Love’s Long Journey
Chapter 9
Brian knew that before he could fully give his heart to Justin he had a couple of more things to do.
He drove through the old wrought iron gates of the cemetery and a tinge of guilt washed over him as he pulled up alongside the curb and parked his rental car. It had been a while since he’d been out to visit Christian and he felt bad about it.
As he stepped out of the car, he pulled his coat tight around his body; the air had a definite chill and the sky was gray and overcast. He grabbed the bouquet of flowers from the front seat and headed toward the big oak tree, now barren of all its leaves. He walked along the damp, well-manicured lawn until he reached the familiar marble marker. He knelt down and placed the brightly colored flowers alongside the cold marble. They made such a stark contrast against the white marker. He gently brushed aside all the dry leaves and reverently ran his fingers across the engraving that had been etched into the hard stone.
“Hey, Babe. It’s been a while,” he whispered. “I know I should have been back more often but it’s not that easy. You know I have a new life in Montana, but I think of you often.
The wind picked up and swirled the dry leaves about, but despite a sudden drop in temperature Brian was oblivious to the cold as he continued speaking with Christian.
“I suppose by now you must know why I’m here. I’m not coming to say good-bye, but I wanted to tell you about someone I’ve met. Someone who has become very special to me. I never thought after you left that I would ever want someone else. It hurt too much when you were gone. I never wanted to go through that kind of pain again, but he appeared one day at the ranch like he was sent from above,” Brian let out a dry chuckle. “At one point with the sun reflected off his golden hair my first thought was he looked like an angel,” he laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. “I thought it was my ad exec mode kicking in. Oh, in case I haven’t told you, his name is Justin…Justin Taylor. He spent over a week at the ranch and we got to know each other and as much as I tried to fight my feelings I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I told him all about you; about us, and he understood what I was going through. He told me he wants a relationship like you and I had and wouldn’t settle for anything less. I told him I didn’t think I could do that again.”
“It’s been about three months since I last saw him. We’ve talked on the phone almost every day and if we didn’t, we emailed one another. As much as I hate to admit it I miss him. The day he left the ranch it was as if another hole was left in my heart. No matter what I’ve tried to do to take my mind off him, nothing seems to work. I see him everywhere on the ranch. His smile haunts my sleep at nights and his eyes are the first thing I see in the morning.”
“I’m scared, Christian. Never thought you’d hear me admit that did you?” he laughed ruefully. “But I feel like I’m betraying you and the life we had together. When I close my eyes at night I see images of Justin and not you. Before I met him it was always you and I guess I feel guilty. Sarah and Charlie tell me that I shouldn’t feel as if I’m betraying you or your memory, or feel guilty about wanting to move on…that you wouldn’t want me living in the past. Even Gus said in his oh so blunt way that I should go for it and I wasn’t getting any younger. He’s sure good for one’s ego. But we had so much together and I guess part of me is afraid that I will always compare what I had with you.” Brian felt the tears well up in his eyes and his heart ached as the memories became real.
“Justin said it was only natural, after all, we were together for a long time but he also feels that in time we could have something special too. He said the memories may fade but they will never disappear; that you will always be in my heart and I suppose he’s right. I could never forget you.”
“You know Justin’s a pretty special person. He’s smart, witty, beautiful, kind and especially patient. I guess he would have to be to fall for someone like me. Oh, I did I mention he was beautiful,” he smiled, as he thought of Justin sitting by the glow of the fireplace; the heat turning his fair complexion rosy and warm. “ Remember what a fight I put up with you and you never gave up on me? In some ways Justin reminds me of that. And did I mention he was an artist? I’ve seen some pictures of his work and he’s very talented, but being a starving artist wasn’t his idea of fun so he took a job at a magazine and has been all over the world taking photos and he’s damn talented at that too. He says he did it to pay the bills, but now he wants to settle down and focus on his painting which by the way has begun to sell as well as his photos.”
“That’s part of the reason why I’m in New York. He’s having a show at the Soho Gallery and he sent me a notice letting me know he was finally having his own showing. I’m very proud of him; he deserves this. I hadn’t planned on coming and I’m surprised I’m even here. I was afraid to see him because doing so meant I was willing to give my heart to him. He said until I was ready for that we shouldn’t see each other. He said he didn’t want to start something that my heart wasn’t into. I’ve done a lot of thinking where Justin is concerned and you know when that happens it tends to make me skittish; wanting to remain behind my safe and secure walls. But I kept thinking about what Sarah, Charlie and, yes even what Gus had to say, and I realized you will always be part of me because if it wasn’t for you I would never have learned how to open my heart to someone let alone let them in. It was the one special gift that you gave me and I know you wouldn’t want me to waste it being alone and lonely or living in the past.”
“I think I’m ready to move on and make a new life…with Justin, but I felt I had to tell you that in person. You know Christian, I will always love you…always have…always will.”
For a moment the wind stopped blowing, and the clouds seem to part and as he always did when he was having a conversation with Christian, he looked toward the sky. The soft rays of the afternoon sun filtered through the parted clouds and a delicate breeze brushed against his cheek. He smiled to himself feeling secure in the knowledge that Christian approved of what he was doing and was happy for him.
Brian stood up and with lighter steps, once again shuffled through the dry leaves and walked across the manicured lawn toward his rental car. This time with a definite destination in mind.
Brian finally made his way to the hotel and checked in. After tipping the bellman he shut the door to his suite and leaned against it, and hoped he was making the right decision. It had been a long and emotional day and he was exhausted and excited at the same time. It felt good to be back in New York and yet it brought back a lot of old memories of his previous life. Driving through the city he saw many of the places where he and Christian had been and old haunts they spent time at. Each time a lump would form in his throat as he tried to hold back the flood of emotions and memories that clouded his mind and filled his eyes with tears. He didn’t think it would be so difficult, after all, it had been years, but some of the guilt he was feeling about moving on still lingered; making it that much harder. He now knew, deep in his heart that Christian would be happy that he was finally ready to put his past behind him.
He had one final place to go before he could close the chapter on his old life. He quickly unpacked the few items of clothing he brought and when that was done he grabbed his keys and headed out the door.
He pulled up in front of the house and turned off the ignition, and sat for a while trying to put his thoughts together before exiting the car. He looked up at the stately old house that had been in Christian’s family for generations and smiled. He remembered the first time Chris had brought him here. Chris’ description and his first impression weren’t even on the same page. He laughed as he remembered his lover describing it as an old, drafty house that was built by his great-grandfather. But when they pulled up into the large circular driveway with its well trimmed hedges, large oak trees that had to be a hundred years old, and well manicured lawns, he realized that his idea of old and drafty was definitely not the same as Chris’. What he saw before him was breathtaking and he could tell that the family took a great deal of pride in it.
He exited the car and took a deep breath before making his way to the front door. He was there to see the Hamilton’s and to talk with them about Justin. He knew that he didn’t owe them any explanations, but felt that they deserved to know, after all they had been his family too. They had always treated him like a son, and Gus like their grandson, and in some small way he wanted their approval; it was important to him and to reassure them he would never forget their son.
Taking another deep breath, he raised his hand to ring the bell when the door was suddenly pulled opened and he found himself enveloped in the arms of Amanda Hamilton. Brian was caught off guard for a moment, but quickly found himself hugging her back.
“Brian, what a nice surprise,” Amanda said. “It’s been too long since we’ve seen you,” she prattled on. “We’ve missed you,” she commented.
“Hi Mom. I know I should come more often but….” Brian let his voice trail. The Hamiltons knew how difficult it was for their son’s lover to come to the city. There were too many old memories for him here and that was the main reason he moved away.
“Brian, my boy…how are?” Charles Hamilton interrupted. “Come on Dear, let the poor boy go so he can come in out of the cold,” Charles chuckled as he gently pulled his wife aside to let Brian in.
“I’m doing okay. It’s good to see you too, sir. I know I should have called before I came but I thought, if I did, I would lose my nerve,” Brian smiled at the couple he had thought of as his parents.
“Nonsense my boy. You’re always welcome here. You never have to call. I hope everything is okay?” A look of concern washed over the older man’s features. “How’s my grandson? He’s okay isn’t he? We talked with him a week ago and he was fine.”
“Yes, Gus is fine. This isn’t about him,” Brian replied and he looked down at his feet not sure how to tell them the reason for his visit.
“Come into the study and lets have something to drink and get comfortable while we catch up on things,” Charles suggested. He thought Brian might need some time to pull his thoughts together.
Brian gave him a grateful look and followed them into the study. He thought he had it all planned out in his head what he was going to say to Christian’s parents, but now all the words seemed to have gotten lost somewhere between his brain and lips.
With drinks in hand, they all sat down, got comfortable, and talked about the various things going on in each other lives. It had been a while since Brian had been to see the Hamiltons, but he talked with them at least once a month and they traded emails on a fairly regular basis. However, Brian had never mentioned meeting Justin or his feelings for him in any correspondence.
Silence descended over the trio once the small talk was out of the way, and Brian took this as his opportunity to bring up the reason he had stopped in.
He took a deep breath, “I guess you’re probably wondering why I dropped in unexpectedly. In fact, I didn’t expect to find myself making a trip to New York,” he started.
“You know you don’t need an invitation to come and see us, Brian. You’re a part of this family and you’re always welcome here,” Mrs. Hamilton replied.
“Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me,” he paused a second to gather his thoughts. “I have something I wanted to tell you person. A phone call or email just didn’t seem right. You two are very special to me and I feel I owe it to you...I still think of you as my family.”
“Brian like we said before you will always be part of this family,” the older man reassured him.
“I know you’ve always said I should move on and find someone else. That Chris would never want me to end up alone. Well, about several months ago I did meet someone. Remember that photographer from the magazine I mentioned was coming out to the ranch to take pictures for a story? His name is Justin Taylor. We hit it off, but he wanted more from a relationship. At the time I wasn’t sure I was willing to give it to him. He said he wouldn’t settle for anything less than the type of relationship I had with Christian and I guess you could say it kind of scared me. It wasn’t easy to let Chris in the way I did, because I didn’t want to get hurt but he wore me down and I’m glad he did. But when he died it was so painful that I told myself I would never let anyone get close to me like that again. Now…I’ve met Justin and he’s stirred up feelings in me I’ve tried to bury since the day we lost Chris. But ever since I’ve met him I found myself really missing what I had with your son. I miss coming home to someone and being able to talk about my day, but most of all I miss going to bed at night wrapped in someone’s arms. I don’t want something casual anymore. I’ve tried going back to that and it made me even lonelier than I already was. Justin is willing to give me what I had with Christian and I find myself wanting that. He said that if and when I was ready for more than a casual one night stand, he would be waiting for me, but until then we couldn’t see each other. He didn’t want to believe that every time I left his bed that I could end up being with others until he saw me again.
The time he spent at the ranch was great…he’s smart, caring and beautiful but most all his willing to put up with me,” he chuckled. “You know how tough that can be,” he took a breath and looked at the couple hoping they would say something.
Mr. Hamilton laughed at the last remark and said, “Yes, we know how trying you can be. We remember Chris coming to us wringing his hands in frustration as he tried to break through that shield you had built around your heart. There were times he was ready to throw in the towel and just call it quits until his mom would sit him down and calmly ask him one simple question… if he loved you. Of course, his answer was always a resounding yes. She would always tell him love doesn’t always come easy for some and if he really loved you like he said he did, then he should be patient. In the end, the reward will all be worth it…and you know she was right. You made our son very happy. The day you told him you loved him too, he understood just what his mother had meant and we were so happy for him. It was like he finally found what had been out of his grasp for so long.” He turned to look at his wife, her eyes glistening with tears and he took hold of her hand and gently squeezed it as they recalled the look on their son’s face the day Brian declared his love for him. “You know Son, you don’t have to feel guilty or like you’re betraying Chris just because you found someone else to love or that we would be upset because you’re moving on. We knew our son well and know that he would expect nothing less. Your happiness was always foremost in his heart.” He looked toward his wife again and she nodded in agreement.
“Brian, you know your happiness is important to us. If you were worried we would be upset because you met Justin you couldn’t be more wrong,” she smiled reassuringly.
“I suppose I was worried. I didn’t want you to think I was betraying Christian, but most of all you are my family and it is important to me that you know that,” he replied.
“Brian you will always be our son. Just because you have Justin doesn’t mean you are no longer family. You will always be a part of us and if you were seeking our approval, you definitely have it, but you ought to know you never needed it,” Amanda stated firmly.
“You’re right. In a way I was seeking your approval. Your feelings mean a lot to me and I would never hurt you in anyway,” he looked to the older couple. A smiled tugged at his lips as he thought of being able to see Justin again. “I’d like you to meet him sometime. I know you would love him like…,” he stopped and smiled shyly. He was about to admit that he loved him but he held back wanting Justin to be the first to hear his declaration.
A look passed between the Hamiltons, they knew what Brian was about to say and they couldn’t have been more pleased that the man sitting in front of them…a man that they embraced in their hearts like their own son… had finally found love again.
“Well it’s time I left. I have someplace I have to be,” he smiled sheepishly.
They all stood up and walked towards the door, and Brian turned to embrace the couple before heading for his car.
“Goodbye Brian,” the called out in unison. “Don’t forget to bring Justin around when you get things settled. We would love to meet him,” Mrs. Hamilton said.
“I will and wish me luck,” he replied and waved before getting into the car.