Love’s Long Journey
Chapter 1
He always lived his life by his own code, and his own rules; no apologies, no regrets; fuck ‘um once; sorry is bullshit; and never do boyfriends or relationships. That is until the day he met Christian.
Like an unexpected cloud burst on a sunny day the confident, soft-spoken Mr. Christian Hamilton of CH Software Inc. had walked casually into the offices of Kinnetik at his scheduled appointment time and introduced himself. He was quickly ushered into the Brian’s office and that is when the sky opened up, and life and all the rules that he had once believed in began to change.
Christian had approached Kinnetik when his company was in need of a new advertising agency. A business acquaintance had highly recommended them; having been extremely pleased with their performance when he had used them himself.
Brian had moved to New York after working a few years; first for the Ryder Advertising Agency and then Vangard after Marty Ryder sold the agency to Gardner Vance. He had been their best, and a rising star, but at times he felt stifled working for men who didn’t always fully appreciate his talent and creativity. He became restless and frustrated making money for the other guy and constantly thought into going out on his own.
It had always been his dream to make it big in New York City; with his own agency. It was by no means an easy choice. He didn’t want to leave Gus but he made a solemn promise to himself, his son, and Lindsay that he would always be there for them despite the distance. And being as good as his word, he kept that promise. He made every effort to visit them at least a couple times of month and when he couldn’t make it due to business obligations, he’d send tickets to Lindsay so that she could bring Gus to the city. After his own unhappy childhood experiences, he vowed that his son would never know that side of life. What he desired most in life was for his son to know that he was wanted and loved.
As Gus got older, he spend his school breaks in New York, and being the ever-attentive parent, Brian made every effort possible to take time off from his work whenever he was in town. The two spent time visiting museums, seeing the latest Broadway plays, and just having fun father and son time playing in Central Park. Brian would do anything for Gus, even going so far as breaking his ‘no carbs after seven’ rule and eating pizza at the boy’s favorite place.
Times like these were very special for the two of them and Brian cherished every moment they spent together. There were many times that he wished they lived in the same city, so it would be easier for them to spend time together. This always made living in New York one of the most difficult things about actually being in the city, as that simple fact made his time with his son so limited. But he never truly regretted the move. His agency was highly successful, he had a beautiful loft, and the pick of available men whenever he decided to visit the clubs. Life for him couldn’t have been better.
Although he loved Gus with all his heart and he enjoyed his private life; there were times when he felt something was missing. It had gotten to a point where all the nameless, faceless tricks he once sought and conquered became more of a chore than anything else. No matter how many times he got off with a trick, he never felt satisfied or fulfilled; in fact, jerking off in the shower seemed more satisfying at times.
That is until he met Christian. He had no intentions of ever having a boyfriend, let alone a long lasting relationship or falling in love for that matter. He didn’t believe in love, as he thought it was something only straight people did. But he quickly realized that this man was different.
Christian was devastatingly handsome; in a very unassuming way. His striking resemblance to Brian was uncanny. But aside from the physical similarity that’s where it ended. Whereas Brian’s home life left him jaded and wary; never believing in love; Christian’s life had been the opposite.
Christian had come from a very loving and supportive family who knew of his sexuality and loved him as strongly as they did their other children. Brian had to earn a scholarship to attend college, while Christian’s family had the money to send him to an Ivy league school ten times over.
Brian’s heart had become hardened by the harsh realities of life and he had erected walls to protect himself. Christian, on the other hand, was an open and loving person who had never to suffered the adversities of life that Brian experienced.
The fact that Christian came from money by no means gave him anymore privileges than anyone else, because his parents didn’t believe in spoon-feeding their children or handing money out on a silver platter. They had to work for everything they wanted and were taught from an early age the value of a dollar. Despite being raised around affluence, they learned to appreciate money, never take it for granted or to flaunt it. Financial freedom was a gift; not something that they felt was their due.
Christian had taken his family values to heart and learned them well. After school, he started a computer software company, which overtime grew into a major contender in the competitive market. For the most part, he did it on his own using the money he’d saved working summer jobs. The rest had come from funds his grandfather had given him when he graduated.
He invested everything he had to start his own company. Beginning by renting space in a run down area of town where rent was cheap, he set about to make his fortune. It took him years of struggle and lost sleep to get his business off the ground, but once he did, it snowballed until there was no end in sight.
With competition coming from Asia Christian decided he needed a fresh ad campaign to promote his products in both the domestic and international markets. His current agency just wasn’t pushing the envelope far enough and their last few campaigns had been stale and tiresome. He wanted something innovative and eye-catching to open as yet untapped markets.
Enter one Brian Kinney, owner and founder of the hugely successful Kinnetik advertising agency. Christian had heard of it through an acquaintance who had used it and had been very impressed with the results that his campaign had produced. He was also impressed with the individual ads. They were unique and cutting edge.
Christian had arranged an appointment to meet with Kinney and as corny as it sounded, they met on a warm, sunny day in Spring.
The minute his new client walked into his office Brian didn’t know what hit him. Standing before him was a gorgeous man, with thick wavy hair and glittering blue eyes. He was stunned by the man’s beauty and for a mere instant, he was unnerved by his presence. But Brian, being the way he was, he instantly composed himself, put his game face in place, and his walls up. Extending his hand toward Christian, he felt a magnetic pull and when the two clasped hands, they both felt a jolt of something neither one of them could describe occurred. Standing, they shook hands a bit longer than one might deem business like, and both men locked eyes as they introduced themselves. Being interrupted by Brian’s assistant, Cynthia was their only saving grace as they broke free of each other’s grasps when she walked in.
“Excuse me, but can I get you two anything?” she inquired. It didn’t go unnoticed by his eagle-eyed assistant that something was passing between the two men. To her trained eye, she observed that her boss was caught a little off guard. Maybe he’s met his match in this new client she thought.
“Mr. Hamilton, can we get you anything?” Brian asked.
“No thanks, and please call me Chris,” replied the soft-spoken man whose unpretentious nature put anyone he came in contact with at ease.
“Cyn, that will be all for now,” Brian dismissed his assistant.
After the client had left, Cynthia came back into the office and found Brian standing by the window, staring out and completely lost in thought. He didn’t even hear his name being called.
“Brian,” Cynthia called as she entered. When she received no response she called him again, “Brian.” Concerned that something might be wrong, she approached and gently laid a hand on his shoulder.
Startled, he jumped at her touch as he was pulled out of his reverie. “Shit Cyn, you scared the hell out of me. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Hey Boss, I called your name twice.”
“You did? I didn’t hear you.”
“That’s obvious,” she chuckled. “Everything okay?” she inquired, receiving a nod in response. “You had such a faraway look when I came in. You sure everything is all right?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. Everything is fine.”
“So, how did it go with Mr. Hamilton?”
“Huh?” Brian said as he gave her a blank stare.
“You know, the good looking guy that just left your office…the one who’s interested in hiring Kinnetik to do an ad campaign for his company….you know that one,” his assistant stated with a hint of sarcasm. Cynthia had never seen her boss so off his game, and figured that he had been that way since Christian left his office. Then she noticed a soft smile tug at the corners of his lips. Damn, she thought, the handsome Mr. Hamilton has caught his attention. Shit, he must be gay. Why are all the good looking ones gay, she mused to herself.
“It went just fine. I have to work up some preliminaries and get the contract ready for him to sign, but it looks as if Kinnetik has a new client.
“That’s great. I’ll have legal start preparing the contract right away. When will you be meeting with him again? she asked with a twinkle in her eye.
“I told him I’d call when the contract was ready, so make sure that happens within the next day or so,” he gave her his best tongue-in-cheek smirk. “Oh, and Cyn, have Brett come to my office so I can get started right away. I want to have some roughs done at the same time,” he commanded.
“Yes Sir,” she stated giving him a mock salute as she exited the office, smiling to herself. She had never seen him react his way; this one must be special. He’s using the head of the art department to work on this. Yes indeed, she smiled to herself…this one must be special.
After Christian died Brian moved about in a haze of pain. It was a complete shock the day the call came in from a voice identifying himself as Officer McKinnon from the 54th precinct; he said he was looking for a Brian Kinney.
Brian felt his body turn cold and his mind go numb when the officer asked him to come down to Cedars hospital. A Christian Hamilton had been in an accident and his identification listed Brian as his contact.
Immediately after hanging up the phone, Brian grabbed his coat and shouted to Cynthia that there’s been an accident and he had to leave, as he ran to catch the elevator.
Cynthia noticed the pale grim look on her boss’ face and prayed to anyone that was listening that everything would be all right. She hoped the call she heard come in had nothing to do with Christian or Gus. Brian’s boys, as she liked to refer to them, were such a major part of his life that she wasn’t sure he could deal with it if anything happened to either one of them.
Gus had to come to live with Brian full time after Lindsay died following a prolonged illness. Her death had devastated both father and son, and it was a long time before they recovered from the loss. There were only a few people that Brian had ever allowed himself to love; Gus and Lindsay were among these chosen few. Even considering that all they had known that Lindsay’s death was inevitable, it had still been agonizing. Even Gus, at his young age, knew how sick his mother had been and Brian and Lindsay had done their best to prepare him. She had been sick for a long time, but still things weren’t easier when the end finally came. Both Gus and Brian were at her side when she died and they were able to say their goodbyes before she slowly closed her eyes and ceased to breath.
Grief overwhelmed both men, but Brian knew he had to do his grieving in private for Gus’ sake. All that seemed to matter to him was his son’s well being. He had to make sure his needs were put above all else; even his business. After Lindsay was laid to rest, Brian decided that what they both needed was to get away from the city for a while, so he made arrangements for them to go where there was fresh air and open skies, places his son would be able to run around. Much to his chagrin, Gus had said he wanted to go where he could rides horses all day and be a cowboy. It was all he talked about; going to a ranch. After all, he was at the age where being a cowboy was a career choice.
Doing some research on the Internet, Brian found the ideal place for them. It was not his idea of fun and relaxation, but as this point he would have done anything to take away the sad, haunted look in his son’s eyes and replace it with the mischievous sparkle that had always been evident before Lindsay died.
A few days before they were to leave, Brian took off work early so that he could take Gus shopping for the right kind of attire. The boy had reminded him often enough that he didn’t have the kind of clothes or shoes cowboys used, and to be a true cowboy you had to look the part. More than once Brian wondered if Prada made cowboy boots or if Armani made western apparel. Laughing to himself he thought, God I really am a label queen and I’m turning my son into one as well. But he was a man who believed that as well as selling a product he had to sell himself, and if designer clothes was part of the package so be it. But before their shopping expedition, he had Cynthia find out if there was somewhere in New York that carried western wear. Much to his surprise, or possibly dismay, she found a specialty shop. Gus was ecstatic when his dad informed him that Cynthia had found just such a place for them to shop, and just for a moment the effort made it all worthwhile. To see Gus’ hazel eyes sparkle with delight before the veil of sadness clouded them once again was worth anything.
The trip to the ranch in Montana was well worth Brian swallowing his pride and taking his son there, even if he would personally have preferred a tropical island with white sandy beaches and hot guys wearing very little.
The minute they arrived at the Double B Ranch Brian knew he’d made the right decision. The excitement and gleam in his son’s eyes and the change in his demeanor the moment the stepped out of the van was well worth foregoing men in skimpy bathing suits and sitting under shady palm trees drinking those silly drinks they served in tall glasses with little paper umbrellas.
The clicking of his heels as he ran across the shiny floor of the emergency room corridor echoed loudly in his ears as the cold fingers of fear gripped his heart. The only thing he could remember of the conversation with the officer was being told, “It’s not good. You need to get to the hospital right away.” As he stepped up to the nurses station a kindly gray-haired woman with the efficiency of a four star general commanding his troops greeted him. Before he had a chance to speak with her, a tired looking man dressed in operating room scrubs stained with blood and sweat appeared next to him.
“Mr. Kinney?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m Brian Kinney.” Panic setting in as he looked at the concerned face of the doctor.
“I’m Dr. Nicholson.”
“How is Christian, Doctor?” Brian asked, his voiced tinged with worry and fear.
“I’m not going to sugar coat this Mr. Kinney. Mr. Hamilton suffered severe internal injuries. His situation is very grave. The probability of him making it through the night is extremely slim. He’s lost a lot blood and there was severe damage to his internal organs. We did the best we could but the rest is up to…” he let his sentence die, and turned his eyes upward toward the heavens indicating it was now in God’s hands.
Brian blanched at the news the doctor delivered and staggered back as if he had been punched in the stomach. He became visibly pale and the doctor placed a comforting hand on his shoulder to steady him.
“When can I see him?” Brian asked once he was able to compose himself.
“When he comes up from surgery he’ll be placed in ICU and you’ll be able to see him then. Mrs. Collins, here, will come and get you. In the meantime, if he has family, you should contact them now.”
“Yes I will. Thank you.”
Brian reached for his cell phone, and paused before he dialed. This was going to be one of the hardest calls he ever made and it wasn’t something he was looking forward to. How do you tell one’s parents that their child is dying and may not make it through the night. Hesitantly, he punched in the number programmed into his speed dial. He let it ring until he heard the familiar voice of Christian’s father; a man he had overtime come to both admire and respect.
“Dad,” Brian paused, swallowing back a sob he was desperately trying to hold in.
“Brian?” Concern immediately evident in the older man’s voice. He knew right away something was seriously wrong. He could feel it in the depths of his soul. “Son, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Christian,” that was all Brian needed to say.
“Where are you Brian? Mom and I will be right there.”
“I’m at Cedars hospital; in ICU.”
“Okay, we’re on our way.”
When Brian first met the senior Hamiltons he was overwhelmed by the warmth and love they had for their son.
Growing up in the Kinney household, warmth and love had been feelings foreign to him. Jack’s idea of love was knocking around his ten year old son just short of landing him in the emergency room because he forgot to take out the trash. As for Joanie, love meant church and God, never mind she had a family who needed her.
So jaded was he that they had been seeing each other for six months before Christian could convince him to have dinner with his family. It took a little sweet-talking and a lot of sexual extortion to finally get Brian to agree to dinner and he only did so because Christian had bribed him with the promise of a night of mind blowing sex when they got home. Who was he to refuse an offer like that?
The night of the dinner, you could have sworn that Brian was being sent to the gallows, or at the very least being subjected to someone’s idea of cruel and unusual punishment. No matter how much Christian tried to reassure him that his parents were not monsters Brian still had his doubts. After all what parents would willing welcome their son’s lover into their home with open arms.
Hell, when he told Jack before he died that he was gay, he actually damned his own son for being alive and healthy. Heaven forbid if Joanie knew, she would be on her knees in church praying for his soul 24/7.
The minute he stepped foot into the Hamilton household, however, he was greeted warmly and made to feel welcome. Their reaction caught him a little off guard. Even though Christian had told him his parents had no problem with his sexuality, still; seeing was believing.
As he observed the elder Hamilton’s, Brian saw where Christian came by his good looks. He had the best in both parents. His father was a tall and distinguished looking man, and at first glance one might assume he lacked any warm feelings at all until he smiled. It was then that Brian knew where Christian inherited that special twinkle in his eyes; the one that he used all to often to get Brian to do whatever he wanted. All he had to do was see that smile and no matter how adamant he had been on something he would eventually give in.
Christian’s coloring came from his mother who, in her younger years, must have been extremely beautiful because even as she aged she retained a sense of quiet beauty and elegance about her. Her dark, wavy hair was untouched by chemicals and her blue eyes still sparkled like her son’s; even more so when she laid eyes on her youngest child. Brian could sense the intensity of the love she had for Chris.
“Mom and Dad, I’d like you to meet Brian Kinney,” Christian introduced as he placed a reassuring hand on the small of his lover’s back.
“Brian, these two excited people here are my parents, Amanda and Charles Hamilton,” he stated with love and pride in his voice.
“Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” Brian greeted, extending his hand to each.
“Please call me Chuck. All my friends do,” the older man offered.
“Yes , and please call me Amanda or Manda, but never Mandy. I abhor that name.”
“Sure, Mrs. Hamil….I mean Amanda,” Brian replied not wanting to offend Christian’s mother.
Christian laughed at the serious look on his lover’s face and leaned over to whisper, “Mom doesn’t like the nickname Mandy, because it reminds her of that sickly sweet song by that singer Barry something or other. She claims it’s too prissy a name for her.” He leaned over and kissed Brian’s cheek.
Brian was a little uncomfortable at the easy display of affection Christian showed towards him in front of his parents, but what surprised him the most was the casual acceptance they showed.
“Let’s have drinks in the library while we get to know one another,” Mrs. Hamilton said as she steered the three men toward the room.
As drinks were passed around and conversation flowed, Brian found himself at ease, almost like he had known the elder Hamilton’s all his life. It wasn’t something he often felt with other people.
By the time they sat down to dinner Brian was glad he had decided to meet Christian’s parents. It only confirmed how honestly his lover came by his loving nature. It was apparent in all of them and Brian envied what Christian grew up having that was far more than the privileged background he came from.
“The meal was delicious, Amanda,” Brian complimented.
Amanda had noticed how little the man ate. “Are you sure you had enough to eat, Brian?” she asked with motherly concern.
“He always eats like a bird, Mom,” Christian remarked. He was always teasing Brian about the way he ate and all his rules; no carbs after seven, no desserts, no mayo on his turkey sandwich and the list went on. Christian had never met someone so obsessed with what he put in his mouth, except when it came to sex. It was always an ongoing battle between the two.
Christian enjoyed eating, but one could never tell it by looking at his slender frame, but he kept himself that way by enjoying daily workouts at the gym and the good fortune to have great metabolism.
Brian always teased him that one day his great metabolism was going to quit and he was going to turn into a flabby old queen wearing baggy aloha shirts sitting on some beach in Florida.
“In fact, Gus eats more than he does,” Christian commented and knew in an instant when the name left his mouth he said something wrong.
The moment Gus’ name was mentioned Brian stiffened and glared at his lover, causing Christian to shrink back in his chair at the faux pas he had made. He knew how protective Brian was of his son and he cast an apologetic look. They had been seeing each other over a month before Brian even mentioned he had one and it was another month before he felt comfortable enough to introduce him to Gus. He cast an apologetic look when he realized what he did.
An uncomfortable silence shrouded the room as the Hamilton’s observed the hostile glare their guest gave their son. Who was this Gus and why did the mention of his name make Brian so upset?
Brian couldn’t believe Christian had inadvertently blurted out his son’s name. They had talked about this on several occasions. He didn’t feel comfortable letting people know right away that he had a child. It’s not that Gus was some sort of dirty little secret, in fact Brian couldn’t have been more proud or felt more fortunate than to be his father. But he always felt that not everyone was capable of accepting the fact that Gus had been born and raised by gay parents or to find someone willing to take on being a parent. Only after Christian had become someone special in Brian’s life did he feel comfortable enough to introduce his son. Much to his relief, the two had hit it off so well that at times Brian was a little envious at how natural it came to Christian to be a parent. Soon after their meeting, Gus started to call him Da.
No matter how much Christian had tried to reassure and cajole by letting Brian know that his parents would have no problem with him having a son, this was one of the rare times when he absolutely refused to give in. He wanted Gus kept out of the equation until he felt comfortable.
“Brian?” the gentle voice of Amanda broke through the tension that filled the air.
Brian turned toward the soft voice his mask of neutrality back in place.
“Mom, please let it alone,” Christian quietly pleaded, wanting to make up for his blunder.
“That’s okay, Chris,” Brian looked over at his partner, but not quite forgiving him for opening his mouth.
“Brian you don’t have to talk about it,” the older woman reassured.
“It’s not like he’s a dirty little secret. Actually Gus is my son,” Brian stated with pride and a tinge of defiance.
“You have a son?” both parents repeated at once. They were a little surprised to find out that Brian was a father, Chris had never mentioned it to them before.
“But how?” Mrs. Hamilton questioned. She had the grace to blush when she realized what she asked and noticed the quirk of his brow. “Oh, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” she laughed, easing the tension that had surrounded them.
“Gus’ mother and I went to school together. Lindsay was also gay, but had always wanted a child, so I made a donation in a cup and Gus was born nine months later.
“That’s wonderful Brian. Where is his mother now?” Mrs. Hamilton, like her son, realized she must have said something wrong the minute the question left her mouth as she noticed the sadness that filled the hazel eyes. She looked over at her son hoping he would say something. “Brian I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
Since they had brought up the subject of Gus, Brian decided he might as well tell them everything because, sooner or later, it would come out anyway, since his relationship with Christian was evolving everyday.
Taking a deep breath Brian said, “Lindsay passed away.”
“Oh Brian, I’m sorry.”
Brian was relieved that he didn’t see pity in her eyes. That was not something he handled very well. Instead what he thought he saw was genuine concern.
“Yes, it was an awful time for us, but we knew it was inevitable. She was sick for a long time, but still it didn’t make her passing any easier.”
“How is Gus now?” Amanda interjected.
“He’s doing a lot better. It’s been over a year, but it was rough going for a while. He still misses his mom at times, but kids seem very resilient and they heal a lot faster than adults.” Brian looked over at his partner and gave him a small smile. Christian knew how hard the loss of Lindsay had been. He saw it in his eyes the first time Brian ever talked about her death to him and he knew he still grieved for her; she was family to him; far more than his own had been.
Clearing his throat, to ease the pall that blanketed the conversation, Mr. Hamilton suggested they get comfortable with some after dinner drinks in the library.
As his father led the way out, Christian hung back, to pull Brian up against him. He slid his arms under Brian’s jacket and let his mouth seek warm lips. He let his tongue probe gently to gain entrance and then kissed deeply as he felt Brian respond to him. He nuzzled against the side of Brian’s neck inhaling the man’s favorite cologne and sighed wishing they were back at the loft. Reluctantly, he pulled away, but not before kissing his lover one more time. Feeling better, they joined his parents in the library.
“Don’t think that’s going to get you off the hook for opening your big mouth,” Brian gently chided with an evil grin. “You have some punishment to deal with when we get back home,” he looked at Chris with an evil grin.
“I’ll take whatever punishment you dish out,” Chris laughed a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. “I hope it’s something that will have me begging for mercy.”
“You’re damn right you’ll be begging,” Brian laughed as they both headed to the library to join the Hamiltons.
As the evening drew to a close, Brian had to admit to how much he had enjoyed himself. Chris’ parents had put him at ease right from the start. As they got ready to leave, Brian stood and shook Chuck’s hand and thanked him for welcoming him into their home. Turning to thank Amanda, he was mildly surprised when she pulled him into a gentle embrace, kissed him on the cheek, and whispered that she hoped to see more of him and to meet Gus. It had been a while since she’d seen her son look so happy. As the two men took their leave, Brian once again thanked the couple for their hospitality.
On the drive back to Brian’s loft, Chris noticed how quiet Brian was. “You okay, Babe?” he asked, placing a hand on the other man’s thigh.
Brian grasped the hand and entwined their fingers. He looked at the profile of his lover and said, “No, not really. Just thinking.”
“Oh oh, with you that could be dangerous thing,” he gently teased.
“Very funny, Asshole,” Brian retorted sticking out his tongue like Gus would.
“Very mature, Mr. Kinney. I see who Gus learned that move from,” Chris laughed. “Seriously, are you okay Brian?”
“Yeah, I am. I was just thinking about tonight.”
“My parents really like you. In fact, I think my mom is ready to adopt you.”
“You know Chris, you’re very lucky to have parents like Chuck and Amanda. It’s not often that parents accept their son as being gay, let alone allow him to bring his lover to dinner. Hell, at the Kinney house we might have been shot on sight; at the very least we would have been damned to hell for all eternity.”
It wasn’t often Brian spoke of his family but whenever he did reveal glimpses into that part of his life Christian saw his lover’s childhood as only being abusive and extremely dysfunctional. It made him shiver just thinking about it. It’s a wonder that he was able to rise above it all. He knew it was due to no thanks to Jack and Joan Kinney.
It wasn’t easy to crack the walls Brian had erected around his heart, but there were times Christian felt he had made some headway. A little dent, and then he’d fall back several steps and have to start over. He often wondered if Brian would ever truly allow him into his heart; just the idea that they were together for six months was surprising. Being referred to as his partner was a feat in itself; something he knew Brian didn’t say lightly, or had ever said before.
Christian knew he loved Brian and he found ways to express it all the time but he had yet to hear the words from his lover’s lips. He knew his partner wasn’t completely monogamous and that he may never be and that was something that Chris found difficult to accept at times, but he knew the others meant nothing. He hoped that one day Brian would be able to completely accept his love and give it back in return, but for now he could live with the way things were; and Brian did make him happy. After all, he had learned that in the Kinney household, the word love hadn’t existed in their vocabulary during the entire time Brian was growing up. Despite what Brian was taught at an early age and at the hands of his father, he knew Brian would be able to love deeply if given only half a chance. All he had to do was look at Gus, or hear Brian speak of Lindsay, to know how deeply he loved them both.
Brian was too nervous to wait in the lounge area assigned to families and took up pacing the corridor instead. He heard the phone ring at the nurse’s desk and the women behind it called out to him.
“Mr. Kinney, Mr. Hamilton is in ICU now. If you come with me, I’ll take you to him.”
“Thank you. When his parents arrive could you let them know where their son is?”
“Of course, I’ll bring them right away.”
Brian hesitantly walked toward the bed where Christian lay. There was a sharp intake of breath and he staggered slightly at the sight of his partner. Tubes and wires were running everywhere, the steady beep of the heart monitor kept up a rhythmic sound and the constant whoosh of the machine which helped him breath filled the air as he walked over to stand beside bed. His eyes filled with tears as he looked down at Chris; bruises marring his beautiful face, his over all pallor a sickly gray, but Brian knew that under all the tubes, wires and bruises lay the love of his life.
It had taken Brian a long time before he had admitted to himself that he loved Christian and even longer yet to say it out loud to his partner. Christian had known long before Brian realized it.
He looked down at his partner and carefully brushed away the errant strands of hair that had fallen over his forehead and gently leaned in and kissed the spot where he had brushed aside his hair.
Sitting in the chair beside the bed, Brian held Christian’s free hand in his, the pad of his thumb moving unconsciously back and forth in a soothing motion.
“Christian, you can’t leave me,” he whispered in a raspy, strangled voice, hoping that somehow his lover could hear him deep in his subconscious and fight with every ounce of his being for life.
The tension and stress that had over taken him over the last several hours slowly ebbed away as he tried to relax. As he held onto Christian’s hand he laid his head on the bed and exhaustion seemed to consume him. He found it hard to believe his partner and lover was lying in a bed hooked to monitors and tubes, hanging on by a thread and fighting for his life. This all had to be a bad dream, and when he awoke they would be in the loft wrapped in each other’s arms after having made love all night long.
A gently squeeze on his shoulder alerted Brian that someone had entered the cubicle.
“Brian Honey,” the hushed voice of the woman he had taken to calling mom all those years ago said.
“Mom,” he said in a choked whisper as he stepped into her open arms. “Mom,” he whispered again, “He can’t die.” Finally letting go of all the tears that he had been holding back ever since he was told that Christian was not going to make it.
“Shhh, Baby,” she said as she held on tightly to the man who had become such a large part of their family and whom she loved like a son. There were no words of comfort or hope that she could offer the young man that would console him, not after she and her husband had spoken with the doctor immediately upon their arrival at Cedars.
As much as her heart was breaking, she could only dare to imagine how much Brian was suffering. She knew from talks with her son about the abusive home life Brian had experienced growing up and how terribly difficult it was for him to admit he finally loved Chris. She knew early in their so called relationship that they had gone through a number of rough spots and there were times that Christian had been ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. After speaking with his parents, he would always decide that Brian and what they could have one day, was worth staying and fighting for. He had the belief that given enough time Brian would open himself up, and hopefully, he had the patience to wait it out.
Then it happened almost overnight. Brian stopped putting up his walls and let Christian in, admitting openly how much he loved and cared for him. A flood of joy surged through her son’s soul the day Brian actually said the words to him; and as cliché as it sounded, it was like music to his ears.
Of course even though Brian finally was able to express his love verbally, it didn’t mean that things always went smoothly for them. There were times when Brian would revert back to his old ways and shut Christian out, but now at least her son knew that he was loved, and he understood his partner better and gave him the space he needed to come to terms with whatever it was he was dealing with. Christian would patiently step aside, silently offering his love and support and Brian would eventually come around letting her son back in. The fact that they had just celebrated being together for ten years was, by itself, amazing and now in the blink of an eye it was all being taken away because some drunk had run a red light.
“Brian,” Chuck called softly.
Pulling out of his mother-in-law’s arms, Brian looked up at the older man.
“Brian, where’s Gus?” he asked
“Oh shit,” Brian said as he checked his watch to see what time it was. “I completely forgot about him; he needs to be here. He should be home by now. I need to get in touch with him.”
“Why don’t I call him for you Brian,” the older man suggested.
Brian hesitated for a moment not wanting to leave his lover’s side even for a minute. Thinking it through he said, “No, I think I better do it. It would be best if Gus heard about this from me.”
“Sure, if that’s what you prefer.” Chuck knew how protective Brian was of his son; he had been that way the first time they met. He remembered the dinner when Christian blurted out Gus’ name and the glare Brian had cast at his son from across the table. Overtime they understood Brian’s protectiveness and this was just another responsibility the younger man never shirked.
Brian turned back toward the bed and whispered into his lover’s ear that he would be back. He gave him a kiss and walked out to make the call.
Gus had arrived home an hour before and was eating a snack before beginning his homework assignments when he heard the phone ring.
“Hello.”
“Gus?”
“Hey Dad, what’s going on?”
“Gus,” Brian paused unsure of what to say or how to say it.
“Dad, what’s wrong,” Gus asked immediately sensing trouble. He could tell by his father’s voice that something bad happened. “Dad talk to me,” he said his voice rising in a panic.
“Gus, you need to call a cab and come to Cedars Sinai Hospital. Da has been in an accident and it’s not good.”
Silence filled the line and Brian became concerned for his son. He knew this wasn’t the best way to tell him but he had no choice; he wasn’t about to leave Christian’s side to go home and pick him up.
“Gus, are you there?”
“Yeah Dad, I’m here.”
“Listen to me Gus. Are you listening? Call a cab then go to the drawer where I keep some spare cash. Take enough to pay the cab. We’re in ICU. Ask at the nurse’s station in the emergency room if you can’t find us.” Brian tried his best to speak calmly. He knew this would rock Gus’ world and he worried about him. Christian and he had become so close over the years that it was almost like he was his natural father. In fact, there were times when Brian was actually be a little jealous of their relationship. It seems Christian just had this natural parental ability, whereas, he always had to struggle with it. Sometimes he wished that he and Chris could have had a child of their own. He knew his partner would have loved it, but with their busy careers just keeping up with Gus was a major effort. How would they have ever managed having another one?
“Grandma, Grandpa,” Gus called as he rushed over to greet the couple.
From the first time Christian’s parents had laid eyes on Gus, they had been taken in by the precocious child. He was the spitting image of Brian, but, unlike his father, he had an openness that only came from being raised in a loving environment. He was taken into the Hamilton fold and immediately awarded him the rights and privileges of being their grandchild. Despite the fact that the Hamilton’s had four other grandkids from their other children, Gus was never made to feel he was anyone other than one of theirs. Gus took to Chuck and Amanda right away, worming his way into their hearts with his sweet nature and ability to love unconditionally. It helped too, that he seemed to have inherited the Kinney charm, and a smile from him could get him almost anything within reason. Gus was also wise enough to learn that he had to work hard to earn special things and he never shied away from it.
The day Gus started calling them grandma and grandpa was a moment very dear to their hearts. They had never asked Gus to refer to them as such because they didn’t feel it was their place. They always hoped that one day he would feel genuinely comfortable and accept them as part of his family. The day Gus had said “grandma may I have a cookie please,” he had brought tears to Amanda’s eyes and she hugged him tightly.
He had looked up at the man beside his grandmother with a puzzled look on his face, and asked, “Grandpa, what did I say to make Grandma cry?” The man had let out a loud laugh and embraced the little boy and his wife, his own eyes moist with a few unshed tears.
Brian and Christian had walked in on the scene and wondered why Gus had a look of confusion on his face and the two adults had red, watery eyes. Brian had gently questioned his son who was simply confused with the whole scene.
Mr. Hamilton had explained to the two what Gus had called them, and light dawned on the tender moment. Christian understood the significance and turned toward his partner and wrapped his arm around his waist and hugged him close. Brian smiled, proud of his son and happy that the Hamilton’s had so willingly accepted him as one of their own.
Brian kneeled before his son, and explained to him why the couple was crying and with the innocence of a child Gus had just shrugged his shoulders, said okay, and asked his grandmother for the cookie again receiving a laugh from all the adults. For all of that, he had been thrilled when he received the extra cookie.
His grandparents led him over to where Christian lay. He hesitated slightly as he barely recognized his Da lying in the bed his face discolored from the bruising, tubes and wires coming from all different parts of his body. He inhaled loudly and turned pale.
Brian turned when he heard Gus walk in and quickly went to him. He wrapped his arms tightly around his son to give him support.
“Dad,” he whispered. “What’s happening?” he asked his hazel eyes so much like Brian’s were glittering with tears.
Brian pulled back slightly and looked at a mirror image of his younger self. “ Da was in a car accident. A drunk driver ran into his car and pushed it into oncoming traffic. The doctors have done all that they can but he’s suffered a lot of internal damage. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.”
“No! That can’t be,” Gus cried out in aguish, tears streaming recklessly down his face.
Brian tried to pull the boy back into his arms to console him but Gus resisted, denying his father’s every word. Finally the fight went out of him and he slumped against Brian’s chest and held on to him like a lifeline, sobbing uncontrollably.
Brian’s heart broke as he heard the anguished cries of his son. Why should someone so young have to suffer the loss of two loved ones in his short lifetime.
“Shhh, Gus,” Brian tried to soothe his son. “Come on we have to try to be strong for Da. Why don’t you go wash your face and come back. You and I can sit here with him and tell him how much we love him.”
When Gus returned, Brian let him sit in the chair closest to his Da. “Gus, would you like a few minute alone to speak with him?”
Gus was a little frightened at being left alone. Seeing the man he had come to love as his second father, barely recognizable under all tubes and wires was daunting. Hesitating a moment, he nodded his head affirmatively.
“Okay, I’ll be right outside the door if you need me.”
“Dad?”
“Yes.”
“What do I say to him? Will he be able to hear me?”
“Gus, doctors say that even if a patient is unconscious they can hear, so just say whatever is in your heart,”
“Okay.”
Brian started to walk away, but paused before reaching the door. He turned back to see his two favorite boys and witnessed Gus take hold of Chris’ hand and quietly whisper. A sad smile on his face, he stepped outside.
As he moved into the corridor he leaned back against the wall, and closed his eyes against the brightness of the fluorescent lights. He rubbed his forehead and tried to ease the headache that was being brought on by all the stress and exhaustion of the past several hours.
“Brian,” Amanda spoke softly as she noticed the signs of fatigue written all over her son’s face.
Brian looked up and gave the woman a tired smile.
“Why don’t you take a break and go lie down for a while in the waiting room,” Amanda gently suggested. She knew her words were futile at best, but she had to ask anyway.
“No, I can’t. I’m not going to leave Chris’ side,” he said firmly.
“You’ve been here for hours and you look exhausted,” she observed, knowing everything she said was falling on deaf ears. She knew once Brian dug his heels in, on anything, there wasn’t much anyone could say or to do to change his mind; even her son had difficulty persuading him.
“Thanks for the offer but as soon as Gus comes out I’m going back in to sit with him.” Realizing Charles and Amanda , after all were Chris’ parents he sheepishly looked at them, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take up all of the time. Why don’t you sit with him after Gus comes out.”
“Okay,” they both responded. “We’d like that. Then we’ll take Gus to the cafeteria and get him something to eat; a growing boy like him must be hungry all the time.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” Brian replied, giving them a small smile. “I forgot all about feeding him. Thanks, I appreciate it.”
“Sure, not a problem,” Chuck responded. “You could join us, you know.”
“Yes, I know, and thanks, but like I said, I’m not leaving Christian’s side.”
A few moments later Gus stepped out of the room. Brian held open his arms and the boy immediately went to him, seeking the much needed comfort in the strong and secure embrace of his father. Brian held on to his son as the Hamilton’s discreetly left them alone and went in to sit with Chris.
The two just stood their clinging to one another, seeking comfort and solace until Brian felt Gus step back.
“Are you okay?” Brian worriedly asked as he looked into the distraught face.
“I don’t know,” Gus replied honestly. “ Da looks so frail but it can’t be real what the doctors are saying.”
“I know. I don’t want to believe it either,” Brian said, letting his comment hang.
“Dad miracles have been known to happen….right?” Gus said, hope rising in his voice.
“Yes, the have Son, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up too high, because it’s not likely.” Brian hated to have to be so blunt. But from what the doctor had told them, a miracle was not likely to occur.
Father and son waited quietly outside the room watching the hurried pace of a busy hospital and listening to the steady beep of various monitors. After Chris’ parents left with Gus to grab a bite to eat, Brian returned to his lover’s bedside to continue his agonizing vigil.
After giving him a gentle kiss, Brian took hold of his lover’s hand, laced their fingers together and started to once again stroke the top of Chris’ hand with his thumb in soft soothing, steady movements. Brian leaned his head back, eyes closed and silently pleaded to the one above to not take his lover; his partner.
It couldn’t have been more than a minute after he had closed his eyes and dozed off when the persistent beep of the alarm sounded. Before Brian realized what was going on, he was unceremoniously shoved out of the way and the room was filled with more machines and medical personnel.
He stood dazed and stunned as the efficient staff went into action, one compressing his chest while another trying to pump air into his lungs and if it couldn’t get anymore confusing another had put the paddles to him making his already injured body arch off the bed. Brian cringed every time he saw Chris’ body being zapped with high volts of electricity and he stood agonizingly by and watched for what seemed like hours as the doctors and nurses fought to save his lover, but in the end the battle was lost. Before he knew it, all activity ceased and the despondent voice of the attending physician called time of death as 10:20pm.
“Mr. Kinney, Mr. Kinney,” echoed the voice of the nurse, shaking him out of his daze.
Pain filled eyes focused on the nurse who was gently shaking him. “No,” he whispered. “No, don’t stop please,” he pleaded. “You can’t let him die,” he cried out, tears cascading down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry Mr. Kinney, we really tried,” she said feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness for the man who had lost his loved one. “We’re going to remove the tubes and wires and then you can have a few moments to say your goodbyes.
With zombie like movements Brian nodded and watched as the nurse carefully removed everything.
Gus and the Hamilton’s were returning from the cafeteria when they noticed the frenzy of medical personnel as they rushed to the cubicle that Christian was in.
Mrs. Hamilton glanced up at her husband with a panicked look in her eyes as the trio hurried to the room stopping short just as they heard the doctor called the time of death. She turned toward her husband and a flood of tears rained down her unlined face, seeking solace from the man she had known for over forty years.
Gus slowly walked into the room and noticed his father staring at the nurse with a vacant look in his eyes. Concerned he went to stand beside him and noticed the tortured look that was written on his father’s face.
Softly he called out, “Dad.”
“He’s gone Gus,” Brian said in a grief stricken voice. “He’s really gone,” he repeated again as if he was trying to convince himself more than anything else.
“Yes Dad, I know,” Gus replied. Reaching over to wrap a supportive arm around his father’s shoulder, he felt him trembling beneath his touch.
Brian leaned against his son, feeling as if his legs were too weak to hold him up. Gus noticed how lost his father seemed all of sudden and wondered how they were both going to make it through the next few days, let along the next few weeks and months.
“Mr. Kinney we’re done now. Take your time. We’ll be back when you’re finished.” Brian only nodded his response.
“Come on Dad, let’s say our goodbyes,” Gus gently encouraged.
Brian looked as this son, “Gus, why don’t you and grandma and grandpa go first. I’d like a few minutes to myself before I say my goodbye. I want to do it in private.”
“Okay Dad, I’ll get Grandma and Grandpa,” he said as he turned to call the couple in.
When he left the room Brian walked outdoors, took a deep breath and inhaled the cool night air, cleansing his lungs of the medicinal smell that seemed to permeate every pore of his body. He looked towards the heavens and silently cursed at the being who dared to take the best part of himself; his love and his partner. Where is the justice in this? he thought. How could someone so loving and gentle be snatched away in the blink of an eye? It just wasn’t fair. As Brian thought back to what the officer had told him, every fiber of his being filled with rage and hatred for the drunk who had taken Christian and got away with only a broken leg and a concussion. He deserved to hurt a lot more.
“Dad,” Gus’ voice broke into his reverie. “Grandma and Grandpa are ready to leave. Why don’t you go in now,” his son quietly suggested, placing his arm around his father and guiding him back into the hospital.
Chuck and Amanda stepped out of the room so Brian could have his time. Standing in the corridor with Gus they heard the heart wrenching sobs coming from the room. The trio looked at one another and quietly moved away to wait for Brian in the lounge; somehow they felt that remaining there would invade his privacy.
Brian couldn’t get his tears to stop. He had never cried so much or so hard in his life; not even when Lindsay died, and yet she had been one of the chosen few in his small circle of friends that he had loved dearly. Then there was Christian who, once he had decided not to continue fighting his feelings for, had become another that had been allowed into that special circle that Brian shared his love and his heart with.
He decided right then and there that loving someone was just too painful to let it happen again. It was just too hard to love and lose.
Taking a deep breath, he tentatively approached the bed and gazed down at the still form of his lover who looked beautiful even in death. Gently he ran his fingers along Christian’s arm and noticed how cool the skin felt. Tenderly, he once again brushed away the strands of hair that had fallen over his forehead, then softly caressed his cheek. He moved to kiss lips that were still soft and pliant but had begun to grow cold and unresponsive. Finally, he bent over and carefully laid his torso on Christian’s chest and enveloped his partner as best he could in his arms. He let his tears fall, soaking the sheet that covered the still body. He laid there, draped over Christian’s dead form refusing to believe he was actually gone.
In a voice barely above a whisper he said, “ I love you Chris… Always have, always will. I wasted so much time denying it, but you always knew, even when I didn’t, and you patiently waited for me. You always stood by me; you will always be my love, my partner and confidant, but mostly you will always be my best friend. You always gave of yourself; you’ve been there without pause for Gus and I. You came into my son’s life like a shining beacon of light and loved him like he was your own; for that I will always be grateful. Oh God, Christian, how will I ever survive without you?” he cried out in anguish. “Until I met you I only existed; you opened my eyes and my heart, and made me realize what it is to be alive. I will never make it without you.”
Strangely, Brian glanced up to see if anyone had entered the room. He could have sworn he felt gentle fingers running lightly through his hair and a soft, peaceful voice whispering, “You will survive Brian and you will love again. You know I wouldn’t want it any other way; I want you to keep your heart open. You have a gentle soul when you let someone see it, and have so much love to give if you only try. Don’t hold back and let it go to waste. It would make me rest easy knowing you have someone else to share it with.”
Brian raised his hand to his face. He could have sworn he felt a soft flutter against his cheek, almost like the feel of Christian’s long lashes brushing ever so lightly and in an instant the feeling was gone.
Brian looked around the room one more time wanting desperately to see the man behind the voice.
He continued to cling to Christian; refusing to let him go… knowing that when he did it would be the last time he would ever be able to feel his partner in his arms.
Gus and the Hamilton’s were growing concerned. Brian had been in the room for a long time refusing to leave. They had noticed the nurses discreetly checking to see if he had left so they can go about completing their tasks.
The Hamilton’s had asked the staff to give Brian extra time, understanding how difficult it was to part from a loved one. They realized they wanted to move on with their jobs and knew they had been patient and given more than enough time. No one wanted to tell the distraught man that it was time to leave, but they knew it had to be done.
Chuck took it upon himself to be the one to tell Brian it was time to let go. Amanda and Gus were grateful that they didn’t have to do it, as neither one was sure they had the emotional strength.
“Brian…son,” came the deep voice of Chris’ father. He placed a hand on Brian’s back and soothingly spoke, “Brian it’s time to go.”
“No, not yet. I can’t leave him. I want more time,” he pleaded in broken voice full of sadness.
Chuck gently grasped Brian’s arm and with his other hand tried to lead him away. “Come on Brian, it’s time to go you need to be with your family now.”
“Christian is my family. I can’t leave him…he needs me to be with him,” he replied, his voice on the edge of hysteria.
“We know Chris is your family, but we are too, and Gus, Amanda and I need you,” he spoke in low, gentle tones.
Brian, finally stood up and one last time kissed his love goodbye. As he turned around to face the older man, Chuck saw the look of devastation and grief etched in those hazel eyes and his heart went out to him. He enveloped Brian in a comforting embrace and then led him out of the room.
Brian paused as he reached the door, turning around one last time, he whispered, “Goodbye Christian, I love you…always will.”
“Brian, why don’t you and Gus stay with us for a few days,” Amanda offered.
“Thank you , but no. We’ll be fine,” Brian replied woodenly.
“We’re worried about you and we can help with Gus.”
“You don’t have to worry about us. Gus and I will be fine,” Brian repeated, glancing over at his son.
Gus wasn’t so sure about the fine part but he was wise enough to realize this wasn’t the time to argue with his dad.
“Don’t worry Grams, Dad and I will be fine,” Gus smiled, hoping that he sounded convincing. “ Besides, if I need anything, I’ll make sure to call you.”
“You do that, Gus,” his grandfather said. “Anytime…day or night, okay?”
“Yes, Grandpa,” giving the man a reassuring smile.
They all headed toward the parking lot, Gus with a gentle guiding hand on the small of his father’s back. He was beginning to worry. He always knew his dad to be a confident and strong individual, granted he had just lost someone he loved deeply, but it already appeared his father was falling apart at the seams and he wasn’t sure he could help him hold it together. This was one time he would have to be the strong one and help his dad.
Gus decided it was best if he drove, knowing his father was in no shape to do so and for once Brian didn’t argue as he handed the keys over.
Father and son made their way home in silence both lost in their own thoughts. There was little traffic at that time of might and they were home before they knew it.
Before entering the loft they had shared with Christian, Brian stood just inside the doorway, looked around and felt the emptiness that prevailed, knowing his partner would never walk through the door again. The loft already felt as if all the life had been drained from it and an eeriness descended.
Brian was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of his son’s voice, “Dad, can I get you anything.”
“No thanks,” he replied still rooted to the same spot as when he first entered.
“Well okay, if you’re sure you don’t need anything, I’ll head on to bed.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. Thanks, Sonny Boy,” he replied giving him a half smile.
Gus smiled at the familiar nickname and turned to hug his father, “I love you Dad,” he whispered.
“I love you too, Son,” Brian replied his eyes filling with tears. He watched his son head towards his room, then as if on autopilot he went about setting the security system before he went to bed.