Wow, just wow, that was so heart breaking. Brian really dosn't get that Justin genuinly wants to be there, that he wants to help, and not because of pity, but because he loves him.

I'm glad that Justin fights him, lets him know that he will not be pushed away.

I'm really looking forward to the next chapters and what will happen.

Author's Response:

He;ll get it eventually -- Justin is definitely going to keep fighting.. eventually they'll both be fighting for Brian's wellness... :) Thanks so much as always for your thoughts, insight and support!

Loved this chapter.  what a way with words you have, you painted such a vivid picture of Brian, I could just see him laying in bed going thru all those emotions.  Great job!

Author's Response:

Awww, that's so sweet! I'm ecstatic to hear that it was such that it could be visualized -- I'm generally very, very bad at visualizing myself, and I sometimes worry that this will somehow negatively affect my stories. Thanks so much for the feedback! :)

I can't decide if I want to pummel him or feel bad for him, Brian I mean, he really is a sad, clueless idiot right now, even if I do know where he is coming from.

Justin needs to wake up to the fact that Brian is in pain, and not just physical pain either, and start pushing to get through, the last part finally had him reacting a way Brian might actually respond to!

I hope Brian gets to go home the next day, and that he accepts Justin's help and that he. is. not. lying. to him!!!!!

I love this story, but you already know that :D

Author's Response:

I think Brian will eventually see that Justin's telling the truth -- sooner about some things than others. I am fairly sure he'll be going home in Ch. 14 or Ch. 15... this story goes so, so slow it's hard to say. 

 

Thanks so much for your support and feedback! I hope you enjoyed your vacation, too! :)

Glad to see your update and that you survived the school year. Hurray!

It really pains Justin (and the readers, I bet) to see Brian shielding himself like this. I am glad that Justin didn't queen out. He certainly has matured. I can't wait to see how you are going to write the scene where Justin finally realizes Brian's concern of being ugly. 

PS. As for me, I am so exhaused with the new job. I have a 2 week "slow time" to rest before the next big project arrives... *Zzz...*

Author's Response:

Thanks for the good cheer! I am delighted that I survived the school year. It was so difficult...emotionally, physically and mentally treacherous... Glad to be out of it and writing!

 

I'm looking forward to that scene, too -- it might be in the next couple of chapters. We'll see. :) Thanks so much for your thoughts! I hope things become a bit calmer on a regular basis at work for you!

God, Justin having to force himself through all of Brian's insecurities again. You so feel for both the boys here.

Author's Response:

It's not easy, but as you say, it's something Justin has experience with. I'm glad you're still reading and thanks so much for the comment!

Can I just say....WOW!! You came back with a powerful, lump inducing chapter...I could feel Brian's pain, oh boy and Justin, trying to be patient and be there for Brian...this chapter was so real and painful...the emotions left me raw! I'm really so glad that you're not only back but you have survived the school year...I love your writing as I've said before and you are one of the best writers in this fandom!! I can't wait for the update!

Author's Response:

Aw, thanks so very  much! I love reading your responses; I worry that I'll end up with a bloated ego before long! :) I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so much!

I love that you write an insecure Brian. Not many do that and I think that the "Brian 'FUCKING' Kinney" facade covers a very insecure little boy, left over from the days of Jack beating him.

 

BRAVO!

Author's Response:

I completely agree -- that's very much how I see his character. Thanks so much for the support! :)

Welcome back! Great chapter! Mostly the feeling I get from Justin is love. I think he realizes that Brian is at his most vulnerable and that he is probably the only one that will understand just how raw Brian's feelings can get when he's like this. Justin is the only one who saw some of Brian's real emotions after the bashing. Everyone else just saw the asshole. Justin saw the caring, human side of his man. At that time Brian probably felt that he gave too much of himself away and that's when he pulled back and Ethan happened. This time Justin is stronger and is aware of Brian's tricks. He can feel the wall he has up protecting himself from the hospital staff and the world when no one is even in the room. The rest of the "purple gang" would be clueless.

The school memory is proof that his family made him feel ugly and unworthy from day one. Of course he was a lovely child. Gus looks just like him when he was a child. His sick mother probably told him that he was ugly so that he wouldn't commit the sin of pride in his looks. His current body image is an over compensation for being made to feel he was ugly as a child. Justin just needs to hang tough and not let Brian shut him out. The doc and Justin need to get their heads together to better treat Brian through his recovery. Sorry for the ramble, but this like all of your stories bring out the psych student in me.

More soon please!                                                                                  

Ro

Author's Response:

That's a really great connection -- after the bashing, he did get to see some of Brian's unguarded emotion, so he is better prepared to help Brian through them again. I haven't completely decided how Ethan will play into this fic; I think what you suggest here makes a lot of sense and I will keep it in mind as the story progresses (at what seems to me a snail's pace, but I digress.). 

I think that is probably part of Brian's family's problem with his good looks -- I'm going to get into how and when and why this changed for Brian and what consequences all of it has for him at this point in his life... Yep, it's going to be a long, long fic! 

 

And I'm happily doing some further pleasure reading psych research of my own to ensure that I have it as realistic in symptom, cause, and treatment as I can while being faithful in some sense to the story I have in mind, so you're not the only one! :) 

 

Glad you're enjoying the story so much! I finally posted again; hope the wait proves to be worthwhile!

I loved this chapter!! It was so powerful and emotonal...how does this story and your writing get better and better... There is a long road ahead for our boys and poor Brian is suffering both mentally and physically...I hope that Justin will be there for him because he will need him...Can't wait for the update! I love this story!!!

Author's Response:

*blushes* You are so sweet! 

 

Thanks so much -- it is definitely going to be a long road, but they'll make it through to the other side eventually, and be better for it (as individuals and as a couple). I am thrilled that you like the story so much; I finally updated, so the wait is over! ;)

Fantasic! Having been waiting for an update and when it comes i'm left breathless. Gentle, thoughtful and just deeply moving

Author's Response:

You're way too kind! *blushes* 

 

Well, I was a little quicker at updating this time; I hope it'll be worthwhile, too...

Thanks!

*still blushing*

So glad to 'see' you again, I was just about to send you a PM on LJ to ask where you were :)

I loved this chapter, and the memory of the teacher was so sweet, even if it did break my heart, imagine having lived for 5 years and your parents haven't told you ones that you are beautiful or handsome; that really sucks.

I can undersand Justin's apprehension, he really has no idea what to expect, even as he is hoping for the opportunity to take care of Brian.

Brian really is in a terrible place right now, in his head I mean, he has such a skewed perception of himself and I seriously hope that Justin can get through to him.

I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter, as usual :D

Author's Response:

I'm glad you didn't have to track me down on LJ, but it's sweet of you to be concerned! The answer is simple: I was sucked into the 7th circle of hell (i.e., my work). But I'm off for the summer now, so I'm no longer in a vortex of evil, and I have time to write! :)

I love the way you phrased that -- that he hopes for the opportunity to take care of Brian. That's exactly what I was aiming for -- for Justin, that will allow him to do things that he's wanted for years and has not been able to do. It won't be easy to get there, but it'll be worth it!

Thanks as always for your thoughts and enthusiasm for the story!

Heyy!! I hope your rough work week gets better. This chapter was...heartstopping. Poor Brian. To read that someone with such confidence feels so small because of an illness. That feels so real to me, and I adore the fact that your writing can both entrall me with this sense of surrealism and still slam into me( ;) oh yea!, lol.) with a sense of reality. It's both thrilling and astonishing at the same time.

As for Brian's school memory...that was so sweet. I think everyone has that one teacher who put this sense of love into them. Despite having a good family or not, and that moment between brian and his teacher was so touching!  I can't wait to read more, as always. :)

Author's Response:

Awww...you're way too kind and nice and generous to me! *blushes* 

I was very luck to have two teachers who mean(t) so much to me -- more than I could possibly say here. Brian had some of that, but unfortunately there is an unintended pattern that starts to develop and connection that starts to form for him.... *evil, sneaky spoiler!*

 

Thanks so much again for your amazingly encouraging thoughts! I am really happy that you're enjoying the story.

I loved it all. It was great.

Author's Response:

Aww, thanks! I'm glad you liked it!

This chapter has a dark, lyrical quality that really shines. I adore the use of word repetition in Brian’s thoughts: “Fuck. Still here. The hospital. Still sick…still ugly”; “Take care of me. Fuck. Take care of me and not even fuck?” and “Lucky that I’ll have to watch him pretend. Pretend not to notice my lopsided balls. Pretend to want to touch my fucking ugly cock and be attracted to my pale, sickly body”.

 

All of those sentences have a repetitive, obsessive quality that say so much about where Brian is mentally and emotionally: ugly, sick, fuck, still, pretend and care. It’s an unending, internal dialogue that perfectly captures the hidden world that Dr Lee just got a glimpse of. The line “Dr Lee’s words were falling down around him” is not only beautiful, but arguably references Brian’s physical fall in the previous chapter and teases by it’s similarity to the word “fail”. Brian’s body is failing and a consequence he’s falling.

 

What makes that imagery even stronger, and gives it a nightmarish quality, is the contrast between the “blandness” of the hospital room and the professional, medical machine that the hospital represents. It’s an obsessive, diseased maelstrom on the inside and an impersonal, clinical world on the outside. Both have their own reality, made all the more disturbing because they’re bleeding into each other. That disjunction is also shown through Brian’s internal rage / pain and external passivity. Brian allows Dr Lee to manipulate his body as though trying to divorce himself from it; he’s actively trying to position it as “other” even while having to process the horror (to him) of knowing it’s not. What a very beautiful chapter!!

Author's Response:

Awwww... *blushes* You flatter me.... 

 

Iam not even sure what else to say....

 

The discrepancy between the inner and outer world is very important -- as you illustrate so well in your insightful comments. Which is "reality" is of course a very controversial issue for Brian at this point, and will increasingly be so. .. 

 

*still blushing*

We're still here - not going anywhere. This was a sad chapter - Justin needs to walk into the room right now and just hold and comfort Brian. Knowing Brian he wouldn't let him...

Author's Response:

I'm glad you're not going anywhere, but I sure am pressing my luck with that! I only just today posted the next chapter... 

You'll see that Justin is just about to walk in when he realizes something...

Oh, Brian, you are so depressed right now.

I hope either Dr. Lee, or even better, Justin, can convince him that he is still every bit as beautiful as he has always been.

This was a great chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next one.

Author's Response:

He definitely is getting depressed... (I keep piling on the psychological problems, don't I!). Thanks so much for your support -- I finally posted the next one. I hope you'll like it!

man i've been waiting but i know how that is.  I came by everyday and will continue to come by becasue well this is great and i need and crave more.  can i have more?   keep it up great job.

Author's Response:

I know -- I kept you waiting again! I'm sorry about that! Work has been indescribably exhausting and depressing -- but at the end of this month, it'll be summer and everything will be okay again (and I'll post much, much more often!). I hope this chapter was worth the wait! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

i think 1) dr. lee better have a talk with justin and 2) better get brian a pshycological evaluation.

Author's Response:

I completely agree; I like the idea of Justin talking alone with Dr. Lee! I'll try that soon. I finally posted Ch. 11 -- sorry for the long, long wait on that one!

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to review. My old name is rowolfluv. Now that we have to register I changed my name here. How horrible that Brian feels destroyed by this surgery. He is almost delusional because his manhood has been challanged. The only real challange is his distorted macho identity view. Men are so threatened when their maleness is challanged. Some womyn are as well. One of the most inspiring things I have ever seen in regards to a womin adapting to being changed physically was at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival a few years back. Womyn typically go topless(because it's in August and because they can)(there are NO men!). Anyway, I saw a beautiful womin with a double mastectomy, topless, with tatoos on her chest. She was made more beautiful because of her courage and boldness. She was no less a womin because she lost her breasts. I so wish Brian could understand that losing a ball doesn't make him any less a man. It's what's in your heart and soul that make you a man or womyn.

Ro

Author's Response:

Wow, that's quite an inspirational story... I think you've hit at the core of one of Brian's issues and why this is such a struggle for him. We'll have to see how he can deal with it and how deep the layers go... Hint: It's going to be a *long* story! :) I hope you'll enjoy it!! I'm sorry the update took forever -- but I finally did post Ch. 10! )

OMG.... Brian's BALLS are really affecting his brains!!!!! his refusal of any  help and the idea of him being deformed and "untouchable" are signs that he needs psychiatric help... A.S.A.P... I wonder if Dr. Phil makes house calls... lol... there is no way that Brian is ever going to get through this alone ... and I don't think Justin will be able to handle Brian in the shape he is in right now......

Author's Response:

I think you're exactly right; he's gotten to the point where this is pretty far beyond "normal" /typical reactions to surgery. In a few chapters, I'll be sending him to a psychiatrist or psychologist...  Justin is wonderful, but he's not a miracle worker, so I'll give him some help for sure. :) Thanks so much for sharing our thoughts! I hope you'll like Ch. 10!

I LOVE this fic! Please could you update at least once a week? THANKS SO MUCH for this amazing work!!

Author's Response:

I'm sorry the updates are taking so long; I was trying to post every weekend, but then I had to do some work one weekend,and work has been beyond exhausting. I'm delighted to hear that you like the story so much; I just posted and I will try to go back to posting every weekend. I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story!

OMG Brian is hopeless he would rather struggle and hurt himself more before asking for help, he is so unrealistic thinking he can return to work. Brian certainly needs some counselling to deal with his depression and fears

Author's Response:

I think you're right about the counseling;   in a couple chapters (or maybe 3-4) I'll send him to a psychologist... He definitely is facing more than just a few irrational concerns post surgery. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!

  Welcome Back!!! Wow!! I hate to see this Brian...he's so down on himself and is just an emotional wreck...not  the strong and spirited Brian Kinney we're use to seeing.... he needs to get his confidence back and he needs his Sunshine..... Cancer is a disease that takes a toll on everyone as I can attest to...I'm glad that you're showing us every emotion, every outburst, and every horrible thought that Brian has of himself... You've done an excellent job of not sugar-coating anything...Also one thing about Dr Javier, he reminds me alot of the doctors that I've dealt with, some are kind like him but can't think beyond treating the patient for the disease (as they should) or his mental well being. I hope that Brian opens up to Justin and his doctorS about what he's going thru...Loved this chapter and can't wait for the update!

Author's Response:

Thank you so much for the amazing feedback and support; I'm relieved that the story rings true. I've known my own share of doctors who fit that descrition, too. 

I am definitely trying to make it as realistic as possible, so this will be one for the h/c fans, and angst fans. I'm glad to hear that you are liking that side of the story. I'm sorry it took me so long to post Ch. 10!

Hello!

Oh my..so much..I've missed so much!! Reading it all over again is just..phew! Your stories can be so powerful sometimes. Wonderful writing skill. Hmm, I think I have a favorite line in this chapter..it's actually the final line in which Brian says that he fell. Very profound. Two words that are left hanging. I know he literally fell, but figuratively as well he is falling. There are so many things that make him vulnerable and he's becoming so very selfconscious...fallen indeed. I can't wait to see more :) ^.^ phew, I've missed your fics. My comp has been out of commision and is still not working properly : *hugs* hope you're doing well!!

Author's Response:

Aww, thanks so much!

 

I'm so glad that you mentioned these last lines -- that's quite exactly what I was hoping they would mean for readers!! 

I've been having lots of computer problems myself, so I definitely sympathize! I hope you have them resolved soon and I've missed you, too! I'm sorry the update took so long on this -- work has been a madhouse!!! 

 

*hugs back!*

OMG.... Javier is a complete moron.... even if Brian said he was OK and didn't need his help....why the hell did he close the bathroom door????  hopefully Brian didn't break something when he fell... the only thing that confuses me ...is that how is it possible ... after all the time that they have been together.... Brian has absolutely no clue that Justin loves him for "WHAT" he is..... and not for how he "LOOKS"..... 

Author's Response:

Yeah, Javier is a sweet guy but not the smartest fish in the sea, so to speak... He does learn something from that, though! :) 

At this point in the story, Brian is having a hard time because his brain is basically sending him messages about his own body / self-image which are very inaccurate. This is making it very hard for him to cope with an already hard situation because he feels absolutely repulsive and unlovable (by anyone).  Touch is especially hard because of these wrong signals he's getting, which make him feel rather deformed. I am pretty sure he knows Justin loves him; he just cannot handle physical love in any form, even a touch meant soothingly, because his brain then bombards him with inaccurate feelings / sensations about it, etc...

I know it's rather complicated; I try to make it clearer in upcoming chapters. And Brian will likely need another psychiatrist to help himself out of this one as well.... (Dr. Stevenson tells me he's in retirement though so maybe someone new!). :)

 

Thanks for your thoughts! Hope you're doing well!

Oh no....you did it again!!! You've made me cry. This is one story I have to stop reading at work (lol).. This story just reminds you everything you see happen when someone you love has cancer...I think that the scar is there both physically and emotionally as Brian finds out in that heartbreaking ending (sob).... You've done a most excellent job and I can't wait til the next update...

Author's Response:

Awww, thanks so much. I am always very pleased and touched to hear that something I've written is realistic; since I try to deal with serious topics, I try to make them as realistic as possible and not minimize real life struggles... I'm sorry that the update took so long!

Poor Brian. I just feel so sadden by his reaction to his body. Noone should have to go through this kind of horror. And to think that he was facing it all alone :_(  What will Justin do now? What should his role in Brian's life from now on?

The new job was ok. People are nice.  I made a few mistakes already *sigh* And to be honest, this job is a more boring than my last job. But I guess I have to keep going and hope for the best. It is still a decent job despite the huge paycut and I need to stop comparing it with my old one. Sometimes I do feel like I am still in mourning about my last job, my previous life....

Author's Response:

That's exactly the focus I was aiming on; Brian's mental image/understanding of his own body is badly distorted, and for someone like him this is bound to have lots of psychological ramifications...  I think it's going to be very hard for Brian and perhaps even harder for Justin to understand the problem and do something about it, though they definitely will...  I think one role for Justin will be to try to help Brian understand the nature of his problem (that his own brain is getting the wrong signals about his body) and to realize that this is not how his body actually is physically. He still has chemo ahead, too... (there's a good reason why this is "the next *big* story! This will be a long one!).

It sounds like the new job is going okay, but I bet it is a lot to get adjusted to. Give yourself a break though; it's not easy and you're doing a good job of moving forward and helping yourself out even though it's tough! 

 

 

that was fantastic can't wait for the next chapter.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! I'm sorry the next chapter took me so long to post; work/RL suck sometimes!

Evil cliffie... thanks for the update.

Author's Response:

It is, i know! And I got bombarded with work / RL and only now updated to resolve it! :) Hope you're doing well; thanks so much as always for your comments!

Yup. I am back from my vacation as well. So tired that I dozed off at my new job for a second *yikes*

"It hurts." I felt a knife cut through my heart at that very moment as well, imagining a vulnerable scared Brian sitting on the bed feeling so helpless :_(  At first I was a bit taken by that 2-word explanation to Justin's touch. But as I pause and re-read those 2 words again and again, those words mean so much. It physically pains him to touch Justin's pureness with his own "diseased body". It also pains him emotionally that he is the one who brought Justin pain and saddness. When I am sick or hurt, my first instinct is to hide away from loved ones just because I am usually a very independent person. So, I can see why Brian did that.

 

Author's Response:

I hope you enjoyed your vacation!! :) 

I really appreciate your response to the words "it hurts" -- that's very much the reaction that I was hoping for. It hurts him on at least two levels -- and it promises to be a difficult problem(s) to resolve...  I am really happy that you are enjoying this story and find it engrossing!

I hope all is going well at the new job!

why is brian always so overanalyzing things... can be very annoying :-)) rose

Author's Response:

Brian's going through a lot in this fic... It'll eventually get better for him though. :) Thanks so much for commenting!

While I can understand how Brian feels.... I wish he would realize that it hurts Justin as much .... I am glad that Justin was able to tell him that he would be there for him... whether he wanted him to or not..... and that Brian accepted it..... it will be interesting to see how they make it through the up coming Chemo treatments......

Author's Response:

That's a very interesting point -- does Brian understand hos Justin feels? I think they'll end up having a discussion about this in the early days of the cancer treatment... :) I) I am definitely looking forward to the interactions involving the chemo too; so many possibilities! :)

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!

Love this chapter!!! Both Brian and Justin seem really IC to me. Especially Justin, you’re doing a great job with him. That Brian positions his treatment choices as how they’ll allow his “preservation” of self is understandable; and that he makes the decision quickly and with minimal discussion is also very Brian.

I really love the line: It’s okay, just tell him something. Tell him something so it’ll be over, and he doesn't have to ask any more, and we don't have to talk about it any more. There's something very poignant in that avoidance and post-ponement. It's also very IC that Brian sees not having to "talk about it" as a solution to his problems. That in the absence of verabalising his problems they won't exist. If Brian's language is physical, however, and he's no longer comfortable with physical intimacy the risk is that he'll be trapped in a silent and lonely world unless something changes.

The other part I especially liked was: His eyes filled with tears and he turned away quickly, knowing that he couldn’t handle watching Brian just now. He’s in so much pain, Justin thought, his heart still lurching through his chest at Brian’s admission. There’s an ambivalence to Justin’s recognition of Brian’s “pain”. On the one hand, it functions as an acceptance of Brian’s prevarication, where “it hurts” tries to avoid reality in much the same way as “I’m fine”. On the other, it’s the literal truth of how Brian feels. Justin’s ability to see that pain, even if he doesn’t know how to deal with it, emphasizes the bond between them, I think. 

This won’t come as any shock to you *grins* but I don’t see any quick fix for Brian’s problems. Nor do I see the angst as being about “relationship” problems in and of themselves. This is not about Brian pushing Justin away to protect him. It’s not really about Justin at all. Yes, Brian’s difficulties (and how he deals with them) will shine a light on certain aspects of their relationship. But that’s what illness does to a relationship (fortunately for us readers!). Justin’s support, and how he deals with things, is important but it’s not a magic cure. It would be neither realistic nor compelling for Brian to let Justin “in” at this point. Not least of all because Brian doesn’t really understand what’s happening himself. Great chapter :)

Author's Response:

Brian's decision sort of leads in (or is the most direct lead in) to the sub theme of integration and wholeness. I'm glad it came through as IC. :) (especially by your standards! lol!)

That's a very good point -- he hopes the words will slide by and things will be over. Like saying it might be the hardest part... Your image of Brian trapped in a silent and lonely world is absolutely gorgeous and (*thinks how wrong this sounds*) something of a good goal for me in this fic! (*LOL*) 

I kept the issue of hurt / pain vague deliberately; in part because I knew Brian wouldn't say, "Oh, I'm in such horrible emotional turmoil!"  (LOL) but also to hopefully encourage the link between emotional and physical reality in this fic. And then there's the possibility that Brian's recognition of his own emotional state is poor, hence again the use of "hurts" which is more often a physical descriptor.

*grins evilly* Of course... the words are actually, *it hurts*.... Not "I'm hurt." ... Identity issues, anyone!?! *grins evilly at her own evilness!*

Thanks so much for your thoughts on Brian's recovery; as I've mentioned before, as I see it, the recovery will be only partly done when he is fully physically recovered from the cancer.... *is way too evil tonight!* :) 

Wonderful chapter

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! :)

Thank you for posting a new chapter. I hope Brian sees a mirror soon and gets over his self.  :)

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you liked the chapter! I have a feeling Brian's going to need lots of time to get through this one; all the better to have for a long story! :) 

Hope you had a great weekend!! 

i'm just as stunned as they are. there is no way in hell that justin is going to be pushed away now. there's no way he'd want to be.

that's a hell of a decision to have weighing on his mind. justin has to get  through to him that he'll take him any way he can have him.

Author's Response:

Exactly -- that is what he tries to tell Brian in the next chapter -- it's where he *wants* to be. 

It is a tough decision; it was hard to figure how Brian would handle it -- I hope Ch. 7 dealt with it okay. I agree that Justin and Brian have a lot of work to do (it'll be a long fic!) :) 

Hope you had a great weekend! :)

This is so well written.  The characters are spot-on and I am filled with compassion for them both.  

Author's Response:

Wow, thank you so much!! That is such a wonderful comment and I appreciate it so much! I'm delighted that you're enjoying the story. Thanks for writing in! :)

Great chapter: I hope Justin gets pass Brian's BS and stays close to him.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much! Eventually Justin will be able to break through, little by little, with work from them both. :) 

Thanks again!

What a heartbreaking chapter.  I'm so enjoying this story.

 Enjoy your visit! And Happy Easter to you.

Author's Response:

I'm glad you're enjoying this story! I just got back from my trip, wrote on the plane and posted Ch. 7 on my return! I hope you'll enjoy it and that your Easter has been a good one as well! :)

wow. I ddin't expect this detour. The fear...And the distancing from Justin. It's so real...

I am going away for Easter too. Looking forward to the next chapter after the holidays! And happy holidays to you and your family!!

Author's Response:

*smiles somewhat perversely* 

I had a feeling this would be a surprise. I figured that if I was going to make the cancer recovery more intense (and realistic) I could match that with a more advanced illness (and it makes somewhat more sense that way). I'm glad it turned out realistically. 

I hope you had a great holiday; I wrote on the plane and just posted Ch. 7 a bit ago. :) 

A masterpiece of prose; drama, angst, fear, love, anger, hope. Thank you so much for an amazing read.

Author's Response:

You are far, far too kind and quite a boost to the ego, too. :) Thank you for your amazing support! :)

beautiful but so heartbreaking

* hugs *

Author's Response:

Thank you! 

*hugs back*

ok. now he is going to push im away. or maybe justin could be strong and see through his bullshit.... :-)) rose

Author's Response:

Well, I guess that's one way of looking at it. The way I see it, Brian is not trying to push away so much as he is beginning to struggle with his own identity and that is making a lot of things difficult for him. On the up side, he lets Justin in the hospital room, tells him immediately about the cancer and the prosthetic ball... I mean, he hasn't gotten emotional or anything really, but I like to think he's trying! ;) 

Thanks so much for your comments and support! :)

*heart sank*  It's so sad. I can smell the constant fear throughout the chapter. Fear of being broken, being pitied by Justin, losing his identity. That's just so very sad :_(   With that said, I really like the quiet interaction in the room when Justin confronted Brian. The small gestures said a lot about their relationship.

Author's Response:

I'm so happy for the feedback about the hospital room interaction. I had considered several ways I thought it could happen, and it turned out to be the most quiet and subdued of all my possible scenarios. I liked the way it worked and am glad you did, too. ;) Thanks so much, as usual, for the feedback! I hope the new job is going well! :)

GOD, Brian really thinks that Justin would think that about him; that is so very very sad.

I hope that he can quell some of that fear quickly and they can move on from there. Brian really needs Justin right now, and I think Justin needs to know that Brian is really going ot be ok.

Wonderful chapter!

Author's Response:

This is definitely going to be a very sad story; eventually it gets better but it takes a long time. You bring up a really good point about Justin still, unfortunately, being rather in the dark about the details of Brian's illness. This gets remedied in the next couple of chapters! 

Thanks so very much for your support and enthusiasm! :)

Having had surgery before myself I sure remember the experience.

Nice to see a new story from such a gifted writer. You're off to a great start.

Author's Response:

I'm so late in finding these reviews; I'm sorry for that! I am far too lucky to have such kind reviewers like yourself. Thanks, JT!! :)

Thank you for starting a lovely and well written story.

I just read the 3 first chapters and love them, I'm happy that you didn't follow canon and have Brian close as much up as on the show. Even though he sure is not telling Justin what's going on and that in it's self might piss him seriously off when he finds out - like many comments have suggested - I wonder if he knows it could be worse. Of course when on Ch#3 I wouldn't know how this will go :)

I always cry for Brian inside. He has all this love all helt hostage within his walls not trusting things he can't control. It's so sad. He pretty much only finds his inner peace with Justin but there is always this intense fear of loss and it's so sad how much he suffers and doesn't let other people help him. It's totally understandable, the fear of getting hurt is there even though he is totally in denial about that, and does this as a coping "I'm in charge of his" method.

The best stories have a clever Justin who is able to hack him self into Brian's system. I have a strong feeling this is one of those stories.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I am so glad that you're enjoying this story!!! 

You have a good point -- does he realize it could be worse? My view is -- at this point, he's been in denial to such an extent, he hardly has allowed himself to acknowledge what *is* happening, much less what could have happened. At a later time, these things will become more relevant to him, definitely. 

I don't know how long it will be either, but I'm thinking more than 20 chapters at least....

I like your phrase "not trusting things he can't control" -- that's a very apt way of characterizing him too, at least that's how I see it. 

A lot of this story will show that struggle of needing help, wanting help, and accepting help -- and how that interacts with his feelings of identity and wellness, among other things. 

Justin will have a lot of work to do in this story, there's no doubt, but he'll have to be pretty persistent to do it. Lots of tough times with Brian,  a lot of resistance, but they'll get there! ;). 

Thanks so much for the wonderful review! I hope you'll enjoy the chapter that I just posted (and of course the rest of the story!)!

OMG... it never ceases to amaze me that as intelligent as Brian is.... he actually expected to walk into surgery in the morning ... without saying anything to anyone.... wake up and go back to work !!!!! .. Thank God that the nurse insisted that the hospital needed an emergency number in case something went wrong.... didn't he realize that every surgery has risk's involved ??  I hope Justin calls when he doesn't hear from Brian at 9:00 am.

Author's Response:

I know. The depths of his denial are made worse I think by how much he feels he needs always to be perfect and in control, so he has such a strong rejection of anything / everything that threatens that, which the cancer certainly does....

I hope you'll enjoy chapter 4 and thanks so much as always for your support! :)

I think something's missing from this: <i>

“Okay then, now we’re ready to head back,” she said, sliding the paperwork This wasn’t typical, but Nurse Thornton had seen it before; patients who weren’t shy about taking their shirt off in mixed company. 

 But then, as she was watching, Brian stood, opened his button-up jeans with a practiced flick of his wrist, and let them fall to his ankles. There he stood, without a trace of modesty or concern, in his full nakedness. </i>

Other than that, I love this chapter, I'm so glad he gave Justin'sname and numbert, it really wouldn't have been fair to let him hear it from someone else.

Loking forward to the next chapter :)

Author's Response:

Oh -- I see what I did. I was having weird cut-and-paste issues and I must've mis-clicked somewhere in trying to straighten it out. Thanks so much -- I think its fized now.  Thanks so much for letting me know! :)

I'm glad they got him to give Justin's number too -- maybe now Brian will start to realize that Justin has a stake in this whole thing. 

I hope you'll enjoy the new chapter that I finally posted (sorry for the delay!) :)

Oh, wait until Justin finds out! Brian should not be going through this alone right now, but he's being Brian. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Author's Response:

I know -- Justin's going to be so torn between feeling scared, supportive and angry. Talk about a mix of emotions! :) 

I hope you'll enjoy chapter 4 (I finally posted it! :) ). 

Thanks so much for your enthusiastic review!

My comp crashed :, so I've only just been able to get online on another computer. Sooo I really like this new fic. Cancer Arcs are, oddly, some of my most read fics. I enjoy them very much. Possibly the angst factor, haha. I love how you're writing Brian. He's not just this macho guy who wants it over and done with. He's afraid and worried and vulnerable. Oh, and you're right, I'm very anxious to read what occurs when Justin finds out. Although he knows about Brian going to an appointment he just seems so unexpecting of what's coming next. So, there's my long review to attempt to cover all three chapters, haha. Glad you got this new story out so quickly. *hugs* Hope you've recovered from that cold well. I have one now, haha.

 

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you're enjoying the new story!!! 

I am definitely trying to show how Brian could be feeling, even if he tries to be casual about it on the surface. I'm going to change / expand canon a little, too and there'll be much more detail on his illness and its effects (physical and psychological). 

I'm sorry I gave you my cold! *grins* So that's where it went! I lost it and was feeling better because you were kind enough to take it from me! *laughing* 

:) Thanks so much for the review!

I very much liked the way Brian’s ongoing denial was presented here; and that part of his determination to pretend that everything’s normal is expressed physically / sexually. Because that really lies at the heart of what is “normal” for Brian. Of course what the scene with Justin underlines is that as hard as he may want to pretend, things really have changed. It’s a similar situation with the avoidance of alcohol and with Cynthia’s query about notes from his “meeting”. All the tiny, day-to-day details that you take for granted are suddenly twisted and brought into focus. I definitely liked that Brian is concealing the truth from Justin – I think I would have struggled a bit if they’d had a completely open “heart to heart” when Brian returned to the loft. Chapter 3 please :)

Author's Response:

His denial is something that continues on for quite a while at different levels. I think it really begins to breakdown at the "first level" in chapter 3 (just posted), but that is just him coming to grips with immediate physical reality and facts. That's not meaningless, but it's a long way to go... 

Those small moments do show the very beginnings of an awareness of change... 

I have chapter 3 waiting for you, cued up with the true beginnings of the theme of wellness. *grins* *hopes she's not spoiling things too much*

Thank you.......!

I am glad Brian didn't throw Justin out....but...he didn't exactly tell him the truth either.... I guess he is just trying to deny it for as long as he can.... I can't wait to see Justin's reaction when he realizes what's really going on..

Author's Response:

Brian was definitely walking a thin line. Justin is going to have a lot to face and deal with in a tough situation for chapter 4 -- I haven't quite gotten there yet, but I will soon, I promise! :) Thanks so much for writing in!

I liked this new chapter a lot. I wish Brian had told Justin the complete truth, but it's Brian and it's in character that he didn't. I'm looking forward to see how you will handle the next chapter, when I guess Justin will learn the entire truth.

I'm really liking this inner thoughts Brian's having, like a conversation with himself at times. I also loved that he seeked Justin out for comfort, to forget even for a moment what is going on.

This line was great: Brian picked up his pace, taking the stairs two at a time, feet propelling him forward but in search of the past. In search of something comfortable.

I hope to read the next chapter soon, very good job so far!

Author's Response:

That's how I see it, too. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't imagine Brian going home and sitting Justin down to break the news to him. It's just not him, especially in season 3. Trying to find some balance made this chapter a tough one to write; I'm really glad to hear that the aspect of him seeking comfort and refuge in Justin came through clearly -- and I always love seeing which lines people enjoy.  

I think the next chapter will be a lot faster to write and I do think it'll be posted soon... it may end up shorter than this one as well. 

Thanks so much for the feedback and support! :)

Are you going to eat me up with this one?   :)

Author's Response:

I admit I was thrilled with the responses to chapter one, and I only hope I didn't quell enthusiasm by taking so long on chapter two. I highly doubt I'll ever surpass you, though, so don't lose any sleep over it! :)

Who nuked your fifth star?  We can't have that!

Author's Response:

You're too kind! Rest assured I'll do the same thing for you if, heaven forbid, the day ever comes! 

I'm hooked.  Love the way Brian is slowly melting down.  Can't wait to see how he reacts to seeing Justin.

Author's Response:

I'm glad you're hooked! I like your phrase "melting down" -- I'm looking forward to your thoughts on chapter 2! :)

Wow, cancer-arc stories are my favorite and with the introspective Brian you have presented - well this looks set to be a really great story!

Author's Response:

Thank you so much! I hope I can live up to your hopes for the story! Thanks for writing in!

AWESOME .... more please

Author's Response:

Thank so much! I'm so glad that you wrote in. I hope you'll like the next chapters as well. :)

Hope your cold gets better!  Great start! I look forward to more.

Author's Response:

Hi! 

I am finally feeling better, thanks. I'm delighted that you like the story! I hope you'll enjoy chapter two; it was sort of a tough one to write but I finally posted it. Thanks so much for writing in!! :)

Fantastic start..... I am glad you chose this topic as your "Next Big Story".... I always felt that Brian's cancer was treated very badly on QAF.... the way he handled everything on his own...the operation,the treatments and going back to work the next day was ridiculous.... it was as if he had gone to the dentist and had a tooth removed!!!!!  I can't wait to see how this fic shows the way Brian handles the news...  and if he is honest with Justin from the start..  I hope your cold is better soon... Thanks...

Author's Response:

Thank you so much. I'm glad I chose this topic too, although it's a little tricky because it's dealt with so little (and so unrealistically) in the show, it's hard to keep much of it the same, such as how Justin finds out. It's been very hard for me to figure how to best handle that, but hopefully it'll turn out well. 

I am finally feeling better, thanks so much! :) 

 

I love you!  No, really. I feel like there aren't enough stories about the cancer arc, except some great one shots. I'm glad you're writing this, because I like the subject and I like your writing. I'm sure you'll write a great story and I'm excited about it.

This chapter was a great start, very well written. I could feel Brian's feelings perfectly. I really liked the part about him looking at himself in the mirror in the beginning while trying to convince himself he was fine. And the difference with the end, when he admits he is not.

I'm looking forward to read more.

Author's Response:

*grins* Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and support! I hope I can live up to everyone's hopes for this story *is a little nervous!* 

I am so glad you liked the first chapter; I finally posted the second, too. :)

* waves back *

You shouldn't be nervous, your other stories were beautiful and so emotional. This one will also be good.

Brian so insecure, I wanna hug him.

Hope you feel better today. I'm sitting behind my computer waiting for the next chapter.

* hugs *

Author's Response:

Thank you for your support!! I hope everyone will like how it turns out! I'm sorry that I kept you waiting for so long! 

*hugs*