We are going to start off at the point in the back room where Justin finds Brian with Rage in the backroom. Like I said though it's the first fic so please be gentle on the reviews I know that it has many mistakes, that I have learned from. Also this story is pretty anti Michael so beware.......SATURN
Justin's POV: I should’ve known better. Jesus you would’ve thought I’d have learned my lesson by now. But no I still thought he really wanted to be with me, to celebrate my night with me. Like I said I should’ve known better. Oh god there it goes, he’s finally done it. He’s broken my heart completely. I mean he’s been working on trying to break my heart for two years now. I just never thought he’d be able to accomplish this one particular goal. Watching him fuck Rage I’m starting to realize some things. God everyone told me that he that he didn’t love me, that he never would. Hell he told me himself. But do I listen? No of course not. Being the twat I am I thought I knew better I thought I saw love in his eyes when he looked at me. I’ve never been so wrong about anything else in my life. I mean just last night he told me he couldn’t love me, no I’m sorry that he wouldn’t love me. Well I get it now. He doesn’t love me. He never loved me, and he wont ever love me, no matter how much I love him. Yeah I get it now. He looks over at me now, I was wondering if he’d feel me watching him. I’m actually surprised he did. H e’s wearing that stupid fucking Rage mask so I can’t see what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking. Hunh? I guess it really doesn’t matter though, because I obviously never knew what he was thinking. I always thought I could read him when I looked into his eyes. Obviously I was wrong about that too. Either way he looks like he’s enjoying himself fucking the shit out of Rage....God I think I’m going to be sick..... He’s just starring at me and I wonder if he can read my eyes? I wonder if he can see that he’s finally broken me? Does he see that I get it now? That I know and understand that he doesn’t and never will love me?.......I smile at that cause I’m almost positive he can read everything, every feeling that I’m having. I was never able to hide any of my feeling from him.....I need to get out of here cause I’m going to be sick. I can feel the world tilt and spinning and my chest wont stop clenching on me, and my stomach feels like a giant knot. I got to get out of here . So I force my self to turn and I head to the bathroom. I’ve managed to make to the bathroom and into the last stall on the right. I’m not sure how I got here but thank the gods I did, because I’m on my knees with my head hanging over the toilet dry heaving, and shaking beyond control. I cant get either to stop and it hurts to much. I feel like my insides are being ripped apart. It hurts to much. This is all to much. Ok, ok the world is slowly coming to a stop, and my stomach isn’t ripping it’s self apart anymore. So I think I’m just going to sit back for a minute, before II go back out there....Ah I just wanna go home....Hunh? That’s a good question do I have home? I thought the loft was my home but, perhaps I was wrong. I mean how can it be your home if you’re staying with someone who doesn’t even love you? Oh who knows anymore? I certainly don’t. Fuck it.....I’m going to get up off the floor, and then I’m going to get myself out of here..... So I stand up, and I’m a little shaky but not to bad. Nothing I can’t handle....I turn towards the door, unlock the door, take a couple of deep breaths, open the door. There’s a lot of people in here. I move to the sink, turn on the water, wash my hands, and splash some water on my face. It feels really good....I look up into the mirror and I’m sorry that I did, because I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. He looks so tired. I look back down into the sink, I don’t wanna deal with that right now. I wanna go ho....to the loft. So I push off the sink, and force myself to walk out of the bathroom. I’m almost to the door, and I look up and standing in front of me just a few feet away is Ethan....What’s he doing here? I small smile... God he looks so out of place here. He takes a quick look around the place, then looks back at me and gives me a little shrug. Well at least he knows he doesn’t belong here....I walk over to him and ask. “ What are you doing here? “ I’m standing here, and listening to all of these wonderful things he is telling me, and it makes me feel so good inside. There only one problem....It’s the wrong person telling me the things I want to hear. He’s not Brian which means I’m sorry to say is that it doesn’t mean anything to me. I AM SO FUCKED.... Here’s this great guy who wants me, and only me. He wants to give me everything that I say I want, and need. But yet the whole time he’s talking and telling me all these wonderful things.....I’m wishing that he was Brian, that Brian was the one telling me all these things....I can’t do this to him....He’s a good guy but I don’t love him, and I don’t really wanna be with him. Wooho, he’s coming in for a kiss. I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him. “Ethan I’m sorry... I can’t do this.” He’s looking at me kinda funny. I guess he doesn’t understand. “ I can’t be with you. “ “ Justin. What are you talking about of course you can be with me, I want you with me. “ “You don’t want to be with someone like me Ethan, you deserve to be with someone who will love you...” “You love me...” “ No I don’t. I’m sorry Ethan but I don’t.” “ Yes you do I know you do. The way you kiss me. The way we made love. I know I didn’t imagine all of that.” “ The reason why you thought it was love Ethan....( I take a deep breath for this part) ...is because when you’d say you loved me it was Brian who I heard saying it. ( he looks like someone just hit him right in the gut. But I have to make sure that he totally understands.) When we kissed it was Brian I was kissing. When we made love it was Brian I made love to. I’m sorry Ethan I should’ve never started this. I don’t know what I was thinking. “ “Why are you saying these things to me? Are you serious?” (I nod) “ I don’t believe you You’re just still upset that I threw you out last night..” Oh boy this is going to be harder than I thought. He looks over my shoulder and I already know who’s there. I look over at him and he takes off that stupid fucking mask. I look into his eyes and I’m not sure what I see there any more so I give him a small smile, and turn my attention back to Ethan I have to make him understand. “You were right to throw me out last night Ethan. You don’t deserve any of this. You just got caught up in my totally fucked up life, and for that I’ll never forgive myself. But Ethan I can’t give you my heart, and I’ll never be able to love you. See two years ago I gave my heart away to Brian Kinney. I love him with everything that I am and I’ve never been able to get around it. To tell you the truth I never want to. He’ll always have my heart no matter what’s going on in our lives, no matter what he does to me, or what I do to him. He’ll always have my heart and my love. That will never change, and I don’t want it too. See Ethan I choose him. I’ll always choose him no matter what. As long as I have a choice it will always be him. “ He looks completely torn apart. I can’t believe I’ve this to him. What was I thinking to have started fucking around with him? I knew where my heart would always be I knew I’d never love him yet I still did this. I must be the worst person on the planet. “ You see you don’t want a person like me. You deserve someone who is so much better than me. Someone who you can love, and who will love you back, and Ethan you’ll find that person I know you will. You just didn’t find him in me. “ I need to leave now. I can’t take anymore tonight. “ I’m sorry Ethan, really I am. “ He’s just staring at me with puppy dog eyes, and his mouth hanging open. I can’t take anymore I turn one more time to look at Brian. I still can’t understand the look he’s giving me, and to tell you the truth, I don’t really want to think about it right now. I just want to go back to the loft and crawl into bed and sleep for a life time. So I give Brian another small smile, turn towards Ethan and give him the same. I head for the coat check hand the guy my ticket, he gets my coat for me, and I throw it on. I head for the exit, step threw the door, go down the stairs, and into the night air. It’s numbingly cold, and just what I need right now. To feel numb. I get down to the street and hail a cab, I hop in and tell him sixth and Treemont. ************************************************************************ Brian’s POV: What the fuck is going on? This is not how I had tonight planned out. I mean yeah, Justin was supposed to leave without me, but he wasn’t supposed to leave alone. He was supposed to leave with Ian over there. But instead, Justin left alone, and Ian is standing with a look of utter shock written all over his face. I need to know what the fuck is going on here. I walk over and stand right in front of Ian but I don’t think he even notices. “ What the fuck are you doing?” Yeah I know what he’s doing here....but hey I wanna see what he says. Only he doesn’t say anything. I think he’s in shock. What the fuck did Justin say to the poor kid. “ Ian, what are you doing here?” I say as nonchalantly as possible under the circumstances. He finally looks at me. He’s a little dazed and his mouth is still hanging open. But I think seeing me is bringing him out of it. “I came to get Justin. “ I’m impressed by the little fucker I didn’t think he’d have the balls to say that much to me. I give him my best....and look.....so he continues. “ He said he chooses you.....” Ok I wasn’t expecting that. “He said he’ll always choose you as long as he has the choice.” I must look completely dumb founded right now. I can’t believe after all this, after everything I’ve done to him, he said he chose me. That he’ll always choose me. Ian shakes his head and turns around and heads for the door. I turn around and I see Mikey standing there with an...I’m so sorry look... on his face, and I cant stand it. So I turn away . I mean there’s no reason for it anyway. I won, right? What am I going to do now? Doesn’t he know that I’m not worth the trouble? That he deserve better? That he deserves someone who can give him everything he wants, the romance the words, the commitment, the monogamy. Hell he deserves someone who can give him the world. God how I wish that someone was me. But I’m just to fucked up to be that person for him. No matter how much I love him, and I do. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and that’s why I wont let him throw his life away on me of all people. Ian said he would always choose me as long as he had a choice. Humh.... I think it’s time for a new tactic.... I have to do this now while I still have some nerve left in me. So I head towards the coat check hand my ticket over. He gets my coat, I throw it on, and head for the door, down the stairs and into the cold night air. I head down the alley to where I parked the jeep, unlock it and jump in. I take a deep breath and start it up and head towards the loft..... I open up the loft door and all the lights are off except for the glow of the blue lights coming from the bedroom....I can’t believe how scared I am right now, my heart is beating so hard in my chest that it feels like its going explode which I would probably be grateful for cause maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so much.....I slowly make my way over to the steps to the bedroom. I look at the bed, and there lying on my side wrapped around pillow, fully clothed is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He looks absolutely gorgeous, and so peaceful when he sleeps. I’ve watched him sleep I don’t know how many times over the past two years, and I’ve never tired of it. I move over and sit next to him on the side of the bed, I wanna watch him sleep for just a little while before this all ends. I’m going to miss this. Hell I’m going to miss him, everything about him. The way he laughs, that sunshine smile, the sound of his voice, the way he curls around me when were in our bed, the sounds of his moans when I make love to him, the way he screams my name when I make him cum, the way he can demolish two hundred dollars worth of food in three days, tripping over all his shit when I walk in the door, watching him draw, the way he looks at me. With his big, beautiful, deep crystal blue eyes. He always looks at me with so much love in his eyes. I’m sorry that I’ll never be able to give him the same from me. I’ll never be able to let him look into my eyes and see all the love I have for him. I run my hand threw his hair it’s always so soft I love the way it feels in my fingers. I let my hand stay there holding onto his hair as I lean forward to kiss his forehead one last time. I cant help but linger there I love the way his skin feels against my lips, and I take in his scent. He’s got the most intoxicating, wonderful, most delicious smell I’ve ever smelled. I’m trying my best to make sure that all these things are imprinted into my brain. I finally pull back from the kiss, and I already miss the way he felt against my lips and his wonderful scent. Do it now Brian, do it now. I tell myself. So I reluctantly take my hand out of his hair, and stand up from the bed. I take a couple of deep slow breaths, make sure my mask is on tightly I might add, and turn back to face him on the bed. “ Justin. “ I say in an even voice. He doesn’t even stir to that one. So...” Justin!” I say a little louder and in a stern voice. “Wake up.” that seems to do the trick cause his head is starting to rise and then I hear him say “ Brian?” in a sleepy husky voice. “ Yeah it’s me.....” He sits up still holding onto my pillow, then he looks up at me with those beautiful blues....”I think it’s time we had a little talk.” I’m trying to keep my voice even but it’s extremely hard. I gotta get threw this. Without breaking. He nods his head and looks down at my pillow for a second, then looks back up at me.... “Do you want me to start?” “No...I want you to sit there, and listen to what I have to say. Do you think you can do that?” I’m trying to keep my voice very calm and collected and I’m actually surprised that it’s doing what I want....Justin just nods his head....he looks scared. I hate seeing that look in his eyes. “Look Justin, I tried to do this whole whatever it is we were doing. I followed your rules.....while you broke every single one of them, and I’m just thinking how fucking stupid all this is. What I said at the beginning I meant. There are no locks on our doors were together because we wanna be. But you, you were obviously not happy and yet you still stayed making both of us miserable in the process.” god he looks like he’s getting his heart ripped out. If he only knew that it’s hurting me just as much...but this is for the best ...it’s what’s best for him. “So I’m putting an end to it now. I want my life back, and I mean I want it back to the way it was before you came along......can you give me that Justin, can you give me back my life?” God I don’t I’m going to survive this....because I think I’ve finally found the one tactic that’s actually going to accomplish the goal I set two years ago. ************************************************************************ Justin’s POV: I can’t believe this is happening. He really doesn’t want me in his life anymore. I look down at his pillow. I just realized something he said he wants his life back to where it was before I came along. Oh god he meant completely out of his life out of his families life. He doesn’t ever want to see me again. Can I do that? Never see the man that I love, the man who means everything to me again? I can if this will make him happy. If this will make him happy I can do it. After all that’s all I ever really wanted for him.....I just thought that he’d be happy with me in his life loving him.....so I look up into his eyes. I have to see in his when I ask and he answers. I have to know that this is what he really wants that this is what will make him truely happy. This is it his answer is our future..... “If I leave will that.....will that make you happy?” my voice is barely above a whisper but I know he heard me. I can’t read anything in his eyes it’s like there’s nothing there. I see him nod his head, “Yes that will make me happy.” and I swear I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. I can’t look into his eyes anymore it hurts too much. So I look back at his pillow. I nod my head so he knows that I understand him. Uh oh the world is starting to spin again. ************************************************************************ Brian’s POV: He’s been sitting there for about 10 minutes now and neither one of us has moved or said a word I don’t know what to say and even if I did I don’t think I could get it out around the sick feeling in my stomach and the clenching in my chest and the huge lump in my throat. So I just don’t talk. He lifts up his head and looks at the glass panels. He picks up my pillow and puts it back at the top of the bed. He swings his legs over till they are dangling over the side of the bed. He sits there for a minute before he finally plants his feet on the floor and stands up. All the sudden he looks like he’s going to fall over. ************************************************************************ Justin’s POV: I up but the world still hasn’t stopped spinning so I’m a little off center, and I have to grab the dresser so I don’t fall over. Brian starts to reach for me, but I put my hand out and say “I’m fine I just stood up to fast.” It’s a lie of course but I can’t have him touch me again. I’d fall apart. Plus if I’m going to do this then I want to make sure that he doesn’t feel like he has to have me stay anymore I want him to know that I’m ok. That’s what he’s asked me for and that’s what I’m going to make sure he gets. I want him to be happy. I need to get moving now. If only the world would slow down just a little bit it would make all this a lot easier. But I doubt that’s going to happen anytime soon so, I force myself to let go of the dresser, “I’m just going to use your bathroom real quick.” I’m pretty sure that I said this pretty evenly. So I go into the bathroom, and close the door. I lean my forehead against the cool door for a minute or two just trying to get my bearings a little bit better than they were. It’s not really helping but I didn’t really think it would. So I straighten up and move over to the sink, I turn on the cold water and splash my face until it’s numb. Alright it’s time to get this going, I have to get this over with maybe if I do it as fast as I can I can make it out of here without falling apart. I head for the door hang onto the handle take a couple of slow deep breaths, turn the knob and here I go. ************************************************************************ Brian’s POV: He’s finally coming out of the bathroom, I was getting a little scared there for a minute. I still haven’t moved so he moves past me and into the closet, and he pulls out his duffel bag.....oh god it really worked I can’t believe it worked if I was being truthful with myself, I’d have to say I really really was hoping that it wouldn’t. But this is for the best I have to remember that...I’m watching I can’t take my eyes off of him. He’s going over to his side of the bed, and setting down his duffel on the bed. He opens up his top drawer and empties it into the duffel bag, he keeps on going until the whole dresser is empty, just like my heart. He grabs up the bag and moves down to the couch I move over to the top of the steps. He puts the bag down, and turns to the coffee table, grabs up the sketch pads and puts them carefully into the bag. Then he turns to the dining room table, from there he get’s the remainder of his sketch pads, papers, charcoals, pencils, and chalks. He takes them back to the duffel bag and carefully put them in as well. Damn he fit practically everything into that duffel bag. Damn it! I was hoping that this would’ve taken a lot longer. ************************************************************************ Justin’s POV: I know he’s watching me, I can feel his eyes on me. He’s probably wondering how much longer this is going to take. Not much longer I’m afraid to say. I can fit practically everything I own into this duffel bag and what I can’t fit in there will fit into my back pack. Which is a good thing because I move so much that it’s a lot easier to lug stuff around this way. Right? So I move over to the loft door where I keep my back pack, grab it up, head over to where we keep the cd’s I go threw them really quick and grab only the ones that I know are mine, and throw them into my pack. Then I go back over to the kitchen table, I’m going to need the disc’s for school, grab all those and put them into the pack as well. Then I move into the bathroom. I take a quick look around, grab my toothbrush, and realize it’s the only thing I own in here. Ok then I guess the only thing left is to get my coat, and then I’m done. God I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I’m about to leave him how am I supposed to survive this? Stop it. I have to tell myself cause if I think about it to much who knows what I’ll do, I mean he’s my life..... I shake my head to let the thoughts leave for just a little longer, just till I get out of here. Then I turn and head to the closet. ************************************************************************ Brian’s POV: It looks like he’s gotten everything and now the only thing left is his coat. I can’t believe how fast he was. I can’t believe it’s almost over. He still hasn’t looked at me. He’s putting on his coat now. He just grabbed his back pack up off the bed, and is moving for the opposite stairs that I’m standing by so he goes threw the kitchen around to the couch. He puts his arms into the pack then grabs up the duffel bag and slings it over his left shoulder he heads over to the breakfast bar and grabs his cell phone puts it into his coat grabs his keys takes the loft keys and building keys off and puts them onto the counter I notice that he holds onto them for a second. This is killing me. He turns towards the door, but he still hasn’t looked at me. He has to look at me one more time before he leaves. I have to see his face, look into his eyes one more time just one more time. Then I’ll let him go. I just need one more time. Oh god he’s opening the door, no, no, no, he’s about to step threw it....Ah!!! “Did you get your allergy med’s?” He always forgets his allergy med’s. “Shit.....no I forgot them.” he hangs his head back, puts his head back down to look at the floor, turns around still looking at the floor and says “I’ll get them.” “No....I’ll get them.” I turn and head up the stairs and to the bathroom. This way I can get him to look at me before he leaves, and I never get to do it again. I get out my extra bag that I use when I go out on business trips from under the sink and open it up. Then I get into the medicine cabinet. He has so many different med’s he has to take, it’s pretty unbelievable. Ok allergy med’s, headache med’s, pain med’s, muscle relaxers. He didn’t take his favorite shaving cream, or his favorite aftershave. I love the way they smell on him, especially since he doesn’t wear but a couple times a week since he doesn’t have to shave that often. I grab them up and put them in the bag as well. Then I look over and sure enough he didn’t get his favorite shampoo, conditioner, not even his favorite soap. So I grab another bag from underneath the sink and get the shampoo conditioner and soap into that one. I want him to have the things that he likes. Damn it! That’s it. I turn and go back down the stairs and I stand right in front of him. He’s looking out the windows now. That’s better than the floor. Right? “Here you go. “ I say in a nice soft voice, as I hold out the bags. He looks at them and I continue “I got you your favorite shave cream, after shave, shampoo, conditioner, and soap.” He takes hold of the bags and says “Thanks.” he puts down his duffel and back pack. He leans down and opens his back pack and puts the extra bags into it, closes it up slings his arms back into it. He stands up and is picking up his duffel bag...” Where are you going to go?” I have to know where he will be at least. I have to know that he’ll be safe. “I’m going to head over to Daphne’. I’m sure she’ll let me crash with her.” Good, at least I know he’ll be safe at Daphne’s. he slings his duffel bag back over his left shoulder. “ let me know when it’s a good time and I’ll get your computer delivered to you.” That does it....He looks directly into my eyes....and I’m not to sure what must have been thinking now cause the pain that I see in his eyes is enough to break a man. I have to look away from him so I look at the floor. “No.....Brian you bought that computer it’s yours.” I look back at him then so he knows I’m not lying. “No I bought that computer for you, you need it.....and I want you to have it...ok?” he looks at me for a couple seconds than he looks at the floor again. “Ok.” I hear him say. Then he looks back into my eyes and says ”Thank you Brian.......for everything.” he says it so softly that I have to strain to hear him. But I do and I nod my head. I wanna say thank you too but that would just start a whole other conversation that will never happen now. So I just say what there is left to say and I have to literally rip them from my throat. “Goodbye Justin” ************************************************************************ Justin’s POV: Oh my god. This is really the end. I know my eyes have to be huge right about now but I couldn’t help it. He’s never said goodbye to me before, never. Its always been later, or something along those lines but he has never said goodbye. I swallow hard and rip the words from my throat. While I tell myself this will make him happy... “Goodbye Brian.” with that I have to get out of here so I turn and start down the stairs I could never wait for the elevator. Plus he’s watching me. I turn the corner and I can’t stop myself I start running down the stairs and out the building doors gasping for air. I feel like I cant breath....I feel completely dead inside. Brian now has everything I had to give. I have nothing left. I sit down on the edge of the sidewalk, pull out my cell phone and call a cab, they’ll be here in about ten minutes. I put the phone back in my pocket and put my head in my hands. There is only one thing that is going threw my mind right now and that is at least my heart will always be with him, will always belong to him. Even if he doesn’t know it. I just hope that maybe in some way he’ll be able to feel it....the cab has pulled up now and I look up at the loft windows as I stand up and all the lights are off. He’s probably relieved that he gets to have his bed back to himself again. The cabby takes my bags and opens up the trunk and throws them in. Some wind hits my face and I notice that I’ve been crying. Well I’m surprised I lasted this long. I wipe the tears away, but they keep on coming, as I take one last look up to where my life is and always will be, where the man I love is and to where my heart will always be. But now it’s time to let him have his life back so I climb into the cab, but as soon as I’m in I look back up “Where too?” I give him Daphne’s address and we pull off, but I never take my eyes off of the loft until we turn the corner and I couldn’t see it anymore. I didn’t know it was possible to be dead, but still have to live....... ************************************************************************ Brian’s POV: I watched him walk down the stairs then once he got around the corner, I heard him run down the stairs and out slam out the buildings door. Then and only then did I close up the loft door set the alarm turn off all the lights and move over to the windows. I watched him sitting on the sidewalk with his hands in his head. I put my hand against the window and smoothed it down where his beautiful blonde hair showed. I wipe away the tears that started the moment he turned the corner of the stairs, but they keep on coming. His cab pulls up and he stands up, and turns to look at the loft windows I see the cabby take his bags and I’m glad he’s getting help they got to be heavy and I know his hand still isn’t all the way better. The wind blows against his face and his hair and I think now he realizes he’s been crying, cause I see him wipe away the tears but like me they keep on coming.... “I’m sorry baby but this really is for the best. You deserve better and now you can have it. I couldn’t let you throw your life away on someone like me I’m not worth it. I want you to be happy to have everything you ever wanted. Everything I couldn’t bring myself to give you. I wanted to, god I wanted to, and I tried but I just couldn’t do it, and I love you too much to let you keep on going on like it doesn’t matter when I know you deserve it. Baby you deserve everything the world has to offer. You’ll always have my heart, my love, and you will always be my life. My everything. Even if you never know it. I hope in some way you’ll feel it in your heart. “ God I didn’t know it was possible to be completely dead and still have to live......