It was cold. Not just cold, but freezing. Brian fumbled with his lighter, piece of shit.. come on, work damnit! Today had not been a good day, and as it started to sleet, Brian knew that this Friday night was only going to get worse. Where the fuck is my car? He stumbled his way down the sidewalk wondering what sort of shit was laced in that pretty powder he took earlier. Maybe it was that and the alcohol that was making him feel sick. Where is my fuckin’ car?! He couldn’t believe what kind of day he was having. At work he had to deal with a client from hell, plus he ended up missing lunch and having to cancel a visit with Gus to then deal with his mother-- actually his sister who was calling on behalf of ‘Mommy Dearest.’-- And now to add more shit into his shitty pit of a day he was just brushed off by some lousy trick. I can’t believe he didn’t want to fuck.. me.. what the fuck?.. when did this happen? Not that he really wanted to fuck the trick, but even a bad fuck is a good fuck. But it didn’t matter either way because the twat completely brushed him off. He had to get home to his partner.. what a fucked up excuse... He didn't know how long he had been wandering up and down the sidewalks, as soon as he he left Babylon he found himself throwing up on the side of the curb. He must've dozed off for a bit as he sat there, because he found himself lying against the brick wall once the sound of screeching tires alerted him to his predicament. Staggering back to his feet, Brian continued to stumble up the sidewalk to all the parked cars. “Where is my goddamn car?” This couldn’t be happening. Did it get stolen? Towed? His head was spinning What was in that shit I took?… He needed to lie down, but the icy-cold street was not an option. Maybe I should call Mikey… wait.. no, I don’t need a lecture, not tonight… shit.. what I need is to be in MY bed in MY loft… where is my car?!?!?!?! It was useless, he could barely walk straight, much less see clearly anymore,as the freezing wind blew the sleet horizontally. Of course I left my coat in the goddamn jeep… Leaning over a parked car, Brian sighed loudly. Could this day get any worse?. His head hurt, and his fingers were starting to burn from the cold. Rubbing his palms together, he rests his forehead on his clasped hands and continues to lean over the hood of the car, his stomach grazing the wet frame. Slowly he found himself starting to doze off. “Brian?” He felt his mind jerk awake, but everything felt like it was in a fog. Shit, tell me I’m hearing voices… He doesn’t move, hoping the voice will disappear. “Brian? You okay?” Between clenched teeth Brian makes no effort to hide his annoyance, “What do you want…. Sunshine.” He made sure to enunciate his last word like a spit.

“Are you okay?” Justin waits for a response, wondering what was Brian doing in the middle of a below-zero night without a coat on or even an umbrella, dozed off on top of the car's hood. He himself hadn't planned to be out tonight, but needed to meet one of his classmates who lived nearby regarding a class project. Once he realized the time, he quickly called Ethan and told him he was leaving towards the subway now. Now, however, seeing Brian half-frozen on the side of the road made him decided to change his plans entirely. “Brian? Did you hear me?” Brian remained with his back to him, and Justin can’t help but stare at his ass, thinking, ‘Is he doing this on purpose?…’ God, how Justin wished he could touch him… but he made his choice, and that was that. Brian wasn’t willing to give him what he wanted. Brian didn’t WANT to give him what he wanted. Justin knew that if he stayed with Brian without anything changing, he would die inside. He wanted someone who would make him feel special; not like some hole in the mattress. Ethan was sweet, and he loved Justin. But that only made Justin feel worse because he didn’t love Ethan back… shaking away those thoughts, he asks again, louder this time, “Brian, are you okay?”

Finally Brian moves slightly, shifting his weight, “WhaddayouwanJustiiin…?” Justin shook his head, “Jesus, Brian, you're wasted!" In the past two years that they had known each other, Justin had learned the signs of when Brian was more than high on drugs and alcohol. His only reply is a chuckle. This coming from Boy Wonder… Justin shakes his head, “You are in no condition to drive.. and what happened to your coat?” Brian tries to straighten up, but his head feels like a 10 ton brick..God, I feel awful…. “inajeep..” Brian knew he should have been wearing it when he entered Babylon earlier that night, but after finding out that Ted' coat was stolen there last night, Brian refused to risk the chance of having his Armani coat taken as well. Besides, he thought, the air wasn't as frigid as it was now. The news didn't say a thing about it sleeting today. Of course the weatherman wouldn't say that... why in the hell would he want to be accurate? “So why aren’t you wearing it?” I thought I was the one sloshed here, didn’t I just tell him it was in my jeep? It takes him awhile to find the words, “..told you… I.. in..it.. jeep..”

Justin is can only shake his head, ‘Why is Brian letting himself freeze out here? His coat is in his jeep.. and he’s leaning on his jeep… what is wrong with him? “Brian, let me give you a ride home.”

Brian snorts, having a hard time to speak Fuck, I can’t even feel my fuckin’ tongue, “youfinaboughtcar?”

Justin smiles, amazed he can actually understand what Brian is saying, “No, Brian. I meant that I would drive you home in your jeep.”

Brian groans, feeling like his insides are twisting in knots Either I need more drugs or to sleep… whatever comes first… “fuckatokmyeep”

Justin purses his lips together, “A fucker took your jeep?.. what are you talking about? Brian, you are leaning on top of your jeep… Brian?” Justin has noticed that his former lover’s body, who has been shaking slightly for sometime now, was now shaking much more violently. “Brian, give me your car keys.. Brian?… Brian?!” Frustrated, Justin reaches into Brian’s pocket and pulls out the key, “I’m driving you home.. fuck, Brian, are you trying to die from hypothermia?” Opening the car door, Justin practically has to drag Brian inside before placing the seatbelt on him. He was worried, Brian didn’t look too good. “Brian, should I take you to the hospital?”

It takes until Justin is already in the driver’s seat and starting the car for Brian to finally answer, “no… jushome.” Justin bites his lip, hoping that the hypothermia that Brian obviously was suffering from was only mild…”Okay, Brian.. I’ll drive you home.. but stay with me.. Brian?..Brian!” Brian sighs, “mm..here.. shu-up.. lemmesleep..” “No, Brian. If you sleep then I’m taking you to the hospital.. keep the coat over you, Brian.. I turned on the heat.. just try to get warm… can you feel the heater on?… Brian? .. Brian, can you feel the heater?” Brian ,Why is he shouting?.. such a drama queen.. .fuck it was probably CK.. yeah, the K was laced… did I take K or E.. fuck, I took the whole damn alphabet tonight… who the fuck cares… why is Justin here anyway? Doesn’t he live with that fiddle-fuck?.. maybe they broke up?.. naw, I would’ve heard if they did… not that I care.. well maybe I do.. but who cares… I don’t.. I do.. no wait.. fuck.. what was I was just thinking about?… tomorrow is what.. is today Friday?.. fuck if I know… I can’t feel my toes…

Justin watches Brian’s face as he quickly drives him back to the loft. He was scared shitless, ‘what if this is serious?.. maybe I should just take him to the hospital.. but maybe it’s just a drug he took?.. I don’t know what to do!!! Fuck! By the time he parked the car, Justin was ready to reverse back out of the lot and head straight to the emergency room, when Brian suddenly slurred, “itboutfuckintime…” Justin laughs, relieved, and quickly runs out to help Brian step onto the curb, who is just too tired and cold to push him away.

Brian pretends not to notice Justin watching his every move with serious concern, instead he tries to concentrate on walking. But soon his mind starts to wander back to his companion,.Justin looks good.. he always looks good.. damn him.. why is he even here?…and why in the fuck do my legs have to feel like rubber now?.. I can walk.. no I can’t.. fuck…He does make a good cane… **chuckle** he’s always been good for so many things… shit… whatever the fuck… he chose his life… I’m not going to be some flower-buying-poet reading-romantic sap of mushy shit… that’s not me… he wanted it, he has it with the fiddler, good for him… I don’t care… I don’t care… I think I’m going to be sick… dizzy… make the floor stop moving.. elevator? Are we on the elevator?… my eyes are closed or open?.. I can’t see… I think they’re closed… when did they close?.. I don’t remember.. remember.. member.. members.. balls.. cock.. cock… I wonder who’ll be at Babylon tonight?.. wait.. it is tonight.. was I suppose to meet Mikey tonight?.. shit was that tonight?…My head hurts.. like a fuckin’ nail to the brain.. I need.. I need… I need to fuck.. that’ll make it better.. just a fuck.. any fuck will do… I can’t believe that asshole brushed me off… prick… no one has ever… fuck… are we moving again?.. Damn he’s strong.. I don’t think I’m walking.. he’s doing most of the walking… damnit he’s making me dizzy… stop… stop walking too fast… stop… stop… am I awake?… I feel like shit… stop walking… stop….enough…

Justin stumbled over and onto the bed with Brian beside him. Panting, Justin asks, “Brian?.. you okay?.. we’re home…” Brian frowns, Home? We’re home? What does he mean by that? It’s my loft.. not ours.. we’re home?.. this isn’t his home.. where is the ‘we’r’e in that?… “Brian?!!!!” “Ahg.. shu-up.. peeze.. shu…” He can barely say anymore, but can feel Justin pulling off his clothing, “whathefuckyoudoin’.?.” Justin continues to undress the half-conscious man, “I’m getting you out of these wet clothing, Brian… you could help…wet jeans are kind of hard to pull off…” Instead of helping, Brian mutters something that sounds like “fuck off,” but Justin doesn’t bother listening to him since he knows he isn’t planning on helping him.

Finally getting him naked, Justin tries not to look. He can’t help it though, his mind starts to race with so many tantalizing memories and sudden new fantasies.. ’No,’ he scolds himself, ‘this isn’t right.. come on, Justin.. don’t be a jerk.. you’re with Ethan now.. Brian doesn’t love you.. just stop looking.. stop looking.. no more thoughts… away.. away! Get out of my head… my God, look at him!! Forcing himself to stop, he hurries to the bathroom to turn on the shower, calling, “Brian?! I’m turning on the shower… it’ll help… I think.. right? Brian? A shower will help, right?…Brian? Damnit, will you say something?!” Panicking, he quickly returns to the bedroom, “Brian?.. Brian???” His panic turns into full-blown hysteria, as soon as he touches his cold face, “Brian?!?!?!?!”

“goway…,” Brian finally mumbles out, unable to move. “No fuckin’ way,” is all Justin is able to say, forcing back his tears. ‘God, Brian, please don’t leave me.. you have to be all right.. you have to!’ He remembered learning about what to do when someone had hypothermia from the first aid class he had to take in high school. Everybody, including him, used to make fun of Dr. Malone's lecture on hypothermia. Who knew that that little joke of a lecture would actually be important for him to remember one day? Body heat was the best way to bring Brian's temperature back to normal. Quickly undressing himself, he wraps his arms and legs around Brian’s ice-cold body, rolling the two of them in the comforter to insulate their body heat. “I’m not leaving… Brian, please.. please tell me it’ll be okay.. please…” The fear in his voice slowly brought Brian’s mind back to the front, ‘What is he doing?.. is this for real.. ‘ The thought of Justin’s naked body on him was enough to make him want to open his eyes, but his lids felt like lead. He missed him. Not like he would ever admit it, but he missed Justin. He missed waking up to him every morning and being with him every night… he missed hearing him laugh and knowing that it was HIM that was making him laugh. He missed seeing his bright smile, and how Justin knew exactly what to say and what to do to make him feel better no matter how shitty his day went… he even missed the small bickers they would occasionally have over the stupidest things. Somehow Justin always knew how to make a debate worthwhile… but it didn’t matter. None of what he did was good enough for Justin. He didn’t blame him though, he knew he was taking Justin for granted. He wanted it all, and at first Justin seemed fine with it… but then it changed. When did that happen? One day Justin was suddenly dubbed his boyfriend; they were sharing meals and even completing each other’s sentences. It was too much. Brian wasn’t ready, he didn’t WANT to be ready. So he had to let Justin go. He just wished it wasn’t to be with Ethan. He barely knew the guy but he knew the type: a talker. And not just any talker, but a talker who preyed on the vulnerable. Justin was hurt and vulnerable, and Ethan took advantage of that. Of course Brian blamed himself for that. He knew Justin was hurting, but so was Brian. Even so, Brian wished he could turn back time and change the last conversation he and Justin had before the Rage party. Maybe things could have been different then?

Justin could feel Brian’s body temperature slowly return to normal as they both began to sweat under the heavy comforter. ‘Thank God,’ he thought to himself. ‘I almost lost him… I don’t think I could’ve been able to handle it… is he asleep?… I can hear him breathing.. I missed that… I miss so much… I miss him… but he probably doesn’t miss me back… why should he?… I doubt he even notices my absence… if only things could have been different. He tries not to cry as he rests his cheek against Brian’s moist skin. The loft is quiet. Both men lay there alone in their thoughts, neither one moving. It felt good to be like this again, even under the circumstances that they were in. Feeling each other’s naked bodies pressed tightly against one another was beyond comforting. .it made sense. Somehow they manage to fall asleep.

I guess HE doesn't like Justin being here...I bet HE can't do the things I can do to Justin in bed...… the thought made him smile. Pretending to still be asleep, he doesn’t make a sound as Justin slowly crawls back into bed. Brian wonders how much Justin told Ethan about what happened. As soon as Justin snuggles back under the covers, Brian realizes that they are both still naked. This is what self-discipline is all about… He was hungry for Justin. I bet Ethan can’t do the things I can do to Justin in bed… Just the thought of the delicious facial expressions Justin would make when Brian was inside of him made him hard. He needed to feel him.. Justin was lying behind him, one arm resting over Brian’s shoulder as they both lay in the spoon position. Is he asleep? He had to know. Pretending to be in a deep slumber, Brian starts to straighten his legs out and quickly rolls to his other side. Justin doesn’t move, but he is awake. Brian senses that immediately, even with his eyes closed. What he doesn’t expect though is for Justin to curl up against his chest. Is he crying? Are those tears… why is he crying? What did that fuckin’ fiddler tell him to make him cry? That asshole… Instinctively, Brian wraps his arms around the young man. God, how he wanted to take that pain away from him, but would Justin let him?

After a few minutes, Justin whispers, “Brian?.. are you asleep?” Brian decides to play it safe and not say a word. Justin sighs, “guess so… ,” he sighs again, “do you even at least think about me sometimes?” When there is no response, Justin finds it safe to continue, “I miss you, Brian… I didn’t want to leave that night with Ethan… but suddenly that was what I was doing… you hurt me.. you hurt me so much.. I needed to feel something other than that… Ethan made me feel special.. he still makes me feel that way… but I don’t deserve it…” Brian wants to speak up, he wants to ask ‘why don’t you feel you deserve it?’, but fear holds him back as he remains in his mock-sleep, listening to the confession of his bed-mate. “Sometimes I wake up at night and think I’m back at the loft, and you’re sleeping here with me.. but then reality hits me… and I feel so alone… I don’t know why I let Ethan talk me into moving in with him.. it’s like I’m trapped… I feel trapped.. or lost.. I don’t know.. Brian.. I’m just so confused… I loved you… I love you… you hurt me, Brian… my heart couldn’t take it anymore… but now I feel so empty… I’m just empty…” He chuckles softly to himself, “You’re such a good listener when you’re asleep, Brian… sometimes I used to whisper things to you while you slept… I don’t know why.. that’s not true.. I do know why.. I would wait until you were asleep because I knew you would never want to hear those things when you were awake.” He sighs again, “I hope you are happy. I honestly do, Brian. I just.. I just want you know… that I am grateful for everything you’ve done for me.. and if I hurt you, I am sorry. My God, I am sorry… I know I hurt you.. I know I did, and I am sorry… I wish things could have been different.. I wish so many things…” by this time his voice was beginning to crack, and Justin knew it was time to stop. Closing his eyes, he once again buries his face onto Brian’s chest and waits for the sun to rise, as Brian forces his own tears not to slide.