So he quickly pulled over and parked not worrying about the other drivers on the street who didn't appreciate his cutting them off. Brian walked to his son looking for Linds and Mel. Somehow he missed Justin sitting on the picnic blanket. That might have been because Justin made himself as small as he possibly could. “Hi Sonnyboy I was going to your house to see you but I noticed you sitting here so I saved a few blocks.” Brian grinned at his little boy. “Where are your Mommies?” “They went out on the town. I’m here with Justee.” “Oh, where is he then?” “He is behind you, he's drawing me.” Brian turned his head backwards. “Hi Justin” “Brian” “Daddy are you going to play with me?” “For a little while Sonnyboy.” Gus had gotten down from the bench and walked over to his Daddy and took hold of his hand. “Come with me then.” Brian followed along with Sonnyboy though he wasn’t used to being pulled by anyone let alone a toddler. Gussy took him to the sandbox. “Get in the box Daddy.” “Sonnyboy, I don’t think so.” “You said you would play with me so get in the sandbox.” Brian had never heard Gus be so bossy. “OK Sonnyboy OK.” Brian sat on the side of the sandbox and started pushing sand with his feet. After all it had been a year or two since he'd played in a sandbox and he was out of practice in sandbox etiquette. He then noticed that Gussy had walked over to Justin and was talking to the young man. Justin was 20 Brian realized with a start and truly was a man now. Where had the time gone? Why had he wasted so much time without Justin in his life? Why was he thinking about Justin being in his life again? He couldn’t hear what the two were saying but Gussy had grabbed Justin’s hand and was dragging him to the sandbox. What am I going to say, how can I leave without hurting Sonnyboy’s feelings. Brian hated being trapped even if it was unintentially by his son. “How have you been Justin?” It sounded stupid even as he said it. “Same old same old” Justin replied. “How has school gone? Your grades all right? Eating enough?” God how stupid can I sound Brian thought to himself. “Everything is fine Brian. You don’t have to patronize me. I know you don’t want to be here anymore than I want to be here.” Why did I say that? Justin wondered. I want him here I want him anyplace that I am. Why can’t I say it? Neither of the men noticed that Gussy had gotten up on his feet until he suddenly flung himself into the sand between them and started crying. Instinctively they both jumped to the little boy to find out what had happened and if he was OK. But when their heads bumped into each other they found themselves hugging and kissing like they hadn’t done in over 8 months. Neither noticed that Gussy had rolled over onto his back and that he had the biggest smile that could possibly fit on his small face as he stared up at them kissing and kissing and hugging with all their might. “Brian I've missed this so much, I've missed you more than you can imagine.” “I don’t know Justin I've missed you more than I thought possible. Why have we been so stupid?” “Pride I suppose, once I left I couldn’t admit that I wished that I hadn’t left. I wished that we had been able to talk about our problems and maybe solve them. I didn’t think you wanted to hear my problems so I took the coward’s way out and just left instead of making you listen to me.” “Justin you were never a coward. I was the one who couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I should've seen that you weren’t happy tricking. I should have known better than to try to do what was best for you. I should've been able to tell you how I felt. I shouldn't have made you make a choice that I didn't want you to make, even if I thought it was for the best. I should've told Michael to butt out of my life once and for all.” "Brian, Michael will always be a part of your life, he was only doing what he thought was best for you." "But why couldn't he see that you are the best thing in the world for me and how much I was hurting you?" “Daddy are you and Justee friends again?” “Yes Sonnyboy we are friends again.” “Then my plan worked?” “What” both men exclaimed. “I knew you would be friends again if I could get you close enough that you had to talk to each other.” “You mean you set us up? You really didn’t want to play in the sandbox with us?” “Of course not, you're much to big to be playing in a sandbox Daddy.” Brian and Justin just looked at the little boy and then they started laughing and rolling around in the sandbox. Gussy jumped out of the box before he got squashed. Pretty soon the men were kissing again. Gussy let them kiss for awhile but then he started feeling left out so he got in the sandbox and climbed onto his Daddy and Justee and hugged the two men. Brian and Justin came to their senses when they felt the small body hugging them. “Well I guess we better get Gussy home.” Justin told Brian. “I agree, when are the Muncher’s due to come home?” “I told them not to worry about it since I didn’t have any plans so they'll probably come home late.” “No problem we can do a little necking while we wait or a little more once a certain little trickster is sound asleep.” “Brian, you haven’t changed have you?” Justin grinned at Brian so he would know he didn’t mean anything by his comment. “Well I’m going to try to change at least some of my ways.” “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do just to make me happy. You know where that led the last time.” “Justin I only do what I want to do and if opening up makes you happy then that is what I want to do.” “Can you really open up Brian?” “I can only try. But I've done a lot of thinking in the past 8 months and I think that it will be good for me as well as for our relationship. God I actually said the word.” “That's progress Brian” Justin said with a laugh. “Let’s go home Daddy.” The three gathered up their belongings and started out for the house. “Daddy I’m tired, can you carry me?” “Sure Sonnyboy but if you don’t quit growing you'll be too big for me to carry you in a week or two.” “Oh Daddy quit fooling with me.” Justin had put the picnic basket and his sketch pad in the wagon and the three walked back to Gussy’s house with Justin pulling the wagon and Brian carrying Gussy. Brian completely forgot about his Jeep in his enjoyment of being in the company of Justin again. Melanie and Lindsay were completely surprised when they found the three sound asleep on the floor. Gus was in Justin’s arms and Justin was in Brian’s arms and the TV was tuned to the Cartoon Network. “Should we wake them or leave it until morning?” Melanie asked Lindsay. “I think we better get them up or none of them will be able to walk in the morning.” “I wonder what brought this on.” “Who cares as long as the two of them are happy. Brian wake up.” Brian awoke and in doing so woke Justin. “Melanie will you take Gussy?” Justin asked. Once Mel picked Gussy up and took him to his crib Justin was able to sit up which allowed Brian to get up too. “This certainly wasn’t what I expected to find on my living room floor.” Lindsay said, trying not to laugh. “Blame your son.” Brian replied. “Huh?” “I saw him at the park and stopped to play with him but the little guy had a plan.” Melanie had returned to the living room and asked “What plan?” “He thought that if Justin and I got close enough to talk we would be friends again. So he ordered us to play with him in the sandbox.” “He told me when I said that Brian was already in the sandbox that I was going to play with him not with Brian and then he pulled me over to the sandbox.” Justin added. “Then he pretended to be hurt so that we would both reach for him which of course put us real close to one another and before we knew it we were kissing. Gussy was thrilled that his plan worked and he had to tell us about it.” Brian had continued his story. “Imagine it, we have been trying to figure out how to get you two together for months and a 2 year old manages it all by himself.” Lindsay commented. Then the two women broke out in laughter. “Does this mean that you are back together?” Mel asked once they calmed down. “We're going to do some serious talking and I hope that Justin will move back to the Loft. But I'm not going to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I did too much of that before.” “Brian don’t take all the blame and yes I want to move back but we do have to make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. Not just the physical reasons.” Justin said with a Sunshine smile. That got the women laughing again. “Justin they're going to keep laughing at us all night, we better go home.” “Don’t say anything to any of the gang until we know for sure that we can work out our problems.” Justin asked the women. “Don’t worry Sunshine we wouldn’t dream of spoiling anything. Actually we should let Gussy be the one to tell the others. Since if you do get back together it will because of his actions. We know that you'll get back together. You love each other too much even if you don’t know it yourselves.” Lindsay answered. Brian and Justin said their good-byes and left after each went to Gussy and kissed him goodbye as well. When they got outside Brian asked Justin “Where's the Jeep?” “At the park Bri, we walked here and forgot about it.” “Jeez Sunshine look what you're doing to me already.” “I hope it's just a start Brian.” So the two walked back to the park arms wrapped around the other not worrying about who saw them. They got to the Jeep and kissed for minutes before they got in and left for the Loft. “You sure you want to come back tonight?” Brian had asked before he started the engine. “As sure as I have ever been of anything.” “Then I have something I have to tell you.” “Go ahead then.” “You know this isn’t easy for me Justin.” “I never understood why that was Brian.” “That's a discussion for a later time, Sunshine.” “Whatever.” “Throwing my words back at me, are you?” “I learned from the master.” “Justin Craig Taylor, I Love You with every fiber of my being.” Brian spoke barely above a whisper. “Oh Brian, you don’t know what that means to me.” “I think I do but don’t expect to hear it every day, it simply isn’t something I can do easily. Maybe someday enough of you will rub off on me so that I can but not yet.” “Brian you finally told me how you feel let’s go to the Loft and you can show me again.” Justin said with one of his patented Sunshine smiles.