Looking back down at his bracelet. He now understood everything. That night changed him forever before he even realized it. He had trusted Ahmed... and that night was when it had all begun to unravel. But Brian had remained steadfast. He believed he was in love, and he stayed with Ahmed. He followed his lead and continued to be blinded until it was too late. He had already become someone else and Ahmed was lost to him. Ahmed had lied. Even worse, he had abandoned him. Never again.. never the fuck again. He would never let anyone get that close to him again. He remembered that pain. The pain he thought would never end. When he returned to Pittsburgh that August he didn't say a word. Mikey wanted details, but Brian said nothing. He would never admit to Mikey how he let love in that summer, and how it nearly killed him. But I don't learn... here I am with Justin... fuck... that fuckin' twat... and I.. I.. Don't say it, Kinney!.. Don't you dare say it.. never again. Don't say those words. You don't believe in those words. They mean nothing. They mean nothing. Love is shit. Gulping down his drink, he walks over to the window, looking down at the world below. He could still see Ahmed's face. It held all the mystery of the world in it. His eyes were dark as the night, and his features were undeterminable. He could pass as Arabian, however he was born in the Comoro Islands. So his features also included African and Malagasy. Ahmed was unworldly in Brian's eyes. He was everything new and exciting that Brian wanted to live and know. But the consequence of that desire was his demise. He tugs on the bracelet on last time. Though one of the strings was loose, it was still strong. The bracelet was secure on his wrist, as it should be. Walking back to the bedroom, Brian knew it was time for Justin to get up. Just get the fuck out of my place, Justin. Just get the fuck out...
Justin groaned, putting the pillow over his head as Brian turned on the light. "Turn it off!! Turn it off!!! Jesus Christ, turn it the fuck off!!!!" Brian stopped for a second, turning off the light again. Quietly he states, "Time to go home, Justin." Brian wasn’t sure if he heard him or not because Justin didn’t move. Repeating himself a bit louder this time, he says, “Justin, go home.” If Justin was awake he showed no reaction. Taking a few steps closer to the bed, Brian tried to remain patient. “Go home, Justin.” Justin was awake he just chose not to get up. I am not moving. He knew he wasn’t wanted here. Maybe that was why he wanted to stay? He was so confused. The nap eased his head but not his heart. All I want is for Brian to love me…. He felt numb. He needed to feel warmth, anything real. I just need… I need Brian… Brian argues, “Will you get the fuck off my bed and get out?!” Justin doesn’t move, which only irritates Brian. He yanks the pillow out of Justin’s hands, raising his voice, “Get the fuck out!” Through the dimness of the room Justin can see the shadow of Brian before him. Slowly he leans up on his side, asking coolly, “Planning on having company soon?” Brian decides to piss him off, “And if I am? Why the fuck do you care? You have fiddle-fuck.” Justin is silent, trying not to show that Brian’s words hurt him, “I don’t care. I was just asking…. It’s nice to know that nothing has changed with you.” He makes sure his voice is dripping his sarcasm. Brian crosses his arms, “Good, now get out.” Justin sits up, noticing that his shoes were off. I must have kicked them off in my sleep… where are they? “Where are my shoes?” Brian frowns, looking at the foot of the bed, “Over here. Put them on and go home. This isn’t a hotel.” Justin stifles a yawn, watching Brian leave the room. Asshole. Justin couldn’t figure him out. Why do I even try? He picks up one of his shoes, looking at it pensively. Maybe I should first call Daphne?… no, Brian might hear me. Shit… I guess I can just walk back to the campus… He wasn’t going to ask Brian for money, that he was definitely sure of.
Brian paced in the living room. What was taking Justin so long? Did that little shit fall back to sleep? He wanted to go out. He wanted to disappear in the backroom of Babylon for awhile. Will that little brat ever get the fuck out of my room?! Angerily, he walks back into the room to find Justin still sitting on the bed, just looking at one of his shoes in his hands. The other shoe was still on the floor. Brian is dumbfounded, “Justin! Get the fuck out already!” As if waking up from a trance, Justin slowly turns to face him, “Hmph?” He walks over to the bed, bending forward to meet his eyes. “I said: Get the fuck out.” Justin smirks, “Gladly.” Nodding, Brian turns to leave again, but then decides to stay and watch Justin put on his shoes. Justin, knowing that he is being watched, decides to annoy Brian by slowly undoing the laces first, and then putting it back on the floor before picking up the pair to do the same. Brian shakes his head, knowing that Justin was doing this on purpose. It wasn’t worth a response. Well I might as well help with his speed… “How’s the fiddler?” Justin picks up the first shoe again, ignoring the question and asking Brian, “How’s Babylon?” He presses, “Why don’t you go and find out for yourself?… oh, that’s right, your little fiddle-fuck doesn’t like that shit.” Justin slowly makes eye-contact with Brian, announcing, “If you mean fucking a bunch of nameless tricks in the backroom or picking them up on the dance floor to take back home with you?… then yes, Ethan doesn’t like that ‘shit,’ and neither do I.” Brian walks over to him, teasingly, “Oh yeah?…” Justin nods, “Yeah.” He smiles inwardly, commenting, “That’s not what I remember.” Justin pretends to yawn, “That’s what you WANT to remember, Brian. I never wanted to trick in the first place… and when I did, I only did it around you.” “Except with the fiddler.” Justin is silent. He didn’t want to argue. It was true though, he never did like to trick, but he did it because Brian did… and part of him hoped that by tricking in front of Brian, he would make Brian jealous. But that didn’t seem to work. In fact, Brian suddenly began to encourage it, inviting tricks home for threesomes and foursomes… and then of course there was the hustler that Brian gave to him as a birthday present. That angered him. Justin had wanted Brian to love him so much that he molded himself into something that he thought Brian would want. It wasn’t until he met Ethan that he then realized what was happening, and by then it seemed too late. Brian was fucking around and taking him for granted. He didn’t care where he was or whom he was with. Justin couldn’t take that anymore. He wanted something more. He wanted someone who would want him and only him. He thought he had that with Ethan… but he didn’t love Ethan. He loved Brian. But no one is worth this pain.
Brian hated it when Justin did that. He knew Justin had just shut-down, and he hated that. He needed to wake him up; he needed this fight. “Maybe you should take the fiddler to Babylon one night?” Justin rolled his eyes, Why in the fuck is he still on this? “He’s not interested.” Brian nods, taking another step closer to Justin, “Then maybe you should go without him.” Justin slowly looks up at him, studying his face. What is he trying to prove? Brian shrugs, taking a step back, “Whatever the fuck,” and leans against the dresser. He would wait for Justin to make the next move. Justin drops the shoe on the floor again, leaning back on the bed against his palms; he liked being in the darkness. It wasn’t completely dark, but a comfortable dimness. It felt nice. “I saw Gus the other day… he’s getting so tall.” Brian nods. Justin cocked his head to one side, glancing over at Brian, “He looks like you. Not like a clone or anything… but he does look a lot like you.” Again Brian only nods in response. Justin didn’t mind though and continued, “I heard that Ted and Blake got back together… Lindsay told me…” He stretches out on the bed, lifting his arms over his head, “Is it true about Emmett?” Brian tries to stay focused as he watches Justin lie on the bed. Shit... Justin repeats himself, “Is it true?” Brian looks away, “About him dating that Calvin Klein model? Yeah.” Justin laughs, “That is so cool! How long have they been dating?” Brian frowns, “How the fuck should I know?” Justin chuckles softly, rolling over to his stomach, “Right.. I forgot… you don’t care about those things.” Brian licks his lip. Oh fuck. He wanted him. If Justin knew, he pretended not to notice as he sat up on his knees on the bed, “And Michael is happy with Ben?” Brian nods. Just stop moving… Leave it to Justin to be unable to stay still. He watches as Justin leans back slightly, kicking his legs out straight in front of him, “Ben’s nice.” Brian swallows hard, trying to look at anything but Justin. He’s such a fuckin’ tease… if he's doing this on purpose.. is he? Justin crawls back on his knees, stopping at the edge of the bed to look at Brian, “So what about you?” Brian shifts against the dresser, “What about me?” Justin smiles, “Well… Mikey is with Ben, Ted is with Blake, and Emmett is with that model… what’s his name?” Brian shrugs, “Why the fuck would I care?” Justin continues to smile, getting off the bed. “So… are you seeing anyone?” He smirks, “Every night… and never the same trick twice.” Justin nods, walking over to him, asking, “So what did that make me?” Brian knew he was referring to what happened in the jeep, “Just a fuck, Justin.” Justin nodded. If he was offended he didn’t show it. He continues to smile, “There are only so many gay men in Pittsburgh, Brian… are you planning to migrate?” Brian smiles back, “I’m always open to new ideas,” he walks away from Justin’s eyes, remarking, “And there is always a travel clause.” Justin laughs, sitting back down on the bed. Things never change. Brian decides to change the subject, “How’s my drawing?” Justin arches his eyebrow, Here we go. “Not in existence.” Brian nods, “So I’m buying a table?” Justin sits up on his knees, deciding to play along, “Yes. Brian, buy a table. In fact, why don’t you go over to Target and pick one up?” Brian crosses his arms, knowing that Justin was playing with him. “Unless Target means Italian…” Justin laughs, rolling over to one side to reach his sneakers from off the floor. Brian walks over to them, standing on one of the laces. Justin continues to lie on the bed, holding the trapped shoe. He asks, thinking that it would make Brian step off the lace, “What do you want the drawing to be of?” Brian doesn’t move. He stares at Justin’s body… I want him.
Slowly, Justin lifts his head to look up at Brian. He asks again, “What do you want the drawing to be of, Brian?” Brian breathes in, unable to take his eyes off of Justin. Justin lets go of the shoe, sitting up on his knees, “Well?” It was hard controlling himself with Brian, but Justin was doing it. Brian had to applaud him for that. Smiling, Brian replies, “Something that you think suits me.”
He frowns, not sure whether or not to laugh, “Something that suits you? What are you talking about?” Brian lightly shrugs, “Something that you feel… is me.” He smiles, leaning in closer to Brian, “You are you. So how about YOU tell me.” He shakes his head, “No. I want you to tell me what you think I am, or what you think represents me… I want to know.” Justin didn’t realize how hard a question like this would be. It had so many answers to it, “In a drawing?” Brian nods, “In a drawing.” Justin exhales slowly. Shit, this is going to be tough. They stare at each other. Justin can tell that Brian is trying to read his thoughts, but Justin had learned. He wasn't planning on letting Brian get to him. Within several seconds however, Justin begins to wonder if his cheek has a bruise on it. It's dark though... he can't tell... it looks like a shadow probably... Brian saw the sudden look of panic appear in Justin's eyes before disappearing once again in the blue ocean of his eyes. He wondered what had set him off, what scared him so suddenly. But he knew that Justin would never say it. Not now at least. Secrets. He hated secrets, they were just as bad as lies. Lies.. like Ahmed's lies... that coward. He was married. That asshole was living a double-life and BRIAN was his secret... his lie.
Justin watched Brian's face tighten. He's mad... "What are you thinking about?" Brian doesn't answer as he clasps his hand over the back of Justin's neck, bringing his face forward slightly. His insides were quaking. He hated feeling this way... this mixed feeling of anger and lust and more anger... he hated Ahmed. He hated the fact that Justin had a secret, and he hated that he actually cared.
Justin kept staring at Brian's mouth. He ached to feel his lips. Oh God... just one taste... One taste to make the pain go away... Brian could tell that Justin wanted to be kissed. Kick him out, Kinney... just kick the fucker out... Brian wanted to scream, or break something. He hated feeling so helpless. All he could feel was the rage boiling up inside of him. Rage from Ahmed and thinking that all would be right in the world... to the pain... to Justin... so much anger and remorse with Justin... and seeing him leave with the Fiddler.. that was the final blow.... He could feel his own hands begin to tremble as he let go of Justin's neck, "Go home, Justin." Justin could see the turmoil on his face, and he softly answers, "No." Brian returns his grip on Justin's neck, knowing full well that he could easily kick him out, but remains quiet, "Go home." Justin repeats himself, "No." He wasn't sure why he was being difficult, but he really didn't want to leave. Brian leans in closer, his lips barely touching Justin's as he whispers huskily, "If you don't go home... I'm going to fuck you, Justin." The thought brought delicious chills down Justin's spine as he tried to will himself to leave. Just get out, Justin... you can do it.. you're stronger than this... Brian means nothing to you... he means nothing... Brian breathes in, not moving his face from Justin. He whispers, "Justin..." Get out, Justin... trust me... just get the fuck out... you don't want this... you have the fiddler now... But why did Brian care? I don't care who he's with.. I don't care, period. But... shit, come on, Kinney, kick him out before you do something you regret... like fucking him. Justin knows what he wants. I want Brian. Fuck everything else. I don't care. Live in the moment... fuck it all... "Fuck me."