The pounding of the drums droned in his ears. The entire festival was filled with people of all ages dressed in costumes. Even though Brian must have looked like an outsider, he felt completely at peace, hidden in the maze of people and vendors. He wasn’t in costume, like most tourists weren’t. He had to wonder if anyone was going to notice that he snuck out that night. This class trip was not what he had expected it to be. Now he was actually beginning to feel guilty for pawning off Mikey’s stereo to pay for it.

(the week prior:) Mikey, “Go for it! This could be a chance of a lifetime for you! Would you rather be hiding from your dad all summer at my place, or actually see another part of the world?!” Brian rolled his eyes, “You’re so dramatic. Besides, how am I suppose to pay for it? My parents sure in hell ain’t.” Mikey looked around in his bedroom, spotting the brand new stereo that he got for his birthday. “Here!” he goes over to it, “You can sell this.” “The fuck I will.” “Come on, Brian…” he whined, “One of us has to have an adventure this summer, and I doubt it’ll be me at my grandparents’ house.”

‘Some adventure,’ Brian thought with annoyance. Even miles away from home, his father was still managing to make his life a living hell. It was only two days ago when Brian had decided to end his life. Now it was his awaking, “No apologizes, no excuses, no regrets.” This was going to be his adventure of a lifetime whether his professor and the chaperones liked it or not.

“Brian?” Brian looked up from his desk. He had been staring at the advertising designs in front of him when he mind began to go elsewhere. “Yes, Cynthia?” “Your one o’clock meeting with that perfume company is here.” Brian nods, “Thanks.” She frowns, “You okay?” He nods again, half-paying attention to her, “I had a cold this weekend… still feeling a bit off, I guess.” He ends with ‘But-I-am-fine-as-always’ smile. She smiles back, “Well stay awake for this meeting.” He sarcastically retorts, “Only if I have to.”

The meeting was an unsurprising success. Of course Brian landed the client. It was a new perfume company that wanted something eye-catching and memorable as their ad. So obviously Brian made it about sex. Sex sells. And now as the other ad execs shook Brian’s hands to congratulate him, Brian suddenly began to feel empty. He remembered returning home from Chicago, announcing happily, “Your partner just made partner!” before realizing that Justin had left to Vermont. They never really had a proper celebration when Justin returned. Brian had actually planned to whisk Justin away to Vermont as soon as he returned from Chicago as a surprise. Unfortunately, Justin seemed to have had other plans. Nothing was ever good enough for that twink. he thought bitterly as he returned to his office. But Brian knew he made it hard for Justin. He had to. Life isn’t easy… why should anything else be? Sighing, he looks out the window. He was exhausted, and the day wasn’t over yet. He still had a dinner meeting at five with a shoe company, and then he had to stop by the diner to watch Justin. Like a damn baby-sitter. He scowled, how did he manage to put himself in these situations? Not that he minded watching Justin. He actually was looking forward to seeing him, which was why he was so upset. I’m not suppose to care. But he did care, and that was wrong. Brian Kinney was never supposed to care about anyone, much less some twink. Of course he cared about Gus, but that was different. Gus was his son. Brian never saw himself as a father, and now suddenly he was. No, I’m not… Melanie is. He smiled softly; he knew Lindsay would never try to keep Gus from him. Brian was Gus’s dad, and Brian refused to make the same mistakes that his own father did. He also cared about Lindsay… Debbie… Michael… but again, those were all different. It wasn’t the same as it was with Justin. And that pissed him off. He had let Justin get under his skin, break down those walls he fought so hard to put up… and for what? For nothing. Justin was gone. He made his choice, and there was no going back, Brian wouldn’t allow it. Justin deserves someone who can make him happy. I told him I wasn’t going to play those sick puppy-love games. He knew that, I told him that! And still he pushed. Stupid twink. Brian Kinney doesn’t do relationships. I almost lost my grip for awhile, but now I am back. I won’t fuck up like that again. Never again. Instinctively, Brian touched his cowry bracelet, remembering. Sighing, he turns to look at the window, whispering softly, “Never again.”

........................................

Justin slowly made his way to the diner. six until closing… it’s only four hours. I can do it. Maybe Brian will wait and show up right when I close?.. Walking through the door, Debbie was already waiting for him with a huge smile on her face, “Hey there, Sunshine!!” Justin smiles back, “Hey.” She turns to get her coat, “I really owe you one. Thank you.” Justin shakes his head, “It’s no big deal, really. Just have fun, okay?” She nods, kissing his cheek, “I sure will, Sunshine. You take care of yourself, okay?” He nods, “I will.” She gives him one last look, waving, before leaving out the door. Justin finally stops smiling, wondering if Brian was going to show up. Of course he will. He told Debbie he would… but why do I care? I shouldn’t care. He doesn’t care. To him I’m nothing but some dumb twink.

The diner was busy, so the time went by rather quickly for Justin until around nine o’clock, when he found himself alone to his thoughts. Sitting down, he wondered how life would have been if he never met Brian. Would he still be in Pittsburgh? What if he never went home with Brian that night? It was strange because he couldn’t imagine how his life could ever be without knowing him. Shaking his head, he pulls out his sketchbook. He had been drawing all day, between and during classes, at lunch... whenever he had a free moment. He needed to immerse himself in his art: that was the only thing that had remained constant in his life. And now he found himself sketching from memory… Brian’s eyes the night he saw Ethan and Justin together at the Rage party. Brian had removed his mask for a moment, and that moment was forever burnt in Justin’s mind. Those eyes had so many layers of emotions in them that Justin thought he would simply drown in them if he looked for a second longer. At that moment, Brian walked in. Justin pretended not to notice, but he did stop sketching. He turned the page, and then changing his mind, closed the sketchbook and put it back in his schoolbag. Brian sat down at the counter. He was exhausted. I could be at Woody’s right now. Why can’t Deb serve alcohol here? I need a fuckin’ drink. Finally Justin looked up. “Rough day, Brian?” he asked nonchalantly. Brian gave him a fake smile in response, “Actually it was quite productive.” Justin nods, walking to the diner's kitchen and away from Brian’s vision. He needed to think. It was too hard acting cold, as if nothing mattered. How does Brian do it? Shaking his head, he tried to re-group. He needed to focus on acting like he didn’t care, that way, once they got in the car he could bring up the kiss. He needed to know what that kiss meant. It probably meant nothing, at least to Brian… but I need to hear it from his mouth.

Brian sighed, Where did that little fucker go? He smiled suddenly, remembering the day Justin introduced him to playing ‘Strip Marco Polo.’ Each time he would find an article of just-worn clothing in the loft, Brian would call ‘Marco,’ and wherever Justin was hiding, he would have to remove another article of clothing, call out ‘Polo’ and hide once again until Brian found him, naked or not…usually naked. Well he definitely never bored me. Frowning, he realized Justin still hadn’t come out of the kitchen, “What in the fuck are you doing?!” Justin jumped, he had been standing in the kitchen for some time now, just thinking, remembering. He loved Brian, and that hurt him more than anything ever could because he knew that Brian would never tell him those words. because he doesn’t believe in it. How can you not believe in love? I don’t understand that. I wish he could explain it to me. Brian calls out again, his voice tense with annoyance, “Where the fuck are you, Justin?!” Justin slowly appears, “I’m right here.” Brian nods, “I see that.” When he sees that Justin isn’t returning to the kitchen, he starts to panic. Oh shit, he’s going to want to talk… I knew it! Fuck, Kinney, why did you have to call him out of the kitchen? “Brian?” Brian could tell from the hesitation in Justin’s voice that this was going to be a serious discussion. Not if I can help it, Brian thought to himself as he asked, “How’s my sketch?” Justin stopped, “What?” “My sketch. You promised me a drawing. Is that what you were doing earlier?” Justin stares at him coolly, “I am not planning to draw you anything, Brian, until I get some answers.” Justin remained cool and steady, but inside he was trembling. Brian tries to act unfazed, changing the topic, “How’s the fiddler?” Justin looks away from Brian’s gaze, “Fine,” and returns to the kitchen. Brian nods, That was fuckin’ close. Rubbing his eyes, he felt exhausted. He just wanted to go home and sleep, Fuck Woody’s, just get me to bed. But he couldn’t. He had to wait until Justin closed the diner, and then he had to drive him home. Groaning, he goes over to one of the booths and sits sideways with his legs in front of him, one elbow on the table. The diner was dead. No one was coming. Why can’t he just close early? No one will know! Why?… I’ll tell you why, because he wants to ‘talk.’ The brat wants to have a grown-up conversation… shit… He squints his eyes, bringing his fist to his forehead as he wishes this night would just end. I just want to go to bed and sleep…if Justin and I were still together I could just fuck him and he’d leave me alone… He smiled at the memory...

Brian shakes his head, Justin was one-of-a-kind, there was no doubt about that. Justin walks over to the booth, “Hi.” Brian looks up, Fuck, he looks hot. Brian tried to look bored, “Hmm?” Justin takes a step to the side, blocking him from getting off of the bench-seat. He wasn’t planning on letting Brian get away from this upcoming conversation that easily. Brian slides forward, snaking his legs around Justin’s knees as they buckle against the bench. Justin steadies himself by grabbing the edge of the table with one hand, Brian’s shoulder with another. Brian continued to stare at him, finally he says below a whisper, “Hi.” Justin wanted to faint right there. He needed to think, What did I want to tell him? “Um.. thanks for driving me home.” No, that wasn’t it! Brian’s voice remains steady and warm, “I haven’t driven you yet.” Justin blushes, forgetting, “Right.. well, you know what I mean…” he was getting flustered. Shit, pull yourself together! It’s just Brian… Brian… He wanted to scream, ‘I love you!! I hate you!!’ But refrained. If only he’d let go… then I can go back to the kitchen… Slowly, Brian put his arms around Justin’s waist, not breaking eye contact as he remained with his ‘bored’ expression. His voice spoke something entirely different though. His voice was soft and full of heat, “Is it time?” Justin felt weak, “Time?” Brian nodded, “For me to drive you home.” Justin could only nod. Stop looking at me. Brian wished he could stop looking at Justin, but he couldn’t. Stop looking at him! He ached for him. Shit, pull yourself together! He pulled Justin closer, and Justin’s knees buckled against the edge of the seat, pushing Justin towards him. Brian catches him, their lips seconds apart. Don’t kiss him, Kinney.. don’t.. don’t… Justin stares at his mouth, Oh God, what am I doing?… why do I feel these things? What’s wrong with me? Brian stares down his own panic, Fuck it. And roughly presses his lips against Justin’s.